Month: January 2017

Categories
Single

5 Things to Do When You're Single

Knee figure of young beautiful black woman walking outdoor in the city using smart phone hand hold, looking over serene - technology, carefree, music concept

by Habiba Abudu
I never had a boyfriend before (cue gasps). I know. I know. How can a fabulous gal like me be condemned to singleness? You may be shocked, but I believe God is protecting me from all the fluff that is out there. I truly believe that society as a whole is looking at singleness wrong. This year my perspective has radically changed and I am really not interested in getting tied down just yet. Here are some tips that have helped me:
 

  1. Travel

I have no babies or man and I can go wherever I please (albeit I need money first), but I am looking forward to the places that God will take me this year.
 

  1. Become a Good Steward

I am learning how to manage my finances, my house and myself. The spirit of self-control is real y’all. I am also using this time to raise up strong women of God and develop a sisterhood. Sowing into other people’s lives is one of my greatest fulfillments.
 

  1. Get in “Rocky Balboa” Shape

I am getting in the best shape of my life. I do believe taking care of your temple is a major key to success. I participate in runs and can walk for hours. Exercise and a good diet has really developed my self-confidence.
 

  1. Develop Intimacy with Christ

While many girls are looking for a relationship, there is a real man who is ready to begin a relationship with you. His name is Jesus Christ. I can spend hours with Christ. Whether it be in the Word or just praying, the process has been really sanctifying. It is through this process that I can share my fears, my failures, my hopes.
 

  1. Pursue Your Dreams

When you married and have kids your time is limited. Right now, the sky is the limit. I am able to dedicate myself to various individuals, go to networking events and be used mightily by God to do big things!
 
Habiba is a freelance writer based in Toronto. My website is www.habibaabudu.com and www.facebook.com/habibadoesthings. 

Categories
Communication Marriage

Top 4 Things I Learned in 1.5 Years of Marriage

dating or first love, young couple sitting together on the bench, view from the back

I LOVE reflecting. There is something so cool about looking back and seeing how far you have come. Reflection allows you to see progress, and helps you to put language to your future – where you want to go. As my husband and I celebrate 1.5 years of marriage today, here are the recent things I am learning in marriage I wanted to share with all of you.
 
1. The Importance of Follow Through.
Whether it is cleaning the dishes after dinner, fixing the leaking sink, or folding the laundry in the dryer.. when you follow through, it allows you to bring something to completion. It rids one thing off your plate, and avoids the all familiar [procrastination] that creeps in so easily if we let it. When we learn to follow through, it allows you to take control of things in your life instead of letting life continuously happen to you, and facing the potential consequences for not taking care of a task right away.
Example – procrastinating on a bill, forgetting and having a late payment. Leaving the laundry in the dryer, having wrinkled clothes when you want to wear that sweater you left in.
Although it may seem trivial, follow through helps teach you to be a planner and how to instill greater habits and disciplines in your daily routine.
 
2. Appreciation Goes A Long Way.
Thanks for doing the dishes. Thanks for taking the dog out. Thank you for driving tonight. Seem silly? Have you ever heard someone ask you to stop thanking them so much? I know I haven’t. Saying thanks and showing appreciation for your spouse’s actions is a really easy way to acknowledge the things they do, or say. Although praise should not be our motivation, it is nice to be noticed, whether it was intentional or not. Appreciation can remove the bitterness one may feel in taking on an additional household task and alter your spouse’s attitude in a given situation. It shifts the perspective from “I” to “we” as we realize we are working together to make life easier.
Think it’s pointless to have to say thanks for the small things? I can almost guarantee you it will help soften your next fight – to keep the laundry list of “things you didn’t do” out of your argument that you have been waiting to get credit for. So whether the giver or the receiver, remember appreciation goes a LONG way. Think about what you would want to hear, and provide the same support to your spouse.
 
3.  Let Go of Control.
As a single, you get used to doing things a certain way, or maybe at a certain time, and this is how you like it to be done. I remember when we first got married – my husband and I used to fold the bath towels differently. Was it really a big deal? No, but when you are used to something happening a certain way, it can drive you nuts! My advice to all our couples out there – think about what you are trying to control about your spouse.
Is your desire for control or “my way” causing you to take on more than you can handle in the relationship?
Are you inhibiting your husband’s growth or demeaning him as a man because you feel like you are the only one that can complete a task to an acceptable standard?
Is this situation/task detrimental to doing it your way, or will you get the same result if you let him accomplish it his way as well?
Control will drive you to the ground if you let it. For individuals with strong personalities, stepping back can be a hard thing to do. Evaluate what you have on your plate and be aware of what you can and can’t handle, before a blow up happens. Marriage has two people for a reason – start working like a team, not like a boss.
 
4. Communication is Key.
Biggest root of almost every disagreement: miscommunication. Whether it was misinterpreting words, what you “thought” you heard, apparent body language – our perception can greatly alter the result of a situation. Albeit, you and your spouse may not have the same communication styles, but learning each other’s, will help you understand how your spouse operates and how to communicate TOGETHER.
As you develop your functionality as a couple, my advice would be over communication vs. no communication. As a married person, you now have another person to consider. So if your meeting runs late, your friend wants to come over, or you are going to end up spending a little extra money than you expected, giving your spouse a heads up will make them feel valued and a part of the decision instead of feeling as if they didn’t have a voice in the situation, or were left in the dark. As time goes on, you’re expectations of each other will become more clear, and you’ll soon learn what types of things are important to your spouse to be communicated, and which notices you may go without.

Categories
Communication Marriage Parenting Spiritual Intimacy

What Happens When You Get Too Busy for Your Marriage

Black couple distracted by smartphones

My wife and I recently had to shed some commitments as other commitments increased in demand and priority. This is normal; and it is important and healthy to understand your boundaries—where your influence begins and ends. With three kids, a youth ministry, a full-time job, and other demands, we are finally learning how to change the world in ways other than spreading ourselves impossibly thin and being baffled by our limited reach.
Letting go of some responsibility when you’re over-committed is crucial. Eventually we learn to be strategic in where we commit ourselves.
What is not okay, however, is letting your family go by the wayside while other “opportunities” chip away at the enamel of your family integrity. There are consequences. We have all seen a movie where the super-qualified husband chases his dreams, ascending the corporate ladder and achieving mortal greatness while his family quietly decays in the background.
Why does Western culture idolize busyness? Pride. Oh, how important an asset you are to all the intricacies of corporate America when you have to “pencil in” time for your spouse. Way to go! “We all have to make sacrifices.” “It’s for them that you’re working so hard.” “It’s going to be worth it in the end,” we tell ourselves.
Let me politely rain on your parade: This parade was never about you. It’s about others. It’s about Jesus. It’s about projecting the beautiful love of God in real-time, high-definition life where others are wowed by a real demonstration of love that has intervened in human affairs, and wrecked us for eternity. If there’s going to be a parade, it should be us parading the power and love of God throughout culture and society, making His name great.
I know that I’m coming across strong. I don’t want you to miss this, though. As I said, there are real world consequences—in your family—if you get too busy for your marriage.
Consequences include:

  1. You learn to “do without” one another. I knew a couple that worked so hard and long during the week that they had no couple identity. They had individual identity, which of course if important, but they denied the world the power of their companionship because they let everything else take precedence. Yes, in marriage, we are two whole, individual people with specific gifts and talents, but we are also the dynamo of husband and wife that loves God and radiates His glory as a living parable before a broken society!
  2. You don’t have patience for each other anymore. When you learn to do without one another, the presence of the other becomes an inconvenience when you finally are together. When the couple I referred to above retired, there was a new dynamic at play where one was constantly irked by the presence of the other, because they were so accustomed to their own routine.
  3. Someone else pays your spouse the attention he or she should be getting from you. He or she builds up a case in their hearts for emotional infidelity. They make compromises for flirtation, because they are desperately trying to fill a void that your absence leaves behind. Covenant does not allow for distractions. It does not permit you to pawn one another off to the highest bidder.

Here’s my challenge for your marriage: let’s break the busyness addiction. Declare a Sabbath for your family time and let’s take back family nights. Your children and your spouse will never be the same because of it!
 
 

Categories
Communication Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

Forgiveness – It’s Essential for Your Marriage!

Young hipster couple hugging each other in winter forest

The most important skill in maintaining unity as a couple is practicing continual forgiveness. In marriage, couples will make mistakes, disappoint one another, and make some poor decisions. No one can deny that these things will occur. The only way to keep a marital relationship growing in the midst of our humanity is to forgive continually. The apostle Paul gave us an incredible challenge in the Word of God, located in Colossians 3:13:
Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you (The Message Bible).
Walking in complete forgiveness in a marriage requires couples to hold nothing against each other and decide to make a daily commitment to practice forgiveness as a lifestyle. Great marriages happen because couples learn never to stop apologizing to and forgiving one another. Couples are to “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32, LASB).

  • Forgiveness begins when couples choose to treat each other the same way that they would want God to treat them. It is when couples extend undeserved mercy that God extends His mercy to them.

 

  • Forgiveness frees you to go forward in life and forward in your relationship. It is a vertical, private act between you and God. Reconciliation is a horizontal act between people who have been separated by a hurt or grievance. Forgiveness and reconciliation work together to protect the integrity and love of a marital relationship. Continually forgiving your mate is all about the Lord’s grace, love, and mercy covering your marriage, through forgiveness, as a powerful testimony of His Glory.

 

  • Forgiveness helps couples to want the best for each other, because being bitter and resentful extracts the love, joy, and peace from your marriage.

 

  • Forgiveness is expensive – it cost Christ His life to die for the world’s imperfection. But the payoff was priceless because no amount of money can ever repay that kind of gift of love! When couples grasp how much God loves them when extending grace and unconditional love to each other, they will experience a marriage that overflows with God’s love.

 

Categories
Home Uncategorized

Forgiveness

thoughtful african woman sitting by the harbour

I can still remember the very day I received the call: “Krystal you need to come home, your mother passed away”
I quickly gathered up my things at work and without looking anyone in the face, rushed to my car, got in and turned the car on. I still didn’t know what to think. I picked up the phone and called the father of my child and asked him to meet me at my house.
When I arrived I saw my mother lying there lifeless. No more breath in her. I climbed into the bed and that’s when everything inside came out. I just cried.
In the days leading up to my mother’s death, I wasn’t around much. I would leave the house every chance I got. Partly because I couldn’t stand to see her in that condition. I can even remember, just a few days before she was taken to the hospital because she was not responding and we were told that it could be any day now. It was hardest thing I was ever told. Even then, I still managed to keep it together and not say a word.
Give your mom a kiss they said, this could be the last day you see her.
With my newborn in my hand, I gave my mom a kiss. I didn’t know God back then and even if I did, me selfishly asking for more time wasn’t going to be granted. My mom was suffering and that was no way to have her live.
I just remember feeling like she gave up. I felt like maybe all my time away from home-made her feel like I didn’t need her anymore. I started to feel guilty and I blamed myself. That’s when the enemy began using my feelings against me. He would always say, you killed your mother. If you were around your mother would still be alive. His lies went on for many years.
See back then I didn’t know what I know today,  I just thought it was myself thinking those things but today I know  it was the enemy.
See he likes to wait until you’re vulnerable then he strikes. He doesn’t play fair. At any cost he wants to keep you from knowing the truth. And the truth was I wasn’t to blame for my mother’s death and she didn’t just give up. The Lord ways are far above my ways and for reasons that I may not ever understand, He decided that her time here on earth was up.
I didn’t need to blame myself.
Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know if you’re in a situation where you’ve been blaming yourself for something happening and you’re feeling guilty but,  I just want to let you know that it’s okay to forgive yourself and it’s okay to ask God to forgive you as well.
He doesn’t want you living in bondage, He longs to free you from that tormented hell you’ve been living in. He wants to hug you, He wants to love on you. He wants to silence the whispering of the enemy in your ears.
I had to forgive myself for hating my mom for leaving me. I had to forgive myself for not being as present as I could have been during the time she was sick. And once I forgave myself, I asked God to forgive me and I even asked my mother for forgiveness. Know that when God says you’ve been forgiven, that’s the end of that misery. The devil no longer has any power over you or that situation.
So I encourage you today to forgive yourself and forgive others as well……
I would love to pray for you. If you have lost someone and you don’t know how to deal with the pain you feel and you’ve been blaming yourself, email me at thepowerofgodlywomen@gmail.com I would love to talk to you and I will gladly pray for you.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Attributes a Man Needs to Date You

Man In Prayer
1. Unwavering Faith in Christ
Before Christ, I dated men that were filled with darkness because I too was filled with darkness. I was longing for love, not realizing that I didn’t have love. I was simply longing for an emotion that wasn’t on the inside of me. In essence, I longed for something I didn’t even know.
I found myself never waiting on the right one but simply settling for all the wrong ones. These men had no faith in God. They didn’t believe in the God that I knew growing up as a child. But again my reality set in, that I didn’t have faith in God either. I knew who God was but I didn’t completely trust that he could be ruler over my life.
I’ve encountered so many broken relationships in my life romantically that I arrived at a place in 2014 that I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I began to have faith in God because I saw for myself that He was the true and the living God. Now I desired not only to put my trust in the Most High God but to also wait for a man that had faith in God. I didn’t want a man with wavering faith. I needed a man that had unwavering faith in Jesus Christ.
2. Incorruptible Reputation
My past isn’t pretty. I’ve made some choices that I regretted making in this life. If you would read my story, my reputation was corrupt. If you heard some of things that I did, you would probably be shocked. Even sometimes when I look back over my life, I too am shocked at some choices I made. The great thing that I’ve discovered is the ashes of my past made beauty of my future.
When God called me out of darkness into his marvelous light in 2014, my sins were forgiven, my past was finished and I was a new creature in Christ Jesus. Living for Christ doesn’t mean that I’m perfect but that God thought I was worth it. Even now when I fall, His love covers me.
I had dated men that said all the right stuff, but their actions never aligned with their words. By the time I realized that they were liars, I had already invited them into my bed, only to find that they were not the one that God had ordained for my life.
So I came to a point of realizing that the man that God needed me to have would need to have an incorruptible reputation. I’m not saying that his past had to be squeaky clean. But I am saying that his walk with Christ had to align with the word of God. His actions had to align with the word of God. The way he treated others and even me had to resemble the word of God.
3. Strong Biblical Foundation
I learned so much about my heavenly father by reading the bible. It is through his word that I’ve become grounded in His truth. It is through His word that my life has transformed and the woman I use to be was formed into what my Heavenly Father wanted me to be. It’s through the bible that I learned how to pray and even what to say.
The man that I prayed for needed to have a biblical foundation. There are so many ideologies out there in the world. Many of our people are falling for beliefs that God never intended for us to consume our spirits with. Because of that very truth, I needed a man that had a strong biblical foundation. A man that wasn’t afraid to open his bible and study the word.  A man that was open to discussing the word aloud with me. A man that was open to being transparent so we could faith share together. A man that was willing to share his knowledge and wisdom with me.
We as women of God must never settle to have a piece of a man because God desires for us to have a whole man. Not just physically but also spiritually. Women of God, please wait for the man with an unwavering faith in Christ, an incorruptible reputation and a strong biblical foundation. Godly men do still exist!

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

Ladies, Stop Losing the Interest of Potentials: 10 Things that Scare Men Away

Ever date a guy and he up and disappears? Now you’re left wondering “What did I do wrong?” Been there, done that! So here is a list of 10 things woman do to scare men away early on in the relationship. This list is comprised of personal experience as well as responses from social media:
Personal Experience
1. Investing Beyond the Relationship Status-
We, as woman, are naturally loving and want to help men in any way possible. This is a turn off to some men, as he may feel you are “doing too much”. I remember telling a guy I was going to buy him a Fossil watch after only knowing him for 1 month (but it was Christmas, so I wasn’t really doing too much, was I? That was a rhetorical question.). Eventually he shared with me that my intentions “scared him because the investment was bigger than our status”.
2. Prematurely Discussing the Future-
I was super excited for the same guy to meet my family; it’s all I talked about. I told him how much he’d love my family…. it turns out that meeting the family within a few weeks of dating is indeed too much.
 
Social Media Response (responses to my status)
3. The “Independent Woman Syndrome”-
“Don’t get me wrong, I love a strong woman; however, there can’t be two Alpha Males in one relationship. If you’re too independent…there’s no need for me”
4. Insensitive-
“Women who are rude and disrespectful to wait staff is a real turn off. It says a lot about a person’s character.”
5. Talking About Marriage
“LAWD! LAWD! LAWD! If you mention marriage on the first date, I’m not calling you again, lol. Seriously, it’s a major turn off when women bring up marriage 1,209,872,347,095 times and we don’t even know each other’s favorite color yet.
6. Discussing Life’s Problems Too Early
“Don’t get me wrong, we all have problems; BUT, I don’t want to hear about them at every meal! It comes off as ‘ungrateful’.”
7. Un-closed Doors-
“PLEASE! I beg you! Close every opened door before you attempt to date a man. There’s nothing worse that being with a woman whose heart belongs to someone else”
8. No Career Plans-
“I like a woman with drive! If you can’t share what you’d like to accomplish in life, I can’t date you.”
9.Unable to Define Love-
“Everyone wants it, but not everyone knows how to give it. It’s hard to believe someone who can’t define love would know how to appropriately give it.
10.Super Clingy-
“My interest can not be your only interest and my friends cannot be your only friends. I like women who have their own interests and friends.”
Bonus:
LADIES, no matter how “confident” your interest appears to be “DO NOT DISCUSS OTHER MALES”. I dated a guy who appeared to be uber confident. I always talked about my boy-best friend, and he flat-out told me: “I don’t want to hear about your friend. No man wants to hear about another man all the time.” Honestly, I meant no harm! I just discuss the people I love with EVERYONE.
Remember to let the man lead, keep these tips in mind, and here’s to not scaring away your dates in 2017. Lol.

Categories
Home Single

Why Settling Shouldn't Be an Option

thoughtful young african woman sitting outdoors

 

Being single comes with its benefits, and I believe during this period it’s important to take it for what it is, and not for what it’s not. It is a great time for self improvement, and getting to know yourself on a deeper level. The happier you are as a single, the happier you will be when you finally meet that someone.

Despite how accepting you are of being single, it can be challenging when it seems like everyone around you are tying the knot, making you wonder when your time will come. This can cloud your judgement, perhaps causing you to rush into an unsuitable relationship, or lead you to make excuses; that the person you’re certain isn’t the one, may actually not be “that bad”.

You may even think that your standards are too high, that perhaps lowering them a bit, may actually help lead you closer to walking down that isle, but walking down the isle isn’t a race. The decision of choosing the person to spend the rest of your life with shouldn’t be taken lightly. Settling with someone whom you know isn’t suitable just for the sake of being coupled up, or not wanting to be alone, or for the fear of never finding the right person, can come at a great cost.

We may settle in various aspects of our lives, even when we don’t intend to.

For example:

  • We  may settle at a job we hate for years because we fear being jobless.
  • We may settle for things that don’t truly make us happy solely to please others.
  • We may settle for an unhealthy lifestyle because we lack the effort and will to do better.
  • We may settle for an ideal that is not our own so we can “keep up with the Joneses.”
  • We also may choose to settle with a person that is not equally yolked, but who we expect to spend the rest of our lives with and just imagine how difficult that will be.

Settling results in a life unfulfilled, causing us to miss our greatest potential.

Scripture states “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

When approaching relationships it’s important to let go and let God, He knows what is best for us. If we accept what is not of God then we are being disobedient to His will for our lives, thus not allowing the best, which may come with great consequences such as divorce or passing on negative qualities to future generations to come. This can result in resentment and frustration.

Scripture also states “But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God” Romans 8 25-28.

The only way to receive the best for our lives, is to stop settling, and relationships are certainly no different.

 

Categories
Home Single

5 Practical Ways to Encourage Yourself During Your Single Season

Closeup of smiling young woman with hair in the wind

Let me start by saying that there is nothing wrong with desiring to be married. However, it is important that you embrace every season of your life. If you are an unmarried person who desires to be married, sometimes those desires can get the best of you, especially when others around you are getting married. Here are a few practical ways to remain focused and encouraged while you wait for that special someone…

  1. Use Scripture

Scripture is always a dynamic way to combat thoughts that are unhealthy, worrisome, or overly exhaustive. Find scripture pertaining to trusting God and “waiting” on His timing. Meditating on Scripture daily will help shape your thought patterns. You will see soon become more focused and less distracted by “the wait.”

  1. Pray for Your Future Spouse

Protection, focus, prosperity, blessings, and the will of God for others’ lives are always great prayer targets. Never pray from a place of your desires; rather, learn to pray the desires of God for your future spouse. If you’re single, more than likely you’re not sure who your future spouse is; therefore, keeping it general prevents you from crossing into forbidden territory – praying outside the will of God.

  1. Read Books

Invest in books that discuss singles and marriage preparation. Such books will help you work on yourself while you wait and will keep you focused on growing as an individual. If you are distracted by thoughts about when your time to get married will come, you will miss the most important part of your life before marriage… being single! There’s so much for you to learn right now!

  1. Listen to Uplifting Music

I suggest putting love songs on the back burner during your single season. Music has the tendency to make us “feel” whatever the lyrics are saying. Therefore, choose music that is encouraging and light; this way you have a better chance of not being overcome by the emotions of desiring a relationship.

  1. Write Letters of Encouragement to Yourself

When you feel overcome by the desire to be married, write letters about the type of spouse you would like to be. Write about your strengths and weaknesses. Ask God to reveal ways in which you can grow while you’re single and dedicate yourself to doing so. Letters and journals are also powerful tools that can encourage you during your season.
Always remember, there’s nothing wrong with desire, but don’t let your desires surpass your reality.