Month: January 2015

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The Marriage Cliche That Is Actually True

Before Amanda and I were married, there were many things I heard about marriage. People, whether they were married or not, took the liberty of offering their golden nuggets of advice. Some advice was very helpful, other advice was not for us; however, there was a cliche that I always heard, and after I got married, I realized its validity.
Happy wife. Happy life.
It’s amazing. There’s a direct correlation to the happiness of Amanda and the happiness of my life. In order to keep a smile on her face, I do a lot of things from cleaning up around the house to bringing home roses. But there are two things that I do daily and intentionally that set the foundation for a happy marriage.
The first thing I do is love her in her love language. If you’re not familiar with the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, it is a must. This book will not only change your marriage, but also your personal relationships. One of Amanda’s primary love languages is words of affirmation. Mine is not. However, that doesn’t matter. The Bible states to love your neighbor as you love yourself. But I would take that a step further and say to love your neighbor as they want to be loved. I may like strawberry ice cream and she may like apple pie. If I loved her like myself, I’d give her strawberry ice cream. But instead, if I want to show her love, I give her apple pie because it is what she receives as love.
Even though words of affirmation don’t mean much to me, I practice building her up through kind words and it makes a difference in how she goes about her day. I call her beautiful, I call her gorgeous, and I call her my best friend.
The second thing is that I do this early. The key to happy wife, happy life, is implementing this concept at the beginning of the day. You would be amazed at how the first five minutes of your day can impact the rest of it. In the first five minutes, I tell her that I love her, that she’s perfect, and we kiss and cuddle (morning breath and all!). That sets the stage for the rest of her day. All day she’s thinking about how sweet, kind, loving and gentle I am. As a result, she reciprocates that and she’s happy. An old adage says “it’s not how you start. It’s how you finish.” But I’ve found that giving myself a head start makes for a much easier race.
The marriage game is easy. Love early and often. Love smarter, not harder.
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Parenting

What it Means to Christen Your Child

When I christened my daughter, I made a vow to raise my child in the word of God. I have spent the last two years (plus the pregnancy) instilling in her the values that the Lord laid out for us. I remember talking to my in-laws about the Christening right after I gave birth to her. My husband and I expressed to them who we had chosen to be our child’s Godparents and they expressed to us how wrong we were.
“Why wouldn’t you make the person that got you two together your baby’s Godfather?” My husband, Robert’s, best friend introduced us and we have been inseparable since. We’ve thanked him but we could not put the raising of our child in his hands. Though he is a great person, he is not a Christian (his name is Christian but that’s the extent of it!). Of course we were told that, “we are taking it too seriously.”
There is nothing more serious than a child’s eternity. When a child is dedicated to God, the parents and Godparents vow to raise that child according to the bible. Why choose someone who has no intention of living that way themselves? You would not want your child going to a school with teachers who never attended college so why ask unqualified people to help teach your child about the way they should live?
Christening a child is not a tradition—God is not a God of traditions. Christening a child is a covenant. You stand in a church before the congregation, family and friends, alongside your spouse and your child and take vows. Sounds a little bit like a wedding, right? After the wedding, you don’t throw up your hands and go back to living as a bachelor/bachelorette. You merge your life with your spouse and form a union with that person. The same is required after the christening. “6 These words I am commanding you today must be kept in mind, 7 and you must teach them to your children and speak of them as you sit in your house, as you walk along the road, as you lie down, and as you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7) You have to become more focused on following the word, on teaching your child how to pray, and being an example for your child. Though you may be doing these things prior to the christening, you are taking a symbolic step to declare to God and the world that you are giving your child to Him.
It is very important to maintain your relationship with your child, God, and his/her godparents so that you don’t break that contract. Not only are the Godparents, teachers of the word, they are a support system. The child should know that they will always be surrounded with love and support. When preparing to dedicate your baby, carefully consider the people in your life that have all of the traits you want instilled as your child grows, including a strong relationship with God. “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

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Engaged Home Marriage

Newlyweds: How to Survive and Thrive in the First Two Years

People told me that my first year of marriage would be one of the hardest years of my marriage.  I can speak from experience that the first two years were not completely conflict free.  There were several times where we had to have long deep discussions and debates.  Some were just as simple as differences in doing laundry and cooking then there were the more serious topics such as opposite sex friendships. Sometimes these discussions were followed by laughter, tears, snuggling, and anger.
You and your new spouse are embarking on new territory. You are no longer one person but two. You have been used to walking with two feet your entire life, now you have to learn to walk with four. It will be frustrating and it will take some time to learn how to act and think as one person. You can not do the same things you used to without considering how it will affect your spouse.  But it does not have to be a miserable time. These discussion brought us together on a more intimate level. I found out more of why I love him and why God put us together. I found out that I didn’t have it together like I thought. It was a humbling time period for the both of us.  Everyday with my husband was new and exciting and still to this day I can’t wait to wake up and come home to him. I love being married!!!
So what can you do to enjoy this time and work through the rough patches?

  • Pre-marital counseling can prevent so many misconceptions about marriage. Get a jumpstart on communicating and caring for your spouse before the honeymoon night.
  • Pray before you have to have those deep discussions. You do not want to be led by the flesh.
  • Find out your spouses “love language”. Find out what speaks love to them and do those spontaneously.
  • Hang out with other married friends. You will need someone to confide in and give you advice when you need it.
  • Discuss and plan out your goals
  • Establish and stick to a budget.
  • Keep people out of your business. Your family, coworkers and friends do not need to know about your household business (unless it is one of the people mentioned in #4 that you trust to confide in).
  • Go out on dates. Just because you are married now doesn’t mean that you have to stop courting each other. Your should do the same things that you did to attract him or her and keep the romance thriving
  • Have grace and patience with each other.

Enjoy each other and have fun!!

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Parenting

When A Marriage Starts to Negatively Affect the Children

One of the points in my life that truly defined my childhood was watching my parents fight. I literally felt that I was not only in the middle of it but I was the reason for the fighting. I often felt like I had to choose sides and if I didn’t choose the right side then that would cause an even bigger issue. Another significant part of my childhood (and adulthood) was dealing with migraines along with a whole host of “medical mysteries.” My emotional issues manifested itself physically.
I have two parents who love me and my brother to no end. They would do anything for us including spending eighteen years in a painfully loveless marriage. My brother and I spent so much time wondering when they were just going to give up. What were they waiting around for? I learned later that they thought it would be best for us to have both parents in the home but it was probably one of the worst parenting decisions that they’ve made.
According to the word of God, divorce is not to be granted unless adultery is committed. What if they’re wrong for each other and it is now hurting the kids? Let’s examine what adultery is as defined by the word of God. “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)
When you get married, you vow to love your spouse’s qualities and flaws but when you feel like he/she isn’t good enough, it means you’re desiring greener grass. You may not have someone in mind but you are lusting after the idea of a person. The bible refers to lust as “looking with intention.” The bible uses the “eye” figuratively to describe who we are and our inner desires. In other words, the eye represents the soul. “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22) The sign of a healthy eye is one that is complete. When you get married, you become one with your spouse. If your soul separates from your spouse, whether it be by physical means, in heart or mind, then your eye is unhealthy. It is in search of another soul to cling to and it is at that point when you commit adultery. It is now up to you to try to find a way to reconnect with your spouse or decide to live outside of your union. When children are involved, consider that the children feel everything that you are feeling.
“Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21) As parents, it is your duty to protect your children. Staying in a marriage that causes you to fight and be consistently unhappy in front of your children is not protecting them, it is provoking them. Your negative energy and relationship makes it difficult for them to have healthy relationships in the future because all they’ve experienced is dysfunction.
They will be reluctant to be married and discouraged by the definition of love set by your standards. Remember, the way you want your children to be loved and cared for in a marriage is the same way you should love and care for your spouse. This means trying to salvage the marriage through counseling and making an effort to rediscover the things that made you fall in love with them. It also calls for you to take some time to examine yourself and come to terms with your truth. When did you change? When did your soul disconnect from the person you vowed to love? Ask God to forgive you for allowing your marriage to disintegrate and ask Him for guidance.
If you feel like the marriage has come to an end, the best thing you can do for your family is humble yourself, and seek counseling together as a couple.  Continue to strive for a cordial relationship with your spouse in order to raise the children. It will give your children the chance to understand what it means to have a healthy relationship.

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Engaged Home Marriage

Marriage is Forever: For Better or for Worse

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. If you need to, read that sentence again and really think about what that means. Marriage is a serious commitment. Marriage is a serious commitment that is intended to end when you leave this earth.
I feel the need to write about this because I do not want to assume that everyone who reads married and young automatically knows that marriage is forever. When you commit to marry someone, you have decided to spend the rest of your life with that person. You are committing to spend the next one-hundred years with them. Much can transpire in one-hundred years and you must be honest with yourself. Use your imagination. What is the worst thing that can happen to your spouse? Are yo willing to be with them trough that situation. Use your imagination again. What if things go fantastically well for your spouse, but they don’t go so well for you? What if they are able to achieve their dreams, but you haven’t yet realized yours? Can you be as genuinely excited for them as you would be for yourself? Can you make it through the better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until you leave this earth with this person?
Irreconcilable differences are often cited in divorce settlements. Are there any areas of your life that are non-negotiable? If you’re not married, are you prepared to talk about this to possible suitors? You may not want to speak of these non-negotiable areas on the first date, but it is important to talk about them before you get far into the relationship. If you are engaged or married makes plans to speak about these topics immediately. The sooner you speak about these issues, the sooner you will be able to walk through these issues together so that they are no longer non-negotiable issues.
Marriage is not to be taken lightly and it is very important to be honest with yourself about who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. For marriage is forever.
Enjoy your day.
Joel Pearson

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Engaged Marriage

5 Steps to Choosing a Church Home as a Married Couple

Choosing a church home as a married couple can become a daunting task that may even cause disagreement between husband and wife. Choosing a church home should not be a selfish decision, but rather a spiritual one. These 5 steps will help you to keep your focus on God’s will for your marriage while making the important decision of choosing your church home.

1) Pray about it

  • Pray individually |  During your personal prayer time, pray for guidance. Ask God to rid you of all selfishness that could cause conflict while making church decisions. Ask him to give you the desire for the church that He wants you to serve in and belong to. Spend time in silence, as He may bring you guidance.
  • Pray as a couple |  Come together in prayer and ask God for unity of mind. Ask Him to lead you both to His best for you.
  • Talk about anything that God has revealed to you during prayer |  If God is leading you in a certain direction, communicate that to your partner. Make sure that you’re on the same page, spiritually and mentally.

2) Talk about your preferences

  • What churches are you comfortable in? |  Talk about your church past–the good, the bad and the ugly. This will help the both of you form an understanding of one another. Let this create an open and safe environment to freely share opinions.
  • What style of worship are you drawn to? |  Regardless of what style of worship you’re drawn to, God has a place in a church for you to be serving. It’s still important to make your requests known to both God and your spouse. Be willing and flexible to move as the Holy Spirit leads you.
  • Where would you like to raise your children? |  In other words, do you see yourself staying at this church? Discuss with your spouse about whether your church home is more likely seasonal or permanent. As always, be willing to move as God prompts you to.  

3) Look for opportunities to serve

  • Both you and your spouse should serve in church |  You were made for the church–the church was not made for you. In fact, you are a critical member of the Church body. Make sure that you have forfeited a selfish, consumerist mindset about church and are ready to take on a servant’s attitude. If this means attending a smaller church where more help is needed, then so be it.
  • You don’t have to use your gifts to serve |  Everyone has God-given spiritual gifts given to them in order to edify the Body of Christ. Although, if your spiritual gift is teaching and there is a desperate need for people to serve in the childcare department, then have the courage to practice humility. Serve and help where it’s needed.

4) Look for a church with biblical teaching

  • Is the worship music biblical? |  Some songs are inspirational. Some songs are uplifting. Some songs even have Bible lingo. But pay close attention: do the songs mention Jesus Christ? What about the Holy Spirit? …Do they even mention God? The claims made in the music must strictly line up with the word of God. Often music used in church glorifies self as opposed to God.
  • Is the sermon biblical? |  You must have your own relationship with Christ in order to discern whether or not teaching is Biblical. Read your Bible. Study the scripture. Make sure that what is being taught gives an accurate depiction of God (old and new testament), Jesus, the Holy Spirit and the rest of the Bible.
  • Does this church convict you and/or encourage you to grow? |  Although you should not go to church solely to be spiritually fed (since you should be cultivating your own faith outside of church), it is still important that you’re being poured into. Make sure that you check out various church Bible studies or community groups. You may experience greater growth in that environment.

5) Pick the church that brings you peace

A church may have all of the “bells and whistles,” yet still not be what the Lord has for you. Wait for the peace of the Holy Spirit–both you and your spouse. It is not until then that you’ll know that you’ve found your church home.

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Home

5 Spiritual Roles of a Wife and a Mother

We know the lord has called the husband to lead in a lot of areas in marriage. However, it is so vital for women to understand how important their role is in marriage especially when it comes to spiritual issues. While God has called the husband to lead the wife and children in studying the word and growing in God, the wife has very important spiritual duties that the man can never fulfill. Here are 8 roles every woman should master if she longs to be a wife and a mother.

  1. Wives Discern– The gift of discernment helps you differentiate between good and evil, seasons and times, peoples characteristics and God’s heart in many situations. Women are naturally wired to sense and be discerning. God created women to be able to discern the spiritual atmosphere of the home, it is their job to learn how to discern their husbands heart as well as their children’s heart. After learning how to discern it is very important that they learn how to pray.
  2. Wives pray- When I say pray I am not just talking about a simple “thank you Jesus.” Women are called to learn the art of warfare. Because the lord has wired us to discern and understand the atmosphere of our home. It is imperative that when we discern the enemy coming into our home, we know how to deal with him in the place of prayer.
  3. Wives are warriors- When a woman marries and especially becomes a mother there is something in her that makes her a vicious protector. That’s when you see the warrior come in. In prayer and in general it is important for the woman to be able to deal with spiritual and natural issues that may come to disrupt the peace in her marriage and in her family.
  4. Wives are guardians of peace- With the ability to shift the atmosphere of a home, the woman should be able to carry peace in her spirit and release it in her home. She protects her husband’s sanity and creates a place where both her children and husband find refuge and peace.
  5. Wives teach- Women should be masters of the word, while every family is structured differently, it is important for wives who will become moms to know that the will do most of the teaching. Moms teach the children the word of God and about life. It is important for a women to walk with the Holy Spirit and to know the word of God.

 
 

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Physical Intimacy

Intentionally Creating Intimacy In Your Marriage

Talking about sex is either one of those things that makes you excited or feel a little awkward. It depends on the person, but mostly because sex is the most intimate part of a marriage.
Knowing that sex is the most intimate part of marriage, what do you do when sex is not an option? For a period of time that is. Whether it be because Aunt Flow is visiting your wife for the week, health complications during a pregnancy or maybe your spouse is deployed in the military.
Nothing can replace those kind of intimate moments you have with your spouse. Whatever the situation may be, there may come a time when you need to intentionally create intimacy in your marriage outside of the bedroom.

Here are a few ways to intentionally create intimacy:

  • If you do not already know your spouse’s love language take time to do this. When looking for ways to create intimacy you don’t want to feel like your efforts are wasted by doing things that do not speak to your loved one in the way you had intended. You can simply ask your spouse what their love language is too if you aren’t sure.
  • Communicate! There are so many different ways to communicate your affection for your spouse. Use your words to allow your relationship to grow closer. You can talk about anything. Talk about what you miss during those intimate times you have in your bedroom (or wherever), but also talk about those other moments that make you feel super close to each other. Once you communicate other ways you feel close to your spouse you will be able to implement them more.
  • It’s action time! Once you communicate other ways you can feel intimate with your spouse make sure you intentionally do them. If you are struggling to find other ways to be intimate with your spouse aside from sex a few examples might include cuddling, massages or showering together. Also doing the things you enjoy as a couple. Maybe that means intentionally making time to cook together, write love letters, or planning weekly date nights.
  • Get creative. You really can’t replace what sex does for your marriage. If you find yourself in a situation where it is taken off the table for a time being then do not stress. Get creative and have fun coming up with different ways to keep the romance in your marriage. Try playing a game of strip poker or cuddling by candle light.
  • Seek God together. Your love life will be nothing if not centered around God. Praying together and bringing God into your marriage has such a powerful way of making you feel close to your spouse. God is the creator of intimacy so who better to seek counsel from? Allow Him to make your marriage stronger in every season of your life.

Lets do this!

Intimacy is something we all crave, and sex is one of the best ways to secure that in a marriage. Whether your sex life is great or needs some work, you really can apply everything I said to your marriage. Being married and young you have such a long journey ahead of you and you never know what is around the corner. I don’t think anyone enters a marriage thinking there may come a time when sex is not an option. However, you should know realistically there is a good chance this will happen. Don’t be so one dimensional that you do not know how to connect with your spouse unless it involves sex. You may also find that as you take time to create romance beyond your bedroom your sex life may become more balanced and fulfilling. All in all, it is about being intentional and having fun together!

Live.Love.Learn.

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Home

Is He the One?

Imagine meeting your prayer face-to-face, everything you’ve prayed for! Tall, fair skin, a voice that could out sing heaven’s angels, loves God, not the finest but the sweetest guy you’ve ever met. Imagine being introduced to family and friends, going to locations where you two would be “seen” together, or random phone calls stating, “I’m having a rough day and need someone to talk to”. Yeah, he’s got to be the ONE!!!
A few years back, I met and dated an amazing young man. Not only did he meet EVERY criteria on my list, but my mentor prophesied he would be the man to walk me down the aisle. I knew he was MY ONE AND ONLY.
Lets back track a bit. I met this guy and we had an amazing time for about a mouth or so, then he disappeared. Being raised around men, I knew not to reach out too much because I’d appear desperate. A few months later he resurfaced and was just as sweet as before; however, it wasn’t long before the cycle repeated itself. After three “cycles”, I was finally ready to let this “thing” go, BUT that’s when the “word of the lord” came forth. Now I’m confused, if he was meant to be my husband I should probably wait for him to come around.
So, I played the “waiting” game, after all I was really intrigued by this gentleman. I didn’t want to let him go, but I didn’t want to waste any more time with out a “sign”. He represented everything I had ever hoped for: financial stability, career driven, and at times thoughtful. Months would past and I’d send a sporadic text messages “Hey, thinking just about you (smiley face)”. The text would generate minimal conversation, but nothing that screamed “I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU MY WIFE”.
With no recent dates, no phone calls, no clue as to if we were even an item, I began to hurt. While it was nothing like past heartaches, I hurt from the mere fact that I had grown attached to the possibility of being his wife. He was the first Christian guy I ever dated, and I expected him to be my knight in shining amour. Desperate for answers, I asked God if he was my husband. NO ANSWER. I sought the wise counsel of my mentors. Finally one said to me “Whenever I find myself liking a guy, I worship! I make sure my heart is turned towards God”. And those were the words that freed me from my infamous question “Is he the one?”
Instead of going to God asking him if “he” was my husband, I sought his face, I worshiped, I prayed, I studied, I journaled, I cried, I did whatever it took to make sure my focus was back where it belonged.
After a year of back and forth, I mustered up the courage to call him and express my feelings. “Look, I like you. I’m not sure where you stand and I’m not even saying we need a title RIGHT now, but I need to know where this is going.” In the most politically correct tone possible, he stated, “When life moves me, I move with it”.
It was right then and there that I knew HE WAS NOT THE ONE!
As I looked back on the year we spent doing whatever it was we were doing, I’m reminded that the answer to my question, “Is he the one”, was there all along. It was in his actions, it was in his lack of consistency, most of all it was in the presence of God. I encourage any young lady searching for answers regarding “the one” to seek the face of Jesus and watch him make things crystal clear for you. As Christians one may say that’s a given, but it’s the simple things that gets over looked when the heart becomes overjoyed by possibility!

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Engaged Home Marriage

Refusing the Generational Curse

I didn’t learn about generational curses until 5 years ago during a Deliverance service. Generational curses are negative things that follow a family for generations. It is a cycle of regrets, rejections, addictions, and pain. Though your marriage may seem perfect, there are curses that may follow you, if you allow them to.
Growing up, I was surrounded by dysfunctional relationships, including that of my parents. I saw the phony happiness as well as the blatant disrespect on both parts. How is a child ever to know what love is? In my eyes, love was not something I thought I’d ever have but I felt I needed. It scared me because I thought that if I sought love then it would hurt. And it did.
Love was treacherous for me from high school, when I first started (secretly) dating up to the time I met my husband. Even though I was not allowed to date, I snuck around and I am kind of glad that I did. I was able to get the ugly out of the way and now I have more time with the man made for me. I am not advocating pre-mature dating or disobedience. I should have listened to my mom but my stubbornness has helped as well as it has hurt me.
My generational curse was the idea that love was supposed to be “painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary,” like Olivia Pope thinks it should be (Scandal Season 2). Love is supposed be the feeling of “peace in the middle of the storm,” being empty and full at the same time, being inexplicably happy, and yes extraordinary. But that wasn’t what I saw in my household or in the generations before my parents. I had to let go of the memory of my forefathers and embrace the vision God gave me.
Before getting married, I spent time studying 1 Corinthians chapter 7, where Paul discusses sex and marriage. I struggled with fornication and I wanted things to be perfect in my relationship. I studied and studied until I started to look past the sex aspect and learned that marriage is about sacrifices; it is about the positive bondage. I didn’t realize that this type of connection or “oneness” existed because it wasn’t anything I had ever experienced or witnessed. The “bondage” puts an end to that curse because it required me to cling to my spouse. I had to shake off the old single me AND the old curses I was raised under.
When I started attending church on a regular basis, I witnessed happy marriages. Spending time around marriages that were strong, broke the curse and created a blessing. I threw away the curse of brokenness and clung to unity. I am determined to have an 80 year marriage as crazy as it may seem. I had to combat the mistrust, the desire to give up, and the painful past in order to step into my future.