Month: January 2016

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

7 Things I Would Tell My Single Self

I am so thankful to be happily married and the mother of two wonderful children, this season is everything I could have prayed  for. In the last several days I have been thinking of my single days. I am glad I have no regrets about them, but here are some things I wish I would have known going through them.
 

  1. Relax- the one is on the way so stop hoping and praying everyone you see is the one, and no you have not met him yet. The story the Lord is writing for you is one for the storybooks. Stay focused.
  2. Grow in intimacy with God- When you get married time is going to be a precious commodity, you are on the right track, go wherever God is. Keep pursuing him with your heart.
  3. Lose weight/take care of your body- When your mate and children come it is going to be a lot harder. Keep going to the gym, develop good eating habits now.
  4. Finish School- There were so many times I wanted to give up in grad school, I am glad I did not. Finishing school while single was the best thing I could ever done for myself, some of my friends who were married with kids made it through, I just know it was a lot tougher.
  5. Go ahead and start the ministry- Many times I wanted to wait until my husband, I thought it would be easier with a partner, and it is. But the lessons I learned as a single woman leader are invaluable. Now I have my help mate but we are further ahead because I did not wait-
  6. Enjoy your sleep- Being married is not the issue, having children is. You will not sleep for many years especially mama’s. Enjoy the times when you can sleep in.
  7. Keep moving– Do not feel like if you travel, move to a different country or do something radical, your mate won’t find you. God leads people to each other, he will find you wherever you are.

Before you know it, your spouse will be here. Keep focusing on what is in front of you and you will see the goodness of God revealed.
Join us for The Online Singles Conference March 11th and 12th, everyone who registers here, will recieve a free copy of my book Journey to the Altar- A Marriage Praparation Guidebook.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

Five Common Challenges of Young Marrieds

Whether you’ve been married five years or five minutes, maybe you’ve been noticing a few changes in your new life. Like how you don’t know how you feel about animated movies anymore (I still remember my wife’s face when I wanted to rent Despicable Me. Before we had kids.), or what kind of music “married folks” are supposed to like. I get it, and so do many, many, others.

Young married couples commonly feel like the “odd ones out.” It can sometimes feel like awkward adolescence all over again. Here are five common challenges of young marrieds. See how many you can relate to.

1. Friendships are very different. If you’re recently married and your best friends aren’t yet, there’s a definite change in your interactions. By no fault of their own, they’re not in your world yet. They don’t have to make decisions that will affect their families in the capacity that you do. You may remain extremely close, but there’s no denying that there’s another best friend in your life: your spouse. For this very reason, new marrieds are often extremely hungry to find couple friends. It’s not easy, but they’re out there. Put yourselves out there and amazing friendships are waiting for you and your spouse.

2. You have a hard time knowing where you fit within society. I can remember feeling extremely out of place when we first got married. Do I go to the men’s class or do we go to the young adults class? Do we eat with the young people or the “adults” during Thanksgiving dinner? As a young, inexperienced, fresh-faced husband, I didn’t quite feel like a man, yet I was no longer a boy. Accept that you’re adults now. Glean from other older married couples. Be patient with the transition.

3. You still miss your mama—a lot. The truth is, you probably miss everything about your childhood. It’s pretty normal to actually feel homesick as a newlywed couple. Give yourself time. You’re building a brand new family with a brand new flavor and a brand new culture. The good news is that you get to create the new culture of your brand new family! So whether your childhood was good or bad, you and your spouse get to start something fresh.

4. Sometimes you feel like you’re making it up as you go. The books and premarital counseling really helped, but this is no dress rehearsal, this is it! You’re on! Your wife cries, guess who has to be her support? You! Your husband feels like a failure. Who has to be the one to build him up? You guessed it: you. And that can be scary, can’t it? I don’t know anyone who begins marriage as an expert. Marriage is a journey. Why do you think thousands upon thousands of books have been written about marriage? Because marriage is a massive mountain that has taken many couples many, many years to scale. Keep your foundation on Christ, with a devotion to one another and you will see the fog begin to clear in your marriage journey.

5. You’re actually pretty scared. The future is so uncertain and many young couples don’t commit to marriage because of the fear of the unknown.  Like Joyce Meyer says, “Do it afraid.” Marriage is a very courageous endeavor. You know why? Because you’re loving In the dark. There’s no illuminated pathway. Your journey will be different than others. You’ll have challenges unique to your marriage, but remember: He has overcome the world. Love one another. Go all in. You’re writing a beautiful story together.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Purpose in Relationships : What's is your "Why?"

Young black woman drinking tea and chatting with boyfriend on couch

It is needful that any relationship and particularly dating relationships have clear definition. In a few recent conversations and virtue of personal experience in relationships, I found that knowing purpose or the “why” of the relationship can protect the health of it and the people involved as individuals. In this case, what you don’t know CAN hurt you.
When there is purpose for a thing it gives you something to work for, cherish, protect and nurture.
LADIES: if a man cannot clearly articulate the purpose of his presence in your life, then you need to kindly escort him out of it! Otherwise, you will be led on and left to wander like a lost sheep because he’s failed to give you precise direction and definition. I am shocked at the number of women who continue on in involvement with guys who will not provide plain, straightforward definition of the relationship.
This happened to me before I learned better. I was involved with a man who never made it clear what his intentions were in my life. He wanted to keep “us” as a secret and carry on as if we were together but kept me lost in the dark about our relationship and the direction it was headed in. As a woman, I was caught up in the emotion of it, but with a false pretense: my emotions were led to a place where no commitment had been made. That was a very dangerous place. I was led on in circles because he refused to put language to his involvement in my life and as a result, it ended in bitter heartbreak.
My point is this ladies: purpose makes a man accountable! This particular man was happy to keep me a secret because he had nothing to be accountable for. I did not hold him accountable for his behavior and sadly I suffered the consequence of that. When a man is serious about you, he is going to make his intentions known and usually right upfront. A man who is not serious about you won’t tell you anything, he’ll just be there and you won’t be going anywhere. A man who knows his purpose in your life cannot just casually date you or lead you on- he won’t even desire to. And just an FYI…it is okay to ask for definition because you need to know! I am not saying to move ahead of the guy’s pace because he should naturally be the pursuer, I am referring to if there has been no talk of commitment or definition but you “feel” like you are in a relationship already.
No purpose is going to get you nowhere…fast.
When there is nothing to work towards or there is no clear direction of where you are headed; you will easily become lost. Or, you will find yourself going in circles or even worse, you’ll proceed and land in a ditch because there is not a set path in sight.
Purpose is like the steering wheel of a relationship because it is your guide for where you are headed and what you are to accomplish together. Where there is no purpose, sadly, there is no movement. How frustrating is it to be in a relationship that is not going anywhere?
Once the purpose of the relationship is determined, vision should come shortly after. You should be able to clearly see and understand what your relationship is meant to accomplish. Think about walking into a dark room and closing the door behind you. If you do not turn on the light switch before you close the door, you will have to feel your way around the room until you find it. This should not be the case in relationships; we should not have to “feel” our way through them. Purpose helps to turn the lights on in the beginning so that you can see where you are going.
In your relationship, make sure that you know and are able to answer the “why”.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Dear Future Husband…

female hands with pen writing on notebook on grass outside

Dear Future Husband:
Guest Writer: Calandra Thompson
I was part of you before we met in the physical realm. God formed me just for you. We are both spiritual beings living this natural experience. I will be your helper because God created me for you. I was made in the image of God just as you have been made in the image of God. God made no mistakes when he formed us both in our mother’s wombs.
I was created to support, love, and uplift, encourage, strengthen and compliment you in all areas of your life. Although I am a woman I still have the power and influence to help you on this journey. We are imperfect people but we are perfect for each other. Were you are weak I will be your strength and were I am weak you will be my strength. We will be powerful because God will be the head of our union.
As I reflect on the rib that came from man’s side and created woman, I can’t help but tell you that I will be by your side every step of the way. I will walk with you because I know that God is leading you. The unity in our marriage will come from us both being able to support each other physically, emotionally, mentally and most importantly spiritually.
I want a mind blowing experience from our first encounter. Your transparency will wipe away fears that you don’t know exist. Our connection will be confirmation from that prayers that I have prayed. We will share our dreams, fears and aspirations with each other. We will follow the way that God has instructed us how to love each other.
I vow today I will love you even when there are unlovable moments, I will respect you because I know that you are connected to the vine, I will assist you whenever you need me whether it be ministry or personal growth, I will submit to you because I know that you are connected to the source, my spirit will remain gentle and quiet. I will continue to support and encourage you in all that you do. You will always be uplifted in my prayers!
 
Calandra Thompson is a Christian Blogger of http://inspiredcali14.blogspot.com/ a blog that is written to encourage and inspire people in their daily walk with Jesus Christ. Calandra is currently enrolled in seminary school. Calandra has 3 beautiful children and is currently dating a wonderful man of God with a purpose. Her passion for Christ inspires her to spread the gospel to all that will hear. Calandra resides in Dallas, TX and attends Christian Chapel Temple of Faith CME.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

5 Signs That Indicate He/She May Not be That Into You….

Closeup portrait dumb young woman, arms out asking what's problem, who cares so what, I don't know. Isolated green background space to right. Negative human emotion facial expressions, body language

Have you ever received mixed signals from a man/woman who seemed to be into you one minute then months/years later you became confused and unsure of where the relationship was headed? If you can relate to this emotional roller coaster, here are some signs that can help to determine if he/she is really not that into you:
1. If you are the one who always initiates communication, he/she may not be that into you. When a man or woman is interested in you, he/she will call, text, email or send smoke signals to get your attention. Not in a “stalkerish” way, but you will not be left to wonder if he/she is interested in you. When the interest is mutual both individuals will do their share of communicating with one another. However, the male should be taking the lead in the pursuit. Ladies, your job is to confirm your interest after HE pursues you.
2. If he/she consistently make excuses about why they can not make time for you, he/she may not be that into you. When a man/woman is interested in you, no matter how busy their schedule is they will make time for you!
3. If no one important to them knows you exist, he/she may not be that into you. When a man finds a woman he is interested in, he will share his interest with those close to him. If he has never mentioned you to his close  friends or family, chances are he is not that into you. Women love to show off the man in their life. If she has not mentioned you after several months of dating, you may just be an option for her, but nothing serious.
4. If he/she can not express their pursuit or feelings for you publicly, but communicates to you how important you are to them in secret, the truth is he/she may not be that into you. While I don’t believe every move made in the relationship should be public, if he/she is a public person (often shares great news and aspects of their life on social media) but there is no trace of you….there may be a problem. When a man is interested in a woman and really feels she is his potential mate, he will not hide her. He is not afraid of sharing his pursuit of her publicly. If he is truly decided about her place in his life, his goal will be to take her off the market as soon as possible. As it pertains to women, a decided woman will most certainly let the world know she is taken and involved. She will not keep her man a secret!
5. If a significant amount have time has elapsed and he/she is not ready to move forward with you to the next level, he/she may not be that into you. If you have spent several months or years getting to know a man/woman by dating and discussing a future together and he/she shows no interest in moving forward….he/she may not be into you. A reluctant man is a undecided man. Men who are ready for marriage know what they want and are prepared prior to pursuing a woman. Any other form of pursuit is simply a gamble and can result in a dead end relationship. Men, a woman who will entertain you while you spend money to take her out and on gifts, but is reluctant to move forward with you after spending a significant time in a dating relationship may enjoy the benefits of having you around….however she is most likely not sold on having a future with you.
For those who desire true love God’s way, refuse to settle for dead end relationships. Do not make a man or woman your all when they they have simply made you an option! Men, you are worthy of a woman who will make room for you in her life and will commit to you and only you. Ladies, you are worth the pursuit of a decided man who will make his pursuit of you clear and known to the world!

Categories
Engaged Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

5 Simple Ways to Lead your Wife

Happy to be together. Handsome young man piggybacking beautiful woman and smiling while standing against grey background

One of the hardest things for a husband to do is to lead. Quite frankly, whether we want to admit it or not, we often times have no clue how to do so. We are filled with outdated and impractical scenarios of how it should be done or, we go along swinging in the dark trying to find a method on how to do so. It is tough sometimes BUT it is a mandate that we’ve been given for the health of our marriage and families. God would not have required us to do it if it could not be done. Below are 5 simple ways to lead your wife. These tasks, if implemented, can be transformative for your marriage or future marriage.

  1. Ask YOUR wife how she needs and wants to be lead. Many times we have our own preconceived notions about what our wives need in terms of leadership. We must not make the foolhardy mistake of thinking that our individual wives are like someone else’s wife. Your wife needs a specific, tailor made type and style of leadership. If she does not know because she’s never been asked, it creates a great conversation and solidifies a strong brick in the foundation of your marriage.
  2. Lead by inclusion. Make sure that she’s a part of the decision making process for the direction of the family. Our wives voice(s) are equally as important. The decisions that we make affect the whole family. As a wife and mother, her words are valuable and her desires for the family need to be heard, considered, and acted upon. It is a great way to hear her heart and will help her to trust you when making decisions because she will know that you are aware of, and will take into account her point of view
  3. Pray with your wife. Showing Godly accountability through prayer and seeking God’s face helps to ensure that we are connected to the heart of God and getting our direction and guidance from him. Prayer is also another time that we can hear the concerns, needs, and thoughts of our wives. While praying WITH her, listen to what she is saying and take note of those things so that you can go to God in her stead during your private prayer time.
  4. Remain connected to Godly accountability. Scripture tells us our plans will succeed with many advisors (Provers 15:22). When we are connected to a system of accountability, it is not always comfortable; if it is comfortable, that system has failed us. This helps to ensure that we are making wise, Godly decisions with a sounding board that helps guide us as we lead the family. It is imperative that we remain connected to GODLY accountability and not your friend that starts every sentence with “let me tell you what I did…”
  5. Speak life into your wife. Encourage her. Salute her. Esteem her. Regard her. Celebrate her. She is the crown jewel of our treasure here on earth. Speaking life is more than just compliments. It is taking the time to see our wives’ efforts, greatness, spirit, and value AND create a context that harnesses all of those and breathes a breath of fresh air into them. Speaking life into our wives can help shape their existence (as them speaking into us can do the exact same).

These five simple tasks will have an effect on our wives and allow us to lead as God has called us to. They require transparent communication, attention to detail, thoughtfulness, and respect. We cannot expect our wives to be fully submitted and give those elements to us unless we are fully submitted to Christ by loving and regarding them as Christ does the church. Guys, it’s WAAAAY more than being a bread winner!!!

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

Singles…What is Distracting You?

Confused teacher sitting at table scratching his head thinking what idea to write isolated office grey wall background with copy space. Human face expressions, emotions, feelings, body language

Categories
Marriage

The Three P's to a Great Date Night

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

Life happens, as we all know. With the endless demands of work, home, family and other day to day activities, we are bound to get busy. However, with the busy schedule, it is important that you never become so busy that you forget to date your mate. Dating is an important element to the continued evolution of a relationship! It allows for each person in the relationship to check-in with their partner romantically. So how do you maintain dating your mate with a full schedule? There are three P’s to dating your mate that should make dating your mate a part of your regular routine.
1) Plan It!  Schedule it! Make a decision to date your mate regularly! Whether it is weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, make the date and as best as you can keep it. Remember, date night is in fact quality time so do not minimize it by not outing in the effort to make it enjoyable. Pick an activity and agree on what it will be. Whether it is a night in the house or a night out on the town, the date should be planned and agreed upon!
2) Prepare for it! Do Whatever it is you need to do to get your head in the game. If that means spending extra time earlier in that week on projects to make sure you at undisturbed during that night, do it! This could also mean assigning other days of the week to take care of household chores. Additionally, carving out a window of time of preparation to just focus on you could also be beneficial. This includes a moment to relax and unwind before the date OR, getting pampered with hair, nails, and other grooming to make date night extra special.
3) Participate in it! Enjoy it! Keep it light! Date night is a fun night! It’s not the night to fight hash out a disagreement or not speak to each other. This is literally a time to cuddle, snuggle, and laugh! Remember, this is your spouse and you have chosen to spend eternity with them, so do not slack on the value of dating after marriage as a maintenance technique to keep the fire on the relationship alive.
Remember: Making the decision to be in this relationship for life requires more than an “I DO” to maintain it, but the fun does not have to end once the marriage begins so: Plan It! Prepare for it! Participate in it! Although dating alone is not the only thing that helps to build the relationship, it is a helpful tool that can build the longevity of the relationship and allow intimacy to grow between the both of you!

Categories
Marriage Physical Intimacy

3 Places On My Wife I Commit to Kiss Everyday and Why

lovers walking in a field at sunset holding hands

The first kiss recorded in the Bible is found in Genesis 27:26-27. When Jacob kissed his son Isaac. This kiss was a sign of respect, honor, and a passing of blessing.
A kiss at its core is a sign of love and respect between two people.
It has now in our culture also become a way to connect non verbally with a person you are romantically involved with, a method of foreplay to prepare one another for sexual intimacy, and a sign of respect to a close one.
In marriage kissing is very vital part of your daily interaction. In my marriage it is already a custom when one person leaves the home we kiss each other, before we lay our heads to sleep we kiss each other, and at a time of celebration we kiss each other.
Each day I have committed to myself and my wife to kiss her in three places that hold a powerful symbol to reiterate 3 core values we vowed to when we got married.

  1. Her Forehead

In the morning before I leave for work, I kiss my wife on her forehead. The reason I kiss her on her forehead is to recommit my vow to honor and protect her thoughts, passions, fears, and her authority as my wife.
The forehead kiss is a sign of honor and respect that communicates you can trust me no matter what. When you kiss a woman at the top of her head you let her know that she can leave her entire life in your care. You let her know that she is safe with you.
2. Her cheek.
A kiss on the cheek is a kiss of friendship. Before you kiss a woman on her lips it is appropriate to kiss a woman on her cheeks during your dating season.
Each day I kiss my wife on her cheek as a commitment to be her best friend through it all. At the foundation of every great marriage is a solid friendship.
Two people who have strive to understand one another through communicating daily, putting the other before themselves through serving, conflict resolution, and respecting each other.
The kiss on the cheek will forever be the kiss that melts a woman’s heart.

  1. Her Lips

Kissing on the lips dates back to Biblical days which we can see in Song of Solomon 1:2, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.
In the Middle Ages in Europe kissing the on the lips was a sign of equal rank. Which is powerful in marriage because it communicates we are in this together.
At its core in marriage a kiss on the lips is a sign of romantic love.
I commit to kiss my wife daily on her lips to communicate the vow to romantically love her til death do us part, for better or for worse. The kiss on the lips is a commitment to forever be the romancer of her heart.   A kiss on the lips communicates that only you have my affection, desires, and heart.
The commitment to kiss your spouse everyday can build a bridge of trust and communicate your love in another way than just saying it.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

How to Find and Date the Perfect Gentleman

Let’s face it, we all want to date the perfect gentleman! Most women would love a man who answers her calls, lifts her up when she’s down, recognizes her worth, pushes her towards her dreams and goals, and opens doors for her.
Often times, we as women settle for less then God’s best; some out of loneliness, some out of desperation and others out of a lack of understanding as to how they deserve to be treated! Me, I was the girl who simply didn’t understand just how much I was worth. But that’s the thing about dating a gentleman; he’ll never allow you to forget just how special you are.
I remember deciding I was tired of being mistreated by guys who spoke down on me, called me out of my name, and was just down right disrespectful. I remember sitting on my dorm room floor crying out to God regarding my feelings of hurt. It’s almost as if he said, “Well, date me”.
Now I’ve always thought people who “dated” Jesus were just weird and lonely (lbs). But it was after failed relationships with man, that I decided to make room for the ULTIMATE gentleman. So where did I find this gentleman? I found him in my quiet time, hidden in my word (the Bible)!
The more time I spent with Jesus, the more time he spent with me, the more I became acquainted with his voice, the more he shared his thoughts regarding me, the more he affirmed who I was created to be and the more doors he opened for me, among other things.
Though I once thought it was weird to “date” Jesus, it was in dating him that I realized what I really wanted and what I deserved in a man. I realized that a “thug” didn’t have the capacity to love the woman of God, God created me to be. I learned that a man who doesn’t have God’s own heart could never treat me as Jesus did! It was in dating Jesus that I realized EXACTLY what I deserved and wanted!
So you want to date a perfect gentleman, huh? Start with dating THEE perfect gentleman. When you get to know him, it’ll be easier to recognize his heartbeat in the heartbeat of others. It’ll be easier to turn away from those who don’t display his characteristics. Finally, it’ll be easier to be found by the one who will love you and treat you as Jesus did!
Much to my surprise, dating Jesus isn’t for the lonely and weird, it’s for the wise!
Be encouraged!
Shannon C Colar