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Emily Thomes is a wife and speaker. Prior to meeting Benjamin “Ben” Thomes, Emily would mock Christians, dabble with drugs and lived a life of promiscuity. She was also a staunch lesbian and would use male washrooms. In 2014, Thomes started to attend her aunt’s Bible studies. Emily was never pressured to change her lifestyle but was personally convicted after learning about the different attributes of God and reading Scripture. Thomes decided she need to change her life and left the lesbian lifestyle and drugs. A couple of years after getting saved, Emily met the love of her life, Ben. In this interview, Thomes goes in-depth to discuss single – hood, marriage and tragedy. In the midst of it all, Thomes sought to keep Christ in the center.
Habiba Abudu (HA) : The life you live now is a stark contrast to your life a couple of years ago. Can you discuss the change that occurred in your life?
Emily Thomes (ET) : In short, God saved me. I was granted to see myself as a wretched sinner in need of a new heart and a new life and He gave me that. My life had been marked by various sin : practicing homosexuality, smoking marijuana, and drunkenness to name a few. Today, it’s marked by imperfect but sincere obedience, by His grace.
HA : Did you ever deal with loneliness when your were single ?
ET : I did. He used that season to glorify Himself all the more. He showed Himself sufficient for me when I didn’t have a significant other.
HA : In your season of singleness, how did you prepare to be a wife ?
ET : I spent time with married women, usually wives who were also moms, and learned from them.
HA : You met Ben via Facebook ? How did you navigate a long distance relationship ?
ET : I did ! His mom introduced us actually. We weren’t long distance for long. The first few months, we started each day with a phone call where he’d read the devotional book Morning and Evening, by Charles Spurgeon with me. We’d also text and FaceTime each other throughout the day. We both desired marriage in one another, so he moved to North East Texas pretty quickly.
HA : Was it awkward sharing your past with Ben ?
ET : Thanks to Facebook, I actually didn’t have to tell him much about it. Once we became friends on Facebook, Ben came across my testimony video. We discussed it, and to my surprise Ben never once made me feel like the greater sinner, though our pre-conversion lives were nearly opposite. Ben understood his own depravity and need for grace. That caused Ben to see us as equal recipients of His grace. It made conversation with Ben easy and safe for me.
HA : What has your first year of marriage taught you ?
ET : Marriage has taught me that although I’ve been made new, I’m still often plagued with fallen flesh and a desire to have my own way and not the Lord’s. This is also true for Ben. As wise as I had believed I’d become and as perfect, dreamy and intelligent my husband is, we’re both still in need of grace daily. The Lord has humbled us both and we needed it. He’s given us a partner to walk the gospel out with and for that I’m forever grateful. I pray that in the coming years we grow in our love, patience, wisdom and trust God to continue the good work that He started in us.
HA : Last year, you shared the tragic news of suffering a miscarriage. How did Ben and yourself handle this difficult period of your life ?
ET : Ben was incredible. He was devastated, when I first contacted him at work to tell him I was going to the hospital. He wept and expressed sorrow for our child and me. By the time he got to my side, he had put aside his own grieving and gave me the floor to hurt for the next few weeks while he patiently loved and served me. I saw two sides of Ben : a dad who was mourning the loss of a child and a husband willing to put his feelings on the ” back burner ” for some of my darkest moments. He provided a shoulder to lean on and comfort. I loved him even more because of the miscarriage.
HA : Finally, what advice would you share with those aspiring to be married ?
ET : To those desiring marriage, knowing the spiritual condition of the person you’re considering is the highest priority. I don’t say this because I learned the hard way. It’s something I believe Ben and I did rightly. Before we allowed ourselves to develop incredibly strong feelings for one another, we discussed doctrine, theology and the fruit in our lives. We talked about literally every topic we could think of for weeks. Once I was convinced that Ben could lead me spiritually and Ben was convinced that I love the Lord and was seeking to honor Him, did we move beyond that. Romantic feelings alone cannot be what a relationship is based on.
Desiring God has an article called “When the Not-Yet Married Meet.” In it, the author says, “Intimacy is safest in the context of marriage, and marriage is safest in the context of clarity.” That’s the best advice that I could give to a couple considering marriage. Take the time to investigate the other person before your heart jumps in and distorts what you’re seeing. Once you know that person is someone that you desire to marry and that, most importantly, the marriage would honor God, go for it.
Marriage is a wonderful and godly commitment. Being married is challenging, sanctifying and beautiful because He created it for man. Paul encouraged marriage for those that desire it. Ben and I were married within six months of knowing each, (Ben was 20 and Emily was 24 when they got married). While neither of us are perfectly mature or holy, we wouldn’t be in ten more years either, especially as single people. Marriage has been the sharpest tool that he Lord’s given me for growth yet.
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Forgiveness
I can still remember the very day I received the call: “Krystal you need to come home, your mother passed away”
I quickly gathered up my things at work and without looking anyone in the face, rushed to my car, got in and turned the car on. I still didn’t know what to think. I picked up the phone and called the father of my child and asked him to meet me at my house.
When I arrived I saw my mother lying there lifeless. No more breath in her. I climbed into the bed and that’s when everything inside came out. I just cried.
In the days leading up to my mother’s death, I wasn’t around much. I would leave the house every chance I got. Partly because I couldn’t stand to see her in that condition. I can even remember, just a few days before she was taken to the hospital because she was not responding and we were told that it could be any day now. It was hardest thing I was ever told. Even then, I still managed to keep it together and not say a word.
Give your mom a kiss they said, this could be the last day you see her.
With my newborn in my hand, I gave my mom a kiss. I didn’t know God back then and even if I did, me selfishly asking for more time wasn’t going to be granted. My mom was suffering and that was no way to have her live.
I just remember feeling like she gave up. I felt like maybe all my time away from home-made her feel like I didn’t need her anymore. I started to feel guilty and I blamed myself. That’s when the enemy began using my feelings against me. He would always say, you killed your mother. If you were around your mother would still be alive. His lies went on for many years.
See back then I didn’t know what I know today, I just thought it was myself thinking those things but today I know it was the enemy.
See he likes to wait until you’re vulnerable then he strikes. He doesn’t play fair. At any cost he wants to keep you from knowing the truth. And the truth was I wasn’t to blame for my mother’s death and she didn’t just give up. The Lord ways are far above my ways and for reasons that I may not ever understand, He decided that her time here on earth was up.
I didn’t need to blame myself.
Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know if you’re in a situation where you’ve been blaming yourself for something happening and you’re feeling guilty but, I just want to let you know that it’s okay to forgive yourself and it’s okay to ask God to forgive you as well.
He doesn’t want you living in bondage, He longs to free you from that tormented hell you’ve been living in. He wants to hug you, He wants to love on you. He wants to silence the whispering of the enemy in your ears.
I had to forgive myself for hating my mom for leaving me. I had to forgive myself for not being as present as I could have been during the time she was sick. And once I forgave myself, I asked God to forgive me and I even asked my mother for forgiveness. Know that when God says you’ve been forgiven, that’s the end of that misery. The devil no longer has any power over you or that situation.
So I encourage you today to forgive yourself and forgive others as well……
I would love to pray for you. If you have lost someone and you don’t know how to deal with the pain you feel and you’ve been blaming yourself, email me at thepowerofgodlywomen@gmail.com I would love to talk to you and I will gladly pray for you.
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Married & Young's Best of 2016
What a year it has been for Married and Young! Our community has grown tremendously and as we stand on the precipice of 2017, it would only be right if we take a look back at some of the great moments that transpired this year.
1. Great Articles by Great Writers
Married & Young would not be the online community that you love without daily content geared toward singles, dating, engaged and married couples. Here are 5 writers that brought us some of our top articles in 2016:
- Dr. Faith Wokoma-6 Reasons Why Godly Women Should Not Propose to A Man
- Marquitta Rodgers- 5 Types of Women Men Should Pay Close Attention To
- Kay King- Your Future Husband Is A Real Person: 3 Ways to Pray For Him
- Shannon Colar- The Superpower Every Man Needs From Their Woman
- Aleida Lane- How to Remain Celibate While Dating
2. Social Media Growth
We reached more people via our Facebook (47k people engaged) and Instagram (22k people engaged) accounts, which means that more and more singles, dating, engaged and married couples are being enriched by the message of Married & Young!
3. Singles Take Over with TOSC & TOU
We heard our singles loud and clear and we did something about it in 2016. The Online Single’s Conference (TOSC) was hugely successful in March of this year with over 19 speakers and hundreds of registrants. Singles again showed us how serious they were about preparing to not just find the right person but be the right person through their participation in and our launch of The One University (TOU) in November.
4. Founders of Married & Young, Jamal & Natasha Miller, Welcome Baby Girl #2:
Melodie Grace Miller arrived as Jamal’s twin in 2016. Natasha was just an incubator but we watched two young, married people grow deeper in love with not just one but two beautiful baby girls.
5. Surveys, Webinars, and Trainings oh my!
Believe it or not, you’ve only seen a piece of what makes Married and Young relevant, successful and effective. In addition to the webinars and trainings offered consistently throughout 2016, in August, we emailed you a very short survey geared toward singles, dating, engaged and married couples. The information we gained from your participation in the survey was invaluable and helped and continues to help us tailor the content and resources that we provide just for you!
As you can see, Married & Young spread its wings in 2016, but this is just the beginning. 2017, we’re ready for take off so stayed tuned because this year will be record-breaking!
Whether we’re preparing singles, dating and engaged couples for marriage or keeping married couples thriving, enriched and passionate about their spouses the mission of Married and Young is still the same, MARRIAGE GOD’S WAY!
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Honor Thy Father
From the desk of The Modern Day Cindi: Happy Father’s Day! It’s with great pride that I celebrate all fathers in the world, whether present or absent. Today I celebrate my husband as the dynamic man that he is and the awesome father he is already to our child.
As a matter of fact, I honor him as father today just as I always have for the past 7 years. Although our child won’t be born for a few more months, I believe in speaking life into a person regarding who they are called to be.
That’s why I have always celebrated my husband on Father’s Day, not just our seeds, but all the young people he has stood in the gap for when they were in need of a father figure in their life.
Also, on this Father’s Day, in continued remembrance of my deceased dad, I celebrate him and what he represented in my life. Although I did not live in the house with him for an extended period of time, he took very good care of me.
I would venture to say he did the best that he could, even though 9 months out of the year we were separated by approximately 1200 miles. And for that, this post is especially important. So, lean in, pay attention, and keep an open mind.
The bible reminds us (Ephesians 6:2 and Exodus 20:12) to honor thy father and mother. Because of what the word tells us, along with a few observations I have made, I’ve always had an issue with the lack of respect and reverence for fathers that has been passed on over the years. Yes, undoubtedly, mothers do a lot from giving their womb as a place of nurturing, to hopefully continuing that nurturing process after we’re born
But, could it be that the root behind why we don’t see as much honor, reverence, & respect for fathers and the reason the continuous cycle of absence of father’s in the “home” perpetuates is because we constantly accredit all of the efforts and accolades to moms, simultaneously minimizing a man’s contribution to the family?
Let’s examine it! Most people know that men like and need to be validated for their efforts. And yes, while it may not be the same contributions that women provide, fathers provide a significant impact on the lives of their children from their presence alone.
However, due to the skewed perception of their decreased value in the lives of their children, there are many men that will seek validation and affirmation from sources outside of the familiar relationships e.g. work, school, other people, etc.
This is certainly a systemic issue that dates back for generations and therefore, holds all people (both men and women) accountable for the disenfranchisement of father’s in the “home”.
As a growing mommy, I understand that God did intentionally create men and women differently, but that is not an impediment to the value of a father to his children. Men can and will nurture, stay the course, and give all when looked at as a father.
This post by no means is intended to minimize the mental, emotional, physical, etc efforts and sacrifices that mother’s experience. However, it is good to note that many men have also taken to the role as father and caregiver – married and even unmarried. In a society where men may not get the honor or respect they deserve for their service and support to their children because some may deem it “not enough,” it is important to stop comparing the roles of the two and allow Papa to fully embrace his role with pride.
Maybe if we intentionally bring honor to father’s on this day (and every day), we will continue to see an upswing in the role of both parents for the sake of the children.
Now back to my own daddy example. I believe the reason why I had such a phenomenal relationship with my father was not because he was super human or trying to take on the role of my mom, but because neither my mom nor my dad ever spoke ill of one another, not even a subtle hint of negativity (and if they did, it was not around me).
This small thing alone allowed me to honor him as my father and honor my mom as my mother. I was able to see his efforts for what they were, draw my own conclusions, and establish the relationship we needed to have despite the space that separated us.
So again, let’s not forget to give fathers their due and remember that it is possible to honor thy father and mother without dimming the light of one parent to magnify the role of the other. Be well!
We’re almost in month 6 of the pregnancy of our first child and I’m having such a great time. Planning a baby shower, buying baby stuff, choosing baby names, and learning about the pregnancy process & developmental markers of the baby are among the most enjoyable things that I’ve ever done.
For 33 years I have dreamed of being a father; so I sort of expected to enjoy these elements.
Now, what has been totally unexpected about this process is what I have learned about me! Proverbs 4:7 says that whatever we do, we should get wisdom and an understanding. As I have received the blessing and privilege of becoming a father, God has allowed me to grow in wisdom and understand some things. Specifically, there are 3 things I learned about me through the process of my wife’s pregnancy:
1. I have been selfish!
I have realized in two central ways that I have been very selfish.
A) I have not put my wife’s body in the proper context in our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I was not abusive, nor did I look at my wife as a piece of meat. I did, however, fail to realize the pure splendor, strength, and sex appeal that her body possesses.
Watching her body purposely transform, perfectly shift, and automatically adjust to prepare for our child is a testament to God’s greatness and sovereignty and to the power that He has placed in my wife’s body. I had no idea that I was not giving my wife’s body the proper praise and awe that it deserved.
B) I have not placed enough value on quality time (QT) with my wife. In our home, we have date night on a regular. I relegated our QT to just that—date night and love making. Within the past 3 months, I’ve realized that QT goes beyond those two traditional elements. She asked me to read her and our unborn child a bible bedtime story and the look of peace, contentment, and fulfillment that was on her face was…indescribable! It was in this moment that my understanding of “the little things” grew exponentially.
2. I’m afraid. But, I’m strong!
I am scared. I’m scared of failing. I’m afraid of making a mistake that the family cannot recover from. I’m fearful that I won’t be able to lead my family. ALL of these are true. Even though I’m apprehensive, I am not paralyzed!
This fear gives me a bit of an edge, an awareness of the stakes that are at hand, and requires me to perform…to excel! God did not give me a fearful spirit! He did, however, give me 5 senses and a functioning brain that lets me absorb stimuli, situations, and circumstances. Those senses tell me that life is about to change forever and that’s a lot to take in; but I welcome it wholeheartedly.
3. My presence is needed…literally.
We’re all aware of the statistics about the lack of males in the home. I’m obviously in the home and very present during the pregnancy, but there are times when I may not be around for a decision. Or recently, business took us away from each other for about a combined week and it was tough. The support that my wife needs from me can only come from me.
Her friends were there to support her while I was away on business, and her co-workers were there to support her while she was on her business trip, but it was not enough because I wasn’t there. This is not to toot my horn, but it’s a testament of how much spouses should rely on each other. The ways in which I can support, love, under-gird, pray for, massage,make laugh, & comfort my wife cannot come from anyone else but me.
And even though I’ve learned so much throughout this process, it’s still not finished and I’m still learning…
From the Desk of The Modern Day Cindi: There are few things I have considered more challenging as a prophetic person than giving directions with no answers OR bringing validity in ambiguity. Balancing the prophet and the person in marriage is equally interesting.
When I first met my husband, I just started to understand who I was in the kingdom of God. I knew that I received understandings or revelations from the Lord, but I had not yet linked that the open ear to heaven during the night and what I saw during the day was a gift. I did, however, begin to realize something new was happening. And to my delight, the more I pressed in, the more understanding I received.
Naturally, there are insights that God gives and gifts a prophetic person. As a wife and a seer, I believe that the gift has taken on new life as I have been given insights that I did not have before for: protection of the family, to aid in vision delivery, and alignment with God’s will. Because I have been given an opportunity to go beyond the veil, my communication to heaven and hubby has to be well-timed and considerate, placing extra attention to the sensitivity of my spouse because of his role in the marriage, as well as in the kingdom.
As a result, there have been many times that my attempts to deliver insight or revelation to my husband may not have been received or even taken seriously. I had to learn not to let his rebuffs deter what needed to be said as a vessel of the Lord. I also had to consistently undergo a character check to ensure it was not a flaw within myself that has created a barrier or impediment for the word of the Lord being received. Moreover, I had to remind myself not to over-personalize anything and stick to the mission/message at hand.
Equally while concerned about my character, I have to balance that with the word of God. As a prophetic person, even in my spirituality, I am still a human created to do Gods’ will on earth, so the word of the Lord is just as applicable in my life as it is in the lives of others. Therefore, as a wife, I am constantly thinking of not hurting or offending my husband e.g. not being a nag, not destroying communication, building up credibility, and still honoring my spouse.
Hence, although we speak the word of the Lord, we are not God; so with our spouse and the rest of the family unit here are a few things to remember to balance the prophet and the person in the marriage:
- Pray, Pray, Pray. Our first response to everything is prayer, especially in the home. Praying is our first line of defense, our weapon of warfare, and our direct channel to the Lord. We are not praying to get our way, but praying God’s will. It is the only way you can receive the revelation of God and restore peace. (James 5:16)
- God delights in peace, not discord; he is not the author of confusion. (Proverbs 6:19; I Corinthians 14:33)
- Exercise wisdom (Proverbs 4: 6-7)
- Know how to adjust your tone how to approach an area of sensitivity (Proverbs 16: 24 and Proverbs 15:1)
- Don’t be ruled by your emotions Prophetic people are sensitive; super sensitive! I have had to learn through much trial and error not to take anything personal, not to project my opinion, and also know how to let the spirit of the Lord speak when I could not. (Jeremiah 17:9)
It is noble to want to not offend anyone…especially in marriage. Many people have avoided arguments, not spoken their mind, and dodged awkward conversations for the fear of offending their spouse. However, the reality is that offense is bound to happen at least once in your lifetime…and if you are married at least once there too. Although the goal is not to intentionally offend anyone, the key is to be discerning and observant to when offense has occurred and quickly make haste to rectify the situation.
So, can there be reconciliation and restoration after offense? Yes, but the matter lies solely on the two persons involved in the offense. Of course there are different levels to when and how the reconciliation can occur in a marriage, but it can all begin with a sincere, heartfelt apology. A simple “I’M SORRY” can spell out safety, growth, and love in your relationship and prevent an offense from turning into a crippling injury.
So, here are the seven components of An Apology’s Role in Offense:
I – Introspective – It is saying “I own my wrong; I made a mistake or misstep in what I said or how I handled the situation.” This introspective look builds character. It forces you to look inside your ego and pride and take ownership of your offense and how it affects your spouse.
M – Movement – It moves the situation forward to a place where correction and discussion can be had. An apology mellows the person that you’ve hurt and offended. Prov. 15:1 says that a soft answer turns away wrath. By apologizing, you give your loved one an opportunity to calm themselves so that the conflict won’t continue and a resolution can begin to be reached.
S – Spoken – An apology must be spoken. It opens up the lines of communication and it serves as an act of humility and acquiescence. Confession is not silent…It is one thing to know you are wrong, but it is quite another to verbalize it. The spoken word of the apology releases both parties from bondage. James 5:16 says to confess your faults to one another.
O – Original – It has to be original, genuine, and authentic; it must be from the heart! Authenticity can be discerned and you will create even more tension with an unoriginal apology. Don’t make your apology lukewarm. God says that he spews the lukewarm out of his mouth (Rev.3:16) and so shall a lukewarm apology be rejected.
R – Relevant & Responsive – Make sure your apology is relevant and responsive to the issue(s) that caused the offense. Because of pride, you must be careful not to apology for something that wasn’t the issue. An apology that does not address the issue renders it irrelevant and meaningless.
R – Reasonable – An apology should be given in a reasonable manner in a reasonable amount of time. Once you are aware of how your action offended your loved one, then apologize for offending them and seek to understand why they were offended. The apology should provide comfort and solace to “Make for peace and mutual up building” (Romans 14:19).
Y – Yield – An apology should show that you yielded to the bigger picture, correcting an errant action, regardless of being right. There are situations where the offender may actually be justified for their actions. What was said or done was actually correct, but the result was offense. If your action was to correct not condemn, then an apology for the offense will help correct it, assist in extinguishing the emotion of the situation, and help usher in corrective communication because we never want our “good to be evil spoken of” (Romans 14:16).
Remember, apologizing is the first step to reconciliation. It opens your spouse up for further discussion about the issue that caused the offense. An apology does not resolve it, but is a wonderful start. An apology does not mean that the offense won’t be done again, nor does it mean you are automatically forgiven. An apology is, however, a step in the right direction and a sign that the journey towards forgiveness has begun. So apologize…and mean it!
I get really excited when we have guests over. Whether it be for dinner or overnight, I try to make my guests feel welcomed and comfortable. I find joy in serving others. I know I am honoring God by showing love to His people. It is alright if serving doesn’t come naturally for you because it did not come naturally for me.
It took working as an greeter at church and being told that I am the first face that someone see’s and that a warm welcome can start the healing process. I set the tone for a visitors or members experience. I learned to go the extra mile to make people feel special. I want my guests at my home to feel the same way.
Here are 10 tips to make your next home gathering extra special for your guests.
- Greet your guests at the door with a smile and a beverage as soon as they enter.
- Have candles lit to create an ambiance.
- Place fresh flowers in the bathroom with nice printed napkins or a nice printed hand towel.
- Have refreshments or appetizers to snack on while the main dish is being prepared.
- Have small activities or a few toys laid out for the little guests, this makes the little ones feel special.
- Set your table with nice plates, glasses, silverware and napkins. Here is a diagram of a simple way and formal way to set the table. (Image 2)
- Place essential items (travel toothpaste, toothbrushes, mouthwash, lotions etc) in the guest baths and bedrooms for overnight guests.
- Send your guests home with leftovers so they don’t have to cook tomorrow.
- Serve dessert even if it’s just store bought cookies and ice-cream.
- Make your guests plates and serve them at the table instead of a buffet style.
There are many more things that you can do than these 10 things. Just be creative and think about what makes you feel special and do the same for your guests.
