Tag: christian

Categories
Home Single Spiritual Intimacy

7 Truths about God to know as a Single

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

I have a confession to make: I had a dramatic moment the other day when I let my circumstances get the best of me. “I feel like I’m going to be single forever!” I thought to myself. You know how they go – those pity-party, woe-is-me, depressing moments.
However, as I allowed my mind to go there for a second, my heart screamed – but that is not the nature of God! He is not One who neglects prayer, promises, or the desires of our heart. As I allowed that truth to counter the frustration I was feeling, I began to realize the significance of knowing God’s heart and filtering my thoughts through that. Here are some important truths I came up with about who God really is:
He is…

  1. One who answers prayers


1 John 5:14-15 says “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him.” If God designed us with a desire to be married (Psalms 139:13-16), and also created marriage, then unless we’ve been given the gift of celibacy…it is His will for us to get married. If it is His will for us to get married, then when asking for it is according to His will, all that’s left is for us to know that He hears us!
2. One who exceeds expectations
Ephesians 3:20-21 states, “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us…” He not only is a God that answers our prayers, He is a God that exceeds them! That means that we can expect Him to surpass our understanding of how He operates in our lives.
3. One who guards our hearts
It’s possible that the reason you are still single is because the Lord is protecting your heart in the process of preparing you to be a husband or a wife. In 2 Timothy 1:12, Paul talks about how he is “convinced that He is able to guard that which he has entrusted to Him.” If you have entrusted your heart to God, do you believe that He will guard it? Can you recognize His involvement in your relationships or lack of relationships as Him guarding your heart? Sometimes it’s difficult to separate our emotions from the reality of that truth, but if we can rise above our circumstances, we can see God for who He really is – a protective, caring Friend and Father.
4. One who fulfills promises
When Abraham was given an impossible promise, he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised.’ (Romans 4:21). In Hebrews 6:13-15, it says that “When God made His promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants. And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.” In those moments when you feel hopeless about your situation, remember that you are not the first to face a seemingly-impossible promise! If God has fulfilled that type of promise before, He will certainly do it again.
5. One who prepares us
God is a good Father. A good father wouldn’t put his child into a situation that they aren’t ready for. You may still be single because He is preparing you for marriage. 2 Peter 3:9 – “The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” What if He cares so deeply about the quality of your marriage that He won’t allow you to enter that season until you’re ready (ready by His [all-knowing, wise, understanding, preeminent] definition, not yours)
6. One who doesn’t disappoint us
Romans 9:33 says, “Behold, I lay in Zion a Stone of stumbling and a Rock of offense, and he who believes in Him will not be disappointed.” Psalm 22:5 says that “To You they cried out and were delivered; in You they trusted and were not disappointed.” If we’re feeling disappointed, my guess is that God isn’t finished with His work in our situation yet.
6. One who gives us the desires of our hearts
The famous verse, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart,” (Psalm 34:7) is important for singles to know and believe. It’s also important to know that if you’re waiting for Him to give you the desires of your heart, He may be calling you into deeper intimacy with Him. The phrase “take delight in the Lord” implies that our joy needs to be rooted in Him, not in people, things, talents, etc. Once that occurs, we can trust that He will fulfill dreams and desires.
Being single can have its ups and downs, as does any season of life. However, if we choose to let the truths of who God is define our view of our situation, then we are bound to be filled with hope and joy, no matter the circumstance!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

2 Myths Christian Single’s Must Stop Believing About Relationships

Shy woman and man sitting on sofa couch next each other. First date. Attractive girl and handsome guy meeting dating and trying to talk. Male touching picking up female. Instagram filtered.

There are many people I could blame for the establishing of certain myths that Christians have now embraced as expectations for marriage. A myth is anything that is an idea that is WIDELY held, but false.   It is so important when desiring to meet the right one for you that you have the right mindset to help you be successful in not only meeting, but eventually getting married.
 
These are 2 myths that I have heard taught strongly whether it be through social media posts, sermons, books, and we can’t forget romantic movies.
 
 
Lets start with the most important one.
 

  1. God has only one person for you to marry.

 
My background is in biblical studies with my major being in systematic theology. I have a strong passion for the Word of God, and also for the correct teaching of God’s Word. But, no where in scripture do we see the validation that there is only one person for you to marry. In fact if you examine this concept from the right angle it will all make sense.
 
If there were only one person for you to marry, then that means you have one chance to get it right. Last time I checked, God has taken many of my not so good decisions and turned them for His good according to Romans 8:28.
 
And, lets just for fun say you do make a mistake and marry the “wrong” person that God didn’t have specifically for you, then now your children are illegitimate. Your children’s children are illegitimate. You’ve basically just thrown off the entire universe because you married the “wrong” person.
 
Now, lets add to it. What happens if the one person God has for you marries someone else before you meet? Does that mean you must be single for forever because that person married to soon?
 
The goal isn’t to find the one person, but to find the best person that is suitable for you and your future. The reality is there are MANY people out there that could be suitable for you that God would approve of.
 
 

  1. God chooses your spouse.

 
The first account of marriage we see in the Word of God is Adam and Eve.
 
In Genesis 2:22-23 it states, “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man”.
 
The process of Adam and Eve coming into covenant was 2 steps. First God created her, then Adam CHOSE her. We do not see God saying to Adam, “HEY ADAM HERE SHE IS” or, “ADAM THAT’S HER”. But, we do see God presenting her to Adam, and then Adam CHOOSING HER.
 
Yes, 100% God needs to be a part of the process, but He has given us principles in His Word to help us choose a suitable mate.   Who you choose to marry should be a very conscious decision made with counsel from leaders, friends, and the peace of Holy Spirit. Do not choose someone because it just feels right, or because you had a dream about you two being together and immediately think God gave you the dream.
 
These two myths are MAJOR in the Christians journey for how they approach dating and relationships. Once you stop believing there is only person for you to marry and that the choice is not yours then it will truly free you to get to know people without the pressure of missing it or getting it wrong.
 
 

Categories
Single

10 Qualities of a Man Ready for Marriage

I started thinking about my unmarried or newly married friends and their dating/courting relationships. After you have committed to someone and have dated exclusively for some time, how do you know when you are ready to take the leap of faith and get married?
Marriage is wonderful but it can come with it’s challenges so you need to be prepared emotionally, spiritually, and financially to be happy beyond the wedding day.
This post is focused on the man especially since he is the head of the relationship. I have listed 20 qualities that I believe are attributes of a man ready for marriage. I decided to break this up into two separate articles to keep this one from being a book chapter instead of a blog post. Stay tuned for Part 2 and “Qualities of a Woman ready for a Godly Marriage”.
1. Seeks God with his whole heart-
Psalm 119: 9-11
9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.
10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.
11 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
The scripture says in order to keep yourself pure, hide His word in your heart. Seeking Him with your whole heart will keep you focused on pleasing God in all that you do.
2. Attends, gives and serves at a church
As a saved young woman, I have heard this line many times, “You are a Christian (or saved), oh that’s cool, I go to church, I am a member of…” I am happy that you “go to church”, but I believe you are a true member when you have invested your time, resources and talents to this church. The church cannot run itself without it’s members.
Your local church will be blessed by your help. What areas of the church are you serving in? How can you be a blessing to your pastor and members? I have found that serving in the church keeps you grounded, accountable and you learn so much about yourself and the life of Jesus by serving His people.
3. Has godly friends- Having godly friends will also help with accountability. Having friends who are walking with Jesus that will give you godly advice and will understand your struggles, praises, and will encourage your spiritual growth. The scripture says in Proverbs 27:17 that “Iron sharpens Iron”.
4. Has a good relationship with his family- I know all families are not perfect, but is there communication and respect with and towards the family.
This is important because if there are majors signs of dysfunction in the family, this unfortunately can filter over into your marriage. You will need to have open communication about the future in-laws.
5. Prays with and encourages you to pursue God more while he is pursuing you- The man is the head of the household. He will need to treat the bride as Jesus does the church. The Lord of Lord’s desires a church without spot or blemish.
Jesus loves us with an everlasting love. A godly man will want his wife to be all that God has called her to be. A godly man will want his woman to put God first before him.
6. Has a job or career- The husband will be the provider of the family and head of the household. He will need a job or is working (in school) to obtain a career.
7. Encourages you to  pursue your passion and goals- He will not be intimidated or will not limit his woman’s God given gifts.
8. Abstains from sexual immorality and fornication-
1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
The above scriptures describes those that fall to lust as those who do not know God. God does not want you to corrupt your body with this sin. Having sex outside of marriage will bring on a slew of problems into a pure relationship.
It is created for husband and wife only to enjoy. If you are not abstaining from this, you are sinning against God and your body.
This will keep the enemy from corrupting your union before it has even started. If this has already happened in your relationship, please seek Godly counsel on how to proceed with your relationship.
This goes back to being involved in a church, having Godly friends, and being guided by your pastor. Your support system will help you as a couple get back on track.
9. Communicates with you about his past, his struggles, and future- You do not want to have any surprises before you say “I do”.
10. Enjoys spending time with you- My grandfather who had been married for almost 60 years before he passed, gave me and Joel this one piece of marriage advice, “Have fun with each other.”
You want to enjoy your time together even if you are doing something that you don’t want to do. It shows that you want to invest in getting to know your mate and showing them how much you love and appreciate them.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Reconcile Your Past Relationships to Gain Access to Your Future

355726

 
As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
 
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
 
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
 
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
 
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19).  Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
 
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and  to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
 

Categories
Marriage

How to Be There When Your Spouse is Grieving

On March 22nd 2015, I received a phone call from my Uncle Earl. He called to see how I was settling in to my new home in Georgia. I expressed to him how nice it was to get away from the hustle and bustle of NYC. I talked to him about his knee surgery and he told me he was doing well. Midnight of March 23rd, I received a call from my dad.
He informed me that my uncle had passed away. My heart fell to pieces. I cried into my husband’s shoulders as it all sank in. I mourned not only for my uncle, but for my cousins’ loss and my father’s loss.
 
The next few days were difficult. I was lost in a daze wondering how life and how God could be so cruel. Though my cousins are adults, I felt like they were orphaned and it wasn’t fair. I withdrew myself from my family; not for long, but I withdrew nevertheless. I tried to smile for my daughter, but the pain and confusion I felt could not be masked.
 
My husband tried his best to hold up his grieving wife, but I was so sensitive that the slightest joke made me fall apart. Instead of trying to cheer me up, he began to grieve with me.
 
I knew right away that I would be attending the funeral, even though it would have put a financial strain on us. My husband refused to let me attend alone. Though I tried to tell him that we didn’t have the money and that I would be okay, he said “I have to be there for you.”
 
In our five year relationship, we’ve experienced significant losses on his side, and I always tried to be there for him as much as possible. In fact, when he lost his grandfather, we were in the middle of a fight. I was pregnant and in the hospital with high blood pressure and contractions at 7 months and was two hours away from home. I begged him to stay with his family and not travel to see me because I was so angry with him, but in all of my anger, I tried my best to be there for him. I helped him and his cousin work on the programs and I checked on him often to make sure that he was okay.
 
Three years later, he was going to do everything in his power to be there for me. Thankfully, myself, my husband, and little girl received assistance with our tickets and were able to travel as a family. I am so glad that we did. My husband held me through it all, bonded with my family, and made it his mission to be present. That’s all I really needed.
 
Sometimes it’s difficult to understand your duty as a spouse when your husband or wife loses a loved one. How are you supposed react, especially when it isn’t someone you didn’t really know well? Just be present. Try your best to be all the support that he or she needs. Don’t argue about the little things because they don’t matter—frankly they never really matter, because as you now see, life is too short.
Your spouse may react in bizarre ways, like cry when he/she is supposed to laugh but it’s all a part of the grieving process. So, grieve with him/her. You don’t have to speak, just be there.
 
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) God has given us the ability and nature to be empathetic. Apply the innate empathy to your unconditional love for your spouse and you will be the best (earthly) remedy for your spouse’s broken heart.

Categories
Marriage

Identifying Your Role in Your Marital Problems

For the last few months I have been feeling like there are times when my husband and I are disconnected. Of course, in my mind, it was my husband’s fault because I can do no wrong, right? Well, I’ve recently learned that I can do wrong and I have been wrong for months.
Someone very wise spoke to me recently and said that I cannot base my marriage and my role as a wife on the words or attitude of my husband. My husband has bad days just like I do. My husband is human.
This person also reminded me of the good in him, which I had apparently quickly forgotten considering that I had just spoken about how amazing he is at his birthday party. The very next day following this affirmation of my love for him, I found myself angry and heartbroken over something small and declared that he can’t possibly love me. It was that easy for me to throw away almost five years of love, fun, smiles, and hard-work simply over a series of small arguments. Though I always think small arguments are indicative of a bigger issue, we usually know how to identify the big issues and work through them. The fact that we weren’t working through them told me that something was very wrong, and at the time was sure that it was him.
The night that we had our first issue also happened to be the second night in a row that we didn’t read the bible and pray as a family as we usually do. I decided to break the pattern, so I prayed with my daughter, and then again on my own. When I was praying on my own, I began to lift up our family. While praying for my family, God began to instruct me to pray against anger and hurt. I thought I needed to pray for the issues within the family, but what I realized was that one of the factors causing the issues was the anger and hurt I was harboring. There seemed to be a lot of anger within me that God wanted to deal with. How can I expect my house to remain standing if I don’t take care of its foundation? I am a part of that foundation.
By the next day, my husband and I had the chance to really sit down and talk. Our issues stemmed from varying views on disciplining our child. I had a hard time listening to his criticisms, but I listened anyways. That night he said that he wanted us to get back into reading the bible and praying. The first verse in Proverbs 29 says, “Whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery.” Between the continued verses about criticism and discipline, I had an incredibly hard time reading the chapter. But, through those verses, God truly opened my eyes to the changes I needed to make in my attitude in order to have a healthy marriage.
I am learning that when I have an issue in my marriage, I need to first look at myself before blaming my spouse, and then approach the issue. The Word says, “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3-4).  Before turning to and on your spouse, consider looking at your faults first. This will enable you to have a healthier perspective on both your role and your spouses’ role in the disagreement. Once you have gained a healthy perspective, you will then be able to clearly discuss the issue and agree upon a solution.
Also, it is important to spend time with God together so that you two can continue to maintain and strengthen your foundation. Storms may come your way, but once you take care of your foundation, the two of you will be able to remain standing and defeat and overcome all obstacles that come your way. “For where two or three gather together as my followers,[a] I am there among them.” (Matthew 18:20) When you gather together with your family to pray, you are allowing God into your household and into your marriage. And with God, you cannot fail.
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Set the Foundation for Love with Honesty

My husband and I met in person at Central Park. Our business conversation quickly turned into a conversation about everything else. As he walked me to the train (after his attempt to kiss me) he stared at every movement my large lips made. I kindly asked him not to do that because it made me uncomfortable as most full-liped ladies would know. Now that I think back to that encounter, I wonder if he was looking at my lips or mesmerized by the things I said to him.
As I said in a previous article, he told me he loved me just days after meeting me. Thinking back now, I know that we were at the most vulnerable points in our lives and were able to be honest. Honesty is most important when trying to develop a relationship with someone. It is even more important than having things in common and spending quality time. It’s definitely more important than playing the so-called game of “trapping the man.”
We’ve all done it: try to find ways to get him to put a ring on it. But it is impossible to make him want you if you aren’t being yourself. The best way to show him who you really are is by the words you use. Don’t be afraid to voice what you are looking for in a relationship. You don’t want to run him off with your long list of demands but be candid about the type of relationship that you want. Make sure that you are clear that you want a monogamous relationship that can possibly lead to marriage. Why waste time? In the past, I’ve told guys that I just want to keep it casual when I really wanted to say, “I want to have your babies.” Although, God allowed me to be fearless enough to say that to my husband on our first date, I could have kept that to myself. The thing that I did let him know, which was the right thing to do was that I was tired of mindlessly dating. Yes, I was young (20) but I was tired of having a broken heart. I made sure to let God know and let him know.
I was honest but I wasn’t demanding—not at first anyway. I simply explained to the man I knew I wanted to marry, that I don’t casually date and that I hoped that the next man I was monogamous with was going to be the last person that I was with. I assured him that I was not pressuring him into anything but I wanted to be open with him. I didn’t want to date him under false pretenses and I didn’t want him to do that to me either. He appreciated my honesty and felt like he could be honest as well. It turned out that he was tired of just dating too. He was actually considering marrying someone else if he didn’t meet the right one by age 30. He appreciated that he met me before he made the mistake of marrying the wrong one.
Though it may be early in a relationship consider that the early days are your building days. These are the days that you are constructing the foundation for a long-lasting love. Love can only exist in an honest place. Its foundations must be biblical in order to thrive. “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” (Proverbs 18:21) You have the power to speak life into your relationship by being honest so be mindful of the words that you speak to your potential spouse. Also, be careful not to be demanding; that is a good way to run him off. Don’t think that as soon as you talk about your intentions for your future that you should start planning your wedding. “4Love is patient and kind…6 It does not demand its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6) It just means that you’re not wasting anymore time in relationships that aren’t going in the right direction.

Categories
Parenting

What it Means to Christen Your Child

When I christened my daughter, I made a vow to raise my child in the word of God. I have spent the last two years (plus the pregnancy) instilling in her the values that the Lord laid out for us. I remember talking to my in-laws about the Christening right after I gave birth to her. My husband and I expressed to them who we had chosen to be our child’s Godparents and they expressed to us how wrong we were.
“Why wouldn’t you make the person that got you two together your baby’s Godfather?” My husband, Robert’s, best friend introduced us and we have been inseparable since. We’ve thanked him but we could not put the raising of our child in his hands. Though he is a great person, he is not a Christian (his name is Christian but that’s the extent of it!). Of course we were told that, “we are taking it too seriously.”
There is nothing more serious than a child’s eternity. When a child is dedicated to God, the parents and Godparents vow to raise that child according to the bible. Why choose someone who has no intention of living that way themselves? You would not want your child going to a school with teachers who never attended college so why ask unqualified people to help teach your child about the way they should live?
Christening a child is not a tradition—God is not a God of traditions. Christening a child is a covenant. You stand in a church before the congregation, family and friends, alongside your spouse and your child and take vows. Sounds a little bit like a wedding, right? After the wedding, you don’t throw up your hands and go back to living as a bachelor/bachelorette. You merge your life with your spouse and form a union with that person. The same is required after the christening. “6 These words I am commanding you today must be kept in mind, 7 and you must teach them to your children and speak of them as you sit in your house, as you walk along the road, as you lie down, and as you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7) You have to become more focused on following the word, on teaching your child how to pray, and being an example for your child. Though you may be doing these things prior to the christening, you are taking a symbolic step to declare to God and the world that you are giving your child to Him.
It is very important to maintain your relationship with your child, God, and his/her godparents so that you don’t break that contract. Not only are the Godparents, teachers of the word, they are a support system. The child should know that they will always be surrounded with love and support. When preparing to dedicate your baby, carefully consider the people in your life that have all of the traits you want instilled as your child grows, including a strong relationship with God. “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

Categories
Parenting

When A Marriage Starts to Negatively Affect the Children

One of the points in my life that truly defined my childhood was watching my parents fight. I literally felt that I was not only in the middle of it but I was the reason for the fighting. I often felt like I had to choose sides and if I didn’t choose the right side then that would cause an even bigger issue. Another significant part of my childhood (and adulthood) was dealing with migraines along with a whole host of “medical mysteries.” My emotional issues manifested itself physically.
I have two parents who love me and my brother to no end. They would do anything for us including spending eighteen years in a painfully loveless marriage. My brother and I spent so much time wondering when they were just going to give up. What were they waiting around for? I learned later that they thought it would be best for us to have both parents in the home but it was probably one of the worst parenting decisions that they’ve made.
According to the word of God, divorce is not to be granted unless adultery is committed. What if they’re wrong for each other and it is now hurting the kids? Let’s examine what adultery is as defined by the word of God. “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)
When you get married, you vow to love your spouse’s qualities and flaws but when you feel like he/she isn’t good enough, it means you’re desiring greener grass. You may not have someone in mind but you are lusting after the idea of a person. The bible refers to lust as “looking with intention.” The bible uses the “eye” figuratively to describe who we are and our inner desires. In other words, the eye represents the soul. “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22) The sign of a healthy eye is one that is complete. When you get married, you become one with your spouse. If your soul separates from your spouse, whether it be by physical means, in heart or mind, then your eye is unhealthy. It is in search of another soul to cling to and it is at that point when you commit adultery. It is now up to you to try to find a way to reconnect with your spouse or decide to live outside of your union. When children are involved, consider that the children feel everything that you are feeling.
“Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21) As parents, it is your duty to protect your children. Staying in a marriage that causes you to fight and be consistently unhappy in front of your children is not protecting them, it is provoking them. Your negative energy and relationship makes it difficult for them to have healthy relationships in the future because all they’ve experienced is dysfunction.
They will be reluctant to be married and discouraged by the definition of love set by your standards. Remember, the way you want your children to be loved and cared for in a marriage is the same way you should love and care for your spouse. This means trying to salvage the marriage through counseling and making an effort to rediscover the things that made you fall in love with them. It also calls for you to take some time to examine yourself and come to terms with your truth. When did you change? When did your soul disconnect from the person you vowed to love? Ask God to forgive you for allowing your marriage to disintegrate and ask Him for guidance.
If you feel like the marriage has come to an end, the best thing you can do for your family is humble yourself, and seek counseling together as a couple.  Continue to strive for a cordial relationship with your spouse in order to raise the children. It will give your children the chance to understand what it means to have a healthy relationship.

Categories
Engaged Home Marriage

Refusing the Generational Curse

I didn’t learn about generational curses until 5 years ago during a Deliverance service. Generational curses are negative things that follow a family for generations. It is a cycle of regrets, rejections, addictions, and pain. Though your marriage may seem perfect, there are curses that may follow you, if you allow them to.
Growing up, I was surrounded by dysfunctional relationships, including that of my parents. I saw the phony happiness as well as the blatant disrespect on both parts. How is a child ever to know what love is? In my eyes, love was not something I thought I’d ever have but I felt I needed. It scared me because I thought that if I sought love then it would hurt. And it did.
Love was treacherous for me from high school, when I first started (secretly) dating up to the time I met my husband. Even though I was not allowed to date, I snuck around and I am kind of glad that I did. I was able to get the ugly out of the way and now I have more time with the man made for me. I am not advocating pre-mature dating or disobedience. I should have listened to my mom but my stubbornness has helped as well as it has hurt me.
My generational curse was the idea that love was supposed to be “painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary,” like Olivia Pope thinks it should be (Scandal Season 2). Love is supposed be the feeling of “peace in the middle of the storm,” being empty and full at the same time, being inexplicably happy, and yes extraordinary. But that wasn’t what I saw in my household or in the generations before my parents. I had to let go of the memory of my forefathers and embrace the vision God gave me.
Before getting married, I spent time studying 1 Corinthians chapter 7, where Paul discusses sex and marriage. I struggled with fornication and I wanted things to be perfect in my relationship. I studied and studied until I started to look past the sex aspect and learned that marriage is about sacrifices; it is about the positive bondage. I didn’t realize that this type of connection or “oneness” existed because it wasn’t anything I had ever experienced or witnessed. The “bondage” puts an end to that curse because it required me to cling to my spouse. I had to shake off the old single me AND the old curses I was raised under.
When I started attending church on a regular basis, I witnessed happy marriages. Spending time around marriages that were strong, broke the curse and created a blessing. I threw away the curse of brokenness and clung to unity. I am determined to have an 80 year marriage as crazy as it may seem. I had to combat the mistrust, the desire to give up, and the painful past in order to step into my future.