Tag: husbands

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Reconcile Your Past Relationships to Gain Access to Your Future

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As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
 
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
 
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
 
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
 
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19).  Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
 
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and  to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
 

Categories
Engaged Parenting

Six Marriage Lessons Putt-Putt Taught Me

I soared down the highway to my house after work on a Tuesday evening. My wife loaded the minivan with the diaper bag. We loaded our two kids into their car-seats and soared down the highway again. This time, we drove to my parents’ house. Free babysitting!
 
Closing the car doors as we said goodbye to our kids, we maintained our composure. But, as the driver’s side door slammed, we burst into laughter as though we had just escaped from prison! We were going on a date and it had been a long week.
 
As we pulled into the parking lot, we felt like kids again. I aim to be romantic. I love taking my wife to fancy dinners. But, sometimes we just need to play hard! Our date that night was putt-putt golf, and we couldn’t have been more excited!
 
SWSCONFERENCE
Putt-putt can be a deeply profound and revealing experience.  As we avoided the puddles, blocks, obstacles, and strove to balance our swing to make it through the loops of the circus-themed putt-putt course, we were amazed by what we learned.
 
Here are six marriage skills I learned from putt-putt:
 
1. Don’t cheer when your spouse fails. 
We wanted one another to make it! Sure, there were friendly jabs and jests as each of us would grunt in frustration over missing the hole, but in all 18 holes, we wanted one another to succeed! When your spouse misses the mark, be their biggest, most vocal cheerleader!
 
2. Give each other do-overs.
The twists and turns of a putt-putt course are purposefully designed to be frustrating. With just the two of us playing, we set one another up for success by allowing “mulligans,” or “do-overs.” In Luke 6:36, Jesus tells us to be merciful. Apply this to marriage.When, not if, one of you misses the mark, offer a merciful, glorious “do-over.”
 
3. Turn off your brain for an evening.
It feels so good to give stress an eviction notice. My wife and I proposed that, for an evening, we would simply be together and not try to figure everything out. Too often husbands and wives engage in “beast mode” and are always taking care of the business of the household instead of focusing on one another.
 
4. Be patient while your spouse triumphs.
Putt-putt and golf in general are patience sports. Watching my wife methodically plot out each stroke of the club was inspiring and insightful into how her mind works.In marriage, be intentional about watching how your spouse navigates life’s demands. Don’t look at your phone and tune out. Celebrate each hole-in-one with your spouse through every season!
 
5. Play together more.
Similar to #3, but still unique. Plan playtime. We didn’t accidentally end up at a putt-putt golf course, I planned an outing that stepped outside of the “thirty-somethings” box and we felt like teenagers dating again!The couple that plays together stays together! Marriages that don’t make time for fun are in danger of taking themselves too seriously. My wife and I agreed that “play dates” are going to become a new norm for our date nights.
 
6. Throw away the score card.
I still have the score card from the first time I ever played putt-putt with my wife. But as a married couple, I threw this one away. Keeping track of our progress was fun, but what we want to remember about our marriage is that we can’t lose when we’re together.
 
 
How do you and your spouse have fun? What do life’s moments reveal about your marriage?
 
Click here to learn more about SWS Conference 2015! 
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Home

3 Areas My Wife Needs Me to do Better In

It’s only April and that means that there are eight months ahead of us that are packed with promise! There’s still time to be creative and aggressive in my pursuit of Christ, and my role as a husband and father. On the downside, I still find myself looking back and cringing on some things that didn’t work for me as a husband. Some of 2014’s battles are still smoldering. There’s still time to cringe and wince in pain over what didn’t work out so well.
 
I’m not advocating living in the past, and yet, a crucial element of our faith depends upon gaining understanding from our missteps and pitfalls as we press ahead in Christ. We count the cost. Jesus said in Luke 14:28, “For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it?”
 
I may not be building a tower, but my marriage is a monument to God and His love towards His Bride, so it merits careful and continuous reflection.
 
 
On that note, here are three things that backfired for me as a husband in 2014:

  1. I became way too busy. I said “yes” when I should have said “no.” I charged ahead on projects that I should have waited on. I got distracted by people, events, and circumstances. Here’s a freebie, husbands: if your wife says “I miss you” multiple times in one week, and you are coming home to her every day, then chances are that you’re still not there, not really “present”.
  2. I allowed other things to define me. I know who I am in Christ! Deep down inside, I walk with my head held high and my eyes on the prize….except when I don’t. When I let my job, circumstances, or bad days tell me who I am, then I begin to base who I believe myself to be off of circumstances. It’s okay to have a bad day, husbands, but if we really claim that “we have this hope as an anchor for the soul,” (Hebrews 6:19) then, even if we get bruises, we have to rise up and believe in who our Daddy is and who He says we are.
  3. I didn’t cover my wife as her spiritual covering as much as I needed to. The concept of husbands covering their wives is in the Bible. Ephesians 5:25-26 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” This covering isn’t smothering. It’s protecting.I cringe as I think about things that my wife told me that really called for me to drop what I was doing and fight for her. (I want to slap myself upside the head when I think back on how impatient I was with my wife when she and the kids all had the flu. I was the lone survivor. This was prime time for me to rise to the occasion and serve my family without complaining, and instead demonstrate patience and compassion through support and servant hood!)

 
 
This list may have given the impression that I am beating myself up, but I’m not, I’m taking inventory. As a husband, I’m required to also be a steward. I’m taking care of a daughter of the King of Kings! And yes, although He’s extremely patient, it’s still my job to do well. He commissioned her to respect me, in spite of myself, and has commissioned me to love and honor her, in spite of my shortcomings.
Question: Husbands, what areas didn’t work out for you in 2014?
Challenge: Ask the Lord to show you what your wife needs from you this year. Champion her cause and be the man of her dreams and God’s choice for your marriage!
 
 
 
All Scriptures taken from New American Standard Bible

Categories
Engaged Marriage

The One Thing Your Spouse May Never Ask For, But Really Needs From You

Two weeks ago I again had the privilege of watching my husband read one of his books to a group of preschoolers. In the days leading up to the event, I honestly believe I was more excited than he was. I reminisced about the first time we met in Central Park and how timid he seemed when he presented his first book to me. Now, seven books later, and he is proudly showing the world his talent.
Watching his growth and seeing his abilities blossom is a true inspiration to me. Even when he doesn’t have confidence in himself, I have confidence in him, and he always has confidence in me.
It is your duty as a spouse to be able to love and support your significant other regardless of what happens. The fact is, when the two of you come together for one purpose, you are less likely to fail.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.”
Even if you don’t think you have anything to lend to your spouse’s gift or ministry, having a cheerleader, a counselor, and a friend is important and vital to the success of your spouse. Unfortunately, if they can’t find that in you, they may be tempted to find it in someone else. I am not saying they will cheat (emotionally or physically), but they can begin to confide and put their trust in someone else with their gift for the sake of affirmation and support.
Your spouse’s gift was given to them by God, which means that it is a part of who they are. In other words, when you married him/her, you agreed to love and cherish that gift.  Colossians 2:2 says, “I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love.” In this scripture, Paul was speaking to the church of Colosse in regards to the church of Laodicea and other believers. If it is important for the body of Christ to be knit together, how much more important is it that you are knit together in your marriage?
You need to be melded together in all aspects of your life including your hopes and dreams. Your hopes and dreams, as well as your spouse’s, speaks to the inheritance that you will leave for future generations. Don’t be responsible for the shortage of an inheritance because of your lack of encouragement.
Be the reason your spouse pushes on through all of the hurts and falls. Remember that each of us has a purpose and because you and your spouse are connected by the rib, your spouse’s purpose is also a part of your purpose. Don’t allow your negativity and lack of enthusiasm to stop you or your spouse from fulfilling their purpose.
 
 

Categories
Marriage

Identifying Your Role in Your Marital Problems

For the last few months I have been feeling like there are times when my husband and I are disconnected. Of course, in my mind, it was my husband’s fault because I can do no wrong, right? Well, I’ve recently learned that I can do wrong and I have been wrong for months.
Someone very wise spoke to me recently and said that I cannot base my marriage and my role as a wife on the words or attitude of my husband. My husband has bad days just like I do. My husband is human.
This person also reminded me of the good in him, which I had apparently quickly forgotten considering that I had just spoken about how amazing he is at his birthday party. The very next day following this affirmation of my love for him, I found myself angry and heartbroken over something small and declared that he can’t possibly love me. It was that easy for me to throw away almost five years of love, fun, smiles, and hard-work simply over a series of small arguments. Though I always think small arguments are indicative of a bigger issue, we usually know how to identify the big issues and work through them. The fact that we weren’t working through them told me that something was very wrong, and at the time was sure that it was him.
The night that we had our first issue also happened to be the second night in a row that we didn’t read the bible and pray as a family as we usually do. I decided to break the pattern, so I prayed with my daughter, and then again on my own. When I was praying on my own, I began to lift up our family. While praying for my family, God began to instruct me to pray against anger and hurt. I thought I needed to pray for the issues within the family, but what I realized was that one of the factors causing the issues was the anger and hurt I was harboring. There seemed to be a lot of anger within me that God wanted to deal with. How can I expect my house to remain standing if I don’t take care of its foundation? I am a part of that foundation.
By the next day, my husband and I had the chance to really sit down and talk. Our issues stemmed from varying views on disciplining our child. I had a hard time listening to his criticisms, but I listened anyways. That night he said that he wanted us to get back into reading the bible and praying. The first verse in Proverbs 29 says, “Whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery.” Between the continued verses about criticism and discipline, I had an incredibly hard time reading the chapter. But, through those verses, God truly opened my eyes to the changes I needed to make in my attitude in order to have a healthy marriage.
I am learning that when I have an issue in my marriage, I need to first look at myself before blaming my spouse, and then approach the issue. The Word says, “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3-4).  Before turning to and on your spouse, consider looking at your faults first. This will enable you to have a healthier perspective on both your role and your spouses’ role in the disagreement. Once you have gained a healthy perspective, you will then be able to clearly discuss the issue and agree upon a solution.
Also, it is important to spend time with God together so that you two can continue to maintain and strengthen your foundation. Storms may come your way, but once you take care of your foundation, the two of you will be able to remain standing and defeat and overcome all obstacles that come your way. “For where two or three gather together as my followers,[a] I am there among them.” (Matthew 18:20) When you gather together with your family to pray, you are allowing God into your household and into your marriage. And with God, you cannot fail.
 
 

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Engaged Home Marriage

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Marriage Physical Intimacy

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Dating/Courting Home Marriage

Let Your Husband Find You: Part 2

In the previous article, I described some tips a pastor gave to find (or not find) a husband.

  • Let your husband find you.
  • Make a list of all of the things you want in a husband.
  • Trust the word that God gives you.

I followed these steps and my husband of almost four years has every quality I desired from height to ethnicity to personality.
When I heard the sermon I was only 19 and the story seemed far fetched but I was so desperate for relief that I was ready to try anything. I must have sat in that bath tub for more than two hours listing all of the things I desired and trying to be honest with myself and God. There were many times that I said what I thought I wanted and then had to mentally erase these so-called qualities that have gotten me in trouble in the past. After praying, I sat silently, waiting for God to speak to me. It wasn’t long before I heard a quiet voice tell me that I will meet my husband in a year and six months after, I would be married. He said that the devil will send people in my way but not to get distracted.
The very next day, I met a Packaging Designer for Fisher Price. He was sexy, strong, had money and was a little mysterious, every girl’s superficial dream. I tried to turn him into the man I asked for but in the end, I realized he was like every other “man” I dated: selfish and abusive. Even with that experience, I still tried to force three more relationships, including one with my ex…and his baby….and his baby-mama and each were utter failures. June 2010, a year after my prayer, I decided that I wasn’t going to get married; I’d just focus on my writing career. The next week, I met Robert Crewe. His best friend introduced us because we were both writers. We spoke everyday for three days before we actually met. I was convinced that we were going to be friends at most. Three days after meeting him, while on our first date, we stood at the Promenade Downtown Brooklyn (New York).
I said to him, “There’s something that I want to say but I’m afraid to say it.”
He said, “I want to say it too.”
Instead I told him, “I want a daughter with your eyes.”
Three years later, I gave birth to Jael Octavia Crewe, a beautiful little girl with daddy’s eyes and mommy’s nose.
There are no words to explain God’s miracles but I want you to know that you can and will experience them. I was a woman with very little faith in what God spoke into my life but I always kept it in the back of my mind because I knew that maybe, one day, it would be true. Everything He spoke into my life has happened thus far. Even though I had naysayers, including my spiritual counselor, I held on to God’s blessing. As we move toward a new year, I want you to sit down with God and discuss your future. Don’t be afraid to claim your destiny and declare your victory.
Revelation 21:6-7New Living Translation (NLT)
6 And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. 7 All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Parenting

Putting an End to Generational Cycles

A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. This births the next generation. The launch of a new household starting from ground zero to structure what will become their family.

But we all have a past of people and events that have significantly shaped and influenced our lifestyles possibly more than we ever took the time to realize. Our entire life, our behaviors and thought patterns have been mentally conditioned since we were little children; most of which takes place in the home.

It’s called social learning. Social learning is something we learn to adapt by observation, imitation and practice. And our families have possessed the most influential power over us because we’ve been raised constantly observing them in natural settings, specifically in the home, every day sometimes all day. No matter how destructive, unhealthy or dysfunctional, when it’s been seen as a natural attitude or behavior at some point we accepted these as a normal way to live because we’ve grown so familiar to them.

Now wait a minute Brittney, are you trying to say my family is crazy?

I don’t know. Maybe they are!

Look, maybe your parents, your family did everything they could to ensure your survival and I wouldn’t take away from that for one second. Surviving gets real. As a young mother, I already know. And I’m not saying they were bad people, because we can be well intentioned people with terribly conditioned mindsets. There comes a time as we begin our own families that we have to really stop and analyze some of the unhealthy habits that we were exposed to in our childhood so that we don’t repeat the cycle in our own family. We have the opportunity to completely start anew and give our children a better trajectory of life. No, we won’t be perfect, but we can be preventative.

For example,

Maybe you were raised to see the first reaction to frustration or misunderstanding acted out in anger and hostility; and maybe primarily towards you. Well what does that do as we get older? It teaches us through social learning to handle all our frustrations in anger rather than in wisdom. Nothing’s wrong with being frustrated or upset but when we automatically cloud all judgement in anger or by fighting physically it shows that we haven’t learned how to communicate ourselves in a way where there’s understand that could result in a solution. If we’re yelling and screaming at our kids with no explanation as to why they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing then it becomes a fluster of wild emotions. They’re confused, frustrated and in return learn that anger is the way to handle things, rather than a teaching experience that brings understanding and grows them in wisdom. We can break the cycle of destructive anger starting with our family.

Maybe there was a lack of affection in your home. Sure they worked, fed you and put a roof over your head so yeah that was a form of love by providing. But kids spell love T-I-M-E and A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N. And they need lots of it. What happens when this is missing? We grow up to feed off of the acceptance and praise of others in order to feel good about ourselves. For a young woman, many times it leaves you to try and recap that void by giving yourself to a number of men. We were created to love and be loved in an intimate way.

Or maybe you only got attention when you behaved badly, yet never received any acknowledgement for good behavior. “I expect you to do good.” is what we’re told. But human psychology tells us that we’re naturally conditioned to repeat behaviors that have a good response or positively affect us and we tend not to repeat behaviors that inflict harm or a bad reaction toward us. However, if there’s no balance of praise along with chastisement, we might continue to be rebellious because its bringing some form of attention, even if it’s not the right kind. It leaves us open to grab at any type of attention even if its self destructive. An absence of that can certainly condition our behaviors as we grow older. We can break the cycle of neglect starting with our family.

Maybe problems in your home were never really faced and talked out, but constantly swept under the rug as if everything was perfect or things would somehow “fix themselves”. But what usually happens is those things accumulate and have a snowball effect which leads directly into a crisis. By not learning to be responsible and have the character to face our problems and obstacles in life or in our households we create people who take flight once the going gets tough. You walk away from your problems and try to act like they don’t exist. You find yourself constantly stuck in life because you haven’t built the mentality of overcoming obstacles which are usually teaching moments that grow us.

These are just a few examples! But there are so much more out there.

So I want you to really take the time to think and talk about it as a couple. Get both sides. What are the unhealthy things that took place in my upbringing that have had an affect on my life in a negative way? Not only does that challenge us to make changes in our own lifestyle right now but it opens our eyes to the powerful changes we can make in ending these dysfunctional cycles so our kids won’t have to go experience them the way we did. We teach our children how to behave. They are watching us and developing our same habits through social learning. “Do as I say and not as I do” is not an accurate term we grew up hearing. They will do what you do.

On the other hand, what are new traditions and boundaries you can create with your family? Family game nights, sharing at the dinner table, disciplinary actions that are structured to help build wisdom and direction; even when they won’t always understand but it’s for their good anyway. Being able to do things over is an amazing experience.

Remember, we’re building lives here! Society is built on families and as the church, as the body of Christ we need healthy examples.

Your sister,

Brittney Moses

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Parenting

4 Ways Marriage Has Made Me a Better Human Being

Jonnese and I met each other my senior year of high school. There’s no way I would’ve predicted that years later, at the young age of 20, I would be married! If you knew me at all, just the thought of that is insane! My relationships didn’t last more than three months, life was one big party constantly lived for the moment and I was nowhere near a healthy, stable or mature state to be responsible for other lives let alone my own highly dysfunctional self.

I should’ve been the last of my friends to settle down and be serious about marriage and this whole “starting a family” thing. In fact, I thought it was a joke! The pursuit I had for my life was for the pleasure and success of me. But as we all know, God tends to have extremely different plans.

Anyone who’s had children or married young will tell you, it challenges you to grow up and mature pretty quickly. Not everyone does, but any sincere person who cares for the well being of their child and spouse has to make changes and make them immediately for their survival; mentally and physically.

Although I never planned to get married and have a family young I don’t at all regret it. I thank God because my family saved me from the destructive path I was on, reeled me in and molded me into a better person for so many reasons.

Marriage has taught me:

  1. To Accept Differences

Sure everyone is different, we know that much. Different races, personalities and backgrounds are things we briefly encounter day to day. But what happens when you have to live with those differences every day and it affects you in a personal way.

Well, honestly you’re forced to understand, respect and work those differences out if your marriage is going to have any chance of surviving. Because you will be more different than you thought!

In the beginning its cute. It’s interesting! Its no big deal. Until you realize you handle struggles differently, you communicate differently which creates barriers when conflict arises or now you have kids and raise them differently based on your individual backgrounds. Differences can easily create conflict in the home. What was once tolerable shortly becomes intolerable when it imposes on your life personally.

Marriage forces you to identify those differences, come to a full understanding of one another and mutually agree on how to work through them on a day to day basis to gain a common goal; a healthy growing family. When you can master this in your home, it’s only preparation for being able to deal with the differences we will face in our world in a positive manner.

 

  1. To Forgive the Unforgivable

Let face it, human mistakes won’t end just because you said “I do.” We’ve been raised on fairy-tale endings of happily ever after, but what really did Snow White and Prince Charming face long after they rode into the sunset?

Perfection and completion finishing at the altar of marriage just isn’t reality. In fact, your spouse may disappoint you a number of times as you will them. As imperfect humans we make mistakes, we learn, we grow from them. And boy is marriage a life lesson of learning and growing.

When you’re in a marriage, two become one, and so everything they do directly affects you. There’s no equal unity so closely bonded like a marriage. No relationship we ever have is like our marriage and so we may have never experienced this dynamic where every choice, no matter how big or how small, one person makes impacts our own life every time in such a personal way.

That includes their mistakes. They will mess up. They will do things the wrong way. They will say the wrong things at the wrong time. They will make you question how this will continue to work this way.

That’s what happens when two imperfect people come together. They become an imperfect couple. But grace is the substance that makes the unworkable, somehow work. So we forgive and we grow again and again and again.

And just when it seems like we got it, we do it all over again. It is the God kind of love that keeps marriages fueled. When we can master the act of grace in our homes, from experience we’re taught how to extend constant grace towards others in the outside world.

 

  1. To Not be Reactive

Reactive behavior is when our choices and behaviors are dependent on the choices and behaviors of others rather than us being responsible for our own selves. Thing like, “they made me act this way” or “maybe if they didn’t do this then I wouldn’t have done this”. It absolves us of all responsibility for ourselves. It’s when our behavior is determined by and reacts base on someone else. Reactive people are ruled by feelings and conditions.

On the other hand proactive people don’t blame others or circumstances for their behavior but act from their own conscious choice based on their values. They determine to focus their efforts on the positive things they can do to shift the situation.

For example, I’m not going to curse you out just because you cursed me out. That doesn’t align with the foundational values I stand on in my life and so I choose to not be reactive by letting your actions determine my own.

When you’re married, again, everything the other person does always affects you personally just from being one and sharing the same living space every day; from their behavior, reactions, language, word choice, etc. In every healthy relationship at some point someone has to choose peace and the bigger picture over being “right”. That’s choosing not to be proactive and not reactive.

If you want your marriage to survive you soon find that retaliation, revenge and pushing buttons back goes nowhere but down. So you quickly learn, or need to learn, the self-discipline of not being reactive. When we can master the choice to not be reactive based on the behaviors of others we can then go out into the world making positive changes rather than conforming to every negative circumstance.

 

  1. To Commit to a Life of Sacrifice

Marriage is sacrifice period. Biblically both leave their families and cleave to one another to begin a new family. The wife submits to the headship of her husband and the husband lays down his life to accommodate his wife time and time again. There’s this ongoing balance of sacrifice consistently being made.

There’s this quote I love that says, “Great marriages are made when husbands and wives make a lot of everyday choices that say ‘I love you’ rather than choices that say ‘I love me’.

And the truth is, in order for any relationship to work there has to be a mutual willingness to sacrifice for one another otherwise it becomes one sided and the other person will soon feel taken advantage of. That kind of model will collapse and won’t last long anytime someone feels unappreciated or unnoticed.

Marriage takes financial sacrifices, sacrificing what I want to do for what you want to do, sacrificing self-fulfilling desires, sacrificing time and much more. You’ve made a vow to commit your life to this person as your partner and you as their support through good and bad till death do you part. And every day you are dedicating to upkeep this vow mostly out of the goodness of love. Learning to make these kinds of sacrifices, putting another’s life and interests before your own, day in and day out teaches you tremendously the heart of sacrifice when it comes to those around you.

When I look back on the person I use to be and was headed towards I can honestly say that marriage has kept me grounded and matured me. It has made me a better human being in general because of the way its molded my heart to learn how to work through and accept the differences of others, to extend grace a midst mistakes, to maintain a positive reaction and live a life of sacrifice. Sometimes we focus so heavy on being ready for marriage that we don’t realize many times it’s the marriage that shapes us.

Was this helpful and is there anything marriage has taught you in growing to become a better person? Don’t be afraid to comment below! I’d love to hear back from you.