Month: December 2016

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News Uncategorized

Married & Young's Best of 2016

What a year it has been for Married and Young! Our community has grown tremendously and as we stand on the precipice of 2017, it would only be right if we take a look back at some of the great moments that transpired this year.
 
1. Great Articles by Great Writers
Married & Young would not be the online community that you love without daily content geared toward singles, dating, engaged and married couples. Here are 5 writers that brought us some of our top articles in 2016:

2. Social Media Growth
We reached more people via our Facebook (47k people engaged) and Instagram (22k people engaged) accounts, which means that more and more singles, dating, engaged and married couples are being enriched by the message of Married & Young!
3.  Singles Take Over with TOSC & TOU
We heard our singles loud and clear and we did something about it in 2016. The Online Single’s Conference (TOSC) was hugely successful in March of this year with over 19 speakers and hundreds of registrants. Singles again showed us how serious they were about preparing to not just find the right person but be the right person through their participation in and our launch of The One University (TOU) in November.
4. Founders of Married & Young, Jamal & Natasha Miller, Welcome Baby Girl #2:
Melodie Grace Miller arrived as Jamal’s twin in 2016. Natasha was just an incubator but we watched two young, married people grow deeper in love with not just one but two beautiful baby girls.
5. Surveys, Webinars, and Trainings oh my! 
Believe it or not, you’ve only seen a piece of what makes Married and Young relevant, successful and effective. In addition to the webinars and trainings offered consistently throughout 2016, in August, we emailed you a very short survey geared toward singles, dating, engaged and married couples. The information we gained from your participation in the survey was invaluable and helped and continues to help us tailor the content and resources that we provide just for you!
 
As you can see, Married & Young spread its wings in 2016, but this is just the beginning. 2017, we’re ready for take off so stayed tuned because this year will be record-breaking!
 
Whether we’re preparing singles, dating and engaged couples for marriage or keeping married couples thriving, enriched and passionate about their spouses the mission of Married and Young is still the same, MARRIAGE GOD’S WAY!
 

Categories
Communication Dating/Courting Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

What I Learned When My Wife Was Hurting

Man comforting his sad mourning friend embracing her in a park

Recently, I woke up. The cloud of busyness that I had been encapsulated in finally dissipated, and I was left to realize that my wife really needed me, but I had been too distracted. I wept and repented when I realized that my oblivion had left her vulnerable and wide open. I’m her covering. This is what I signed up for: to love, honor, and cherish Sarah.
I am going to love and cover my wife, the way Jesus loves and covers His Church. (Ephesians 5:25)
In the instance of seeing my role as my wife’s servant leader and protector, I realized that a husband loving his wife as Jesus loves His Church is her greatest champion. Her mighty man. I love turning the tables of modern manhood and seeing my wife, not I, as the one who should be displayed. Peter tells us that wives are the “weaker vessel.”
Not weak, though, in the sense of being defenseless and unstable. A better translation would be delicate. This phrase in Greek literally means fine china. (1 Peter 3:7)
In this moment of drawing a line—no, a trench—in the sand: vowing to protect and lead my wife with love, respect, attention, and to love her with abandon, I came to realize three truths about when my wife is hurting.

 1. What hurts her, hurts me.

When a husband sheds his passivity like a worn, overused garment, it is refreshing. I tore off that indifference with a vengeance when I saw that I had turned a blind eye to my wife’s pain—and it seared like an iron when I learned this. To love your wife as Christ loves His Church is to feel such empathy for her pain that you clench your fists until your knuckles whiten , and you shout through clenched teeth, “Give it to me, Lord, if it will take it off of her!”

 2. The enemy of her soul better watch his back.

The next swelling emotion that I experienced after feeling her pain was anger and fury towards the enemy of her soul, who tries to rob her peace and stifle her joy. Your wife was not created to be a victim. She was created to represent the beauty, grace, and strength of God to the world. When the enemy tries to choke out that vibrant life that God fused into her soul, you—like me—will roar. And roar you must. The battered woman image is a façade that undermines the dignity and value that God bestowed upon women. Rebuke the enemy and glorify the name of Jesus in her midst! When your wife is too weary to cry out her battle cry, then cry it out for her.

 3. Whoever blesses her, blesses me.

Finally the storm subsided. Friends and mentors gather around her and you get “tagged out” to rest so others could surround her. This happened to me. A spiritual mother and sisters in her life came to her side and spoke truth over my wife’s heart. My joy returned because her joy returned. God knows this sentiment. Genesis 12:3 tells of God’s burning heart for Israel, how those who bless Israel will be blessed by God. Why? Because He is so invested in His people that when others pour into Israel, He cannot help but pour out His love in return. The Lord is the ultimate example of a husband: He is the Champion of His Bride, and what blesses her, blesses Him—causing Him in return to bless.
Husbands, let’s champion our wives’ position in the Kingdom and defend her against the lies and libels that the enemy tries to place upon her!
 
 
 

Categories
Communication Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways to Recharge Your Marriage

Cute black couple talking and holding hands

Couples can be so busy with the demands of life that they forget to create moments of intimacy as a means of recharging and refreshing their relationship. In fact, many marriages suffer because couples do not reset their perspectives and connect with one another on a regular basis (Proverbs 29:18). Spending quality time with your spouse keeps the fire of intimacy burning continually in your marriage. It also helps couples to re-center their marriage and refresh their hearts for one another.
When God’s love is the motivation for quality time in marriages, it creates amazing intimacy and growth. Don’t let “the unimportant” outweigh the importance of building a great marriage. I have learned that making a priority of spending time together creates meaningful and memorable moments that strengthen your bond and adds depth to your marriage for the years to come. Here are three ways to make quality time a top priority in your marriage:

  1. Take the time to dream together. Amos 3:3 says how can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? Spending quality time is the perfect time to talk, dream, pray, and seek God about His vision and direction for your marriage. Spend time worshipping and thanking God for all that He has done in your marriage. Taking a relaxing walk in a park, on the beach, or in your neighborhood as you dream with one another creates connection and communication without boundaries as you grow closer to Jesus and each other.
  1. Have romantic date nights and spontaneous getaways. This means turning off cell phones and laptops to devote your undivided attention and enjoy one another. Date nights and spontaneous getaways don’t have to be expensive. Take a weekend drive to try a new restaurant, go to a movie and have coffee afterwards, or make a romantic dinner together and cuddle. Whatever you do, be adventurous, laugh a lot, and most importantly, have fun (Proverbs 17:22)!
  1. Write love notes. Surprise your spouse with love notes in secret places like in a book they are reading, in their lunch for work, or on their steering wheel to find during their drive to work. An unexpected love note in the morning can create awesome evenings of intimacy and quality time to keep the passion in your marriage (Col 3:14).

Wherever you are in your marriage, it is never too late to make the commitment to spending quality time with your spouse. Find ways to keep the fire of intimacy burning in your relationship. What other ways can you and your spouse be intentional in your marriage and spend quality time with each other?
 
 
 
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Tips to be a 'Catcher' not a 'Chaser'

Dark-skinned man standing next to his offended wife with Afro haircut and crossed arms, man looking guilty, pointing finger at him, asking what he did wrong, trying to understand what happened to her

Ready for a bold statement?
We are a society that likes the chase more than the catch.
Please know this is a general statement, and that it doesn’t apply to everyone. But in my experiences, we seem to be a group of people that quite often is looking for ‘the next best thing’ and once we have that…we want something better. The benefit of this is that it can translate to having high standards and valuing excellence. The downfall is that it greatly challenges our contentment, and when applied to relationships can make commitment very difficult.
If you have found yourself in a cycle of being drawn to the ‘chase’ but not being able to settle, here are some tips to being a person that values the catch more than the process of getting there.
1. Identify 5-7 qualities in a future spouse that are non-negotiable.
Hopefully you’ll end up with your dream man/woman but they might not be that person the first day you meet them. Decide on a handful of qualities that are a deal breaker for a potential spouse, and allow those to determine who you do/don’t date. With the other qualities you’d like, tuck them away and don’t allow them to dictate whether or not a person is perfect for you. The Lord knows our desires and is more than capable of fulfilling them! Ideally we are constantly evolving into better versions of ourselves, so what you might be wanting may come with time if it’s not in place right away.
2. Understand that any relationship will take work, no matter who it’s with.
It seems that most people look for the next best thing when a relationship starts to become hard or the commitment is tested in some way. The reality is…the next relationship will reach that point too. And the next, and the next, and so on. You’re going to have to be okay with not feeling head-over-heels in love at all times with the person you’re with if you want a relationship that will last forever. However, the reward is great! Withstanding the difficult moments will lead to a stronger bond, deeper intimacy, and ultimately, a greater love for the person you’re with.
3.  Continually look for the good in the person you’re considering as a spouse instead of focusing on shortcomings.
If you don’t want to be a chaser your whole life, you’re going to have to be intentional about seeing the good in the person you’re with. Once you start caring more about their shortcomings than their unique strengths, you’ll easily be drawn to other prospects that don’t have the same weaknesses. (However – they’ll have a different set of weaknesses!)
4. Be present.
When you’re with the person you’re considering as a spouse, where is your mind? Are you thinking about the people/things around you? Are you on your phone? This person shouldn’t have to compete for your attention when you’re with them. It creates tension, and also can make you miss out on moments with him/her that build a foundation for a healthy relationship.
5. Be prayerful.
You don’t know your future, but you can talk to the One that does! If you’re given the green light on dating someone, then there may be an amazing opportunity ahead of you that requires action.
In an age where we have access to much yet little is required of us, being a “chaser” is an easy way to do life… but makes it difficult to truly find what you’re chasing after!

Categories
Finances Marriage

3 Reasons Why My Spouse Isn't Getting Much For Christmas

winter, fashion, couple, christmas and people concept - smiling man and woman in hats and scarf hugging over holidays lights background

‘Tis the season to go shopping! It seems everywhere you look, there are deals – online, commercials, catalogs. The Christmas shopping season has officially begun!
Some couples love to spend lots of money on gifts – whether it be Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, or any other special occasion. We choose to put limits on the amount of money we spend for each occasion. Here’s why:
1. It keeps us from placing a value on our relationship based on the amount of money the other spent.
Now this is just silly. If you think your spouse doesn’t love you enough because they didn’t spend at least $500 on your Christmas gift, there are probably some deeper issues you and your spouse need to work through together. The monetary cost of a material item that you probably don’t need should NOT be the determining factor in what you think your spouse feels about you. (Personally, I love when my spouse saves us money!)
 
2. It helps us stay on track with our financial goals.
Do we ever want something that costs more than we would like to spend? YES! We are human. We enjoy nice things. We still have wants and desires just like everyone else, but when it comes to the bigger, more expensive things, we like to plan them into our budget and save up ahead of time. As an example, ten months into our marriage, we purchased a pretty expensive little puppy. It was something we knew we wanted, so we spent several months making sure we had the savings handy for the right moment (and the right puppy, of course). Are there times that we have bent this rule and splurged? Yes – one of our favorite traditions is going downtown on a random day around Christmas to see a Broadway show in Chicago. We try to set a limit for these shows, but we often spend a little more than we plan for. There are going to be once-in-a-lifetime experiences that come up, and that’s okay if you can afford it, but it shouldn’t be the norm. And it shouldn’t ruin your financial goals. Don’t let something material put you behind financially for the sake of short-term satisfaction.
 
3. It allows us to spend money elsewhere.
This point really determines what is most important to you. Maybe gift-giving and receiving is your primary love language. If big gifts are important, and you and your spouse can afford it, then great! In our house, we prefer to spend less money on gifts in order to save for things we really enjoy, like vacations. Understand that you have a set amount of money, and you can’t afford everything. So make it a point to prioritize where your dollars go, ensuring it aligns with where you want to take your financial future and the lifestyle you want to support.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

How to Identify The Counterfeit

The enemy knows exactly what you want in a man. When we’re having girl talk with our friends or when we are talking with ourselves about the qualities we want in a man, the enemy is listening and  you can bet that he is devising a plan to distract you.
Enter the counterfeit.
He may have succeeded a time or two or three… yes that guy from freshman year was a counterfeit and so was the guy from graduation. Ok. Ok. Ok. Him too. But wait we don’t have to go down memory lane, let’s just refocus here.
The point of this blog is to share with you ways you can identify a counterfeit so we no longer get tricked by the enemy. Now if you can’t get past his physical appearance then it will be hard for you to even see through to his heart. The heart reveals all things.
Being single for seven years has definitely taught me how to identify a counterfeit.

  • Counterfeits pretend they respect your boundaries. When really, they test them.
  • Counterfeits pretend to live by biblical principles. When really, they flirt with sin.
  • Counterfeits are very prideful- not a humble bone in their bodies.
  • Counterfeits are good pretenders. In public they will act like the good, Christian man ,but behind closed doors, he will be the total opposite.

Be careful or you will fall into the trap.

  • Counterfeits don’t have any real intentions. They drag you along, making promises they never plan on committing to.
  • Counterfeits will also attempt to seduce you with what they have-cars and money. They flash it around as if it’s all they have to offer. I guess they never listened to that LL Cool J song when he said “man makes the money, money never makes the man”
  • Counterfeits appear to be the real thing. But they aren’t. They are just wolves in sheep’s clothing.. or coating. (I never really knew what they were saying, but it’s still a really good quote).

They come to rob you of what God is preparing for you. Which is why you have to be able to recognize them when they come along. Being involved with a counterfeit doesn’t lead you any closer to the altar, in fact, it leads you further away.
Having the ability to recognize a counterfeit also saves you from heartache. You won’t have to ugly cry in your pajamas while you sing along to Beyonce’ – To the left To the left, everything you own in the box to the left”.. you know, getting your “Lemonade” on. You see, counterfeits don’t care anything about your soul, all they care about is….  well you know what they care about.
Don’t get caught up Ladies.
I certainly hope that this article was helpful to you. I know I am a much better woman because of my past experiences and I hope what I went through could help save you from a broken heart.

Categories
Engaged

Why I Would Never Get Married Without Pre-Marital Counseling

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In today’s society, it seems premarital counseling is often replaced with a “trial run” as couples are choosing to cohabit more and are pushing marriage off.  With couples getting married later or for those that do not have a strong faith connection, many feel they know what they need to know and are okay with bypassing counseling. However, here are some values of premarital counseling you may want to consider:
 
Pre-marital counseling helps to identify potential problem areas in your relationship.
I don’t care how healthy your relationship is, EVERYONE has something they could work on. Whether it is differing views on managing money, or how each of you prefers to handle conflict, counseling is a good way to help identify those areas of improvement. As a third party, a counselor or mentor brings an objective perspective to the equation as they point out or recognize things about your relationship that may be blinded to the both of you. Counselors also help shed light on relationship issues without one getting offended by the other.
 
Pre-marital counseling brings up situations you would not think to discuss BEFORE they are an issue.
My husband and I went through the book 101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged, and I was amazed at how much we benefited from the process! The questions focused on everything from kids, finances, marriage expectations, role definitions, life-shaping experiences, holidays, etc. It forced us to face potential relationship disagreements BEFORE they occurred.  Here are a few examples –
What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult?
What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? What have you done to address these concerns?
Describe how you were disciplined as a child. If you have children, how will your discipline be the same and how will it be different than you experienced?
What have you learned from your previous relationships that will make you a better partner for someone at this time?
Counseling also helps to instill realistic expectations once the wedding is over.
 
What do you have to lose?
What’s the worst that can happen – you call the wedding off? I would consider that a win versus a lifetime of unhappiness because you didn’t face the challenges of your relationship head on. Counseling will help force communication between future spouses and encourage you to start working as a team before you are united as one. Think of this as the vision board of your marriage – it’s your opportunity to draw the blueprint – what your dreams are, where you want to go, what you want to build, etc. If anything, it will also be a good opportunity to take a step away from the wedding planning and focus on the two of you (which is what this whole wedding thing is about, right?)
Married and Young believes in this so much that they have created a BRAND NEW program for seriously dating and engaged couples called, “Me & You Forever”.
If you are interested and would like to sign up for the waiting list, then click here. 
 
Don’t let wedding planning inhibit your investment into your relationship and future together. I PROMISE you WON’T regret it!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged

How to Remain Celibate While Dating

Interracial couple in love having fun in the city

Recently, I was asked if my husband I were celibate before marriage and if so, how?
My response: “yes and one word – boundaries!”
Before I met my husband I made up in my mind I wasn’t going to make the same mistake for a third time and I was determined to remain faithful to God and honor Him with not only my life but my body.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I learned from previous mistakes that it’s better to avoid temptation than be in a situation where you have to flee it. When my husband and I started dating we made sure to only see each other in public and we never visited each other’s homes. It was best to just avoid close quarters. Watching a movie late at night while my roommate was out of town was no longer an option.
Along with our boundaries there were several things that helped us remain celibate before marriage:
1. Understanding: we were both on the same page.  We both had the same end goal of marriage, thus, we were intentional about dating God’s way.
Dating someone who is not fully in agreement would had been hard. I’ve been in that situation before and failed.  You’re more likely to be tempted by your partner  and he/she may not be as committed to the relationship.
2.  Accountability: we both had someone close to us, who we allowed to check in on us. My husband and I came up with a grading scale and after every date we would rate ourselves. We got a C once but never failed. Sounds funny now but it worked, and we would share our grades with our accountability partners.
3.  Protecting Your Eye & Ear Gates: when dating it may be best to skip over the love scenes in movies and avoid some of  your favorite R&B songs. It’s probably best to stick to comedy and gospel. Ha!
 
Abstinence while dating is absolutely possible but it takes intentionality. However, it’s always worth the wait!

Categories
Home Single

3 Things to Remind Yourself Everyday as a Single Christian

Portrait of a thoughtful woman looking at window

1.You’re Not the Only One.
Social media has a way of making us think we are the only single Christian men and women left on planet Earth. There have been many occasions that I have logged on Facebook only to find that my friend was in a relationship or see someone has gotten engaged. Then of course, all the feelings come flooding in your mind. When it will be my turn? What’s wrong with me? I’m the only one left!
This isn’t true at all. The enemy tries to trick us into thinking that were are alone in our single season. Nope! There are many single Christian men and women, just like us. They are praying, waiting and hoping for the day to come that God reveals their spouse to them. Don’t become weary in this season because you’re not the only one.
2. God Knows Your Future
Often we start to grow impatient thinking that God has forgotten about us. He is blessing everyone else with a mate but we’re still single. We want God to reveal the future to us but it’s funny that He doesn’t give us all the details. What would be the point of trusting Him, if He told us everything? There would be no reason to stand strong on the word of God.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
Trust that God knows the future. He knows when He will manifest the blessing of you having a mate. Don’t give up on the promises of God. Mediate on His word, day and night. Know that your season is coming because God knows your future.
3. It’s not too late
Gosh! I hear this all the time. Maybe it’s too late for God to bless me with a mate. Maybe I messed up so bad in the past that this isn’t an option for me. This is all non-sense. It’s never too late for God to bless you with a mate. Age isn’t a factor. I’ve seen people get married in their mid-40’s and even some at the age of 60.
Your past doesn’t dictate your future blessings. Let go of the past! God is going to bless you with a mate in due season. Have you ever heard the saying: “He may not come when you want him but He’s right on time”. Exactly, it’s not too late, God’s is preparing the best for you!
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Dangers in Following Your Heart

People love to give the advice to follow your heart when pursuing a new relationship, but this is unbiblical. The word of God does not instruct us to follow our heart, but instead to guard it (Proverbs 4:23). Here are 3 dangers in following your heart.

  1. The Heart is Deceitful– Jeremiah 17:9 tells us “The heart is deceitful above all things. And it is extremely sick; Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?” If you are following a heart that is deceitful and sick will it give you the truth or perspective you need in order to make healthy choices and decisions and to obey God? Absolutely not! Your heart will attempt to fulfill its own desires and is not concerned about the casualties created as a result of its selfish pursuit.

 

  1. The Heart is Void of Wisdom– Proverbs 28:26 informs us that fools trust in their own heart but there is safety for those who walk in wisdom. This scripture indicates there is no wisdom or safety found in trusting in or following our own heart. Our own hearts can mislead and misguide us. When we allow the painful memories from past relationships to become embedded in the memory of our heart, it becomes a source of false wisdom and counsel in new relationship experiences.

 

  1. The Heart is Inconsistent and Emotional– Another danger in following your heart is based on the season you are enduring in your life, your heart will lead you based on its emotional state. The problem with this is when we are led by our emotions we do not have an accurate perspective of our situation and if we are led by our emotions we are not being led by the truth of God. Have you ever witnessed a woman make a vow to her husband and God that she will love, honor, respect and be faithful to him for the rest of her life….then in a challenging season when she feels he does not understand her, she confides in and gives her heart to another man who seems to be more understanding than her husband? The emotions of her heart have deceived her into believing it is acceptable and justifiable to break covenant with her husband to connect to another man who understands her. Instead of guarding her heart during this vulnerable season, she chose to allow the emotions of it to guide her. Relationships have been ruined because people chose to follow their own heart and not God’s heart or will.

The next time someone tells you to follow your heart do yourself a favor and tell them no thanks; I would rather follow God’s heart! He will never lead me astray and cannot fail me!