Month: December 2014

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Dating/Courting Home Marriage

Let Your Husband Find You: Part 2

In the previous article, I described some tips a pastor gave to find (or not find) a husband.

  • Let your husband find you.
  • Make a list of all of the things you want in a husband.
  • Trust the word that God gives you.

I followed these steps and my husband of almost four years has every quality I desired from height to ethnicity to personality.
When I heard the sermon I was only 19 and the story seemed far fetched but I was so desperate for relief that I was ready to try anything. I must have sat in that bath tub for more than two hours listing all of the things I desired and trying to be honest with myself and God. There were many times that I said what I thought I wanted and then had to mentally erase these so-called qualities that have gotten me in trouble in the past. After praying, I sat silently, waiting for God to speak to me. It wasn’t long before I heard a quiet voice tell me that I will meet my husband in a year and six months after, I would be married. He said that the devil will send people in my way but not to get distracted.
The very next day, I met a Packaging Designer for Fisher Price. He was sexy, strong, had money and was a little mysterious, every girl’s superficial dream. I tried to turn him into the man I asked for but in the end, I realized he was like every other “man” I dated: selfish and abusive. Even with that experience, I still tried to force three more relationships, including one with my ex…and his baby….and his baby-mama and each were utter failures. June 2010, a year after my prayer, I decided that I wasn’t going to get married; I’d just focus on my writing career. The next week, I met Robert Crewe. His best friend introduced us because we were both writers. We spoke everyday for three days before we actually met. I was convinced that we were going to be friends at most. Three days after meeting him, while on our first date, we stood at the Promenade Downtown Brooklyn (New York).
I said to him, “There’s something that I want to say but I’m afraid to say it.”
He said, “I want to say it too.”
Instead I told him, “I want a daughter with your eyes.”
Three years later, I gave birth to Jael Octavia Crewe, a beautiful little girl with daddy’s eyes and mommy’s nose.
There are no words to explain God’s miracles but I want you to know that you can and will experience them. I was a woman with very little faith in what God spoke into my life but I always kept it in the back of my mind because I knew that maybe, one day, it would be true. Everything He spoke into my life has happened thus far. Even though I had naysayers, including my spiritual counselor, I held on to God’s blessing. As we move toward a new year, I want you to sit down with God and discuss your future. Don’t be afraid to claim your destiny and declare your victory.
Revelation 21:6-7New Living Translation (NLT)
6 And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. 7 All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

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Home

Keep Her How You Got Her

Fellas. I’m going to keep this short and sweet. Whatever you did to get her, plan on doing that for the rest of your life.
Whether you wined and dined her, gave her flowers every week just because or sang and wrote poetry, the precedent that you have set must continue forever. You have set the standard and your wife or future wife will expect nothing less. It can be done and should be done especially since you were sincere in the beginning. If you decide to lower the standard it will be as if you tried to fool her. It will be as if you planned a bait and switch. It will seem as if it was all a ruse.
What’s that you say? You don’t have the time or the money. Make time and if you are strapped for cash, be creative. It really isn’t about the money, it truly is about the thought.
Brothers it’s up to you to keep the fire burning intensely as it was in the beginning. When thinking about this topic a scripture comes to mind:
Proverbs 15:18-19
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
Be blessed and enjoy your day.
Joel Pearson

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Home

Home for the Holidays

This will be the 7th Christmas Joel and I have shared together as a married couple. Christmas or any holiday can be stressful on a couple, especially new couples.  You now have two sets of families to visit and you are splitting your time between your family and your spouses family. I can speak from experience that this was hard in the beginning. I had special memories and traditions that I wanted to continue with my family but wanted to include my husband now.  Joel also wanted to share his traditions with me. How do you fit all this in in ONE day? Both of our families lived within an hour from each other so that made splitting time much easier. We have had many debates and discussions about how we will spend our time.  We have to and still are working through it, even more so since we have a child.
Here are 5 key pointers that helped us enjoy our Holiday trips home:
1. Have discussions with your family about your plans before you travel so no one has false expectations.
2. Be considerate of your spouse and the fact that he or she may or may not feel as comfortable as you are around your family.
3. Be inclusive of your spouse. Fill him or her in on the traditions and explain why it is so special to your family.
4. Be thankful that you now two sets of families to celebrate with.
5. Prayer and patience will be your best tools.

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Dating/Courting Home Marriage

Let Your Husband Find You: Part 1

It was four years ago when I expressed to my pastor that I was in love and we were going to be married. He insisted that my husband-to-be only told me those words to sleep with me. It was at that point that I knew I didn’t have a counselor. I felt alone. How dare he try to take away my blessing? That day I walked away feeling like I was in a fight for my life. I knew that his feelings were that of many people who could not understand finding happiness in just 6 months.
A year and a half before meeting the love of my life, I sat in a bath tub with tears flowing down my face. I was suffering from a broken heart. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me again and this time got a girl pregnant. I felt like dying. Was he the best that I could do?
As I cried, I recalled a sermon that I heard just a few weeks before. He met a young woman who was desperate for a husband. He explained to her that her husband will find her.
“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” Psalm 18:22
As women, we cannot force relationships because its not our calling to. God created man FIRST meaning it is his duty to initiate the relationship. When he finds his wife he finds a good thing because he has found the missing part of HIM.
The pastor then instructed her to make a list of all of the qualities she desired in a husband and said that in a year, she will be married. The word of God says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7 It is when we ask, and have faith that God will answer us. We may not receive what we want exactly when we want it but in His time we will receive our answer and possibly our husband.
The young lady didn’t believe the pastor but by the next year not only was she married, she had a child.
God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. It is not up to us or anyone else to tell us what our calling or a blessings are. When we make the conscious decision to talk to God about our future, we are relinquishing the right to take control. “Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” (Psalm 55:22). If we put our total trust in Him, He will not steer us wrong, whether it be in relationships or life in general.
Following the pastor’s advice, I was able to marry the man that I requested. I rebuked every negative person that tried to advise me against following God’s word for my life including my pastor. We cannot let anyone stop us from obtaining what is rightfully ours.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Mate-ology: Learning the Person You're Dating

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Engaged Marriage

Why I Gave Up My Maiden Name

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Home

Husbands: 4 Ways to Know if Your Marriage is a Clunker

Author: Heath Stoner

I love clunker cars.
My first clunker car was a 1984 Chevy Chevette.  It lasted me a whopping 4 months.  It had an oil leak and I didn’t catch it until the engine seized up.
My second clunker was my 1986 Mazda GLC.  I always thought the GLC stood for Great Looking Car.  That car took me through college.  It was so legendary that it took on the name of the Red Baron.  That car would not run when it rained and always smelled like a gas station bathroom.
The next clunker I had was a 1994 Honda Accord.  I called it the White Legend.  That car had so many problems with it–some my own doing.  One year I went on a mission trip overseas and left a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper in the front seat in the summer heat of Texas.  They exploded.  When I returned, I opened the White Legend to find my headliner spotted with harden splotches of Dr. Pepper.
I now own a 2004 Honda Accord.  It’s a bona fide clunker.  Its nickname is the Silver Bullet.  The headliner is shot, the head gasket needs replaced, and the driver side window won’t go down.  Every time I open the trunk door, a steady stream of water flows into the bottom of my trunk.  Somehow rain gets into a space in the top of the trunk and drains when I open it.
So, here are 4 ways you can know if your marriage is like a clunker

  1. You treat your wife like a clunker(of course the roles can be reversed in this analogy)

A wise man once told me that women are like a beautiful rose.  They are colorful, dazzling, have a great aroma, and are captivating.  Men are like the dirt.  Very few people ever look at the dirt and say, “Wow, that dirt is incredible.  I bet it has all kind of nutrients that help the rose glow the way it does.”
Men, do you purposefully, care for your wife by leading in the ways that she needs you to?  When you have a clunker car, you usually don’t care if the paint is chipping or the floors need swept.  You don’t go out of your way for it.  Do you treat your wife the same way?  Does she need your care and attention?  Does she need your practical service—maybe to clean the floors or the toilets tonight?  If so, do it.  And do it without expecting anything in return.

  1. You speak to your wife like a clunker

My clunker names included the Red Baron, Silver, Bullet, & White Legend.  I say those names tongue in cheek.  I gave those names because I really don’t have much respect for those cars.
Do you esteem your wife by still calling her the bride of your youth?  Or do you rehash her weaknesses and faults?  Do you tell her that there is no one like her?  Or do you sarcastically make her the brunt of jokes?   Do you call her beautiful, gorgeous, mesmerizing, your virtuous wife, and so on.  Your wife is like your dream car so tell her often how you feel about her.  Like right now in a text, call, or message.  Do it.

  1. You hit your wife

When someone has a clunker and it stalls or doesn’t start they can hit the steering wheel or kick the tire in frustration.  Your wife is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to you.  If she annoys, irritates, talks too much, doesn’t talk to much, etc. don’t ever, ever hit her or even pretend to infer that.  If you have physically abused her, you need to go get help.  She is a gift to you.  Treat her like that and you will be surprised to see how she will respond to you.

  1. You don’t listen to your wife

A clunker makes noises.  The problem is that most owners don’t ever look for the hints in those noises.  They justify those noises by thinking, “I have a clunker so of course they make unusual noises.”
All noises are hints.
Your wife is leaving you hints all the time.
It could be in a look.
In a question.
In a challenge.
In a suggestion.
You see, most clunkers have owner manuals.  It is located in the glove compartment.
Your wife also has an owner manual.  That manual is opened up when you sit on the couch with her or across the table and ask her questions.  Keep asking and she will open up the depths of who she is. The Bible says we are supposed to live in an understanding way with our wives. It is possible to do this as God empowers us.
Let’s make it our ambition to make sure we treat our wife like the Rose she is and reject treating her like a clunker.
Question:  Which of the 4 ways stuck out to you?  What other ways could guys treat their marriage like a clunker?  Please comment below.
 
 

Heath Stoner is the founder of Trailer Club where he inspires men to be the greatest sons, husbands, fathers, and leaders in their generation.    He has been married to his wife for 16 yrs and is the proud father to Zach (12), Sierra (10), & Savanah (9).  He has degrees from Oral Roberts University and Liberty University.  He has been a Youth Pastor for 11 years and was an Executive Leader for one of the largest youth ministries in America for 15 years.  Heath’s passion is that every man needs to be a student of wisdom and be able to live out the declaration, “What one man can do, another man can do.” www.trailerclub.org

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Adding Zest to Your Marriage: Husband Style Series

Marriage is unto God. In fact the family, headed by marriage, is the first institution that God created. Through marriage and family we can change the world for the benefit of the Kingdom of God. Marriage, in particular, is one way that we can change the flavor of the world to be palatable to The Lord.
The question is, how can we keep our marriages flavorful? Christ called us salt of the Earth (Matt. 5:13). One way that we are salt is through the example that we set through marriage. Yet we are human and we can have our “days”. Our marriages may need a boost at times. Though our unions are salt, they too can lose their zest. We have to figure out how to become salty again, as Christ said (Matt. 5:13). I want to take the next few posts to discuss ways that we can remain or regain our saltiness in our marriages.
Men, one way that I’ve found that we can put a little zest and savor back in our marriage is in our personal style. Too often we are said to be indifferent about our appearance. This is not to say that we want to look messy or disheveled, but we, as men, have a tendency to be plain or just regular. It is true, as a generalization, that men or more visually motivated but women want something nice to look at too. Here are a few tips to spruce up your appearance.
Suits and business wear: Men, a great fitting suit not only makes you feel powerful, but will emit an impressive vibe to your spouse. Consult the salesperson at your local suit store so you can get the right fit for your body type, the correct measurements, and right pairing of shirt/tie/pocket square combinations. Suits are all about the fit and the salesperson is there to guide you to the correct fit while maintaining your comfort level.
Casual clothes: Guys, casual clothes should not be the only thing that you wear. T-shirts and your favorite pair of jeans shouldn’t be your uniform. Make sure you change it up at times. Vary your look with different colors, cuts, and patterns. Your wife will appreciate the diversity and effort.
Underclothes: Believe it or not your wife will really appreciate, and possibly find it sexy, if you take time in selecting your underclothes. NO MORE TIGHTY WHITIES! Get rid of them! Boxers and/or boxer briefs with matching tank tops is the way to go.  Oh, and throw away the socks and underclothes that are dingy, have holes, and are stretched out. Plumber crack isn’t a good look. Trust me guys, she’s looking…so give her a show!!
Shoes: Every man should own AT LEAST a pair of white sneakers; a pair of brown dress shoes and black dress shoes; and a pair of brown boots and black boots. These are the basics of a sound footwear collection. When they get scuffed, shine them. When they get dirty, clean them. When they can’t be cleaned anymore, get rid of them and purchase some more. Shoes will literally make or break your outfit. NOONE knows this more than your wife. Just look in her closet…
If you’re not fashion savvy, consult your wife before and during this process to see what she likes and if she would even want you to change anything. I don’t want you to make sudden changes that will catch her off guard. Involving her in this process will be fun for her and make for some good shopping and lunch dates. Guys be sure to remain patient and ladies listen to his input!
I know that this may seem like it’s too much or not masculine, but it’s actually the contrary. Consider this men; you cannot require your wife to look like what you don’t! You can’t want her to look amazing and sexy, and you’re not putting forth the same effort to be just as amazing and sexy.
As a married man you represent your wife. So in your appearance, represent her in the best way possible!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Who Comes First in your Marriage: Spouse or Parents?

From the desk of The Modern Day Cindi: Let’s talk about roles in the marriage. Not just the typical husband and wife role, but the roles of those around the marriage; more specifically, the roles of parents. Now, this a touchy subject…one I dare speak to so I will be treading lightly. So, who comes first in the marriage? Or more directly stated, “Who is priority, your spouse or your parent?”
This can be a tough question for some to answer. It is likened to the question: “what comes first, the chicken or the egg?”  Both are equally important, so trying to prioritize and rank their significance can become overwhelming when the importance of the roles are evident in different stages of life.
I remember when I first met my husband, I immediately knew we came from two different worlds with two different philosophies. My parents were both born in NYC, were world travelers, and both very educated, but when it came to their little girl, they encouraged me to do the same-be adventurous, a risk taker and see the world. Consequently, as I evolved into a young woman I was very independent.
I remember when I went to college, my mom was like “go off as far as you like, as long as planes fly, we can send for you if needed.” And my dad’s philosophy was “no news is good news.” So I rarely checked in daily to just say I’m okay; my weekly check-ins were good enough for them. Both of my parents said they knew they raised me well, I was very responsible, and I knew how to handle myself so they had no worries.
My husband story is a little different. Both of his parents were from Memphis and like mine, very educated; however, he was primarily raised by his mom as her only child. So although he too was very adventurous and smart, my husband was not nearly as independent as I was.
He told me when we got married that I had opened his perspective up to a whole new world.  He and his mom’s relationship was more like best friends when I came into his life, he spoke to her almost every day, if they didn’t speak, they texted and engaged in a style of communication that I did not have with my parents, but it was all love none the same.
As we began moving toward marriage, I started sharing some of our differences with my husband and what we realized is that we both would have to do some adjusting in order to balance the expectations of our parents.  He would have to slowly start cutting back the frequency and time of his check-in with his parents, and out of love for my husband, I would have to start being more intentional in spending time with my family.
What we learned from the experience was that WE set the tone of how we wanted the people in our life to treat and respect us as a married unit, not as son or daughter.  We also learned that we needed to prioritize the health of the marriage above the heath of individual agendas…what that meant was we could not allow loyalties to sour our love for one another, and we also could not let guilt  keep us from effectively merging the two into one. (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:8)
So, it really should not be a question of who comes first spouse or parent, because if you choose to view the marriage as a merger of people, not just assets, then it should not be if “he”, “she”, or “me” comes first. It is if “we” comes first. If you choose “we” over “me” Then start developing the mutual agreement of: Who do we need? What do we need? How do we balance? And, how can we make this work? …then the rest will naturally follow.

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Marriage

6 Ways to a Greater Marriage in 2015

2015 is just around the corner. 2014 was great, but now its time to begin to plan for an even greater marriage in 2015. Your marriage deserves some fresh new things that can breathe life into it. This is a list of ways you can breathe life into your marriage in 2015.

  1. Go on a Vacation

Your marriage will benefit greatly from some time away from your normal routine. Your family needs this, and they deserve it. It doesn’t have to be an expensive vacation. Even a weekend 100 miles away in a new environment can breathe life into your marriage.
2. Get an Emergency Fund
As every wise person says, expect the best, but plan for the worst. You never know when something can happen that requires immediate cash to fix or take care of. This can be everything from you’re a house or car repair, to an unexpected high bill. By having an set aside savings for emergencies then you wont have to go into debt to cover the expense.
3. Have Daily Devotional Time
There are two things that are vitally important to the health of your marriage and that is time together, and time together with God. By setting aside time each day to go through a daily devotion you are doing what the bible instructs in Ephesians 5:25, For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.
4. A Date Night Box
This is an idea that many marriages have been blessed by for their weekly date nights. Many couples struggle with what should we do tonight. Instead of wasting time thinking about what to do, you can take one day to plan out different ideas for date nights then put them into a box. When it comes time for date night, draw from the box and that is what you will do that night.
5. New Hobby to do together
Having fun with your spouse is never time wasted. This may take some time of exploration if you and your spouse haven’t figured out something you both enjoy doing together. My wife and I really enjoy going to estate sales and finding a good deal. She enjoys the shopping part, and I enjoy the good deal part. We have fun, meet new people, and save money all in a few hours. Its awesome. What is a new hobby you and your spouse could do together in 2015?
6. Have dinner as a family
One of the many issues our generation is facing with the rise of social media and online platforms is connecting with those closest to us in real time. By establishing at least 2-3 nights a week as family dinner time requiring cell phones to be turned off can transform every relationship in your home.