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Finding Love
There is no mistaking I grew up with a very distorted view on love. My parents divorced when I was only four years old & something went awry from there.
Without knowing their story I cannot blame them for what went wrong. But something did. Somewhere in their love story something was lost, and I inevitably went looking for it.
I didn’t go looking for what went amiss in their love story, but I went looking for a way to fulfill my own. I always ended up in the wrong place, but I kept looking anyway.
And, one day it hit me.
How do I even know there is more to love than what my parents showed me?
Why do I think there is more?
I had only ever known my parents as being divorced and logically I should have been okay with that. They were the ones who modeled what marriage was (or wasn’t) and that is what I should have seen as acceptable for my own life.
Except I didn’t.
It wasn’t until recently that I started to realize just what it means when God says He knew me before I was even born. As I began to recall back on situations that caused hurt in my life God started to reveal to me where He was in each of those moments.
When I was kicking and screaming in my bedroom doorway, “no one loves me!”, God loved me and in a very real way He was that doorway standing strong, framing my life.
When I was kicked out of my house at 13 I felt rejected and damaged; Yet God provided a safe place for me to go, and He accepted me in my brokenness.
When I lost my virginity at 15 I thought I had found love. But when my reality was crushed by truth that I had been used for a “game” I contemplated if life was worth living. And, it was then, as I sat on the edge of my bed with a piece of glass in my hand, that God planted a deep seed in my heart that stopped me from ever causing physical harm to my body.
So, ask yourself. How do you know there is more to love than what has been modeled before you?
What tells you that love is more than what you have ever experienced?
The day I decided to open my heart to God He showed me I was right all along to believe in a better love. And, ever since that day I have felt whole. I no longer feel like I am missing something because I know the creator of love, and He has fulfilled the void in my life that I so desperately wanted for 20 years. I am married now, but my search for love was completed before my husband ever proposed.
I encourage you today to ask yourself if you have ever experienced true love. And, not the kind of love they sell you in movies or books. The kind of love that no human can fulfill, but the kind of love that cannot be explained because it far surpasses all understanding.
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I know today is Valentine’s Day, and I remember how it was for me on Valentine’s Day when I was single. I would always go to God and ask Him if this would be my last Valentine’s Day without a Valentines.
Nothing wrong with being honest with God! He loves when we pour our heart out to Him as long as we are ready for His response.
Well, each year I would get the same reply from God,”Let me do my job, and you do yours”.
Well, my job was to continue preparing myself to be the best me that God had destined me to be for my future wife. And, that is exactly what I did. I did intentional things to prepare myself for marriage.
It is easy for us to think we don’t play a part in the season of waiting on our spouse, but we play a major part. Believing and trusting God is step 1, but taking action and preparing is step 2. The bible says in James that faith without works is dead.
Everything you do before you say, “I Do” is preparation for marriage.
Preparing for my marriage was one of the best decisions I made because now being married I am seeing the results each day as I grow to love my wife more and more each day.
In honor of Valentine’s Day I want to offer you my Amazon best selling book, 25 Ways to Prepare for Marriage Other than Dating half off the regular cost. This book was written straight from the things I did to prepare myself for marriage. It has helped thousands become intentional to maximize their season of singleness for the glory of God!
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Go now and prepare yourself for one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life.
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Why You Should Stop Waiting?
Why You Should Stop Waiting?
It seems like the dawn of day will never come, well at least with me it does when the agonizing diminishing minutes of waiting in the Starbucks line drag on for what seems like an eternity. You scroll through the news feed, you check your Instagram, you take a selfie or two (don’t even try to deny that you haven’t done this its just sad) and sweetly jam to whatever blasts its way into the speakers of your car. Waiting.
Then you finally reach the glorious window to grab the drink you just felt like you went through a marathon of tribulation to get! It tastes just as good as you thought it would and you realize you carried on with life in the waiting. You continued to be. The drink came just like you knew it would without a second thought. And all the while you carried on living life in its entirety because of one great assurance; the reward for the wait would be there in the end.
Now I know that is an infinitely grand symbolism to relate the relationship woes of singles to the steamed Starbucks lattes we savor, but stay with me I promise I’ll whip up a delight for you in the end.
WAITING
Webster’s states the word waiting as a period of time spent inactive or stationary. For many singles the ideology behind being in the season of waiting means being inactive or dormant to life. We should just await the arrival of his or her significant other, or the the next season of life when in reality Jesus came to “give life and life more abundantly.” Jesus didn’t sacrifice himself in hopes that during the “waiting” season of our lives we would expel ourself from living it.
In 2 Peter 1:2 it states, “Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God.” God wants us to have peace in the grace of the season He has us in. When we are celebrating in the season of our singleness He means for us to stop waiting in the literal since of giving up life and wait in the beauty of His assurance, the assurance of the great reward awaiting in the end of our season.Whether that is moving into a new season of singleness, a new relationship, a new place to live etc. When we stop looking to the next season to make life better and start seeing Jesus for all He has and is in the now. We settle in the peace of the grace of the present.
SEEING SINGLENESS
Singleness is to be lived. Not waited out in agony of finally being done like a math test or credit card application. Singleness isn’t about the pursuit of “finding the one.” Singleness is to be savored like a Starbucks frappe on a hot day. It’s to be lived in its fullness to grasp the great grace; knowledge and truth the Lord wants to extend to us.
When the choice to choose forever with the right person does come, (if marriage is even the end result for what God has for you) that its viewed through a season which was lived out in love and light not one waited out in disillusion and depression.
Singleness isn’t to be viewed with bitterness and sarcasm such as, “All good things come to those who wait”, I sure hope so because if I’m waiting for bad this is going to suck. “Why are you still single”, because becoming a magician was taken? Singleness should be a place on the journey where books are read, road trips are made at midnight, community is at your core, relationships with sisters or brothers in Christ are deepened, laughter is abundantly more, where dreams are drawn up and accomplished by the droves. Stop waiting for life to start or force people into a place which hasn’t yet been established for them in your life because you are so tired and exhausted of the process we’ve deemed waiting.
STOP WAITING
Hear me out please, I am not saying throw in the towel and go completely off the cliff of your foundations and cornerstone of standards. I am saying though stop claiming singleness as a dead, dormant dry season meant to be the end of all ends until you get to the mountain top. Instead change the viewpoint of singleness to be lived out not waited out. Let life be enjoyed, let God become more savored and let love most of all nourish and grow in the living out of the waiting.
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully? Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” Ephesians 3:16-19
This verse to me is the motto us as singles should be holding onto in a season where Christ longs to make His home in our hearts and bring us to trusting in Him even more for filling the space where our future mate will capture one day. But in the mean time letting God’s love grow deep in us to keep us faithful and strong. And this is the very best part so we can have fullness of life! A season of waiting isn’t death. It wasn’t meant to wait out with dread and expectations of lack. It is meant to be lived in the fullness of life, to be enjoyed to the utmost all the while increasing our faith and hope in the assurance of the end result that God is ever faithful in His promises to us!
If we are just waiting to wait out the waiting we are waiting our life to death.
And when we finally start living the waiting fades in time and we soon realize the reward came just at the perfect time and we arrive to the window of goodness, exceedingly abundantly more than we could ask or imagine. A future full of promise and the reward of all that our sweet heavenly Father promised us. And it just so happens to beat out a good Starbucks drink any day. Don’t you think?
Written By: Angela Groce
My husband and I met in person at Central Park. Our business conversation quickly turned into a conversation about everything else. As he walked me to the train (after his attempt to kiss me) he stared at every movement my large lips made. I kindly asked him not to do that because it made me uncomfortable as most full-liped ladies would know. Now that I think back to that encounter, I wonder if he was looking at my lips or mesmerized by the things I said to him.
As I said in a previous article, he told me he loved me just days after meeting me. Thinking back now, I know that we were at the most vulnerable points in our lives and were able to be honest. Honesty is most important when trying to develop a relationship with someone. It is even more important than having things in common and spending quality time. It’s definitely more important than playing the so-called game of “trapping the man.”
We’ve all done it: try to find ways to get him to put a ring on it. But it is impossible to make him want you if you aren’t being yourself. The best way to show him who you really are is by the words you use. Don’t be afraid to voice what you are looking for in a relationship. You don’t want to run him off with your long list of demands but be candid about the type of relationship that you want. Make sure that you are clear that you want a monogamous relationship that can possibly lead to marriage. Why waste time? In the past, I’ve told guys that I just want to keep it casual when I really wanted to say, “I want to have your babies.” Although, God allowed me to be fearless enough to say that to my husband on our first date, I could have kept that to myself. The thing that I did let him know, which was the right thing to do was that I was tired of mindlessly dating. Yes, I was young (20) but I was tired of having a broken heart. I made sure to let God know and let him know.
I was honest but I wasn’t demanding—not at first anyway. I simply explained to the man I knew I wanted to marry, that I don’t casually date and that I hoped that the next man I was monogamous with was going to be the last person that I was with. I assured him that I was not pressuring him into anything but I wanted to be open with him. I didn’t want to date him under false pretenses and I didn’t want him to do that to me either. He appreciated my honesty and felt like he could be honest as well. It turned out that he was tired of just dating too. He was actually considering marrying someone else if he didn’t meet the right one by age 30. He appreciated that he met me before he made the mistake of marrying the wrong one.
Though it may be early in a relationship consider that the early days are your building days. These are the days that you are constructing the foundation for a long-lasting love. Love can only exist in an honest place. Its foundations must be biblical in order to thrive. “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” (Proverbs 18:21) You have the power to speak life into your relationship by being honest so be mindful of the words that you speak to your potential spouse. Also, be careful not to be demanding; that is a good way to run him off. Don’t think that as soon as you talk about your intentions for your future that you should start planning your wedding. “4Love is patient and kind…6 It does not demand its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6) It just means that you’re not wasting anymore time in relationships that aren’t going in the right direction.
Do you have to do anything special for your wife or girlfriend for Valentine’s Day to make her love you more? Probably not, but why is the kind of Valentine’s Day that 95% of Americans do for their girl good enough for you?
I’m not writing to average men.
I’m writing to Godly men that are trying to be better than they were last year.
I know some people reject the commercialism of Valentine’s Day. So don’t call it Valentine’s Day—and don’t settle for one day. Think of it as your girl’s week. This is her week to be treated special.
Extra Special.
I’m going to give you some ideas that will potentially lead you deep into her heart. I think it was Rose on Titanic that said that a women’s heart is a vast ocean. Well, these thoughts are going to cause you to move deeper into the ocean of her heart. You just might discover what you’ve never seen in her before.
This week begins on Monday and ends on Saturday. Of course it would be great to continue this after that, but let’s focus on this week for now.
I know some guys will spend more time in a few weeks thinking through their NCAA tournament bracket than they do on romanticizing their wife.
Let’s not be those guys.
So, let’s get into the Valentine Week Ideas.
I have broken each day into 4 segments:
Text to send: You will send her a text sometime during the day while you are away from each other. Some days might have 2 texts to send.
Project: This will take the most time, so decide to turn off the TV this week. Instead, get to work on making this truly the best Valentine week ever. Put your heart into it.
Blessing to share: Your bride/girlfriend is the deep ocean that we discussed above. She might be dealing with a lot of negativity, poisonous self-defeat, a difficult work life, etc. so this will be a time for you to pour fresh water into her soul.
Gentlemen Habit: You may already do these habits. If you don’t, then start forming these habits this week to honor her.
If you do even 30% of this, it will bless your lady in a special way. Remember: She is the flower in your life and you are the dirt. We can nurture her life by pursuing her in a creative manner.
Monday
Text 1: I’ve made it my ambition this week to make this “insert your girl’s name” week. Get ready for an incredible week.
Text 2: I’m so fortunate to have you as my best friend.
Project: Order Monopoly now so you will get it by Wednesday. Yes, you may already own it, but you need a new one for this and it will be the best $12.99 you ever spend. Here is what you need to do:
Properties: Rename all the properties. Label them with all the different places you and your wife have lived or places you have you vacationed. For example, I changed Boardwalk to Mackinac Island where my wife and I honeymooned. Simply write the different places on paper and then cut them and tape them over top of the property spaces on the board. When you play the game (later this week), each time one of you lands on the property, share a special memory from going to that place.
Chance Cards: You also need to rename some of the chance cards and instead name them Passion cards. Write down your ideas on small pieces of paper and tape them to the side of the “passion” cards. It could be questions you ask each other, attributes you like in the person, etc.
Community Chest: Rename these cards Love Chest. These cards can mirror things on the cards already. Just be creative with what you write so that the game continues to be eventful and fun.
This project will take around 2 hours to create if you hustle but will be a great experience to share with your sweetheart. Don’t hesitate, order it right now.
Blessing to Share: Do this before she goes to bed. The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord cause His face to shine upon and be gracious to you.
Gentlemen Habit: Open the car door for her every time you are out with her. When you leave the house, leave the restaurant, pick up the kids from practice, etc. If a doormen at a hotel can do it for your wife, then we can for our wives too.
Tuesday
Text: I feel like every day with you is Thanksgiving because of how thankful I am for who you are.
Project: Today’s project is couch time. Sit on the couch together and catch up on what is going on with her. You turn off your cell phone, turn off the TV, and gaze into her eyes. This can also be done at a coffee shop, etc. If you need some inspiration, these questions here could be of help (I will add a link here).
Blessing to Share: This is a good day to write her a poem. Take 15 minutes out of your lunch time to write this out. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t done this in years. This week isn’t about you anyway, so write from the heart and she will see that in your words.
Gentlemen Habit: Use manners frequently today. Say thank-you, excuse me, & let her sit down at the table first—pull her chair out for her. You don’t have to be at a fancy restaurant to go the extra mile.
Wednesday
Text: I am so glad our kids have you as their role model for what a women should be. I’m so blessed to have you in my life.
Project: If you have kids, tell her that you want her to go shopping, go to the coffee shop, etc. while you watch the kids. Tell her to take 2 or 3 hours and enjoy herself. If you don’t have kids, tell her to do the same thing, and you stay back and clean, clean, clean.
Blessing to Share: If you have kids, put a chair in the middle of the room and have all of the kids and you say at least 3 things why you are thankful for her. If you have no kids, you can do the same thing.
Gentlemen Habit: Take her car to the gas station and fill it up for her. Leave a note on her steering wheel that says, “I know you can fill up the tank yourself, but thank you for allowing me to do little things like this for you.”
Thursday
Text: I’m staring at your picture in my office and so thankful for your eyes of love looking back at me.
Project: Tonight is the night to work on your “Romanticopoly” game. Look at Monday’s explanation for details.
Blessing to Share: This would be a good night to declare your love on fb for your girl. If you don’t have Facebook, go to your myspace.com and write a post about herJ
Gentlemen Habit: Be on time. Start making it a habit to be on time so that you show you respect her time.
Friday
Text: Tomorrow is going to be a great day. Great food, Great Experience, & a Great date with you.
Project: You need to continue working on your “Romanticopoly.” If you feel comfortable in the kitchen, you can also make her favorite entrée from her favorite restaurant in your kitchen. Go to www.copykat.com for the recipe.
Blessing to Share: Send an email to her parents describing what a wonderful woman they raised and how you are focusing on loving her more than ever.
Gentlemen Habit: Make the bed today. Put away your toothbrush, toothpaste, and clean up your hairs from shaving. Put down the toilet seat more consistently.
Saturday
Text: Today is just a normal day. Another normal day of being with you. I love normal!
Project: Decide what time you are going to eat and what time you are going to play Romanticopoly. I would suggest you plan on playing the game for at least an hour, maybe 2. Yes, you can play the game to win, but the heart of this game is to reminisce about all of the memories you have as you land on the renamed properties and to enjoy the creative “passion” and “love chest” cards you created.
Blessing to Share: Prepare a top 10 list of the reasons you love her. Share these during your meal.
Gentlemen Habit: Look in her eyes when she is talking and make sure you are competent in the skill of active listening.
As with all ideas, tweak, scrap, change, and modify for your situation.
What One Can Do, Another Man Can Do!
Who’s in for creating a great week for our beauties?
As I watched the movie “Addicted” this past weekend, I was brought to tears. Exactly how did a movie based on a popular erotic novel written in 1997 bring me to tears? Here’s how:
(Spoiler Alert)
Addicted is about a woman who has it all. She has a husband, two children, her own company and makes a good living. In search for sexual fulfillment, she begins to have an affair with not one, but two men. Finally ready to break it off with them both, she arranges a “meeting” to break up with them. Leaving her cell phone at home, her husband follows her and ends up saving her life when one of them turns into a psycho. Faced with the possibility of losing her husband, she attempts to face her painful past. Finally, it is revealed that three boys rapped her at the age of 10! Faced with the possibility of losing her family, she joins a Sex Addicts group.
According to the CDC, nearly 1 and 5 women are/will be a victim of sexual abuse in her lifetime, 40 percent of which will never seek professional help. 40% percent of which will walk around with this secret hunting them for the rest of their lives, seeking comfort in various ways. Some suppress the daunting memory, while others utilize multiple defense mechanisms. The truth about defense mechanisms, they don’t completely defend. They are simply ways to cover up the issue, which seem to leak out at some point or another. Before you know it, you have these habits and ways of thinking that “came from nowhere”. The unfortunate truth is, they will go nowhere until they are properly dealt with.
As a mental health professional, I understand the importance of dealing with issues of the past. As a Christian, I understand the enemy will take a “cracked door” and open it as wide as he’s allowed. Merging both together, leaving the past undealt with keeps the door wide open for the enemy to have his way, eventually crippling your future. Before you know it, you’re in a place where you never thought you’d be with people you never thought you’d be with.
Now, some people think marrying someone will cure the hurt, and ultimately make you forget about your daunting past. Is it possible? Yes Is it likely? NO. When something stinks you can mask it with air freshener; but if you don’t throw away the trash, it isn’t be long before the house sticks again. The same is true about marriage and a horrible past.
Marriage wont cure an abusive experience, it won’t heal the wounds left by an absent father, nor will it make life perfect. There are only three things that can save your marriage before it even happens 1. Jesus Christ, 2. You, and 3. Therapy/wise counsel. While you are yet single, deal with your past now. Don’t wait!
By the end of the movie, Zoe brought her family, 2 men, and her company’s employees into a web of hurt, creating even more hurt for her. I cant help but wonder how the ending would have been if she had dealt with the hurt of her past sooner. Don’t make the mistake Zoe made, protect your future marriage by dealing with the past now.
Proverbs 11:14Amplified Bible (AMP)
14 Where no wise guidance is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.
XOXO,
Shannon C Colar
“A Leading Lady”
