Tag: communication

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Keeping Your Marriage Alive: 4 Ways to Spiritual Intimacy

Married life is very busy with work, family, and ministry obligations. It is easy to watch the spiritual connection between you and your spouse quickly fizz out. However, it is so crucial that there is spiritual intimacy between a couple. Spiritual intimacy is what keeps a marriage going and being able to connect around the very one who brought you together is crucial for the marriage. Here are four ways to stay spiritually connected together.

  1. Establish a time for prayer, worship, and the word on a weekly basis. You may not be able to do this together daily, but try to carve out one day a week where both of you are studying the word together and enjoying the presence of the Lord together.
  2. Create an atmosphere of presence in your home. While you may not able to sit down and pray together every day, make sure to have pictures and photos that point to Jesus, release worship in the house, have conversations that center around Jesus etc.
  3.  Work together on buiding something together for the Lord. Work on Spiritual projects together, serve on the same team at church, plan a ministry event together.
  4. Cultivate yourselves spiritually and also enjoy physical intimacy in a new place. Attend retreats and conferences together and take some time away just you two.

With everything, it is important to be intentional, as long as you are aware that this is important for any marriage to be strong you will take the time out to make spiritual connection a priority.

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Marriage

3 Effective Ways to Build a Bridge of Trust In Marriage

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

In marriage, I have learned that trust is the lifeblood of the covenant shared between couples. It takes a daily effort of honoring your covenant to continually build trust for growth in your marriage. I have learned being married for eight years to a wonderful husband that spouses must be willing to step outside of their comfort zones to be salt and light, as bridge builders in relationships (Matthew 5:13-16).
Bridges are very important structures that are designed to connect things together such as land, roads, bodies of water, and passageways for people. The same is true in marriage, when bridges of trust are built with care, couples strengthen their love, trust, faith, and connection to Christ and to one another in their marriage. Every couple can build a bridge of trust in their marriage by using these three key principles that I have learned on my marital journey:

  1. Live a life of love and honor.  As Romans 12:10 says, “love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Couples are at their best as bridge builders when they model Christ’s love that influences their marriage. It is from this love, that trust and honor is established.  By spreading the synergies of love and honor, trust supports the bond, which makes your relationship stronger. When modeling Christ’s love, holding your spouse in high esteem will be seen and felt in your marriage. When we display love and honor, our marriages can become opportunities for evangelism and ministry to show unbelievers a true example of godly marriage.
  1. Be a person of integrity. Being integral goes a long way in marriage! In today’s world, it is so easy to lose focus of what is most important to marriage. So many couples sabotage their marriages by operating from the premise of doing what feels right to them, without considering godly morals and principles to strengthen their marriage. Hebrews 13:4 unpacks the importance of honor and integrity, saying “give honor to marriage and remain faithful to one another in marriage.” God showed me that as my husband’s wife and helpmate, I deepen our marital bond by honoring our marital vows and promises. I have learned that this speaks volumes to your spouse, from the demonstration of your faith and virtues of respect, selflessness, fairness, kindness, and honesty.
  1. Create openness. Sometimes couples think that opening up can be risky, but this is further from the truth. Building a bridge of trust requires openness because it develops humility and an earnest drive to build an honest connection with your spouse. As we openly live out Christlike values in marriage, God promises to lead us in what is right and teach us His way (Psalm 25:9). The growth from openness will be loving communication, helping spouses to trust, appreciate one another, and affirm each other’s importance in marriage.

Building a bridge of trust and integrity in marriages is crucial. God designed marriage for couples to be authentic, committed to becoming more like Him and glorifying Him in every part of marriage. As bridge builders in marriage, making the commitment for trust and integrity as a daily priority will cause your marriage to thrive and experience an overflow of God’s joy and love continually.

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Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Home

2 Ways To Be Content With Your Mate

Flirting young African American woman pursing her lips for a kiss and caressing the face of a handsome man in glasses as they enjoy a date together

with Culus Williams
We live in a time when people desire microwave results in every situation even in our courting season. We have little, to no patience and we are anxious for everything.
When God blesses us with a mate we want instant perfection and totally forget that we ourselves aren’t perfect beings. When conflict arises in our courting season, we are ready to the throw in the towel and walk away. Wait a second! Did you forget that Jesus tells us in John 16:33 that in this world you will have trouble?! Yes, even in your dating season you will have trouble that arises.
It’s hard to be content with what you have when trouble is boiling in the pot. There are a couple of ways that I use to remain content in the midst of trouble.

  1. Pray about it

When conflict arises in your relationship pray to the Lord to help you resolve the issue. Often when conflict arises we try to resolve it ourselves and continue to add fuel to the fire. Go to God and seek his understanding on how to handle the situation. Pray about everything and be anxious for nothing. When we are anxious for instant conflict resolution we often miss the lesson that God is trying to teach us. Sometimes we need to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way which is God’s way.
 

  1. Remember the time

Sometimes we get upset with our mates about something that they have said or done. We are tired of discussing the issue with them and feel that it’s easier to leave and not deal with it. Michael Jackson has a song titled, “Remember the Time” Do you remember when you first fell in love with your boo? Do you remember when you first met? Do you remember the times they made you laugh or brightened up your day? Take time to reflect on the good times, instead of the right now situation.
Paul tells us in Philippians 4:12-13 that he knows what it is to stand in need and to have plenty. He learned the secret of being content in every situation. I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. Yes, the secret is out of the bag, we have to be content in Christ Jesus. Knowing that no matter what we are facing that Jesus is our strength and we will make it through the situation.
You may be standing in need of peace in your relationship but know that if you look to Jesus that he will give you peace in the midst of the storm. Reflect on when your relationship was full of laughter, joy and peace and know that the sun will shine again. Be content with what God has given you and be willing to put in the work to make it last forever.
 
 
 

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Communication Home Marriage

Remember Who Your Real Enemy Is

Serious couple talking in home interior. Focus on woman
I can’t tell you how many times these simple words have prevented my wife and I from getting into huge fights. This phrase is derived from the “Hunger Games” movie series, which my wife and I are huge fans! Without going into too many details, (in case some of you may not have watched the movies yet), I want to share a profound thought that I believe will truly bless you as you are solidifying the foundation of who you will be as a spouse. Whether you are single, engaged, or newly wed, this idea can transform the whole way you view disagreements with your significant other.
The point of the games is to kill all of the other participants without getting killed by the dangerous environment that surrounds you and just before beginning her second round in the Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen, main character of the story, gets a bit of sound advice from her coach. He tells her, “remember who your real enemy is“. Her coach was communicating to her that no matter how great the opposition may feel at times while in that arena, her real enemy was the reason they were all in there fighting to the death in the first place. They go on to form an intricate plan on how to be successful by coming together and using each of their strengths to defeat the game-makers once and for all.
It doesn’t take very long before plans begin to change, obstacles begin to present themselves from all angles, and the team is in for the fight of their lives. Now, faced with the decision of her life, Katniss  has to decide between following her instincts and eliminating all opposition or trusting the plan and following through with her teammates. And just before she is about to send an arrow through the heart of one of her teammates, he yells to her, “REMEMBER WHO THE REAL ENEMY IS!” It is at that moment that she stops, contemplates for a while, and then carries out the plan, trusting her teammates, temporarily defeating the enemy.
This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks when I first heard it. We all have a real enemy and the Bible teaches us that he’s on the prowl looking for any crack in the foundations of our marriage so that he can slip in and tear us apart. Now, every time we begin to have a disagreement, no matter how large things may flare up in the moment, like Katniss, I stop, think before I speak, and remind my self to “Remember who your real enemy is”.
At no point is my lovely bride ever my enemy! Even when the devil tries to twist her words and use our insecurities to drive a wedge between us, she is my life mate and I’m committed to loving her and living our forever together. It doesn’t keep us from having disagreements, but it does keep us from getting distracted by the enemy’s attacks and attempts to force us to turn on one another.
These words have forever changed the way my wife and I have disagreements and I truly believe whether you’re married or plan to get married someday, keeping this simple yet profound statement in your utility tool belt will help you kick the voice of satan to the curb for good by identifying him as the real enemy.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

Five Common Challenges of Young Marrieds

Whether you’ve been married five years or five minutes, maybe you’ve been noticing a few changes in your new life. Like how you don’t know how you feel about animated movies anymore (I still remember my wife’s face when I wanted to rent Despicable Me. Before we had kids.), or what kind of music “married folks” are supposed to like. I get it, and so do many, many, others.

Young married couples commonly feel like the “odd ones out.” It can sometimes feel like awkward adolescence all over again. Here are five common challenges of young marrieds. See how many you can relate to.

1. Friendships are very different. If you’re recently married and your best friends aren’t yet, there’s a definite change in your interactions. By no fault of their own, they’re not in your world yet. They don’t have to make decisions that will affect their families in the capacity that you do. You may remain extremely close, but there’s no denying that there’s another best friend in your life: your spouse. For this very reason, new marrieds are often extremely hungry to find couple friends. It’s not easy, but they’re out there. Put yourselves out there and amazing friendships are waiting for you and your spouse.

2. You have a hard time knowing where you fit within society. I can remember feeling extremely out of place when we first got married. Do I go to the men’s class or do we go to the young adults class? Do we eat with the young people or the “adults” during Thanksgiving dinner? As a young, inexperienced, fresh-faced husband, I didn’t quite feel like a man, yet I was no longer a boy. Accept that you’re adults now. Glean from other older married couples. Be patient with the transition.

3. You still miss your mama—a lot. The truth is, you probably miss everything about your childhood. It’s pretty normal to actually feel homesick as a newlywed couple. Give yourself time. You’re building a brand new family with a brand new flavor and a brand new culture. The good news is that you get to create the new culture of your brand new family! So whether your childhood was good or bad, you and your spouse get to start something fresh.

4. Sometimes you feel like you’re making it up as you go. The books and premarital counseling really helped, but this is no dress rehearsal, this is it! You’re on! Your wife cries, guess who has to be her support? You! Your husband feels like a failure. Who has to be the one to build him up? You guessed it: you. And that can be scary, can’t it? I don’t know anyone who begins marriage as an expert. Marriage is a journey. Why do you think thousands upon thousands of books have been written about marriage? Because marriage is a massive mountain that has taken many couples many, many years to scale. Keep your foundation on Christ, with a devotion to one another and you will see the fog begin to clear in your marriage journey.

5. You’re actually pretty scared. The future is so uncertain and many young couples don’t commit to marriage because of the fear of the unknown.  Like Joyce Meyer says, “Do it afraid.” Marriage is a very courageous endeavor. You know why? Because you’re loving In the dark. There’s no illuminated pathway. Your journey will be different than others. You’ll have challenges unique to your marriage, but remember: He has overcome the world. Love one another. Go all in. You’re writing a beautiful story together.

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Communication Marriage Parenting

4 Things to Teach Your Kids About Marriage

My five-year-old daughter is becoming an expert on all things related to womanhood. With my wife pregnant with our third child, Evy packs her shirt with clothes to be like her pregnant Mama. She also tenderly rocks her doll to sleep and speaks sweetly to the doll when it’s “awake.”
She dreams about her future marriage, talking about her wedding day and the man she wants to marry. She fantasizes about getting dressed up in her beautiful white wedding dress and wearing lipstick and earrings and dancing with her future husband. That’s when beads of sweat form on my forehead and I begin think: Who is this man going to be?
 
My ever-present prayer as I watch my daughter dream about her future is “Lord, help me set the standards for my children’s marriages.” As I fall on my face before the ultimate Father, I ask myself four questions that enable me to calibrate how to help my children have tangibly realistic and Godly standards when it comes to shaping their expectations.
 

1. Am I Showing My Kids How A Man Treats a Woman?

With a highly-impressionable three-year old son in the house, the way that he sees me treat his mom is going to shape his interactions with females. If he sees me covering and honoring my wife, and loving her with a pure and selfless love, then I can raise a son that Godly women ask God for. I want to set the standard for my daughter by causing her to mold her standards of a good man by how she sees me treat her mom. Our society has more than enough examples of men-gone-wrong. Do I esteem and cover my wife with the sacrificial love that Christ offers His Bride, laying a foundation for my children to build upon in their own future marriages?
 

2. Are We Demonstrating the Joy of Marriage?

I preach about marriage a lot, but to say that I enjoy my marriage almost seems redundant. But it’s true. There are scores of Christians who believe in the sanctity of marriage, and yet are miserable in their own marriages. But, our marriage brings us joy, and we long to express this joy to our kids. On date nights, we put on nice clothes and can’t contain our excitement. The kids sense our energy as we prepare to spend time together. They smile as we hug and laugh throughout the week. Are we able to continually live out that joy, even in the course of our day-to-day?
 

3. Does My Marriage Create Stability in Our Family?

On Friday afternoons when I come home from work, my daughter scurries up to me and screams, “Daddy! We’re going to be a family this weekend!” This is because my wife excitedly tells our kids on Fridays that Daddy won’t have to work on the upcoming weekend, which means we get to do things together. The litmus test that our families are stable is that our kids enjoy family time. To our little girl, our family isn’t complete when we’re not all together.
 

4. Are We Proving to Our Kids That Marriage God’s Way Works?

My wife and I just celebrated our tenth anniversary. I had planned a weekend getaway for my wife and me, but it dawned on me that anniversaries are also a family event. I brought home a cake for all of us to enjoy and explained to our kids that an anniversary is like a “family birthday,” celebrating the birth of our family together. We want our kids to see that the joy and fullness of our marriage is a result of God’s hand in our marriage and it works!
 
Marriage is an heirloom that we are constantly preparing to hand on to the next generation. The world won’t teach your children about marriage God’s way. What are you teaching your children about marriage?

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Single

10 Qualities of a Man Ready for Marriage

I started thinking about my unmarried or newly married friends and their dating/courting relationships. After you have committed to someone and have dated exclusively for some time, how do you know when you are ready to take the leap of faith and get married?
Marriage is wonderful but it can come with it’s challenges so you need to be prepared emotionally, spiritually, and financially to be happy beyond the wedding day.
This post is focused on the man especially since he is the head of the relationship. I have listed 20 qualities that I believe are attributes of a man ready for marriage. I decided to break this up into two separate articles to keep this one from being a book chapter instead of a blog post. Stay tuned for Part 2 and “Qualities of a Woman ready for a Godly Marriage”.
1. Seeks God with his whole heart-
Psalm 119: 9-11
9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.
10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.
11 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
The scripture says in order to keep yourself pure, hide His word in your heart. Seeking Him with your whole heart will keep you focused on pleasing God in all that you do.
2. Attends, gives and serves at a church
As a saved young woman, I have heard this line many times, “You are a Christian (or saved), oh that’s cool, I go to church, I am a member of…” I am happy that you “go to church”, but I believe you are a true member when you have invested your time, resources and talents to this church. The church cannot run itself without it’s members.
Your local church will be blessed by your help. What areas of the church are you serving in? How can you be a blessing to your pastor and members? I have found that serving in the church keeps you grounded, accountable and you learn so much about yourself and the life of Jesus by serving His people.
3. Has godly friends- Having godly friends will also help with accountability. Having friends who are walking with Jesus that will give you godly advice and will understand your struggles, praises, and will encourage your spiritual growth. The scripture says in Proverbs 27:17 that “Iron sharpens Iron”.
4. Has a good relationship with his family- I know all families are not perfect, but is there communication and respect with and towards the family.
This is important because if there are majors signs of dysfunction in the family, this unfortunately can filter over into your marriage. You will need to have open communication about the future in-laws.
5. Prays with and encourages you to pursue God more while he is pursuing you- The man is the head of the household. He will need to treat the bride as Jesus does the church. The Lord of Lord’s desires a church without spot or blemish.
Jesus loves us with an everlasting love. A godly man will want his wife to be all that God has called her to be. A godly man will want his woman to put God first before him.
6. Has a job or career- The husband will be the provider of the family and head of the household. He will need a job or is working (in school) to obtain a career.
7. Encourages you to  pursue your passion and goals- He will not be intimidated or will not limit his woman’s God given gifts.
8. Abstains from sexual immorality and fornication-
1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
The above scriptures describes those that fall to lust as those who do not know God. God does not want you to corrupt your body with this sin. Having sex outside of marriage will bring on a slew of problems into a pure relationship.
It is created for husband and wife only to enjoy. If you are not abstaining from this, you are sinning against God and your body.
This will keep the enemy from corrupting your union before it has even started. If this has already happened in your relationship, please seek Godly counsel on how to proceed with your relationship.
This goes back to being involved in a church, having Godly friends, and being guided by your pastor. Your support system will help you as a couple get back on track.
9. Communicates with you about his past, his struggles, and future- You do not want to have any surprises before you say “I do”.
10. Enjoys spending time with you- My grandfather who had been married for almost 60 years before he passed, gave me and Joel this one piece of marriage advice, “Have fun with each other.”
You want to enjoy your time together even if you are doing something that you don’t want to do. It shows that you want to invest in getting to know your mate and showing them how much you love and appreciate them.
 

Categories
Marriage

How to Be There When Your Spouse is Grieving

On March 22nd 2015, I received a phone call from my Uncle Earl. He called to see how I was settling in to my new home in Georgia. I expressed to him how nice it was to get away from the hustle and bustle of NYC. I talked to him about his knee surgery and he told me he was doing well. Midnight of March 23rd, I received a call from my dad.
He informed me that my uncle had passed away. My heart fell to pieces. I cried into my husband’s shoulders as it all sank in. I mourned not only for my uncle, but for my cousins’ loss and my father’s loss.
 
The next few days were difficult. I was lost in a daze wondering how life and how God could be so cruel. Though my cousins are adults, I felt like they were orphaned and it wasn’t fair. I withdrew myself from my family; not for long, but I withdrew nevertheless. I tried to smile for my daughter, but the pain and confusion I felt could not be masked.
 
My husband tried his best to hold up his grieving wife, but I was so sensitive that the slightest joke made me fall apart. Instead of trying to cheer me up, he began to grieve with me.
 
I knew right away that I would be attending the funeral, even though it would have put a financial strain on us. My husband refused to let me attend alone. Though I tried to tell him that we didn’t have the money and that I would be okay, he said “I have to be there for you.”
 
In our five year relationship, we’ve experienced significant losses on his side, and I always tried to be there for him as much as possible. In fact, when he lost his grandfather, we were in the middle of a fight. I was pregnant and in the hospital with high blood pressure and contractions at 7 months and was two hours away from home. I begged him to stay with his family and not travel to see me because I was so angry with him, but in all of my anger, I tried my best to be there for him. I helped him and his cousin work on the programs and I checked on him often to make sure that he was okay.
 
Three years later, he was going to do everything in his power to be there for me. Thankfully, myself, my husband, and little girl received assistance with our tickets and were able to travel as a family. I am so glad that we did. My husband held me through it all, bonded with my family, and made it his mission to be present. That’s all I really needed.
 
Sometimes it’s difficult to understand your duty as a spouse when your husband or wife loses a loved one. How are you supposed react, especially when it isn’t someone you didn’t really know well? Just be present. Try your best to be all the support that he or she needs. Don’t argue about the little things because they don’t matter—frankly they never really matter, because as you now see, life is too short.
Your spouse may react in bizarre ways, like cry when he/she is supposed to laugh but it’s all a part of the grieving process. So, grieve with him/her. You don’t have to speak, just be there.
 
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) God has given us the ability and nature to be empathetic. Apply the innate empathy to your unconditional love for your spouse and you will be the best (earthly) remedy for your spouse’s broken heart.

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Engaged Marriage

The One Thing Your Spouse May Never Ask For, But Really Needs From You

Two weeks ago I again had the privilege of watching my husband read one of his books to a group of preschoolers. In the days leading up to the event, I honestly believe I was more excited than he was. I reminisced about the first time we met in Central Park and how timid he seemed when he presented his first book to me. Now, seven books later, and he is proudly showing the world his talent.
Watching his growth and seeing his abilities blossom is a true inspiration to me. Even when he doesn’t have confidence in himself, I have confidence in him, and he always has confidence in me.
It is your duty as a spouse to be able to love and support your significant other regardless of what happens. The fact is, when the two of you come together for one purpose, you are less likely to fail.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.”
Even if you don’t think you have anything to lend to your spouse’s gift or ministry, having a cheerleader, a counselor, and a friend is important and vital to the success of your spouse. Unfortunately, if they can’t find that in you, they may be tempted to find it in someone else. I am not saying they will cheat (emotionally or physically), but they can begin to confide and put their trust in someone else with their gift for the sake of affirmation and support.
Your spouse’s gift was given to them by God, which means that it is a part of who they are. In other words, when you married him/her, you agreed to love and cherish that gift.  Colossians 2:2 says, “I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love.” In this scripture, Paul was speaking to the church of Colosse in regards to the church of Laodicea and other believers. If it is important for the body of Christ to be knit together, how much more important is it that you are knit together in your marriage?
You need to be melded together in all aspects of your life including your hopes and dreams. Your hopes and dreams, as well as your spouse’s, speaks to the inheritance that you will leave for future generations. Don’t be responsible for the shortage of an inheritance because of your lack of encouragement.
Be the reason your spouse pushes on through all of the hurts and falls. Remember that each of us has a purpose and because you and your spouse are connected by the rib, your spouse’s purpose is also a part of your purpose. Don’t allow your negativity and lack of enthusiasm to stop you or your spouse from fulfilling their purpose.
 
 

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Engaged Home Marriage

Refusing the Generational Curse

I didn’t learn about generational curses until 5 years ago during a Deliverance service. Generational curses are negative things that follow a family for generations. It is a cycle of regrets, rejections, addictions, and pain. Though your marriage may seem perfect, there are curses that may follow you, if you allow them to.
Growing up, I was surrounded by dysfunctional relationships, including that of my parents. I saw the phony happiness as well as the blatant disrespect on both parts. How is a child ever to know what love is? In my eyes, love was not something I thought I’d ever have but I felt I needed. It scared me because I thought that if I sought love then it would hurt. And it did.
Love was treacherous for me from high school, when I first started (secretly) dating up to the time I met my husband. Even though I was not allowed to date, I snuck around and I am kind of glad that I did. I was able to get the ugly out of the way and now I have more time with the man made for me. I am not advocating pre-mature dating or disobedience. I should have listened to my mom but my stubbornness has helped as well as it has hurt me.
My generational curse was the idea that love was supposed to be “painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary,” like Olivia Pope thinks it should be (Scandal Season 2). Love is supposed be the feeling of “peace in the middle of the storm,” being empty and full at the same time, being inexplicably happy, and yes extraordinary. But that wasn’t what I saw in my household or in the generations before my parents. I had to let go of the memory of my forefathers and embrace the vision God gave me.
Before getting married, I spent time studying 1 Corinthians chapter 7, where Paul discusses sex and marriage. I struggled with fornication and I wanted things to be perfect in my relationship. I studied and studied until I started to look past the sex aspect and learned that marriage is about sacrifices; it is about the positive bondage. I didn’t realize that this type of connection or “oneness” existed because it wasn’t anything I had ever experienced or witnessed. The “bondage” puts an end to that curse because it required me to cling to my spouse. I had to shake off the old single me AND the old curses I was raised under.
When I started attending church on a regular basis, I witnessed happy marriages. Spending time around marriages that were strong, broke the curse and created a blessing. I threw away the curse of brokenness and clung to unity. I am determined to have an 80 year marriage as crazy as it may seem. I had to combat the mistrust, the desire to give up, and the painful past in order to step into my future.