Tag: relationships

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Parenting

4 Ways Marriage Has Made Me a Better Human Being

Jonnese and I met each other my senior year of high school. There’s no way I would’ve predicted that years later, at the young age of 20, I would be married! If you knew me at all, just the thought of that is insane! My relationships didn’t last more than three months, life was one big party constantly lived for the moment and I was nowhere near a healthy, stable or mature state to be responsible for other lives let alone my own highly dysfunctional self.

I should’ve been the last of my friends to settle down and be serious about marriage and this whole “starting a family” thing. In fact, I thought it was a joke! The pursuit I had for my life was for the pleasure and success of me. But as we all know, God tends to have extremely different plans.

Anyone who’s had children or married young will tell you, it challenges you to grow up and mature pretty quickly. Not everyone does, but any sincere person who cares for the well being of their child and spouse has to make changes and make them immediately for their survival; mentally and physically.

Although I never planned to get married and have a family young I don’t at all regret it. I thank God because my family saved me from the destructive path I was on, reeled me in and molded me into a better person for so many reasons.

Marriage has taught me:

  1. To Accept Differences

Sure everyone is different, we know that much. Different races, personalities and backgrounds are things we briefly encounter day to day. But what happens when you have to live with those differences every day and it affects you in a personal way.

Well, honestly you’re forced to understand, respect and work those differences out if your marriage is going to have any chance of surviving. Because you will be more different than you thought!

In the beginning its cute. It’s interesting! Its no big deal. Until you realize you handle struggles differently, you communicate differently which creates barriers when conflict arises or now you have kids and raise them differently based on your individual backgrounds. Differences can easily create conflict in the home. What was once tolerable shortly becomes intolerable when it imposes on your life personally.

Marriage forces you to identify those differences, come to a full understanding of one another and mutually agree on how to work through them on a day to day basis to gain a common goal; a healthy growing family. When you can master this in your home, it’s only preparation for being able to deal with the differences we will face in our world in a positive manner.

 

  1. To Forgive the Unforgivable

Let face it, human mistakes won’t end just because you said “I do.” We’ve been raised on fairy-tale endings of happily ever after, but what really did Snow White and Prince Charming face long after they rode into the sunset?

Perfection and completion finishing at the altar of marriage just isn’t reality. In fact, your spouse may disappoint you a number of times as you will them. As imperfect humans we make mistakes, we learn, we grow from them. And boy is marriage a life lesson of learning and growing.

When you’re in a marriage, two become one, and so everything they do directly affects you. There’s no equal unity so closely bonded like a marriage. No relationship we ever have is like our marriage and so we may have never experienced this dynamic where every choice, no matter how big or how small, one person makes impacts our own life every time in such a personal way.

That includes their mistakes. They will mess up. They will do things the wrong way. They will say the wrong things at the wrong time. They will make you question how this will continue to work this way.

That’s what happens when two imperfect people come together. They become an imperfect couple. But grace is the substance that makes the unworkable, somehow work. So we forgive and we grow again and again and again.

And just when it seems like we got it, we do it all over again. It is the God kind of love that keeps marriages fueled. When we can master the act of grace in our homes, from experience we’re taught how to extend constant grace towards others in the outside world.

 

  1. To Not be Reactive

Reactive behavior is when our choices and behaviors are dependent on the choices and behaviors of others rather than us being responsible for our own selves. Thing like, “they made me act this way” or “maybe if they didn’t do this then I wouldn’t have done this”. It absolves us of all responsibility for ourselves. It’s when our behavior is determined by and reacts base on someone else. Reactive people are ruled by feelings and conditions.

On the other hand proactive people don’t blame others or circumstances for their behavior but act from their own conscious choice based on their values. They determine to focus their efforts on the positive things they can do to shift the situation.

For example, I’m not going to curse you out just because you cursed me out. That doesn’t align with the foundational values I stand on in my life and so I choose to not be reactive by letting your actions determine my own.

When you’re married, again, everything the other person does always affects you personally just from being one and sharing the same living space every day; from their behavior, reactions, language, word choice, etc. In every healthy relationship at some point someone has to choose peace and the bigger picture over being “right”. That’s choosing not to be proactive and not reactive.

If you want your marriage to survive you soon find that retaliation, revenge and pushing buttons back goes nowhere but down. So you quickly learn, or need to learn, the self-discipline of not being reactive. When we can master the choice to not be reactive based on the behaviors of others we can then go out into the world making positive changes rather than conforming to every negative circumstance.

 

  1. To Commit to a Life of Sacrifice

Marriage is sacrifice period. Biblically both leave their families and cleave to one another to begin a new family. The wife submits to the headship of her husband and the husband lays down his life to accommodate his wife time and time again. There’s this ongoing balance of sacrifice consistently being made.

There’s this quote I love that says, “Great marriages are made when husbands and wives make a lot of everyday choices that say ‘I love you’ rather than choices that say ‘I love me’.

And the truth is, in order for any relationship to work there has to be a mutual willingness to sacrifice for one another otherwise it becomes one sided and the other person will soon feel taken advantage of. That kind of model will collapse and won’t last long anytime someone feels unappreciated or unnoticed.

Marriage takes financial sacrifices, sacrificing what I want to do for what you want to do, sacrificing self-fulfilling desires, sacrificing time and much more. You’ve made a vow to commit your life to this person as your partner and you as their support through good and bad till death do you part. And every day you are dedicating to upkeep this vow mostly out of the goodness of love. Learning to make these kinds of sacrifices, putting another’s life and interests before your own, day in and day out teaches you tremendously the heart of sacrifice when it comes to those around you.

When I look back on the person I use to be and was headed towards I can honestly say that marriage has kept me grounded and matured me. It has made me a better human being in general because of the way its molded my heart to learn how to work through and accept the differences of others, to extend grace a midst mistakes, to maintain a positive reaction and live a life of sacrifice. Sometimes we focus so heavy on being ready for marriage that we don’t realize many times it’s the marriage that shapes us.

Was this helpful and is there anything marriage has taught you in growing to become a better person? Don’t be afraid to comment below! I’d love to hear back from you.

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Marriage

When Trust is Broken: The Road To Restoration

There is a part deep down in every person that wants to believe that they would never lie to or hide anything from their spouse, and that their spouse would return the favor. Whether it’s a tiny little fib or a whale of a tale, unfortunately there comes a time in every marriage where honesty and complete transparency takes a backseat to our fear of some thing or other.
Uh oh…it just got real in here. I am sorry to report that this isn’t one of those feel good topics, it’s going to make you to take a look at the harsh reality of the human condition. The fact is, trust gets broken. Like one of those ships in a bottle, it can be shattered by the slightest shake and takes countless hours and effort to rebuild.
Whatever side of the situation you may be on, giving up and walking away always seems like the first and best solution. It is natural to want to protect ourselves if we’ve been lied to and to shy away from responsibility if we were the offender. In a godly marriage, this just isn’t an option. It means its time to go to God, and time to go to work.
It’s About What You Believe: When someone lies or commits a trespass, we often forget that the action itself is not the issue, it is a belief that causes the action that needs to be addressed. For example, if a spouse struggles with a porn addiction, then restricting access to computers is only a band-aid and they will find a way back to their old habits.
A successful approach would be to find the root of why they feel the need to have this behavior in their life and attack the source. By separating who they are from what they do, you can honor the person and destroy the lie.
It’s About Working Together: When there is a break in a marriage’s trust, it takes a team effort to bring it back together. It’s not about having the offender go off and fix him or herself until they are ready to behave.
Of course some situations call for time apart but both people should be actively strategizing a game plan and not wallowing in their self-pity. It’s about repentance and forgiveness joining forces and keeping lines of communication open so that there is no room for the enemies lies to creep in.
It’s About Where You Are Going:  Getting hurt by a loved one can make you take a look in the rear view mirror at all the prior offenses so that you can justify your hurt and anger. It is ok to take stock of the situation and notice repeat behavior, but don’t linger there.
Forgiveness is what we are called to do and part of letting go of the past is looking to your marriage’s future and finding something to grab onto. What piece of your spouse’s God-given identity and destiny can you pick up and show to them?

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Dating/Courting Home

How To Determine if the Relationship is Going No Where

 
Would you invest your time, energy or finances into a college program for 2 years knowing you will not be awarded a degree or any form of official certification in the end?  Would you agree to consistently pay a car note every month for 3 years and at the end of paying the full cost of the car you have to return it to the dealership?
If not, why would you invest your time, energy and finances into a relationship that has no potential to go any where? It is imperative that you define every friendship, relationship or potential relationship before entering into it. Defining your relationships early will determine if the relationship is worth pursuing or entertaining.
If your relationships are undefined you risk the possibility of not receiving what you need.   There will be excessive confusion, miscommunication, and the relationship will most likely not grow or evolve into anything more than what it started out to be.
When relationships are undefined there is no clear agreement between the two persons involved of what is to be expected in the relationship or what are the needs of each person. In this case assumption becomes the foundation of the relationship and one or both people involved at some point becomes hurt or offended due to the lack of defining what they need or expect in the relationship. So how do you successfully define your relationships? Defining your relationship requires communication and for you to ask the right questions. Some key questions to ask are as follows:
“What do you expect out of this relationship?”
“What are your expectations of me?”
“Where would you like to see this relationship go?”
“How were your past relationships?”
“Who are you accountable to?”
“Are you willing to be transparent with me?”
“What are your goals?”
“What are some things that are important to you?”
“How is your commitment level?”
“What are some of your main responsibilities?”
“How is your relationship with God?”
“What are you strengths and weaknesses?”
 
If you or the other person believes these questions are too invasive, it is a clear indicator you are not ready to handle a relationship. Relationships are meant to be open and transparent. Without honesty, openness and transparency the relationship will never grow or mature. Asking these or similar questions will reveal the heart of the person and their intentions of wanting to pursue you. These questions are important factors in determining if you or the other person have the capacity to entertain a relationship with one another.
If one person in the relationship is not ready for a commitment, asking these questions will expose this issue. It will reveal the posture of their heart concerning relationships and whether or not they are ready and serious about pursuing you. After asking these series of questions (the determination stage is not limited to these few questions) it is important to not make plans to try to “fix” the other person, coach them into agreeing to be committed to you or proceed into a relationship when red flags are present.
 
Attempting to move forward in a relationship where it is clear that the other person is not ready for a commitment is unwise and a sure indicator the relationship will end in disappointment. It is unhealthy to assume if you invest time, energy, finances or put ‘work” into a person they will become ready.  Investing in a relationship with a man or woman who clearly shows signs of not being able to commit or are not interested in anything long term with you is like leasing and investing in a car and at the end of the agreement sending it back to the dealership to be purchased by someone else.
It is a waste of money and time and in the end you start back at square one. Just because you invest in someone does not mean they will grow to love, value, and honor or want to marry you. Asking key questions early on will determine if the person is close to or already positioned to offer you these things. It will always be your choice of whether or not you want to invest in a dead end relationship.
Choose Wisely!
 

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Finances Marriage

5 Ground Rules for Money Management

From the desk of the Modern Day Cindi:
One of the core values of a healthy marriage should include healthy finances. Even more importantly, although the marital bed should be kept warm and undefiled, it can indeed become cold, unsafe and distant—the space between spouses during times of financial unrest can feel like a deep, dark, bleak abyss.
Of course, the coolness of the mattress can happen for several reasons, but studies have shown that increasing distance between spouses is often due to the misunderstanding or misalignment of goals and/or intentions of how to manage current and future uses of money in the household. And this, by far, could be one of the worst things that could happen in the marital bed.
When I first got married, money was consistently at the center of most discussions. Whether in agreement or working through differing views, the discussion of finances never went away…in fact, the conversations became more and more detailed as each of us had to peel back layers of who we were to come to a common understanding that created a workable foundation.
During those communications, I learned that it was important to set ground rules so that the frustration around the money pot would not taint the sweetness of the honey pot. Here are a few of those ground rules:
Ground Rule #1: Transparency is key
Have open and honest communication. No Secrets! Be honest about your past and current state financially including salary/income, number of bills, outstanding debt, etc.
Ground Rule #2: Create a safe space
the environment should be such that it is easier to discuss finances and possible past mismanagement so that neither or either spouse feels condemned, judged, or alone.
Ground Rule #3:  Never stop communicating
Have the hard conversations, not only the easy ones, but the tough ones as well. These talks should occur frequently and early on in the relationship.
Ground Rule #4: Establish roles and responsibilities early-
lean on the stronger partner. For purposes of this discussion, stronger does not mean better or more dominant, it just means the person who is more equipped. If you are that spouse, be able to give without regret or retreat. In the event neither is capable, it is wise to enlist the help of a financial advisor, especially to manage the collective goals of the household.
Remember, the collective goals should also align with individual goals because a house divided against itself cannot stand.
Ground Rule #5: Have a game plan and revisit it often.
It is not enough to have good intentions, but it is best to create a plan together and work on it as a team (this includes prioritization of uses of money and paying off debt). Make the discussions fun and be realistic about the goals that are set. Establish milestones and designate celebrations for reaching goals.
Final thoughts: Our past and everything that was attached to it (and us) comes up when we get married—Our finances, financial practices and preferences, as well as our personalities including pride, rebellion, insecurity, lack of prioritization, being disorganized, family teachings, etc. are not exempt.
Know this: Management of finances can reflect who you are, where you are from, and what you value. Therefore, as a commitment to the marital covenant, value, protect and nurture this part of the marriage as an equally important component of establishing a partnership pleasing unto God. And again remember, a house divided against itself cannot stand.

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Engaged Marriage Physical Intimacy

4 Requirements from God for a Thriving Marriage

The first marriage ever recorded in the history of humankind is found in Genesis 2 with our parents, Adam and Eve. Since that marriage, hundreds of thousands of other men and women have followed in their footsteps.  Those that have invented things that have changed the course of history will never be forgotten. From Konrad Zuse, inventor of the computer, Alexander Bell, inventor of the telephone, to Madame C.J. Walker (inventor of hair lotion) who all have made a stamp on this world through their contribution.  But, no invention will ever be able to trump God’s invention of marriage.  Be encouraged by these requirements from the Inventor of marriage!
 
1. Work as a Team
 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4.11-12
God brought you and spouse together in order to work your purpose together.  It is very easy to forget during hard moments when you and your spouse are disagreeing that you are on the same team.  On any team the hardest challenge is learning how to work in sync with your teammates.  Professional teams spend years learning one another in order to perfect their teamwork ability.  You may differ greatly from your spouse, but its in the differences that you can learn to value what your spouse has.
 
2. Enjoy Your Spouse.
 
Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose – don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Proverbs 5:18-19 (MSG)
 God gives you full permission to enjoy your spouse to fullest.  In between the long hours at work, taking care of kids, and keeping everyone else happy around you; enjoying your spouse can easily be pushed to the bottom of the list.  Make it a priority to enjoy your spouse in some way each day whether that be through a great night of passionate sex, intimate pillow talk, or cuddling on the couch for a late night movie once the kids are in bed. They are a gift to you, and you deserve to enjoy them.
 
3. Husbands never stop loving. Wives never stop respecting.
 Wives submit to your husbands, as fitting to the Lord. Husbands love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:18-19 (NKJV)
 There is a great book written by Emmerson Eggerichs entitled, “Love and Respect”.  In this book he does an excellent job at breaking down this biblical principle.  Husbands desire respect more than anything from their wives, and wives desire love more than anything is respect.  When a husband feels respected by his wife then loving her is even easier, and when a wife feels loved by her husband, respecting him is even easier. Husbands you can love her over and above by paying attention to the details of her life and putting extra effort into meeting her needs. Wives you can show him more respect by trusting his leadership, listening well to the things that are heavy on his heart, and praying forth those things to God.
 
4. Be A Peacemaker.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3 (NKJV)
I released a quote on my Facebook page about how you have to “work” everyday at making your marriage better. Well, that sparked a little debate between some of my readers.  One person disagreed, stating, “your marriage shouldn’t be a chore that you have to work at it.”  I disagreed with him and used this verse to back up my reasoning.  It is clear here that God says we must make every effort to keep unity even when being angry or unforgiving is easier. Being a peacemaker in your home shouldn’t be left up to one spouse, but both should make every effort to keep the peace.  Yes, you will disagree and argue, but the purpose is to patiently come to a resolve with even more love for each other.

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Home

6 "Real" Questions for the Unmarried On Your Social Life

If I get one more invite to a “single’s skating party” or a “single’s potluck” I am going to scream. Do not get me wrong, I am an advocate of social environments that includes both physical activity and enjoying the delectable treats that are shared amongst semi-known acquaintances. I even consider it a sport of amusement in trying to figure out what is actually in that dish that the “new girl” made and keeps offering for everyone to try (I once tried to make an apple crisp but it just didn’t crisp up like my mom’s lol). These environments are intended to minimize the internal loneliness that the attendees are dealing with and are placed amongst a group of individuals that they do not know and forced in to an even more isolated feeling because they are not really sure if it is a safe zone.
Networking is an art; that’s why there are books, classes, seminars, workshops, webinars etc. etc. on how to engage in social environments.
1. Is that what singles are looking for when going out; to develop skills on being involved in socially awkward atmospheres?
2. Are you going to events with the hope that it will be the beginning of a fairy tale love story?
3. What are we really saying when we only offer to the unmarried cake and punch and corral them in to a roller rink?
Now if you are in the midst of planning or attending your church’s 27th annual “Saved Singles Skating Bash”, this is not to say that it shouldn’t continue. It is more of an inquiry to ask about the purpose and expectation of the results. 
4. What are the results from the single events you have attended?
5. Have you seen the unmarried remain faithful to the principles of the Bible?
6. Are you producing the Fruits of the Spirit or are you involved with reoccurring lifestyle choices that do not exhibit an encounter with the living God?
Any time that we gather together in Jesus’ name, people should be able to feel comfortable, discuss challenges, have the ability to be transparent and have discussions about solutions to live a life pleasing to our Heavenly Father. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty and joy! Proverbs 11:14 “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety (NKJV).”
I want to challenge you to seek after more of God. There is so much to discover about His plans for our lives, which far surpass temporal satisfaction. God is the creator of all things, and delights in us seeking after Him. Being unmarried is not boring and you do not have to feel awkward about your marital status.
Pray and ask God to guide you in to environments with individuals that are likeminded in desiring to fulfill the work of the Lord. If your local assembly does not have a group for the unmarried, ask your pastor and start something small at your house. You can have a potluck and Bible study…plus I’ve got a great recipe for apple crisp.
I would love to hear some feedback from you.  Comment below with your answers to these questions.
INS

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

4 Benefits To Waiting Until Marriage To Have Sex

 

A popular pastor that I follow quotes that sex can be considered 3 things, “gross, god, or a gift.” I believe this to be very true in our day due to how sex is overrated outside of marriage and underrated within marriage.  It is gross to those that have been taught their entire life that sex is bad and will cause people to look at you differently.  For some it can be made a god if its not taught on biblically from God’s original intent.  But, it is God’s purpose for sex to be seen as a gift.  Sex is a gift to be shared with your spouse within the confines of marriage.   My wife and I by the grace of God were both virgins at the moment of saying, “I Do”, to one another on our wedding day.

Here are 4 benefits of waiting until marriage to have sex.

1. Keeps God at the center of your relationship
Honoring God in our relationship was my wife and I’s supreme goal and saying no to sex made that goal easily accomplishable. God is the inventor of marriage, which means you need Him in your marriage in order to have a healthy one.  The stages before you say “I Do’ are the most crucial for laying a solid foundation for your marriage.  Establishing a no sex boundary will keep you focused on the important aspects of a courting relationship.  Yes, the desire to have sex will come, but with God you will be able to have the strength to resist temptation.  Trusting God in your relationship will help you to make a confident decision when you feel that person may be the one you desire to marry.
 2. Learn how to talk it out before you walk it out
Communication has always been and will always be one of the key components of a healthy relationship.  My wife and I had a long distance relationship so majority of our time spent before marriage was over Skype or on the phone.  It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it was so worth it.  We really learned each other on so many levels, and when we did see one another the boundaries we had set in place kept us focused on enjoying one another communicatively versus physically.  Early sexual satisfaction in a relationship delays you from discovering key areas of the relationship such as ability to commit, compatibility, and agreement on future goals.
 3. Protects you from being attached before you say “I Do”.
There are only a few things that can attach you to someone for the rest of your life and two of those is a child together and sex. Children are a blessing from the Lord, but can also be a challenge to raise in hard circumstances.  Protect yourself from this by agreeing to wait until marriage to have sex. Another attachment that can form through sexual activity is a soul tie.  Sex was created by God to tie that couple together forever, but when done outside of marriage the same effect happens.  But, now it’s an illegitimate tie versus a covenantal tie.  Sex outside of marriage may feel good in that moment, but thats all you will be left with after that night is over.  If the relationship doesn’t work out, then breaking it off will be much easier if there hasn’t been a spiritual soul tie through sex.
 4. Incomparable sex within marriage.
You can guarantee that if you abstain from having sex during your courting stage that the value you place upon one another will last your entire life.  This value adds volumes to your sex life in marriage. Study shows that those that wait to have sex are happier in the long run. I do not look at my wife like a piece of meat, but a treasure worth being handled with tender care.  I proved that to her by denying my flesh, and leading the stand for our purity.  Our wedding night was the most beautiful encounter as we exchanged our gifts to another.  Our marriage was established on a sure foundation with God in the center of it all. Married people have the best sex!
 
Even if you have already had sex in a previous relationship that doesn’t disqualify you from making the decision to abstain until you are married.  If you are in a sexually active relationship now, but desire to change things then pray for God to give you wisdom as you approach your girl/boyfriend. I guarantee you it will be worth it in the end.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Parenting Physical Intimacy

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