Tag: relationships

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Reconcile Your Past Relationships to Gain Access to Your Future

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As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
 
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
 
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
 
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
 
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19).  Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
 
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and  to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
 

Categories
Engaged Marriage

The One Thing Your Spouse May Never Ask For, But Really Needs From You

Two weeks ago I again had the privilege of watching my husband read one of his books to a group of preschoolers. In the days leading up to the event, I honestly believe I was more excited than he was. I reminisced about the first time we met in Central Park and how timid he seemed when he presented his first book to me. Now, seven books later, and he is proudly showing the world his talent.
Watching his growth and seeing his abilities blossom is a true inspiration to me. Even when he doesn’t have confidence in himself, I have confidence in him, and he always has confidence in me.
It is your duty as a spouse to be able to love and support your significant other regardless of what happens. The fact is, when the two of you come together for one purpose, you are less likely to fail.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.”
Even if you don’t think you have anything to lend to your spouse’s gift or ministry, having a cheerleader, a counselor, and a friend is important and vital to the success of your spouse. Unfortunately, if they can’t find that in you, they may be tempted to find it in someone else. I am not saying they will cheat (emotionally or physically), but they can begin to confide and put their trust in someone else with their gift for the sake of affirmation and support.
Your spouse’s gift was given to them by God, which means that it is a part of who they are. In other words, when you married him/her, you agreed to love and cherish that gift.  Colossians 2:2 says, “I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love.” In this scripture, Paul was speaking to the church of Colosse in regards to the church of Laodicea and other believers. If it is important for the body of Christ to be knit together, how much more important is it that you are knit together in your marriage?
You need to be melded together in all aspects of your life including your hopes and dreams. Your hopes and dreams, as well as your spouse’s, speaks to the inheritance that you will leave for future generations. Don’t be responsible for the shortage of an inheritance because of your lack of encouragement.
Be the reason your spouse pushes on through all of the hurts and falls. Remember that each of us has a purpose and because you and your spouse are connected by the rib, your spouse’s purpose is also a part of your purpose. Don’t allow your negativity and lack of enthusiasm to stop you or your spouse from fulfilling their purpose.
 
 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

Sex and the Christian Wife

Like most women who didn’t enter into their marriages in piety, I was not a virgin when I met my husband.
Honestly, even if I was, I probably would not have made it to the alter a virgin.
I fell deeply in love very quickly and let’s just say, I couldn’t keep my latest promise to God.
My man and I had fun. We spent weekends in bed, ordering food, and staying up long enough to satisfy each other. It was as amazing as it was damning. We both knew what we were doing was wrong, even though it was soooo good.
Now that we are married, sex has taken on a new form. It is more than just fun. It is transforming.
Everything I thought I’d never be able to do (due to lack of flexibility) God has somehow given me the strength to do.
As weird as it might sound, I think the youth pastor from my old church was right, “Sex is better after you pray!” The euphoric feeling of confirming that we are one sends me over the top every time. The way we touch goes far beyond what I’ve experienced in the past.
According to my current pastor, “Sex is meant for procreation.” Apparently, it is not meant to be enjoyable or done in any other position but missionary. He is right, God says that we must “multiply,” but he also made sex a significant part of marriage.
Sex is the joining of two souls. In the end, you walk away with a piece of that person. “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’” (1 Corinthians 6:16). This is why sex should only be between man and wife. It is spiritual, not just of the flesh.

I remember discussing sex with another woman from my church and I said that the first form of sex involved God, Adam and Eve. She considered me a weirdo from that point on, but she wasn’t able to see past the negative connotation of sex. What I meant, though, was that God’s definition of sex is two souls coming together to create something new. When God made Eve, he joined his soul with Adam to create her. He took Adam’s rib and from His breath formed a new being.
The beauty of that encounter is the same way we Christians need to see sex.
It is not something nasty or wrong, as long as you’re with the right person.
 It is the one thing that only married couples should do, so why should we act as if it is wrong? For appearances? As long as my bedroom/bathroom/whatever room I’m in’s door can lock, no one can see me. Yes, God can but the wonderful, amazing ecstasy of it was also created by Him, why wouldn’t He want us to like it?
I won’t lie, there are times when I’m going the extra mile that I feel guilty, but the word says that his body belongs to me and my body belongs to him.
It also says that I must be submissive to him, servicing him in the way he requires. I am a woman that is intent on following the word. So whatever he requires, wherever, and however he requires it, I will give it to him.
Because he is mine and I am his and it shall remain that way.

Categories
Marriage Physical Intimacy

Romance Your Hubby This Valentine's Day With the 5 Senses

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

Why You Should Stop Waiting?

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Why You Should Stop Waiting?

It seems like the dawn of day will never come, well at least with me it does when the agonizing diminishing minutes of waiting in the Starbucks line drag on for what seems like an eternity. You scroll through the news feed, you check your Instagram, you take a selfie or two (don’t even try to deny that you haven’t done this its just sad) and sweetly jam to whatever blasts its way into the speakers of your car. Waiting.
Then you finally reach the glorious window to grab the drink you just felt like you went through a marathon of tribulation to get! It tastes just as good as you thought it would and you realize you carried on with life in the waiting. You continued to be. The drink came just like you knew it would without a second thought. And all the while you carried on living life in its entirety because of one great assurance; the reward for the wait would be there in the end.
Now I know that is an infinitely grand symbolism to relate the relationship woes of singles to the steamed Starbucks lattes we savor, but stay with me I promise I’ll whip up a delight for you in the end.
WAITING
Webster’s states the word waiting as a period of time spent inactive or stationary. For many singles the ideology behind being in the season of waiting means being inactive or dormant to life. We should just await the arrival of his or her significant other, or the the next season of life when in reality Jesus came to “give life and life more abundantly.” Jesus didn’t sacrifice himself in hopes that during the “waiting” season of our lives we would expel ourself from living it.
In 2 Peter 1:2 it states, “Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God.” God wants us to have peace in the grace of the season He has us in. When we are celebrating in the season of our singleness He means for us to stop waiting in the literal since of giving up life and wait in the beauty of His assurance, the assurance of the great reward awaiting in the end of our season.Whether that is moving into a new season of singleness, a new relationship, a new place to live etc. When we stop looking to the next season to make life better and start seeing Jesus for all He has and is in the now. We settle in the peace of the grace of the present. 
SEEING SINGLENESS
Singleness is to be lived. Not waited out in agony of finally being done like a math test or credit card application. Singleness isn’t about the pursuit of “finding the one.” Singleness is to be savored like a Starbucks frappe on a hot day. It’s to be lived in its fullness to grasp the great grace; knowledge and truth the Lord wants to extend to us.
When the choice to choose forever with the right person does come, (if marriage is even the end result for what God has for you) that its viewed through a season which was lived out in love and light not one waited out in disillusion and depression.
Singleness isn’t to be viewed with bitterness and sarcasm such as, “All good things come to those who wait”, I sure hope so because if I’m waiting for bad this is going to suck. “Why are you still single”, because becoming a magician was taken? Singleness should be a place on the journey where books are read, road trips are made at midnight, community is at your core, relationships with sisters or brothers in Christ are deepened, laughter is abundantly more, where dreams are drawn up and accomplished by the droves. Stop waiting for life to start or force people into a place which hasn’t yet been established for them in your life because you are so tired and exhausted of the process we’ve deemed waiting.
STOP WAITING
Hear me out please, I am not saying throw in the towel and go completely off the cliff of your foundations and cornerstone of standards. I am saying though stop claiming singleness as a dead, dormant dry season meant to be the end of all ends until you get to the mountain top. Instead change the viewpoint of singleness to be lived out not waited out. Let life be enjoyed, let God become more savored and let love most of all nourish and grow in the living out of the waiting.
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully? Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” Ephesians 3:16-19
This verse to me is the motto us as singles should be holding onto in a season where Christ longs to make His home in our hearts and bring us to trusting in Him even more for filling the space where our future mate will capture one day. But in the mean time letting God’s love grow deep in us to keep us faithful and strong. And this is the very best part so we can have fullness of life! A season of waiting isn’t death. It wasn’t meant to wait out with dread and expectations of lack. It is meant to be lived in the fullness of life, to be enjoyed to the utmost all the while increasing our faith and hope in the assurance of the end result that God is ever faithful in His promises to us!

 If we are just waiting to wait out the waiting we are waiting our life to death.

And when we finally start living the waiting fades in time and we soon realize the reward came just at the perfect time and we arrive to the window of goodness, exceedingly abundantly more than we could ask or imagine. A future full of promise and the reward of all that our sweet heavenly Father promised us. And it just so happens to beat out a good Starbucks drink any day. Don’t you think?
 
Written By: Angela Groce

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Set the Foundation for Love with Honesty

My husband and I met in person at Central Park. Our business conversation quickly turned into a conversation about everything else. As he walked me to the train (after his attempt to kiss me) he stared at every movement my large lips made. I kindly asked him not to do that because it made me uncomfortable as most full-liped ladies would know. Now that I think back to that encounter, I wonder if he was looking at my lips or mesmerized by the things I said to him.
As I said in a previous article, he told me he loved me just days after meeting me. Thinking back now, I know that we were at the most vulnerable points in our lives and were able to be honest. Honesty is most important when trying to develop a relationship with someone. It is even more important than having things in common and spending quality time. It’s definitely more important than playing the so-called game of “trapping the man.”
We’ve all done it: try to find ways to get him to put a ring on it. But it is impossible to make him want you if you aren’t being yourself. The best way to show him who you really are is by the words you use. Don’t be afraid to voice what you are looking for in a relationship. You don’t want to run him off with your long list of demands but be candid about the type of relationship that you want. Make sure that you are clear that you want a monogamous relationship that can possibly lead to marriage. Why waste time? In the past, I’ve told guys that I just want to keep it casual when I really wanted to say, “I want to have your babies.” Although, God allowed me to be fearless enough to say that to my husband on our first date, I could have kept that to myself. The thing that I did let him know, which was the right thing to do was that I was tired of mindlessly dating. Yes, I was young (20) but I was tired of having a broken heart. I made sure to let God know and let him know.
I was honest but I wasn’t demanding—not at first anyway. I simply explained to the man I knew I wanted to marry, that I don’t casually date and that I hoped that the next man I was monogamous with was going to be the last person that I was with. I assured him that I was not pressuring him into anything but I wanted to be open with him. I didn’t want to date him under false pretenses and I didn’t want him to do that to me either. He appreciated my honesty and felt like he could be honest as well. It turned out that he was tired of just dating too. He was actually considering marrying someone else if he didn’t meet the right one by age 30. He appreciated that he met me before he made the mistake of marrying the wrong one.
Though it may be early in a relationship consider that the early days are your building days. These are the days that you are constructing the foundation for a long-lasting love. Love can only exist in an honest place. Its foundations must be biblical in order to thrive. “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” (Proverbs 18:21) You have the power to speak life into your relationship by being honest so be mindful of the words that you speak to your potential spouse. Also, be careful not to be demanding; that is a good way to run him off. Don’t think that as soon as you talk about your intentions for your future that you should start planning your wedding. “4Love is patient and kind…6 It does not demand its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6) It just means that you’re not wasting anymore time in relationships that aren’t going in the right direction.

Categories
Parenting

When A Marriage Starts to Negatively Affect the Children

One of the points in my life that truly defined my childhood was watching my parents fight. I literally felt that I was not only in the middle of it but I was the reason for the fighting. I often felt like I had to choose sides and if I didn’t choose the right side then that would cause an even bigger issue. Another significant part of my childhood (and adulthood) was dealing with migraines along with a whole host of “medical mysteries.” My emotional issues manifested itself physically.
I have two parents who love me and my brother to no end. They would do anything for us including spending eighteen years in a painfully loveless marriage. My brother and I spent so much time wondering when they were just going to give up. What were they waiting around for? I learned later that they thought it would be best for us to have both parents in the home but it was probably one of the worst parenting decisions that they’ve made.
According to the word of God, divorce is not to be granted unless adultery is committed. What if they’re wrong for each other and it is now hurting the kids? Let’s examine what adultery is as defined by the word of God. “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)
When you get married, you vow to love your spouse’s qualities and flaws but when you feel like he/she isn’t good enough, it means you’re desiring greener grass. You may not have someone in mind but you are lusting after the idea of a person. The bible refers to lust as “looking with intention.” The bible uses the “eye” figuratively to describe who we are and our inner desires. In other words, the eye represents the soul. “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22) The sign of a healthy eye is one that is complete. When you get married, you become one with your spouse. If your soul separates from your spouse, whether it be by physical means, in heart or mind, then your eye is unhealthy. It is in search of another soul to cling to and it is at that point when you commit adultery. It is now up to you to try to find a way to reconnect with your spouse or decide to live outside of your union. When children are involved, consider that the children feel everything that you are feeling.
“Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21) As parents, it is your duty to protect your children. Staying in a marriage that causes you to fight and be consistently unhappy in front of your children is not protecting them, it is provoking them. Your negative energy and relationship makes it difficult for them to have healthy relationships in the future because all they’ve experienced is dysfunction.
They will be reluctant to be married and discouraged by the definition of love set by your standards. Remember, the way you want your children to be loved and cared for in a marriage is the same way you should love and care for your spouse. This means trying to salvage the marriage through counseling and making an effort to rediscover the things that made you fall in love with them. It also calls for you to take some time to examine yourself and come to terms with your truth. When did you change? When did your soul disconnect from the person you vowed to love? Ask God to forgive you for allowing your marriage to disintegrate and ask Him for guidance.
If you feel like the marriage has come to an end, the best thing you can do for your family is humble yourself, and seek counseling together as a couple.  Continue to strive for a cordial relationship with your spouse in order to raise the children. It will give your children the chance to understand what it means to have a healthy relationship.

Categories
Engaged Home Marriage

Refusing the Generational Curse

I didn’t learn about generational curses until 5 years ago during a Deliverance service. Generational curses are negative things that follow a family for generations. It is a cycle of regrets, rejections, addictions, and pain. Though your marriage may seem perfect, there are curses that may follow you, if you allow them to.
Growing up, I was surrounded by dysfunctional relationships, including that of my parents. I saw the phony happiness as well as the blatant disrespect on both parts. How is a child ever to know what love is? In my eyes, love was not something I thought I’d ever have but I felt I needed. It scared me because I thought that if I sought love then it would hurt. And it did.
Love was treacherous for me from high school, when I first started (secretly) dating up to the time I met my husband. Even though I was not allowed to date, I snuck around and I am kind of glad that I did. I was able to get the ugly out of the way and now I have more time with the man made for me. I am not advocating pre-mature dating or disobedience. I should have listened to my mom but my stubbornness has helped as well as it has hurt me.
My generational curse was the idea that love was supposed to be “painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary,” like Olivia Pope thinks it should be (Scandal Season 2). Love is supposed be the feeling of “peace in the middle of the storm,” being empty and full at the same time, being inexplicably happy, and yes extraordinary. But that wasn’t what I saw in my household or in the generations before my parents. I had to let go of the memory of my forefathers and embrace the vision God gave me.
Before getting married, I spent time studying 1 Corinthians chapter 7, where Paul discusses sex and marriage. I struggled with fornication and I wanted things to be perfect in my relationship. I studied and studied until I started to look past the sex aspect and learned that marriage is about sacrifices; it is about the positive bondage. I didn’t realize that this type of connection or “oneness” existed because it wasn’t anything I had ever experienced or witnessed. The “bondage” puts an end to that curse because it required me to cling to my spouse. I had to shake off the old single me AND the old curses I was raised under.
When I started attending church on a regular basis, I witnessed happy marriages. Spending time around marriages that were strong, broke the curse and created a blessing. I threw away the curse of brokenness and clung to unity. I am determined to have an 80 year marriage as crazy as it may seem. I had to combat the mistrust, the desire to give up, and the painful past in order to step into my future.
 
 
 
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Marriage

Let Your Husband Find You: Part 1

It was four years ago when I expressed to my pastor that I was in love and we were going to be married. He insisted that my husband-to-be only told me those words to sleep with me. It was at that point that I knew I didn’t have a counselor. I felt alone. How dare he try to take away my blessing? That day I walked away feeling like I was in a fight for my life. I knew that his feelings were that of many people who could not understand finding happiness in just 6 months.
A year and a half before meeting the love of my life, I sat in a bath tub with tears flowing down my face. I was suffering from a broken heart. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me again and this time got a girl pregnant. I felt like dying. Was he the best that I could do?
As I cried, I recalled a sermon that I heard just a few weeks before. He met a young woman who was desperate for a husband. He explained to her that her husband will find her.
“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” Psalm 18:22
As women, we cannot force relationships because its not our calling to. God created man FIRST meaning it is his duty to initiate the relationship. When he finds his wife he finds a good thing because he has found the missing part of HIM.
The pastor then instructed her to make a list of all of the qualities she desired in a husband and said that in a year, she will be married. The word of God says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7 It is when we ask, and have faith that God will answer us. We may not receive what we want exactly when we want it but in His time we will receive our answer and possibly our husband.
The young lady didn’t believe the pastor but by the next year not only was she married, she had a child.
God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. It is not up to us or anyone else to tell us what our calling or a blessings are. When we make the conscious decision to talk to God about our future, we are relinquishing the right to take control. “Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” (Psalm 55:22). If we put our total trust in Him, He will not steer us wrong, whether it be in relationships or life in general.
Following the pastor’s advice, I was able to marry the man that I requested. I rebuked every negative person that tried to advise me against following God’s word for my life including my pastor. We cannot let anyone stop us from obtaining what is rightfully ours.

Categories
Marriage Parenting

Living With The Inlaws

Last year my husband and I fell on some hard times and we were unable to upkeep our beautiful (cheap) apartment and take care of our little one. My mom so graciously offered to take us in which was a struggle for my husband and I. We were worried about what it could do to our marriage. As new parents, we also feared that we wouldn’t be able to raise our child the way we wanted to. Today, we are on big happy family considering this continued arrangement. Here’s how our marriage has survived almost a year of living with an in-law.

  1. Be clear about the boundaries in the home.

Although you want to be respectful to your parent/in-law, it’s important to be open and honest about what you expect the living arrangements to be even if you’re being helped. The last thing anyone would want is the family falling apart. Before you pack even one box, say “We absolutely appreciate the help but we still want our child to know who his/her parents are.” One of my biggest pet peeves is a child recognizing their grandparents as their parents when the actual parents are available to take care of their child. My husband and I make sure we not only do the basics but we are very present in her life. We don’t take advantage of the fact that my retired mother is in the home.

  1. Don’t Take Advantage of the Living Arrangements

As I mentioned in number one, mom and dad (in-laws) are not the live in nannies. Make sure you spend as much time with your child, doing the same things you would if you were on your own. After all, you brought the child into the world. The point of being in the home is to be able to provide the best for your child so try to be your best.
Contribute to the home. We all know moms love to cook and clean for their babies but that umbilical cord does not automatically reattach as soon as you go back home. Offer to cook once in a while. Take over the chore of cleaning and please, please do your own laundry!

  1. Communicate with your spouse.

If you are living with your in-law and you feel uncomfortable don’t be afraid to say so. Keeping that secret can be detrimental to your marriage and cause damage that may take years to repair. Sometimes your in-law may try to “help” by being intrusive and offering unwarranted advice. Not having an open, ongoing conversation about your feelings not only leaves your spouse in the dark but it leaves you in the dark. You are uncomfortable in the place you call home and unsure about the state of your marriage. Holding on to that can stop you from being your best.
If you are the one living with your parent and you feel like your spouse isn’t contributing enough, just tell them. Don’t be afraid to say, “I know this isn’t ideal but thank God we have a roof over our head. Let’s try to do our best to do as much as we can to show our appreciation.” Have a continued open conversation about your feelings about everything.

  1. Communicate with your parents.

You’re living with your parents so it’s safe to say that you have a good relationship with them. Talk to them whenever you feel like they are crossing the boundaries you previously set or any new lines that need to be drawn. Even though you’re grown, your parents still want the best for you. Be respectful and assure them that you appreciate everything that they’ve done but be straight forward.

  1. Don’t be afraid to be intimate!

You’re married, regardless of where you live! Being intimate is absolutely important for the survival of any marriage, more so if you’re in someone else’s home.