Month: September 2016

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Home Marriage

5 Things You Will Learn Only AFTER Marriage

Bride and groom put their hands together on wedding bouquet

I am the queen of marriage preparation. I believe that in order to have a healthy marriage it is so important that you prepare as best as you can. As a pastor and therapist, I counseled countless people on marital issues before I got married but there are certain things that I have a clearer sense of and understanding of now that I am married.
 1. Covenant– Covenant is not something that can be taught but it has to be felt, there is something about saying “I do” that seals the deal. You can live with someone for years, but there is something about saying till death do us part that puts a sense of reverence and determination in your heart to make it work(or at least it should)
2. Bond– Scripture says a man will leave his family and cleave or be glued to his wife. The bond that is formed in marriage really is supernatural. Once again, it is something felt, it makes you want to go to the end of the world for the one you love, it makes you know and feel like you will never have to face the world again.
3.  Security- Not only is there financial security in a healthy marriage, there is emotional security. Marriage gives you someone to pour your heart to and  should be the place where you feel safe to be weak and to be strong; it helps anchor you in who you knew you were always meant to be.
4.  Joy- The joy that comes in the hard work, in laying your desires, yourself down, in choosing another person over yourself daily. While at times it is hard there is joy in living for something bigger than yourself.
5.  Commitment– Marriage is the most important commitment you will ever make. Commitment matures a person; it teaches us to not to give up,  to learn grit. and to have an ability to stick things out.
We thank God for the opportunity to love someone the way He loves the church daily! Do not see marriage as work but as joy, an opportunity to grow like Him.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

How to Find Real Love Online

Living in a continuously advancing digital age comes with countless benefits, I mean we practically have the world at our finger tips with the unlimited amount of access we have. There seems to be an app for everything these days; just think of any convenient, or wild far fetched idea, and there’s probably an app for it. From finding the closest garage sales, to locating the best donut, to catching as many pocket monsters you can; you name it, its out there. And if for any reason it isn’t…you can make it happen! And it’s just the same for finding love. There are tons of dating apps that suit pretty much anything or anyone you’re looking for. However, it seems that despite all of the ways there are to get what we want, it is still so few and far between. Now I’m not claiming to have all of the answers, but I know how it should be done.
1.) Look past the cover– In a day and age where we can get what pleases our eyes by merely swiping right is nothing short of distasteful. I’m not saying physical attraction isn’t important, but when you reduce someones qualities by looks alone, than you’re not getting anywhere close to the true nature of a person. You have to look beyond the surface, as the old saying goes “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
2.) Keep your values– Lets face it, not everyone online is really looking for “love” but its important to stick with your intentions. If real love is what you’re looking for, then you should be seeking nothing but that, or else you’ll be trapped in someone else’s web of “love.”
3.) Don’t force it– Just because you’ve met someone that has the “potential”of being the one doesn’t mean they are. If your gut tells you to move right along, then you most likely should.
4.) Don’t subject yourself– If you feel that you have to post suggestive photos of yourself in order to be appealing, then you’re not going to attract anyone who is looking beyond what you’re suggesting.
5.) The right site– There are tons of online dating sites to choose from, but its important to do your due diligence by investing your time on the ones that are known to deliver. Steer away from the ones that are solely known for… well you know what.
6.) Be Authentic– Creating an online profile that displays the true you, and at the same time be gravitating can feel like your own personal human advertisement. However, always remain authentic, the right person will love you for you.

Categories
Home Marriage

Why Every Marriage Should Have a Mission and a Mandate.

People get married for many reasons, the reasons range from being in love, in lust, finding a best friend, being led by God, etc. One of the most important things that a couple most know is WHY God has brought them together.
In order to do this, each individual must have clarity on their purpose and why God created them. It is very difficult to enter into a marriage with purpose when you do not know your purpose.
We have all learned by now that marriage for Christians is not just about the two people loving each other but a lot about what God has put in each of them and how they can make an impact in the earth.
Every marriage should have a mission beyond having children and making a lot of money. Why has God put you together? What are you could to achieve as a couple?
Your mission or mandate will be the glue when your marriage gets hard. Having a mission for your marriage helps you fight for something bigger than yourself.  When both realize that they are not just in this thing for themselves, they are more likely to work harder to stay together.
Here are some questions to ask your spouse in order to create a mission.

  1. What do I bring to the table?
  2. How can my spouse and I fuse our strengths and passions?
  3. What is something we are both passionate about?
  4. What are the steps we need to take to live out this mission?

Categories
Single

How to Be Single When You Know You're A Catch

Portrait of an attractive african american woman with laptop looking out of window

 “Don’t worry, the right person will come along at the right time.”
“They don’t know what they are missing out on.”
“You’re such a catch.”
Any of these phrases sound familiar?
I remember going through my single season and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?”  Often times I felt like I had so much to offer, yet no one seemed interested in it.
Was I not pretty enough?
Did I not try hard enough to put myself out there?
Were there aspects of my personality that I didn’t see, but others found unattractive?
Being single can be one of the most vulnerable places. I started comparing myself to those around me – friends in long term relationships, others engaged, standing up in weddings for friends getting married, all while my “Prince Charming” seemed nowhere in sight. Here are some things I did through my season of singleness and how I navigated through it.
 
Affirm yourself.
One of the greatest challenges as a single is that it forces you to become your biggest supporter/cheerleader, and often your first affirmer aside from God. In a world that has taught you to find your affirmation elsewhere, the idea of drawing it from above and within can seem foreign. You are your hottest commodity – act like it! If you do not find value in yourself, how do you expect others to see it?
Set goals for where you want to go.
Don’t let the lack of a relationship or the potential of a future one keep you from accomplishing where you want to go. Use this time to push yourself to greater levels and make yourself the best version of you. If you have no vision or goals, where do you expect to go in a relationship? A relationship without vision or direction is a waste of time and will only fulfill you temporarily.
Accept it’s not your timing but God’s.
I will be the first to say, NO ONE LIKES THIS ANSWER. But be patient! You never know what God may be teaching you, or your future spouse, that may be pertinent to unlocking personal growth, and preparing both hearts for a relationship. Would you rather rush to your destination and get into a crash, or trust the time/path God is taking you, to arrive where He planned at the right time.
It’s OKAY to desire a relationship and still be confident in who you are at the time.
People seem to have a hard time with the idea of both – you’re either in a relationship or you have to portray yourself as someone focused elsewhere. It’s okay to be open about wanting a relationship, and no it doesn’t make you look desperate or unable to be on your own. If it is truly a desire of your heart, don’t allow others to dictate the way you feel about wanting a relationship.
 
And just a few last words of advice:

  1. Seek counsel from those that can bring an objective view about you.

Whether your mentor or professional counseling, personal growth and development can bring about healing and positive changes. Becoming more self-aware can help prepare you for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

  1. Position Yourself to Be Found.

Are you going other places outside of work and home? Try getting out with friends, getting more actively involved with your hobbies, or volunteering for a cause that means a lot to you. All of these places are great ways to meet people and you will already have things in common! Don’t count out online dating as well! It’s worked for many and some of our closest friends.

  1. Guard Your Heart.

I know this seems silly after basically telling you to “put yourself out there,” but in all seriousness, have boundaries. Don’t feel that you have to give more than you are ready to, and don’t settle for someone that is below your standards (in regards to foundational principles or values). Settling to get a relationship in the now will only cause you hurt and emotional turmoil in the future if/when things do not work out.
Remember – you are worthy! You are valued. You are loved. Don’t send yourself to the clearance aisle when you were made to be one of a kind!
 
Anyone else struggle with feeling “not good enough?” What are some things that helped you find value in YOU?
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

7 Subtle Qualities to Watch For in a Significant Other

Couple having picnic on beach

If you’re anything like me, you could rattle off a handful of characteristics that you’re looking for in a spouse. Ranging from values, to appearance, to similar interests, it’s easy to dream up the ‘ideal spouse’ and filter your dating experiences through that lens.  While that’s all fine and dandy, I believe there are some characteristics that require a little more scrutiny and often get overlooked, but can greatly impact the quality of a long-term relationship. Here are a few traits to search for if you’re wanting to find someone who will be your forever person.
1) Someone That Will Choose You
The idea of a marriage where both people are head over heels in love every minute sure is a nice thought, but… completely unrealistic. If you are dating someone that seems to be looking for that type of relationship, you’ll want to get a deeper understanding of how they view marriage and how they will handle adversity before it gets serious. Look for a person who knows that there is intentionality involved in a commitment.
2) Someone Who is Open to Self-Improvement
If the person you’re interested in makes comments like ‘this is just the way I am,’ or ‘I’ve always done things this way’ you may want to ask more questions to see where they stand on self-improvement. Marriage involves compromise, so if your significant other is set in his/her ways, it could create some major conflict later on. But if your love interest is working on weaknesses and is wanting to continually better themselves, there is a great chance that they will carry that into a marriage – allowing an opportunity for both of you to be your best for the other!
3) Contentedness
Is the person you’re dating happy with themselves and their life as it is? Or are they constantly looking for the next best thing? If he/she doesn’t seem to be content, they might be looking to you to be their source of happiness. If this is the case, it’s inevitable that either a) you will get burnt out trying to keep them happy or b) they will look for someone or something else to fill that void. True contentedness comes from a rooted identity in God, and when both people are grounded in that truth, there is an added stability to the relationship.
4) Values What You Value
Simply put – you will want to be with someone who cares about your dreams and desires if you want to really thrive in those areas of your life. If your significant other isn’t interested in the areas of your life that you are most passionate about, it could easily bring discouragement and tension. Note – this doesn’t mean that you have to share the exact same passions.
5) Sees the Big Picture
Does your significant other have long term plans? Are they careful with their finances? Do they know what they want to do career-wise? Do they know if they want to have a family? These are areas of life that could significantly affect both of you down the road, and so it’s important to find out where he/she stands on these issues before getting serious.
6) Has a Positive View on Family
Our histories with family influence our thoughts and actions greatly. Some have learned how to do family well because that’s the example that was set. But there are some people who have been so hurt by their family that they either a) resent family in general, b) haven’t recognized it and therefore repeat the same mistakes their family may have made, or hopefully, c) want to completely redeem their family history. Ask questions about your significant other’s history and get an understanding on how they view family. If they have a negative outlook you may want to be cautious before promising them forever.
7) Betters Others
Is the person you’re interested in the type that wants to bring out the best in others or convince them to make poor choices in one way or another? I have dated both types, and found that the latter has a way of sucking the life out of you. Pay attention to the type of influence he/she has on you – chances are pretty good that it will carry into marriage!
All in all, there’s much to think about before making a long term commitment to another person…with good reason! You’ll never find a perfect person, but paying attention to the little things could set you both up for a successful marriage. And don’t forget – your ‘forever person’ won’t just possess these qualities, but will be looking for someone who has them as well!

Categories
Home Single

7 Steps for Singles to Prepare Their Hearts to Love Again

Portrait of a young african woman sitting at outdoor cafe using cellphone

Have you been hurt in the past or disappointed by a relationship you hoped would work but didn’t? Are you open to the idea of entering into a relationship again by courting? If so, it is very important to make sure your heart is ready for love. Here are a few steps to help you on your way:
Step 1 – Stabilize Your Foundation
It is imperative that your heart be stabilized and built on the foundation of Christ. Without taking the time to intentionally build an intimate relationship with the one who formed your heart, you are willingly setting yourself up to fail in your future relationship – and, truth be told, in relationships in general. Having a stabilized foundation in Christ helps you to:

  • Forgive quickly and easily
  • Problem solve and communicate from a place of humility
  • Maintain control over your emotions
  • Maintain sobriety

And the list goes on…
Step 2 – Cut the Ties in Your Heart to Ex-Relationships
If you’ve been involved in a past relationship, make sure to search your heart regarding possible emotional ties to that old relationship. You may have hidden expectations and desires to return to a relationship with your ex. Holding on to “the old” will cause you to look for the qualities and characteristics of “the old” in the person who could possibly be “the one.” Because your heart is still tied to your ex, you could unconsciously compare your ex to “the one” and miss out on a beautiful relationship because “the one” doesn’t exemplify the same qualities or characteristics.
Step 3 – Rid Yourself of the Toxicity of Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness is a terrible poison that keeps you from opening your heart. It eventually turns into pride and causes you to become a selfish person. Does that sound like anyone you would want to be in a relationship with? I didn’t think so. This is why it’s important that you take the time to willingly let go of grudges, regrets, and feelings of revenge. If you desire marriage, you must desire to forgive quickly.
Step 4 – Willingly Learn to Trust Again
I completely understand that trusting someone can be difficult, and can be even more difficult if you’ve been hurt before. However, the truth of the matter is that to know when “the one” has come, you must be able to trust God. From there, you must be able to willingly trust the person you decided to be in a relationship with. Trust issues cause tensions and feelings of uncertainty. They also rob your relationship of peace. If a person hasn’t given you a reason not to trust, don’t punish them because of your own insecurities or because of the hurt you experienced at the hands of another.
Step 5 – Mature Your Heart & Purify Your Motives
You may ask, “How exactly do I do that?” Well, it all starts with prayer and devotional life. Maintaining a disciplined prayer and devotional life helps your heart, as well as your life motives to become more like Christ. The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Guess what? Your motives are generated from the heart. So clean up that heart and make room for the blessing God has for you.
Step 6 – Remove the Guard That Keeps Away “The One”
When you’ve experienced hurt, sometimes you will guard your heart, so much so that you could become cold-hearted. Basically, you’re not allowing anyone into your heart; you’re hanging a sign on it saying “Do Not Enter” or “Love Not Wanted.” If you truly desire marriage, you have to remove the guard. It can be scary doing so because your guard keeps you from feeling the pain of disappointment and rejection. But, let me be honest with you. You will never discover “the one” with a guard on your heart. In reality, the guard rejects the “the one.”
Step 7 – Maintain a Healthy Heart While Waiting
Continue to do heart checks on a regular basis. Check your heart for any damage and fix it immediately. Prolonging dealing with heart issues causes the issues to become more deeply embedded and more difficult to heal from. In addition, feed your heart good things, such as the scriptures; pray over your heart and remain accountable and honest with the issues within it to those you trust.
Get to work, your future spouse will thank you!

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

8 Questions to Ask on a First Date

See when I opened myself up to dating, I already knew in my mind that my goal was to get married. So I’m not going to waste 5 dates with someone that doesn’t want to get married.
I’m not a time waster and I would hate to waste someone else’s time. That’s why I came up with these 7 first date questions.
1. Do you have a relationship with Christ?
2. Who holds you accountable with your walk?
With these questions, I’m trying to figure out IF HE/SHE KNOWS JESUS? Does he/she have a relationship with him? Does he/she just attend church and sit in the back row or does he actually involve himself/herself with the church? Are we equally yoked? If not, thanks but no thanks!
3. How’s your relationship with your parents?
4. How do you feel about marriage?
These are the questions you ask to find out about his views on relationships and  how well he maintains them.
5. What are your core values?
6. Have you identified your purpose, your calling? Spiritual gifts?
It’s important to know what keeps him/her grounded. What directions does God have him/her going in? If you’re going to be someone’s help meet, you need to know what you’re helping with.
7. Are you having sex or have you decided to wait until you’re married?
8. What type of boundaries do you have in place when dealing with the opposite sex?
This will help you learn about his/her sexual history and also how they deal with the opposite sex. I mean, are they just all out here all “willy nilly” or do they have self-control?
The list of questions you can ask on date are endless, the most important thing is to just ASK them.
When you decide to enter into a relationship with someone, you’re in relationship with their heart, their soul, their decisions, their past and their future.
So when I started thinking about it that way, I knew I would have to learn to ask the hard questions upfront if I didn’t want to waste time. So what if they run scared, mission accomplished and if they don’t, well, then there’s potential.
What questions would you ask on a first date?

Categories
Dating/Courting Parenting

Dating and the Single Parent: 4 Ways to Date God's Way

Dark-skinned young couple sitting at restaurant: black man in glasses holding his girlfriend's hands, declaring his love to her or proposing on their anniversary day, both looking happy and cheerful

Being a single parent and dating can be a great experience when it is done God’s way. In my experience, I became a single mother at 22 and came to Christ at the age of 25. I learned very quickly the difference between the world of modern dating and dating God’s way. Growing in God helped me to understand that godly dating and courtship is the precursor to marriage with God as the foundation. I also wanted to give my daughter a godly image of dating so she would be anchored in God’s ways. Here’s what dating as a single parent taught me:

  1. Pursue God. God wants us to pursue Him. He desires that we not search for love or seek self-worth in the pursuit of a mate. Nothing compares to a man or woman who pursues God and shines God’s love and light from the inside out. Jeremiah 31:3 says that “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” This means that you are already loved, fearfully and wonderfully made, and accepted by God. You can rest assured that His love is enough.
  1. Wisdom is the Principal Thing. How many times have you dated only to realize later that he or she was wrong for you? As you date, ask God to give you wisdom and show you His perspective on your relationship daily to make quality decisions. You can trust God to lead and protect you because He wants the absolute best for you (Proverbs 3:5-6). Once He shows you His perspective, follow His guidance. Having a Christ-centered perspective is important because our decisions are based on how we see things. Seeing your relationship from God’s vantage point will help you avoid unnecessary issues. After all, God’s goal for dating is for marriage and family. Wisdom and discernment will help you understand if you and your potential date have similar values and if children will be blessed by being a blended family.
  1. Have Patience. The world’s perspective on dating symbolizes a rush mentality. As Christians, God’s timing is always best because rushing into a relationship will produce half-baked results (Philippians 4:6). When dating, I learned that it was ok to relax and wait to be pursued by my mate (who is now my husband!), keeping God in the center of our relationship and lives. Understanding your motivations for dating will prevent you from jumping in and out of dating relationships. You want to make sure that the person that you date has good moral character (encourages and challenges you to walk closer with God, submissive to God, humble, self-controlled, and demonstrates good parenting behaviors).
  1. Set boundaries. I introduced my daughter to my mate (now my husband) slowly after dating 3 months because I wanted to make sure he was an ideal future husband and a safe influence for her. I limited the number of dates per week and even set a curfew for our dates to prevent compromising situations. It was important to follow biblical standards to show my daughter (who was then 7) how to responsibly date the godly way.

Dating as a single parent can be an awesome learning experience with God. Take time to enjoy and trust God as He leads your life, and have fun dating God’s way!
 

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Single Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways Marriage Mentors Can Change Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do"

parents meeting girlfriend of their son at home

When I went to Christ for the Nations Institute, a Bible college based in Dallas, Texas, we heard a lot about mentors, or spiritual parents. One amazing man shared about a time that his spiritual father rebuked him for the way he spoke sharply to his exhausted, pregnant wife. I personally longed for a man of God to be a father to me as I answered the pastoral call on my life.
Mentoring is essentially discipleship.
Mentors serve so many purposes in our lives. Some may be there for life, other times a mentor is there for a specific reason or season. Whatever the purpose or length of time may be, mentors have forever changed our marriage by investing in us.
Once, in Bible college an older couple pulled Sarah and I aside and told us that they believed they had heard from the Lord about us. They then began to unpack half an hour’s worth of encouragement and prophetic words that helped pave the way for where we are heading, even today!
One of the most powerful times a couple mentored us was when we were preparing for our time on the mission field. We spent a week with this couple as they worked with us in experiencing areas of healing from old wounds, hearing God’s voice, and re-committing to ourselves to one another.
The Gifts Mentors Give
Mentors in any season are truly a gift from God, but as a dating couple, these mentors can be indispensable.
Here are three ways marriage mentors can produce life in your marriage before you’re married.
 
1.  They’ve been where you’re going. Mentors have experienced what you have or will experience, and they can help you avoid mistakes they made. One day, when my wife and I were “in talks” to have a relationship, we had a big fight. I stormed off and walked three miles to the house of an older couple that we knew and loved. When I told this couple about our fight, the husband, Bill, told me, “Daniel, I don’t know what to tell you. But Carlene and I have had our ‘spats’ too, and when we do, I talk to Jesus. Now, there’s a quiet room in the back. Go back there, pray, and listen. That’s what I do when we fight.” Funny. While he claimed to not have the answers, he gave me the answer. To this day, if Sarah and I have disagreements, I don’t go to people, I go to Christ. What a legacy this man left for me!
 2.  They can see what you can’t. Mentors have the privilege of objectivity. Mentors can look at your relationship without any bias. They can direct you when you’re lost, correct you when you’re wrong, and inspect you when you’re confused.
 3.  They give you something to strive for. Sarah and I have had some marriage mentors for life, and some for short seasons. No matter how long we have them pouring life into our marriage, we see a portrait of a beautiful marriage that we long to resemble, some day. These Godly men have modeled gentleness and delight toward their wives in front of me. These gracious wives have modeled patience and faith toward their husbands in front of my wife.
Because of the examples of Godly mentors in our dating season, we had a goal to aim for.
Oh, that we would distance ourselves from the selfie-obsession of our generation! May we learn to value the priceless treasures of wisdom found in others! Trust me: you do have more to learn.
Do you and your significant have marriage mentors?

Categories
Home Single

Position Yourself to be Found

Two young people sitting on benches in a park and talking
There are many women that desire to be in a relationship. Yet, they are still single. The man of your prayers will not magically appear before you at the altar. You have to be willing to position yourself to be found.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
The definition of find is to discover (something or someone) without planning or trying to. The man that God has for you can’t discover you if you aren’t in position to be found. Your home isn’t a place of position, it’s more a place of comfort. Get up and get out of the house!
We are way too old to be playing the hide and seek game. If you desire a mate, allow God to position you to be found. If you’re not in the right position you will miss the opportunity to be found by your future mate.
Many times we are distracted by temporary people or even things. I often see many women posting on Facebook about their single season. Facebook posts will not put you in a better position to be found by him. You have to be in a place that shows that you’re available and even interested in dating.
That doesn’t mean be thirsty and expose yourself to men to be seen. Position yourself with dignity and class. The best posture to be found by your mate is serving the LORD. It is at the moment that you are serving God and his people you will be in right place at the right time to be found.
Don’t be afraid of rejection – it happens. When you allow God to direct your path to be positioned properly, rejection will not occur as often and you will know that the right man when he approaches you. He will be everything you prayed for and much more.
I will leave you with this… I prayed to God to send me a man of God that was on fire for him, that would love me and my children unconditionally. I prayed for a man that would pray for me and with me. I prayed about several things that I wanted in a Godly man according to the word of God.
You will know when you meet the right one because your spirit will leap with joy. I came in contact with a few people while single but my spirit didn’t leap when I interacted with them. They didn’t line up with my prayers or even the word of God. So, I kept it moving.
I continued to serve God and one day I looked up and saw the most handsome man that I’d ever seen on earth. My spirit leaped with joy and I knew it was something different about him. Well, I approached him and introduced myself. No harm in that ladies. After, that I went before the Lord and sought his counsel for my life. I needed to know if this was the one that God had for me. Sure enough God answered and said “It’s him!”
I said all that to say, be intentional about your relationship with Jesus Christ. Stay in communication with him always. The more you talk to God, he will position you so that he can bless you with the desires of your heart, according to his plan for your life. When you are positioned by God, you will be found by the right one that he purposely designed just for you.