Month: February 2014
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How Close Is To Close?
As a single man, I sometimes wrestle with the the thought of being close to a woman. I mean really how close is to close? I want to be close but at the same time I want to be pure. I definitely do not want to open up doors before they should be open or even open up a door that was never meant to be open. For me this is difficult because I am naturally friendly and enjoy being around people.
So I pose this question, how close is to close???
Now I could sit here all day long and write out a whole lot of do’s and dont’s and give you all the guidelines and boundaries but the reality is when there are rules in place, we usually find ways around them or even to break them. I can say all day long do not kiss a girl while you are single but that would probably make you want to do it more. It’s always the forbidden fruit that we desire the most.
I joke often about a defense mechanism that I once heard somebody say. If a girl gets close enough to kiss me, I’m just going to punch her. It would kill the mood, the vibe, and the moment. Before you throw any stones, I am just kidding. However, when I think about somebody being that close to me, I think about what happened for them to get to that place. As well as what did I do to make them feel comfortable enough to do something of the sort.
Here is a real situation. I was planning on going to a bible study one night. Earlier in the day I had a meeting with a female friend of mine to discuss some ministry events. After the meeting I simply invited her to the Bible study. She politely asked if she could ride with me to the Bible study. Since I didn’t really see an issue with it, I agreed.
That night as we were on our way to the bible study, we were having regular conversations (nothing inappropriate) when suddenly, I got this feeling. It was a feeling of conviction. As I thought to myself why do I feel this way. The thought that came immediately after was WHO ARE YOU ACCOUNTABLE TO? I knew right at that moment that I was too close. Maybe not too close to a person but to close to temptation.
Close is not about the physical boundaries because you can set rules and regulations all day for that. Too close is simply being in a place where you are not held accountable for your actions. that night I realized that I jeopardized my purity. I put to much trust in my own flesh.
James 1: 14-15NLT says “temptation comes from our own desires which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow it gives birth to death.”
How close is too close? Too close is the moment you stop being accountable to someone stronger than you are and trust your flesh more than you trust accountability.
Let’s define the word “wait”.
Merriam-Webster.com defines it as, “: to stay in a place until an expected event happens, until someone arrives, until it is your turn to do something, etc.: to not do something until something else happens: to remain in a state in which you expect or hope that something will happen soon”.
The first picture that comes to mind of someone waiting for marriage is a scene of an individual at a bus stop with bags filled with expectations, hopes and desires to be fulfilled by someone else. The perception of marriage can sometimes take the form in an individual’s mind that life starts when I say “I Do”. I would like to suggest for you to get off the bus stop, unpack your bags and to get in a car to begin the journey on the road of life.
While waiting, there are some parameters that the Bible states that we should stay within. They are not rules to control you but to keep your heart safe from strife and confusion. 1 Corinthians 6: 18-20 talks about fleeing fornication and that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit and that we are not our own. Our body is not to be given to someone or something that does not glorify God; it does not belong to us. Giving it to someone else outside the confines of marriage really defines us as thief and stealing something that does not belong to us in the first place.
If you are a virgin, remain until you are married. It is a gift that your future mate will honor and cherish. If you are having sex, there is no condemnation but stop. Find accountability partners that will encourage you to walk in holiness and provide strategies to help you to remain pure.
1 Thess 4:3-5; Rom 6:11-14; Eph 5:3
Marriage is a beautiful union between one man and one woman created by God for the purpose of serving each other. In order to do this well, a solidification of one’s identity in Christ prior to entering in to the life-long commitment is needed. The season of being unmarried is not at all a time to be stagnant and sitting at home watching love stories on Lifetime, but is a short window of opportunity for you to develop and prepare ourselves for our spouse.
Ask yourself these 5 questions:
1. Who am I? It would be a little awkward to sit in front of someone that you are potentially interested in and unable to answer this question. Pray and ask God for definition. Exploration of who you are is not an overnight process and evolves over time.
2. In what ways can I serve others? Working in your local church or volunteering your abilities to the service of others not only builds character but helps you understand how to connect with people.
3. What do my finances look like? How you spend money is a direct reflection of the ability to prepare. Take some finance seminars, learn about investments, have an emergency fund; some may even be able to buy a house and an investment property.
4. Who are my friends? True friendships among men and women during the unmarried season are there to make you stronger and encourage you in your walk with the Lord.
5. What activities do I like to do? What hobbies do I have? Where would I like to travel? Once defined, do them. There is a level of freedom that can be experienced during the unmarried season that you can not only dream about but can also achieve.
Being unmarried is a season of discovery and joy to establish friendships and trying new things. An opportunity to build your character and to allow the Holy Spirit to shape you in to a vessel that is clean and able to be used for the advancement of the Kingdom. It is a short segment of life that may feel like forever while you are in it, but remember marriage is a lifetime. So my friends, don’t just stand there… get moving and wait until the expected end happens.
INS
mage courtesy of Chaiwat / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It’s no secret that under God’s law, sex is only permissible between a married man and woman. This we all know. However, how do we please each other during this sanctimonious act? How can the husband be satisfied? How can the wife be satisfied? Can both be satisfied at the same time? The answer is actually nuanced within 1 Corinthians 7:3-4. In verse 3, Paul calls it a “right”…an undeniable benefit of the marriage union. The spouse has the right under God’s eyes to sexually enjoy their mate. Again we know this, oh but what’s hidden in verse 4 is often overlooked.
“For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” – ESV
When reading this passage we often key in on the authority that our spouse doesn’t have instead of focusing on the authority that they, and we, DO have. Moreover, we miss how that authority is directly connected to the desire…the sexual craving we should have for our spouse. God created us to be in harmony. Each spouse is a note during the song of life and together a beautiful melody can be made…especially in the bedroom, or wherever you like to worship. Sex is worship, but that’s a post for another time. We don’t have authority over our own bodies because we should SEEK TO SATISFY OUR SPOUSE!!! That is the authority under which our sex life should lie. Fellas, the thoughts of “I’m gonna get mine” from your single, fornicating days have no place in your marriage. Ladies, using your precious gift to manipulate your husband likewise is not permissible. Both are just plain selfish and can diminish the value of this precious gift of intimacy that God reserved for you and your spouse.
Sister, you should long to sexually satisfy your husband; brother, you should have an insatiable desire to sexually satisfy your wife. Under this authority, you should always be careful to consider the sexual needs of your spouse. If you’re operating within this authority, while seeking to understand each other sexually, the marriage bed can remain “undefiled”. Your bed will be honorable because you long to sexually please your spouse, and that yearning has fueled open communication about likes and dislikes so that you can meet each other’s needs. It is at this point that taking offense when coached to do something differently will be minimized. Wanting to try different things will be ok. Why…because the changes or new experiences are the desires of your spouse and your goal is to place your spouse in God-honored sexual ecstasy that is covered by the Holy union of your marriage. You know two becoming one flesh –in all ways, including sexually!!!
Now, I understand that life will happen. Kids will come. Careers will be hectic and stressful, illness, etc. Those are facts of life that we have to deal with and they may affect thefrequency, but they shouldnever affect the intimacytied to the need to please your spouse sexually. Once you can honestly say that you want to satisfy your spouse the way they want to be satisfied, you will then have moved from having sex to genuinely making love!
Before we can fulfill our own sexual desire, we must first want to fulfill theirs!
mage courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
The blame game has been going on for many years. Even when Adam and Eve were confronted about their mistakes in the Garden of Eden they blamed someone else. When asked why he did what he did, Adam went from calling Eve “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh” to “that woman you put here with me.” (Genesis 2:23 & Genesis 3:12). When Eve was asked why she did what she did, she blamed the serpent (Genesis 3:13). It seems like we have always had problems taking responsibility for our actions. This accountability issue is still heavily present in our generation today.
This creates 3 HUGE problems.
1. The first problem with the blame game is that it takes the ability to change the situation out of your hands. If ALL your problems are TRULY someone else’s fault, then you can’t do anything about it. But, if you were to admit that you were responsible for a lot of these problems, if not all of your problems, then you become empowered to change them. Once you begin to look for what you could have done differently to stop the problem from occurring and what you can do now to fix the problem, you are no longer a victim who has no say or control, but are now the answer/solution to your problems!!
2. The second problem with the blame game is that it makes it nearly impossible for you to grow as a person. If you are constantly focusing on the spec in someone else’s eye, it’s going to be hard for you to fix the plank in your own eye. When you refuse to take fault when you are at fault, you are actually cheating yourself out of a valuable growth opportunity. You can’t fix something you don’t first recognize is broken. When you come out of denial and begin to focus on your own issues, you can then begin to fix them, which will result in personal growth!
3. The third problem with the blame game is that it makes having any kind of meaningful, long-term, and truly loving relationship impossible. If you view every issue as being someone else’s fault you will be quick to leave, quit, and give up, and you will always be looking for someone else who can make you happier. You will never be satisfied. You will be constantly running from problems, only to find out the one consistent problem in your life is YOU! This will affect ALL of your relationships such as:
- Friendship: If you refuse to believe you are a part of the problem, you will constantly be fluctuating between friends groups and will never truly find those life-long friends. No friend is perfect, including you. If you can’t seem to maintain friends to save your life, you may want to re-evaluate what the issue really is.
- Family: It really is possible to get along with your family even if you have different value systems and views. Just because they may be a little different from you doesn’t mean you can’t get along. If you have an estranged relationship with a primary family member, chances are you have played some role in the current status of that relationship.
- Dating/Courting/Engaged/Married: “On to the next one” seems to be the motto we live by in our love relationships today. If we aren’t satisfied or happy with this person, well then we deserve to leave and find someone who will make us happy! The issue with this mentality is that the problem seems to continuously follow us around no matter who we are with, which leads to more boyfriends/girlfriends than we can count on fingers and toes, divorce, heartbreak, and an overall bitterness towards love. Well I’m here to tell you that no matter who you are with, you WILL have problems. Yes, I do believe that there are some people better suited for each other than others. However, no matter who you end up with, your issues will always be there waiting to be dealt with too. Once you realize that you have problems and that your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse chooses to love you and stay with you anyway, you will be less focused on their issues. Its easy to run away and skip and hop between relationships, but its also less fulfilling and will never result in the depths of love that can only be experienced in a deep committed covenant relationship.
Resolution: Although it will be uncomfortable, it is worth it to learn how to take responsibility for your actions and become accountable for who you are. Once you stop blaming others, you are free to change your life. You will gain both better relationships and a better you!
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I Trust You
Your husband needs to know without a shadow of a doubt you TRUST him. Not just trusting in him, when he is doing something that you feel is right. But trusting in him even when you are uncomfortable. You need to trust the God in him, and trust that he hears from God clearly, even when you do not understand. That’s why praying for your husband is so important. Prayer allows you to keep the right perspective towards your husband and marriage.
I Respect You
Men need to know that they are valued just like any human being. In my marriage, ways that I respect my husband is by making sure that I honor the budget that we have set out financially each month, not talking bad about him to others, honoring his wisdom, and allowing him to lead. I honor the man that he is and will become. My level of respect is not dependent upon his actions, but upon my love for him through the eyes of my Heavenly Father.
I Love You:
I know you love your husband, and you show it to him on a daily basis by being an amazing wife and mother. But he needs to hear you say it verbally as well. No man is “too tough” to resist those three words from his beautiful lady! One thing I would like to learn in the future, is how to say “I Love You” in different languages and share them with my husband at spontaneous moments throughout our day. He may be a bit shocked or taken back in the beginning, but I’m sure once he finds out what I said he will be gleaning with joy!
I am learning daily through my marriage that it takes two yielded hearts towards God and one another to have a successful marriage. These three words have blessed me tremendously in how I respond, love and care for my husband. I truly believe that as I Trust, Respect and Love my husband that God will continue to fill me up with more and more of his revelation on how to be the wife, my husband Jamal is worthy to receive.
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Why Your Spouse Should Get the Leftovers
When you are first dating, it’s easy to get caught up in hours of endless conversation. However, as the relationship progresses into something more serious, you realize that all that conversation may have missed some important topics. We usually hit the big stuff about life (faith, careers, family, etc), but when it comes to specifics about our relationship, we often miss the opportunity to dig deeper. When my husband and I were dating and hit that point, I wrote down some questions I wanted to know the answers to. Luckily, I wrote them in my notes app on my phone, so I still have them to pass along to you.
Whether you are seriously dating, or even newly married, I recommend these as great conversation starters. If you’re looking for tips on how to be subtle with these, I have none. I literally whipped out my phone and started asking questions. But these questions evolved into a great conversation where we were both able to get to know each other better.
This list is by no means exhaustive and if you have a question or topic you think would be a great addition, put it in the comments section.
1. What is something about your parents’ marriage that you like and hope to emulate?
2. What is something about your parents’ marriage that you would like to avoid/ not do?
3. When thinking about marriages that you admire, what are the qualities that you like and hope to develop?
4. When thinking about marriages that you do not admire, what are the qualities that you hope to avoid?
5. What personality traits do you have that would make you a good husband/wife?
6. Bad husband/wife?
7. What are traits or characteristics about me that you think would make me a good husband/wife?
8. Bad husband/wife?
9. Do you feel comfortable enough with me that you could talk to me about difficult subjects?
i.e. sin, physical appearance, behavior, money
10. What are some family traditions you would like to establish?
11. How do you envision your future career? How do I fit into that vision? What is the timeline in an ideal world?
12. How do you envision your future involvement in the local church? How do I fit into that vision? What is the timeline in an ideal world?
13. If it were completely up to you, how many children would you have? How spread out?
14. Do you want a parent to stay home with the kids or do you want both parents to work?
15. What are some of your thoughts or ideas or ideals on how the children should be raised?
16. Where do you see us in 5 years? 10? 20?