Tag: love

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Dating/Courting Home Single

What Does Love Really Have to Do with It?

I bet your wondering what in the world can this blog post be about? What does she mean by “what does love have to do with it?”
 
Well, in a society and generation that has completely contaminated the meaning of LOVE, I thought it would be best to do some clarifying.Most people don’t have a clue what love is. They want to rush into relationships based on commonality, attraction, or a “feeling.” But, those three things literally have nothing to do with love.
We began to lose the war of the true meaning of love when people started making it into a fantasy and removing the reality.When people wanted to take the easy way out rather than learning to endure, because where there is love there is endurance.When people wanted to allow their desires to run wild instead of committing and remaining faithful, with love there is commitment.
 
You see, this awful cycle and contamination started YEARS ago, but as an agent of Christ my objective is to correct what’s been tainted.
Let’s compare Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary definition of love with the Bible’s definition of love.
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines love as “a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire; or affection and tenderness felt by lovers.”
Well, let me ask you this… What happens when those affections die down? What happens when sex isn’t enough anymore? What happens when you don’t feel loved or want to love anymore?
Here’s the problem, love can’t be narrowed down to such a simplistic feeling or desire in the moment. Let’s be honest, desires and feelings change like the wind for some people, and the truth is, love remains. This is why it can’t be considered a feeling or a desire.
The Bible defines love as a decision that is made through every situation, circumstance, obstacle, uncertainty, commitment, and overall life event.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 it says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.”
If you’re going to love someone in a relationship context, understand that love is not just a word to throw back and forth, but there are real decisions that have to be made each day in order to truly love someone.
So, what does love really have to do with it? It has EVERYTHING to do with it! After reading this post, I suggest you take some time to ask yourself, “have I contaminated the REAL meaning of LOVE?” It’s not too late to make some changes. Now that you have this information, what are you going to do with it?

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Home Marriage

5 Things You Will Learn Only AFTER Marriage

Bride and groom put their hands together on wedding bouquet

I am the queen of marriage preparation. I believe that in order to have a healthy marriage it is so important that you prepare as best as you can. As a pastor and therapist, I counseled countless people on marital issues before I got married but there are certain things that I have a clearer sense of and understanding of now that I am married.
 1. Covenant– Covenant is not something that can be taught but it has to be felt, there is something about saying “I do” that seals the deal. You can live with someone for years, but there is something about saying till death do us part that puts a sense of reverence and determination in your heart to make it work(or at least it should)
2. Bond– Scripture says a man will leave his family and cleave or be glued to his wife. The bond that is formed in marriage really is supernatural. Once again, it is something felt, it makes you want to go to the end of the world for the one you love, it makes you know and feel like you will never have to face the world again.
3.  Security- Not only is there financial security in a healthy marriage, there is emotional security. Marriage gives you someone to pour your heart to and  should be the place where you feel safe to be weak and to be strong; it helps anchor you in who you knew you were always meant to be.
4.  Joy- The joy that comes in the hard work, in laying your desires, yourself down, in choosing another person over yourself daily. While at times it is hard there is joy in living for something bigger than yourself.
5.  Commitment– Marriage is the most important commitment you will ever make. Commitment matures a person; it teaches us to not to give up,  to learn grit. and to have an ability to stick things out.
We thank God for the opportunity to love someone the way He loves the church daily! Do not see marriage as work but as joy, an opportunity to grow like Him.

Categories
Marriage

Marriage Hacks: 6 Keys to Ensure a Healthy & Happy Marriage

1) Have realistic expectations.
We know our spouse isn’t perfect, so why do we act so surprised when they give us proof they’re not perfect? We must accept there will be hard times, and some days will be less stellar than others.
Here are some reasonable expectations for your marriage:

  • We will be faithful to one another
  • We will be honest with one another.
  • We will be patient with one another.
  • We will serve one another.

2)  Focus on self-improvement, not spouse improvement.
Be the kind of spouse you’re looking to have. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How can I communicate better?
  • How can I show more respect?
  • How can I bring out the best in him/her?
  • How can I better serve him/her?

3) Get a plan for working through conflict. 
We’re all different. We all process and handle things differently. We all come in broken and we must have a plan to work through conflict to ensure a healthy God-honoring marriage. Here are some ways to handle conflict positively:

  • Assume the best. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
  • Seek first to understand, then to be understood. LISTEN! Hear what they’re meaning. Not just what they’re saying.
  • Respect your spouse’s style of processing. Give yourselves a few minutes to process, then come back. And before you re-enter the conflict, take a moment to pray for one another.
  • Be quick to say “I’m sorry”.
  • Be quick to forgive.
  • Address issues without attacking.
  • Don’t go to bed angry.

4) Follow God’s plan, not the worlds pattern.
Marriage should be a place of grace and truth. It’s not all about a huge fancy ceremony. Take the time to truly invest in maintaining your marriage.
5) Never stop growing in communication.
Be very intentional about building a culture of open, honest and respectable communication with your spouse. No matter how good you become at this, never become complacent. There’s always room for improvement.
6) Resolve that quitting is not an option!
This is the key. No matter what happens, REFUSE TO QUIT! This is the key to divorce proofing your marriage! We live in a world that’s all about the flavor of the moment and many treat marriage the same way. Realize that when you choose to stand before your spouse, you’re not only making a commitment to them, but you’re also making a covenant before God. Always honor both that commitment and that covenant.
These hacks are by no means all-encompassing; however, if you take advantage of them, your marriage will definitely benefit. I know mine has!
 
 

Categories
Marriage

What I Learned From a 70 Year Marriage

Paar Senioren pustet gemeinsam auf eine Pusteblume im Sommer

When you think marriage what’s the first word that comes to mind? I believe it’s safe to say for many the word “hard” would be their first thought. Today’s startling statistics related to divorce would certainly support the fact that marriage has been hard for many couples. No statistic is needed to see that there are few positive examples of long-lasting marriages anymore. I’ve never actually seen one for myself until recently.
Last month I had a refreshing conversation with a couple who are approaching their 70th year wedding anniversary this coming Christmas. Mr. Lawrence McElvaine still has his Christmas present since 1946, his lovely wife Mrs. Rosie McElvaine. The couple met in church when they were just teenagers at 14 and 15 years old, now both approaching 90 years old, they are still able to laugh and joke around together. When asked, does the romance have to die?” Their daughter quickly interjected, “NO, they are still lovie dovie.”  
Technically still being a newlywed myself, I was excited to pry and figure out their secret sauce. How is it that this couple is still able to stay together and have fun after 70 years, when couples are getting divorced every 10 to 13 seconds (by the time you finish reading this post, at least 10 couples have divorced)? I was expecting some deep and surprising answers as I inquired about their journey but the McElvaines responses were quite simple, yet profound. What I learned was that:
1.Marriage doesn’t have to be hard: The ingredients for a successful marriage is simply two compatible people. “Marriage isn’t hard, the hardest part is finding the right person to marry,” Mr. McElvaine said. Simple but it makes a lot of sense, right? Of course there will be challenges but if you’re with the right person you’ll be able to get through them. Divorce was never a thought for the McElvaines. Even through the hardest season of their marriage, Rosie spent her time in prayer. She didn’t complain or contemplate divorce but she cast her cares on the Lord.
I don’t believe society today takes marriage as serious as it really is. Are we thinking through the decision on who we marry as thoroughly as we should? Or do most ignore the red flags? Do we take into account the consequences of what being unequally yoked with someone would really be like?
2.God’s way still works. As much as I love the idea of change, growth, and individualism, God’s design for marriage is key to a successful marriage. The McElvaine’s may appear traditional to some but the truth is that they simply followed God’s order. Seeing that God’s word is eternal they couldn’t go wrong. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?
Both Lawrence and Rosie served their homes in the way God recommends through scripture. Lawrence was proud to say he was able to financially provide and support his home and family. His wife Rosie enjoyed being a stay-at-home wife and mother. She managed the home and sought after their needs. Rosie reminded me in many ways of the Proverbs 31 woman. She loves God, is praised by her husband and children and she managed her home successfully.
3. Have fun. The overall theme throughout my interview with the McElvaines was to have fun. There were several times Mr. McElvaine would say, “we had fun together.”
 
After leaving their home I had an enlightened perspective of marriage as a ministry. I was encouraged and motivated to serve my family, plus have more fun with my husband.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

2 Reasons Why Loving Someone is Hard, But Worth It

Black couple sitting on couch smiling

The great Nelson Mandela stated in one of his most noteworthy quotes, “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
Just because a person has the capacity to love doesn’t mean they have been taught how to do it. It’s very sad to see the rise of dysfunction and unhealthiness in relationships. The reason may very well be that many have not been taught how to love, to adequately love a person the way they deserve. Or, it could be simply that love is hard.
Then that brings us to the question, “What does love look like to you?” In what ways do you express love to others, and in what ways do you receive love. For me, love at its highest state, is expressed through relentless commitment.
Considering God is love, the one promise I know I can depend on is that He will never leave me for He is faithfully committed to me because he loves me. Now granted there are many other ways for love to be expressed from giving, physical intimacy, quality time spent, and many more.
And, that I believe is what makes love so challenging.
That we all give and receive love differently. I would like to present 2 reasons why I believe love is hard, but worth it.
1. It reveals your flaws.
No one wants to accept that they have issues. Even in job interviews one of the most popular questions is, “What are your strengths and weaknesses”? It never fails that we make our weaknesses still sound like strengths. Its just a challenge to be honest about our flaws. Well, this is one thing that makes love hard is that it reveals where we are lacking. My wife, who knows me better than anyone, has seen me at my best and my worse. Through the journey of loving her, she has also has seen a lot of my flaws. When you learn to accept someone for their flaws is when love becomes worth it.
2. It requires all of you.
When you came out of your mother’s womb the first thing you did was cry. That cry is because you are kick starting lungs because you need air, but you also are crying for food from your mom. This shows that our first initial reaction to this life is wanting from others. But, as you mature you will learn that love requires you to give of yourself to others. To turn off your wants and put your significant other before yourself. This becomes beautiful when two people both make it their highest goal to put the other before themselves. This is when love becomes a joy versus a burden.
Yes, love is hard, but when you begin to allow your significant other into the places no one else has access to which is your flaws, then the level of trust will cause the love to explode between you.

Categories
Communication Marriage

The One Word that Will Keep Pride Out of Your Marriage

couple sitting in the sand and talking on beach
A few weeks ago the Holy Spirit whispered to me “ I want you to be more vulnerable”.
When I heard the word “vulnerable” I immediately thought that I was the poster child when it comes to being vulnerable, especially when it comes to my marriage. I am naturally a “feeler” and enjoy having heart to heart conversations with friends and family. As I began to allow the word from the Lord to rest upon my heart I began to see areas within my marriage in which I have neglected to allow my husband access to, which comes from being misunderstood or rejected.
To be vulnerable is to be : “open to attack or damage, being susceptible to be emotionally wounded, exposure”. What a powerful definition! When I read it for the first time, I was immediately humbled and began to measure the definition to my current life and relationship with my husband.
When you get married you become one with your spouse. Everything that you have is his and everything he has is yours. When you say “I do” I believe that in that moment the Lord knits both of your hearts together along with His to create a powerful team that is unstoppable when they allow themselves to be vulnerable with one another. You may ask how can I be vulnerable with my spouse?
 
Share your deepest dreams and desires with your spouse, allow him into your world.. the good, bad and the ugly. Yes, you see your husband or wife everyday and have conversations about life on a regular basis, but the tone of the conversations are usually surface and ritualistic. I still hear the Holy Spirit whisper to me “share more, he needs to hear your heart”  as I share with my husband an emotional or hard truth that may be taking place in my life. When I obey, I see how our conversation turns from surface to purpose and I begin to see his heart open up and receive me in a whole new way.
Don’t be afraid to be the real you. When you are who God created you to be and you choose to involve him in every area of your life and marriage. You will not be afraid, because you know that whatever you share, that God is involved and that when you and your husband choose to allow Him to be the foundation of all that you say and do, being vulnerable will be a regular and enjoyable practice. Watch how your marriage becomes more enriched as you choose to allow your spouse to visit the most deepest parts of your heart, dreams and desires.

Categories
Communication Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

How to Love and Bless Your Mate On Purpose

Couple looking into each others eyes while smiling

Everyone wants an awesome marriage that glorifies God and shows the depths of His love and grace. Marriage is a true gift and an amazing blessing from God. Yet, sometimes life gets busy where the gift of marriage is not always cherished by couples the way that God intended. Being married for 8 years to a wonderful husband, I have learned that keeping Jesus at the center of our marriage helps us to continue to love and bless each other on purpose as we grow together in love.
Couples should live in marriage to love and bless each other with their words and actions. The atmosphere of any Christian marriage should be based the demonstration of agape love. Agape love, when shown continually, brings life into relationships. On the other hand, couples that spend time saying or doing hurtful things to one another, create an atmosphere that cultivates the demise of their relationship.
Love and intimacy in a marriage helps to build long lasting friendship and intimacy. When couples love and live according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 on a consistent basis, life-long marital bliss will be their portion. Intimacy can be described as familiarity, closeness, understanding, confidence, caring, tenderness, affection, a close relationship, quiet atmosphere, or private utterance or action. Couples that love each other and seek to be a blessing to each other as genuine friends and enjoy intimate times, will experience the increase and overflow of God’s love in their marriage (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10; 1 Thessalonians 3:12).
There should be everyday occurrences where couples long to love and bless one another out loud. Loving and blessing on purpose will help couples maintain a powerful marriage that is a testament to God’s love for the world to see. Examples of how couples can love and bless each other on purpose would be:

  • Smiling and laughing together daily.
  • Kissing, hugging, and embracing each other regularly.
  • Showing kindness in interactions with each other.
  • Going to church and pray with one another regularly.
  • Having dates and time alone together each month.
  • Listening to one another and communicate with each other.
  • Always seeking to promote forgiveness and understanding in the marriage (Ephesians 4:32).
  • Never going to bed mad at each other.
  • Saying, “I love you” often.

Husbands and wives that love and bless each other on purpose operate in powerful love and exhibit Christ-like character, where loving each other deeply is above anything (1 Peter 4:8). Loving one another selflessly, showing affection, working together, and honoring one another will help defeat the enemy at any attempt to bring division in your marriage. Loving and blessing each other on purpose will strengthen your marriage daily, uniting each other as a powerful team for the Lord.
 
 
 
 

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Home

Don't Forget to LOVE Yourself

Authors: Culus Williams & Calandra Thompson
Many of us have different roles that we carry out everyday. We feel like there aren’t enough hours in a day to complete our tasks.  If you have too much on your plate, it may be  time to sit down and prioritize what’s most important to you.
Evaluate what you’re giving out each day and then find a healthy balance between your personal and business life. Just in case you didn’t know there is separation between the two. Often times we put them together but they don’t go together.
God wants us to love ourselves and enjoy life. That doesn’t mean become a lover of yourself. It does mean love yourself so that you’re healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually. If you give out all the time and don’t find the time to LOVE YOU, you will find yourself running on empty.
Just like a car needs gas, you too need to be filled up. Give yourself the gift of time – spend time just relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath, read a novel, watch a movie, go skating, go exercise, hang out with friends or family, go dancing, get a mani/pedi, etc. Do something that you love and that relaxes your mind.
Love yourself like you want to be loved. Love yourself first so that others can receive the joyful side of you. If you are empty, the love that you give will be empty. Empty love isn’t genuine and is often forced because we feel we have to do it. Fill yourself up, so you can genuinely give love and be able to receive love.
No one wants to be around a grumpy person. Take some time away from the busy schedule and LOVE YOURSELF.
 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

Remember Who Your Real Enemy Is

Serious couple talking in home interior. Focus on woman
I can’t tell you how many times these simple words have prevented my wife and I from getting into huge fights. This phrase is derived from the “Hunger Games” movie series, which my wife and I are huge fans! Without going into too many details, (in case some of you may not have watched the movies yet), I want to share a profound thought that I believe will truly bless you as you are solidifying the foundation of who you will be as a spouse. Whether you are single, engaged, or newly wed, this idea can transform the whole way you view disagreements with your significant other.
The point of the games is to kill all of the other participants without getting killed by the dangerous environment that surrounds you and just before beginning her second round in the Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen, main character of the story, gets a bit of sound advice from her coach. He tells her, “remember who your real enemy is“. Her coach was communicating to her that no matter how great the opposition may feel at times while in that arena, her real enemy was the reason they were all in there fighting to the death in the first place. They go on to form an intricate plan on how to be successful by coming together and using each of their strengths to defeat the game-makers once and for all.
It doesn’t take very long before plans begin to change, obstacles begin to present themselves from all angles, and the team is in for the fight of their lives. Now, faced with the decision of her life, Katniss  has to decide between following her instincts and eliminating all opposition or trusting the plan and following through with her teammates. And just before she is about to send an arrow through the heart of one of her teammates, he yells to her, “REMEMBER WHO THE REAL ENEMY IS!” It is at that moment that she stops, contemplates for a while, and then carries out the plan, trusting her teammates, temporarily defeating the enemy.
This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks when I first heard it. We all have a real enemy and the Bible teaches us that he’s on the prowl looking for any crack in the foundations of our marriage so that he can slip in and tear us apart. Now, every time we begin to have a disagreement, no matter how large things may flare up in the moment, like Katniss, I stop, think before I speak, and remind my self to “Remember who your real enemy is”.
At no point is my lovely bride ever my enemy! Even when the devil tries to twist her words and use our insecurities to drive a wedge between us, she is my life mate and I’m committed to loving her and living our forever together. It doesn’t keep us from having disagreements, but it does keep us from getting distracted by the enemy’s attacks and attempts to force us to turn on one another.
These words have forever changed the way my wife and I have disagreements and I truly believe whether you’re married or plan to get married someday, keeping this simple yet profound statement in your utility tool belt will help you kick the voice of satan to the curb for good by identifying him as the real enemy.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

Five Common Challenges of Young Marrieds

Whether you’ve been married five years or five minutes, maybe you’ve been noticing a few changes in your new life. Like how you don’t know how you feel about animated movies anymore (I still remember my wife’s face when I wanted to rent Despicable Me. Before we had kids.), or what kind of music “married folks” are supposed to like. I get it, and so do many, many, others.

Young married couples commonly feel like the “odd ones out.” It can sometimes feel like awkward adolescence all over again. Here are five common challenges of young marrieds. See how many you can relate to.

1. Friendships are very different. If you’re recently married and your best friends aren’t yet, there’s a definite change in your interactions. By no fault of their own, they’re not in your world yet. They don’t have to make decisions that will affect their families in the capacity that you do. You may remain extremely close, but there’s no denying that there’s another best friend in your life: your spouse. For this very reason, new marrieds are often extremely hungry to find couple friends. It’s not easy, but they’re out there. Put yourselves out there and amazing friendships are waiting for you and your spouse.

2. You have a hard time knowing where you fit within society. I can remember feeling extremely out of place when we first got married. Do I go to the men’s class or do we go to the young adults class? Do we eat with the young people or the “adults” during Thanksgiving dinner? As a young, inexperienced, fresh-faced husband, I didn’t quite feel like a man, yet I was no longer a boy. Accept that you’re adults now. Glean from other older married couples. Be patient with the transition.

3. You still miss your mama—a lot. The truth is, you probably miss everything about your childhood. It’s pretty normal to actually feel homesick as a newlywed couple. Give yourself time. You’re building a brand new family with a brand new flavor and a brand new culture. The good news is that you get to create the new culture of your brand new family! So whether your childhood was good or bad, you and your spouse get to start something fresh.

4. Sometimes you feel like you’re making it up as you go. The books and premarital counseling really helped, but this is no dress rehearsal, this is it! You’re on! Your wife cries, guess who has to be her support? You! Your husband feels like a failure. Who has to be the one to build him up? You guessed it: you. And that can be scary, can’t it? I don’t know anyone who begins marriage as an expert. Marriage is a journey. Why do you think thousands upon thousands of books have been written about marriage? Because marriage is a massive mountain that has taken many couples many, many years to scale. Keep your foundation on Christ, with a devotion to one another and you will see the fog begin to clear in your marriage journey.

5. You’re actually pretty scared. The future is so uncertain and many young couples don’t commit to marriage because of the fear of the unknown.  Like Joyce Meyer says, “Do it afraid.” Marriage is a very courageous endeavor. You know why? Because you’re loving In the dark. There’s no illuminated pathway. Your journey will be different than others. You’ll have challenges unique to your marriage, but remember: He has overcome the world. Love one another. Go all in. You’re writing a beautiful story together.