Tag: husband

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Reconcile Your Past Relationships to Gain Access to Your Future

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As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
 
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
 
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
 
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
 
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19).  Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
 
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and  to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
 

Categories
Marriage

How to Be There When Your Spouse is Grieving

On March 22nd 2015, I received a phone call from my Uncle Earl. He called to see how I was settling in to my new home in Georgia. I expressed to him how nice it was to get away from the hustle and bustle of NYC. I talked to him about his knee surgery and he told me he was doing well. Midnight of March 23rd, I received a call from my dad.
He informed me that my uncle had passed away. My heart fell to pieces. I cried into my husband’s shoulders as it all sank in. I mourned not only for my uncle, but for my cousins’ loss and my father’s loss.
 
The next few days were difficult. I was lost in a daze wondering how life and how God could be so cruel. Though my cousins are adults, I felt like they were orphaned and it wasn’t fair. I withdrew myself from my family; not for long, but I withdrew nevertheless. I tried to smile for my daughter, but the pain and confusion I felt could not be masked.
 
My husband tried his best to hold up his grieving wife, but I was so sensitive that the slightest joke made me fall apart. Instead of trying to cheer me up, he began to grieve with me.
 
I knew right away that I would be attending the funeral, even though it would have put a financial strain on us. My husband refused to let me attend alone. Though I tried to tell him that we didn’t have the money and that I would be okay, he said “I have to be there for you.”
 
In our five year relationship, we’ve experienced significant losses on his side, and I always tried to be there for him as much as possible. In fact, when he lost his grandfather, we were in the middle of a fight. I was pregnant and in the hospital with high blood pressure and contractions at 7 months and was two hours away from home. I begged him to stay with his family and not travel to see me because I was so angry with him, but in all of my anger, I tried my best to be there for him. I helped him and his cousin work on the programs and I checked on him often to make sure that he was okay.
 
Three years later, he was going to do everything in his power to be there for me. Thankfully, myself, my husband, and little girl received assistance with our tickets and were able to travel as a family. I am so glad that we did. My husband held me through it all, bonded with my family, and made it his mission to be present. That’s all I really needed.
 
Sometimes it’s difficult to understand your duty as a spouse when your husband or wife loses a loved one. How are you supposed react, especially when it isn’t someone you didn’t really know well? Just be present. Try your best to be all the support that he or she needs. Don’t argue about the little things because they don’t matter—frankly they never really matter, because as you now see, life is too short.
Your spouse may react in bizarre ways, like cry when he/she is supposed to laugh but it’s all a part of the grieving process. So, grieve with him/her. You don’t have to speak, just be there.
 
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) God has given us the ability and nature to be empathetic. Apply the innate empathy to your unconditional love for your spouse and you will be the best (earthly) remedy for your spouse’s broken heart.

Categories
Engaged Marriage

The One Thing Your Spouse May Never Ask For, But Really Needs From You

Two weeks ago I again had the privilege of watching my husband read one of his books to a group of preschoolers. In the days leading up to the event, I honestly believe I was more excited than he was. I reminisced about the first time we met in Central Park and how timid he seemed when he presented his first book to me. Now, seven books later, and he is proudly showing the world his talent.
Watching his growth and seeing his abilities blossom is a true inspiration to me. Even when he doesn’t have confidence in himself, I have confidence in him, and he always has confidence in me.
It is your duty as a spouse to be able to love and support your significant other regardless of what happens. The fact is, when the two of you come together for one purpose, you are less likely to fail.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.”
Even if you don’t think you have anything to lend to your spouse’s gift or ministry, having a cheerleader, a counselor, and a friend is important and vital to the success of your spouse. Unfortunately, if they can’t find that in you, they may be tempted to find it in someone else. I am not saying they will cheat (emotionally or physically), but they can begin to confide and put their trust in someone else with their gift for the sake of affirmation and support.
Your spouse’s gift was given to them by God, which means that it is a part of who they are. In other words, when you married him/her, you agreed to love and cherish that gift.  Colossians 2:2 says, “I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love.” In this scripture, Paul was speaking to the church of Colosse in regards to the church of Laodicea and other believers. If it is important for the body of Christ to be knit together, how much more important is it that you are knit together in your marriage?
You need to be melded together in all aspects of your life including your hopes and dreams. Your hopes and dreams, as well as your spouse’s, speaks to the inheritance that you will leave for future generations. Don’t be responsible for the shortage of an inheritance because of your lack of encouragement.
Be the reason your spouse pushes on through all of the hurts and falls. Remember that each of us has a purpose and because you and your spouse are connected by the rib, your spouse’s purpose is also a part of your purpose. Don’t allow your negativity and lack of enthusiasm to stop you or your spouse from fulfilling their purpose.
 
 

Categories
Communication Home Marriage Physical Intimacy Spiritual Intimacy

Sex and the Christian Wife

Like most women who didn’t enter into their marriages in piety, I was not a virgin when I met my husband.
Honestly, even if I was, I probably would not have made it to the alter a virgin.
I fell deeply in love very quickly and let’s just say, I couldn’t keep my latest promise to God.
My man and I had fun. We spent weekends in bed, ordering food, and staying up long enough to satisfy each other. It was as amazing as it was damning. We both knew what we were doing was wrong, even though it was soooo good.
Now that we are married, sex has taken on a new form. It is more than just fun. It is transforming.
Everything I thought I’d never be able to do (due to lack of flexibility) God has somehow given me the strength to do.
As weird as it might sound, I think the youth pastor from my old church was right, “Sex is better after you pray!” The euphoric feeling of confirming that we are one sends me over the top every time. The way we touch goes far beyond what I’ve experienced in the past.
According to my current pastor, “Sex is meant for procreation.” Apparently, it is not meant to be enjoyable or done in any other position but missionary. He is right, God says that we must “multiply,” but he also made sex a significant part of marriage.
Sex is the joining of two souls. In the end, you walk away with a piece of that person. “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’” (1 Corinthians 6:16). This is why sex should only be between man and wife. It is spiritual, not just of the flesh.

I remember discussing sex with another woman from my church and I said that the first form of sex involved God, Adam and Eve. She considered me a weirdo from that point on, but she wasn’t able to see past the negative connotation of sex. What I meant, though, was that God’s definition of sex is two souls coming together to create something new. When God made Eve, he joined his soul with Adam to create her. He took Adam’s rib and from His breath formed a new being.
The beauty of that encounter is the same way we Christians need to see sex.
It is not something nasty or wrong, as long as you’re with the right person.
 It is the one thing that only married couples should do, so why should we act as if it is wrong? For appearances? As long as my bedroom/bathroom/whatever room I’m in’s door can lock, no one can see me. Yes, God can but the wonderful, amazing ecstasy of it was also created by Him, why wouldn’t He want us to like it?
I won’t lie, there are times when I’m going the extra mile that I feel guilty, but the word says that his body belongs to me and my body belongs to him.
It also says that I must be submissive to him, servicing him in the way he requires. I am a woman that is intent on following the word. So whatever he requires, wherever, and however he requires it, I will give it to him.
Because he is mine and I am his and it shall remain that way.

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Home

Step by Step Guide To Make This Her Greatest Valentine's Day Ever (Every Guy Should Read This ASAP)

Do you have to do anything special for your wife or girlfriend for Valentine’s Day to make her love you more?  Probably not, but why is the kind of Valentine’s Day that 95% of Americans do for their girl good enough for you?
I’m not writing to average men.
I’m writing to Godly men that are trying to be better than they were last year.
I know some people reject the commercialism of Valentine’s Day.  So don’t call it Valentine’s Day—and don’t settle for one day.  Think of it as your girl’s week. This is her week to be treated special.
Extra Special.
I’m going to give you some ideas that will potentially lead you deep into her heart.  I think it was Rose on Titanic that said that a women’s heart is a vast ocean.  Well, these thoughts are going to cause you to move deeper into the ocean of her heart.  You just might discover what you’ve never seen in her before.
This week begins on Monday and ends on Saturday.  Of course it would be great to continue this after that, but let’s focus on this week for now.
I know some guys will spend more time in a few weeks thinking through their NCAA tournament bracket than they do on romanticizing their wife.
Let’s not be those guys.
So, let’s get into the Valentine Week Ideas.
I have broken each day into 4 segments:
Text to send:  You will send her a text sometime during the day while you are away from each other.  Some days might have 2 texts to send.
Project:  This will take the most time, so decide to turn off the TV this week.  Instead, get to work on making this truly the best Valentine week ever.  Put your heart into it.
Blessing to share:  Your bride/girlfriend is the deep ocean that we discussed above.  She might be dealing with a lot of negativity, poisonous self-defeat, a difficult work life, etc. so this will be a time for you to pour fresh water into her soul.
Gentlemen Habit:  You may already do these habits.  If you don’t, then start forming these habits this week to honor her.
If you do even 30% of this, it will bless your lady in a special way.  Remember:  She is the flower in your life and you are the dirt.  We can nurture her life by pursuing her in a creative manner.
Monday
Text 1: I’ve made it my ambition this week to make this “insert your girl’s name” week.  Get ready for an incredible week.
Text 2: I’m so fortunate to have you as my best friend.
Project:  Order Monopoly now so you will get it by Wednesday. Yes, you may already own it, but you need a new one for this and it will be the best $12.99 you ever spend. Here is what you need to do:
Properties:  Rename all the properties.  Label them with all the different places you and your wife have lived or places you have you vacationed.  For example, I changed Boardwalk to Mackinac Island where my wife and I honeymooned.  Simply write the different places on paper and then cut them and tape them over top of the property spaces on the board.  When you play the game (later this week), each time one of you lands on the property, share a special memory from going to that place.
Chance Cards: You also need to rename some of the chance cards and instead name them Passion cards.  Write down your ideas on small pieces of paper and tape them to the side of the “passion” cards.  It could be questions you ask each other, attributes you like in the person, etc.
Community Chest: Rename these cards Love Chest.  These cards can mirror things on the cards already.  Just be creative with what you write so that the game continues to be eventful and fun.
This project will take around 2 hours to create if you hustle but will be a great experience to share with your sweetheart.  Don’t hesitate, order it right now.
Blessing to Share:  Do this before she goes to bed. The Lord bless you and keep you.  The Lord cause His face to shine upon and be gracious to you.
Gentlemen Habit:  Open the car door for her every time you are out with her.  When you leave the house, leave the restaurant, pick up the kids from practice, etc.  If a doormen at a hotel can do it for your wife, then we can for our wives too.
Tuesday
Text: I feel like every day with you is Thanksgiving because of how thankful I am for who you are.
Project:  Today’s project is couch time.  Sit on the couch together and catch up on what is going on with her.  You turn off your cell phone, turn off the TV, and gaze into her eyes.  This can also be done at a coffee shop, etc.  If you need some inspiration, these questions here could be of help (I will add a link here).
Blessing to Share: This is a good day to write her a poem.  Take 15 minutes out of your lunch time to write this out.  It doesn’t matter if you haven’t done this in years. This week isn’t about you anyway, so write from the heart and she will see that in your words.
Gentlemen Habit: Use manners frequently today.  Say thank-you, excuse me, & let her sit down at the table first—pull her chair out for her.  You don’t have to be at a fancy restaurant to go the extra mile.
Wednesday
Text:  I am so glad our kids have you as their role model for what a women should be.  I’m so blessed to have you in my life.
Project: If you have kids, tell her that you want her to go shopping, go to the coffee shop, etc. while you watch the kids.  Tell her to take 2 or 3 hours and enjoy herself.  If you don’t have kids, tell her to do the same thing, and you stay back and clean, clean, clean.
Blessing to Share: If you have kids, put a chair in the middle of the room and have all of the kids and you say at least 3 things why you are thankful for her.  If you have no kids, you can do the same thing.
Gentlemen Habit: Take her car to the gas station and fill it up for her.  Leave a note on her steering wheel that says, “I know you can fill up the tank yourself, but thank you for allowing me to do little things like this for you.”
Thursday
Text: I’m staring at your picture in my office and so thankful for your eyes of love looking back at me.
Project:  Tonight is the night to work on your “Romanticopoly” game.  Look at Monday’s explanation for details.
Blessing to Share: This would be a good night to declare your love on fb for your girl.  If you don’t have Facebook, go to your myspace.com and write a post about herJ
Gentlemen Habit: Be on time.  Start making it a habit to be on time so that you show you respect her time.
Friday
Text: Tomorrow is going to be a great day.  Great food, Great Experience, & a Great date with you.
Project:  You need to continue working on your “Romanticopoly.”  If you feel comfortable in the kitchen, you can also make her favorite entrée from her favorite restaurant in your kitchen.  Go to www.copykat.com for the recipe.
Blessing to Share: Send an email to her parents describing what a wonderful woman they raised and how you are focusing on loving her more than ever.
Gentlemen Habit: Make the bed today.  Put away your toothbrush, toothpaste, and clean up your hairs from shaving.  Put down the toilet seat more consistently.
Saturday
Text:  Today is just a normal day.  Another normal day of being with you.  I love normal!
Project:  Decide what time you are going to eat and what time you are going to play Romanticopoly.  I would suggest you plan on playing the game for at least an hour, maybe 2.  Yes, you can play the game to win, but the heart of this game is to reminisce about all of the memories you have as you land on the renamed properties and to enjoy the creative “passion” and “love chest” cards you created.
Blessing to Share: Prepare a top 10 list of the reasons you love her.  Share these during your meal.
Gentlemen Habit: Look in her eyes when she is talking and make sure you are competent in the skill of active listening.
As with all ideas, tweak, scrap, change, and modify for your situation.
What One Can Do, Another Man Can Do!
Who’s in for creating a great week for our beauties?

Categories
Parenting

When A Marriage Starts to Negatively Affect the Children

One of the points in my life that truly defined my childhood was watching my parents fight. I literally felt that I was not only in the middle of it but I was the reason for the fighting. I often felt like I had to choose sides and if I didn’t choose the right side then that would cause an even bigger issue. Another significant part of my childhood (and adulthood) was dealing with migraines along with a whole host of “medical mysteries.” My emotional issues manifested itself physically.
I have two parents who love me and my brother to no end. They would do anything for us including spending eighteen years in a painfully loveless marriage. My brother and I spent so much time wondering when they were just going to give up. What were they waiting around for? I learned later that they thought it would be best for us to have both parents in the home but it was probably one of the worst parenting decisions that they’ve made.
According to the word of God, divorce is not to be granted unless adultery is committed. What if they’re wrong for each other and it is now hurting the kids? Let’s examine what adultery is as defined by the word of God. “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)
When you get married, you vow to love your spouse’s qualities and flaws but when you feel like he/she isn’t good enough, it means you’re desiring greener grass. You may not have someone in mind but you are lusting after the idea of a person. The bible refers to lust as “looking with intention.” The bible uses the “eye” figuratively to describe who we are and our inner desires. In other words, the eye represents the soul. “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22) The sign of a healthy eye is one that is complete. When you get married, you become one with your spouse. If your soul separates from your spouse, whether it be by physical means, in heart or mind, then your eye is unhealthy. It is in search of another soul to cling to and it is at that point when you commit adultery. It is now up to you to try to find a way to reconnect with your spouse or decide to live outside of your union. When children are involved, consider that the children feel everything that you are feeling.
“Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21) As parents, it is your duty to protect your children. Staying in a marriage that causes you to fight and be consistently unhappy in front of your children is not protecting them, it is provoking them. Your negative energy and relationship makes it difficult for them to have healthy relationships in the future because all they’ve experienced is dysfunction.
They will be reluctant to be married and discouraged by the definition of love set by your standards. Remember, the way you want your children to be loved and cared for in a marriage is the same way you should love and care for your spouse. This means trying to salvage the marriage through counseling and making an effort to rediscover the things that made you fall in love with them. It also calls for you to take some time to examine yourself and come to terms with your truth. When did you change? When did your soul disconnect from the person you vowed to love? Ask God to forgive you for allowing your marriage to disintegrate and ask Him for guidance.
If you feel like the marriage has come to an end, the best thing you can do for your family is humble yourself, and seek counseling together as a couple.  Continue to strive for a cordial relationship with your spouse in order to raise the children. It will give your children the chance to understand what it means to have a healthy relationship.

Categories
Engaged Home Marriage

Refusing the Generational Curse

I didn’t learn about generational curses until 5 years ago during a Deliverance service. Generational curses are negative things that follow a family for generations. It is a cycle of regrets, rejections, addictions, and pain. Though your marriage may seem perfect, there are curses that may follow you, if you allow them to.
Growing up, I was surrounded by dysfunctional relationships, including that of my parents. I saw the phony happiness as well as the blatant disrespect on both parts. How is a child ever to know what love is? In my eyes, love was not something I thought I’d ever have but I felt I needed. It scared me because I thought that if I sought love then it would hurt. And it did.
Love was treacherous for me from high school, when I first started (secretly) dating up to the time I met my husband. Even though I was not allowed to date, I snuck around and I am kind of glad that I did. I was able to get the ugly out of the way and now I have more time with the man made for me. I am not advocating pre-mature dating or disobedience. I should have listened to my mom but my stubbornness has helped as well as it has hurt me.
My generational curse was the idea that love was supposed to be “painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary,” like Olivia Pope thinks it should be (Scandal Season 2). Love is supposed be the feeling of “peace in the middle of the storm,” being empty and full at the same time, being inexplicably happy, and yes extraordinary. But that wasn’t what I saw in my household or in the generations before my parents. I had to let go of the memory of my forefathers and embrace the vision God gave me.
Before getting married, I spent time studying 1 Corinthians chapter 7, where Paul discusses sex and marriage. I struggled with fornication and I wanted things to be perfect in my relationship. I studied and studied until I started to look past the sex aspect and learned that marriage is about sacrifices; it is about the positive bondage. I didn’t realize that this type of connection or “oneness” existed because it wasn’t anything I had ever experienced or witnessed. The “bondage” puts an end to that curse because it required me to cling to my spouse. I had to shake off the old single me AND the old curses I was raised under.
When I started attending church on a regular basis, I witnessed happy marriages. Spending time around marriages that were strong, broke the curse and created a blessing. I threw away the curse of brokenness and clung to unity. I am determined to have an 80 year marriage as crazy as it may seem. I had to combat the mistrust, the desire to give up, and the painful past in order to step into my future.
 
 
 
 

Categories
Engaged Marriage

Why I Gave Up My Maiden Name

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Uncategorized

The Rules of War: Five Ways of Fighting Fair

Categories
Home Marriage

Is Your Marriage Fireproof?

My husband and I watched the movie Fireproof this weekend. I urge all married couples and engaged couples to watch it as well. While watching the movie, all I could think was, “Is MY marriage fireproof?” I want to share with you a few things I learned from the movie.
Most people have a fight or flight mentality. When conflict arises are you going to stay and fight or run and leave (flight)? For me, I have a flight mentality. When serious conflict arises, I just want to run away and be left alone. As a married person, this is not fair to my husband who has a fight mentality.
One quote from the movie that stood out to me is, “Fireproof doesn’t mean that a fire will never come… But that when it comes, you’ll be able to withstand it.”
This quote stuck out to me because conflict will come in marriage, but when it does come are you strong enough to withstand it. Are you going to unite with your spouse and commit to getting through this tough time together or are you going to give up at the first sign of trouble. Even if your spouse is not committed, you should still be committed to making your marriage work.
This leads me to the next quote, “Never leave your partner behind, especially in a fire.”
When you get married, you are one. How silly would it be to leave yourself? Imagine firefighters fighting a massive fire. At that moment, the firefighters need each other the most to ensure safety and survival. When fires come in your marriage, that is when your spouse needs you the most. You wouldn’t purposely leave yourself stranded in the middle of a forest fire or outside in a hurricane, so why would you leave your spouse stranded in the middle of a fire pertaining to your marriage?
Another quote that stood out to me is, “God made marriage to be for life. That’s why you gotta keep your vows to your spouse. You gotta ask God to teach you how to be a good husband/wife. And don’t just follow your heart, because your heart can be deceived. But you gotta lead your heart.”
Feelings are fickle. You may not always feel like loving your spouse. You may not always feel like being a good wife. You may not feel like keeping the vows you made on your wedding day because things are hard now, and it wasn’t on your wedding day. You have to make a choice and a commitment to lead your feelings. You have to make a choice to do the right thing and show your spouse love and respect even when you FEEL he/she doesn’t deserve it. Pray about it. God will show you how. Remember you vowed for better or for worse. Worse will come. Remember the commitment you made before God, your family, and your friends.
I would love to hear from you. How do you plan on ensuring your marriage is Fireproof?