Month: October 2014

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Dating/Courting Home

Date Me, Don't Use Me

Have you ever been in a relationship that you were skeptical about? It only seemed that the person you were dating reached out to you when it was convenient? I can remember the first time I was cheated on. I was so excited that I had just got into a relationship with a young lady who seemed PERFECT!
I was showing a picture of her to a friend who instantly recognized the young lady as his cousin’s girlfriend. Although embarrassed, I played it off like it did not faze me. As you can imagine, I confronted her about it and made the decision to end that situation all together. I figured, we are not married and neither can I see myself planning a future with someone who starts out untrustworthy.
But what about those who stay?
I used to believe that it was common sense for couples who weren’t in covenant relationship to leave the cheater, but more and more I have found that people will stay for reasons that aren’t even worth it. You may have heard some of the excuses, “We look good together though”, “As long as they are here at night”, or the infamous “It’s cool, because I have my own side pieces too!”
While this may seem comical, most of you who are reading this know it to be more than true! In an instance like this, I am always reminded that not everyone understand their worth. Not the cheater or the one being cheated on!
A cheater goes to and from seeking to fill their voids. You can find a cheater getting dressed up and smelling good just to catch whatever would get caught on the hook they reel out. The mistake that the cheater make is not filling their voids with the right stuff, and by neglecting to do so, continues to worsen their predicament.
If my car warns me to refuel, and I fill the tank up with water, if it doesn’t break down first it will completely shut down on me eventually. If the cheater does not seek God to teach them real love and relationship, they will continue to slay the destinies of those they trample over. I am reminded of the scripture in Proverbs 25:28 as the message bible captures the essence of the verse, “A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out.”
In other words, anything and everybody can come in and out as they please because you don’t have the right stuff protecting you from the elements! In relationships, the other person treats you how you treat yourself!
If you know your worth and value, both men and women, then you have given the person you date some standards to reach.  I know you would probably agree with me, that I don’t want to be my mate’s number one; I want to be her ONLY one!
If you are the cheater, be real with God and tell Him that you struggle but want to be free. God will come in and begin to transition you from whom you used to be into who you were called to be. If you are being cheated on, let God know how bad it hurts.
Tell Him that you need help getting rid of the soul tides you’ve developed and that you want God to validate you and not the one that you are dating. For the both of you, pray and ask God to fill every void in EVERY area, because you can’t afford to make a decision one day to spend the rest of your life EMPTY with the wrong person!

Categories
Single

Why I Chose Celibacy? 5 Reasons to Abstain

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Home

Should I Get Married?

I’ve been writing for Married and Young for nearly a year now and I have really enjoyed blogging about being married God’s way. I’ve written about how to learn your spouses language, how to pamper your wife, and even what I learned while courting my wife.
During all of this I overlooked a very important detail. This is all well and good for those who are married, but what about the one who is not married?
What would I say to you?
I would say that while you are single before you begin preparing for marriage, make sure you ask God if you should even be married.
What?….
Doesn’t God want everyone to be married? No, not necessarily. If you ask Paul he says that you can actually be more effective in ministry when you are single. Once you become married you become more preoccupied with what your spouse wants than what God wants (Romans 7:34).
I am by no means saying that you shouldn’t get married so that you can focus on ministry. What I am saying is that you shouldn’t get carried away in what God has not ordained for your life. As with everything you must first seek God. Be not presumptuous and ask Him if marriage is in His plan for your life.
M&Y What are your thoughts on this?
1. Does God want everyone to be married?
2. Does He give us a choice whether or not we marry?

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

The Problem with Dating

Dating is a selection process, to determine whether a person is the right one through compatibility and ‘feel good’ approaches. Courting is a Choosing God’s Best or God’s Word-based selection process- to which you measure the person based on Christ-likeness and suitability.
The problem with dating is that dating (if done without any intention of commitment) is a practice for divorce. For instance, when you or those close to you figure that there is something you don’t like about a person, you’re out- leaving the other person feeling abandoned in thier feelings. Dating gives you the freedom to be more judgmental and critical of the other person. In courtship you focus on yourself and (getting the ‘speck out of your eye’) prepare yourself for the other person- regardless of their flaws and imperfections.
You date often with your guard up, and having many dating partners can take away from you’re “stick-to-it-ness” or your desire to be committed to anyone. Whenever commitment is brought up in a dating relationship- the decision making process to commit to them on greater levels comes with confusion, maybe even contention, as you try to figure out the real reason why you’re in the relationship to begin with.
Courting allows you to hear from God early on and get confirmation that will cause you to develop in your loyalty to them as time goes on. In dating, you can tend to hold the other person at gunpoint- or have an imaginary rubric that you’re grading them on- which in most cases is unfair the other person is revealing their true self (flaws and all). In courtship you shouldn’t have to prove or put pressure on yourself to be a specific person.
In courtship- Be yourself! Courtship is when you allow yourself and the other person to be who they are- and you allow God’s word concerning husband and wife to guide you in the match-making process. This process helps you work on forgiveness, transparency, reconciliation; and if there is a rupture in the relationship, restoration is another process. Dating teaches breaking up as a means to resolve issues. Courtship teaches making up, restoration, reconciliation, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
Courtship prepares you to be a gift to the other person, and even with ths other person’s flaws and all, you allow God to present that person to you as a gift. For two are better than one. How great is it to have another person in your life who prays for you on the companionship level- and their committed.
Courtship brings about transparency. Dating protects only you and not the other person. Courtship is when you both fight together. Dating brings about hidden agendas, secrets, and unfair expectations on the other person through veiled emotions.
In the back of a dating person’s mind is the question: “Can I really be loyal to this person?” In courtship, you answer that question early on with the help of the Holy Spirit, and you understand that I can be loyal to the person with God’s help (to which there is nothing that can separate us except God’s revelation to the both of us).
However the problem exists when two people are in a relationship, but one person is dating (them in their mind) and the other is courting (the other person in their mind). In that situation, there is no mutual agreement (Amos 3:3). This means you two need to start talking, reasoning, and consider what is before you. If not, in this scenario, there will be a clash of intention, will, and desire. This could lead to one person being covenant minded, and the other person convenience minded moving forward.
There needs to be an understanding, that if Christ is in this relationship then we must acknowledge Him first, and He will direct your paths. Prayer, fasting, and studying the Word together will allow you to grow together in the Vision of God for your lives. Do not allow the enemy to divide you amongst wills, but get on the same page through commitment, loyalty, and purity first.
 
 
M&Y Guest Writer: Brian K.Cunningham is a highly sought after motivational speaker, life coach. An ordained minister and author of 7 books ranging from self-help to fiction, Brian is a proven leader amongst his peers. Brian has a B.S. in Psychology, M.A. in Teaching, and a Doctorate in Christian Education & Counseling. Brian is a Board certified Pastoral Counselor and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Brian is available for conferences, retreats, Christian counseling and small group sessions. Brian’s ministry specializes in deliverance, healing, restoration, reconciliation, faith, stewardship, all in the name of Christian education and counseling.
 
 

Categories
Engaged Marriage

Is Your Marriage Purpose Driven?

In order to have a purpose Driven Marriage, you must operate in the:
The power of Agreement
Amos 3:3 states clearly, “How can two people walk together unless they can agree…?” As couple, we must work out every issue with agreement in mind. Two people must be courageous enough to see eye to eye or else they’ll be going ‘eye for an eye’.
A couples’ maturity depends on their mutual understanding of the purpose for their relationship. Whenever one or both people don’t understand the purpose of dating, courting, or marriage then abuse is inevitable. This means that you will destroy a relationship, if there is no purpose or mutual end goal. I’ve set in my heart that dating is for marriage.
Courtship is to discover yourself and the other person in relationship to you being “God’s Best” for them in the aspect of service, sacrifice, and suitability. Marriage is when you bring all that you are into a loving, committed, and Holy union. Therefore, there has to be some strict agreements. Before you marry a person, check their commitment history. Do they break commitments often? Do they have a shaky relationship history when it comes to keeping their word? Marriage is not a contract but marriage is Covenant. Contracts can be broken, but covenant commitments are purposed last a lifetime.
The power of Emergence
A sense of urgency is so important for couples to make it last. Acts 2:45 expresses that the early church sold their possessions and lived as though Christ were coming back soon. Well, in a covenant relationship, there should be an urgency of care, concern, and compassion for one another. This means that a couple should be willing to drop any and everything and consider their marriage as priority.
This means that they should learn the principle of: Stop, Serve, and Sacrifce. Yes, both individuals in a courtship or marriage relationship need to know when to slow down. take time out to serve one another and sacrificially sow value into their relationship so that it can produce good fruit.
The Power of Reciprocity
To be on one accord, means that a couple must learn to build upon a healthy foundation of positive: feedback, counsel, and resolution. In other words, a couple should always be talking about the issues that matter to them the most without allowing themselves to hoard or harbor insecurities. There needs to be a healthy dialogue regarding their husband and wife roles and a consistent vision or goal setting session to help them hold each other accountable. Yes, the marriage and family should operate like a small business with unconditional love as the dynamic that holds everything together.
 
M&Y Guest Writer: Brian K.Cunningham is a highly sought after motivational speaker, life coach. An ordained minister and author of 7 books ranging from self-help to fiction, Brian is a proven leader amongst his peers. Brian has a B.S. in Psychology, M.A. in Teaching, and a Doctorate in Christian Education & Counseling. Brian is a Board certified Pastoral Counselor and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Brian is available for conferences, retreats, Christian counseling and small group sessions. Brian’s ministry specializes in deliverance, healing, restoration, reconciliation, faith, stewardship, all in the name of Christian education and counseling.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Uncategorized

The Rules of War: Five Ways of Fighting Fair

Categories
Finances Marriage

3 Ways To Stop Living Paycheck to Paycheck

When I graduated from college, I made $30,000 a year, owed $60,000 in student loans, and was not able to make ends meet. I graduated top of my class in high school, went to a top university, and there I was…young and broke. You know the saying, “…when you find yourself with more month than money”. Yea, that was me. I was in that paycheck to paycheck rut.
But by the grace and favor of God, I learned to break the cycle and master my money. I make more now than I did as a recent grad. But more money alone didn’t break my paycheck to paycheck cycle, and it won’t break yours. The 3 steps below will.

1. Know where your money goes

One of the worst things you can do is fall behind on your bills and obligations, especially when you’re young. Late fees and interest (on debt) will make sure your paycheck stays consumed by bills. And when all of your money is spent on bills, you won’t get ahead. So your first priority is to make sure you don’t fall [further] behind.
But many of us don’t even realize that we are behind, and you won’t realize it until you know where your money is going.
The concept is simple: subtract your monthly bills from your monthly income. What’s left is your “free spending” money. If what’s left over is negative, you owe more than you actually make each month! You’re in the hole and need to do whatever necessary to dig yourself out. For me, this was getting a second job to help close the gap, until I could figure out a longer-term solution. Back then, that solution was to make more money, but I quickly found that more money wasn’t the answer.

2.  Aim to spend less, while working to make more

More money helps, but if your spending grows right along with it, you’ll continue to live paycheck to paycheck. I’ve been there! Within 6 years of graduating my salary more than tripled, but so did my expenses and debt. Needless to say, I saw the same struggle.
Breaking out of the struggle is less about how much you make, and more about what you do with what you have. If all of your money is going toward bills, or groceries, or entertainment, or any other item not helping you break out of your struggle, you need to cut back. Cut down to those items that you truly need. Ask yourself what are you willing to sacrifice now for a better future?
If you know where your money is going (from step #1), it’s easier to know where you can cut back. Track your “everyday” spending in addition to your monthly bills, and you will be surprised at what you find. You’ll see how those trips to Target and McDonalds add up!
For me, this was getting rid of cable, cutting back on other entertainment, hair products (#teamnatural!), and food, food, and more food.

3. Put the extra money towards things that will keep the cycle broken!

Cutting back is not fun or easy. I get it. But it gets easier when the money goes toward a better future. Getting rid of cable, so you can pay the light bill isn’t as fun as getting rid of cable, so you can build up your travel fund.That’s why #2 is so important. Minimize your bills so that your money can go toward things that allow you to do more, without being set back.
I cut back severely to save for our wedding, and we paid for it in full. I’m still on a tight budget to pay off student loans. I’ve set goals to make my future easier, but it requires I sacrifice a little right now.
As we get older, we want to do more stuff and enjoy life more. Think now about some of those things you’ll want to do in the future. Reward your future self with an emergency fund, a shopping fund, investments, and other financial goals that will make your current financial struggle temporary, breaking the paycheck to paycheck cycle.

Categories
Marriage

3 Ways to Keep God's Love In Your Marriage

When We Become Nothing
by Sarah Westbrook
Love. We are exactly nothing without it. (1 Corinthians 13:2)
If you grabbed the most incredible person that exists on the planet (think of that person that pierces your heart and blows your mind), who has fulfilled jaw-dropping good things with God. If you remove love from them – they are reduced to nothing. Why do we fight so hard to be other things that we think are good and valuable? Probably because His love is so inhuman. It is radical. It is earth shaking. It is 1 Corinthians 13!
Where Is the Gospel In Our Marriage?
Five years ago, I was present when a man from Africa was asked “Why does your country see more miracles than we do here?” He replied, “Because we have no other options”. Because of their humble lifestyle, they reach for and experience His love and His power.
Our “options” and “negotiations” around His ways have so clearly crashed and burned in failure. If we would act like this wonderful people group from Africa and grasp that there are no other options for us, then we would have the gospel in our marriage. Power and love would be present and played out because we are grabbing ahold of it. I am beginning to understand that when God’s Kingdom comes to us and into our lives, it will probably look pretty foreign. It won’t look like anything we could ever do or be on our own.
Examine What Your Heart Treasures.
It’s not the outside world that wrecks us. Defilement happens inside our hearts. (Matthew 15:18-20) Where is our heart for each other? That is our ministry above all else. Allowing our feelings to call the shots and run the show has become so common. We freely judge each other.
We lean on our own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5-6) We forget all about speaking our spouse’s love language to them. We allow our love for them to get crowded out and turned off. We forget to recognize the good traits that God put in us for each other that we need so much. It’s not the outside world that defiles us. Defilement happens inside our hearts. (Matthew 15:18-20)
In my case, this especially takes place when the odyssey of raising children is underway. I get fixated on how uncomfortable I am, being pushed so far past my capabilities, riding a crash course of self-absorption obliteration, and living in the blazing reality that I feel no control of anything under the sun. I’m suddenly reminded that before I was my kids’, I was my husband’s.
A few ways to keep God’s love in your marriage:
 1. Be in His presence to receive love. Be a person that interacts with Him minute by minute and therefore remains in His transforming presence. The Kingdom of God is ‘at hand’. He is at our fingertips. “The Kingdom of God is not a matter of talk; it is living by God’s power.” – 1 Corinthians 4:20
 2. Fight for your spouse. War for them through prayer. Pray down His kingdom come in them and in the process your love for them gets turned on and you gain God’s unsurpassable heart for them.
3. Love your spouse from God’s perspective. Love them through their failures, incompleteness, and transformations. Tap into God’s feelings, compassion and plans for them.

Categories
Home Marriage

Is Your Marriage Fireproof?

My husband and I watched the movie Fireproof this weekend. I urge all married couples and engaged couples to watch it as well. While watching the movie, all I could think was, “Is MY marriage fireproof?” I want to share with you a few things I learned from the movie.
Most people have a fight or flight mentality. When conflict arises are you going to stay and fight or run and leave (flight)? For me, I have a flight mentality. When serious conflict arises, I just want to run away and be left alone. As a married person, this is not fair to my husband who has a fight mentality.
One quote from the movie that stood out to me is, “Fireproof doesn’t mean that a fire will never come… But that when it comes, you’ll be able to withstand it.”
This quote stuck out to me because conflict will come in marriage, but when it does come are you strong enough to withstand it. Are you going to unite with your spouse and commit to getting through this tough time together or are you going to give up at the first sign of trouble. Even if your spouse is not committed, you should still be committed to making your marriage work.
This leads me to the next quote, “Never leave your partner behind, especially in a fire.”
When you get married, you are one. How silly would it be to leave yourself? Imagine firefighters fighting a massive fire. At that moment, the firefighters need each other the most to ensure safety and survival. When fires come in your marriage, that is when your spouse needs you the most. You wouldn’t purposely leave yourself stranded in the middle of a forest fire or outside in a hurricane, so why would you leave your spouse stranded in the middle of a fire pertaining to your marriage?
Another quote that stood out to me is, “God made marriage to be for life. That’s why you gotta keep your vows to your spouse. You gotta ask God to teach you how to be a good husband/wife. And don’t just follow your heart, because your heart can be deceived. But you gotta lead your heart.”
Feelings are fickle. You may not always feel like loving your spouse. You may not always feel like being a good wife. You may not feel like keeping the vows you made on your wedding day because things are hard now, and it wasn’t on your wedding day. You have to make a choice and a commitment to lead your feelings. You have to make a choice to do the right thing and show your spouse love and respect even when you FEEL he/she doesn’t deserve it. Pray about it. God will show you how. Remember you vowed for better or for worse. Worse will come. Remember the commitment you made before God, your family, and your friends.
I would love to hear from you. How do you plan on ensuring your marriage is Fireproof?

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

4 Reasons why God Created Marriage

There are many great reasons to get married, for believers several of those reasons should be because we want to partner with God and his heart around this topic.  I am going to briefly share 4 biblical reasons for marriage. Most people view marriage as something solely for the two people and sometimes the extended family but God has some particular things he would like to see us model in marriage as well.
1. The kingdom is a family – The father, son and the Holy Spirit are one, they are a family. In their relationship we see the love of a father through father God, the submission of a loyal son, and his passion for a bride his church, and the compassion of  comforter, Holy Spirit. Jesus dying for the church should be modeled daily in the husbands pursuit for the wife, the honor and submission of the church to Jesus should be modeled daily through the wife.
2. Marriage is for communion and comfort–  We all have read the scripture in Genesis 2:18 that says man should not be alone. God created marriage so that we could have a partner through life, someone to walk every day out with, someone for communion, fellowship and comfort.
3.Multiply and be fruitful– Genesis 1:28 commands us to be fruitful and multiply. As believers we should have children, and in my opinion a lot of them. Every other religion sees the benefit of increasing their religion through children, I believe God has called us to expand the kingdom of God by raising mighty arrows/ children in the lord, for those who may not be able to conceive, adoption is always an option. Adoption is another way to show God’s love as we all have been adopted into the kingdom of God, do not ever be afraid to go that route. Moreover, as married couples our fruitfulness should not end with our children but in helping raise up spiritual children through mentoring and spiritual parenting, if we have a Godly heritage we can pass it and be fruitful by finding others to pour into.
4.Display of God’s love– A marriage should model and imitate the love of Jesus, when people look at your marriage they should want to know God better. The way we love our spouse should reflect the love God has for his children and vice a versa. We were all made for love, marriage is a way to display that love to the world.