Category: Engaged

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

What Went Wrong? How My Marriage Ended After 23 Years

Mature, attractive Caucasian woman in a dress and shawl looking serious.

Written by: Stephanie McNeal-Brown
Our marriage started out of a desire to break the cycle.  He wanted to break the cycle of children growing up without a father present in the household.  I wanted to break the cycle of a marriage wrecked by infidelity and unhappiness.  We both wanted to create something new for ourselves that we never had.

We were both college graduates.  Settled in our prospective careers and I was pregnant.

We’d planned to get married.  Someday.  However, the pregnancy hastened the date.  I grew up in the Bible belt and was raised by a mother from the silent generation.  That was the generation that was largely encouraged to conform with social norms so it was shameful to bring a child into the world ‘illegitimately’.  

That ‘silent’ pressure was on me.  

It’s the kind of external pressure that you feel when you’ve been conditioned to behave or expect how things should be.

It was a joint decision to marry and plus we definitely were in love.  Despite that, I am fully persuaded that my husband was not totally ready to get married.  I am sure that I was ill prepared.  Nevertheless, we did want to honor God despite our failure to follow His Word.

Fast forward 23 years.  Four babies, job losses, financial wreckage, business stalls, 2 Alzheimer’s diagnosis, parents death and a broken marriage.    

In spite of that, did we really have to experience all the despair?  What if, before we got married, we actually took some time to break the cycle before it unraveled our marriage?  What if we did not hasten a marriage and actually fixed what was broken with the both of us?  What if we actually had resources at the tip of our fingers and made a decision to take advantage of them instead of caving in to external and internal pressures to ‘do the right thing’?  What if we broke the cycle?


Do you find yourself impatient and wanting to rush to get married?


Your situation may not be one of an unexpected pregnancy, but it could be:

  • You (and you feel) everyone else hears your biological clock ticking
  • To legally have sex before God
  • All your friends are getting married and you’re feeling the pressure
  • You’re always together so its cheaper to live together
  • You want the attention and excitement of a wedding
  • You think if you get married, you will solve all your problems
  • You think that if you get married, then you’ll feel secure
  • You fantasize about having a baby and a family

 
You may be having these thoughts and feelings, but be honest with yourself.  Are you really ready for marriage?  Do you know what the commitment level is like?  Do you communicate in a healthy way?  Do you know how to resolve conflict that is productive to building up instead of tearing down?


You are the decider of your life.


You have power.  You have the power to choose.  You have the power to say yes AND no!

Don’t make a decision because things are not playing out in your life they way they’re ‘supposed’ to or because of the expectation of others.  Your life is your life and only you can live your life.  God has a plan for YOUR LIFE.  It’s your responsibility to seek Him.  Discern His plan and follow it.

Need help?  Join me and thousands of others on Married & Young’s FREE 4-day “Break The Cycle” Challenge starting on Monday, February 5.  It is a safe place where we are breaking the cycles NOW so we don’t regret them later.  Click HERE to sign up!
 

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

Why I Won’t Go “Hunting” For A Girl

Fellas, this one is for you – lets talk as if we were at Starbucks! Ladies, you may want to listen up as well because I believe the focus of men will rise to a higher standard after reading this article and becoming aware of what will be shared. Also, I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts after you read this… Leave a comment!

“As a man, you have the responsibility to go find your wife! You must go searching for her if you’re going to find her…” says people.

As it pertains to going on a journey to search for our future wife, it has been said that we are the “hunters”. I agree with the concept, to a certain extent. Let me explain.

When you think about a hunter, you normally think of two things: a human being that has been trained to hunt animals (prey); or an animal that has been trained for the same reason, to hunt other animals (prey). So the end result is, something has been hunted for the pleasure of the hunter.

I’ve heard many grown men when I was younger, even to this day, talk about how much they used to “chase females”. I never was too fond of that terminology. Without the attempts to make this “deep”, I’m sure your future wife wouldn’t want to be known as a person that was chased, or hunted for—a “prey”. This is why I shy away from the word “hunter”. However, I do understand the concept. “Hunters” need keen eyes, wisdom, and strategy. When pursuing a potential wife, you need these three things.

KEEN EYES

“…“O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw…”—2 Kings 6:17

Obviously, this isn’t in the context of a future spouse, but I believe the principle stands. As the man, you need keen eyes to see if this is, not only “a” potential wife, but “your” potential wife. You need to be able to “see” a future with whom you’re physically attracted to. Bro, based on what you’re called to do in life (seeing that you have at least an idea), you need keen eyes to see if she is compatible to your destiny. The last thing you want is to marry someone because of how beautiful they looked, how nice they treated you, and how good she made you look with her being on your arm, but when it came time for you to fulfill destiny, she seemed uninterested. Her being beautiful (whatever beautiful looks like to you) and her acting nice are things to seriously consider, but you should’t merely make your decision based off those things. The whole point of a wife goes much beyond a pretty face and a pretty body, but how can she help you in destiny? The wife is to be your helpmeet.

WISDOM

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”—Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

The key to making this Scripture a fulfillment in your life is Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”

When you seek God for wisdom, He gives it freely (James 1:5). This particular passage of Scripture in James isn’t talking about spiritual wisdom, though we need that without a doubt; this is talking about practical, day-to-day life wisdom. When God allows you to “see” who your future wife, when pursuing her, you need the Spirit of God to lead and to guide you in all truth—for He is the Spirit of Wisdom and when you ask, He gives it liberally and unbraideth us not.

STRATEGY

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”—Philippians 4:6

If your aim and goal is to become the husband to the one you see a future with, you’ll need strategy. A strategy is “a plan of action or policy designed to achieve a major or overall aim”. Our strategy, as believers, is what Philippians 4:6 hints to us. We can’t be anxious about anything; including finding your future spouse. Our strategy is worship and petitions to God in Jesus’ name. But we also need natural strategies. You can’t pray all day and expect a perfect relationship.

You need accountability systems in place. You need boundaries in place. It is strongly suggested to have premarital counseling. You need to know how to take her on dates without the flesh taking over. All of this is strategy. You need keen eyes, wisdom, and strategy when pursuing your future wife.

Now, here is where we get to the crux of this article, “Why I Won’t Go “Hunting” For A Girl”. This is where I stand: there is a difference between chasing a girl and finding a wife. The world says “go find”. The Bible says “work and she’ll appear”. I know, I know! That’s totally contrary to what you’ve been taught. Me too. But could that be why you haven’t “found” her yet?

Let’s think for a minute. When Adam found Eve, he wasn’t pursuing her. He was content with working in his purpose and out of no where, Eve literally appeared to him. The Bible said the Lord God “brought her unto the man”. Let’s do some work.

If you find yourself chasing someone who is showing no interest in you, stop chasing her; or you’ll be wasting your time. Some get “lucky” with this method. Some don’t. Me? I’m not chancing it anymore. Here’s why…

Proverbs 18:22 says “he that findeth a wife…”

If you do some research, that word findeth is “matsa” in Hebrew, which means “to appear”. Adam was tending the garden (his place of purpose), doing what he was called to do. God caused a deep sleep fall upon Adam and made Eve to ‘appear’ to Adam. Then Adam identified and named her. What’s the principle? Men, you need to have an idea of purpose and/or need to be working in purpose. The wife is to be a helpmeet. The wife is not a sex object to fulfill your manly needs. The truth is, you don’t need a wife if you aren’t focused on your purpose. How will you know what type of wife is needed for your journey? If you aren’t working in your purpose or at least have an idea of it, what will she be helping you with? What will she be incubating beside a natural seed? I’ll wait…

I believe as you work your purpose, your wife will—sooner or later, in God’s kairos timing—appear before you. Hear me prophetically. Keep your eyes open? Yes. But stop talking to every single female you see that looks like a potential. Befriend? Sure. Jump into a relationship? Absolutely not. Men, we are not dogs hunting for other female dogs. We are men of God who should be focused on destiny.

Hear this prophetic wisdom: as you’re focused on purpose and destiny, I believe she will “matsa” (appear)!

Alright, lets talk. Did this help you?

Categories
Engaged Home Marriage

5 Things to Do While Engaged

I love you. Amazed surprised positive African American couple sitting in the cafe and being covered with a blanket while getting engaged

The average wedding in the United States cost $26,720.
Whether single or engaged we all have thought about what our big day will look like.
Love is beautiful, especially when you fall in love with the right mate that God has created for you. But the reality of marriage, is that it takes work to stay married.
My husband and I, married on March 11, 2017. We were excited about our BIG DAY. But we wanted our marriage to be more beautiful than our wedding day. To be honest, our wedding day flew by so fast. I woke up the next morning wanting a redo. Then, I thought for a minute – maybe not. It was a lot of work.
I said all that to say, don’t allow that day to become your main focal point that you miss the reason that God has joined you together. Don’t rush through the engagement season. There are some things that God needs to impart into your life, so that you make it to the altar. God just doesn’t want us to make it the altar and then we fail at staying married. Marriage is not just about surviving, but God wants us to thrive.
Life is going to become hectic with the wedding planning, but I want to encourage you to stay focused on the promises of God. I also, want you to enjoy your engagement season!
Here are 5 Things to Do While Engaged:

  1. Pre-martial Counseling. Don’t miss this step. PLEASE! This is necessary to help you improve your relationship before you get married. Topics will be discussed that you probably hadn’t put too much thought into before.
  2. Connection with other Married Couples. You need this. Spend time with other seasoned couples and allow them to share their truth about marriage. Hopefully, you partner with a couple that will be transparent about the good times and even the bad times that marriage can bring.
  3. Praying Together = Staying Together. Pray like never before. The enemy is going to attack you in this season. He doesn’t want to see you make it to the altar. Pray that God protect you from dangers seen and unseen and that he continue to keep a hedge of protection around your relationship. In Jesus name, Amen!
  4. Don’t Forget to Worship. Public worship is the best. Coming together on one accord to worship God is an awesome feeling. It brings you and your significant other closer together. Their love for God is what probably brought you two together in the first place.
  5. Spend Quality Time Together. Stay connected even though you may be excited about the BIG DAY ahead. Continue to court each other. Make sure you have Date Night in the midst of all the planning.

There was a reason that I shared the cost of the wedding at the beginning of this blog post. I don’t want to see you value you your wedding day, more than you value your marriage. Marriage can and will be beautiful when you put in the work to stay married.
 

Categories
Engaged Marriage

2 Conversations You Should Have With Family & Friends Before You Get Married

Japanese and black friends drinking coffee in kitchen

Genesis 2:24, which states that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” was often a topic of discussion in my premarital course. Our mentor couple did a wonderful job of explaining to us that in this context leaving your father and mother, also represents leaving your friends or other love ones that might tempt you to put their needs before your spouse’s. After him, God intended for your spouse to be your number one priority. Having these two conversations with your family and friends will help you with honoring your spouse’s rank:
1. Parents
You will want to be honest with your parents about what role you want them to play in your new family unit. The discussions with parents should center around your expectations of them in supporting your new marriage journey and their expectations of your role in their family. Ask your parents to be supportive of your marriage, pray for you and your spouse, and for them to be available when counsel or advice is needed. It may also be necessary to remind your parents that God calls us to cleave to our spouse. It is important that your actions start to reflect the behavior of leaving and cleaving. When your parents see you tending to your partner before you tend to them, they will witness your commitment to your spouse. As a final touch to this conversation, your parents will appreciate you asking what expectations they have of you and your spouse in joining their larger family unit. This question might invite conversations about family holidays and frequency of visits. 
 2. Friends
Relationships with friends naturally alter once you get married. Similarly with your parents, obligations with your spouse may prevent you from devoting as much time to your friends. One part of this conversation should explain that your spouse and starting your own family unit is now your main priority. Be sure to communicate that this new commitment will require more of your time and focus. Make it clear that their friendship is still important to you and you will continue to work to maintain it. The second part of this conversation should include you inviting your friend to become an accountability buddy. Ask your friend to check in on you to make sure you are being a Christian spouse and to assist you with refraining from behaviors that could compromise your character. This will give your friend a new opportunity to be involved in your life and you will benefit from having someone to hold you accountable for your actions.
 
Author note:
Brooke Fitzpatrick is devoted to empowering young couples about the beauty of marriage. She is happily married to her husband, Jared and the experiences of her marriage adventure have provided her with a wealth of knowledge to share with others as they embark on their marriage journey. You can vconnect with her via theauthenticbride@gmail.com. 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Married with Expectations

Unhappy couple at therapy session in therapists office

Many of us have expectations of what desire to see in a mate. Often our expectations are based on past experiences whether good or bad. Case in point, when I got engaged to my now husband, I had a long list of expectations for him. It was during premarital counseling that our pastor helped me too see that I hadn’t healed from past experiences.
After going through counseling, I realized that my expectations of my husband were ridiculous. I had to go back and remember the promise that God had spoken over my life. God told me before we started dating that he was my husband.
During our last premarital session, my pastor asked me what my expectations of my future husband were. I responded, “To love me like Christ loves the church.” Ephesians 5:25 At that moment all my walls came tumbling down, knowing that God wouldn’t bless me with a man that would intentionally harm me.  I also knew, that God wouldn’t give me a man that resembled anything like the men I had chosen before.
If I had kept my long list of expectations that I had before we got married, our marriage would be struggling to thrive. There are days that I still have to check myself so that I’m not expecting my husband to be like anyone else but the man that God has called him to be.
If you have a long list of expectations of your fiancé or husband, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  1. How did God manifest your courtship?
  2. How has God worked in your relationship prior to marriage?
  3. What obstacles or challenges have you overcome together?
  4. Why did you make the conscious decision to marry your spouse?

It’s okay to have standards for your mate but it’s not okay to have expectations of your mate. Your expectations can hinder your marriage from being purpose filled. If my husband had not met my standards, I wouldn’t have even dated him. He met my standards and actually exceeded them.
Expectations can become a burden in your marriage because you are expecting your spouse to act or respond in a certain way. It’s not fair to the person to set expectations on them. If they don’t meet your expectations you began view them in a negative light.
Your spouse isn’t a mind reader, so don’t expect them to know what you are thinking or even desire from them. Always remember that you are two imperfect people and you are not the same. There are going to be some imperfections displayed in the both of you. Don’t let that overpower that greatness that God has brought together. At the end of the day know that we serve a perfect God.
Throw the ungodly  expectations out the door and allow your marriage to thrive beyond what you could ever imagine.
I want to know your thoughts on this subject….Leave a comment below.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

3 Tips to Help You Enjoy Your Singleness

Women enjoying beautiful summer day at lake

When I was single, I was waiting and praying for a great husband to have an amazing marriage. However, in my time of waiting, I learned to be deliberate about resting in God and celebrating my singleness. Believe me, this wasn’t an easy journey, but with God, it turned out to be a wonderful process that enabled me to have a great marriage. Here are 3 good tips that I learned that will help you enjoy your singleness and not just tolerate it:

  1. Just Say No To The Pity Parties. We are all human and sometimes waiting can cause worry, self-pity, and anxiousness. I literally had to tell myself not to be anxious for marriage to keep from making wrong choices out of desperation. My favorite meditation in those moments became Philippians 4:6-8. As I meditated these scriptures, my mind, heart, and spirit began to shape my worries into prayers. As I keep God at the center of my life, I had more peace about my singleness, knowing that my husband would present himself in God’s timing.
  2. Don’t Miss out on Opportunities. As I prepared myself for marriage, I learned to do things that I could appreciate as a single woman. Remember, you won’t be single forever so maximize your season to experience God’s goodness (Psalm 27:13). Here are some things I did to be productive and maximize my opportunities before marriage:
  • Enhance your relationship with God (read the Word, prayer).
  • Join a singles ministry.
  • Go on a missions trip.
  • Take self-development classes.
  • Travel to experience new things and expand your worldview.
  1. Learn from Married People. Because I wanted to have a successful marriage, I surrounded myself with successfully married role models (Proverbs 11:14). I learned a lot by listening to their stories of how they kept their marriage going to gain secrets to a happy, godly marriage. Even after being married for almost 10 years, I still reach out to those same couples for marital advice. Are there any married couples that you can reach out to?

Can you add anything to the list? How has your journey of singleness and waiting on God been? Please share your thoughts below.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single

Am I Ready to Get Married?

One of the most infamous questions you will ever get as a married person is– “How did you know they were the one?” Albeit, there are different answers pending on whom you ask, but here are a few ways to calm your wedding jitters.
If you are waiting for your flawless Prince Charming to show up, you will be waiting forever. When it comes to a potential spouse, there will never be a perfect person. If you can agree on the things that matter most to you: faith, morals, values, goals, etc. – you can learn to love anybody. The person you marry today will be a very different person 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years from now. It’s a matter of commitment. Love is more than just a feeling, it’s a daily choice.
 
So you said yes, you’ve started wedding planning and have that beautiful ring on your finger. All of a sudden, you begin to question:
Am I ready for this?
Let me start by saying – before you can be ready for marriage, you have to be comfortable by yourself. No relationship is going to fill the voids you find in your individual life – they may provide a temporary fix, but in the end you will still feel empty. You can’t allow your life’s happiness to be placed in the hands or the control of another human being. Find your identity, purpose, your SELF, and the right relationship will come in time.
No one can really prepare you for marriage because everyone’s marriage looks different. However, there are great resources like premarital counseling that can help the two of you figure out each other’s perspectives, habits, and personalities. In addition to premarital counseling, my husband and I went through the book “101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged” which really gave us insight into a lot of different areas we would not have thought to consider. It forced us to think about different scenarios or situations before they became an issue. There are plenty of additional premarital books out there if you choose to go through one with your fiancé.
Is this really what I want?
Only you can decide this. This will be your future – not your parent’s, pastor’s, friend’s, etc. It’s OKAY to not want to be married yet, and it’s okay if you do! Everyone’s timeline is different. Be honest with yourself and trust your gut. If you don’t feel at peace about it, seek counsel from someone you know that can bring you wisdom and perspective to help decipher between nerves and legitimate concerns.
Am I too young?
I am a firm believer that age does not qualify you as “ready” for marriage. My husband and I got married at 22 and are in some ways more mature than other friends that married much later in life. Your age does not determine whether your marriage will succeed or fail, rather the mindset and commitment you bring to the relationship. It is possible to be too immature to be married, but in many ways marriage forces you to grow up and take on more adult responsibilities as you learn to navigate life with another person, flaws and all.
What if I change my mind?
Regardless of the potential embarrassment you may feel, it is OKAY to call off a wedding. Personally, I would rather call off my wedding and feel embarrassed for a season instead of finding myself in a horrible marriage for the rest of my life. My dad always told me – even the day of our wedding before walking down the aisle – if you don’t want to do this, we can turn back now. Hopefully you have resolved before you get to the church doors, but don’t ever allow yourself to be trapped in a relationship you know is not right.
Every person has their flaws, weaknesses, baggage, but choosing to love them through it takes real commitment. Marriage is selfless. It’s about learning to love and put someone else’s needs before your own. It’s compromising on the restaurant you wanted to go to in order to make the other happy for dinner.  It’s learning how to communicate and how to resolve conflicts quicker. It’s sending a text message letting them know how much you appreciate them and you’re sorry for being dramatic by arguing about something so small this morning.
Marriage is work. But if both parties are willing to put the time and effort in to cultivate the marriage you both desire, I promise it will be one of the most beautiful and fulfilling journeys you ever step foot on.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Single Spiritual Intimacy

Don't Waste Your Single Season!

Do you find yourself in your singleness wondering when your season will change into marriage? Well, now is the time to shift your perspective. Your singleness is a blessing from God! It is a waiting season that can produce joy as you prepare for the one God has for you. Here are 3 practical tips to enjoy your singleness and use this season wisely.

  1. Focus on your first love. Matthew 22:37 states to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” Look to God as your total source of joy, purpose, love, and meaning. When God occupies the #1 spot in your life, you will have joy as you wait and prepare for your mate. Here are some ways to focus on God as your first love:
  • Spend intentional time in God’s Word and journal what God is speaking to you.
  • Pray and worship daily.
  • Serve your church and community.
  1. Guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 speaks of guarding your heart because it is the wellspring of life. This means your thoughts, words, and actions overflow from your heart. Putting any desire before God is considered an idol. Make it your top priority to stay joyful and guard against the idol of overly desiring a mate in your singleness.

Your waiting season is a gift, remember to stay open to your now! Enjoy your singleness, have fun, and stay in a place of excitement and openness to God’s blessings as you wait (Psalm 27:14). God has that special someone that He will present in His timing. He knows your future and is working out all the details of your love story.

  1. Start with the man or woman in the mirror. In this season, God is using this time to change you and make you more like Him. Proverbs 27:19 says that “as water reflects the face, one’s life reflects the heart. Don’t spend too much time focusing on “a list” of qualities that you want in your potential mate. Focus on being the right person for who God brings into your life. What are ways to focus on yourself as you wait?
  • Stay positive! (see Nehemiah 8:10, Psalm 28:7)
  • Take cooking classes.
  • Read godly books on character development and listening/communication skills for marriage preparation.
  • Pray and ask God to reveal a habit or weak area that may be a hindrance to marriage. When God reveals it, set small goals each day to strengthen yourself to overcome that area.

These three tips will help you stay out of a place of loneliness and embrace your season of singleness with joy. What other ways have worked for you as you enjoy your singleness?

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single Uncategorized

Ex – Lesbian Discusses Her Transformed Life in Christ

Emily Thomes is a wife and speaker. Prior to meeting Benjamin “Ben” Thomes, Emily would mock Christians, dabble with drugs and lived a life of promiscuity. She was also a staunch lesbian and would use male washrooms. In 2014, Thomes started to attend her aunt’s Bible studies. Emily was never pressured to change her lifestyle but was personally convicted after learning about the different attributes of God and reading Scripture.  Thomes decided she need to change her life and left the lesbian lifestyle and drugs. A couple of years after getting saved, Emily met the love of her life, Ben. In this interview, Thomes goes in-depth to discuss single – hood, marriage and tragedy. In the midst of it all, Thomes sought to keep Christ in the center.

emilywedding

Habiba Abudu (HA) : The life you live now is a stark contrast to your life a couple of years ago. Can you discuss the change that occurred in your life?

Emily Thomes (ET) : In short, God saved me. I was granted to see myself as a wretched sinner in need of a new heart and a new life and He gave me that. My life had been marked by various sin : practicing homosexuality, smoking marijuana, and drunkenness to name a few. Today, it’s marked by imperfect but sincere obedience, by His grace.

HA : Did you ever deal with loneliness when your were single ?

ET : I did. He used that season to glorify Himself all the more. He showed Himself sufficient for me when I didn’t have a significant other.

HA : In your season of singleness, how did you prepare to be a wife ?

ET : I spent time with married women, usually wives who were also moms, and learned from them.

HA : You met Ben via Facebook ? How did you navigate a long distance relationship ?

ET : I did ! His mom introduced us actually. We weren’t long distance for long. The first few months, we started each day with a phone call where he’d read the devotional book Morning and Evening, by Charles Spurgeon with me. We’d also text and FaceTime each other throughout the day. We both desired marriage in one another, so he moved to North East Texas pretty quickly.

emilywedding2

HA : Was it awkward sharing your past with Ben ?

ET : Thanks to Facebook, I actually didn’t have to tell him much about  it. Once we became friends on Facebook, Ben came across my testimony video. We discussed it, and to my surprise Ben never once made me feel like the greater sinner, though our pre-conversion lives were nearly opposite. Ben understood his own depravity and need for grace. That caused Ben to see us as equal recipients of His grace. It made conversation with Ben easy and safe for me.

emilyben2

HA : What has your first year of marriage taught you ?

ET : Marriage has taught me that although I’ve been made new, I’m still often plagued with fallen flesh and a desire to have my own way and not the Lord’s. This is also true for Ben. As wise as I had believed I’d become and as perfect, dreamy and intelligent my husband is, we’re both still in need of grace daily. The Lord has humbled us both and we needed it. He’s given us a partner to walk the gospel out with and for that I’m forever grateful. I pray that in the coming years we grow in our love, patience, wisdom and trust God to continue the good work that He started in us.

HA : Last year, you shared the tragic news of suffering a miscarriage. How did Ben and yourself handle this difficult period of your life ?

ET : Ben was incredible. He was devastated, when I first contacted him at work to tell him I was going to the hospital. He wept and expressed sorrow for our child and me. By the time he got to my side, he had put aside his own grieving and gave me the floor to hurt for the next few weeks while he patiently loved and served me. I saw two sides of Ben : a dad who was mourning the loss of a child and a husband willing to put his feelings on the ” back burner ” for some of my darkest moments. He provided a shoulder to lean on and comfort. I loved him even more because of the miscarriage. 

emilywedding3

HA : Finally, what advice would you share with those aspiring to be married ?

ET : To those desiring marriage, knowing the spiritual condition of the person you’re considering is the highest priority. I don’t say this because I learned the hard way. It’s something I believe Ben and I did rightly. Before we allowed ourselves to develop incredibly strong feelings for one another, we discussed doctrine, theology and the fruit in our lives. We talked about literally every topic we could think of for weeks. Once I was convinced that Ben could lead me spiritually and Ben was convinced that I love the Lord and was seeking to honor Him, did we move beyond that. Romantic feelings alone cannot be what a relationship is based on.

Desiring God has an article called “When the Not-Yet Married Meet.” In it, the author says, “Intimacy is safest in the context of marriage, and marriage is safest in the context of clarity.” That’s the best advice that I could give to a couple considering marriage. Take the time to investigate the other person before your heart jumps in and distorts what you’re seeing. Once you know that person is someone that you desire to marry and that, most importantly, the marriage would honor God, go for it.

Marriage is a wonderful and godly commitment. Being married is challenging, sanctifying and beautiful because He created it for man. Paul encouraged marriage for those that desire it. Ben and I were married within six months of knowing each, (Ben was 20 and Emily was 24 when they got married). While neither of us are perfectly mature or holy, we wouldn’t be in ten more years either, especially as single people. Marriage has been the sharpest tool that he Lord’s given me for growth yet. 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

He Proposed After 3 and Half Years of Dating… Why I stayed!

marry me, proposal in Paris near Eiffel Tower

We live in a generation where courtship turns into marriage within 6 months or less. Because of that, I was often asked, “ What’s taking him so long?” Besides that being a question from him, it made me uncomfortable that people were bothered by our relationship status more than we were. Newly engaged, I don’t regret a minute spend being his girlfriend, and here’s why:
1. Divorce is REAL!
I’ve witnessed young people rush into marriage…better yet a world of problems. See, my fiancé and I both believe “Divorce is not an option”. With that being said, we wanted to ensure when we say “I Do” there would be no need for the “D” word. We truly spent 3 years getting to know one another on a deep level, learning flaws, triggers, and fine-tuning our communication skills. Because of that, we know each other like the back of our hands.
2. I Knew What I Wanted!
After only 6 months of dating, I knew he would be my husband. We’d been friends for 4+ years, he knew every part of me, and I him. Sure, I didn’t think it would take 3.5 years, but I was willing to wait. He was EVERYTHING I asked God to send me. I lacked nothing in him, and I knew we shared the desire to get married!
3. I Prayed!
Spring of 2016, I spent a lot of time with God regarding our relationship and its status! God asked me, what do you want? I rattled off what everyone else thought I should have, and he asked me again “What do you want”. After conversing with God and laying my troubles at His feet, I felt a renewing in our relationship! I knew my doubt didn’t come from the relationship itself, but the people who shared unsolicited opinions.
4. I Can DO What I Want
People have always had and always will have an opinion. If it’s not about engagement, it’s about how you should do the wedding, when you’ll have babies….it’s a never ending cycle. The truth of the matter is I CAN DO WHAT I WANT…WHAT WE WANT. There’s no rule book stating marriage must commence within a certain time frame. When I realized that, I felt a freedom to do what I wanted!
5. Finally, God’s Timing Is Perfect
God knew what He was doing in making me wait. Had I got married sooner, I’d be on divorce court (lol). Yes! I can admit it! My heart was consumed with being a bride, not a wife. During my time of prayer, God revealed the areas I needed to work on. I guess my engagement is God’s seal of approval of my intentional hard work!
I chose to wait because I wanted to! I waited because there’s nothing wrong with it! I waited because I needed to grow! I waited because the day I would get engaged was marked on God’s calendar (Psalm 139:16, NLT). Ladies and gents, stop adhering to timelines that don’t exist, trying to beat a clock created by social media, operating according to someone else’s love story or being moved by what others have to say! Let God be the author and the finisher of your love story!
XOXO,
A Very Happy “Future Ms. Terry”