It’s the age-old question that has sparked debate all around the world. I’m sure that no matter how many people you ask, you’ll always get a different response. So what’s mine? I absolutely believe you can be best friends with or have close friends of the opposite sex while in a dating relationship.
Disclaimer: This opinion is derived from my own life experiences.
So, nowhere in the bible does it say opposite sex individuals cannot be friends. I believe opposite sex friendship is another thing the world got it’s hands on and perverted. With that being said, I agree that you must be very vigilant with friends of the opposite sex, ensuring there are no ulterior motives.
But, not everyone has an ulterior motive; not every opposite sex friend desires to sleep with one another or date. Some actually just want to be friends! I think one’s ability to be friends with the opposite sex is based on their level of maturity.
Here are a few tips to maintaining a healthy relationship and having friends of the opposite sex:
1. Communicate– My significant other and I ask each others permission before hanging out with our friends. Its not a control thing, but we need to be on the same page at all times. No, we’re not married and technically don’t need each other’s permission, but it’s a matter of respect. Also, be honest. If you have an unsettling feeling, speak on it.
2. Be inclusive- If your significant other wants to tag along, why not? I personally make sure I always offer. I never want my “him” to feel as if I’m hiding anything, including him.
3. Use wisdom and discernment– Now let’s be honest, there are those males and females that will try to snatch the title “best friend” just to get close to someone. I personally feel like you know when someone likes you, or at least you suspect it. At that time, its imperative that you draw the line and remove yourself from the friendship.
4. Set boundaries– Your opposite sex friends CAN NOT be equal to your mate! PERIOD.POINT.BLANK. These boundaries don’t have to be formally written out, but definitely acted upon. I personally do not hang with any of my male friends late at night. According to my “him”, he doesn’t take any female phone calls after 10pm.
5. Finally, ALWAYS put your significant other first- It amazes me how many people in relationships post more pictures of their “friends” than their “significant other”. HUGE NO NO! No matter who your friends are, everyone should always be able to point out your significant other. Its simply a matter of respect.
Now I know this wont work for everyone. Some are firm believers that males and females shouldn’t be friends, while others are too jealous to even consider it. But for those of us whole believe opposite sex individuals can be friends, be sure to follow the list above! It works quite well for me! REMEMBER…the key to success is MATURITY and RESPECT!
XOXO
Shannon C Colar
Lovebyencouragement.com
Month: May 2015
We’re almost in month 6 of the pregnancy of our first child and I’m having such a great time. Planning a baby shower, buying baby stuff, choosing baby names, and learning about the pregnancy process & developmental markers of the baby are among the most enjoyable things that I’ve ever done.
For 33 years I have dreamed of being a father; so I sort of expected to enjoy these elements.
Now, what has been totally unexpected about this process is what I have learned about me! Proverbs 4:7 says that whatever we do, we should get wisdom and an understanding. As I have received the blessing and privilege of becoming a father, God has allowed me to grow in wisdom and understand some things. Specifically, there are 3 things I learned about me through the process of my wife’s pregnancy:
1. I have been selfish!
I have realized in two central ways that I have been very selfish.
A) I have not put my wife’s body in the proper context in our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I was not abusive, nor did I look at my wife as a piece of meat. I did, however, fail to realize the pure splendor, strength, and sex appeal that her body possesses.
Watching her body purposely transform, perfectly shift, and automatically adjust to prepare for our child is a testament to God’s greatness and sovereignty and to the power that He has placed in my wife’s body. I had no idea that I was not giving my wife’s body the proper praise and awe that it deserved.
B) I have not placed enough value on quality time (QT) with my wife. In our home, we have date night on a regular. I relegated our QT to just that—date night and love making. Within the past 3 months, I’ve realized that QT goes beyond those two traditional elements. She asked me to read her and our unborn child a bible bedtime story and the look of peace, contentment, and fulfillment that was on her face was…indescribable! It was in this moment that my understanding of “the little things” grew exponentially.
2. I’m afraid. But, I’m strong!
I am scared. I’m scared of failing. I’m afraid of making a mistake that the family cannot recover from. I’m fearful that I won’t be able to lead my family. ALL of these are true. Even though I’m apprehensive, I am not paralyzed!
This fear gives me a bit of an edge, an awareness of the stakes that are at hand, and requires me to perform…to excel! God did not give me a fearful spirit! He did, however, give me 5 senses and a functioning brain that lets me absorb stimuli, situations, and circumstances. Those senses tell me that life is about to change forever and that’s a lot to take in; but I welcome it wholeheartedly.
3. My presence is needed…literally.
We’re all aware of the statistics about the lack of males in the home. I’m obviously in the home and very present during the pregnancy, but there are times when I may not be around for a decision. Or recently, business took us away from each other for about a combined week and it was tough. The support that my wife needs from me can only come from me.
Her friends were there to support her while I was away on business, and her co-workers were there to support her while she was on her business trip, but it was not enough because I wasn’t there. This is not to toot my horn, but it’s a testament of how much spouses should rely on each other. The ways in which I can support, love, under-gird, pray for, massage,make laugh, & comfort my wife cannot come from anyone else but me.
And even though I’ve learned so much throughout this process, it’s still not finished and I’m still learning…
1) Get some rest
It’s so common for the average person to become overworked by their jobs, school, children, etc. This can result in dehydration, lack of sleep, hormonal imbalances, or just plain exhaustion. Multiply those feelings by 2, and it’s a relationship recipe for disaster.
As a couple, intentionally taking a day or a weekend out to dedicate to rest will give your relationship a natural pick-me-up, almost instantly. Saying “no” to this little tasks for a day frees you up to say “yes” to your spouse.
2) Carve out time to talk
Communication is key. Whether there has been a short lull in your marriage, or there have been weeks worth of spats to work through, it’s time for a long, healthy talk. Before you communicate, make sure that you have at least an hour or more to spare.
The last thing you need is to finally be getting to the root of an issue and suddenly have to leave without reconciliation. Take your time both listening and talking, because this is an investment in the future of your marriage. This is not a time to argue, but rather a time to acheive mutual understanding. When you’ve come to a point of peace, seal it with a prayer.
3) Try something new
Simply being bored can be the very thing squashing your love life. Go out salsa dancing, rent a redbox movie, take a daycation, or just try something exciting and new in bed. Stray as far away from the mundane as possible. The key is switching things up and keeping things interesting.
Before running to a friend to vent or jumping to a counselor for advice, first make sure you’re not just tired, misunderstood or bored. The lull in your love life can honestly be a combination of the three. These often overlooked concepts are simple to install, yet they have the power reignite the fire within your marriage.
Categories
6 Ways To Ruin Your Wife's Day
Husbands & Wives should always be building each other up and adding to one another’s lives; well, that should be the goal anyway. Unfortunately, sometimes we do the exact opposite and end up ruining our spouse’s day. Husbands, here are 6 ways to ruin your wife’s day and some solutions to try to avoid doing so:
1. Don’t Show Leadership In The Home
I agree with John Maxwell’s wisdom that Leadership is Influence. If you want to ruin your wife’s day this is a big one. Does she see you sitting in front of the TV more than she does playing, instructing, and caring for the children? Women become extremely frustrated when they feel their man has no vision for the family. She probably has all kinds of dreams, plans, and memories she wants to create alongside you. Tell your wife that you want to talk about influencing the family more. Then, set up a time to share how you both feel about your leadership in the family and what needs to change so that your wife can feel you have as much passion for the growth of the family as she does.
2. Big Impact At Work and Small Impact At Home
Imagine coming home from work and you telling your wife that you have put together a plan to grow the business by 10% over the next year. Imagine telling your wife that your boss recently applauded the new project you completed and he said he would tell his higher-ups about it too. If you want to ruin your wife’s day, do great at work, focus on work, spend your all your energy on work, and yet continually struggle in the home. Some wives may simply be thankful their husband has a job and a paycheck, but that’s not what the “Trailer Club” is all about. We are about winning in all aspects of life. Just as you probably wouldn’t imagine leading your business without having a well thought out strategic plan, it is the same with your family. Start making time–a weekly meeting perhaps—to talk with your wife about family priorities and plan goals. Here are some ideas to consider as you plan to make a Big Impact At Home:
- Family Outings for the next 6 months
- Dinner Time Experiences that grow family closer
- Date Nights put in calendar
- Prayer times as a family
- Budget/Money items that need to be saved for
- Adventure Times As A Family
- Teaching kids business, tithing, work ethic, etc
3. Don’t Help Her out—be Selfish Instead of Generous
Are men selfish? Yes. Are women selfish? Yes. Do women generally feel like they give more in a relationship than men? Maybe. If you want to ruin your wife’s day, do only what you feel is adequate. I grew up in a household that after we ate dinner, my dad and I went into the living room to watch TV while my mom and two sisters cleaned the table and washed the dishes. I remember visiting my wife’s house while we were engaged and seeing her dad help clear the table and wash dishes too. I witnessed sincere generosity and helpfulness in action and decided I wanted to be that kind of man in my family. If you are generous in your service, compliments, encouragement, and other ways, your wife’s days will be blessed, not ruined.
4. Communicating Poorly To Her
You know that one of the most common frustrations employees have in the workplace is lack of communication from their managers, colleagues, etc. In a similar way, if you want to ruin your wife’s day then keep on communicating in ways that frustrate her. Because differing personalities often take different tones and approach situations differently, you will need to learn her language and be a good listener. Ask questions about her day, actively engage in the conversation with her, and don’t make a habit of allowing your phone to interrupt your conversations. Turn off the phone and turn your whole body towards her. Give her your full attention. It would be a good idea to ask her how she feels about your communication and be receptive to her specific observations.
5. Wait Until 9PM to be Romantic—in Other Words, Forget Everything you did to Pursue Her Heart While you were Dating
The day is coming to a close. You may have been out with a friend and walked back in the house at 9pm. Or, maybe it’s Sunday night and the big football game just ended around 10pm. You will ruin your wife’s day if you only spend focused time romancing her right before you hope to be intimate with her. There’s a thousand other ways to express how enraptured you are with her. Don’t forget about the ways you romanced her when your relationship was young. Learn her unique love language and speak it often—not only right before ‘bed.’ Here are some ideas in case you need reminding:
- Greeting her with a hug or passionate kiss when you see each other after work.
- Continue to take her on dates. Take her out on the town and to her favorite spots.
- Play board games with her, or share a book together, or snuggle on the couch for a movie.
- Ask her what she needs prayer for and pray together on a regular basis.
- Encourage her and praise her. Notice and appreciate her work and what she accomplishes with her time.
- Help her with any responsibilities she has—relieve her stress by sharing the load with her.
- And don’t forget the little things, men—like manners. Act like a gentleman not a Jr. High fart-machine. Take care of yourself and what’s yours—don’t live like a college-boy slob. Treat her like the priceless lady she is—go out of your way to show honor by opening doors for her, etc.
There are a number of ways to pursue her besides leading her to bed. Let creative romance continue forever.
6. Try to Fix her All the Time
Empathy is a something your wife needs you to master, or at least make an effort to grow in. If you want to ruin your wife’s day, then try to fix everything she talks about, or give her a solution to every concern she brings up, or try to talk her out of all the emotions she feels. Your wife wants to share with you and have you empathize with her. She want you to try to understand the challenges she has. If your wife is more emotional about things than you are, she wants you to understand why. If your wife is highly passionate about growing her business, she wants you to understand why. If your wife is on the edge when it comes to discussing the life of your kids, she wants you to understand why. The key is to not discount your wife’s weaknesses, challenges, and concerns by quickly spouting out what she should have done or could do differently next time. Don’t give her the impression that you are there to be her ‘life coach,’ Mr. Fix It. You’ll make her day if you are a friend that accepts her where she’s at and actively listens, cares, and responds.
Question: Do you struggle with one of these more than the others?
Categories
5 Ways to Serve Your Husband Weekly
As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19). Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
Guest Writer: Marymagdaline Onyango
Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her.”
We’ve seen and heard this verse time and time again, but what does living it out daily truly look like? In order to understand what that looks like, we must first define the roles we each have as men and women in a marital relationship. I think this is something that many of us struggle with. Especially when we live in a society that constantly tells us that being a “twenty-something” is all about jumping around and experiencing it all, rather than focusing on and being disciplined in who God has created us to be as individuals and as relational people.
“Husbands, love your wives.” Understanding the first part of this verse is key to comprehending the role of a man in marriage. The verse doesn’t say husbands treat your wife like property, or husbands you are the dictator. It specifically says love. “Love your wives.” Loving your wife means teaching your wife, guiding your wife, protecting your wife, treasuring your wife and also confiding in and trusting in your wife.
“…just as Christ loves the church.” When loving in this way, the husband gives up himself to the love of his wife, just as Christ gave himself up. This means loving your wife as part of yourself, not apart from oneself. This is SO powerful. Think about all the ways Christ gave himself up for the church, for us, dying on the cross for our sins. Think of how painful that was, and he endured it just so that we could live and live abundantly. Husband, loving your wife is not always easy; it comes with a lot of responsibility. It may sometimes be painful, but the role is powerful and can be truly rewarding and beautiful. Honoring your wife and loving her is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, to Christ, and her.
Now, as women, many times we read this verse and think, “oh, see,he’s GOT to love me the right way, or else I don’t have to put in the work!! It says it right here, Husbands LOVE your wives, not the other way around!!” What we are forgetting, is that little verse that comes before the husbands command that says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your OWN husbands as you do to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22) i.e. not submitting to anyone else’s husband, your mom, dad, friends or brother, but your OWN husband.
As women, our role is so important, and is one of the toughest jobs in a relationship. It is what keeps the relationship going. Submission is more than being a “yes girl,” it’s having the strength to listen to your husband and guide him, even when you want to jump ahead of him. It’s bigger than your feelings, or who you think you are, or what you think you are not going to be and do. It’s about honoring God and trusting in the God in your husband enough to submit to him. It is truly the essence of what it means to be your husband’s help-mate.
Ephesians gives us the perfect guide in how to daily contribute to a healthy and successful marriage. But, we can’t reap what we don’t sow. I encourage you today, husband, to sow love and self-sacrifice into your marriage. And, I encourage you today, wives, to sow submission, obedience, and support into your marriage.
About: Marymagdaline Onyango
Born and raised in Virginia, with deep Kenyan roots, Marymagdaline has always considered herself a lover of two homes, one in East Africa and the other in Virginia. A recent graduate from the University of Virginia with a Bachelors of Arts in African and African American Studies and Foreign Affairs with an African Concentration, she now lives in the Washington, DC area working in the non-profit sector.
She has a passion for young women and girls and has traveled to Trinidad, Australia, Dominican Republic, Kenya, India, and Europe to volunteer and connect with women across the globe. Since graduation her heart was convicted by the Lord to start her blog www.prayactthink.com to help and minister to young women through her life experiences and the word of the Lord. She met her now Fiancé a few years ago, right when God knew she needed him the most, and will soon be married. They both love to guide and mentor others to help them fulfill their God-led purpose.
Categories
How Often Do Men Need to Have Sex
This is a great article written by a marriage and relationship expert, Shaunti Fieldhahn! Don’t forget the early bird rate for Sex Without Sheets Marriage Conference ends this Sunday! Don’t miss out on this amazing conference that will surely bless you and your spouse!
Click here to register!
Dear Shaunti,
You’re the researcher, so please tell me the real answer: How often do guys need to have sex? I just don’t think about sex much; I guess it isn’t a need for me. But my husband says he thinks about it all the time, and he gets crabby that I’m often too tired. Even though I can go weeks or months and not miss it, since he can’t, I try to do the right thing. But oddly, even though he says he’s “deprived”, when I tell him “okay” that just makes him mad. He says he wants me to want it like he does. I feel like I can’t win. But if I knew how often a man needs sex I could plan on that, and hopefully that would help.
– Not Feeling Frisky
Dear Not Feeling Frisky,
How would you feel if you told your husband, “I need to hear you say ‘I love you’,” and he heaved a big sigh and said, “Okay, I’ll try to say it. But how often do you need to hear it? Is once a week okay? Whatever it is, tell me, and I’ll plan on that.”
My guess is, you’d be really hurt. You’d be thinking, He supposedly loves me, but he has to force himself to dredge up the willpower to show me love? Maybe he doesn’t really love me like he says he does.
You wouldn’t be hurt because he didn’t say “I love you” enough times. You’d be hurt because of what it implied. Maybe it means he doesn’t care about you. Maybe, you might think, it means you really aren’t even all that lovable.
Sex works the exact same way for most men. In the research, there seems to be no one standard amount of sex that men “need” to have; it is what sex signals to them that is important. Your sexual actions signal: I desire you; You are desirable; I want to be with you in that way; You make me feel amazing; I want to show you how much I care about you; and on and on.
We women think of sex as being primarily a physical need for a man: but it isn’t. One of a man’s deepest emotional needs is to feel that his wife desires him. And if he sees that his wife desires him, it gives him a sense of well-being in all the other areas of his life. But if she shows <big sigh> “Okay, fine, let’s get this over with,” then it is clear to him that she doesn’t desire him, he’s no good at trying to make her feel amazing, he must be completely undesirable… and that she doesn’t really care about him the way she says she does.
In the research with men and women, it was very clear that most women (although certainly not all) simply have a different type of desire than men. We need to be approached differently. Most women simply don’t think about sex as often as men do.
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