Tag: communication

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Dating/Courting Home Marriage

Let Your Husband Find You: Part 2

In the previous article, I described some tips a pastor gave to find (or not find) a husband.

  • Let your husband find you.
  • Make a list of all of the things you want in a husband.
  • Trust the word that God gives you.

I followed these steps and my husband of almost four years has every quality I desired from height to ethnicity to personality.
When I heard the sermon I was only 19 and the story seemed far fetched but I was so desperate for relief that I was ready to try anything. I must have sat in that bath tub for more than two hours listing all of the things I desired and trying to be honest with myself and God. There were many times that I said what I thought I wanted and then had to mentally erase these so-called qualities that have gotten me in trouble in the past. After praying, I sat silently, waiting for God to speak to me. It wasn’t long before I heard a quiet voice tell me that I will meet my husband in a year and six months after, I would be married. He said that the devil will send people in my way but not to get distracted.
The very next day, I met a Packaging Designer for Fisher Price. He was sexy, strong, had money and was a little mysterious, every girl’s superficial dream. I tried to turn him into the man I asked for but in the end, I realized he was like every other “man” I dated: selfish and abusive. Even with that experience, I still tried to force three more relationships, including one with my ex…and his baby….and his baby-mama and each were utter failures. June 2010, a year after my prayer, I decided that I wasn’t going to get married; I’d just focus on my writing career. The next week, I met Robert Crewe. His best friend introduced us because we were both writers. We spoke everyday for three days before we actually met. I was convinced that we were going to be friends at most. Three days after meeting him, while on our first date, we stood at the Promenade Downtown Brooklyn (New York).
I said to him, “There’s something that I want to say but I’m afraid to say it.”
He said, “I want to say it too.”
Instead I told him, “I want a daughter with your eyes.”
Three years later, I gave birth to Jael Octavia Crewe, a beautiful little girl with daddy’s eyes and mommy’s nose.
There are no words to explain God’s miracles but I want you to know that you can and will experience them. I was a woman with very little faith in what God spoke into my life but I always kept it in the back of my mind because I knew that maybe, one day, it would be true. Everything He spoke into my life has happened thus far. Even though I had naysayers, including my spiritual counselor, I held on to God’s blessing. As we move toward a new year, I want you to sit down with God and discuss your future. Don’t be afraid to claim your destiny and declare your victory.
Revelation 21:6-7New Living Translation (NLT)
6 And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. 7 All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

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Dating/Courting Home Marriage

Let Your Husband Find You: Part 1

It was four years ago when I expressed to my pastor that I was in love and we were going to be married. He insisted that my husband-to-be only told me those words to sleep with me. It was at that point that I knew I didn’t have a counselor. I felt alone. How dare he try to take away my blessing? That day I walked away feeling like I was in a fight for my life. I knew that his feelings were that of many people who could not understand finding happiness in just 6 months.
A year and a half before meeting the love of my life, I sat in a bath tub with tears flowing down my face. I was suffering from a broken heart. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me again and this time got a girl pregnant. I felt like dying. Was he the best that I could do?
As I cried, I recalled a sermon that I heard just a few weeks before. He met a young woman who was desperate for a husband. He explained to her that her husband will find her.
“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” Psalm 18:22
As women, we cannot force relationships because its not our calling to. God created man FIRST meaning it is his duty to initiate the relationship. When he finds his wife he finds a good thing because he has found the missing part of HIM.
The pastor then instructed her to make a list of all of the qualities she desired in a husband and said that in a year, she will be married. The word of God says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7 It is when we ask, and have faith that God will answer us. We may not receive what we want exactly when we want it but in His time we will receive our answer and possibly our husband.
The young lady didn’t believe the pastor but by the next year not only was she married, she had a child.
God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. It is not up to us or anyone else to tell us what our calling or a blessings are. When we make the conscious decision to talk to God about our future, we are relinquishing the right to take control. “Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” (Psalm 55:22). If we put our total trust in Him, He will not steer us wrong, whether it be in relationships or life in general.
Following the pastor’s advice, I was able to marry the man that I requested. I rebuked every negative person that tried to advise me against following God’s word for my life including my pastor. We cannot let anyone stop us from obtaining what is rightfully ours.

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Marriage

Obedience Brings the Blessing

Has God ever given you a word or told you to do something that seemed so crazy that you were afraid to tell your spouse? After a fight with my supervisor, God told me to leave my job. How could I face my family if I leave my secure position, my health insurance and my pay check? It just didn’t make any sense. I was convinced that it was my subconscious but God sent me signs. He even had strangers talk to me! They all brought me the same word: “God is ready to elevate you; you need to do whatever He is telling you to do.” I finally decided to tell him. I was afraid of his reaction but he simply said, “I’ll support any decision that you make.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Here’s what I learned:

  • Your blessing is intertwined with your spouse’s.

“26 See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse— 27 the blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today…” Deuteronomy 11:26-27
If your spouse receives a word from God, don’t discourage him/her from listening. God will never tell your spouse to do something without already making preparations for you and your family. Your spouse will never make a decision that will purposely hurt your family. He/she is just as thoughtful and scared as you are but their obedience as well as your obedience (by supporting your spouse) will bring a blessing.
If you receive a word, trust your spouse enough to talk to him/her. Even if you don’t receive the response that you want, God will create an opportunity for your spouse to be in-sync with you. Whenever my husband’s faith in my decision wavered, I asked him to pray for me but it was really for him. I needed him to be on-board with God’s word.

  • Fighting God will only lead to destruction.

“…28the curse if you disobey the commands of the Lord your God and turn from the way that I command you today…” Deuteronomy 11:28
As obedience brings a blessing likewise disobedience brings a curse. Not all Christians can identify the voice of God. If you are reverenced enough to do so and refuse to listen not only will you forfeit your blessing, you bring a curse on both you and your family. When I heard from God, I should have listened immediately. While I was questioning His authority over my life, my job became increasingly unsafe for me physically, mentally, and spiritually. My husband was also struggling with his job at the same time. He was being lied on and almost lost his position. We could not understand why this was happening to the two of us. It wasn’t until I decided that I will leave, that my husband was released from the bondage of his job. At the time, I didn’t actually leave yet but I let my job know that I would be leaving at the end of the year. I was partially listening…I tried to appease God and myself but, of course, I can’t outsmart God! I became an angry person who was unable to do her job. God used my coworker to reveal to me what I was doing wrong. I’ll never forget what she said “You are hindering your husband’s blessing.” I fell a part. That Sunday, I received my breakthrough at church and I haven’t been back to my job since. Opportunities and ideas have opened up for us that I know would not have if I continued to ignore God.
Obedience to God means having faith in Him and sometimes faith in your spouse. Trust him/her enough to talk about the direction that God is leading you in. Don’t be afraid to allow God to take control of your life because it will lead to greater opportunities for you and your family.

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Marriage Parenting

Living With The Inlaws

Last year my husband and I fell on some hard times and we were unable to upkeep our beautiful (cheap) apartment and take care of our little one. My mom so graciously offered to take us in which was a struggle for my husband and I. We were worried about what it could do to our marriage. As new parents, we also feared that we wouldn’t be able to raise our child the way we wanted to. Today, we are on big happy family considering this continued arrangement. Here’s how our marriage has survived almost a year of living with an in-law.

  1. Be clear about the boundaries in the home.

Although you want to be respectful to your parent/in-law, it’s important to be open and honest about what you expect the living arrangements to be even if you’re being helped. The last thing anyone would want is the family falling apart. Before you pack even one box, say “We absolutely appreciate the help but we still want our child to know who his/her parents are.” One of my biggest pet peeves is a child recognizing their grandparents as their parents when the actual parents are available to take care of their child. My husband and I make sure we not only do the basics but we are very present in her life. We don’t take advantage of the fact that my retired mother is in the home.

  1. Don’t Take Advantage of the Living Arrangements

As I mentioned in number one, mom and dad (in-laws) are not the live in nannies. Make sure you spend as much time with your child, doing the same things you would if you were on your own. After all, you brought the child into the world. The point of being in the home is to be able to provide the best for your child so try to be your best.
Contribute to the home. We all know moms love to cook and clean for their babies but that umbilical cord does not automatically reattach as soon as you go back home. Offer to cook once in a while. Take over the chore of cleaning and please, please do your own laundry!

  1. Communicate with your spouse.

If you are living with your in-law and you feel uncomfortable don’t be afraid to say so. Keeping that secret can be detrimental to your marriage and cause damage that may take years to repair. Sometimes your in-law may try to “help” by being intrusive and offering unwarranted advice. Not having an open, ongoing conversation about your feelings not only leaves your spouse in the dark but it leaves you in the dark. You are uncomfortable in the place you call home and unsure about the state of your marriage. Holding on to that can stop you from being your best.
If you are the one living with your parent and you feel like your spouse isn’t contributing enough, just tell them. Don’t be afraid to say, “I know this isn’t ideal but thank God we have a roof over our head. Let’s try to do our best to do as much as we can to show our appreciation.” Have a continued open conversation about your feelings about everything.

  1. Communicate with your parents.

You’re living with your parents so it’s safe to say that you have a good relationship with them. Talk to them whenever you feel like they are crossing the boundaries you previously set or any new lines that need to be drawn. Even though you’re grown, your parents still want the best for you. Be respectful and assure them that you appreciate everything that they’ve done but be straight forward.

  1. Don’t be afraid to be intimate!

You’re married, regardless of where you live! Being intimate is absolutely important for the survival of any marriage, more so if you’re in someone else’s home.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Parenting

Putting an End to Generational Cycles

A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. This births the next generation. The launch of a new household starting from ground zero to structure what will become their family.

But we all have a past of people and events that have significantly shaped and influenced our lifestyles possibly more than we ever took the time to realize. Our entire life, our behaviors and thought patterns have been mentally conditioned since we were little children; most of which takes place in the home.

It’s called social learning. Social learning is something we learn to adapt by observation, imitation and practice. And our families have possessed the most influential power over us because we’ve been raised constantly observing them in natural settings, specifically in the home, every day sometimes all day. No matter how destructive, unhealthy or dysfunctional, when it’s been seen as a natural attitude or behavior at some point we accepted these as a normal way to live because we’ve grown so familiar to them.

Now wait a minute Brittney, are you trying to say my family is crazy?

I don’t know. Maybe they are!

Look, maybe your parents, your family did everything they could to ensure your survival and I wouldn’t take away from that for one second. Surviving gets real. As a young mother, I already know. And I’m not saying they were bad people, because we can be well intentioned people with terribly conditioned mindsets. There comes a time as we begin our own families that we have to really stop and analyze some of the unhealthy habits that we were exposed to in our childhood so that we don’t repeat the cycle in our own family. We have the opportunity to completely start anew and give our children a better trajectory of life. No, we won’t be perfect, but we can be preventative.

For example,

Maybe you were raised to see the first reaction to frustration or misunderstanding acted out in anger and hostility; and maybe primarily towards you. Well what does that do as we get older? It teaches us through social learning to handle all our frustrations in anger rather than in wisdom. Nothing’s wrong with being frustrated or upset but when we automatically cloud all judgement in anger or by fighting physically it shows that we haven’t learned how to communicate ourselves in a way where there’s understand that could result in a solution. If we’re yelling and screaming at our kids with no explanation as to why they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing then it becomes a fluster of wild emotions. They’re confused, frustrated and in return learn that anger is the way to handle things, rather than a teaching experience that brings understanding and grows them in wisdom. We can break the cycle of destructive anger starting with our family.

Maybe there was a lack of affection in your home. Sure they worked, fed you and put a roof over your head so yeah that was a form of love by providing. But kids spell love T-I-M-E and A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N. And they need lots of it. What happens when this is missing? We grow up to feed off of the acceptance and praise of others in order to feel good about ourselves. For a young woman, many times it leaves you to try and recap that void by giving yourself to a number of men. We were created to love and be loved in an intimate way.

Or maybe you only got attention when you behaved badly, yet never received any acknowledgement for good behavior. “I expect you to do good.” is what we’re told. But human psychology tells us that we’re naturally conditioned to repeat behaviors that have a good response or positively affect us and we tend not to repeat behaviors that inflict harm or a bad reaction toward us. However, if there’s no balance of praise along with chastisement, we might continue to be rebellious because its bringing some form of attention, even if it’s not the right kind. It leaves us open to grab at any type of attention even if its self destructive. An absence of that can certainly condition our behaviors as we grow older. We can break the cycle of neglect starting with our family.

Maybe problems in your home were never really faced and talked out, but constantly swept under the rug as if everything was perfect or things would somehow “fix themselves”. But what usually happens is those things accumulate and have a snowball effect which leads directly into a crisis. By not learning to be responsible and have the character to face our problems and obstacles in life or in our households we create people who take flight once the going gets tough. You walk away from your problems and try to act like they don’t exist. You find yourself constantly stuck in life because you haven’t built the mentality of overcoming obstacles which are usually teaching moments that grow us.

These are just a few examples! But there are so much more out there.

So I want you to really take the time to think and talk about it as a couple. Get both sides. What are the unhealthy things that took place in my upbringing that have had an affect on my life in a negative way? Not only does that challenge us to make changes in our own lifestyle right now but it opens our eyes to the powerful changes we can make in ending these dysfunctional cycles so our kids won’t have to go experience them the way we did. We teach our children how to behave. They are watching us and developing our same habits through social learning. “Do as I say and not as I do” is not an accurate term we grew up hearing. They will do what you do.

On the other hand, what are new traditions and boundaries you can create with your family? Family game nights, sharing at the dinner table, disciplinary actions that are structured to help build wisdom and direction; even when they won’t always understand but it’s for their good anyway. Being able to do things over is an amazing experience.

Remember, we’re building lives here! Society is built on families and as the church, as the body of Christ we need healthy examples.

Your sister,

Brittney Moses

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Parenting

4 Ways Marriage Has Made Me a Better Human Being

Jonnese and I met each other my senior year of high school. There’s no way I would’ve predicted that years later, at the young age of 20, I would be married! If you knew me at all, just the thought of that is insane! My relationships didn’t last more than three months, life was one big party constantly lived for the moment and I was nowhere near a healthy, stable or mature state to be responsible for other lives let alone my own highly dysfunctional self.

I should’ve been the last of my friends to settle down and be serious about marriage and this whole “starting a family” thing. In fact, I thought it was a joke! The pursuit I had for my life was for the pleasure and success of me. But as we all know, God tends to have extremely different plans.

Anyone who’s had children or married young will tell you, it challenges you to grow up and mature pretty quickly. Not everyone does, but any sincere person who cares for the well being of their child and spouse has to make changes and make them immediately for their survival; mentally and physically.

Although I never planned to get married and have a family young I don’t at all regret it. I thank God because my family saved me from the destructive path I was on, reeled me in and molded me into a better person for so many reasons.

Marriage has taught me:

  1. To Accept Differences

Sure everyone is different, we know that much. Different races, personalities and backgrounds are things we briefly encounter day to day. But what happens when you have to live with those differences every day and it affects you in a personal way.

Well, honestly you’re forced to understand, respect and work those differences out if your marriage is going to have any chance of surviving. Because you will be more different than you thought!

In the beginning its cute. It’s interesting! Its no big deal. Until you realize you handle struggles differently, you communicate differently which creates barriers when conflict arises or now you have kids and raise them differently based on your individual backgrounds. Differences can easily create conflict in the home. What was once tolerable shortly becomes intolerable when it imposes on your life personally.

Marriage forces you to identify those differences, come to a full understanding of one another and mutually agree on how to work through them on a day to day basis to gain a common goal; a healthy growing family. When you can master this in your home, it’s only preparation for being able to deal with the differences we will face in our world in a positive manner.

 

  1. To Forgive the Unforgivable

Let face it, human mistakes won’t end just because you said “I do.” We’ve been raised on fairy-tale endings of happily ever after, but what really did Snow White and Prince Charming face long after they rode into the sunset?

Perfection and completion finishing at the altar of marriage just isn’t reality. In fact, your spouse may disappoint you a number of times as you will them. As imperfect humans we make mistakes, we learn, we grow from them. And boy is marriage a life lesson of learning and growing.

When you’re in a marriage, two become one, and so everything they do directly affects you. There’s no equal unity so closely bonded like a marriage. No relationship we ever have is like our marriage and so we may have never experienced this dynamic where every choice, no matter how big or how small, one person makes impacts our own life every time in such a personal way.

That includes their mistakes. They will mess up. They will do things the wrong way. They will say the wrong things at the wrong time. They will make you question how this will continue to work this way.

That’s what happens when two imperfect people come together. They become an imperfect couple. But grace is the substance that makes the unworkable, somehow work. So we forgive and we grow again and again and again.

And just when it seems like we got it, we do it all over again. It is the God kind of love that keeps marriages fueled. When we can master the act of grace in our homes, from experience we’re taught how to extend constant grace towards others in the outside world.

 

  1. To Not be Reactive

Reactive behavior is when our choices and behaviors are dependent on the choices and behaviors of others rather than us being responsible for our own selves. Thing like, “they made me act this way” or “maybe if they didn’t do this then I wouldn’t have done this”. It absolves us of all responsibility for ourselves. It’s when our behavior is determined by and reacts base on someone else. Reactive people are ruled by feelings and conditions.

On the other hand proactive people don’t blame others or circumstances for their behavior but act from their own conscious choice based on their values. They determine to focus their efforts on the positive things they can do to shift the situation.

For example, I’m not going to curse you out just because you cursed me out. That doesn’t align with the foundational values I stand on in my life and so I choose to not be reactive by letting your actions determine my own.

When you’re married, again, everything the other person does always affects you personally just from being one and sharing the same living space every day; from their behavior, reactions, language, word choice, etc. In every healthy relationship at some point someone has to choose peace and the bigger picture over being “right”. That’s choosing not to be proactive and not reactive.

If you want your marriage to survive you soon find that retaliation, revenge and pushing buttons back goes nowhere but down. So you quickly learn, or need to learn, the self-discipline of not being reactive. When we can master the choice to not be reactive based on the behaviors of others we can then go out into the world making positive changes rather than conforming to every negative circumstance.

 

  1. To Commit to a Life of Sacrifice

Marriage is sacrifice period. Biblically both leave their families and cleave to one another to begin a new family. The wife submits to the headship of her husband and the husband lays down his life to accommodate his wife time and time again. There’s this ongoing balance of sacrifice consistently being made.

There’s this quote I love that says, “Great marriages are made when husbands and wives make a lot of everyday choices that say ‘I love you’ rather than choices that say ‘I love me’.

And the truth is, in order for any relationship to work there has to be a mutual willingness to sacrifice for one another otherwise it becomes one sided and the other person will soon feel taken advantage of. That kind of model will collapse and won’t last long anytime someone feels unappreciated or unnoticed.

Marriage takes financial sacrifices, sacrificing what I want to do for what you want to do, sacrificing self-fulfilling desires, sacrificing time and much more. You’ve made a vow to commit your life to this person as your partner and you as their support through good and bad till death do you part. And every day you are dedicating to upkeep this vow mostly out of the goodness of love. Learning to make these kinds of sacrifices, putting another’s life and interests before your own, day in and day out teaches you tremendously the heart of sacrifice when it comes to those around you.

When I look back on the person I use to be and was headed towards I can honestly say that marriage has kept me grounded and matured me. It has made me a better human being in general because of the way its molded my heart to learn how to work through and accept the differences of others, to extend grace a midst mistakes, to maintain a positive reaction and live a life of sacrifice. Sometimes we focus so heavy on being ready for marriage that we don’t realize many times it’s the marriage that shapes us.

Was this helpful and is there anything marriage has taught you in growing to become a better person? Don’t be afraid to comment below! I’d love to hear back from you.

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Engaged Marriage

Is Your Marriage Purpose Driven?

In order to have a purpose Driven Marriage, you must operate in the:
The power of Agreement
Amos 3:3 states clearly, “How can two people walk together unless they can agree…?” As couple, we must work out every issue with agreement in mind. Two people must be courageous enough to see eye to eye or else they’ll be going ‘eye for an eye’.
A couples’ maturity depends on their mutual understanding of the purpose for their relationship. Whenever one or both people don’t understand the purpose of dating, courting, or marriage then abuse is inevitable. This means that you will destroy a relationship, if there is no purpose or mutual end goal. I’ve set in my heart that dating is for marriage.
Courtship is to discover yourself and the other person in relationship to you being “God’s Best” for them in the aspect of service, sacrifice, and suitability. Marriage is when you bring all that you are into a loving, committed, and Holy union. Therefore, there has to be some strict agreements. Before you marry a person, check their commitment history. Do they break commitments often? Do they have a shaky relationship history when it comes to keeping their word? Marriage is not a contract but marriage is Covenant. Contracts can be broken, but covenant commitments are purposed last a lifetime.
The power of Emergence
A sense of urgency is so important for couples to make it last. Acts 2:45 expresses that the early church sold their possessions and lived as though Christ were coming back soon. Well, in a covenant relationship, there should be an urgency of care, concern, and compassion for one another. This means that a couple should be willing to drop any and everything and consider their marriage as priority.
This means that they should learn the principle of: Stop, Serve, and Sacrifce. Yes, both individuals in a courtship or marriage relationship need to know when to slow down. take time out to serve one another and sacrificially sow value into their relationship so that it can produce good fruit.
The Power of Reciprocity
To be on one accord, means that a couple must learn to build upon a healthy foundation of positive: feedback, counsel, and resolution. In other words, a couple should always be talking about the issues that matter to them the most without allowing themselves to hoard or harbor insecurities. There needs to be a healthy dialogue regarding their husband and wife roles and a consistent vision or goal setting session to help them hold each other accountable. Yes, the marriage and family should operate like a small business with unconditional love as the dynamic that holds everything together.
 
M&Y Guest Writer: Brian K.Cunningham is a highly sought after motivational speaker, life coach. An ordained minister and author of 7 books ranging from self-help to fiction, Brian is a proven leader amongst his peers. Brian has a B.S. in Psychology, M.A. in Teaching, and a Doctorate in Christian Education & Counseling. Brian is a Board certified Pastoral Counselor and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Brian is available for conferences, retreats, Christian counseling and small group sessions. Brian’s ministry specializes in deliverance, healing, restoration, reconciliation, faith, stewardship, all in the name of Christian education and counseling.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

4 Reasons why God Created Marriage

There are many great reasons to get married, for believers several of those reasons should be because we want to partner with God and his heart around this topic.  I am going to briefly share 4 biblical reasons for marriage. Most people view marriage as something solely for the two people and sometimes the extended family but God has some particular things he would like to see us model in marriage as well.
1. The kingdom is a family – The father, son and the Holy Spirit are one, they are a family. In their relationship we see the love of a father through father God, the submission of a loyal son, and his passion for a bride his church, and the compassion of  comforter, Holy Spirit. Jesus dying for the church should be modeled daily in the husbands pursuit for the wife, the honor and submission of the church to Jesus should be modeled daily through the wife.
2. Marriage is for communion and comfort–  We all have read the scripture in Genesis 2:18 that says man should not be alone. God created marriage so that we could have a partner through life, someone to walk every day out with, someone for communion, fellowship and comfort.
3.Multiply and be fruitful– Genesis 1:28 commands us to be fruitful and multiply. As believers we should have children, and in my opinion a lot of them. Every other religion sees the benefit of increasing their religion through children, I believe God has called us to expand the kingdom of God by raising mighty arrows/ children in the lord, for those who may not be able to conceive, adoption is always an option. Adoption is another way to show God’s love as we all have been adopted into the kingdom of God, do not ever be afraid to go that route. Moreover, as married couples our fruitfulness should not end with our children but in helping raise up spiritual children through mentoring and spiritual parenting, if we have a Godly heritage we can pass it and be fruitful by finding others to pour into.
4.Display of God’s love– A marriage should model and imitate the love of Jesus, when people look at your marriage they should want to know God better. The way we love our spouse should reflect the love God has for his children and vice a versa. We were all made for love, marriage is a way to display that love to the world.