Tag: relationship

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Are You In Need of Healing? Perhaps You Should Stop Dating

Written by: Briana Whiteside
 
People may have told you for quite some time that you need to leave that relationship. The signs have been there for a while but it’s easier to stay. You don’t want to give up. You know the person. You’ve developed a system with them. And, if you’re honest, you may have started to design your life around the relationship.
I know how it feels to have the nagging desire to want to make a relationship work. I know what it’s like to truly believe that your relationship could be better if somehow you all could just get on the same page at the same time. I also know what it’s like to lose that relationship, that love, that dysfunction. I’ve felt the pain of separation, but I’ve also felt the satisfaction of being on the other end of the pain. I know where you are!
Let me tell you a quick story:
On May 6, 2016, I was standing in the restroom of my part-time job when I told my ex boyfriend that we couldn’t be friends. Though we had separated a year prior, we both wanted to hold on to a piece of each other at any cost. It neither mattered that we weren’t happy, nor that we were prolonging the healing process. All that mattered was that we allowed each other not to feel the pain of being separated.
We both knew that it was something that we needed to do but were too afraid to do it. We grew complacent in our dysfunction, in our love, in our hopes for each other. Yes, we loved each other but the
imperfection of our love caused us to hurt far more than we ever thought. In retrospect, we had stopped living because we were just trying to survive one another.
We were giving up seven years of love, of memories, of pain, of happiness, of secrets. Who would fill these voids that we both rested in? Who would love us? Who would dare date a broken man and a broken woman who didn’t know the importance of wholeness? We convened on many things, on many levels, on many mindsets, but we both knew that our relationship with God was at risk and if we didn’t surrender now, we might not ever do it.
In our conversation, I told the person whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with that we couldn’t be friends. I told him that I wanted something more and that we deserved better. As my voice trembled to say, “I choose me” I wondered if I was making a mistake.
Would I be allowing another to reap the benefits of being with someone with whom I had grown familiar? How would this look since no one had ever modeled it for me? I didn’t know the answer then, but I know that we both knew that this was it. As we got off the phone, I pulled myself together enough to work my shift but still questioned “How?”
I didn’t date for a year after that. Whew! Yes, a year of not entertaining men, not reaching back to the past, but dealing with me and all my drama. I must be honest, I wasn’t prepared at all for the journey. In fact, I didn’t think I needed as much work, processing, and love as I received. I didn’t know how deep my wounds went– many long before my boyfriend and I dated. I didn’t know that I created victims because of my brokenness, my inability to forgive, and to heal.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t see the inventory of bodies laying in the cemetery of my heart. I didn’t know that it was I who had given up and lost respect for myself long before my breakup. For 365 days I was in the fire. Every impurity surfaced, every heartache bared its ugly pain, memories that I buried rose, and tears that I refused to cry flooded the canvas of my face. I was broken in so many areas and didn’t realize that I was living on life support. Ultimately, I was surviving only because I was hooked up to a respirator breathing short breaths. I was dying and didn’t realize it until I started living—after healing.
People told me that I was crazy to go cold turkey like that. Some attempted to discourage me by telling me that I needed someone (a man) to help me through the process. But, I knew what I needed: I needed to face the truth about myself and all of my dysfunction for the first time. Truth be told, the pressure of confronting yourself for the first time, your systems, thought processes, or truth is daunting and there were times that I thought I wouldn’t survive. But I did and you will too! The version of yourself on the other side of your pain will blow your mind, and one day you will laugh without fear of the future
(Proverbs 31:25).

Categories
Home Single

3 Ways to Know if You're Ready for a Relationship

thoughtful woman sitting alone outdoors

Do you think you are ready to enter a committed relationship ? Read below, to see if you truly are !

 

 1. Do you Love the Lord with all Your Heart ?

Is the Lord your everything ? A good indicator that God is your everything is seeing where you spend your time. How much time do you devote yourself to the Word and prayer ? Are you filling your mind with that which will put your affections on things above ? Is making Jesus’ name known a top priority? Are you serving in your local body ? Remember, loving the Lord is the biggest commandment God has given us.

To be in a relationship and ultimately marriage that is successful, one must be rooted in the foundation of God. When God brings two people together, it’s for the furtherance of God’s kingdom. Your season of singleness must be focused on learning your role as a child of God.

When you enter a relationship you are not looking for someone to complete you. That’s God’s job. This foundation will help you when your relationship will go through tough times (which it will). When your partner doesn’t give you the attention you need you can rest knowing that God has your back !

 2. Are you the Petty Master ?

If you are entering a relationship you must ensure that all feelings of animosity from the past are resolved. Ex – relationships that have left you with lingering feelings of anger, wrath and spite must be resolved. If you had a bad childhood, you’d be surprised how such trauma can be projected on future relationships. Ask God to examine your thoughts and heart and allow Him to bring healing to any unresolved issues. Constantly take authority over thoughts that bring animosity. Forgive those who have wronged you. The Bible takes it one step further and even says to pray for those who persecute you.  Remember, you want your new relationship to start on a clean slate. In the present, you must be one who doesn’t get easily angered over small things.

 3. Are you Creating a Better Future for Yourself ?

Are you someone with ambition ? Are you working to create a future for not just yourself, but those around you ? You can take courses to learn practical household keeping skills such as cooking. Are you working, in school, focused on your business ? Do you practice good discipline and working towards building good credit, budgeting and more ? Are you actively finding ways to get out of debt ? These are some of the many questions to ask yourself. Don’t stress if you have not mastered good stewardship principles. You can always start practicing now ! This is important because your significant other would want you to bring something to the table as well.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Keys to Entering Your Next Relationship

Portrait of a young african woman sitting at outdoor cafe using cellphone

Key 1 – God’s Timing is Right
Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven-”
I am a firm believer in the times and seasons the Bible refers to. It is so important that you don’t move outside of God’s timing, and this applies to relationships as well. Moving at your own pace and not God’s pace or the direction of His will can cause damaging circumstances to develop.
For example, a potentially good relationship may not work out if it comes into existence prematurely. Yes, I said it! Moving outside of God’s timing can cause a blessing to turn into a curse.
Let’s say you feel fully prepared to be in a relationship but God knows you still hold a bit of unforgiveness in your heart towards your ex. More than likely, God isn’t going to open the door to a new relationship until that area of yourself has completely healed.
Why? Because you will certainly make it very hard for a new relationship to flourish if, by way of unforgiveness, your heart is still connected to your last relationship. You see, God knows and sees what we don’t know and see. It’s better to trust Him than to move outside of His plan and timing.
Key 2 – Don’t Force It
Proverbs 19:21 “Many plans are in a man’s mind, But it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand (be carried out).”
One thing I’ve learned throughout my life is to never force anything. Hence the popular saying “If the shoe fits, wear it,” but I say, “If the shoes doesn’t fit, DON’T wear it.” I like to apply this principle to relationships as well; forcing something “to be” that has “this is not the one for you” written all over it is only going to damage you as a person.
There’s the possibility of feeling rejected or becoming brokenhearted. Certain insecurities can form if the person you’re forcing a relationship with is interested in someone else. It is even possible that you may feel unimportant or as though you’re not a priority.
I know this person may have all the qualities listed on your list, but if God says “no,” it’s a no. If the relationship has more exhausting days than joyful days, you’re probably staying in something that is simply not for you.
If you’re one who is forcing a relationship to work when you know deep down in your heart that it’s time to move on and let go, pray and ask God for clarity.
Key 3 – Prepare Yourself
Proverbs 24:27 “Prepare your work outside and get it ready for yourself in the field; afterward build your house and establish a home.”
A very wise person prepares themselves for future seasons of life. Marriage is serious, and dating/courting is the first phase in determining whom you will marry. Therefore, it’s important that you prepare not only for marriage, but for your dating/courting season as well.
Preparation should include understanding what boundaries are, how to overcome temptation (which will come), how to identity red flags, what is permissible in a relationship and what simply is not. All these things plus more are important to know about before you let yourself enter a relationship.
Most people prepare only for marriage and forget the important phase of dating/courting that comes before it.
Always remember these three pointers – Timing, Don’t Force it, and Prepare!
Raven

Categories
Marriage

5 Reasons Why The Currys are Relationship Goals

Since second-time, MVP Stephen Curry’s balling skills came to the NBA forefront, he’s been all the rage. Not only has he demonstrated superb talent on the court but a love for God and family that is rarely seen on the sidelines. Not to mention,  he allows his spunky daughter to steal his shine and has a supportive wife to have his back when the haters call, is deserving of cool points. Many have called their love “relationship goals” which I concur. In recent months they’ve been at the center of silly Memes and clap back Tweets. I guess when you receive that much attention you must be doing something right. I’m really impressed by this wholesome and humble couple and I love their love. Which is why I’ve gathered together the 5 reasons why the Currys are relationship goals.
1. They Met in Church:  Church has always been known as the ideal place to find a good mate, especially as a Christian; however it  almost sounds cliché ’cause it isn’t  always likely. However, the two actually met each other through their church’s youth group and what better place to meet your spouse than the at the Lord’s house?
2. They Put God First: Which comes as no surprise given that they met each other at church. However, they are not afraid to speak publicly about their faith and how God deserves all the glory; and when God is at the center of your life and your relationship, it’s bound to succeed.
3.  Their Love of Family: They clearly demonstrate their love and support for each other- Ayesha cheering him on during his games and bringing their girls along, is a special sight to see and I’m sure helps keep him humble.
4. Their Individual Success: They both have their individual talents and success, which I believe is important in a relationship, so you don’t feel like you’re being overshadowed by your partner. Steph’s skills obviously lie on the court while Ayesha is not solely known for being his wife, but she also has her own brand centered around her passion for cooking. She will be coming out with her very own cooking show and a pop-up restaurant showcasing her skills.
5. They Stay Classy: Although Tweeting can be hard to resist when it seems people want to tear you down for no reason; they both keep it classy even when they’re the center of negative attention. They don’t attack back by resorting to distasteful words (well except for the time Ayesha claimed the NBA was rigged lol) but it’s okay, she apologized, and no one is perfect. All the while their love of God, family, and each other still remains. Now how’s that for Relationship Goals?

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

How to Find and Date the Perfect Gentleman

Let’s face it, we all want to date the perfect gentleman! Most women would love a man who answers her calls, lifts her up when she’s down, recognizes her worth, pushes her towards her dreams and goals, and opens doors for her.
Often times, we as women settle for less then God’s best; some out of loneliness, some out of desperation and others out of a lack of understanding as to how they deserve to be treated! Me, I was the girl who simply didn’t understand just how much I was worth. But that’s the thing about dating a gentleman; he’ll never allow you to forget just how special you are.
I remember deciding I was tired of being mistreated by guys who spoke down on me, called me out of my name, and was just down right disrespectful. I remember sitting on my dorm room floor crying out to God regarding my feelings of hurt. It’s almost as if he said, “Well, date me”.
Now I’ve always thought people who “dated” Jesus were just weird and lonely (lbs). But it was after failed relationships with man, that I decided to make room for the ULTIMATE gentleman. So where did I find this gentleman? I found him in my quiet time, hidden in my word (the Bible)!
The more time I spent with Jesus, the more time he spent with me, the more I became acquainted with his voice, the more he shared his thoughts regarding me, the more he affirmed who I was created to be and the more doors he opened for me, among other things.
Though I once thought it was weird to “date” Jesus, it was in dating him that I realized what I really wanted and what I deserved in a man. I realized that a “thug” didn’t have the capacity to love the woman of God, God created me to be. I learned that a man who doesn’t have God’s own heart could never treat me as Jesus did! It was in dating Jesus that I realized EXACTLY what I deserved and wanted!
So you want to date a perfect gentleman, huh? Start with dating THEE perfect gentleman. When you get to know him, it’ll be easier to recognize his heartbeat in the heartbeat of others. It’ll be easier to turn away from those who don’t display his characteristics. Finally, it’ll be easier to be found by the one who will love you and treat you as Jesus did!
Much to my surprise, dating Jesus isn’t for the lonely and weird, it’s for the wise!
Be encouraged!
Shannon C Colar

Categories
Single

10 Qualities of a Man Ready for Marriage

I started thinking about my unmarried or newly married friends and their dating/courting relationships. After you have committed to someone and have dated exclusively for some time, how do you know when you are ready to take the leap of faith and get married?
Marriage is wonderful but it can come with it’s challenges so you need to be prepared emotionally, spiritually, and financially to be happy beyond the wedding day.
This post is focused on the man especially since he is the head of the relationship. I have listed 20 qualities that I believe are attributes of a man ready for marriage. I decided to break this up into two separate articles to keep this one from being a book chapter instead of a blog post. Stay tuned for Part 2 and “Qualities of a Woman ready for a Godly Marriage”.
1. Seeks God with his whole heart-
Psalm 119: 9-11
9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.
10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.
11 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
The scripture says in order to keep yourself pure, hide His word in your heart. Seeking Him with your whole heart will keep you focused on pleasing God in all that you do.
2. Attends, gives and serves at a church
As a saved young woman, I have heard this line many times, “You are a Christian (or saved), oh that’s cool, I go to church, I am a member of…” I am happy that you “go to church”, but I believe you are a true member when you have invested your time, resources and talents to this church. The church cannot run itself without it’s members.
Your local church will be blessed by your help. What areas of the church are you serving in? How can you be a blessing to your pastor and members? I have found that serving in the church keeps you grounded, accountable and you learn so much about yourself and the life of Jesus by serving His people.
3. Has godly friends- Having godly friends will also help with accountability. Having friends who are walking with Jesus that will give you godly advice and will understand your struggles, praises, and will encourage your spiritual growth. The scripture says in Proverbs 27:17 that “Iron sharpens Iron”.
4. Has a good relationship with his family- I know all families are not perfect, but is there communication and respect with and towards the family.
This is important because if there are majors signs of dysfunction in the family, this unfortunately can filter over into your marriage. You will need to have open communication about the future in-laws.
5. Prays with and encourages you to pursue God more while he is pursuing you- The man is the head of the household. He will need to treat the bride as Jesus does the church. The Lord of Lord’s desires a church without spot or blemish.
Jesus loves us with an everlasting love. A godly man will want his wife to be all that God has called her to be. A godly man will want his woman to put God first before him.
6. Has a job or career- The husband will be the provider of the family and head of the household. He will need a job or is working (in school) to obtain a career.
7. Encourages you to  pursue your passion and goals- He will not be intimidated or will not limit his woman’s God given gifts.
8. Abstains from sexual immorality and fornication-
1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
The above scriptures describes those that fall to lust as those who do not know God. God does not want you to corrupt your body with this sin. Having sex outside of marriage will bring on a slew of problems into a pure relationship.
It is created for husband and wife only to enjoy. If you are not abstaining from this, you are sinning against God and your body.
This will keep the enemy from corrupting your union before it has even started. If this has already happened in your relationship, please seek Godly counsel on how to proceed with your relationship.
This goes back to being involved in a church, having Godly friends, and being guided by your pastor. Your support system will help you as a couple get back on track.
9. Communicates with you about his past, his struggles, and future- You do not want to have any surprises before you say “I do”.
10. Enjoys spending time with you- My grandfather who had been married for almost 60 years before he passed, gave me and Joel this one piece of marriage advice, “Have fun with each other.”
You want to enjoy your time together even if you are doing something that you don’t want to do. It shows that you want to invest in getting to know your mate and showing them how much you love and appreciate them.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

5 Ways to Get Over the Person Who Left You

A few weeks ago I decided to take a stroll down memory lane, reflecting on all my past relationship/situationships. As I struggled to recall details of past relationships, I realized “God favored me”. I, like most people, have dealt with situations that had the potential to leave me deep in a depression, with low self-esteem, and perhaps even suicidal.
 
But some how, I escaped with small traces of low-self esteem and a tad bit of sadness, which faded away with time.
 
Reflecting on this, I thought I’d share how I got over the ones who left me:
 
 
1. Make Up Your Mind!
The bible lets us know that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways! You have to make a decision that you are done, and refuse to go back. It’s simple, either you are completely done or you’re not. If you’re not, stop reading (lol).
 
2. Eliminate All Means of Communication.
Nope, you can’t be friends. Sorry! In this stage of vulnerability, it’s imperative that you separate yourself. With one ex, I actually deleted my twitter because it’s origin was to keep an eye on him. I brought a new phone because we used BBM a lot, and I blocked his post from my newsfeed on FB.
I was hopeful that one day we could be friends, so I didn’t want to defriend him totally. Don’t accept the phone call or text. Communication is a way of keeping your heart involved, even when you think you aren’t.
 
3. Worship.
Worship is the BEST way to turn your heart towards God. Spending time with the mender of broken hearts will ensure the pain eventually fades.
 
4. Pray.
Duh, right! But many can’t pray effective prayers because they haven’t made a decision (see point 1). I would encourage whomever this blog is for to pray this, or a similar prayer: “Lord, clear my mind of every negative memory and remove every spiritual attachment. In my experience, these are the two areas that are the most haunting.
 
5. TURN UP!
Well, not literally! Turn up as in, enjoy life! Time waits for no man; therefore, you cant afford to spend a day, a week, or even a year in sadness. The more time you waste, the less effective you are in moving the cross. I don’t know about you, but I would rather move mountains for the one who gave his WHOLE life for me than waste precious time dwelling on the one who left!
 
I hope I haven’t given the impression that getting over someone you genuinely loved is as easy as 1,2,3 because its not. On the other hand, with God nothing is impossible!
 
XOXO,
Shannon C Colar
Lovebyencouragement.com

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Reconcile Your Past Relationships to Gain Access to Your Future

355726

 
As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
 
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
 
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
 
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
 
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19).  Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
 
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and  to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
 

Categories
Marriage

How to Be There When Your Spouse is Grieving

On March 22nd 2015, I received a phone call from my Uncle Earl. He called to see how I was settling in to my new home in Georgia. I expressed to him how nice it was to get away from the hustle and bustle of NYC. I talked to him about his knee surgery and he told me he was doing well. Midnight of March 23rd, I received a call from my dad.
He informed me that my uncle had passed away. My heart fell to pieces. I cried into my husband’s shoulders as it all sank in. I mourned not only for my uncle, but for my cousins’ loss and my father’s loss.
 
The next few days were difficult. I was lost in a daze wondering how life and how God could be so cruel. Though my cousins are adults, I felt like they were orphaned and it wasn’t fair. I withdrew myself from my family; not for long, but I withdrew nevertheless. I tried to smile for my daughter, but the pain and confusion I felt could not be masked.
 
My husband tried his best to hold up his grieving wife, but I was so sensitive that the slightest joke made me fall apart. Instead of trying to cheer me up, he began to grieve with me.
 
I knew right away that I would be attending the funeral, even though it would have put a financial strain on us. My husband refused to let me attend alone. Though I tried to tell him that we didn’t have the money and that I would be okay, he said “I have to be there for you.”
 
In our five year relationship, we’ve experienced significant losses on his side, and I always tried to be there for him as much as possible. In fact, when he lost his grandfather, we were in the middle of a fight. I was pregnant and in the hospital with high blood pressure and contractions at 7 months and was two hours away from home. I begged him to stay with his family and not travel to see me because I was so angry with him, but in all of my anger, I tried my best to be there for him. I helped him and his cousin work on the programs and I checked on him often to make sure that he was okay.
 
Three years later, he was going to do everything in his power to be there for me. Thankfully, myself, my husband, and little girl received assistance with our tickets and were able to travel as a family. I am so glad that we did. My husband held me through it all, bonded with my family, and made it his mission to be present. That’s all I really needed.
 
Sometimes it’s difficult to understand your duty as a spouse when your husband or wife loses a loved one. How are you supposed react, especially when it isn’t someone you didn’t really know well? Just be present. Try your best to be all the support that he or she needs. Don’t argue about the little things because they don’t matter—frankly they never really matter, because as you now see, life is too short.
Your spouse may react in bizarre ways, like cry when he/she is supposed to laugh but it’s all a part of the grieving process. So, grieve with him/her. You don’t have to speak, just be there.
 
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) God has given us the ability and nature to be empathetic. Apply the innate empathy to your unconditional love for your spouse and you will be the best (earthly) remedy for your spouse’s broken heart.

Categories
Marriage

Identifying Your Role in Your Marital Problems

For the last few months I have been feeling like there are times when my husband and I are disconnected. Of course, in my mind, it was my husband’s fault because I can do no wrong, right? Well, I’ve recently learned that I can do wrong and I have been wrong for months.
Someone very wise spoke to me recently and said that I cannot base my marriage and my role as a wife on the words or attitude of my husband. My husband has bad days just like I do. My husband is human.
This person also reminded me of the good in him, which I had apparently quickly forgotten considering that I had just spoken about how amazing he is at his birthday party. The very next day following this affirmation of my love for him, I found myself angry and heartbroken over something small and declared that he can’t possibly love me. It was that easy for me to throw away almost five years of love, fun, smiles, and hard-work simply over a series of small arguments. Though I always think small arguments are indicative of a bigger issue, we usually know how to identify the big issues and work through them. The fact that we weren’t working through them told me that something was very wrong, and at the time was sure that it was him.
The night that we had our first issue also happened to be the second night in a row that we didn’t read the bible and pray as a family as we usually do. I decided to break the pattern, so I prayed with my daughter, and then again on my own. When I was praying on my own, I began to lift up our family. While praying for my family, God began to instruct me to pray against anger and hurt. I thought I needed to pray for the issues within the family, but what I realized was that one of the factors causing the issues was the anger and hurt I was harboring. There seemed to be a lot of anger within me that God wanted to deal with. How can I expect my house to remain standing if I don’t take care of its foundation? I am a part of that foundation.
By the next day, my husband and I had the chance to really sit down and talk. Our issues stemmed from varying views on disciplining our child. I had a hard time listening to his criticisms, but I listened anyways. That night he said that he wanted us to get back into reading the bible and praying. The first verse in Proverbs 29 says, “Whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery.” Between the continued verses about criticism and discipline, I had an incredibly hard time reading the chapter. But, through those verses, God truly opened my eyes to the changes I needed to make in my attitude in order to have a healthy marriage.
I am learning that when I have an issue in my marriage, I need to first look at myself before blaming my spouse, and then approach the issue. The Word says, “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3-4).  Before turning to and on your spouse, consider looking at your faults first. This will enable you to have a healthier perspective on both your role and your spouses’ role in the disagreement. Once you have gained a healthy perspective, you will then be able to clearly discuss the issue and agree upon a solution.
Also, it is important to spend time with God together so that you two can continue to maintain and strengthen your foundation. Storms may come your way, but once you take care of your foundation, the two of you will be able to remain standing and defeat and overcome all obstacles that come your way. “For where two or three gather together as my followers,[a] I am there among them.” (Matthew 18:20) When you gather together with your family to pray, you are allowing God into your household and into your marriage. And with God, you cannot fail.