Month: July 2017

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Dating/Courting Home Single

8 Consequences of Dating the Wrong Guy

There are tons of consequences that stem from dating the wrong guy. Some of us only know bad relationships so it becomes a perpetual cycle. But it’s time to break that cycle. Your heart, your destiny and purpose and your future deserves better than relationships with the wrong guys. Here are 8 consequences of dating the wrong guy:

  1. Wasted Time. Time is something that we can never get back so we have to be wise with how we use it. Staying in a relationship with a guy that you know you have no future with is a waste. If there is no future then cut your ties and move on.
  2. Delayed Promise. When you were born, God had a specific assignment for you to complete but if you’re entangled in the wrong relationship then it is possible to delay the promise on your life. Promise works best when you’re connected to right relationships.
  3. The Right Guy. When you’re trotting around with the wrong guy, the right guy can’t find you. Or if he does find you, he’ll think you’ve already been found. Now you’re delaying the chance of feeling true love.
  4. Broken Spirit. Being with the wrong person can leave you feeling hopeless. You’ll feel like you’ll never be found by the right person. Having a broken spirit often leaves you feeling blah about life and your future.
  5. Trust Issues. Dating the wrong guy will have you doubting the right guy. Meaning, even if the right guy comes around, if you haven’t dealt with the consequences of dating the wrong guy, you’ll try to make him pay for another man’s mistakes. And that’s not fair.
  6. Soul Ties. You formed these ungodly emotional connections that last long after the relationship is over. I call it residue. Soul ties are like residue. You may not be in that relationship anymore but your heart still is and until you sever that tie, you’ll won’t be able to have a healthy connection to the right guy.
  7. Broken-Heart. Because you’ve allowed yourself to form a bond with this person and you now have an emotional connection, when the relationship ends you will be left with a broken heart. This broken heart could have been avoided if you would’ve heeded to the signs when they were first shown to you. It’s enough stuff out here to break our hearts, let’s not put ourselves intentionally in a situation of heartbreak.
  8. It turns you into a serial dater. You’ve dated the wrong guy, now you’re so fixated on finding someone “better” that you’re in and out of relationships. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to sit still. Heal your heart and allow God to be in charge of your love life.

 

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Dating/Courting Home Single

2 Signs That You’re Ready to Date

Black women best friends looking out over ocean while standing on pier

The question for today… Are you ready to date? There are so many articles, blogs, podcasts and even sermons that focus on dating. It can be an information overload to your brain. It can be difficult trying to figure out when it’s the appropriate time to date. In all honesty, only you will know when you’re ready to date. It will be a private moment between you and God.
Here are 2 ways to help you decide if you are ready to date:
1. You know your identity
When you look in the mirror; do you know who you are? You have royalty inside your DNA. Created by the most High King. Genesis 1:27 So God created man in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them. You were created on purpose for a purpose. Your identity lies within that secret place of where your Heavenly Father created you. Do you understand your identity? That you’re unique. You are destined for greatness because of what God downloaded on the inside of you. You have purpose, passion and power. Every promise that God has spoken over your life will manifest at the opportune time. Embrace your outer beauty. Thank God for your inner beauty. You are beautiful! Know your identity. Don’t let the enemy block you from knowing who you are.
2. “Aha” Moment of Purpose
Have you experienced that aha moment yet? That aha moment of when you discover your God given purpose. Visit that painful place in your life. The place that caused you to see yourself differently. Pain makes us run. The very place you’re running from dealing with is the place that your purpose lies. Pain births purpose. Purpose births passion. Passion births Power. When all three collide the promises of God manifest in your life. You will see the glory of God revealed in your life. You will run out of your past into your destiny full force. That aha moment will bring revelation to your purpose in life.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

3 Tips to Help You Enjoy Your Singleness

Women enjoying beautiful summer day at lake

When I was single, I was waiting and praying for a great husband to have an amazing marriage. However, in my time of waiting, I learned to be deliberate about resting in God and celebrating my singleness. Believe me, this wasn’t an easy journey, but with God, it turned out to be a wonderful process that enabled me to have a great marriage. Here are 3 good tips that I learned that will help you enjoy your singleness and not just tolerate it:

  1. Just Say No To The Pity Parties. We are all human and sometimes waiting can cause worry, self-pity, and anxiousness. I literally had to tell myself not to be anxious for marriage to keep from making wrong choices out of desperation. My favorite meditation in those moments became Philippians 4:6-8. As I meditated these scriptures, my mind, heart, and spirit began to shape my worries into prayers. As I keep God at the center of my life, I had more peace about my singleness, knowing that my husband would present himself in God’s timing.
  2. Don’t Miss out on Opportunities. As I prepared myself for marriage, I learned to do things that I could appreciate as a single woman. Remember, you won’t be single forever so maximize your season to experience God’s goodness (Psalm 27:13). Here are some things I did to be productive and maximize my opportunities before marriage:
  • Enhance your relationship with God (read the Word, prayer).
  • Join a singles ministry.
  • Go on a missions trip.
  • Take self-development classes.
  • Travel to experience new things and expand your worldview.
  1. Learn from Married People. Because I wanted to have a successful marriage, I surrounded myself with successfully married role models (Proverbs 11:14). I learned a lot by listening to their stories of how they kept their marriage going to gain secrets to a happy, godly marriage. Even after being married for almost 10 years, I still reach out to those same couples for marital advice. Are there any married couples that you can reach out to?

Can you add anything to the list? How has your journey of singleness and waiting on God been? Please share your thoughts below.

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Home Single

3 Reasons Why Good Men Overlook You

Portrait of a serious african or black american woman with arms folded standing over gray background and looking away, close-up

I honestly pray that women who read this and desire marriage will experience such a covenant ordained by God himself. However, are you frustrated because it seems as though good guys continue to overlook you? If you’re tired of this happening and desire to be found, here are a few possible reasons why Mr. Right hasn’t found you yet…
By the way, these reasons may sound harsh, but I want to give you the honest truth.

  1. You’re Not Approachable! Smile Lately?

Ladies, this is the unfortunate truth. If you have an attitude, if you’re always looking super serious, stuck-up, angry, bitter, annoyed, or the like… what man will want to approach you? More than likely, your facial expressions scare off men before they even decide to approach you. Some may say, “I look this way to keep the counterfeits away.” Well, you’re keeping the good guys away as well. As long as you are led by wisdom and the holy spirit, counterfeits won’t stand a chance anyway.
I encourage you to smile more. You shouldn’t look desperate but you should definitely look inviting and welcoming. Men are usually intimidated by the women they approach, so please stop making his job even more difficult by your mean-mug. Yes, he should pursue you but he can’t do that if your facial expressions say, “Stop, stay away!”

  1. You’re Not Presenting Yourself as a Lady. Appearance Matters!

Here’s another point I want to make very clear. Men like women and they were created to like women. If you present yourself as tough and manly, more than likely this will be an extreme turn-off for a guy. Also, because you are a lady, you should look, smell, and dress as such. No man wants a woman who’s sloppy, whose personal hygiene isn’t up to par, and who doesn’t dress up a bit.
A man will first see your outer appearance, so it’s important to put some work into your physical appearance. Take some time to make sure your hair and outfit are nicely done and put together. Get a manicure and pedicure bi-weekly. Also, I must emphasize again that personal hygiene is extremely important; how you smell matters!
Perfume products such as body wash, lotion, or sprays are not your enemy, they are your friends. (Unless you have an allergy of some sort, of course; then you may want to think of alternate options.)

  1. You’ve Created Your Spouse in Your Mind. There’s No Room for Mr. Right!

Lastly, I want you to know that sometimes what you’ve imagined and cultivated in your mind regarding what you feel your future spouse will or should look like doesn’t always materialize. Most people don’t marry the person they created in their heads. Honestly, the basis of it is all fantasy. Could it be that a nice gentleman who doesn’t meet your expectations physically but who meets your needs spiritually, morally, and personality-wise is trying to get your attention but you’re overlooking him? OUCH!
Ladies, this happens all the time! Now, I am not encouraging you to be open to someone you are completely un-attracted to, but I am saying to be a little more open by tearing down the false image of a spouse you’ve created in your mind. It’s just not healthy, and you’re probably missing out on a blessing from God.
Just a little bit of wisdom… hope this was helpful!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

Am I Ready to Get Married?

One of the most infamous questions you will ever get as a married person is– “How did you know they were the one?” Albeit, there are different answers pending on whom you ask, but here are a few ways to calm your wedding jitters.
If you are waiting for your flawless Prince Charming to show up, you will be waiting forever. When it comes to a potential spouse, there will never be a perfect person. If you can agree on the things that matter most to you: faith, morals, values, goals, etc. – you can learn to love anybody. The person you marry today will be a very different person 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years from now. It’s a matter of commitment. Love is more than just a feeling, it’s a daily choice.
 
So you said yes, you’ve started wedding planning and have that beautiful ring on your finger. All of a sudden, you begin to question:
Am I ready for this?
Let me start by saying – before you can be ready for marriage, you have to be comfortable by yourself. No relationship is going to fill the voids you find in your individual life – they may provide a temporary fix, but in the end you will still feel empty. You can’t allow your life’s happiness to be placed in the hands or the control of another human being. Find your identity, purpose, your SELF, and the right relationship will come in time.
No one can really prepare you for marriage because everyone’s marriage looks different. However, there are great resources like premarital counseling that can help the two of you figure out each other’s perspectives, habits, and personalities. In addition to premarital counseling, my husband and I went through the book “101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged” which really gave us insight into a lot of different areas we would not have thought to consider. It forced us to think about different scenarios or situations before they became an issue. There are plenty of additional premarital books out there if you choose to go through one with your fiancé.
Is this really what I want?
Only you can decide this. This will be your future – not your parent’s, pastor’s, friend’s, etc. It’s OKAY to not want to be married yet, and it’s okay if you do! Everyone’s timeline is different. Be honest with yourself and trust your gut. If you don’t feel at peace about it, seek counsel from someone you know that can bring you wisdom and perspective to help decipher between nerves and legitimate concerns.
Am I too young?
I am a firm believer that age does not qualify you as “ready” for marriage. My husband and I got married at 22 and are in some ways more mature than other friends that married much later in life. Your age does not determine whether your marriage will succeed or fail, rather the mindset and commitment you bring to the relationship. It is possible to be too immature to be married, but in many ways marriage forces you to grow up and take on more adult responsibilities as you learn to navigate life with another person, flaws and all.
What if I change my mind?
Regardless of the potential embarrassment you may feel, it is OKAY to call off a wedding. Personally, I would rather call off my wedding and feel embarrassed for a season instead of finding myself in a horrible marriage for the rest of my life. My dad always told me – even the day of our wedding before walking down the aisle – if you don’t want to do this, we can turn back now. Hopefully you have resolved before you get to the church doors, but don’t ever allow yourself to be trapped in a relationship you know is not right.
Every person has their flaws, weaknesses, baggage, but choosing to love them through it takes real commitment. Marriage is selfless. It’s about learning to love and put someone else’s needs before your own. It’s compromising on the restaurant you wanted to go to in order to make the other happy for dinner.  It’s learning how to communicate and how to resolve conflicts quicker. It’s sending a text message letting them know how much you appreciate them and you’re sorry for being dramatic by arguing about something so small this morning.
Marriage is work. But if both parties are willing to put the time and effort in to cultivate the marriage you both desire, I promise it will be one of the most beautiful and fulfilling journeys you ever step foot on.

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Home Single

If Being Single Is Your Only Problem, You're Blessed!

Young stylish charismatic African woman trying her new contemporary fashionable round-shaped sunglasses, looking at the sun, having positive face expression, isolated against red wall background

As a single, I often felt the looming pressure of being in a relationship. Close friends/relatives speculated about my sexuality and I was criticized for being tense, awkward and uninviting to those of the opposite sex. In university, I saw people meet their significant other and I also struggled with depression and created a fantasy life in my mind. I was hoping that Prince Charming would come and take all my worries away. Day after day, as I pined after my dream man, I became increasingly frustrated at God for forgetting about me. I thought I made a great “catch” so why hadn’t my dream man appear yet?

Take the time to Fully Heal and Develop the Fruit of the Spirit

Simply put, I was not ready to be in a relationship. I was insecure, I didn’t know who I was. The restoration process took many years. Years of lies and rejection had to replaced with God’s truth. I had to forgive those who planted deep ingrained wounds in my soul. If I entered a relationship prematurely, I would have projected my fears on that poor soul. I had to learn to be vulnerable and serve people who could spitefully use me. During this period I developed patience, gentleness, love and other fruits of the spirit. I set standards for myself and learned not to give myself to someone simply because they gave me attention. I am truly grateful for my season of restoration.

Trust God’s Timing

God’s ways are not our ways. God created the whole universe with a phrase. We immensely pale in comparison to the wisdom and knowledge of God. God needs to deal with our attitudes, motives and assignments. Marriage is not the most important facet of our lives, being born again is. God wants you and I to be grateful in whatever season that we’re in. There is a beauty in being married as well as in being single. If we try to overstep God’s timing, we risk heartache, missing God’s will for our life and much more.

If Being Single is the Only Problem in Your Life, You’re Blessed

Life and marriage is not about us. Our lives trials, successes and tribulations are for the glory of God. As annoying it may seem, consider it a blessing if being single is the only problem that you currently have in your life. There are people going through much more severe trials. For example, a friend of mines used her season of singleness to provide relief for the on – going Venezuela crisis. In my frailty, I have helped people who were suicidal, purposeless and going through other intense situations.

Find Your Purpose

It’s not about you. It’s about what God wants to do through you. You were made for such a time as this. Get yourself in order. I often hear people run into the ones they’re looking for when they’re not looking! For example, God has allowed me to cultivate my gift of story-telling using multimedia. As we learn to rest in God’s promises, we won’t waste our time being anxious over nothing.  

Scriptures and Additional Resources for Singles to Meditate On

But I prefer that you have no concern. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:32 MEV)
Look at the birds of the air, for they do not sow, nor do they reap, nor gather into barns. Yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much better than they ? (Matthew 6:26 MEV)
But he who is married cares for the things of the world, how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:33 – 34 MEV)
Video : Why God Told Me to Be Single by Monica Ummuna 

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Home Single

Girl, You're Still Single?

Sorry to come out and ask like that but this is a serious issue and I need us to come to an understanding that you may be the reason you’re still single.
Why?
1. Because your attitude stinks. I’m going to go ahead and get that one out the way. You’re always complaining or being negative. You’re very disrespectful and demeaning. I mean come on ladies, you can’t expect anyone to want to be around you when you’re constantly putting off bad vibes. Don’t we have enough bad vibes going around already? So, get rid of the stank attitude, it’s played out.
2. Because you’re too picky. He has to be 6’5, look good in grey sweatpants, wear a size 9 shoe, have muscles, facial hair, a house, good credit, a car, no kids, and be CEO of a company. I mean if you can get all that in one package, amen sister, but that is highly unlikely. Now I’m not saying to just be out here with no list but you can’t keep turning down men that aren’t everything on your list because nine times out of ten, THAT MAN DOESN’T EXIST. And let me just keep it all the way real with you, stop being so picky especially when you don’t even possess the qualities you’re looking for.
3. Because you’re using sex as an attraction method. Ever heard the phrase why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free? Well, that’s exactly what you’re doing, so why does he need to commit? If he’s getting everything he wants from you right now, what exactly is he working toward? Oh and let me let you in on a little secret, sex does not equate to relationship. So stop sleeping with every man you come into contact with, choose to wait for the one who wants to marry you. I guarantee when you take sex off the table, it will wean out those not worth your time.
4. Because you’re still caught up on your ex. When men approach you, all you can talk about is how old bae did this and how old bae did that. No man wants to hear about old bae, when he trying to become new bae. Stop blocking all his shots. My advice to you is to just say you’re not open to dating right now. Take time to really get over your last relationship before putting yourself out there for a new one.
5. Because no one knows you’re single. You post all these love songs and quotes all over your social media as if you’re hinting to a relationship. Stop sending mix signals. Or when you’re out and about, you turn down every guy that approaches you. Are you single or nah? I’m not saying you have to send up a red flare or anything but if you want to be in a relationship, then people need to know you’re single. So stop acting like you’re taken.
It’s tough to realize that the reason or reasons you may be single are because of you, but in a world where we want to blame everyone else, maybe  it’s time to start looking inward.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single Spiritual Intimacy

Don't Waste Your Single Season!

Do you find yourself in your singleness wondering when your season will change into marriage? Well, now is the time to shift your perspective. Your singleness is a blessing from God! It is a waiting season that can produce joy as you prepare for the one God has for you. Here are 3 practical tips to enjoy your singleness and use this season wisely.

  1. Focus on your first love. Matthew 22:37 states to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” Look to God as your total source of joy, purpose, love, and meaning. When God occupies the #1 spot in your life, you will have joy as you wait and prepare for your mate. Here are some ways to focus on God as your first love:
  • Spend intentional time in God’s Word and journal what God is speaking to you.
  • Pray and worship daily.
  • Serve your church and community.
  1. Guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 speaks of guarding your heart because it is the wellspring of life. This means your thoughts, words, and actions overflow from your heart. Putting any desire before God is considered an idol. Make it your top priority to stay joyful and guard against the idol of overly desiring a mate in your singleness.

Your waiting season is a gift, remember to stay open to your now! Enjoy your singleness, have fun, and stay in a place of excitement and openness to God’s blessings as you wait (Psalm 27:14). God has that special someone that He will present in His timing. He knows your future and is working out all the details of your love story.

  1. Start with the man or woman in the mirror. In this season, God is using this time to change you and make you more like Him. Proverbs 27:19 says that “as water reflects the face, one’s life reflects the heart. Don’t spend too much time focusing on “a list” of qualities that you want in your potential mate. Focus on being the right person for who God brings into your life. What are ways to focus on yourself as you wait?
  • Stay positive! (see Nehemiah 8:10, Psalm 28:7)
  • Take cooking classes.
  • Read godly books on character development and listening/communication skills for marriage preparation.
  • Pray and ask God to reveal a habit or weak area that may be a hindrance to marriage. When God reveals it, set small goals each day to strengthen yourself to overcome that area.

These three tips will help you stay out of a place of loneliness and embrace your season of singleness with joy. What other ways have worked for you as you enjoy your singleness?

Categories
Single

5 Scriptures to Shift Your Focus While Single

Portrait of beautiful young woman reading a book in the sofa.

Your single season is an important season. Often we miss the lesson in the season because we are distracted by status more than we are focused on God. Distractions are dangerous because it pulls us away from God. Distractions will have you in a place of trying to manipulate the promise. Your mate will come at the opportune time that God has designed. No sooner or later.
Don’t miss the blessings by getting ahead of God. Stay in in alignment with His will. Pull away from the noise: TV, social media, cellphone, etc. Only you know what causes you to be distracted. Don’t lose focus looking at your status. Keep your eyes on the Lord and in due season you will reap a harvest.
1. 1 Corinthians 7:35 “I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”
2. Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
3. Hebrews 12:2 “… fixing our attention on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of the faith, who, in view of the joy set before him, endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
4. Mark 6:31  ‘Then Jesus said, “Let’s go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.” He said this because there were so many people coming and going that Jesus and his apostles didn’t even have time to eat.’
5. Ephesians 6:11  “Clothe yourselves with the full armor of God so that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.”