Category: Marriage

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

What Went Wrong? How My Marriage Ended After 23 Years

Mature, attractive Caucasian woman in a dress and shawl looking serious.

Written by: Stephanie McNeal-Brown
Our marriage started out of a desire to break the cycle.  He wanted to break the cycle of children growing up without a father present in the household.  I wanted to break the cycle of a marriage wrecked by infidelity and unhappiness.  We both wanted to create something new for ourselves that we never had.

We were both college graduates.  Settled in our prospective careers and I was pregnant.

We’d planned to get married.  Someday.  However, the pregnancy hastened the date.  I grew up in the Bible belt and was raised by a mother from the silent generation.  That was the generation that was largely encouraged to conform with social norms so it was shameful to bring a child into the world ‘illegitimately’.  

That ‘silent’ pressure was on me.  

It’s the kind of external pressure that you feel when you’ve been conditioned to behave or expect how things should be.

It was a joint decision to marry and plus we definitely were in love.  Despite that, I am fully persuaded that my husband was not totally ready to get married.  I am sure that I was ill prepared.  Nevertheless, we did want to honor God despite our failure to follow His Word.

Fast forward 23 years.  Four babies, job losses, financial wreckage, business stalls, 2 Alzheimer’s diagnosis, parents death and a broken marriage.    

In spite of that, did we really have to experience all the despair?  What if, before we got married, we actually took some time to break the cycle before it unraveled our marriage?  What if we did not hasten a marriage and actually fixed what was broken with the both of us?  What if we actually had resources at the tip of our fingers and made a decision to take advantage of them instead of caving in to external and internal pressures to ‘do the right thing’?  What if we broke the cycle?


Do you find yourself impatient and wanting to rush to get married?


Your situation may not be one of an unexpected pregnancy, but it could be:

  • You (and you feel) everyone else hears your biological clock ticking
  • To legally have sex before God
  • All your friends are getting married and you’re feeling the pressure
  • You’re always together so its cheaper to live together
  • You want the attention and excitement of a wedding
  • You think if you get married, you will solve all your problems
  • You think that if you get married, then you’ll feel secure
  • You fantasize about having a baby and a family

 
You may be having these thoughts and feelings, but be honest with yourself.  Are you really ready for marriage?  Do you know what the commitment level is like?  Do you communicate in a healthy way?  Do you know how to resolve conflict that is productive to building up instead of tearing down?


You are the decider of your life.


You have power.  You have the power to choose.  You have the power to say yes AND no!

Don’t make a decision because things are not playing out in your life they way they’re ‘supposed’ to or because of the expectation of others.  Your life is your life and only you can live your life.  God has a plan for YOUR LIFE.  It’s your responsibility to seek Him.  Discern His plan and follow it.

Need help?  Join me and thousands of others on Married & Young’s FREE 4-day “Break The Cycle” Challenge starting on Monday, February 5.  It is a safe place where we are breaking the cycles NOW so we don’t regret them later.  Click HERE to sign up!
 

Categories
Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

2 Tips to Help Guard Against Intruders In Your Marriage

Cheerful couple relaxing together at home with cup of coffee.

Over the years, I have been seeing how today’s society doesn’t value the sanctity of marriage. More and more couples are experiencing the devastation of broken marriages and divorces. From a Christian perspective, God values marriage. God’s idea of marriage consists of an unbreakable covenant between a man and woman (Matthew 19:6). It is His desire that marriages be instruments that He can use to show the image of His faithfulness and everlasting love to the world (John 13:35).
At a marriage seminar a few years ago, my husband and I heard a powerful story surrounding the circular shape of your ring and how it is a symbol of protection from “invasions” into your relationship. We learned that it is important to cover your marriage and guard against “invasions” that seek to gain access to destroy your union. Here are 2 “invaders” that we learned to look out for to share for growth in your marriage:

  1. Time Stealers. Time is something that couples should invest in their marriage. It is too easy to let time stealers invade moments designed for quality time with the one you love. Be careful to not let subtle time stealers such as hobbies, emails, TV, Facebook, Instagram, and other social media become distractions that stunt growth. Here are a few tips to reclaim quality time to find intimate moments together:
  • Schedule weekly date nights.
  • Cook dinner together.
  • Send your spouse love notes by email and text during the day.
  • Cuddle while watching a movie.
  • Take a weekend to spontaneously travel and experience new things together.
  1. Emotion Stealers. Communication is a must have in your marriage. After all, intimate talks to share your heart, feelings, goals, and dreams deepen your marriage’s bond and connection. However, improper relationships can seek to “invade” the space that only belongs to your spouse. This can take the form of sharing your heart with someone of the opposite sex or “venting” to friends about your spouse. Remember, honoring your commitment to God and your spouse requires continual connection and communication to strengthen your marriage (Proverbs 4:23).

These 2 tips will help you guard against invasions to solidify growth and build your marriage as God’s platform to reflect Him and your commitment to Him for all to see.
Husbands and wives: Are there any other intruders that you could share that you have encountered in your marriage? Please feel free to share below!

Categories
Engaged Home Marriage

5 Things to Do While Engaged

I love you. Amazed surprised positive African American couple sitting in the cafe and being covered with a blanket while getting engaged

The average wedding in the United States cost $26,720.
Whether single or engaged we all have thought about what our big day will look like.
Love is beautiful, especially when you fall in love with the right mate that God has created for you. But the reality of marriage, is that it takes work to stay married.
My husband and I, married on March 11, 2017. We were excited about our BIG DAY. But we wanted our marriage to be more beautiful than our wedding day. To be honest, our wedding day flew by so fast. I woke up the next morning wanting a redo. Then, I thought for a minute – maybe not. It was a lot of work.
I said all that to say, don’t allow that day to become your main focal point that you miss the reason that God has joined you together. Don’t rush through the engagement season. There are some things that God needs to impart into your life, so that you make it to the altar. God just doesn’t want us to make it the altar and then we fail at staying married. Marriage is not just about surviving, but God wants us to thrive.
Life is going to become hectic with the wedding planning, but I want to encourage you to stay focused on the promises of God. I also, want you to enjoy your engagement season!
Here are 5 Things to Do While Engaged:

  1. Pre-martial Counseling. Don’t miss this step. PLEASE! This is necessary to help you improve your relationship before you get married. Topics will be discussed that you probably hadn’t put too much thought into before.
  2. Connection with other Married Couples. You need this. Spend time with other seasoned couples and allow them to share their truth about marriage. Hopefully, you partner with a couple that will be transparent about the good times and even the bad times that marriage can bring.
  3. Praying Together = Staying Together. Pray like never before. The enemy is going to attack you in this season. He doesn’t want to see you make it to the altar. Pray that God protect you from dangers seen and unseen and that he continue to keep a hedge of protection around your relationship. In Jesus name, Amen!
  4. Don’t Forget to Worship. Public worship is the best. Coming together on one accord to worship God is an awesome feeling. It brings you and your significant other closer together. Their love for God is what probably brought you two together in the first place.
  5. Spend Quality Time Together. Stay connected even though you may be excited about the BIG DAY ahead. Continue to court each other. Make sure you have Date Night in the midst of all the planning.

There was a reason that I shared the cost of the wedding at the beginning of this blog post. I don’t want to see you value you your wedding day, more than you value your marriage. Marriage can and will be beautiful when you put in the work to stay married.
 

Categories
Engaged Marriage

2 Conversations You Should Have With Family & Friends Before You Get Married

Japanese and black friends drinking coffee in kitchen

Genesis 2:24, which states that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” was often a topic of discussion in my premarital course. Our mentor couple did a wonderful job of explaining to us that in this context leaving your father and mother, also represents leaving your friends or other love ones that might tempt you to put their needs before your spouse’s. After him, God intended for your spouse to be your number one priority. Having these two conversations with your family and friends will help you with honoring your spouse’s rank:
1. Parents
You will want to be honest with your parents about what role you want them to play in your new family unit. The discussions with parents should center around your expectations of them in supporting your new marriage journey and their expectations of your role in their family. Ask your parents to be supportive of your marriage, pray for you and your spouse, and for them to be available when counsel or advice is needed. It may also be necessary to remind your parents that God calls us to cleave to our spouse. It is important that your actions start to reflect the behavior of leaving and cleaving. When your parents see you tending to your partner before you tend to them, they will witness your commitment to your spouse. As a final touch to this conversation, your parents will appreciate you asking what expectations they have of you and your spouse in joining their larger family unit. This question might invite conversations about family holidays and frequency of visits. 
 2. Friends
Relationships with friends naturally alter once you get married. Similarly with your parents, obligations with your spouse may prevent you from devoting as much time to your friends. One part of this conversation should explain that your spouse and starting your own family unit is now your main priority. Be sure to communicate that this new commitment will require more of your time and focus. Make it clear that their friendship is still important to you and you will continue to work to maintain it. The second part of this conversation should include you inviting your friend to become an accountability buddy. Ask your friend to check in on you to make sure you are being a Christian spouse and to assist you with refraining from behaviors that could compromise your character. This will give your friend a new opportunity to be involved in your life and you will benefit from having someone to hold you accountable for your actions.
 
Author note:
Brooke Fitzpatrick is devoted to empowering young couples about the beauty of marriage. She is happily married to her husband, Jared and the experiences of her marriage adventure have provided her with a wealth of knowledge to share with others as they embark on their marriage journey. You can vconnect with her via theauthenticbride@gmail.com. 

Categories
Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways to Support Your Spouse During Life Challenges

Portrait Of Loving African American Couple In Countryside

In marriage, no couple is exempt from life challenges. Unexpected life situations happen that have the potential to create disconnections and disagreements that upset the balance of your relationship. Challenges come in the form of job changes, work-life demands, emotional struggles, and monetary setbacks. At these life turns, your spouse will need your encouragement and support.
Being grounded in God helps couples during the challenges of life. Ecclesiastes 4 speaks of two being better than one and a cord of three strands cannot be easily broken (vv. 9,12). When couples have God in the center of their marriage and friendship, His presence is the source of their strength through any challenges they face together.
Here are three practical ways to encourage and support your spouse that will continue strengthening your relationship when facing challenges:

  1. Spend time in prayer. When you and your spouse pray together, powerful things happen and your marriage is strengthened to withstand life challenges. 1 John 5:14-15 says how bold and free we become in His presence, freely asking according to His will because we know He is listening. And since we are confident God is listening, we already know that what we asked for is done.
  2. Major on love. Do you know the unique needs of your husband or wife? What is their love language that you can major on to provide support to them? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is the template for love and support. Not only does this passage of Scripture show us a visual of how to love others, it draws us closer to God as we mirror His example in our marriages.
  3. Elevate Your Partnership. The greatest gift is affirming, encouraging, and understanding what your spouse may be dealing with. Facing challenges as a unified team are opportunities to:
  • Be a good listener to communicate love and respect (James 1:19)
  • Have conversations that speak of value and commitment as you work and grow together (Colossians 4:6).
  • Grow your faith in God to navigate through the challenges of life (James 1:2-4).

Let’s start a conversation! How have you encouraged and supported your spouse? Please share in the comments below.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage Single

I Called My Wedding Off: 4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Determine If He's the One-Part 2

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Welcome to Part II of “Is He The One? 4 Questions To Ask Yourself”. If you missed Part I, read it here
3. Will he wait for you?
 
Ephesians 5:27, “He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. Sisters, lemme just tell ya! Closing your legs will weed ’em out faster than a cat can lick its rear end! #peaceout A man who’s willing to deny his flesh to honor you and God, is a very special man. True love, as found in John 3:16, is sacrificial. It requires giving something up. Sacrificing the pleasure of his flesh, may be an indication he desires a future beyond the bed with you. More importantly, he may just be a man like King David, after God’s heart.
 
 4. Is God orchestrating the relationship or are you?
 
I tried to “help” God in past relationships. For example, I shacked with a man for 3 years! God wasn’t moving fast enough! I took matters into my own hands and allowed him to move in with me. I believed it was the only option if we were to ever be together. Seven years later, I was living in Colorado. Chris lived in Alabama. How in the world was this going to work? We were 1394 miles (20 hours) apart! I vowed to God I would stay out of it! If Chris was to be my husband, He would open all the doors for us. Oftentimes, we don’t see God moving in our lives because we’re too busy making things happen ourselves.
A month after Chris and I met, we hopped on a plane to St. Louis and ate lunch at Sweetie Pie’s. On our way back home, the same day, there had been some delays at the airport. As a result, the airline was seeking volunteers to give up their seats. Needless to say, we volunteered. Long story short, both of us received a $1000 voucher. Interestingly enough, I was heading back to Colorado in a few days. Neither of us knew what was next. When would we see each other again? Our gracious Father opened the door for us to see each other, on Him!! We flew to a different city every month until we were married. Chris spent the last of his voucher when he flew to Denver to drive me back to Alabama to be his wife. Ladies, ladies, ladies… If it’s meant to be, it’ll flow. You won’t be required to chase him. In fact, you won’t have to do anything. God will send him to chase you!!
I’m not a relationship counselor, nor do I profess to be. I’m simply sharing from my own experiences, praying that it blesses you. That it encourages and inspires you to date God’s way. It’s worth the wait.

Tiffany Phillips is a southern girl, residing in Sweet Home Alabama. She’s a Christian, wife (married to the most amazing man, Chris), health and fitness enthusiast, and blogger who is eager to share what God has placed on her heart. Visit Tiffany over at her blog teawithtiffanyp.com
Why Tea With Tiffany P? Because she’s spilling all the tea! 

Categories
Marriage Parenting

3 Things to Consider Before Having a Baby

Beautiful young couple is talking and smiling while sitting near the window at home

Thinking about having a baby? As a conversation that comes up in our house often, here are some things to consider in making your decision.
  1. Your Emotional Stability As a Couple
Are you and your spouse in a healthy place in your relationship? If things are not good now, having a baby isn’t going to fix your marriage. If you have serious relationship issues, take the time to invest in your marital relationship now. Having kids will only complicate things further and make it harder to keep your marriage a priority with your new responsibility. Be intentional about growing as a couple now, your emotional maturity will shine as you prepare to handle parenthood.
 
 2. Your Financial Stability
Can you afford to have a baby? Once you have a child, they never go away. Even having a dog for a pet has showed us how that has impacted our monthly finances, I can only imagine what that looks like adding another human being to the mix! This question may not necessarily have a black and white answer, but we would recommend trying to knock out your debt before getting pregnant, or if you find yourself pregnant, being intentional about saving up to 6 months of expenses in the event something unexpected were to happen.
 
Babies aren’t cheap, and each year has different financial commitments as they grow up. Of course you can find ways to make it work whatever your situation may be, but try to be mindful about what this will look like for you and your spouse.
 
  3. Your Biological Clock
 
Although it is not popular to talk about, your age does play into your ability to have kids, and the older you get, the higher the chance of complications in pregnancy or your ability to get pregnant. While it has become culturally normal to start having babies in your thirties, doctors will show your odds of success in your twenties are significantly higher than later on. However, don’t allow this to be a reason to rush into something you are not ready for. Every couple’s timeline is different, and you need to do what is best for the TWO of YOU.
 
Something to consider: understand that when you DO decide to start trying to have a baby, there is no guarantee that it is going to happen right away or according to the timeline you wanted. Do not be discouraged! Often times couples will try for months, or even years without success, while others get pregnant when they weren’t planning on it. Luckily in today’s day and age there are many fertility options to help assist with the pregnancy process.
 
Unfortunately, fertility struggles often go unidentified until a couple has started trying or experienced complications. I want to encourage you to have this conversation with your spouse NOW.

Categories
Communication Home Marriage Parenting Spiritual Intimacy

3 Priorities to Build the Best Marriage Ever

Closeup portrait of a young couple, guy in yellow shirt kissing woman with blue shirt, happy moments, positive human emotions on isolated outdoors outside background.

Priorities are important for a godly marriage. When there is no order in your marriage, the enemy will major in creating division in your union. Here are 3 good and practical priorities to help keep your marriage flowing in line with God’s principles:

  1. Love God first. Mark 12:30 states to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” The Lord must be first in your marriage to keep the foundation of your marriage strong. When we love Him, we can love others from that outflow. Here are some ways to keep God in the #1 spot of your life:
  • Study the Word of God daily.
  • Spend time each day in prayer and worship with your spouse.
  • Encourage and spend time with other godly couples.
  1. Be your spouse’s best friend. Ephesians 5:22-25 speaks of how wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Likewise, husbands are to love their wives, as Christ loved the church. Your marriage and friendship are like a garden, what you plant is what you get out of it.

Remember romance and sex are important but building a friendship solidifies the foundation of your marriage. Scheduling date nights, taking spur-of-the-moment getaways, spending quality time without phone or computer distractions, and buying one another spontaneous gifts are some ways of keeping your relationship a priority.

  1. Don’t forget your children and family. The next priority after your marriage is your family. After all, ministry starts at home. 1 Timothy 5:8 says that if we do not care for our relatives and immediate family, then we deny the Christian faith and operate as unbelievers. What does making this a priority look like?
  • Creating a family mission statement that intentionally values Christlike development.
  • Spending time with your children to teach and raise them up as the next generation of leaders for Christ (Proverbs 22:6).
  • Building up, encouraging, and supporting your family to walk and keep growing in love of God.

These three practical priorities will cause love and grace to flow in your marriage. What other priorities could you set as a game changer for your marriage?

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

4 Tips To Help Married Couples Stay Married

Young African American Couple Walking In Countryside

Your first year of marriage is extremely foundational. They say the habits you form in year one can dictate the direction your marriage will continue down. Here are some good, practical marriage habits to help keep your relationship healthy and on the right track.
 

  1. Have Regular Check-Ins.

I cannot stress enough the importance of communication. When we first got married, my husband and I had regular weekly check-ins where we knew we could be safe and honest with each other. Here are some things you may cover in your check-in’s:
 

  • How can I love you better?
  • Was there anything that happened this week you would like to talk about?
  • What can I do to better support you in x,y,z?

 
Regular communication keeps things from building up over time and addresses the issue sooner rather than later. Don’t be afraid to schedule time for these activities – whether it’s weekly check-ins, monthly date nights, scheduled sex, planning ahead of time will help you be more intentional in keeping the health of you marriage a priority when life gets busy.
 

  1. Make Goals, Create Vision.

Every six months my husband and I pull out our journal and record. We talk about favorite moments from the last part of the year, things we are learning, things we have improved, and most importantly – new goals we are working towards in the current season. Doing it together keeps us focused on building the life we want together. Goals can help motivate you, giving you something to strive for and encourage you to be the best you can be. Vision brings a shared sense of purpose into your day by day. These two combined can help you create a plan to have a fulfilling marriage that works for both of you.
 

  1. Manage your finances together.

I cannot stress the importance of this point. It amazes me how many people bring the “me” and “my” money mentality into their marriages. Doing it together is a great discipline – it allows both spouses to be informed as to what comes in and what it takes to manage a household. Many times marriages often have one spouse in control, and the other that simply follows their lead. Having one spouse in charge leaves room for financial abuse – potentially having one spouse dictating or controlling where the money can go, and deciding what is justified in spending money on a purchase. Regardless of who makes more, you are now one- additional income, but one pot.
 
As you manage your finances together, you can build financial goals around your life aspirations, and see forward progress on a monthly basis – whether that is debt reduction, saving for a down payment for a house, vacation, a baby fund, etc. Managing your finances allows you to navigate the path you wish to go down versus being limited by your financial circumstances.
 

  1. Have Personal Time- Invest In You.

In order to be the best version of you, don’t forget to invest in yourself – your spiritual walk, your health, and continuing hobbies/activities that make you happy. How can you give out, if you haven’t invested inside? You are one, but it doesn’t mean you have to lose your individuality.
 
For the first year of our marriage I always wanted to spend time with my husband. I realized that I had stopped doing some things that made me happy because he didn’t find interest in them, and I found myself picking up activities he did because I was trying to be supportive, but it wasn’t who I was. It’s good to find things to do together, but don’t forget to balance your together and personal time. You’ll find you enjoy your togetherness more and you will be more intentional with the time you do have together.
 
And as a final note, keep it simple. Be practical; make steps and routines that work for your relationship. What works for my husband and I may not work for another couple based on their schedules and personalities. Be sensitive to what each of you needs, and develop a plan to make your marriage work.
 
 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

3 Ways to Avoid the Comparison Trap In Marriage

Young Afro-American family fighting in kitchen because of an affair. Man in glasses holding mobile phone, pointing finger at screen, trying to explain himself for love messages from unknown woman

In today’s society, comparison is a natural occurrence that has many people comparing their lifestyles, careers, marriages, and even social network sites. In reality, comparison is unhealthy for the health of our lives and relationships. Because it is based on partial truths, it creates the trap of illusion and robs marriages of their joy (John 10:10).
Imagine this – you get into a fight with your spouse that is filled with emotion. How easy is it to accept the lie of the enemy that everyone’s marriage is perfect but yours? The comparison trap will cause you to believe that you are not measuring up because it magnifies the false reality of success. This trap can also surface as thoughts of “they have a nicer house or car than us”, “why can’t my spouse have a job like hers?” or “they travel and have much more fun than us.”   The list goes on – but the fact remains that the comparison trap kills growth, creating insecurity and destruction in marriages.
Here are 3 ways to avoid the comparison trap in marriage:

  1. Embrace Truth. Face it – no marriage is perfect! Comparing your success or spouse to others, masquerades as false reality, which is not what God intended for marriage. After all, marriage is to display His glory as a sacred union of two people that love and cherish one another, without comparison. To avoid the comparison trap, it is important to embrace the truth that our identity is found in Christ (Galatians 2). In Him, we find peace, worth, value, and security for a healthy marriage.
  1. Love Your Lane. In reality, if you swerve on a highway into other lanes, you can cause an accident. The same is true in marriage – it is totally ok that your marriage is not like others that you encounter. Staying in your marriage lane stops the comparison trap from stealing meaningful love moments in your own union. Enjoying the good things in your marriage with laughter, expressing gratitude, and celebrating your spouse’s uniqueness and strengths will change your perspective for contentment and better moments to come (Philippians 4:8-9).
  1. Speak Life. Being selective with your words kills the comparison trap. Since there is creative power in our words, we either speak words that produce life and blessings or “cracked” foundations in our marriages (Proverbs 18:21; Hebrews 11:3). Remember, every time you compare your marriage to others or entertain negative thinking, you release words that allow the enemy to alter God’s framework of love for your marriage.

Do any of these hit close to home in your marriage? What other areas can you work on to kill the comparison trap and find contentment for a healthier marriage?