Tag: married and young

Categories
Communication Marriage

3 Lessons I Learned Early On In My Marriage

In July of this year my husband and I will be celebrating 3 years of marriage. I know a lot of people say that you will not truly experience a marriage “milestone” until you have been married 5 or more years, but I beg to differ. I personally believe that in marriage you will reach many milestones from the moment you say “I Do”. It’s all about your mindset and perspective. I want to share with you three lessons that I have learned thus far!

1. Never Stop Serving Your Spouse: Before I got married I enjoyed hosting events and planning get-togethers with friends and family. It was something about creating an atmosphere that was conducive for great fellowship and conversations. Being a wife now, I see how my desire to serve my family and friends is playing into my passion to do the same for my husband. I know that there can be times where you want to be the one being “served” versus the “one serving”. Yet, once you have settled in your heart that whatever you do for your spouse you are ultimately doing unto the Lord, your whole processing will change and you will find joy in knowing that God is ultimately pleased in what you are doing. Your whole definition and level of serving will grow and your husband and family will receive the benefit! Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you Do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that  you will receive an inheritance from the Lord” 
2. Marriage is about Sacrifice: I did not know how selfish I was until I got married! I thought I was a pretty good catch, I was accustomed to sacrificing certain things as an unmarried woman but not to the extent of what I have experienced thus far in my marriage. I have learned that in marriage it’s not going to be about you all the time and that you have to be willing to lay down your life in order to help your spouse get to his or her destiny and purpose for a season. It does not mean that your destiny or purpose will be delayed, it means that it will be enhanced and enriched even the more because of your willingness to sacrifice and honor your spouse through the journey of their lives. John 15:13-14 “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for ones friends. You are my friends if you do what I command”.

3. Have Fun: I am learning that marriage has its ups and downs but the one thing that has the ability to keep your marriage exciting and hopeful is your ability to ENJOY your spouse. I am learning more and more everyday the power of laughter and spontaneous conversations and dates! Don’t forget the reason you married your spouse.  Do not allow the enemy to steal the joy and laughter out of your marriage. If he can steal your hope for the future he can gain access into your marriage. Enjoy your husband or wife and know that in every season you both are growing stronger and wiser together. Proverbs 15:13 “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”.

I pray these three points encouraged you whether you have been married  a few months or many years! Remember that marriage is a blessing from God and that God desires to receive the glory through your life personally as well as through your marriage. Continue to shine bright!

Categories
Marriage

How to Be There When Your Spouse is Grieving

On March 22nd 2015, I received a phone call from my Uncle Earl. He called to see how I was settling in to my new home in Georgia. I expressed to him how nice it was to get away from the hustle and bustle of NYC. I talked to him about his knee surgery and he told me he was doing well. Midnight of March 23rd, I received a call from my dad.
He informed me that my uncle had passed away. My heart fell to pieces. I cried into my husband’s shoulders as it all sank in. I mourned not only for my uncle, but for my cousins’ loss and my father’s loss.
 
The next few days were difficult. I was lost in a daze wondering how life and how God could be so cruel. Though my cousins are adults, I felt like they were orphaned and it wasn’t fair. I withdrew myself from my family; not for long, but I withdrew nevertheless. I tried to smile for my daughter, but the pain and confusion I felt could not be masked.
 
My husband tried his best to hold up his grieving wife, but I was so sensitive that the slightest joke made me fall apart. Instead of trying to cheer me up, he began to grieve with me.
 
I knew right away that I would be attending the funeral, even though it would have put a financial strain on us. My husband refused to let me attend alone. Though I tried to tell him that we didn’t have the money and that I would be okay, he said “I have to be there for you.”
 
In our five year relationship, we’ve experienced significant losses on his side, and I always tried to be there for him as much as possible. In fact, when he lost his grandfather, we were in the middle of a fight. I was pregnant and in the hospital with high blood pressure and contractions at 7 months and was two hours away from home. I begged him to stay with his family and not travel to see me because I was so angry with him, but in all of my anger, I tried my best to be there for him. I helped him and his cousin work on the programs and I checked on him often to make sure that he was okay.
 
Three years later, he was going to do everything in his power to be there for me. Thankfully, myself, my husband, and little girl received assistance with our tickets and were able to travel as a family. I am so glad that we did. My husband held me through it all, bonded with my family, and made it his mission to be present. That’s all I really needed.
 
Sometimes it’s difficult to understand your duty as a spouse when your husband or wife loses a loved one. How are you supposed react, especially when it isn’t someone you didn’t really know well? Just be present. Try your best to be all the support that he or she needs. Don’t argue about the little things because they don’t matter—frankly they never really matter, because as you now see, life is too short.
Your spouse may react in bizarre ways, like cry when he/she is supposed to laugh but it’s all a part of the grieving process. So, grieve with him/her. You don’t have to speak, just be there.
 
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) God has given us the ability and nature to be empathetic. Apply the innate empathy to your unconditional love for your spouse and you will be the best (earthly) remedy for your spouse’s broken heart.

Categories
Marriage Physical Intimacy

Romance Your Hubby This Valentine's Day With the 5 Senses

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Set the Foundation for Love with Honesty

My husband and I met in person at Central Park. Our business conversation quickly turned into a conversation about everything else. As he walked me to the train (after his attempt to kiss me) he stared at every movement my large lips made. I kindly asked him not to do that because it made me uncomfortable as most full-liped ladies would know. Now that I think back to that encounter, I wonder if he was looking at my lips or mesmerized by the things I said to him.
As I said in a previous article, he told me he loved me just days after meeting me. Thinking back now, I know that we were at the most vulnerable points in our lives and were able to be honest. Honesty is most important when trying to develop a relationship with someone. It is even more important than having things in common and spending quality time. It’s definitely more important than playing the so-called game of “trapping the man.”
We’ve all done it: try to find ways to get him to put a ring on it. But it is impossible to make him want you if you aren’t being yourself. The best way to show him who you really are is by the words you use. Don’t be afraid to voice what you are looking for in a relationship. You don’t want to run him off with your long list of demands but be candid about the type of relationship that you want. Make sure that you are clear that you want a monogamous relationship that can possibly lead to marriage. Why waste time? In the past, I’ve told guys that I just want to keep it casual when I really wanted to say, “I want to have your babies.” Although, God allowed me to be fearless enough to say that to my husband on our first date, I could have kept that to myself. The thing that I did let him know, which was the right thing to do was that I was tired of mindlessly dating. Yes, I was young (20) but I was tired of having a broken heart. I made sure to let God know and let him know.
I was honest but I wasn’t demanding—not at first anyway. I simply explained to the man I knew I wanted to marry, that I don’t casually date and that I hoped that the next man I was monogamous with was going to be the last person that I was with. I assured him that I was not pressuring him into anything but I wanted to be open with him. I didn’t want to date him under false pretenses and I didn’t want him to do that to me either. He appreciated my honesty and felt like he could be honest as well. It turned out that he was tired of just dating too. He was actually considering marrying someone else if he didn’t meet the right one by age 30. He appreciated that he met me before he made the mistake of marrying the wrong one.
Though it may be early in a relationship consider that the early days are your building days. These are the days that you are constructing the foundation for a long-lasting love. Love can only exist in an honest place. Its foundations must be biblical in order to thrive. “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” (Proverbs 18:21) You have the power to speak life into your relationship by being honest so be mindful of the words that you speak to your potential spouse. Also, be careful not to be demanding; that is a good way to run him off. Don’t think that as soon as you talk about your intentions for your future that you should start planning your wedding. “4Love is patient and kind…6 It does not demand its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6) It just means that you’re not wasting anymore time in relationships that aren’t going in the right direction.

Categories
Engaged Marriage

Why I Gave Up My Maiden Name

Categories
Marriage

Financial 'Holiday Blues' in your Marriage

Holiday’s like Christmas can be some of the most joyous times for a young married couple. Experiencing some of your “firsts” together and creating traditions is always fun.
Being married and young is also a time where you discover you may not necessarily always have the financial means to have the kind of Christmas you were use to when you were single.
I know for me, before I was married I always made sure my family had my “wish list” and I had theirs. The majority of my income earned during the holiday season went towards finding gifts for my family and friends. And, I also made sure I found some really nice gifts for myself. My husband was also very accustom to waking up on Christmas morning with a mound full of gifts awaiting him.
Can I just say, we have not had a “mound” of anything since we have been married. I say that with a laugh because we have quickly realized those elaborate Christmases are something in the past for us right now.
If you are married and young and facing this hard realization, don’t let the holiday blues get you down. A lot of young married couples are finishing college, starting new careers, raising children and basically discovering a whole new season of life for the first time. All of these things all of the sudden take priority over spending tons of money on one holiday.
The first year my husband and I were married we had only been moved home from college for a few months. My husband had only just recently found a job and I had been put on bed rest for the last month of my pregnancy leaving me without work. Money was more than tight, it was basically non existent.

Choices

At this point my husband and I had a choice to make. We could both be upset that we would have no money to buy gifts for our families or ourselves. We could be stressed showing up to family gatherings empty handed. And, we could mope around Christmas morning disappointed we didn’t get new pj’s.
Or, we could cling to one another. It was not easy realizing we weren’t going to have the kind of Christmas we were accustom to. And, I would be lying if I said we didn’t share a few tears together. However, we saw how truly blessed we were. If nothing else, we had each other and we decided that was enough. We also ended up spending the three days leading up to Christmas in the hospital delivering our first baby girl.
My husband and I came home on Christmas Eve to our little apartment with our new baby girl. I went upstairs to take a shower and when I came down my husband had sweetly wrapped our daughter in a blanket, placed her in a little box and placed a bow around her. It was the best gift that has ever been placed under our tree.

Be Encouraged

I tell you that story because I want to encourage married and young couples. I want to encourage you to look for what truly matters this Christmas, and it is not determined by the number in your bank account. Whether you are able to elaborately celebrate this holiday season or not, what matters most is that you have each other. If you are feeling disappointed in something share your feelings with one another and face this season together. Change can be hard sometimes. It can be in those challenging moments though where you and your spouse have the opportunity to grow closer together.
Remember, Christmas is a time to celebrate the life and birth of Jesus Christ. It is also a time to be thankful that God has birthed new life into your marriage as well. If you decide with your spouse this season to accept this truth, I guarantee you can beat the ‘Holiday Blues”.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Parenting

Putting an End to Generational Cycles

A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. This births the next generation. The launch of a new household starting from ground zero to structure what will become their family.

But we all have a past of people and events that have significantly shaped and influenced our lifestyles possibly more than we ever took the time to realize. Our entire life, our behaviors and thought patterns have been mentally conditioned since we were little children; most of which takes place in the home.

It’s called social learning. Social learning is something we learn to adapt by observation, imitation and practice. And our families have possessed the most influential power over us because we’ve been raised constantly observing them in natural settings, specifically in the home, every day sometimes all day. No matter how destructive, unhealthy or dysfunctional, when it’s been seen as a natural attitude or behavior at some point we accepted these as a normal way to live because we’ve grown so familiar to them.

Now wait a minute Brittney, are you trying to say my family is crazy?

I don’t know. Maybe they are!

Look, maybe your parents, your family did everything they could to ensure your survival and I wouldn’t take away from that for one second. Surviving gets real. As a young mother, I already know. And I’m not saying they were bad people, because we can be well intentioned people with terribly conditioned mindsets. There comes a time as we begin our own families that we have to really stop and analyze some of the unhealthy habits that we were exposed to in our childhood so that we don’t repeat the cycle in our own family. We have the opportunity to completely start anew and give our children a better trajectory of life. No, we won’t be perfect, but we can be preventative.

For example,

Maybe you were raised to see the first reaction to frustration or misunderstanding acted out in anger and hostility; and maybe primarily towards you. Well what does that do as we get older? It teaches us through social learning to handle all our frustrations in anger rather than in wisdom. Nothing’s wrong with being frustrated or upset but when we automatically cloud all judgement in anger or by fighting physically it shows that we haven’t learned how to communicate ourselves in a way where there’s understand that could result in a solution. If we’re yelling and screaming at our kids with no explanation as to why they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing then it becomes a fluster of wild emotions. They’re confused, frustrated and in return learn that anger is the way to handle things, rather than a teaching experience that brings understanding and grows them in wisdom. We can break the cycle of destructive anger starting with our family.

Maybe there was a lack of affection in your home. Sure they worked, fed you and put a roof over your head so yeah that was a form of love by providing. But kids spell love T-I-M-E and A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N. And they need lots of it. What happens when this is missing? We grow up to feed off of the acceptance and praise of others in order to feel good about ourselves. For a young woman, many times it leaves you to try and recap that void by giving yourself to a number of men. We were created to love and be loved in an intimate way.

Or maybe you only got attention when you behaved badly, yet never received any acknowledgement for good behavior. “I expect you to do good.” is what we’re told. But human psychology tells us that we’re naturally conditioned to repeat behaviors that have a good response or positively affect us and we tend not to repeat behaviors that inflict harm or a bad reaction toward us. However, if there’s no balance of praise along with chastisement, we might continue to be rebellious because its bringing some form of attention, even if it’s not the right kind. It leaves us open to grab at any type of attention even if its self destructive. An absence of that can certainly condition our behaviors as we grow older. We can break the cycle of neglect starting with our family.

Maybe problems in your home were never really faced and talked out, but constantly swept under the rug as if everything was perfect or things would somehow “fix themselves”. But what usually happens is those things accumulate and have a snowball effect which leads directly into a crisis. By not learning to be responsible and have the character to face our problems and obstacles in life or in our households we create people who take flight once the going gets tough. You walk away from your problems and try to act like they don’t exist. You find yourself constantly stuck in life because you haven’t built the mentality of overcoming obstacles which are usually teaching moments that grow us.

These are just a few examples! But there are so much more out there.

So I want you to really take the time to think and talk about it as a couple. Get both sides. What are the unhealthy things that took place in my upbringing that have had an affect on my life in a negative way? Not only does that challenge us to make changes in our own lifestyle right now but it opens our eyes to the powerful changes we can make in ending these dysfunctional cycles so our kids won’t have to go experience them the way we did. We teach our children how to behave. They are watching us and developing our same habits through social learning. “Do as I say and not as I do” is not an accurate term we grew up hearing. They will do what you do.

On the other hand, what are new traditions and boundaries you can create with your family? Family game nights, sharing at the dinner table, disciplinary actions that are structured to help build wisdom and direction; even when they won’t always understand but it’s for their good anyway. Being able to do things over is an amazing experience.

Remember, we’re building lives here! Society is built on families and as the church, as the body of Christ we need healthy examples.

Your sister,

Brittney Moses

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Parenting

4 Ways Marriage Has Made Me a Better Human Being

Jonnese and I met each other my senior year of high school. There’s no way I would’ve predicted that years later, at the young age of 20, I would be married! If you knew me at all, just the thought of that is insane! My relationships didn’t last more than three months, life was one big party constantly lived for the moment and I was nowhere near a healthy, stable or mature state to be responsible for other lives let alone my own highly dysfunctional self.

I should’ve been the last of my friends to settle down and be serious about marriage and this whole “starting a family” thing. In fact, I thought it was a joke! The pursuit I had for my life was for the pleasure and success of me. But as we all know, God tends to have extremely different plans.

Anyone who’s had children or married young will tell you, it challenges you to grow up and mature pretty quickly. Not everyone does, but any sincere person who cares for the well being of their child and spouse has to make changes and make them immediately for their survival; mentally and physically.

Although I never planned to get married and have a family young I don’t at all regret it. I thank God because my family saved me from the destructive path I was on, reeled me in and molded me into a better person for so many reasons.

Marriage has taught me:

  1. To Accept Differences

Sure everyone is different, we know that much. Different races, personalities and backgrounds are things we briefly encounter day to day. But what happens when you have to live with those differences every day and it affects you in a personal way.

Well, honestly you’re forced to understand, respect and work those differences out if your marriage is going to have any chance of surviving. Because you will be more different than you thought!

In the beginning its cute. It’s interesting! Its no big deal. Until you realize you handle struggles differently, you communicate differently which creates barriers when conflict arises or now you have kids and raise them differently based on your individual backgrounds. Differences can easily create conflict in the home. What was once tolerable shortly becomes intolerable when it imposes on your life personally.

Marriage forces you to identify those differences, come to a full understanding of one another and mutually agree on how to work through them on a day to day basis to gain a common goal; a healthy growing family. When you can master this in your home, it’s only preparation for being able to deal with the differences we will face in our world in a positive manner.

 

  1. To Forgive the Unforgivable

Let face it, human mistakes won’t end just because you said “I do.” We’ve been raised on fairy-tale endings of happily ever after, but what really did Snow White and Prince Charming face long after they rode into the sunset?

Perfection and completion finishing at the altar of marriage just isn’t reality. In fact, your spouse may disappoint you a number of times as you will them. As imperfect humans we make mistakes, we learn, we grow from them. And boy is marriage a life lesson of learning and growing.

When you’re in a marriage, two become one, and so everything they do directly affects you. There’s no equal unity so closely bonded like a marriage. No relationship we ever have is like our marriage and so we may have never experienced this dynamic where every choice, no matter how big or how small, one person makes impacts our own life every time in such a personal way.

That includes their mistakes. They will mess up. They will do things the wrong way. They will say the wrong things at the wrong time. They will make you question how this will continue to work this way.

That’s what happens when two imperfect people come together. They become an imperfect couple. But grace is the substance that makes the unworkable, somehow work. So we forgive and we grow again and again and again.

And just when it seems like we got it, we do it all over again. It is the God kind of love that keeps marriages fueled. When we can master the act of grace in our homes, from experience we’re taught how to extend constant grace towards others in the outside world.

 

  1. To Not be Reactive

Reactive behavior is when our choices and behaviors are dependent on the choices and behaviors of others rather than us being responsible for our own selves. Thing like, “they made me act this way” or “maybe if they didn’t do this then I wouldn’t have done this”. It absolves us of all responsibility for ourselves. It’s when our behavior is determined by and reacts base on someone else. Reactive people are ruled by feelings and conditions.

On the other hand proactive people don’t blame others or circumstances for their behavior but act from their own conscious choice based on their values. They determine to focus their efforts on the positive things they can do to shift the situation.

For example, I’m not going to curse you out just because you cursed me out. That doesn’t align with the foundational values I stand on in my life and so I choose to not be reactive by letting your actions determine my own.

When you’re married, again, everything the other person does always affects you personally just from being one and sharing the same living space every day; from their behavior, reactions, language, word choice, etc. In every healthy relationship at some point someone has to choose peace and the bigger picture over being “right”. That’s choosing not to be proactive and not reactive.

If you want your marriage to survive you soon find that retaliation, revenge and pushing buttons back goes nowhere but down. So you quickly learn, or need to learn, the self-discipline of not being reactive. When we can master the choice to not be reactive based on the behaviors of others we can then go out into the world making positive changes rather than conforming to every negative circumstance.

 

  1. To Commit to a Life of Sacrifice

Marriage is sacrifice period. Biblically both leave their families and cleave to one another to begin a new family. The wife submits to the headship of her husband and the husband lays down his life to accommodate his wife time and time again. There’s this ongoing balance of sacrifice consistently being made.

There’s this quote I love that says, “Great marriages are made when husbands and wives make a lot of everyday choices that say ‘I love you’ rather than choices that say ‘I love me’.

And the truth is, in order for any relationship to work there has to be a mutual willingness to sacrifice for one another otherwise it becomes one sided and the other person will soon feel taken advantage of. That kind of model will collapse and won’t last long anytime someone feels unappreciated or unnoticed.

Marriage takes financial sacrifices, sacrificing what I want to do for what you want to do, sacrificing self-fulfilling desires, sacrificing time and much more. You’ve made a vow to commit your life to this person as your partner and you as their support through good and bad till death do you part. And every day you are dedicating to upkeep this vow mostly out of the goodness of love. Learning to make these kinds of sacrifices, putting another’s life and interests before your own, day in and day out teaches you tremendously the heart of sacrifice when it comes to those around you.

When I look back on the person I use to be and was headed towards I can honestly say that marriage has kept me grounded and matured me. It has made me a better human being in general because of the way its molded my heart to learn how to work through and accept the differences of others, to extend grace a midst mistakes, to maintain a positive reaction and live a life of sacrifice. Sometimes we focus so heavy on being ready for marriage that we don’t realize many times it’s the marriage that shapes us.

Was this helpful and is there anything marriage has taught you in growing to become a better person? Don’t be afraid to comment below! I’d love to hear back from you.

Categories
Marriage

Divorce: It's a Choice

Divorce.
It’s such an ugly word, is it not?
That word alone can bring walls crashing down in marriages.
I recently had a friend go through a divorce and I was surprised by my own emotions in the days following the news. I was very much heart broken hearing what my friend was going through, but I was also so sad to see the destruction of a Christian marriage.
This situation caused me to ask myself, and God, some important questions:

  • Was my own marriage next?
  • And, if Christians aren’t exempt from divorce then who is?

I know my husband could tell how hard I was taking all of this because I would just lie awake at night staring at the ceiling. I felt the heaviness of the burden this life can give when we turn our eyes from God. No matter how hard I prayed I just could not find the peace I needed to accept that yet another marriage had failed.
So, was my marriage next? How long before my husband and I face this same cross road and fail to overcome?
Thankfully, I realized that no, my marriage was not next; unless I chose to allow it.
That right there is the key component for any divorce: allowing it to happen.
From the very beginning, before you even tie the knot, you have the choice to make your relationship succeed or fail. Once you consciously understand that everyday is a choice to bring success or failure to your marriage then you can operate with a distinct purpose.
Everyday you have to choose to love your spouse more than anything else you desire. And, yes, this even means yourself! There are days when I am so bad a solely focusing on my own needs that I lose perspective of why I am even married. When his happens you HAVE to tell yourself to stop or the downward spiral will only get worse.
The day you place your career, your kids, your hobbies and your own agenda before your spouse is the day you hand your marriage over to destruction.
It doesn’t matter who you are, Christian or not, if you can’t properly align your priorities and place your marriage first you will not live to have a successful relationship.
No one ever wins by coming in second place, and that means your marriage too.