Tag: marriage

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Don't Lose You While Dating Them!

Group of friends celebrating on the beach in LA. Concept about friendship, good mood and people

Written By: Tatianah Green
Dating can be exciting, nerve wrecking, and even grounds for a good (or bad) story to share with friends later. But, how many of us consider how we date? Dating in this generation has a bad rep, but when you consider how you personally want to date and your reasons behind it, you can secure the types of dates and people you want to date without compromising what you truly want in life and love.
 
Consider these thoughts as you go into your dating season:
 
Check your motives
 
What is your intention and motives for dating this person? I know this may seem a little early to some in the dating process, but in reality, you should have an idea of why you are dating and more specifically, interested in dating this person you are seeing. Are you dating because you’re lonely? Do you want to date because of outside pressures to get out more? Do you want to date with purpose to connect with a suitable mate?
 
In 2018, we can’t just wing it out here guys. We should move with pure motives and heart so we don’t lead anyone on for the sake of just wanting to go on dates. Remember that people are not experiments, but humans who desire and deserve the same things that you’re praying for.
 
Dating is not a competition or job interview
 
Despite what we see on TV, dating is not a competition. You’re one of a kind and so is your date.  When you’re competing in dating, you lose focus on the individual you’re getting to know and focus more on the win, whatever that looks like to you. A competitive mindset robs you of the opportunity to truly get to know people for who they are instead of seeing them as potential threats to your goal.
 
Competing also takes away from you, constantly having to “prove” your desirability or qualities to be someone worth dating. If you have to do all of this for someone’s attention, straining yourself to be seen or gain approval from this person, then they may not be for you.
 
Like a job we really want, we may exaggerate some skills and even create new credentials to fit the requirements for that job. This definitely applies in dating, where it’s so easy to stretch the truth because you’re still in the early stages of learning about each other. Be sure to ask real questions and answer questions honestly.
You don’t want to lie that you’re into something to please your date.
Remember that you’re on this date too and need to vet them to see if they are someone you’d truly want to get to know, not because they’re the most eligible bachelor or bachelorette.
 
Be you all ways, always
 
Dating usually goes well in the beginning because the daters get along, have good conversation, and are respectful to one another, aka polite. Are you sure you were on a date with the person as who they are and not their representative? You can ask yourself the same question. Of course, early on in dating you tend to bring it in the looks, outfit, smell goods, talking topics, etc. But does your date get to see you authentically?
 
You’ve come a long way to develop your sense of self, personality, humor, intellect, interest, and passions. So why dumb down for anyone who doesn’t agree with those aspects of you in order to feel desired or wanted? Is the fear of not getting a date worth losing yourself in the process?
 
It helps to be yourself and not be so anxious to meet your date’s needs, because you’re not made to please man, but to please God.
 
When you walk in your true identity in Christ, you won’t lack confidence to be who you are on your dates instead of putting up a facade. Being yourself is a beautiful risk, because being true to who you are and who you serve will show in your walk and talk. It will draw the right people or deter the wrong people.
 
Don’t dim your light for a first date to get a second date, or at any time for that matter. No matter where you are in your single and dating season, it is rewarding to be true to yourself, unapologetically.

Categories
Engaged Home Marriage

5 Things to Do While Engaged

I love you. Amazed surprised positive African American couple sitting in the cafe and being covered with a blanket while getting engaged

The average wedding in the United States cost $26,720.
Whether single or engaged we all have thought about what our big day will look like.
Love is beautiful, especially when you fall in love with the right mate that God has created for you. But the reality of marriage, is that it takes work to stay married.
My husband and I, married on March 11, 2017. We were excited about our BIG DAY. But we wanted our marriage to be more beautiful than our wedding day. To be honest, our wedding day flew by so fast. I woke up the next morning wanting a redo. Then, I thought for a minute – maybe not. It was a lot of work.
I said all that to say, don’t allow that day to become your main focal point that you miss the reason that God has joined you together. Don’t rush through the engagement season. There are some things that God needs to impart into your life, so that you make it to the altar. God just doesn’t want us to make it the altar and then we fail at staying married. Marriage is not just about surviving, but God wants us to thrive.
Life is going to become hectic with the wedding planning, but I want to encourage you to stay focused on the promises of God. I also, want you to enjoy your engagement season!
Here are 5 Things to Do While Engaged:

  1. Pre-martial Counseling. Don’t miss this step. PLEASE! This is necessary to help you improve your relationship before you get married. Topics will be discussed that you probably hadn’t put too much thought into before.
  2. Connection with other Married Couples. You need this. Spend time with other seasoned couples and allow them to share their truth about marriage. Hopefully, you partner with a couple that will be transparent about the good times and even the bad times that marriage can bring.
  3. Praying Together = Staying Together. Pray like never before. The enemy is going to attack you in this season. He doesn’t want to see you make it to the altar. Pray that God protect you from dangers seen and unseen and that he continue to keep a hedge of protection around your relationship. In Jesus name, Amen!
  4. Don’t Forget to Worship. Public worship is the best. Coming together on one accord to worship God is an awesome feeling. It brings you and your significant other closer together. Their love for God is what probably brought you two together in the first place.
  5. Spend Quality Time Together. Stay connected even though you may be excited about the BIG DAY ahead. Continue to court each other. Make sure you have Date Night in the midst of all the planning.

There was a reason that I shared the cost of the wedding at the beginning of this blog post. I don’t want to see you value you your wedding day, more than you value your marriage. Marriage can and will be beautiful when you put in the work to stay married.
 

Categories
Engaged Marriage

2 Conversations You Should Have With Family & Friends Before You Get Married

Japanese and black friends drinking coffee in kitchen

Genesis 2:24, which states that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” was often a topic of discussion in my premarital course. Our mentor couple did a wonderful job of explaining to us that in this context leaving your father and mother, also represents leaving your friends or other love ones that might tempt you to put their needs before your spouse’s. After him, God intended for your spouse to be your number one priority. Having these two conversations with your family and friends will help you with honoring your spouse’s rank:
1. Parents
You will want to be honest with your parents about what role you want them to play in your new family unit. The discussions with parents should center around your expectations of them in supporting your new marriage journey and their expectations of your role in their family. Ask your parents to be supportive of your marriage, pray for you and your spouse, and for them to be available when counsel or advice is needed. It may also be necessary to remind your parents that God calls us to cleave to our spouse. It is important that your actions start to reflect the behavior of leaving and cleaving. When your parents see you tending to your partner before you tend to them, they will witness your commitment to your spouse. As a final touch to this conversation, your parents will appreciate you asking what expectations they have of you and your spouse in joining their larger family unit. This question might invite conversations about family holidays and frequency of visits. 
 2. Friends
Relationships with friends naturally alter once you get married. Similarly with your parents, obligations with your spouse may prevent you from devoting as much time to your friends. One part of this conversation should explain that your spouse and starting your own family unit is now your main priority. Be sure to communicate that this new commitment will require more of your time and focus. Make it clear that their friendship is still important to you and you will continue to work to maintain it. The second part of this conversation should include you inviting your friend to become an accountability buddy. Ask your friend to check in on you to make sure you are being a Christian spouse and to assist you with refraining from behaviors that could compromise your character. This will give your friend a new opportunity to be involved in your life and you will benefit from having someone to hold you accountable for your actions.
 
Author note:
Brooke Fitzpatrick is devoted to empowering young couples about the beauty of marriage. She is happily married to her husband, Jared and the experiences of her marriage adventure have provided her with a wealth of knowledge to share with others as they embark on their marriage journey. You can vconnect with her via theauthenticbride@gmail.com. 

Categories
Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways to Support Your Spouse During Life Challenges

Portrait Of Loving African American Couple In Countryside

In marriage, no couple is exempt from life challenges. Unexpected life situations happen that have the potential to create disconnections and disagreements that upset the balance of your relationship. Challenges come in the form of job changes, work-life demands, emotional struggles, and monetary setbacks. At these life turns, your spouse will need your encouragement and support.
Being grounded in God helps couples during the challenges of life. Ecclesiastes 4 speaks of two being better than one and a cord of three strands cannot be easily broken (vv. 9,12). When couples have God in the center of their marriage and friendship, His presence is the source of their strength through any challenges they face together.
Here are three practical ways to encourage and support your spouse that will continue strengthening your relationship when facing challenges:

  1. Spend time in prayer. When you and your spouse pray together, powerful things happen and your marriage is strengthened to withstand life challenges. 1 John 5:14-15 says how bold and free we become in His presence, freely asking according to His will because we know He is listening. And since we are confident God is listening, we already know that what we asked for is done.
  2. Major on love. Do you know the unique needs of your husband or wife? What is their love language that you can major on to provide support to them? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is the template for love and support. Not only does this passage of Scripture show us a visual of how to love others, it draws us closer to God as we mirror His example in our marriages.
  3. Elevate Your Partnership. The greatest gift is affirming, encouraging, and understanding what your spouse may be dealing with. Facing challenges as a unified team are opportunities to:
  • Be a good listener to communicate love and respect (James 1:19)
  • Have conversations that speak of value and commitment as you work and grow together (Colossians 4:6).
  • Grow your faith in God to navigate through the challenges of life (James 1:2-4).

Let’s start a conversation! How have you encouraged and supported your spouse? Please share in the comments below.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Married with Expectations

Unhappy couple at therapy session in therapists office

Many of us have expectations of what desire to see in a mate. Often our expectations are based on past experiences whether good or bad. Case in point, when I got engaged to my now husband, I had a long list of expectations for him. It was during premarital counseling that our pastor helped me too see that I hadn’t healed from past experiences.
After going through counseling, I realized that my expectations of my husband were ridiculous. I had to go back and remember the promise that God had spoken over my life. God told me before we started dating that he was my husband.
During our last premarital session, my pastor asked me what my expectations of my future husband were. I responded, “To love me like Christ loves the church.” Ephesians 5:25 At that moment all my walls came tumbling down, knowing that God wouldn’t bless me with a man that would intentionally harm me.  I also knew, that God wouldn’t give me a man that resembled anything like the men I had chosen before.
If I had kept my long list of expectations that I had before we got married, our marriage would be struggling to thrive. There are days that I still have to check myself so that I’m not expecting my husband to be like anyone else but the man that God has called him to be.
If you have a long list of expectations of your fiancé or husband, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  1. How did God manifest your courtship?
  2. How has God worked in your relationship prior to marriage?
  3. What obstacles or challenges have you overcome together?
  4. Why did you make the conscious decision to marry your spouse?

It’s okay to have standards for your mate but it’s not okay to have expectations of your mate. Your expectations can hinder your marriage from being purpose filled. If my husband had not met my standards, I wouldn’t have even dated him. He met my standards and actually exceeded them.
Expectations can become a burden in your marriage because you are expecting your spouse to act or respond in a certain way. It’s not fair to the person to set expectations on them. If they don’t meet your expectations you began view them in a negative light.
Your spouse isn’t a mind reader, so don’t expect them to know what you are thinking or even desire from them. Always remember that you are two imperfect people and you are not the same. There are going to be some imperfections displayed in the both of you. Don’t let that overpower that greatness that God has brought together. At the end of the day know that we serve a perfect God.
Throw the ungodly  expectations out the door and allow your marriage to thrive beyond what you could ever imagine.
I want to know your thoughts on this subject….Leave a comment below.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Holy Suicide-Are You Really Ready For Marriage?

Rear view of a vintage car with just married sign and cans attached

Marriage-it’s a beautiful thing, but often it becomes an overemphasized reality to many particularly when it comes to exploring the purpose in which it is intended. We hear mini-series, webinars, and bullet-point presentations on the best ways to attract, prepare, and even pray concerning our future spouses; however, once the preparation has ended, I beg to ask the question, are you really ready to die?
 
Die? Woah! Things just took an extreme turn, but stay with me.
Yes, marriage is the sacred joining together of two individuals in which love, commitment, faithfulness, loyalty, submission, and fidelity are interwoven around the Lordship of Christ. All of these things fuel the union that is both symbolic of Christ’s relationship with the church and His unrelenting devotion to keep this relationship upheld. But how relentless was Christ in showing his love? How do we know what love is?
 
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. – 1 John 3:16
 
Jesus laid down his life on our behalf. He offered Himself up through the act of “laying down,” i.e. dying on our behalf. One death and one resurrection laid the foundation for us to live a life of constant adoration and reverence to the Father.  This death showed us what love is. This death showed us the intense passion and pursuit that drove the Father in His pursuit of having lifetime union with us. This death, the decision to give our livelihood for another, is the template by which marriage is built.
 
When you stand at the altar and repeat “I Do,” you are not just simply agreeing to the terms of eternal bliss, constant devotion, and unconditional regard as a means to the end. The means to the end is dying enough to yourself, so that your partner gets to live. Christ didn’t just die to stay dead, but He ended up living as a result of the decision and gave us the opportunity to live, too. So, it is the same for marriage.
 
When you decide to die to your selfish ways, your partner gets to live in kindness. When your spouse decides to die to pessimism, you reap the benefits of confidence and hopefulness. When you decide to die to your prideful ambitions, your partner gets to abide in humble outcomes. When your partner decides to die to unforgiveness and harboring resentment, you get the thrill of being tossed in the throes of mercy and immunity from your own short-comings and character insufficiencies.
 
All in all, when you both make the decision to die to the parts of you that don’t resemble the nature of Christ,  you get to encounter the process of transformation that ultimately draws you both closer to that very nature itself. Dying to self to look like Christ. Dying to self for your spouse to be like Christ. Dying to selves to glorify Christ. All of these are the genesis of what marriage was constructed to be.  
 
You see, the beauty of marriage is the intention behind it—the sanctification that draws us to look more like Christ. It’s so much bigger than being with someone that looks good, brings you joy, loves you completely, and draws you closer to Christ. While these things are evident, they are not the conclusion of the matter.  Marriage in and of itself is being joined with the one used in the hands of Christ to cause the parts of you that don’t resemble him—to die. What makes it beautiful is that you get to do the same with your spouse and the love of Christ that makes this all possible is put on display to ultimately bring glory to Him.
 
I know that you thought marriage was going to be a conglomerate of happiness, bliss, joy, hard times, disagreements, and endurance. But let’s add the part that few like to discuss—the never-ending process of sanctification. Again, the joy of marriage is found in the intention for which it was built.  So, whether you’re married and things seem too difficult or you’re single and the thought of marriage has become too sought after, ask yourself, “Is (or am I ready for) this holy suicide making me look like Him?”  If the answer is yes—you’re not only equipped, but you’re well ready.
 
Take Heed and Live Free,
Chelle
 

Richelle is a Christian, Speaker, Author, Counselor and lives in Orlando, Florida. She has a heart for all things Jesus and loving on people! She believes that where there is brokenness, there is beauty and where there is heartbreak, there is hope! She is passionate in pursuing individuals who feel distraught, lost, and hopeless and desire that they, along with others who have not experienced the fullness of the Father’s love, will find themselves completely restored in it! 

She is the Founder and Executive Editor of Show Those Scars, an organization that promotes transparency and honesty to bring healing and wholeness in Christ.  Her passions include counseling, writing, hanging out with friends & family, and cooking! More of her works can be found on her website,  www.showthosescars.com  

Categories
Marriage Parenting

3 Things to Consider Before Having a Baby

Beautiful young couple is talking and smiling while sitting near the window at home

Thinking about having a baby? As a conversation that comes up in our house often, here are some things to consider in making your decision.
  1. Your Emotional Stability As a Couple
Are you and your spouse in a healthy place in your relationship? If things are not good now, having a baby isn’t going to fix your marriage. If you have serious relationship issues, take the time to invest in your marital relationship now. Having kids will only complicate things further and make it harder to keep your marriage a priority with your new responsibility. Be intentional about growing as a couple now, your emotional maturity will shine as you prepare to handle parenthood.
 
 2. Your Financial Stability
Can you afford to have a baby? Once you have a child, they never go away. Even having a dog for a pet has showed us how that has impacted our monthly finances, I can only imagine what that looks like adding another human being to the mix! This question may not necessarily have a black and white answer, but we would recommend trying to knock out your debt before getting pregnant, or if you find yourself pregnant, being intentional about saving up to 6 months of expenses in the event something unexpected were to happen.
 
Babies aren’t cheap, and each year has different financial commitments as they grow up. Of course you can find ways to make it work whatever your situation may be, but try to be mindful about what this will look like for you and your spouse.
 
  3. Your Biological Clock
 
Although it is not popular to talk about, your age does play into your ability to have kids, and the older you get, the higher the chance of complications in pregnancy or your ability to get pregnant. While it has become culturally normal to start having babies in your thirties, doctors will show your odds of success in your twenties are significantly higher than later on. However, don’t allow this to be a reason to rush into something you are not ready for. Every couple’s timeline is different, and you need to do what is best for the TWO of YOU.
 
Something to consider: understand that when you DO decide to start trying to have a baby, there is no guarantee that it is going to happen right away or according to the timeline you wanted. Do not be discouraged! Often times couples will try for months, or even years without success, while others get pregnant when they weren’t planning on it. Luckily in today’s day and age there are many fertility options to help assist with the pregnancy process.
 
Unfortunately, fertility struggles often go unidentified until a couple has started trying or experienced complications. I want to encourage you to have this conversation with your spouse NOW.

Categories
Communication Home Marriage Parenting Spiritual Intimacy

3 Priorities to Build the Best Marriage Ever

Closeup portrait of a young couple, guy in yellow shirt kissing woman with blue shirt, happy moments, positive human emotions on isolated outdoors outside background.

Priorities are important for a godly marriage. When there is no order in your marriage, the enemy will major in creating division in your union. Here are 3 good and practical priorities to help keep your marriage flowing in line with God’s principles:

  1. Love God first. Mark 12:30 states to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” The Lord must be first in your marriage to keep the foundation of your marriage strong. When we love Him, we can love others from that outflow. Here are some ways to keep God in the #1 spot of your life:
  • Study the Word of God daily.
  • Spend time each day in prayer and worship with your spouse.
  • Encourage and spend time with other godly couples.
  1. Be your spouse’s best friend. Ephesians 5:22-25 speaks of how wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Likewise, husbands are to love their wives, as Christ loved the church. Your marriage and friendship are like a garden, what you plant is what you get out of it.

Remember romance and sex are important but building a friendship solidifies the foundation of your marriage. Scheduling date nights, taking spur-of-the-moment getaways, spending quality time without phone or computer distractions, and buying one another spontaneous gifts are some ways of keeping your relationship a priority.

  1. Don’t forget your children and family. The next priority after your marriage is your family. After all, ministry starts at home. 1 Timothy 5:8 says that if we do not care for our relatives and immediate family, then we deny the Christian faith and operate as unbelievers. What does making this a priority look like?
  • Creating a family mission statement that intentionally values Christlike development.
  • Spending time with your children to teach and raise them up as the next generation of leaders for Christ (Proverbs 22:6).
  • Building up, encouraging, and supporting your family to walk and keep growing in love of God.

These three practical priorities will cause love and grace to flow in your marriage. What other priorities could you set as a game changer for your marriage?

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

4 Tips To Help Married Couples Stay Married

Young African American Couple Walking In Countryside

Your first year of marriage is extremely foundational. They say the habits you form in year one can dictate the direction your marriage will continue down. Here are some good, practical marriage habits to help keep your relationship healthy and on the right track.
 

  1. Have Regular Check-Ins.

I cannot stress enough the importance of communication. When we first got married, my husband and I had regular weekly check-ins where we knew we could be safe and honest with each other. Here are some things you may cover in your check-in’s:
 

  • How can I love you better?
  • Was there anything that happened this week you would like to talk about?
  • What can I do to better support you in x,y,z?

 
Regular communication keeps things from building up over time and addresses the issue sooner rather than later. Don’t be afraid to schedule time for these activities – whether it’s weekly check-ins, monthly date nights, scheduled sex, planning ahead of time will help you be more intentional in keeping the health of you marriage a priority when life gets busy.
 

  1. Make Goals, Create Vision.

Every six months my husband and I pull out our journal and record. We talk about favorite moments from the last part of the year, things we are learning, things we have improved, and most importantly – new goals we are working towards in the current season. Doing it together keeps us focused on building the life we want together. Goals can help motivate you, giving you something to strive for and encourage you to be the best you can be. Vision brings a shared sense of purpose into your day by day. These two combined can help you create a plan to have a fulfilling marriage that works for both of you.
 

  1. Manage your finances together.

I cannot stress the importance of this point. It amazes me how many people bring the “me” and “my” money mentality into their marriages. Doing it together is a great discipline – it allows both spouses to be informed as to what comes in and what it takes to manage a household. Many times marriages often have one spouse in control, and the other that simply follows their lead. Having one spouse in charge leaves room for financial abuse – potentially having one spouse dictating or controlling where the money can go, and deciding what is justified in spending money on a purchase. Regardless of who makes more, you are now one- additional income, but one pot.
 
As you manage your finances together, you can build financial goals around your life aspirations, and see forward progress on a monthly basis – whether that is debt reduction, saving for a down payment for a house, vacation, a baby fund, etc. Managing your finances allows you to navigate the path you wish to go down versus being limited by your financial circumstances.
 

  1. Have Personal Time- Invest In You.

In order to be the best version of you, don’t forget to invest in yourself – your spiritual walk, your health, and continuing hobbies/activities that make you happy. How can you give out, if you haven’t invested inside? You are one, but it doesn’t mean you have to lose your individuality.
 
For the first year of our marriage I always wanted to spend time with my husband. I realized that I had stopped doing some things that made me happy because he didn’t find interest in them, and I found myself picking up activities he did because I was trying to be supportive, but it wasn’t who I was. It’s good to find things to do together, but don’t forget to balance your together and personal time. You’ll find you enjoy your togetherness more and you will be more intentional with the time you do have together.
 
And as a final note, keep it simple. Be practical; make steps and routines that work for your relationship. What works for my husband and I may not work for another couple based on their schedules and personalities. Be sensitive to what each of you needs, and develop a plan to make your marriage work.
 
 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage

Naked in My Marriage

Affectionate african american couple talking on couch

I use to be ashamed of my past experiences – afraid of judgment. It wasn’t until a few years ago that God revealed to me that it was okay to share my story and not be afraid of people’s opinions. I can honestly say, that I felt freedom in Christ to know that I didn’t have to hide who I was. My past gave me a story to glorify my heavenly Father and to break chains of bondage.
While single I would share my testimony with others about how I had overcome many obstacles in my past. But when I started dating my now husband, I wondered would this man be able to accept my past, my right now and my future.
I already had 3 children by different fathers. I was hoping that we would be able to avoid this conversation. I just knew that once he found out that I was woman that had 3 children by different fathers that he would leave. He didn’t have any children, so I kept thinking, “Why would he want me?”
One day he brought it up while we were on the phone, “Tell me about the children’s fathers.” I choked up and instantly became afraid to share. I was wondering, “How did he figure it out?” I guess it wasn’t difficult because my children always introduced themselves with their first and last name.
I managed to get through the conversation by talking about each parent. Even though our co-parenting relationships weren’t the best, I spoke the truth without bashing the other parent. After I pushed through sharing, I just broke down.
He heard the quiver in my voice and said he was on the way to my house.  I immediately braced  myself for the break up. He arrived, greeted me, and then went straight to the kitchen and started to clean out the refrigerator. I was completely confused. He then sat me down on the couch and said, “I’m not going anywhere. I just wanted to know where I needed to step up in the children’s lives. I love you and I love those kids.”
Mind blown at this statement, I realized that I had met the man of my prayers. I would’ve never said “I do” if I couldn’t be completely naked with my husband. I had to be with someone that I could be open and honest with about my past. I refused to live in shame. As long as I watered down my past experiences, I would continue to live in bondage.
Marry the person that you can by completely naked with in your marriage. That person will never use what you share against you, but will love you even more. They will see you the way that Christ sees you – courageous, bold, strong, an over-comer, and a game changer.  I love that I am able to be naked in my marriage. If I am naked, I am authentic; if I am authentic; I am able to fulfill my destiny,and be unashamed of my story.