Tag: wife

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Communication Home Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

3 Prayers to Become A Better Wife

Young girl praying in nature by the Sea

When I first got married 9 years ago, I learned the value of the pursuit of prayer dealing with circumstances we faced and disagreements we had. I was taught in church how the Lord wants to be included in every aspect of our lives. He desires for us to talk to Him and pray about everything. Nothing is too small or too big for the Lord because He’s always listening. But as He listens, He wants the conversation to be a two-way connection. He talks, you listen. You talk, He listens (1 John 5:14-15).
So I did just that in my prayer time. However, I would often spend time praying and talking to God, seeing no change to the challenges we were having. I remember one day crying out to God saying, “Do you hear me, God, are you listening?” I struggled with knowing if God actually heard me and played the blame game with my husband because I felt he needed to change more than I did. One day, while in a Christian bookstore, I spotted a CD series entitled, “Wife after God: Drawing Closer to God & Your Husband.” From that moment, my life drastically changed in how I approached God in prayer.
I learned that praying for my husband meant God was changing me! I was getting caught up in all the things that I wanted God to change about him, when all God was speaking back to me was about me. What a reality check! As I continued to pray and listen to the CD series, seeds were planted that came against everything that I thought was wrong in my marriage. As I began to apply the principles I learned, changes happened because I developed a heart after God and a heart of compassion for our marriage (Psalm 32:8). One dramatic change from my prayers was I learned (and I am still learning) how to be a better wife for my husband.
Here are 3 things I learned to pray for to become a better wife:

  1. To serve and honor my husband well: I learned that loyalty is sometimes demonstrated in marital challenges. As I prayed, God shared that difficult times were what He was using to cultivate the depth of my commitment to Him and my husband. My demonstration of loyalty, affirmation, genuine love, and a servant’s heart allowed me to grow in godly character towards my husband (Philippians 2:1-4).
  1. To think before you speak: Proverbs 21:23 offers some good advice: “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.” I learned to ask God when I prayed to give me the best time to talk with my husband and the right tone when communicating with him.
  1. To set aside time for each other: Praying about our quality time taught me to be intentional with our special times together. Date nights could be watching Netflix together, taking walks, or having game nights. Remember, the most important thing is to strengthen your love connection and be creative!

A happy marriage is worth the effort of allowing God to help you become a better mate for your husband or wife. What prayers could you pray to strengthen your marriage?
 

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Marriage

My Husband Needs Help

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by Cassandra Bolar
No, my husband doesn’t possess any fatal flaws or defective personality traits – as a matter of fact, he is the most encouraging, appreciative, ambitious and loving man I know.  However, one day I had an epiphany that my husband needs some help, major help.  I realized this help wouldn’t require seeking a professional counselor or spending a dime.
 I came to the realization that my husband needs MY help, support, love and encouragement more than anyone else’s.  
 
This lightbulb went off when he was in the throes of preparing to launch his own business…
Without his prompting, I recognized that he would need my help in a very practical, hands-on manner.  I also realized that I have unique attributes and talents that would help him in the areas he would need the most assistance.  The hardest part of the realization was understanding the action that would be required of me; namely, making changes in my own life to fulfill this important role.  I had been so accustomed to doing my own thing that adjusting my life in major ways to support and help my husband seemed like a sacrifice that was too big for me.  I’d spent my entire life specializing in making my own dreams and aspirations come true, and I needed to make an important shift now that I was married (I’m a newlywed of two years).
I had to do some critical soul searching and figure out God’s wisdom on my role as a wife and how his insight should guide me in providing the help and support my husband needs.  Slowly but surely, my heart softened and eventually fully embraced the idea of providing the help my husband needs – regardless of the changes that are required of me.  I started to delight myself in supporting his dreams in major ways.  
 
The first step of this journey was clearly defining what it means to be a wife and using God’s wisdom on the topic.  
Then, “helpmeet” stood out to me.  Now, the English version, “helpmeet”, doesn’t quite give justice to the depth and significance of being a wife.  The Hebrew version of “helpmeet” is ezer (strength/power/rescue) kenegdo (alongside/counterpart), which better illustrates the beauty of being an equal partner with your husband and a source of strength and encouragement.
 For example, ezer was referenced in the bible during the times when people desperately needed the Lord’s help and strength to come through for them.  Being committed to providing this type of help for my husband has been a process, albeit a very rewarding process.  I have adopted his dreams as my own and vice versa.  
Additionally, assisting him with his dreams and goals has indirectly poured into my goals and dreams.  Never before have I been more on track for fulfilling the call on my life.  I discovered that supporting his dreams didn’t mean that I had to sacrifice my own – if anything, my dreams have been enhanced.
 
 At the end of the day, this process has led to creating something much bigger than ourselves – a family mission that involves the both of us.  For all the newly-weds out there, be encouraged, the changes that are needed to adjust to marriage may seem foreign in the beginning, but they will prove to be rewarding in the end.  The help and encouragement that are needed in marriage may be practical, spiritual or mental, and they have a way of being reciprocal in nature.  For all the wives out there,  how your husband needs your help in a desperate way, you’ll need his help, too! Make your dreams come true together.

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Home Marriage Single

Becoming a Gracious Wife

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Home Marriage

Marriage & Ministry: 7 Things I've Learned About Being Called to Both

You will often hear people say that your marriage is your number one ministry or that your marriage should be a ministry. So how do you balance both, how do you manage your calling to serve as a leader in the body of Christ and yet be an effective wife or husband, mother or father? I have been doing this for almost 5 years now and these are some of my thoughts.

  1.  You were called before your spouse came -(in most cases) I had a calling before my husband came, marriage has made my calling easier and has enhanced my assignment. Early, we decided that my husband would  focus on building our family financially.  The first 3 years of marriage, while I traveled the nation teaching and preaching,  he would come when he  could,  but our priority was to stabilizing our young family.Both of what we were doing was kingdom work and it was holy unto the lord.  He enhanced my call by allowing me to continue what God had called me to do while he sacrificed. He too was called at that point, but knew we had to work together to make sure both what God had called us to do was manifesting. We both now pastor together, he helps oversee my business and he works full time in a field which is pushing him towards his life dreams.
  2. When your marriage is healthy, your family is healthy and your ministry is healthy-Frustrations in marriage will often show up in ministry, do not be afraid to step down and minister to your spouse and take care of your marriage. Ministry will always be there, but your marriage may not be. When your marriage is healthy, your children will be healthy and what you do as a team will be much easier as you walk in agreement.
  3. All is Holy Unto the Lord- My ministry is not just how well I teach or preach but how will I love my mate, it is how well we love our children, it is how will we manage our finances and care for those who need us. Ministry is not just what happens on the road or on Sunday morning  it is how God is glorified in everything we do. Can people see God through your marriage? Is Jesus Glorified because you and your spouse are together?
  4. You are Your Spouse’s Advocate and Cheerleader– This is your other half,  if ever you begin to follow the lead of others and not your partner it will cause a rift in your marriage. It is your responsibility to fight for your spouse even if they are not in “traditional” ministry. Celebrate them and encourage them to be themselves. Never put other people’s opinions of how you should do ministry or life without considering your spouse.
  5. Our ministries Do Not Have to be the Same-  I have learned that our differences even in our walk with God is what makes us a great couple. Your spouse’s walk does not need to look like yours for you to learn from them. My husband is always teaching me. Always be willing to learn from your spouse.
  6. Discern Seasons- There will be seasons to raise babies which means less ministry time sometimes. There maybe seasons to work on the marriage, their maybe seasons to build the kingdom , their maybe seasons to get your finances together, whatever you do make sure that you always do it together. Let everyone find their part and work together, make no room for the enemy. Realize that seasons are just what they are, seasons. You will not always be there. Push through together and go from there.  Always walk in agreement and it will be well.
  7. Have One Vision-  The number one thing the enemy is after in your life is your agreement. He does not want you to walk in oneness so create a vision for your marriage and assess it early. Make short term goals and long term goals, this helps both of you keep in mind what is important. Make sure the goals and visions cover you guys emotionally, financially and spiritually.

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Communication Marriage

If Your Wife Feels Disconnected From You Then Quickly Do These Three Things

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How long does it take to disconnect your TV from the wall?  1 second to unplug it.

How long does it take to have your wife feel connected to you? Depends on how long you have been disconnected.
If you feel that there is a gap in your relationship or you have heard the following from your wife:
“I wish we spent more time together.”
“We haven’t talked in a while.”
Or “I feel disconnected from you.”
You need to quickly do the following 3 things to bring a strong connection back to the relationship.
1. Unplug from all media
If your wife feels disconnected from you, it probably means that you are connected to something else. You might need to unplug from TV so you can begin reconnecting with your wife. You might need to disconnect from your phone more. Don’t allow electronic devices to take away from your ability to connect with her. They are helpful at times, but most often they contribute to a disconnect.
2. Binge-wifing
In college, I remember people (i.e. me) binge-watching movies all night. We could watch all the Rocky movies in 9 or 10 hours.  Today, people could binge-watch the Hobbit/Lord of the Rings or the latest Marvel movies.  What would happen if you took a significant amount of time to re-invest your heart and mind in your wife?
This is what I mean by binge-wifing (yea, I just created that nonsensical word when I was writing this post). You can quickly reconnect with your wife by laughing, reminiscing, and sharing memories of the past and visions of the future. Instead of spending hours watching movies, you could spend hours reconnecting with your wife. Here are some ways to do this:

  • Go to a marriage conference
  • Play board games
  • Watch her favorite movies together.
  • Go on a walk with her every night together.
  • Pray with her before work begins or before bed.

3. Apologize to her and change
Admit you have allowed the disconnecting. Tell her you are sorry for this and are making changes to your role in the relationship. Tell her that you are wanting more accountability from her if she sees you connecting to other things more than you are with her. Be contrite. Be sincere. And then start connecting. You can do this!
Question: What do you do to make sure you stay connected to your wife?

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Communication Marriage

The One Word that Will Keep Pride Out of Your Marriage

couple sitting in the sand and talking on beach
A few weeks ago the Holy Spirit whispered to me “ I want you to be more vulnerable”.
When I heard the word “vulnerable” I immediately thought that I was the poster child when it comes to being vulnerable, especially when it comes to my marriage. I am naturally a “feeler” and enjoy having heart to heart conversations with friends and family. As I began to allow the word from the Lord to rest upon my heart I began to see areas within my marriage in which I have neglected to allow my husband access to, which comes from being misunderstood or rejected.
To be vulnerable is to be : “open to attack or damage, being susceptible to be emotionally wounded, exposure”. What a powerful definition! When I read it for the first time, I was immediately humbled and began to measure the definition to my current life and relationship with my husband.
When you get married you become one with your spouse. Everything that you have is his and everything he has is yours. When you say “I do” I believe that in that moment the Lord knits both of your hearts together along with His to create a powerful team that is unstoppable when they allow themselves to be vulnerable with one another. You may ask how can I be vulnerable with my spouse?
 
Share your deepest dreams and desires with your spouse, allow him into your world.. the good, bad and the ugly. Yes, you see your husband or wife everyday and have conversations about life on a regular basis, but the tone of the conversations are usually surface and ritualistic. I still hear the Holy Spirit whisper to me “share more, he needs to hear your heart”  as I share with my husband an emotional or hard truth that may be taking place in my life. When I obey, I see how our conversation turns from surface to purpose and I begin to see his heart open up and receive me in a whole new way.
Don’t be afraid to be the real you. When you are who God created you to be and you choose to involve him in every area of your life and marriage. You will not be afraid, because you know that whatever you share, that God is involved and that when you and your husband choose to allow Him to be the foundation of all that you say and do, being vulnerable will be a regular and enjoyable practice. Watch how your marriage becomes more enriched as you choose to allow your spouse to visit the most deepest parts of your heart, dreams and desires.

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Marriage Single Spiritual Intimacy

Three Treasures of a Spouse In Love With Jesus

Happy together. Young man kissing beautiful cheerful women while she hugging him and looking at the camera.

I walked into our church’s youth building fifteen years ago. I saw a blonde-haired girl sitting on the floor in a flannel shirt and rolled up jeans, practicing her guitar before the youth service began. She had her eyes closed and an angelic melody was coming out of her, like I had never heard before. When the youth pastor asked her to open the service, she kept her eyes closed and sang to the Lord from her very core. When she spoke, she didn’t speak like the other girls; her tone was different, her demeanor was different, and her focus was different.
I was delightfully baffled and wholly fascinated by this girl who spoke about Jesus as if He were a Friend. Fifteen years later, we are married and have three children. Her unique love and devotion to Christ continues to fascinate me. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” I would venture to say that he who finds a wife who loves Jesus finds a great thing.
Here are three treasures of a spouse who is in love with Jesus:

  1. Joy–As Nehemiah 8:10 says, “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Joy doesn’t mean an unlimited supply of happiness, but it is a resting place of delight and satisfaction, which result in peace. When a person encounters Jesus, they encounter pure joy. It is a promised additive to Christ’s disciples.

Paul says that the Fruit of the Spirit (the by-product of the Holy Spirit) “is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23) My wife doesn’t walk around with a glued-on, plastic smile, but she is a person who laughs even in darkness and waves the banner of God’s majesty and faithfulness, no matter how dark the storm clouds look. This is joy.

  1. Stability–Those storm clouds I mentioned above have no permanent foothold in a person who is in love with Jesus. The Apostle Paul speaks of a people who are steadfast in their faith: “…We will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming.” (Eph. 4:14)

My wife may have moments of wavering in overwhelming opposition, but she has never been swept away into a lifestyle of deceit or been shipwrecked in her faith. No, my wife is sure-footed as a deer. (Psalm 18:33) Trust me, when those storm clouds choke out the last ray of sunlight, it sure is beautiful to see my wife staring into the storm with a resolute face that says, “I will not be shaken.”

  1. Wisdom—A person who loves Jesus has the mind of Christ. (1 Cor. 2:16) As a couple, we seek the Lord together on everything. We depend on Him. The beauty of a Godly marriage is that two people who have a unique, living, dynamic, friendship with God come together and have a friendship with God together in a way that is equally as unique as the individual relationship with the Lord. The Lord reveals things to Sarah that I haven’t seen yet, and vice versa. True wisdom comes from Him. Many times, the Lord has hidden the answer to a problem in the depths of my wife’s heart, and it is when I ask her what she sees in the situation that I actually can see the heart of God in the situation. I can trust God’s wisdom in her.

I cherish the treasures of Christ that He has deposited in my wife. What are other treasures you see in a person in love with Jesus?

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Home Marriage

The 2 Ways Being an Proverbs 31 Wife Impacts Your Husband

The wife and husband have breakfast together in his kitchen.

Before you got married you had to have prayed to God to help make you a Proverbs 31 woman and you may have even vowed to be a Proverbs 31 Woman to one special man.
 
Some of those main qualities we find in a Proverbs 31 woman include:

  1. Her Faith in God.
  2. Her relationship with her Husband.
  3. Her mothering towards her children.
  4. Her care for her health.
  5. Her ability to serve.
  6. How she takes care of finances.
  7. How she works with her hands.
  8. How she takes care of the home.
  9. How she uses her time wisely.
  10. How she is a woman of beauty and excellence.

It is awesome when a woman is setting herself to be the woman of her man’s dreams which I can tell you now, any man would love a woman who embodies at least half of those qualities mentioned in Proverbs 31.
 
But, what I would like to tackle today is what impact does it have upon a man when his wife is striving to be the Proverbs 31 each day. This is important because it will encourage you to in knowing that your husband needs you to be striving to grow just like you need him to strive to grow.
 

  1. It makes him feel respected.

When I come home from work each day and my wife, who stays at home with our brand new 2 month old, not only has the baby sleep but the house cleaned and in order, I automatically feel a sense of respect and value.
Now, it’s not like this each day, but she has the desire that every time I come home from work for me to come home to peace and order. This causes me to want to work harder for her to make sure she has everything she needs to continue operating in her role during this season of our lives.
Which quality of being a Proverbs 31 woman causes your husband to feel respected? Maybe you work full time too, so it could be helping manage the finances or even managing the schedule for the family. Find out what your husband values, do it, and I guarantee when he feels respected it will cause him to go the extra mile in everything he does. There is nothing greater for a husband than to know he is loved and respected by his family.
 

  1. It will challenge him to be your Ephesians 5 Husband.

Your husband needs to be challenged because you are co-laborers together which means there are times when he is down and you will pick him up and there are times when you are down and he picks you up. No spouse is perfect and always okay. When you are striving to be the Proverbs 31 woman that will challenge your husband to be the Ephesians 5 husband he has the ability to be.
The Ephesians 5 husband is a man who leads his family well and sets an example as the head of the home. But although he may be the head, the wife is the body. They must work together as a team. This is not a challenge to make someone feel less than, but a challenge in order for one to see how great and necessary they really are. This is very attractive to your husband when you tell him how amazingly powerful he is.
I encourage you to look at that list of the qualities of the Proverbs 31 woman and assess which qualities you could strive to be better at in order to help your husband feel respected or to even challenge him in a healthy way to lead your home like he was created to.  Also, be sure to pray each day that God would cause these qualities to become a part of your nature so you do them without even thinking.

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Marriage Physical Intimacy

3 Places On My Wife I Commit to Kiss Everyday and Why

lovers walking in a field at sunset holding hands

The first kiss recorded in the Bible is found in Genesis 27:26-27. When Jacob kissed his son Isaac. This kiss was a sign of respect, honor, and a passing of blessing.
A kiss at its core is a sign of love and respect between two people.
It has now in our culture also become a way to connect non verbally with a person you are romantically involved with, a method of foreplay to prepare one another for sexual intimacy, and a sign of respect to a close one.
In marriage kissing is very vital part of your daily interaction. In my marriage it is already a custom when one person leaves the home we kiss each other, before we lay our heads to sleep we kiss each other, and at a time of celebration we kiss each other.
Each day I have committed to myself and my wife to kiss her in three places that hold a powerful symbol to reiterate 3 core values we vowed to when we got married.

  1. Her Forehead

In the morning before I leave for work, I kiss my wife on her forehead. The reason I kiss her on her forehead is to recommit my vow to honor and protect her thoughts, passions, fears, and her authority as my wife.
The forehead kiss is a sign of honor and respect that communicates you can trust me no matter what. When you kiss a woman at the top of her head you let her know that she can leave her entire life in your care. You let her know that she is safe with you.
2. Her cheek.
A kiss on the cheek is a kiss of friendship. Before you kiss a woman on her lips it is appropriate to kiss a woman on her cheeks during your dating season.
Each day I kiss my wife on her cheek as a commitment to be her best friend through it all. At the foundation of every great marriage is a solid friendship.
Two people who have strive to understand one another through communicating daily, putting the other before themselves through serving, conflict resolution, and respecting each other.
The kiss on the cheek will forever be the kiss that melts a woman’s heart.

  1. Her Lips

Kissing on the lips dates back to Biblical days which we can see in Song of Solomon 1:2, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.
In the Middle Ages in Europe kissing the on the lips was a sign of equal rank. Which is powerful in marriage because it communicates we are in this together.
At its core in marriage a kiss on the lips is a sign of romantic love.
I commit to kiss my wife daily on her lips to communicate the vow to romantically love her til death do us part, for better or for worse. The kiss on the lips is a commitment to forever be the romancer of her heart.   A kiss on the lips communicates that only you have my affection, desires, and heart.
The commitment to kiss your spouse everyday can build a bridge of trust and communicate your love in another way than just saying it.

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Communication Home Marriage

4 Ways To Not Be A Boring Husband

I was sitting on the couch last week looking across the living room at my gorgeous wife when I realized I had gotten in a rut.
It was the boring rut.
We can get caught in a rut overnight or slide into it slowly over weeks.
Here is what is dangerous about a Boring Rut:
Your wife can be OK with it.
She can be fine with just hanging out with you. She might even say she doesn’t need adventure or something different, because she is fine just being with you.
She may also be fine sitting with you watching a boring TV show. But, why not find an exciting show to watch together?
She may also be fine going to a restaurant and eating so-so food. But, why not find a restaurant that offers deliciously satisfying food?
So, what do you do when you realize you have become lazy and are living in a boring rut?  Here are 4 ways to get out of that boring rut:
1. You have to care
As a leader at work, I care that my employees are giving me 1/3 of their day. I want to maximize that time so they feel satisfied at work and are productive. Their satisfaction means something to me.
In the same way, you need to care that your wife deserves the best. You need to care that her satisfaction is a priority.  If you are apathetic, you need to repent of that and ask God to give you a hunger for a life-giving marriage.
2. Tweak the daily rituals
The monotonous rituals in your marriage can become boring or they can be inspiring.  Here are some ways to tweak them:
Coming home: Pull into your driveway and rev your care engine. This will work if your wife is home the same time as you. When she opens door and asks what you are doing. Tell her that your car is an extension of your love for her and the engine is an extension of your heart. As the engine revs up so your heart is reved up for her. Another way to tweak coming home is to kiss her for 10 seconds when you enter the house instead of going to the couch, checking mail, etc.
Convo’s: Go on a walk in the neighborhood compared to just sitting down in the house talking.
Date Night: Check local Facebook groups, etc to find new activities to do. Or do one thing that is different on your regular date night–something that you normally don’t do.
3. Know when you are falling back into the boring rut
If you are physically fit, you can check the scale, heart rate, etc. to know if you are staying fit. But, how do you measure if you have fallen back into the boring rut?
Here is a simple way for you to know:
Ask your wife, “On a scale of 1-10, how innovative or adventurous am I as a husband? Or ask, “I want you to be my biggest fan. What are some things I used to do in our marriage that you would really appreciate if I started doing again?”
4. Sustain the innovation in your marriage
In your work life, you probably either use Google calendar or Outlook to make your performance more productive, to not forget important meetings, and to ensure you stay on task.
You need to do the same thing with your marriage so you stay out of the boring rut.
Here are some marriage ideas to add to your calendar:
Times for you to brainstorm date ideas.
Times to randomly text your wife during the day to let her know you are thinking of her.
Time to plan your next weekend getaway.
When you need to buy a marriage book, listen to marriage podcast, etc.
Don’t allow a boredom rut to get deeper in your marriage. You are the innovator of your marriage. You are the creative architect of your marriage. Ask God to give you the passion to keep your marriage fresh.
Question: What have you done recently to keep your marriage out of the boredom rut?