So, recently I have seen several pictures circulating around social media with women proposing to their men. While it may look very cute, I think it really sets a bad precedent for the future of those marriages considering that if the intent is to have a godly marriage, there there is a godly model that should be followed. If you just want marriage for the sake of marriage—no problem.
However, if you are a Christian, then modeling the plan which God ordained for marriage will be for your benefit.
With that said, here are 6 biblical reasons why a woman should NOT propose to a man!
1. Marriage is God’s idea
Many people who do not even walk with God continue to follow the tradition of getting married in churches. Why was this a tradition? Because traditionally marriage was viewed as an institution that God created and many believe that the covenant being made should be before God and witnesses. It is clear that society has now made it a simple formality. We all are aware that marriage in scripture looked nothing like it does today.
However in scripture, EVERY single time people got married, a man was sent to a woman’s family, asked for her, took her to his family, and there he cared for her and they worked together to be fruitful and multiply and advance the kingdom of God.
Genesis 1:28 says, “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” For Christians, our instructions on marriage come from scripture because God is the founder of marriage. I believe if God makes something, it is best to follow his instructions on how it operates. Not our own.
2. Marriage models the kingdom of God.
Throughout scripture you see Jesus referring to the church as his bride.
Revelation 19:7-9 says, “Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. And the angel said to me, ’Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.’ And he said to me, ‘These are the true words of God.’”
Jesus is coming for his bride that we are preparing for him. In the same way, a woman prepares herself for her husband, and then he comes and he takes her as his wife. If it was the other way around, the bride would come for Jesus. The constant symbolic model of Jesus and his bride is a consistent reminder of the order found in scripture of a husband loving his wife as Christ loves the church, and the wife honoring the husband.
As Christians, what we are living for is that final marriage as described in Revelations. Jesus will take his bride, and that is the model that has been set up for us to follow as well.
3. The Biblical roles of marriage becomes confused.
Most of the time when men make the decision to propose to someone, it is not something that is a fluke. Most men, or I should say Godly men, put in a lot of prayer, thought, and planning. Usually they carefully make the decision, because they know the responsibility that comes with taking a wife.
Some of what a husband is called to do is provide, protect, nurture, lead, instruct, and give vision to the family. When a woman proposes to a man, she is taking on the role of the man to lead, provide, and even to protect. Often times this emasculates the man, causing the roles to be switched, even in the marriage.
Ephesians 5:21-24- Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
As mentioned above, there is a biblical model on the order of a marriage. Men submit to God; women submit to their husbands; Christ submits to God. The submission that the Bible speaks about refers to the woman following the leading of her husband; this does not mean she does not have a voice. As a matter of fact, a Godly husband empowers his wife to be who God called her too.
The wife should marry a man who she trusts to make good decisions, which in turn allows her to follow his leading. When there is a disagreement about the future of the house and what is to happen with the family, biblically it is the man who is to make the final decision, as he has been given influence and responsibility for the wellness of the house.
When a woman enters into a relationship making the most important decision, which in this case is to take “the man” as her wedded husband, the relational roles are distorted from the very beginning.
For those that do not believe in certain gender roles in marriage, this may seem okay, but from my experience as a counselor, sooner or later this will cause a problem. Once again, there is an instruction manual that God has provided, and marriage works best when we follow the instructions that come with it.
4. Men lose their innate ability to pursue and win the affection of their spouse.
Men are naturally born to pursue and conquer. I am not saying women are to be conquered, but that their hearts are to be won. If you speak to most men, even if they are shy, they love the joy of winning over the affection of their bride.
Proverbs 18:22 says “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
To find is to look for something and then acquire it. The process of looking is not the same as finding. Most of the times when you find something, it becomes yours. The job of a man is not just to look, but to capture his wives heart and make it his. In marriage he will continue to pursue her love and her affection.
That’s why scripture says “Husbands love your wives with an everlasting love, just as Christ loves the church.” The love and pursuit Christ has for the church is ongoing. The pursuit to win many to him is ongoing as well, and so should the pursuit of the husband for the wife.
Men receive joy from the pursuit; the proposal is the sealing of the deal of the first part of that pursuit. It is the decision to fully commit to the one they have been longing for and to make a full commitment to care for her and love her in front of others. Men have innate instincts that motivate them to pursue a woman, make her his bride, and love her just as Christ loves the church.
When we do things the other way around, we take their ability to pursue, lead, and even create and advance away from them. When we pursue a man for marriage, we are setting ourselves up to pursue him the rest of the marriage.
5. It further weakens their ability to make decisions as a leader.
Even though most men know within the first few weeks of dating if someone is wifey material (Yes, I said that), some need a little time preparing financially or emotionally. If God has revealed to both the man and woman they are to be married, it is important to gain a clear understanding of what courtship looks like in the kingdom so that both people have a clear timeline of events.
Marriage is a decision for both people to make. However, once both parties decide, it is then the job of the man to help seal the deal by taking his bride. It’s the job of the woman to help the man make good decisions and lead well.
Here is a piece from a writer named Scott croft:
“Among the different roles assigned to men and women in the Bible, men are assigned the role of leadership. This is true in the church and in the family. This is not a signal of male superiority or of the greater importance of men. It is simply God’s design and assignment of equally valuable roles among spiritually equal beings. Men initiate, women respond. Briefly, biblical support for this position is found, among other passages, in the creation order in Genesis 2, in 1 Corinthians 11: 7-9, and Ephesians 5. True, these passages refer to marriage, but it is wise and right to set patterns that will serve you well in marriage, especially if one accepts the premise that the purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner.”
6. Every woman deserves to be pursued.
There is honor and dignity that is given to a woman when she is pursued and won over. You are worthy of the pursuit. When you read Song of Solomon, you see how he pursues the bride over and over. This book can be taken as a literal love story, or as an allegorical one of Christ’s love for the church—his bride.
Either way, he pursues the bride. In the same manner Jesus pursues us daily with his love, calling us deeper into relationship with him, we should want our marriages to model that. Allow yourself to be pursued to the end; and allow the man God has for you to win your affection and claim you as his. Women do play a role in this, they have the most important job of saying “yes.”
Marriage is not just up to the man, women position themselves and partner with their spouse to begin to build a legacy. Women position yourselves to do your part and allow men to do their part. He should be the one to put the ring on your finger
This is why we believe preparing for marriage God’s way is VITALLY important to drawing the right person that will lead you well in marriage.
