Tag: love

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Engaged Marriage Spiritual Intimacy

5 Simple Ways to Lead your Wife

Happy to be together. Handsome young man piggybacking beautiful woman and smiling while standing against grey background

One of the hardest things for a husband to do is to lead. Quite frankly, whether we want to admit it or not, we often times have no clue how to do so. We are filled with outdated and impractical scenarios of how it should be done or, we go along swinging in the dark trying to find a method on how to do so. It is tough sometimes BUT it is a mandate that we’ve been given for the health of our marriage and families. God would not have required us to do it if it could not be done. Below are 5 simple ways to lead your wife. These tasks, if implemented, can be transformative for your marriage or future marriage.

  1. Ask YOUR wife how she needs and wants to be lead. Many times we have our own preconceived notions about what our wives need in terms of leadership. We must not make the foolhardy mistake of thinking that our individual wives are like someone else’s wife. Your wife needs a specific, tailor made type and style of leadership. If she does not know because she’s never been asked, it creates a great conversation and solidifies a strong brick in the foundation of your marriage.
  2. Lead by inclusion. Make sure that she’s a part of the decision making process for the direction of the family. Our wives voice(s) are equally as important. The decisions that we make affect the whole family. As a wife and mother, her words are valuable and her desires for the family need to be heard, considered, and acted upon. It is a great way to hear her heart and will help her to trust you when making decisions because she will know that you are aware of, and will take into account her point of view
  3. Pray with your wife. Showing Godly accountability through prayer and seeking God’s face helps to ensure that we are connected to the heart of God and getting our direction and guidance from him. Prayer is also another time that we can hear the concerns, needs, and thoughts of our wives. While praying WITH her, listen to what she is saying and take note of those things so that you can go to God in her stead during your private prayer time.
  4. Remain connected to Godly accountability. Scripture tells us our plans will succeed with many advisors (Provers 15:22). When we are connected to a system of accountability, it is not always comfortable; if it is comfortable, that system has failed us. This helps to ensure that we are making wise, Godly decisions with a sounding board that helps guide us as we lead the family. It is imperative that we remain connected to GODLY accountability and not your friend that starts every sentence with “let me tell you what I did…”
  5. Speak life into your wife. Encourage her. Salute her. Esteem her. Regard her. Celebrate her. She is the crown jewel of our treasure here on earth. Speaking life is more than just compliments. It is taking the time to see our wives’ efforts, greatness, spirit, and value AND create a context that harnesses all of those and breathes a breath of fresh air into them. Speaking life into our wives can help shape their existence (as them speaking into us can do the exact same).

These five simple tasks will have an effect on our wives and allow us to lead as God has called us to. They require transparent communication, attention to detail, thoughtfulness, and respect. We cannot expect our wives to be fully submitted and give those elements to us unless we are fully submitted to Christ by loving and regarding them as Christ does the church. Guys, it’s WAAAAY more than being a bread winner!!!

Categories
Marriage

The Three P's to a Great Date Night

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

Life happens, as we all know. With the endless demands of work, home, family and other day to day activities, we are bound to get busy. However, with the busy schedule, it is important that you never become so busy that you forget to date your mate. Dating is an important element to the continued evolution of a relationship! It allows for each person in the relationship to check-in with their partner romantically. So how do you maintain dating your mate with a full schedule? There are three P’s to dating your mate that should make dating your mate a part of your regular routine.
1) Plan It!  Schedule it! Make a decision to date your mate regularly! Whether it is weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, make the date and as best as you can keep it. Remember, date night is in fact quality time so do not minimize it by not outing in the effort to make it enjoyable. Pick an activity and agree on what it will be. Whether it is a night in the house or a night out on the town, the date should be planned and agreed upon!
2) Prepare for it! Do Whatever it is you need to do to get your head in the game. If that means spending extra time earlier in that week on projects to make sure you at undisturbed during that night, do it! This could also mean assigning other days of the week to take care of household chores. Additionally, carving out a window of time of preparation to just focus on you could also be beneficial. This includes a moment to relax and unwind before the date OR, getting pampered with hair, nails, and other grooming to make date night extra special.
3) Participate in it! Enjoy it! Keep it light! Date night is a fun night! It’s not the night to fight hash out a disagreement or not speak to each other. This is literally a time to cuddle, snuggle, and laugh! Remember, this is your spouse and you have chosen to spend eternity with them, so do not slack on the value of dating after marriage as a maintenance technique to keep the fire on the relationship alive.
Remember: Making the decision to be in this relationship for life requires more than an “I DO” to maintain it, but the fun does not have to end once the marriage begins so: Plan It! Prepare for it! Participate in it! Although dating alone is not the only thing that helps to build the relationship, it is a helpful tool that can build the longevity of the relationship and allow intimacy to grow between the both of you!

Categories
Marriage Physical Intimacy

3 Places On My Wife I Commit to Kiss Everyday and Why

lovers walking in a field at sunset holding hands

The first kiss recorded in the Bible is found in Genesis 27:26-27. When Jacob kissed his son Isaac. This kiss was a sign of respect, honor, and a passing of blessing.
A kiss at its core is a sign of love and respect between two people.
It has now in our culture also become a way to connect non verbally with a person you are romantically involved with, a method of foreplay to prepare one another for sexual intimacy, and a sign of respect to a close one.
In marriage kissing is very vital part of your daily interaction. In my marriage it is already a custom when one person leaves the home we kiss each other, before we lay our heads to sleep we kiss each other, and at a time of celebration we kiss each other.
Each day I have committed to myself and my wife to kiss her in three places that hold a powerful symbol to reiterate 3 core values we vowed to when we got married.

  1. Her Forehead

In the morning before I leave for work, I kiss my wife on her forehead. The reason I kiss her on her forehead is to recommit my vow to honor and protect her thoughts, passions, fears, and her authority as my wife.
The forehead kiss is a sign of honor and respect that communicates you can trust me no matter what. When you kiss a woman at the top of her head you let her know that she can leave her entire life in your care. You let her know that she is safe with you.
2. Her cheek.
A kiss on the cheek is a kiss of friendship. Before you kiss a woman on her lips it is appropriate to kiss a woman on her cheeks during your dating season.
Each day I kiss my wife on her cheek as a commitment to be her best friend through it all. At the foundation of every great marriage is a solid friendship.
Two people who have strive to understand one another through communicating daily, putting the other before themselves through serving, conflict resolution, and respecting each other.
The kiss on the cheek will forever be the kiss that melts a woman’s heart.

  1. Her Lips

Kissing on the lips dates back to Biblical days which we can see in Song of Solomon 1:2, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.
In the Middle Ages in Europe kissing the on the lips was a sign of equal rank. Which is powerful in marriage because it communicates we are in this together.
At its core in marriage a kiss on the lips is a sign of romantic love.
I commit to kiss my wife daily on her lips to communicate the vow to romantically love her til death do us part, for better or for worse. The kiss on the lips is a commitment to forever be the romancer of her heart.   A kiss on the lips communicates that only you have my affection, desires, and heart.
The commitment to kiss your spouse everyday can build a bridge of trust and communicate your love in another way than just saying it.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

How to Find and Date the Perfect Gentleman

Let’s face it, we all want to date the perfect gentleman! Most women would love a man who answers her calls, lifts her up when she’s down, recognizes her worth, pushes her towards her dreams and goals, and opens doors for her.
Often times, we as women settle for less then God’s best; some out of loneliness, some out of desperation and others out of a lack of understanding as to how they deserve to be treated! Me, I was the girl who simply didn’t understand just how much I was worth. But that’s the thing about dating a gentleman; he’ll never allow you to forget just how special you are.
I remember deciding I was tired of being mistreated by guys who spoke down on me, called me out of my name, and was just down right disrespectful. I remember sitting on my dorm room floor crying out to God regarding my feelings of hurt. It’s almost as if he said, “Well, date me”.
Now I’ve always thought people who “dated” Jesus were just weird and lonely (lbs). But it was after failed relationships with man, that I decided to make room for the ULTIMATE gentleman. So where did I find this gentleman? I found him in my quiet time, hidden in my word (the Bible)!
The more time I spent with Jesus, the more time he spent with me, the more I became acquainted with his voice, the more he shared his thoughts regarding me, the more he affirmed who I was created to be and the more doors he opened for me, among other things.
Though I once thought it was weird to “date” Jesus, it was in dating him that I realized what I really wanted and what I deserved in a man. I realized that a “thug” didn’t have the capacity to love the woman of God, God created me to be. I learned that a man who doesn’t have God’s own heart could never treat me as Jesus did! It was in dating Jesus that I realized EXACTLY what I deserved and wanted!
So you want to date a perfect gentleman, huh? Start with dating THEE perfect gentleman. When you get to know him, it’ll be easier to recognize his heartbeat in the heartbeat of others. It’ll be easier to turn away from those who don’t display his characteristics. Finally, it’ll be easier to be found by the one who will love you and treat you as Jesus did!
Much to my surprise, dating Jesus isn’t for the lonely and weird, it’s for the wise!
Be encouraged!
Shannon C Colar

Categories
Parenting

3 Ways to help your child Flourish

Being a new mother, everyday I am inquiring of the Lord on how I can be the best example to my budding little girl. Through much prayer as well as trial and error. I am still learning, but I believe God revealed to me three key components that will help guide you in leading your little one into destiny!
Your Relationship With The Lord Matters– Your development & Relationship with the Lord is detrimental to the trajectory of your parenting.  Remember that your child is a gift from the Lord (psalms 127:3) We are to stuart them and lead them in the truth of the Lord. How can we lead them into the things of God if you do not know Him for yourself? If you are struggling with how to pray or direct your children into light and wisdom you need to look introspectively and ask yourself if there are any areas of your life in which you have unconsciously or consciously neglected your covenant relationship with the Lord. As you seek Him with all of your heart, He will begin to highlight areas of your life or relationship with Him that may be stagnant, void or dry.
Confront your Fears– Before I had my daughter the Lord began to minister to my heart about my personal fears and began to soften my heart to dealing with those fears. He began to show me how generational curses begin, they start with undealt and unresolved issues that ones family refuses to confront and get freedom in. As God began to reveal to me how even my slightest fears can be passed down to my children if not dealt with intentionality I began to allow God access into the crevices and idiosyncrasies  of my heart he began to shed light and courage and tenacity began to arise within my heart to fight courageously to overcome them not just for me but for my children and their children’s children.“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places” -Ephesians 6:12
 
Never Stop Praying– Don’t take for granted the access and ability you have as a daughter or son of God to pray heaven down over your children and family. Committing to fighting the good fight of faith on behalf of your seed rends results not just spiritually but naturally. When you commit to living a life a prayer, God will begin to give you wisdom and insight into your children’s future, he will begin to entrust you with his heart for your children and in turn it will  become your heartbeat for your child. God knows your son our daughter better than anyone, why not seek him to help develop and mold your little warriors into confident and secure kings and queens. “Never stop praying”– 1 Thessalonians 5:17 
 
I pray that these three points encouraged and inspired you to be the parent that God has called you to be. I pray that you will now look at your children throughout the clear and undefaulted lenses of God and that your passionate love for your children will begin to develop and overflow as time passes. Remember we are all a work in progress, yet with God he gives us his mercy and grace without recompense, so continue to exude that same mercy and grace to your budding warriors! 

Categories
Home Parenting

When Life Hits Rock Bottom: How We Handled Our Miscarriage

Categories
Single

10 Qualities of a Man Ready for Marriage

I started thinking about my unmarried or newly married friends and their dating/courting relationships. After you have committed to someone and have dated exclusively for some time, how do you know when you are ready to take the leap of faith and get married?
Marriage is wonderful but it can come with it’s challenges so you need to be prepared emotionally, spiritually, and financially to be happy beyond the wedding day.
This post is focused on the man especially since he is the head of the relationship. I have listed 20 qualities that I believe are attributes of a man ready for marriage. I decided to break this up into two separate articles to keep this one from being a book chapter instead of a blog post. Stay tuned for Part 2 and “Qualities of a Woman ready for a Godly Marriage”.
1. Seeks God with his whole heart-
Psalm 119: 9-11
9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.
10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.
11 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
The scripture says in order to keep yourself pure, hide His word in your heart. Seeking Him with your whole heart will keep you focused on pleasing God in all that you do.
2. Attends, gives and serves at a church
As a saved young woman, I have heard this line many times, “You are a Christian (or saved), oh that’s cool, I go to church, I am a member of…” I am happy that you “go to church”, but I believe you are a true member when you have invested your time, resources and talents to this church. The church cannot run itself without it’s members.
Your local church will be blessed by your help. What areas of the church are you serving in? How can you be a blessing to your pastor and members? I have found that serving in the church keeps you grounded, accountable and you learn so much about yourself and the life of Jesus by serving His people.
3. Has godly friends- Having godly friends will also help with accountability. Having friends who are walking with Jesus that will give you godly advice and will understand your struggles, praises, and will encourage your spiritual growth. The scripture says in Proverbs 27:17 that “Iron sharpens Iron”.
4. Has a good relationship with his family- I know all families are not perfect, but is there communication and respect with and towards the family.
This is important because if there are majors signs of dysfunction in the family, this unfortunately can filter over into your marriage. You will need to have open communication about the future in-laws.
5. Prays with and encourages you to pursue God more while he is pursuing you- The man is the head of the household. He will need to treat the bride as Jesus does the church. The Lord of Lord’s desires a church without spot or blemish.
Jesus loves us with an everlasting love. A godly man will want his wife to be all that God has called her to be. A godly man will want his woman to put God first before him.
6. Has a job or career- The husband will be the provider of the family and head of the household. He will need a job or is working (in school) to obtain a career.
7. Encourages you to  pursue your passion and goals- He will not be intimidated or will not limit his woman’s God given gifts.
8. Abstains from sexual immorality and fornication-
1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
The above scriptures describes those that fall to lust as those who do not know God. God does not want you to corrupt your body with this sin. Having sex outside of marriage will bring on a slew of problems into a pure relationship.
It is created for husband and wife only to enjoy. If you are not abstaining from this, you are sinning against God and your body.
This will keep the enemy from corrupting your union before it has even started. If this has already happened in your relationship, please seek Godly counsel on how to proceed with your relationship.
This goes back to being involved in a church, having Godly friends, and being guided by your pastor. Your support system will help you as a couple get back on track.
9. Communicates with you about his past, his struggles, and future- You do not want to have any surprises before you say “I do”.
10. Enjoys spending time with you- My grandfather who had been married for almost 60 years before he passed, gave me and Joel this one piece of marriage advice, “Have fun with each other.”
You want to enjoy your time together even if you are doing something that you don’t want to do. It shows that you want to invest in getting to know your mate and showing them how much you love and appreciate them.
 

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Reconcile Your Past Relationships to Gain Access to Your Future

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As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
 
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
 
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
 
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
 
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19).  Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
 
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and  to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
 

Categories
Marriage

Why An Image Statement Is More Powerful Than A Mission Statement In Marriage

In 1911, Arthur Brisbane was quoted in a newspaper saying, “Use a picture. It’s worth a thousand words.” The more popular saying has become, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”
 
You may have heard that it is a good idea to have a mission statement for your marriage.  I agree– it is a good idea to discuss the focus of your marriage.  Unfortunately, although well-intentioned, these mission statements get filed away in a drawer for no one to see or be inspired by.
 
This is why I believe, as Brisbane suggested, that a picture, or an image, would speak greater volumes than a string of words. I believe that creating an image statement is far more powerful and far more inspirational to a marriage than a written mission statement.
 
Let me ask you a few questions:
What is the mission statement of Disney?
What is the mission statement of Nike?
What is the mission statement of Apple?
 
Unless you Google the mission statement above, I doubt you know them. But, it’s not difficult to imagine a picture–one image–to associate with each of the companies listed above.
Disney—I would suggest that Image Statement is the Cinderella Castle with fireworks exploding above it, or maybe a child’s excitement as she walks towards a princess at the Magic Kingdom.
Nike—I see the image of an athlete dominating in their chosen sport.
Apple—I imagine a picture of an iphone/ipad connecting people to other people in the picture.
 
 
Whether you have been married 3 months or 30 years, I want to encourage you to sit down with your spouse and think of an image to describe your marriage or an image that represents how you want your marriage to be.
 
Here are 3 ways an image statement will bring clarity to your marriage.

  1. The image statement discussion will be fun and bonding.

Talking through your marriage dreams and goals, in terms of pictures, can be refreshing and fun!  Ask yourselves these kinds of questions:  If you had to encapsulate your marriage in one picture, what would you want it to be?  Would it be you and her walking in the woods holding hands?  Would it be sitting across the table drinking coffee?  Would it be you and your spouse on your knees praying for your children and other important needs?  Discuss why it is that these certain images come to mind.
 

  1. The image statement will reveal your priorities.

The image you select will help to express what both of you clearly value and desire.  This is important.  The image is designed to reflect how you want your marriage to be.  If you can see the goal–you can run towards it!
 

  1. The image will help you throw off things that are hindering your marriage.

If your image is a picture of the two of you dancing and gazing into each other’s eyes, but you haven’t gone on a date in a while, then you need to rearrange some things in your life.  If your image is of you serving dinner to your bride, or serving her in another way (i.e. breakfast in bed), then you need to put that into place.
 
Action Plan

  1. Plan a 1-2 hour slot to talk through your image statement.
  2. During that time, ask these questions:
    • What are the times in our marriage where you very connected with me?
    • What activities make us laugh, talk, and bring out the best in each other?
    • If you had to pick or design one image that exudes the kind marriage you want to have, what would that image be?
    • Do we already have a picture that reflects this? Do we need to have one designed?  Should we have some text put on it?
    • Should we hang this image in our house? Where in the house? Should we have more than one in our house?
    • When is the deadline for our image statement to be put on the wall?
    • What are we going to do to make sure we keep pushing ourselves to live that image statement?

 
 
Creating an Image Statement for your marriage will give you a clear vision of what you want your marriage to look like and will also provide a real goal to work towards. Consider printing or drawing it and hanging it in your house or making it the background on your phone.  Let this image statement become the picture that others paint when describing your marriage!
 
 Final Question:  Do you already have an image statement for your marriage?  What’s the first image that comes to mind to show the kind of marriage you want to have?
 
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Categories
Engaged Marriage

The One Thing Your Spouse May Never Ask For, But Really Needs From You

Two weeks ago I again had the privilege of watching my husband read one of his books to a group of preschoolers. In the days leading up to the event, I honestly believe I was more excited than he was. I reminisced about the first time we met in Central Park and how timid he seemed when he presented his first book to me. Now, seven books later, and he is proudly showing the world his talent.
Watching his growth and seeing his abilities blossom is a true inspiration to me. Even when he doesn’t have confidence in himself, I have confidence in him, and he always has confidence in me.
It is your duty as a spouse to be able to love and support your significant other regardless of what happens. The fact is, when the two of you come together for one purpose, you are less likely to fail.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.”
Even if you don’t think you have anything to lend to your spouse’s gift or ministry, having a cheerleader, a counselor, and a friend is important and vital to the success of your spouse. Unfortunately, if they can’t find that in you, they may be tempted to find it in someone else. I am not saying they will cheat (emotionally or physically), but they can begin to confide and put their trust in someone else with their gift for the sake of affirmation and support.
Your spouse’s gift was given to them by God, which means that it is a part of who they are. In other words, when you married him/her, you agreed to love and cherish that gift.  Colossians 2:2 says, “I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love.” In this scripture, Paul was speaking to the church of Colosse in regards to the church of Laodicea and other believers. If it is important for the body of Christ to be knit together, how much more important is it that you are knit together in your marriage?
You need to be melded together in all aspects of your life including your hopes and dreams. Your hopes and dreams, as well as your spouse’s, speaks to the inheritance that you will leave for future generations. Don’t be responsible for the shortage of an inheritance because of your lack of encouragement.
Be the reason your spouse pushes on through all of the hurts and falls. Remember that each of us has a purpose and because you and your spouse are connected by the rib, your spouse’s purpose is also a part of your purpose. Don’t allow your negativity and lack of enthusiasm to stop you or your spouse from fulfilling their purpose.