Tag: engaged

Categories
Engaged Home Marriage

5 Things to Do While Engaged

I love you. Amazed surprised positive African American couple sitting in the cafe and being covered with a blanket while getting engaged

The average wedding in the United States cost $26,720.
Whether single or engaged we all have thought about what our big day will look like.
Love is beautiful, especially when you fall in love with the right mate that God has created for you. But the reality of marriage, is that it takes work to stay married.
My husband and I, married on March 11, 2017. We were excited about our BIG DAY. But we wanted our marriage to be more beautiful than our wedding day. To be honest, our wedding day flew by so fast. I woke up the next morning wanting a redo. Then, I thought for a minute – maybe not. It was a lot of work.
I said all that to say, don’t allow that day to become your main focal point that you miss the reason that God has joined you together. Don’t rush through the engagement season. There are some things that God needs to impart into your life, so that you make it to the altar. God just doesn’t want us to make it the altar and then we fail at staying married. Marriage is not just about surviving, but God wants us to thrive.
Life is going to become hectic with the wedding planning, but I want to encourage you to stay focused on the promises of God. I also, want you to enjoy your engagement season!
Here are 5 Things to Do While Engaged:

  1. Pre-martial Counseling. Don’t miss this step. PLEASE! This is necessary to help you improve your relationship before you get married. Topics will be discussed that you probably hadn’t put too much thought into before.
  2. Connection with other Married Couples. You need this. Spend time with other seasoned couples and allow them to share their truth about marriage. Hopefully, you partner with a couple that will be transparent about the good times and even the bad times that marriage can bring.
  3. Praying Together = Staying Together. Pray like never before. The enemy is going to attack you in this season. He doesn’t want to see you make it to the altar. Pray that God protect you from dangers seen and unseen and that he continue to keep a hedge of protection around your relationship. In Jesus name, Amen!
  4. Don’t Forget to Worship. Public worship is the best. Coming together on one accord to worship God is an awesome feeling. It brings you and your significant other closer together. Their love for God is what probably brought you two together in the first place.
  5. Spend Quality Time Together. Stay connected even though you may be excited about the BIG DAY ahead. Continue to court each other. Make sure you have Date Night in the midst of all the planning.

There was a reason that I shared the cost of the wedding at the beginning of this blog post. I don’t want to see you value you your wedding day, more than you value your marriage. Marriage can and will be beautiful when you put in the work to stay married.
 

Categories
Engaged Marriage

2 Conversations You Should Have With Family & Friends Before You Get Married

Japanese and black friends drinking coffee in kitchen

Genesis 2:24, which states that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” was often a topic of discussion in my premarital course. Our mentor couple did a wonderful job of explaining to us that in this context leaving your father and mother, also represents leaving your friends or other love ones that might tempt you to put their needs before your spouse’s. After him, God intended for your spouse to be your number one priority. Having these two conversations with your family and friends will help you with honoring your spouse’s rank:
1. Parents
You will want to be honest with your parents about what role you want them to play in your new family unit. The discussions with parents should center around your expectations of them in supporting your new marriage journey and their expectations of your role in their family. Ask your parents to be supportive of your marriage, pray for you and your spouse, and for them to be available when counsel or advice is needed. It may also be necessary to remind your parents that God calls us to cleave to our spouse. It is important that your actions start to reflect the behavior of leaving and cleaving. When your parents see you tending to your partner before you tend to them, they will witness your commitment to your spouse. As a final touch to this conversation, your parents will appreciate you asking what expectations they have of you and your spouse in joining their larger family unit. This question might invite conversations about family holidays and frequency of visits. 
 2. Friends
Relationships with friends naturally alter once you get married. Similarly with your parents, obligations with your spouse may prevent you from devoting as much time to your friends. One part of this conversation should explain that your spouse and starting your own family unit is now your main priority. Be sure to communicate that this new commitment will require more of your time and focus. Make it clear that their friendship is still important to you and you will continue to work to maintain it. The second part of this conversation should include you inviting your friend to become an accountability buddy. Ask your friend to check in on you to make sure you are being a Christian spouse and to assist you with refraining from behaviors that could compromise your character. This will give your friend a new opportunity to be involved in your life and you will benefit from having someone to hold you accountable for your actions.
 
Author note:
Brooke Fitzpatrick is devoted to empowering young couples about the beauty of marriage. She is happily married to her husband, Jared and the experiences of her marriage adventure have provided her with a wealth of knowledge to share with others as they embark on their marriage journey. You can vconnect with her via theauthenticbride@gmail.com. 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Married with Expectations

Unhappy couple at therapy session in therapists office

Many of us have expectations of what desire to see in a mate. Often our expectations are based on past experiences whether good or bad. Case in point, when I got engaged to my now husband, I had a long list of expectations for him. It was during premarital counseling that our pastor helped me too see that I hadn’t healed from past experiences.
After going through counseling, I realized that my expectations of my husband were ridiculous. I had to go back and remember the promise that God had spoken over my life. God told me before we started dating that he was my husband.
During our last premarital session, my pastor asked me what my expectations of my future husband were. I responded, “To love me like Christ loves the church.” Ephesians 5:25 At that moment all my walls came tumbling down, knowing that God wouldn’t bless me with a man that would intentionally harm me.  I also knew, that God wouldn’t give me a man that resembled anything like the men I had chosen before.
If I had kept my long list of expectations that I had before we got married, our marriage would be struggling to thrive. There are days that I still have to check myself so that I’m not expecting my husband to be like anyone else but the man that God has called him to be.
If you have a long list of expectations of your fiancé or husband, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  1. How did God manifest your courtship?
  2. How has God worked in your relationship prior to marriage?
  3. What obstacles or challenges have you overcome together?
  4. Why did you make the conscious decision to marry your spouse?

It’s okay to have standards for your mate but it’s not okay to have expectations of your mate. Your expectations can hinder your marriage from being purpose filled. If my husband had not met my standards, I wouldn’t have even dated him. He met my standards and actually exceeded them.
Expectations can become a burden in your marriage because you are expecting your spouse to act or respond in a certain way. It’s not fair to the person to set expectations on them. If they don’t meet your expectations you began view them in a negative light.
Your spouse isn’t a mind reader, so don’t expect them to know what you are thinking or even desire from them. Always remember that you are two imperfect people and you are not the same. There are going to be some imperfections displayed in the both of you. Don’t let that overpower that greatness that God has brought together. At the end of the day know that we serve a perfect God.
Throw the ungodly  expectations out the door and allow your marriage to thrive beyond what you could ever imagine.
I want to know your thoughts on this subject….Leave a comment below.

Categories
Dating/Courting Marriage Single

I Called My Wedding Off: 4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Determine If He's the One-Part 2

355722

Welcome to Part II of “Is He The One? 4 Questions To Ask Yourself”. If you missed Part I, read it here
3. Will he wait for you?
 
Ephesians 5:27, “He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. Sisters, lemme just tell ya! Closing your legs will weed ’em out faster than a cat can lick its rear end! #peaceout A man who’s willing to deny his flesh to honor you and God, is a very special man. True love, as found in John 3:16, is sacrificial. It requires giving something up. Sacrificing the pleasure of his flesh, may be an indication he desires a future beyond the bed with you. More importantly, he may just be a man like King David, after God’s heart.
 
 4. Is God orchestrating the relationship or are you?
 
I tried to “help” God in past relationships. For example, I shacked with a man for 3 years! God wasn’t moving fast enough! I took matters into my own hands and allowed him to move in with me. I believed it was the only option if we were to ever be together. Seven years later, I was living in Colorado. Chris lived in Alabama. How in the world was this going to work? We were 1394 miles (20 hours) apart! I vowed to God I would stay out of it! If Chris was to be my husband, He would open all the doors for us. Oftentimes, we don’t see God moving in our lives because we’re too busy making things happen ourselves.
A month after Chris and I met, we hopped on a plane to St. Louis and ate lunch at Sweetie Pie’s. On our way back home, the same day, there had been some delays at the airport. As a result, the airline was seeking volunteers to give up their seats. Needless to say, we volunteered. Long story short, both of us received a $1000 voucher. Interestingly enough, I was heading back to Colorado in a few days. Neither of us knew what was next. When would we see each other again? Our gracious Father opened the door for us to see each other, on Him!! We flew to a different city every month until we were married. Chris spent the last of his voucher when he flew to Denver to drive me back to Alabama to be his wife. Ladies, ladies, ladies… If it’s meant to be, it’ll flow. You won’t be required to chase him. In fact, you won’t have to do anything. God will send him to chase you!!
I’m not a relationship counselor, nor do I profess to be. I’m simply sharing from my own experiences, praying that it blesses you. That it encourages and inspires you to date God’s way. It’s worth the wait.

Tiffany Phillips is a southern girl, residing in Sweet Home Alabama. She’s a Christian, wife (married to the most amazing man, Chris), health and fitness enthusiast, and blogger who is eager to share what God has placed on her heart. Visit Tiffany over at her blog teawithtiffanyp.com
Why Tea With Tiffany P? Because she’s spilling all the tea! 

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

I Called My Wedding Off: 4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Determine If He's the One-Part 1

355722

I called my wedding off. It was two months prior to my big day. The date had been set, bridesmaids chosen, venue booked, and wedding dress ordered but… I just couldn’t do it. I’d dated this man for years. It made sense that the next step would be marriage but I had doubts. I knew something was missing but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. After a brief (11 months), courtship with my now husband, I couldn’t help but consider what was so different this time around. How is it that I could date one man for years, have doubts? Date another man for 11 months and have zero doubts?
Perhaps you’re like me. You’ve been dating a man for years but deep down in your soul you know, this can’t be it. You know he’s not the one but you’re comfortable. Change is scary. You have so much history. “Why rock the boat?” You’re slowly warming up to the idea of settling. You begin to reason with yourself. “It’ll get better after marriage.”
I knew what “wrong” felt like. It was marked by uneasiness. In my gut, I knew something was missing. At the time, I didn’t know what “right” felt like. After meeting my amazing husband, the pieces of the puzzles became extremely clear. I can confidently say, you know when it’s wrong, and you know when it’s right. If you haven’t reached a place of certainty, perhaps you need to pump the brakes. You may discover, just as I did, God’s perfect mate for you.
So, is he the one? I can’t answer that. Only you and God can. However, what I can offer, are thought provoking questions to consider. After answering these questions, it may become evident, or it may not. Either way, go to the Father. Just like any loving Father, He adores you. He loves it when you run to Him for help.
 1. Does he know God or “know of “Him?
John 2:3, “And we can be sure that we know him if we obey his commandments.” To know God is to obey Him. There are many temptations in life. If a man truly knows God, he’ll be more inclined to do right by you. He won’t leave you guessing. He won’t play games with your heart. You’ll never be able to watch a man 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your presence is limited; however, God is omnipresent. He’s everywhere at the same time. Knowing your potential mate is being held accountable to God brings a level of comfort. I’m not saying this man will be perfect, because he won’t. You and I aren’t either. I’m simply saying, obedience to God doesn’t lead to sin.
 
 
 2. Does he pray with you?
James 5:16, “…The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” I was 33 years old and had been engaged twice before I ever had a man (outside of deacons or pastors) pray aloud with me. I was in relationships where I was told prayer was taking place but I never saw it. I won’t say they didn’t do it. I can only attest to what I saw.
I was on the phone with Chris, who wasn’t my husband at the time, for the very first time. Prior to hanging up the phone, he asked, “Can I pray with you?” “Wayment! What?! I was taken aback. Like alllllllll the way back! When he prayed, although my eyes were closed, I observed the ease of the words flowing from his mouth. Prayer wasn’t something he learned before he called me that night. He was comfortable. His tone was relaxed. He’d been there, at God’s feet, before. It was comforting to know he had a prayer life. That he knew the importance of prayer. That I could count on him to pray for me. That he knew how to communicate with God.
I truly hope you’ve enjoyed reading thus far. Stay tuned for Part II where the last two questions will be revealed. In the meantime, we’d love to hear from you. Do you think the first two questions are important in determining if he’s the one?
 

 
Tiffany Phillips is a southern girl, residing in Sweet Home Alabama. She’s a Christian, wife (married to the most amazing man, Chris), health and fitness enthusiast, and blogger who is eager to share what God has placed on her heart. Visit Tiffany over at her blog teawithtiffanyp.com
Why Tea With Tiffany P? Because she’s spilling all the tea! 

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Holy Suicide-Are You Really Ready For Marriage?

Rear view of a vintage car with just married sign and cans attached

Marriage-it’s a beautiful thing, but often it becomes an overemphasized reality to many particularly when it comes to exploring the purpose in which it is intended. We hear mini-series, webinars, and bullet-point presentations on the best ways to attract, prepare, and even pray concerning our future spouses; however, once the preparation has ended, I beg to ask the question, are you really ready to die?
 
Die? Woah! Things just took an extreme turn, but stay with me.
Yes, marriage is the sacred joining together of two individuals in which love, commitment, faithfulness, loyalty, submission, and fidelity are interwoven around the Lordship of Christ. All of these things fuel the union that is both symbolic of Christ’s relationship with the church and His unrelenting devotion to keep this relationship upheld. But how relentless was Christ in showing his love? How do we know what love is?
 
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. – 1 John 3:16
 
Jesus laid down his life on our behalf. He offered Himself up through the act of “laying down,” i.e. dying on our behalf. One death and one resurrection laid the foundation for us to live a life of constant adoration and reverence to the Father.  This death showed us what love is. This death showed us the intense passion and pursuit that drove the Father in His pursuit of having lifetime union with us. This death, the decision to give our livelihood for another, is the template by which marriage is built.
 
When you stand at the altar and repeat “I Do,” you are not just simply agreeing to the terms of eternal bliss, constant devotion, and unconditional regard as a means to the end. The means to the end is dying enough to yourself, so that your partner gets to live. Christ didn’t just die to stay dead, but He ended up living as a result of the decision and gave us the opportunity to live, too. So, it is the same for marriage.
 
When you decide to die to your selfish ways, your partner gets to live in kindness. When your spouse decides to die to pessimism, you reap the benefits of confidence and hopefulness. When you decide to die to your prideful ambitions, your partner gets to abide in humble outcomes. When your partner decides to die to unforgiveness and harboring resentment, you get the thrill of being tossed in the throes of mercy and immunity from your own short-comings and character insufficiencies.
 
All in all, when you both make the decision to die to the parts of you that don’t resemble the nature of Christ,  you get to encounter the process of transformation that ultimately draws you both closer to that very nature itself. Dying to self to look like Christ. Dying to self for your spouse to be like Christ. Dying to selves to glorify Christ. All of these are the genesis of what marriage was constructed to be.  
 
You see, the beauty of marriage is the intention behind it—the sanctification that draws us to look more like Christ. It’s so much bigger than being with someone that looks good, brings you joy, loves you completely, and draws you closer to Christ. While these things are evident, they are not the conclusion of the matter.  Marriage in and of itself is being joined with the one used in the hands of Christ to cause the parts of you that don’t resemble him—to die. What makes it beautiful is that you get to do the same with your spouse and the love of Christ that makes this all possible is put on display to ultimately bring glory to Him.
 
I know that you thought marriage was going to be a conglomerate of happiness, bliss, joy, hard times, disagreements, and endurance. But let’s add the part that few like to discuss—the never-ending process of sanctification. Again, the joy of marriage is found in the intention for which it was built.  So, whether you’re married and things seem too difficult or you’re single and the thought of marriage has become too sought after, ask yourself, “Is (or am I ready for) this holy suicide making me look like Him?”  If the answer is yes—you’re not only equipped, but you’re well ready.
 
Take Heed and Live Free,
Chelle
 

Richelle is a Christian, Speaker, Author, Counselor and lives in Orlando, Florida. She has a heart for all things Jesus and loving on people! She believes that where there is brokenness, there is beauty and where there is heartbreak, there is hope! She is passionate in pursuing individuals who feel distraught, lost, and hopeless and desire that they, along with others who have not experienced the fullness of the Father’s love, will find themselves completely restored in it! 

She is the Founder and Executive Editor of Show Those Scars, an organization that promotes transparency and honesty to bring healing and wholeness in Christ.  Her passions include counseling, writing, hanging out with friends & family, and cooking! More of her works can be found on her website,  www.showthosescars.com  

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

Am I Ready to Get Married?

One of the most infamous questions you will ever get as a married person is– “How did you know they were the one?” Albeit, there are different answers pending on whom you ask, but here are a few ways to calm your wedding jitters.
If you are waiting for your flawless Prince Charming to show up, you will be waiting forever. When it comes to a potential spouse, there will never be a perfect person. If you can agree on the things that matter most to you: faith, morals, values, goals, etc. – you can learn to love anybody. The person you marry today will be a very different person 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years from now. It’s a matter of commitment. Love is more than just a feeling, it’s a daily choice.
 
So you said yes, you’ve started wedding planning and have that beautiful ring on your finger. All of a sudden, you begin to question:
Am I ready for this?
Let me start by saying – before you can be ready for marriage, you have to be comfortable by yourself. No relationship is going to fill the voids you find in your individual life – they may provide a temporary fix, but in the end you will still feel empty. You can’t allow your life’s happiness to be placed in the hands or the control of another human being. Find your identity, purpose, your SELF, and the right relationship will come in time.
No one can really prepare you for marriage because everyone’s marriage looks different. However, there are great resources like premarital counseling that can help the two of you figure out each other’s perspectives, habits, and personalities. In addition to premarital counseling, my husband and I went through the book “101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged” which really gave us insight into a lot of different areas we would not have thought to consider. It forced us to think about different scenarios or situations before they became an issue. There are plenty of additional premarital books out there if you choose to go through one with your fiancé.
Is this really what I want?
Only you can decide this. This will be your future – not your parent’s, pastor’s, friend’s, etc. It’s OKAY to not want to be married yet, and it’s okay if you do! Everyone’s timeline is different. Be honest with yourself and trust your gut. If you don’t feel at peace about it, seek counsel from someone you know that can bring you wisdom and perspective to help decipher between nerves and legitimate concerns.
Am I too young?
I am a firm believer that age does not qualify you as “ready” for marriage. My husband and I got married at 22 and are in some ways more mature than other friends that married much later in life. Your age does not determine whether your marriage will succeed or fail, rather the mindset and commitment you bring to the relationship. It is possible to be too immature to be married, but in many ways marriage forces you to grow up and take on more adult responsibilities as you learn to navigate life with another person, flaws and all.
What if I change my mind?
Regardless of the potential embarrassment you may feel, it is OKAY to call off a wedding. Personally, I would rather call off my wedding and feel embarrassed for a season instead of finding myself in a horrible marriage for the rest of my life. My dad always told me – even the day of our wedding before walking down the aisle – if you don’t want to do this, we can turn back now. Hopefully you have resolved before you get to the church doors, but don’t ever allow yourself to be trapped in a relationship you know is not right.
Every person has their flaws, weaknesses, baggage, but choosing to love them through it takes real commitment. Marriage is selfless. It’s about learning to love and put someone else’s needs before your own. It’s compromising on the restaurant you wanted to go to in order to make the other happy for dinner.  It’s learning how to communicate and how to resolve conflicts quicker. It’s sending a text message letting them know how much you appreciate them and you’re sorry for being dramatic by arguing about something so small this morning.
Marriage is work. But if both parties are willing to put the time and effort in to cultivate the marriage you both desire, I promise it will be one of the most beautiful and fulfilling journeys you ever step foot on.

Categories
Engaged Home

3 Reasons to Seek Counseling: Before You Say “I Do”

274622

Categories
Engaged

Why I Would Never Get Married Without Pre-Marital Counseling

398611

In today’s society, it seems premarital counseling is often replaced with a “trial run” as couples are choosing to cohabit more and are pushing marriage off.  With couples getting married later or for those that do not have a strong faith connection, many feel they know what they need to know and are okay with bypassing counseling. However, here are some values of premarital counseling you may want to consider:
 
Pre-marital counseling helps to identify potential problem areas in your relationship.
I don’t care how healthy your relationship is, EVERYONE has something they could work on. Whether it is differing views on managing money, or how each of you prefers to handle conflict, counseling is a good way to help identify those areas of improvement. As a third party, a counselor or mentor brings an objective perspective to the equation as they point out or recognize things about your relationship that may be blinded to the both of you. Counselors also help shed light on relationship issues without one getting offended by the other.
 
Pre-marital counseling brings up situations you would not think to discuss BEFORE they are an issue.
My husband and I went through the book 101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged, and I was amazed at how much we benefited from the process! The questions focused on everything from kids, finances, marriage expectations, role definitions, life-shaping experiences, holidays, etc. It forced us to face potential relationship disagreements BEFORE they occurred.  Here are a few examples –
What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult?
What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? What have you done to address these concerns?
Describe how you were disciplined as a child. If you have children, how will your discipline be the same and how will it be different than you experienced?
What have you learned from your previous relationships that will make you a better partner for someone at this time?
Counseling also helps to instill realistic expectations once the wedding is over.
 
What do you have to lose?
What’s the worst that can happen – you call the wedding off? I would consider that a win versus a lifetime of unhappiness because you didn’t face the challenges of your relationship head on. Counseling will help force communication between future spouses and encourage you to start working as a team before you are united as one. Think of this as the vision board of your marriage – it’s your opportunity to draw the blueprint – what your dreams are, where you want to go, what you want to build, etc. If anything, it will also be a good opportunity to take a step away from the wedding planning and focus on the two of you (which is what this whole wedding thing is about, right?)
Married and Young believes in this so much that they have created a BRAND NEW program for seriously dating and engaged couples called, “Me & You Forever”.
If you are interested and would like to sign up for the waiting list, then click here. 
 
Don’t let wedding planning inhibit your investment into your relationship and future together. I PROMISE you WON’T regret it!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged

How to Remain Celibate While Dating

Interracial couple in love having fun in the city

Recently, I was asked if my husband I were celibate before marriage and if so, how?
My response: “yes and one word – boundaries!”
Before I met my husband I made up in my mind I wasn’t going to make the same mistake for a third time and I was determined to remain faithful to God and honor Him with not only my life but my body.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I learned from previous mistakes that it’s better to avoid temptation than be in a situation where you have to flee it. When my husband and I started dating we made sure to only see each other in public and we never visited each other’s homes. It was best to just avoid close quarters. Watching a movie late at night while my roommate was out of town was no longer an option.
Along with our boundaries there were several things that helped us remain celibate before marriage:
1. Understanding: we were both on the same page.  We both had the same end goal of marriage, thus, we were intentional about dating God’s way.
Dating someone who is not fully in agreement would had been hard. I’ve been in that situation before and failed.  You’re more likely to be tempted by your partner  and he/she may not be as committed to the relationship.
2.  Accountability: we both had someone close to us, who we allowed to check in on us. My husband and I came up with a grading scale and after every date we would rate ourselves. We got a C once but never failed. Sounds funny now but it worked, and we would share our grades with our accountability partners.
3.  Protecting Your Eye & Ear Gates: when dating it may be best to skip over the love scenes in movies and avoid some of  your favorite R&B songs. It’s probably best to stick to comedy and gospel. Ha!
 
Abstinence while dating is absolutely possible but it takes intentionality. However, it’s always worth the wait!