Category: Dating/Courting

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Dating/Courting Physical Intimacy Single

Convicted: How I Broke the Spirit of Lust Off of Me

Portrait of black man very happy, smiling in urban background

Written By: George Hines Jr
We all know that there is a Law of Nature that all humans intrinsically want to uphold. This issue with me was that I only wanted the parts of the law that accommodated all my personal tendencies.
 
My entire childhood, I was a pretty precocious. I learned to be deceiving before I learned consequences. Today, I’m paying dearly for it.

I began loving soft pornography around the age of 7. This passion continued to develop after years of enthusiastic humping, (clothes on) as well as an equal amount of years hunching, (clothes off).

Never did it cross my mind that what I was experiencing was a generational struggle of perversion.  

My sons won’t know this struggle of perversion. They will be taught from a very early age about sex: its purpose, its requirements and its parameters.

This isn’t the prettiest story, but it’s real. At the age of 18, my mama called and requested that I take 7 days to totally focus on sanctification. “NO SEXUAL ACTIVITY” is what she told me.

No big deal right? I proceeded to knock out the seven days….

7 years later at the age of 25, I’m lying in my bed, masturbating and for the first time ever I feel like a nasty bum.

Right there in that moment I cried out to God for help. After 7 years of failing to complete a 7 day process, I had finally done it!

This changed everything.

Prior to this moment, my life was totally filled with unbridled pleasure and and utter disregard for any woman who tried to love me.

I was cold hearted and unbothered. Years of pornography, masturbation, and troves of sex partners had stolen not only my manhood but my humanity.

My testimony?

God can reach us anywhere! We can never go too far for God’s grace to reach us.

This cycle of perversion stops with me! My sons will know my struggle but never experience it firsthand.
What God has done and continues to do in my life is nothing short of a miracle. Where he’s brought me from still amazes me.
I am committed to breaking this cycle over my entire bloodline. And the journey is far from over but it has certainly been a catalyst for many others who are faced with the same struggles.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

What Went Wrong? How My Marriage Ended After 23 Years

Mature, attractive Caucasian woman in a dress and shawl looking serious.

Written by: Stephanie McNeal-Brown
Our marriage started out of a desire to break the cycle.  He wanted to break the cycle of children growing up without a father present in the household.  I wanted to break the cycle of a marriage wrecked by infidelity and unhappiness.  We both wanted to create something new for ourselves that we never had.

We were both college graduates.  Settled in our prospective careers and I was pregnant.

We’d planned to get married.  Someday.  However, the pregnancy hastened the date.  I grew up in the Bible belt and was raised by a mother from the silent generation.  That was the generation that was largely encouraged to conform with social norms so it was shameful to bring a child into the world ‘illegitimately’.  

That ‘silent’ pressure was on me.  

It’s the kind of external pressure that you feel when you’ve been conditioned to behave or expect how things should be.

It was a joint decision to marry and plus we definitely were in love.  Despite that, I am fully persuaded that my husband was not totally ready to get married.  I am sure that I was ill prepared.  Nevertheless, we did want to honor God despite our failure to follow His Word.

Fast forward 23 years.  Four babies, job losses, financial wreckage, business stalls, 2 Alzheimer’s diagnosis, parents death and a broken marriage.    

In spite of that, did we really have to experience all the despair?  What if, before we got married, we actually took some time to break the cycle before it unraveled our marriage?  What if we did not hasten a marriage and actually fixed what was broken with the both of us?  What if we actually had resources at the tip of our fingers and made a decision to take advantage of them instead of caving in to external and internal pressures to ‘do the right thing’?  What if we broke the cycle?


Do you find yourself impatient and wanting to rush to get married?


Your situation may not be one of an unexpected pregnancy, but it could be:

  • You (and you feel) everyone else hears your biological clock ticking
  • To legally have sex before God
  • All your friends are getting married and you’re feeling the pressure
  • You’re always together so its cheaper to live together
  • You want the attention and excitement of a wedding
  • You think if you get married, you will solve all your problems
  • You think that if you get married, then you’ll feel secure
  • You fantasize about having a baby and a family

 
You may be having these thoughts and feelings, but be honest with yourself.  Are you really ready for marriage?  Do you know what the commitment level is like?  Do you communicate in a healthy way?  Do you know how to resolve conflict that is productive to building up instead of tearing down?


You are the decider of your life.


You have power.  You have the power to choose.  You have the power to say yes AND no!

Don’t make a decision because things are not playing out in your life they way they’re ‘supposed’ to or because of the expectation of others.  Your life is your life and only you can live your life.  God has a plan for YOUR LIFE.  It’s your responsibility to seek Him.  Discern His plan and follow it.

Need help?  Join me and thousands of others on Married & Young’s FREE 4-day “Break The Cycle” Challenge starting on Monday, February 5.  It is a safe place where we are breaking the cycles NOW so we don’t regret them later.  Click HERE to sign up!
 

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Dating/Courting Single

From Beaten to Beautiful: The Reason My Future Daughter will NEVER Know Abuse

Black woman and little daughter smiling and showing love to each other

Written by: Brittany Jenkins
I remember the days daddy came home in a bad mood. I remember looking at his face and knowing when it was going to be a bad day. I remember walking on egg shells afraid to make him mad. I remember the little blue Dodgers baseball bat that he used to use & trust me, it wasn’t for baseball. I remember her screams. I remember hearing her thuds against the bedroom walls. I remember seeing her cry.
I remember repeating to myself that I WOULD NEVER ALLOW A MAN TO PUT HIS HANDS ON ME.
Sigh. And then…
I can still remember the fight we had in my dorm room. He got mad and though I can’t remember why, I distinctly remember him throwing my laptop on the living room floor and the fight ensued. He threw a punch, I threw a lamp- ALL in self-defense. I remember the time he pulled the knife out on me. After that, he choked me… all while his mother was upstairs in her bedroom.
I remember the rules, him checking my phone, his control, my fears. I remember when he cursed me out, and called me every name but mine. I remember the day we stood out in front of the science building on our college campus and he distinctly told me: “Brittany, the reason why I do what I do to you is because you let me.” Just as proud and as confident as he could be.
“….I let him.” Those 3 words rang in my mind but even more so in my heart for years to come. THEY STILL DO.
The truth was- he was absolutely correct. I’ve often heard that the giants you don’t slay, your children will one day have to face. That’s what happened. Though I muttered that I wouldn’t be my mother, YEARS later I found myself just like her. I don’t know how I ended up in that place. I never saw it coming. I don’t remember seeing any warning signs. Dude was a charmer. We got along great. To me, it just happened. But the truth is, nothing JUST HAPPENS. There was a seed planted in me long ago that I never knew was being rooted. Then one day it just sprouted.
I accepted the abuse because I saw the abuse being accepted.
I was so in love and was somehow conditioned to think that this was what love was but I was so wrong. I was caught in a generational cycle. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. As a grown adult, I often look back to that dark 4 year period in my life. I’m reminded of just how easy it was to get caught. CYCLES ARE REAL! Don’t think that just because you tell yourself that you won’t become something that’s all it takes. The enemy has watched you. He’s crafty. He specializes in details. He knows just who to use and how to use them in order to keep you stuck.
We often times hate our single season because its boring, its lonely, its blah blah blah. However, THIS is the season that God has intentionally set aside for you to deal with the seeds that were planted in YOUR life. Think about it- when you put a seed in the ground and bury it with dirt, you can no longer see the seed. You’ll only see it once the plant begins to grow. My parents unintentionally planted the seeds, the enemy watered it, and I saw the plant in that abusive relationship.
My children will never face what I faced. They’ll never know what it means to be abused physically, emotionally or verbally. Why? Because I CHOOSE to break the cycle.
This may not be your exact story, but I’m SURE you have something you can relate it to. There’s no better time than the present to detoxify your heart and rid yourself of the toxins that has plagued your bloodline. You’re not alone, GOD wants to help you!
Ready, set, go…..
#BreakTheCycle

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Are You In Need of Healing? Perhaps You Should Stop Dating

Written by: Briana Whiteside
 
People may have told you for quite some time that you need to leave that relationship. The signs have been there for a while but it’s easier to stay. You don’t want to give up. You know the person. You’ve developed a system with them. And, if you’re honest, you may have started to design your life around the relationship.
I know how it feels to have the nagging desire to want to make a relationship work. I know what it’s like to truly believe that your relationship could be better if somehow you all could just get on the same page at the same time. I also know what it’s like to lose that relationship, that love, that dysfunction. I’ve felt the pain of separation, but I’ve also felt the satisfaction of being on the other end of the pain. I know where you are!
Let me tell you a quick story:
On May 6, 2016, I was standing in the restroom of my part-time job when I told my ex boyfriend that we couldn’t be friends. Though we had separated a year prior, we both wanted to hold on to a piece of each other at any cost. It neither mattered that we weren’t happy, nor that we were prolonging the healing process. All that mattered was that we allowed each other not to feel the pain of being separated.
We both knew that it was something that we needed to do but were too afraid to do it. We grew complacent in our dysfunction, in our love, in our hopes for each other. Yes, we loved each other but the
imperfection of our love caused us to hurt far more than we ever thought. In retrospect, we had stopped living because we were just trying to survive one another.
We were giving up seven years of love, of memories, of pain, of happiness, of secrets. Who would fill these voids that we both rested in? Who would love us? Who would dare date a broken man and a broken woman who didn’t know the importance of wholeness? We convened on many things, on many levels, on many mindsets, but we both knew that our relationship with God was at risk and if we didn’t surrender now, we might not ever do it.
In our conversation, I told the person whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with that we couldn’t be friends. I told him that I wanted something more and that we deserved better. As my voice trembled to say, “I choose me” I wondered if I was making a mistake.
Would I be allowing another to reap the benefits of being with someone with whom I had grown familiar? How would this look since no one had ever modeled it for me? I didn’t know the answer then, but I know that we both knew that this was it. As we got off the phone, I pulled myself together enough to work my shift but still questioned “How?”
I didn’t date for a year after that. Whew! Yes, a year of not entertaining men, not reaching back to the past, but dealing with me and all my drama. I must be honest, I wasn’t prepared at all for the journey. In fact, I didn’t think I needed as much work, processing, and love as I received. I didn’t know how deep my wounds went– many long before my boyfriend and I dated. I didn’t know that I created victims because of my brokenness, my inability to forgive, and to heal.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t see the inventory of bodies laying in the cemetery of my heart. I didn’t know that it was I who had given up and lost respect for myself long before my breakup. For 365 days I was in the fire. Every impurity surfaced, every heartache bared its ugly pain, memories that I buried rose, and tears that I refused to cry flooded the canvas of my face. I was broken in so many areas and didn’t realize that I was living on life support. Ultimately, I was surviving only because I was hooked up to a respirator breathing short breaths. I was dying and didn’t realize it until I started living—after healing.
People told me that I was crazy to go cold turkey like that. Some attempted to discourage me by telling me that I needed someone (a man) to help me through the process. But, I knew what I needed: I needed to face the truth about myself and all of my dysfunction for the first time. Truth be told, the pressure of confronting yourself for the first time, your systems, thought processes, or truth is daunting and there were times that I thought I wouldn’t survive. But I did and you will too! The version of yourself on the other side of your pain will blow your mind, and one day you will laugh without fear of the future
(Proverbs 31:25).

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

If God Is Faithful Then Why Am I Waiting?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Written By: Richelle Henry
I used to pray and be mad at God.  I was so mad at the fact that He wouldn’t listen to me concerning my future spouse anymore. I was so mad that, try as I might, He still wouldn’t give me what I wanted. I mean, I’ve been faithful. I cut off all those “randoms,” and I even stopped praying about it and I’m still here. Single.
 
How often have you felt the above? How often have you sat down and realized that the Lord was taking way too long? I mean, why would He promise you something and then make you wait? You did EVERYTHING He told you to do and still you find yourself upset, impatient, and feeling totally forgotten.  Well, I hear you!  I confess, I’ve shaken my fists at God on numerous occasions because I, like you, became tired of waiting.
 
I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve offered the Lord a few conditional prayers. You know, the “If you do this, then I will do this” kind of prayers. I’ve treated the Lord as though we’re simply business partners instead of realizing that we are in a loving relationship as Father and Child.
 
However, waiting on God, means waiting on the One who makes good on every single promise that He’s ever made. I know that you read that and probably sucked your teeth, because the statement sounds like a clichéd and repeated one. However, He fulfills His word. When I think of all the promises that He’s made concerning my life, the ones that He’s fulfilled and the ones that I’m currently awaiting fulfillment for, I realize that He is worthy of trust, because His character is trustworthy.
 
Often times, we take unfulfilled promises and use them to make tick marks on our “faithfulness of God” survey. You know, the imaginary scoreboard that we keep for God, as a method of measuring His faithfulness and ability.  We take visibility and manifestations of promises spoken as notches of glory that we ascribe only when evidence is found. We have become wearied waiters because we’ve been too busy contending with a truth that will never change and that truth is God and His faithfulness.
 
Honestly, we aren’t truly fighting God, because He has no worthy opponent—particularly not His creation. Again, I have wrestled with the idea that God is not faithful and concluded on different occasions that waiting is designed torment. But remember that even the best lie from the enemy cannot overstep the faithfulness and truthfulness of the Lord.
 
God is so sure when He speaks that He even swears by Himself when it comes to fulfillment (Genesis 22:16). Faithfulness isn’t just what He does, but it is every fiber of who He is (Hebrews 10:23).  May we hold fast in the weariness. May we rehearse His character despite our discomfort. May we remember the One who comes through. Every. Single. Time.
 

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Dating/Courting Single

Don't Lose You While Dating Them!

Group of friends celebrating on the beach in LA. Concept about friendship, good mood and people

Written By: Tatianah Green
Dating can be exciting, nerve wrecking, and even grounds for a good (or bad) story to share with friends later. But, how many of us consider how we date? Dating in this generation has a bad rep, but when you consider how you personally want to date and your reasons behind it, you can secure the types of dates and people you want to date without compromising what you truly want in life and love.
 
Consider these thoughts as you go into your dating season:
 
Check your motives
 
What is your intention and motives for dating this person? I know this may seem a little early to some in the dating process, but in reality, you should have an idea of why you are dating and more specifically, interested in dating this person you are seeing. Are you dating because you’re lonely? Do you want to date because of outside pressures to get out more? Do you want to date with purpose to connect with a suitable mate?
 
In 2018, we can’t just wing it out here guys. We should move with pure motives and heart so we don’t lead anyone on for the sake of just wanting to go on dates. Remember that people are not experiments, but humans who desire and deserve the same things that you’re praying for.
 
Dating is not a competition or job interview
 
Despite what we see on TV, dating is not a competition. You’re one of a kind and so is your date.  When you’re competing in dating, you lose focus on the individual you’re getting to know and focus more on the win, whatever that looks like to you. A competitive mindset robs you of the opportunity to truly get to know people for who they are instead of seeing them as potential threats to your goal.
 
Competing also takes away from you, constantly having to “prove” your desirability or qualities to be someone worth dating. If you have to do all of this for someone’s attention, straining yourself to be seen or gain approval from this person, then they may not be for you.
 
Like a job we really want, we may exaggerate some skills and even create new credentials to fit the requirements for that job. This definitely applies in dating, where it’s so easy to stretch the truth because you’re still in the early stages of learning about each other. Be sure to ask real questions and answer questions honestly.
You don’t want to lie that you’re into something to please your date.
Remember that you’re on this date too and need to vet them to see if they are someone you’d truly want to get to know, not because they’re the most eligible bachelor or bachelorette.
 
Be you all ways, always
 
Dating usually goes well in the beginning because the daters get along, have good conversation, and are respectful to one another, aka polite. Are you sure you were on a date with the person as who they are and not their representative? You can ask yourself the same question. Of course, early on in dating you tend to bring it in the looks, outfit, smell goods, talking topics, etc. But does your date get to see you authentically?
 
You’ve come a long way to develop your sense of self, personality, humor, intellect, interest, and passions. So why dumb down for anyone who doesn’t agree with those aspects of you in order to feel desired or wanted? Is the fear of not getting a date worth losing yourself in the process?
 
It helps to be yourself and not be so anxious to meet your date’s needs, because you’re not made to please man, but to please God.
 
When you walk in your true identity in Christ, you won’t lack confidence to be who you are on your dates instead of putting up a facade. Being yourself is a beautiful risk, because being true to who you are and who you serve will show in your walk and talk. It will draw the right people or deter the wrong people.
 
Don’t dim your light for a first date to get a second date, or at any time for that matter. No matter where you are in your single and dating season, it is rewarding to be true to yourself, unapologetically.

Categories
Dating/Courting

Could YOU Be The Reason Why You Are Still Single?

Written By: Jonnita Condra
 
As we close out the remainder of 2017, it is easy to slip into the mindset of, I’ll be single forever. But, before you allow yourself to get into an end of the year funk, I want to offer you some guidelines of reflection to consider as you enter into 2018.
 
1.) It is not time. I know it sounds cliche` and every single person out there is probably tired of hearing, “wait on God’s timing”, but the fact will always remain- God’s timing is just that…God’s timing. In his perfection, God orchestrated a divine timeline for your life, which means the story of your life was written before you were a person. Every detail of your life has been tailored to set you up for each moment that will proceed. What does this mean for you?
 
You need to be present in the present. Where God has you right now is your personal classroom where he has designed specific lessons for you to learn from. As a son or daughter of our Heavenly Father you have the responsibility of asking Him, “Father, what lessons do you want me to learn in this season?” As you seek him in this manner, you soften your heart to his correction and allow him to change you- ultimately making you the one.
 
I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations. – Jeremiah 1:5
 
2.) You still need to heal. My sisters and brothers in Christ, you have to heal. It is not God’s desire for you to continue carrying around the wounds of past hurts. Wholeness is your inheritance. Through wholeness we can receive the abundant life God intended for each one of his children. In your season of healing you have to surrender the broken pieces of your heart, mind, body and soul over to our Father.
Some of us have unknowingly been approaching relationships through a broken lens, hoping our partner will fix us. But God is the only one who can heal us and make us whole. There is a version of you God intended you to become that you have not even seen yet until you get to the other side of healing.
 
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. – Isaiah 43:18-19
 
3.) You have idolized marriage. If you have obsessed over being a husband or wife throughout this year, marriage has become your idol. And we all know, our Father will have no other gods before him.
 
Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. – Exodus 20: 3-4
 
Why does God forbid idols? One word. Protection. When we begin to worship anything that is not the Father himself, it leads to destruction—but when we worship God he replenishes us in every area that we lack. The danger of idolizing marriage is that we begin to lose sight of God and our eyes are then fixed on this idea of marriage and a partner being our source. When that source doesn’t fulfill us, it can leave us emptier than we began, but our father will never leave us empty when we seek him.
 
Jesus answered and said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.” – John 4: 13-14
 
4.) Are you ignoring the relationships around you. It seems like the perfect fantasy to get “the one” and live out the fairytale life we’ve created in our minds. You know, that person we dream of to be ourselves with and we just relate. But what about your current relationships? Are you nurturing and cultivating your relationships with family and friends?
Maybe there is a relationship with a loved one God wants you to reconcile. Perhaps there is someone he has assigned you to minister to. Our ability to cultivate our present relationships sets the foundation for our future courtships and marriages. If we are dysfunctional now, it will open the door for dysfunction down the line.
 
I truly believe that God is building a generation of marriage that consists of two whole individuals   submitted to Christ. We are that generation, but we have a part to play and that means allowing God to mold us into his likeness- so we can birth the next generation and those to come.
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6

Categories
Dating/Courting

3 Ways To Make Your Social Media More Attractive

Happy woman busy sending messages on smart phone email icons flying out of cellphone isolated on gray wall background. Telecommunications, internet, data plan concept

 
Written By: Casey Sharperson
Blog
Sliding into DMs (Direct Message for those wondering) is a thing. It’s referenced in song after song. Yet many [Christians] wonder if it truly is a feasible option to garner dates or if it’s just a means for a quick hookup. While it’s a debated topic, for the sake of this post let’s proceed with the thought that DMs really are a legit way to meet someone.

Why?
Options. Just about everyone is online. This means there’s an entire world outside of your immediate circle. (shocker) We’re a social age, why not let Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook be the vehicles God uses to be your matchmaker?
 
Now that you’re open, here are 3 ways to attract the right DMs. While these tips apply to both men and women, ladies, let the man pursue you!
 

  1. Show your personality – Your social media is your opportunity for people and potential dates to get a snapshot of your life and your perspective. When people click on your profile, how do you come across? Feel free to ask your friends, coworkers, or community this question. What would they think about you, if they didn’t know you? If you love traveling, do you post about it? If you enjoy sports, is that portrayed? If you’re into social change, post it!
  2. Be authentic – Don’t fall victim to the idea that you have to post certain things ust to attract a certain type of person. Folks are perceptive and can tell when you’re false advertising. What’s worse is when someone does approach you and realizes that you’re a completely different person offline than you are online. Let’s stop trying to be perfect and just be real. (That’s a word!)
  3. Post Publically – Yeah, you may want to keep your page and your posts private from your grandma or employer, but private pages don’t get views. You know, after meeting, one of the first things that people do is check their social media. What if you’re tagged in bomb photos but your potential future date can’t click on your handle to see more? Just something to consider…

 
Think of your social media as your online dating profile/resume for whoever wants to find you. When it’s a reflection of who you truly are, chances are high that you will attract someone who’s interested in the real you. Remember, Colossians 3:17 NIV says, “And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father”.
 
Let’s talk about it. Leave a comment about your DM experiences. Have they been positive, negative, poppin, or dry?
 

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

Why I Won’t Go “Hunting” For A Girl

Fellas, this one is for you – lets talk as if we were at Starbucks! Ladies, you may want to listen up as well because I believe the focus of men will rise to a higher standard after reading this article and becoming aware of what will be shared. Also, I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts after you read this… Leave a comment!

“As a man, you have the responsibility to go find your wife! You must go searching for her if you’re going to find her…” says people.

As it pertains to going on a journey to search for our future wife, it has been said that we are the “hunters”. I agree with the concept, to a certain extent. Let me explain.

When you think about a hunter, you normally think of two things: a human being that has been trained to hunt animals (prey); or an animal that has been trained for the same reason, to hunt other animals (prey). So the end result is, something has been hunted for the pleasure of the hunter.

I’ve heard many grown men when I was younger, even to this day, talk about how much they used to “chase females”. I never was too fond of that terminology. Without the attempts to make this “deep”, I’m sure your future wife wouldn’t want to be known as a person that was chased, or hunted for—a “prey”. This is why I shy away from the word “hunter”. However, I do understand the concept. “Hunters” need keen eyes, wisdom, and strategy. When pursuing a potential wife, you need these three things.

KEEN EYES

“…“O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw…”—2 Kings 6:17

Obviously, this isn’t in the context of a future spouse, but I believe the principle stands. As the man, you need keen eyes to see if this is, not only “a” potential wife, but “your” potential wife. You need to be able to “see” a future with whom you’re physically attracted to. Bro, based on what you’re called to do in life (seeing that you have at least an idea), you need keen eyes to see if she is compatible to your destiny. The last thing you want is to marry someone because of how beautiful they looked, how nice they treated you, and how good she made you look with her being on your arm, but when it came time for you to fulfill destiny, she seemed uninterested. Her being beautiful (whatever beautiful looks like to you) and her acting nice are things to seriously consider, but you should’t merely make your decision based off those things. The whole point of a wife goes much beyond a pretty face and a pretty body, but how can she help you in destiny? The wife is to be your helpmeet.

WISDOM

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”—Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

The key to making this Scripture a fulfillment in your life is Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”

When you seek God for wisdom, He gives it freely (James 1:5). This particular passage of Scripture in James isn’t talking about spiritual wisdom, though we need that without a doubt; this is talking about practical, day-to-day life wisdom. When God allows you to “see” who your future wife, when pursuing her, you need the Spirit of God to lead and to guide you in all truth—for He is the Spirit of Wisdom and when you ask, He gives it liberally and unbraideth us not.

STRATEGY

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”—Philippians 4:6

If your aim and goal is to become the husband to the one you see a future with, you’ll need strategy. A strategy is “a plan of action or policy designed to achieve a major or overall aim”. Our strategy, as believers, is what Philippians 4:6 hints to us. We can’t be anxious about anything; including finding your future spouse. Our strategy is worship and petitions to God in Jesus’ name. But we also need natural strategies. You can’t pray all day and expect a perfect relationship.

You need accountability systems in place. You need boundaries in place. It is strongly suggested to have premarital counseling. You need to know how to take her on dates without the flesh taking over. All of this is strategy. You need keen eyes, wisdom, and strategy when pursuing your future wife.

Now, here is where we get to the crux of this article, “Why I Won’t Go “Hunting” For A Girl”. This is where I stand: there is a difference between chasing a girl and finding a wife. The world says “go find”. The Bible says “work and she’ll appear”. I know, I know! That’s totally contrary to what you’ve been taught. Me too. But could that be why you haven’t “found” her yet?

Let’s think for a minute. When Adam found Eve, he wasn’t pursuing her. He was content with working in his purpose and out of no where, Eve literally appeared to him. The Bible said the Lord God “brought her unto the man”. Let’s do some work.

If you find yourself chasing someone who is showing no interest in you, stop chasing her; or you’ll be wasting your time. Some get “lucky” with this method. Some don’t. Me? I’m not chancing it anymore. Here’s why…

Proverbs 18:22 says “he that findeth a wife…”

If you do some research, that word findeth is “matsa” in Hebrew, which means “to appear”. Adam was tending the garden (his place of purpose), doing what he was called to do. God caused a deep sleep fall upon Adam and made Eve to ‘appear’ to Adam. Then Adam identified and named her. What’s the principle? Men, you need to have an idea of purpose and/or need to be working in purpose. The wife is to be a helpmeet. The wife is not a sex object to fulfill your manly needs. The truth is, you don’t need a wife if you aren’t focused on your purpose. How will you know what type of wife is needed for your journey? If you aren’t working in your purpose or at least have an idea of it, what will she be helping you with? What will she be incubating beside a natural seed? I’ll wait…

I believe as you work your purpose, your wife will—sooner or later, in God’s kairos timing—appear before you. Hear me prophetically. Keep your eyes open? Yes. But stop talking to every single female you see that looks like a potential. Befriend? Sure. Jump into a relationship? Absolutely not. Men, we are not dogs hunting for other female dogs. We are men of God who should be focused on destiny.

Hear this prophetic wisdom: as you’re focused on purpose and destiny, I believe she will “matsa” (appear)!

Alright, lets talk. Did this help you?

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Married with Expectations

Unhappy couple at therapy session in therapists office

Many of us have expectations of what desire to see in a mate. Often our expectations are based on past experiences whether good or bad. Case in point, when I got engaged to my now husband, I had a long list of expectations for him. It was during premarital counseling that our pastor helped me too see that I hadn’t healed from past experiences.
After going through counseling, I realized that my expectations of my husband were ridiculous. I had to go back and remember the promise that God had spoken over my life. God told me before we started dating that he was my husband.
During our last premarital session, my pastor asked me what my expectations of my future husband were. I responded, “To love me like Christ loves the church.” Ephesians 5:25 At that moment all my walls came tumbling down, knowing that God wouldn’t bless me with a man that would intentionally harm me.  I also knew, that God wouldn’t give me a man that resembled anything like the men I had chosen before.
If I had kept my long list of expectations that I had before we got married, our marriage would be struggling to thrive. There are days that I still have to check myself so that I’m not expecting my husband to be like anyone else but the man that God has called him to be.
If you have a long list of expectations of your fiancé or husband, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  1. How did God manifest your courtship?
  2. How has God worked in your relationship prior to marriage?
  3. What obstacles or challenges have you overcome together?
  4. Why did you make the conscious decision to marry your spouse?

It’s okay to have standards for your mate but it’s not okay to have expectations of your mate. Your expectations can hinder your marriage from being purpose filled. If my husband had not met my standards, I wouldn’t have even dated him. He met my standards and actually exceeded them.
Expectations can become a burden in your marriage because you are expecting your spouse to act or respond in a certain way. It’s not fair to the person to set expectations on them. If they don’t meet your expectations you began view them in a negative light.
Your spouse isn’t a mind reader, so don’t expect them to know what you are thinking or even desire from them. Always remember that you are two imperfect people and you are not the same. There are going to be some imperfections displayed in the both of you. Don’t let that overpower that greatness that God has brought together. At the end of the day know that we serve a perfect God.
Throw the ungodly  expectations out the door and allow your marriage to thrive beyond what you could ever imagine.
I want to know your thoughts on this subject….Leave a comment below.