Tag: one

Categories
Communication

Why You Shouldn’t Make A New Year’s Resolution

Friendly african american executive business woman brainstorming using green adhesive notes in a modern white office

Writer: Briana Whiteside
As we near the end of 2017, many are preparing their New Year’s Resolutions. For some this may include getting in shape for summer 2018 and for others it may mean leaving a long-term situationship. Whatever the case may be, the end of the year generally brings a sense of reflection. If we’re honest, some of the resolutions we made at the beginning of the year didn’t quite make it to the end of the year. Why? Why didn’t we follow through with everything that we set out to do at the top of the year?
 
If you’re anything like me, you probably set big goals for yourself. In your mind, you believe that you can accomplish anything, but fail to consider the cost of the dream. You may holdfast to Philippians 4:13 which reminds us that you “can do all things through Christ who strengthens,” without accounting for your flesh that threatens to stop you every step of the way. Now this is not to discourage you in any form, but to reveal a possibility as to why many of us are not finishing the year as strongly as we could.
 
This is why I stopped making resolutions and started making decisions with strategies for them. I was tired of setting huge goals at the beginning of the year only to lay them down by June and reason that “there’s too much on my plate.” Even more, I was irritated with the constant reminder that I let myself down…again.
 
When we get caught up in the hype of the New Year, sometimes we forget that we are bringing our old selves along for the journey. This is where it gets tricky because while we have the intentions to do better, we have not changed our mindset. In essence, you cannot change your situation without altering, or even abandoning, the former ways in which you’ve perceived it. You cannot continue to flirt with the mentality that hindered you this year or in previous years. With this in mind, perhaps you should abandon your resolution and decide to strategize towards your goal.
 
Here are a few tips:
 

  1. Write the goal— Ok now, this may seem like a no brainer but it’s really essential in the process of decision making. Sometimes seeing something on paper brings a new, more concrete, awareness to it.

 

  1. Ask the hard question (why?)— I have previously set goals for myself that I thought I really wanted to accomplish. However, it wasn’t until I started asking myself “why” that I realized—more times than not— I wanted to accomplish the goal because someone else had done it. You can probably assume that I never successfully achieved these goals because the foundation on which they were constructed was not authentic. So, ask yourself “why” this goal is important to you with the hope of not only reaching a more realistic understanding, but gauging your positioning with it.

 

  1. Write the first step—After you’ve written the goal, you should now engage with it. Ask yourself, “What is the first thing that needs to be done to help me get to the end?” I find that if you write the first step then you’ll more than likely begin to understand what is required of you in order to reach it.

 

  1. Bring it into community—This may require a little more thinking. When I’m determined to accomplish something, I bring others in on the journey. This means that I ask people to hold me accountable for my actions or lack thereof. Attention: the friends you choose to help you in this process should not have a history of pacifying your dysfunction, but they should be as invested in your growth as you are.

 

  1. Do research—Knowledge is your best friend when you’re trying to do something that you’ve never done before. As an active researcher, I’ve learned the power of information gathering and vetting. While not all material is helpful, if you’re intentional, you can find what works for you.

 

  1. Apply the knowledge—The common misconception is that knowledge is power. That’s just like telling someone who eats fast food every night that it’s causing them to gain weight and they do it anyway. Does this mean that they don’t have the information? No. It simply means that they aren’t applying it to their lives. While they are equipped with the power to change, if they don’t make the decision to do so then the information is in vain. Therefore, you must apply the knowledge.

 
Ultimately, when we are thinking about change in any situation, we must first plan to succeed. This may require us to ditch the resolution and start choosing better goals accompanied by strategies.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

8 Consequences of Dating the Wrong Guy

There are tons of consequences that stem from dating the wrong guy. Some of us only know bad relationships so it becomes a perpetual cycle. But it’s time to break that cycle. Your heart, your destiny and purpose and your future deserves better than relationships with the wrong guys. Here are 8 consequences of dating the wrong guy:

  1. Wasted Time. Time is something that we can never get back so we have to be wise with how we use it. Staying in a relationship with a guy that you know you have no future with is a waste. If there is no future then cut your ties and move on.
  2. Delayed Promise. When you were born, God had a specific assignment for you to complete but if you’re entangled in the wrong relationship then it is possible to delay the promise on your life. Promise works best when you’re connected to right relationships.
  3. The Right Guy. When you’re trotting around with the wrong guy, the right guy can’t find you. Or if he does find you, he’ll think you’ve already been found. Now you’re delaying the chance of feeling true love.
  4. Broken Spirit. Being with the wrong person can leave you feeling hopeless. You’ll feel like you’ll never be found by the right person. Having a broken spirit often leaves you feeling blah about life and your future.
  5. Trust Issues. Dating the wrong guy will have you doubting the right guy. Meaning, even if the right guy comes around, if you haven’t dealt with the consequences of dating the wrong guy, you’ll try to make him pay for another man’s mistakes. And that’s not fair.
  6. Soul Ties. You formed these ungodly emotional connections that last long after the relationship is over. I call it residue. Soul ties are like residue. You may not be in that relationship anymore but your heart still is and until you sever that tie, you’ll won’t be able to have a healthy connection to the right guy.
  7. Broken-Heart. Because you’ve allowed yourself to form a bond with this person and you now have an emotional connection, when the relationship ends you will be left with a broken heart. This broken heart could have been avoided if you would’ve heeded to the signs when they were first shown to you. It’s enough stuff out here to break our hearts, let’s not put ourselves intentionally in a situation of heartbreak.
  8. It turns you into a serial dater. You’ve dated the wrong guy, now you’re so fixated on finding someone “better” that you’re in and out of relationships. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to sit still. Heal your heart and allow God to be in charge of your love life.

 

Categories
Communication Home Single

5 Signs That He Is Into You

married couple talking while having a breakfast time outdoors

We all know the age old saying “Men Are From Mars and Women are From Venus” which basically symbolizes how different the sexes are, and it couldn’t be more true. It’s far easier for me to communicate and understand the emotional cues of my female friends than of my male friends. Which could be due to obvious reasons; given that I am a female myself, but these differences really attribute to why relationships take work. Men and women assess, communicate and deal with things differently. I can’t recall how often I’ve had conversations with my girlfriends about whether or not a guy is into them. And after having several of these “deep, philosophical, analytical talks,” and coming down to the root of the problem, along with personal experiences  of my own; I’ve come to realize, that men are not that complex, and that is no offense to men, but a relief for women. Here are some ways to tell if a guy is into you.
1.  He Initiates Conversation– We live in a day where communication is readily at our fingertips; literally. Regardless of how busy we are, we check our phones multiple times a day. If a guy is into you he won’t leave you hanging for hours after you’ve texted him, or go several days without texting/calling you. We are never too busy to make time for the things we care about.
 
2.  He Tells People About You- If a guy is into you he will mention you to his family and friends. We like to talk about the good things that are happening in our lives, and if you mean something to him, and he sees a potential future, he will let the people in his life know.
 
3.  He Treats You Like You Matter- If he makes you a priority by taking you out  or doing the thoughtful things that make you feel like you’re special to him, then he is into you.
 
 4. He Compliments You- I don’t mean just complimenting your physical traits, but complimenting your mind and other qualities you possess, and showing genuine interest in your passions, talents and hobbies.
 
 5. He Tells You He’s Into You- A mature man isn’t afraid to tell you how he feels about you. And even if he doesn’t, if it has been some time of getting to know each other then it should be pretty obvious, and you should feel confident about how he feels towards you. Basically put, if a man is into you… you will know.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Single

3 Attributes a Man Needs to Date You

Man In Prayer
1. Unwavering Faith in Christ
Before Christ, I dated men that were filled with darkness because I too was filled with darkness. I was longing for love, not realizing that I didn’t have love. I was simply longing for an emotion that wasn’t on the inside of me. In essence, I longed for something I didn’t even know.
I found myself never waiting on the right one but simply settling for all the wrong ones. These men had no faith in God. They didn’t believe in the God that I knew growing up as a child. But again my reality set in, that I didn’t have faith in God either. I knew who God was but I didn’t completely trust that he could be ruler over my life.
I’ve encountered so many broken relationships in my life romantically that I arrived at a place in 2014 that I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I began to have faith in God because I saw for myself that He was the true and the living God. Now I desired not only to put my trust in the Most High God but to also wait for a man that had faith in God. I didn’t want a man with wavering faith. I needed a man that had unwavering faith in Jesus Christ.
2. Incorruptible Reputation
My past isn’t pretty. I’ve made some choices that I regretted making in this life. If you would read my story, my reputation was corrupt. If you heard some of things that I did, you would probably be shocked. Even sometimes when I look back over my life, I too am shocked at some choices I made. The great thing that I’ve discovered is the ashes of my past made beauty of my future.
When God called me out of darkness into his marvelous light in 2014, my sins were forgiven, my past was finished and I was a new creature in Christ Jesus. Living for Christ doesn’t mean that I’m perfect but that God thought I was worth it. Even now when I fall, His love covers me.
I had dated men that said all the right stuff, but their actions never aligned with their words. By the time I realized that they were liars, I had already invited them into my bed, only to find that they were not the one that God had ordained for my life.
So I came to a point of realizing that the man that God needed me to have would need to have an incorruptible reputation. I’m not saying that his past had to be squeaky clean. But I am saying that his walk with Christ had to align with the word of God. His actions had to align with the word of God. The way he treated others and even me had to resemble the word of God.
3. Strong Biblical Foundation
I learned so much about my heavenly father by reading the bible. It is through his word that I’ve become grounded in His truth. It is through His word that my life has transformed and the woman I use to be was formed into what my Heavenly Father wanted me to be. It’s through the bible that I learned how to pray and even what to say.
The man that I prayed for needed to have a biblical foundation. There are so many ideologies out there in the world. Many of our people are falling for beliefs that God never intended for us to consume our spirits with. Because of that very truth, I needed a man that had a strong biblical foundation. A man that wasn’t afraid to open his bible and study the word.  A man that was open to discussing the word aloud with me. A man that was open to being transparent so we could faith share together. A man that was willing to share his knowledge and wisdom with me.
We as women of God must never settle to have a piece of a man because God desires for us to have a whole man. Not just physically but also spiritually. Women of God, please wait for the man with an unwavering faith in Christ, an incorruptible reputation and a strong biblical foundation. Godly men do still exist!

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Physical Intimacy Single Spiritual Intimacy

Three Signs You’re Ignoring That Your Relationship is Wrong

Years ago, when I was younger (too young), I was in a relationship with a girl of a different faith. Despite our different beliefs, we got along wonderfully. We made one another laugh, we encouraged each other when we were down, and we left God completely out of the relationship.
On a side note, “missionary dating” is not a thing. It is a distraction and an excuse for you to suppress the Holy Spirit. You hope that, by some miracle, your “light” for Jesus will draw them home, as you “minister” to him or her by leading them on. Let’s stop that.
Now, back to my story. One evening, I was home alone. The wind was howling, the freezing rain was pelting the windows, and the winter air was wafting under the door, and I had some scented candles lit for some ambiance.
I had just had a disagreement with my parents about this girl I was seeing who didn’t love Jesus. In spite of all of my reasoning, I just could not get that argument out of my head. To distract myself, I turned on the TV. The first channel that popped up was a Christian broadcasting channel. The first words that came out of that pastor’s mouth were something along the lines of, “You know when you’re disobeying God, so drop that sin, repent, and He will restore you!”
I glared at the TV and shot back, “I am not breaking up with Rebekah!” Instantly, the thunder quaked, the TV shut off, and a breeze blew through my living room, snuffing out the candles. The feeling of conviction and holy fear was overwhelming.
I broke it off with Rebekah.
Maybe you’ve been where I was, or know someone in that situation.
Stop assuming God is in your relationship if you have these three red flags:

  1. He or she draws out your sexuality over your sanctification. It was extremely easy to “shelf” my Christianity, because Rebekah knew what a teenage boy was after, and I had never been kissed. The human sex drive is a powerful function that God created, for marriage. The world wants us to sell out for a moment of pleasure. If this relationship ever—whether because of infatuation, sexual desire, or mere distraction—causes you to forget and abandon your First Love, God is not glorified, and this relationship is not from Him.
  2. You find yourself batting away caution on a regular basis. I’ve had it both ways: good and bad, in terms of relationships. With this ungodly relationship, I would enjoy being with this girl, laugh all the way home, and frown as I drifted off to sleep. When I was with the girl who is now my wife, we would worship together in the car; I would cover her and champion purity in our relationship, and I would go to bed at night, feeling closer to my First Love because of Sarah. If you are swatting at foreboding, convicting thoughts, you are in danger of hardening your heart and suppressing the Holy Spirit’s leading.
  3. Family, friends, and spiritual leaders warn you of the dangers of the relationship. Whether by mere outside perspective, spiritual discernment, or recalling their own past experiences, the godly people in your life who voice some red flags about your relationship are valid voices. They aren’t infatuated with the person, so they aren’t under the influence of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin (the chemicals released in your brain when you fall in love).

God renews our minds to want what He wants. And it is so good. Please, don’t sell yourself short. Save yourself for Jesus and watch as He shapes your desires into un-shakeable standards, and then provides the mate to meet those standards!

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

8 Questions to Ask on a First Date

See when I opened myself up to dating, I already knew in my mind that my goal was to get married. So I’m not going to waste 5 dates with someone that doesn’t want to get married.
I’m not a time waster and I would hate to waste someone else’s time. That’s why I came up with these 7 first date questions.
1. Do you have a relationship with Christ?
2. Who holds you accountable with your walk?
With these questions, I’m trying to figure out IF HE/SHE KNOWS JESUS? Does he/she have a relationship with him? Does he/she just attend church and sit in the back row or does he actually involve himself/herself with the church? Are we equally yoked? If not, thanks but no thanks!
3. How’s your relationship with your parents?
4. How do you feel about marriage?
These are the questions you ask to find out about his views on relationships and  how well he maintains them.
5. What are your core values?
6. Have you identified your purpose, your calling? Spiritual gifts?
It’s important to know what keeps him/her grounded. What directions does God have him/her going in? If you’re going to be someone’s help meet, you need to know what you’re helping with.
7. Are you having sex or have you decided to wait until you’re married?
8. What type of boundaries do you have in place when dealing with the opposite sex?
This will help you learn about his/her sexual history and also how they deal with the opposite sex. I mean, are they just all out here all “willy nilly” or do they have self-control?
The list of questions you can ask on date are endless, the most important thing is to just ASK them.
When you decide to enter into a relationship with someone, you’re in relationship with their heart, their soul, their decisions, their past and their future.
So when I started thinking about it that way, I knew I would have to learn to ask the hard questions upfront if I didn’t want to waste time. So what if they run scared, mission accomplished and if they don’t, well, then there’s potential.
What questions would you ask on a first date?

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Poisons That Don't Belong in Relationships

356727

Throughout life, it’s inevitable that our hearts and minds will take beatings in ways that can potentially have a negative effect on our view of ourselves and others. The problem is, when we allow those negative thoughts to reign over the reality of who God says we are, they can cause some serious damage in our relationships.
In order to maintain a thriving relationship – whether it’s a friendship, a relationship, marriage, or with a family member – I believe it’s incredibly important to recognize when you’ve allowed these ‘poisons’ into your life, and then get rid of them!
Here are five poisons that I have observed:

  1. Insecurities: Insecurities are incredibly easy to pick up. The truth is, an insecurity represents an area of your life that is not under the authority of God. Acknowledging insecurities that you carry is a good start to getting rid of them.  Then it’s important to pursue what God says about it, and let Him have the final say.
  2. Comparisons: The problem with comparisons is that they will never end once you start! Someone will always be more ____[fill-in-the-blank] than you. But there will never be anyone who has the exact combination of gifts, personality, appearance, history, and desires as you do! The world can’t have another human being exactly just like you, so why deprive them? Figure out what makes you unique and celebrate those qualities, instead of wishing you were like someone else. Otherwise, it is an open door for jealousy, shame and self-deprecation – all of which can wreak havoc on your relationships because you will only be able to love the other person according to how much you love yourself.
  3. Negative assumptions: Assuming the worst in someone will likely bring the worst out of them. Of course people are going to let you down. Of course people are going to fail. But if you continually expect the worst to happen you may create some false truths about the other, along with missing a lot of good that may be going on! In general, assuming the best has a way of raising the other to a higher standard, along with freeing yourself from worry, anxiety, frustration, etc.
  4. Fear: Fear causes us to make decisions that may not be rooted in wisdom or love. This can put a huge strain on relationships, especially when the other isn’t aware of fears you may struggle with. It’s important to keep your motivation in check. Ask yourself why you are making a decision. Are you afraid of what could happen if you don’t? Or is it because you are certain it is right for the circumstances you’re in?
  5. Lack of Vulnerability: It is impossible to deeply connect with another person if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Not expressing feelings or opening up can only last so long until it creates a tension in a relationship. Being vulnerable may be scary at times, but has a way of developing a safe place which in turn allows a relationship to progress. Without progression, relationships tend to just go backward or fall apart.Above all, relationships take work and being intentional! The more proactive you can be about not allowing these ‘poisons’ in your relationships, the more life-giving they will be.

Categories
Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage

Relationship Goals= Compatible Callings

Happy to be together. Handsome young man piggybacking beautiful woman and smiling while standing against grey background

Are we compatible?

Western Christian culture may or may not have adapted a “caste system,” in regards to what we know and identify as our calling. Some believe that their future spouse needs to perfectly align with their calling.
We see it all the time: Pastors should marry beautiful wives who can sing, pray, or teach children, right? Oh, and a guitar-playing, worship-leading guy needs to marry a piano-savvy woman.
Someone I know feels called to a particular field of world missions and insists that their future spouse have the same exact call to the same exact group of people. Is it wrong to desire someone like-minded and like-hearted? Of course not! But we probably don’t need to be so stringent about whom we allow into our inner circle of compatibility.

Two hearts, One Vision

In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul addresses the issue with regards to believers being “yoked” (bound, committed to) with unbelievers. But what about marriage between believers? Should people marry someone with the same vocational interests, or does this great mystery of calling go beyond the income source?
Do musicians have to marry musicians? No! But a person called to live in and minister in Ghana may encounter some friction if the person they are engaged to feels called to be a full-time library clerk in their northwestern Boston commonwealth.

Godly Vision

It is absolutely possible for a youth pastor and high school teacher to find love in one another. The crux of the issue is vision.
These five guidelines may help couples be compatible, blend their unique callings, and use them together for the Kingdom:

  1. Love for one another’s purpose. My wife has always been supportive of what I believe the Lord has created me to be. God’s call on an individual’s life far surpasses a job title. It has everything to do with who a person is called to be. I love my wife’s unique set of gifts, and she loves mine. We honor what God has chosen to deposit in one another.
  2. Ability to fit two distinct purposes into one marriage. There is a very Kingdom reason that the Lord brought you and your spouse together. My wife’s gift of music and leading others into God’s presence flows well with my gift of discipleship and mentoring. A couple does not need the same job description in order to flow in divine gifts together to benefit the Kingdom.
  3. No resentment when one succeeds. Some friends of ours are both musically gifted. The husband enthusiastically supported his wife as she pursued country music. Quietly in the background, the husband began writing songs to the Lord. Soon, the worldwide Church began to sing his songs. This loving wife celebrated her husband’s anointing without glaring disparagingly at her husband’s discovered anointing. Competition for prominence between spouses is unhealthy. Celebrate when your spouse gets promoted for his or her gifts.
  4. No “surprise callings.” Don’t wait until the honeymoon to tell your spouse, “Oh, by the way, hon, I believe the Lord wants me to travel to Mars in the first manned mission.” My wife and I joked about how wild our life together in ministry would be, and we have enjoyed the journey ever since!
  5. Able to move as one. It is also crucial to be able to flow, as one, in your life together. You don’t have to have the same career but know your gifts, where you’re going, and how to blend your unique gifts to accomplish the purpose for which the Lord has brought you together!

How do you and your spouse’s unique gifts complement one another?
 

Categories
Single

The Problem With Situationships

You’re seeing this person, you’re not in a relationship, but you do relationship things. Your heart is attached, but there is no commitment.  You dream of a future but they constantly remind you, there is none. WHY, oh Why do you do this to yourself?
 
As for me, my situationship brought forth comfort. If I couldn’t be in a relationship, why not be in a pretend relationship? Why not get a free meal, free cuddle time, and enjoy the company of another. It was harmless, or so I thought. It wasn’t until my heart was fully invested that I realized the harm this “situationship” was about to present. What started as lots of fun, ended in tears and heartache.
 
I thought I could eventually win his heart, making him love me the way I loved him. That was, until he made it extremely clear that he would leave me if his dream girl crossed his path. I wish someone had shared with me the one simple, yet HUGE, problem with “situationships”.
 
So, what’s the problem? Truth be told, “situationships” are mirages, they are counterfeit experiences and will ultimately cause more problems! It’s presented as the ultimate prize, when it’s intrinsic value doesn’t even come close!
 
I’ll never forget being in a service and the preacher said, the enemy waits for an opportune time, just like he did Jesus. Remember after Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, the devil attempted to present Jesus with what appeared to be all of earth’s kingdoms. In exchange, all he had to do was bow down to the devil. Of course Jesus sent him on his way.
 
Unlike Jesus, those of us who find ourselves in “situationships” give in to the temptation. We’ll settle for what’s being offered to us, with no consideration of the future. Though Jesus was tempted, he stayed the course, resulting in him fulfilling his purpose and being worshiped by all nations, (psalms 66:4); the very thing the enemy promised. Truth is, the enemy knows our future and does his best to hinder us from reaching it. He knew who Jesus would be to all the earth and TRIED to deter him from it. Yep he tried it, and if he tried it with Jesus, he’ll try it with you!
 
Don’t give up the real for the mirage aka a “situationship”. Your future and those attached to your obedience depends on your ability to move beyond what the enemy presents. Be encouraged, and remember nothing fake can ever produce anything real. Wait on the real deal! Know if you are being presented with the mirage, the real thing MUST BE AMAZING and then some!!!!!

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Leaving the Friend Zone: 5 Steps to Dating A Friend

young happy couple jumping on beach