Tag: divorce

Categories
Marriage

5 Steps to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

Praying Couple

I visited a church recently where the pastor told me, “Our church is facing an epidemic. Six or seven of our couples are getting divorced.” I was astonished. More than that, though, I was hurt. I would never condemn or judge a couple facing divorce. I’ve actually walked with couples in the middle of divorce and I have never heard such brokenness.
I have heard the pain of divorce being compared to death—because, in a way, it is.
Most of the people I know who have endured divorce had legitimate reasons to pursue it. I’m not talking to the people who have wept, agonized, and sought God’s face in marital crisis. This article is for before we reach that point.
Divorce should have never become trendy in Hollywood. But it is. Divorce should have never become a symbol of liberty and newfound identity, because marriage should do that. One of the unfortunate things about divorce is when a person entertains it as an option. A seed is planted.
These are five things that every individual should do before divorce ever becomes an option.

  1. Pray and listen. Don’t just present your case to the Lord without intending to listen. (This isn’t really prayer; it’s more like a monologue that the Lord listens in on). As in every area of our Christian walk, we want to be led by the Holy Spirit. Listen-to that still, small voice. Listen-to what He says in His Word. Listen-to godly council in your life.
  2. Fast. Fast for your spouse. Fast for your destiny. Fast for your marriage. When we fast, we smother the worldly appetites of the flesh and apprehend our souls to communion with Christ. Fasting will expose selfish motives and align us rightly with God’s ways. Carnality will be under the knife in a devoted fast.
  3. Get counseling. This is one of the first things people think of, but it is extremely effective. Finding another married couple with years of experience to mentor you is a great way to see what you haven’t been able to on your own. As many great marriage counselors say, even if your spouse won’t go with you, you should at least go. This brings me to the next point…
  4. Look at yourself. When someone we love was in the middle of a huge marital crisis, my wife told the woman, “This isn’t a marriage problem. There are deep issues that need to be looked at; the marriage is a byproduct.” Is this a marriage problem or a me problem? I believe in personal revival. From a broad perspective, true revival, where Christ’s Kingdom saturates every man, woman, girl, and boy, begins when I look at my need for Christ and respond. In marriage, what toxic thoughts, words, or deeds am I pouring into the marriage?
  5. Fight! Don’t go down easy! Before divorce becomes a possibility, fight against hell’s war on marriage! Spiritual warfare is a crucial part of a Christ-centered marriage. Use your heavenly resources to fight for and protect “what God has joined together!” (Matthew 19:6) I know it hurts. I know there was fault on his or her part. I believe people when they say they pleaded and prayed for God to save the marriage! Now, before being driven to the courthouse steps, stand on God’s purpose for your marriage! Pray that the devourer (Satan) will be forced back and that the Lord would reveal any hidden bitterness. Remind the enemy Whose you are and that you believe in Godly marriage!

Yes, divorce is real and it’s taking out thousands of marriages. Let us be found standing and believing that God’s beautiful plan for marriage will stand, and that our marriages will spark a marriage revival—where divorce has no name.
 
 

Categories
Parenting

When A Marriage Starts to Negatively Affect the Children

One of the points in my life that truly defined my childhood was watching my parents fight. I literally felt that I was not only in the middle of it but I was the reason for the fighting. I often felt like I had to choose sides and if I didn’t choose the right side then that would cause an even bigger issue. Another significant part of my childhood (and adulthood) was dealing with migraines along with a whole host of “medical mysteries.” My emotional issues manifested itself physically.
I have two parents who love me and my brother to no end. They would do anything for us including spending eighteen years in a painfully loveless marriage. My brother and I spent so much time wondering when they were just going to give up. What were they waiting around for? I learned later that they thought it would be best for us to have both parents in the home but it was probably one of the worst parenting decisions that they’ve made.
According to the word of God, divorce is not to be granted unless adultery is committed. What if they’re wrong for each other and it is now hurting the kids? Let’s examine what adultery is as defined by the word of God. “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)
When you get married, you vow to love your spouse’s qualities and flaws but when you feel like he/she isn’t good enough, it means you’re desiring greener grass. You may not have someone in mind but you are lusting after the idea of a person. The bible refers to lust as “looking with intention.” The bible uses the “eye” figuratively to describe who we are and our inner desires. In other words, the eye represents the soul. “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22) The sign of a healthy eye is one that is complete. When you get married, you become one with your spouse. If your soul separates from your spouse, whether it be by physical means, in heart or mind, then your eye is unhealthy. It is in search of another soul to cling to and it is at that point when you commit adultery. It is now up to you to try to find a way to reconnect with your spouse or decide to live outside of your union. When children are involved, consider that the children feel everything that you are feeling.
“Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21) As parents, it is your duty to protect your children. Staying in a marriage that causes you to fight and be consistently unhappy in front of your children is not protecting them, it is provoking them. Your negative energy and relationship makes it difficult for them to have healthy relationships in the future because all they’ve experienced is dysfunction.
They will be reluctant to be married and discouraged by the definition of love set by your standards. Remember, the way you want your children to be loved and cared for in a marriage is the same way you should love and care for your spouse. This means trying to salvage the marriage through counseling and making an effort to rediscover the things that made you fall in love with them. It also calls for you to take some time to examine yourself and come to terms with your truth. When did you change? When did your soul disconnect from the person you vowed to love? Ask God to forgive you for allowing your marriage to disintegrate and ask Him for guidance.
If you feel like the marriage has come to an end, the best thing you can do for your family is humble yourself, and seek counseling together as a couple.  Continue to strive for a cordial relationship with your spouse in order to raise the children. It will give your children the chance to understand what it means to have a healthy relationship.

Categories
Marriage

Divorce: It's a Choice

Divorce.
It’s such an ugly word, is it not?
That word alone can bring walls crashing down in marriages.
I recently had a friend go through a divorce and I was surprised by my own emotions in the days following the news. I was very much heart broken hearing what my friend was going through, but I was also so sad to see the destruction of a Christian marriage.
This situation caused me to ask myself, and God, some important questions:

  • Was my own marriage next?
  • And, if Christians aren’t exempt from divorce then who is?

I know my husband could tell how hard I was taking all of this because I would just lie awake at night staring at the ceiling. I felt the heaviness of the burden this life can give when we turn our eyes from God. No matter how hard I prayed I just could not find the peace I needed to accept that yet another marriage had failed.
So, was my marriage next? How long before my husband and I face this same cross road and fail to overcome?
Thankfully, I realized that no, my marriage was not next; unless I chose to allow it.
That right there is the key component for any divorce: allowing it to happen.
From the very beginning, before you even tie the knot, you have the choice to make your relationship succeed or fail. Once you consciously understand that everyday is a choice to bring success or failure to your marriage then you can operate with a distinct purpose.
Everyday you have to choose to love your spouse more than anything else you desire. And, yes, this even means yourself! There are days when I am so bad a solely focusing on my own needs that I lose perspective of why I am even married. When his happens you HAVE to tell yourself to stop or the downward spiral will only get worse.
The day you place your career, your kids, your hobbies and your own agenda before your spouse is the day you hand your marriage over to destruction.
It doesn’t matter who you are, Christian or not, if you can’t properly align your priorities and place your marriage first you will not live to have a successful relationship.
No one ever wins by coming in second place, and that means your marriage too.