I was sitting on the couch last week looking across the living room at my gorgeous wife when I realized I had gotten in a rut.
It was the boring rut.
We can get caught in a rut overnight or slide into it slowly over weeks.
Here is what is dangerous about a Boring Rut:
Your wife can be OK with it.
She can be fine with just hanging out with you. She might even say she doesn’t need adventure or something different, because she is fine just being with you.
She may also be fine sitting with you watching a boring TV show. But, why not find an exciting show to watch together?
She may also be fine going to a restaurant and eating so-so food. But, why not find a restaurant that offers deliciously satisfying food?
So, what do you do when you realize you have become lazy and are living in a boring rut? Here are 4 ways to get out of that boring rut:
1. You have to care
As a leader at work, I care that my employees are giving me 1/3 of their day. I want to maximize that time so they feel satisfied at work and are productive. Their satisfaction means something to me.
In the same way, you need to care that your wife deserves the best. You need to care that her satisfaction is a priority. If you are apathetic, you need to repent of that and ask God to give you a hunger for a life-giving marriage.
2. Tweak the daily rituals
The monotonous rituals in your marriage can become boring or they can be inspiring. Here are some ways to tweak them:
Coming home: Pull into your driveway and rev your care engine. This will work if your wife is home the same time as you. When she opens door and asks what you are doing. Tell her that your car is an extension of your love for her and the engine is an extension of your heart. As the engine revs up so your heart is reved up for her. Another way to tweak coming home is to kiss her for 10 seconds when you enter the house instead of going to the couch, checking mail, etc.
Convo’s: Go on a walk in the neighborhood compared to just sitting down in the house talking.
Date Night: Check local Facebook groups, etc to find new activities to do. Or do one thing that is different on your regular date night–something that you normally don’t do.
3. Know when you are falling back into the boring rut
If you are physically fit, you can check the scale, heart rate, etc. to know if you are staying fit. But, how do you measure if you have fallen back into the boring rut?
Here is a simple way for you to know:
Ask your wife, “On a scale of 1-10, how innovative or adventurous am I as a husband? Or ask, “I want you to be my biggest fan. What are some things I used to do in our marriage that you would really appreciate if I started doing again?”
4. Sustain the innovation in your marriage
In your work life, you probably either use Google calendar or Outlook to make your performance more productive, to not forget important meetings, and to ensure you stay on task.
You need to do the same thing with your marriage so you stay out of the boring rut.
Here are some marriage ideas to add to your calendar:
Times for you to brainstorm date ideas.
Times to randomly text your wife during the day to let her know you are thinking of her.
Time to plan your next weekend getaway.
When you need to buy a marriage book, listen to marriage podcast, etc.
Don’t allow a boredom rut to get deeper in your marriage. You are the innovator of your marriage. You are the creative architect of your marriage. Ask God to give you the passion to keep your marriage fresh.
Question: What have you done recently to keep your marriage out of the boredom rut?
Tag: intentional
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The Problem with Dating
Dating is a selection process, to determine whether a person is the right one through compatibility and ‘feel good’ approaches. Courting is a Choosing God’s Best or God’s Word-based selection process- to which you measure the person based on Christ-likeness and suitability.
The problem with dating is that dating (if done without any intention of commitment) is a practice for divorce. For instance, when you or those close to you figure that there is something you don’t like about a person, you’re out- leaving the other person feeling abandoned in thier feelings. Dating gives you the freedom to be more judgmental and critical of the other person. In courtship you focus on yourself and (getting the ‘speck out of your eye’) prepare yourself for the other person- regardless of their flaws and imperfections.
You date often with your guard up, and having many dating partners can take away from you’re “stick-to-it-ness” or your desire to be committed to anyone. Whenever commitment is brought up in a dating relationship- the decision making process to commit to them on greater levels comes with confusion, maybe even contention, as you try to figure out the real reason why you’re in the relationship to begin with.
Courting allows you to hear from God early on and get confirmation that will cause you to develop in your loyalty to them as time goes on. In dating, you can tend to hold the other person at gunpoint- or have an imaginary rubric that you’re grading them on- which in most cases is unfair the other person is revealing their true self (flaws and all). In courtship you shouldn’t have to prove or put pressure on yourself to be a specific person.
In courtship- Be yourself! Courtship is when you allow yourself and the other person to be who they are- and you allow God’s word concerning husband and wife to guide you in the match-making process. This process helps you work on forgiveness, transparency, reconciliation; and if there is a rupture in the relationship, restoration is another process. Dating teaches breaking up as a means to resolve issues. Courtship teaches making up, restoration, reconciliation, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
Courtship prepares you to be a gift to the other person, and even with ths other person’s flaws and all, you allow God to present that person to you as a gift. For two are better than one. How great is it to have another person in your life who prays for you on the companionship level- and their committed.
Courtship brings about transparency. Dating protects only you and not the other person. Courtship is when you both fight together. Dating brings about hidden agendas, secrets, and unfair expectations on the other person through veiled emotions.
In the back of a dating person’s mind is the question: “Can I really be loyal to this person?” In courtship, you answer that question early on with the help of the Holy Spirit, and you understand that I can be loyal to the person with God’s help (to which there is nothing that can separate us except God’s revelation to the both of us).
However the problem exists when two people are in a relationship, but one person is dating (them in their mind) and the other is courting (the other person in their mind). In that situation, there is no mutual agreement (Amos 3:3). This means you two need to start talking, reasoning, and consider what is before you. If not, in this scenario, there will be a clash of intention, will, and desire. This could lead to one person being covenant minded, and the other person convenience minded moving forward.
There needs to be an understanding, that if Christ is in this relationship then we must acknowledge Him first, and He will direct your paths. Prayer, fasting, and studying the Word together will allow you to grow together in the Vision of God for your lives. Do not allow the enemy to divide you amongst wills, but get on the same page through commitment, loyalty, and purity first.
M&Y Guest Writer: Brian K.Cunningham is a highly sought after motivational speaker, life coach. An ordained minister and author of 7 books ranging from self-help to fiction, Brian is a proven leader amongst his peers. Brian has a B.S. in Psychology, M.A. in Teaching, and a Doctorate in Christian Education & Counseling. Brian is a Board certified Pastoral Counselor and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Brian is available for conferences, retreats, Christian counseling and small group sessions. Brian’s ministry specializes in deliverance, healing, restoration, reconciliation, faith, stewardship, all in the name of Christian education and counseling.
In order to have a purpose Driven Marriage, you must operate in the:
The power of Agreement
Amos 3:3 states clearly, “How can two people walk together unless they can agree…?” As couple, we must work out every issue with agreement in mind. Two people must be courageous enough to see eye to eye or else they’ll be going ‘eye for an eye’.
A couples’ maturity depends on their mutual understanding of the purpose for their relationship. Whenever one or both people don’t understand the purpose of dating, courting, or marriage then abuse is inevitable. This means that you will destroy a relationship, if there is no purpose or mutual end goal. I’ve set in my heart that dating is for marriage.
Courtship is to discover yourself and the other person in relationship to you being “God’s Best” for them in the aspect of service, sacrifice, and suitability. Marriage is when you bring all that you are into a loving, committed, and Holy union. Therefore, there has to be some strict agreements. Before you marry a person, check their commitment history. Do they break commitments often? Do they have a shaky relationship history when it comes to keeping their word? Marriage is not a contract but marriage is Covenant. Contracts can be broken, but covenant commitments are purposed last a lifetime.
The power of Emergence
A sense of urgency is so important for couples to make it last. Acts 2:45 expresses that the early church sold their possessions and lived as though Christ were coming back soon. Well, in a covenant relationship, there should be an urgency of care, concern, and compassion for one another. This means that a couple should be willing to drop any and everything and consider their marriage as priority.
This means that they should learn the principle of: Stop, Serve, and Sacrifce. Yes, both individuals in a courtship or marriage relationship need to know when to slow down. take time out to serve one another and sacrificially sow value into their relationship so that it can produce good fruit.
The Power of Reciprocity
To be on one accord, means that a couple must learn to build upon a healthy foundation of positive: feedback, counsel, and resolution. In other words, a couple should always be talking about the issues that matter to them the most without allowing themselves to hoard or harbor insecurities. There needs to be a healthy dialogue regarding their husband and wife roles and a consistent vision or goal setting session to help them hold each other accountable. Yes, the marriage and family should operate like a small business with unconditional love as the dynamic that holds everything together.
M&Y Guest Writer: Brian K.Cunningham is a highly sought after motivational speaker, life coach. An ordained minister and author of 7 books ranging from self-help to fiction, Brian is a proven leader amongst his peers. Brian has a B.S. in Psychology, M.A. in Teaching, and a Doctorate in Christian Education & Counseling. Brian is a Board certified Pastoral Counselor and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Brian is available for conferences, retreats, Christian counseling and small group sessions. Brian’s ministry specializes in deliverance, healing, restoration, reconciliation, faith, stewardship, all in the name of Christian education and counseling.