Tag: relationship-killer

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Dating/Courting Home Single

2 Ways God Will Reveal Your Spouse to You

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

I can remember my single years like it was yesterday and how I continuously asked God how He was going to reveal my spouse to me. Would a light come out of the sky? Would she glow like an angel? Would I hear trumpets play when our eyes caught each other?
 
There are no two stories that are the same, but there are two things we can learn from the marriage of Adam and Eve that help us to see both how and when God will reveal your spouse to you.
 
1. God Will Reveal Your Spouse in the Right Season.
We see with Adam and Eve that Adam was living his life in complete purpose before God decided it was time for him to have a helpmate that was suitable to help him for the next phase of fulfilling his destiny.
Adam was right where God wanted him and doing exactly what He called him to do, and that my friend is one of the biggest keys to God revealing to you your spouse.
You must be in the right season of your life before God will reveal your spouse. God’s ways are so much higher than our ways, and He knows exactly what He is doing.
What does it look like to be in the right season? A season that God’s peace will be able to be released into the relationship. What does a wrong season look like? Maybe you’re still getting over another relationship, or you may have a lot of unhealthy opposite sex friendships that are preventing you from recognizing the one because your attention is focused in  other places.
This is all pivotal for being in the right season where your heart is fixed on God and his purpose for your life.
2. God Will Reveal Your Spouse In the Right Environment.
The next key thing we see with Adam and Eve is that Adam was in the right environment that was conducive for his development, growth, and fulfillment of purpose.
Now, how does that transfer into today’s World since we no longer have a Garden of Eden to live in.
Finding yourself in the right environment today means being around the right people and spending time in the right places. Why is this important? Because God requires in 2 Corinthians 6:14 that we be equally yoked with in our relationships. By putting ourselves in the right environments, its most likely we will meet someone who also is spending their time with the right people and in the right places.
These are two key in positioning yourself to be in a place where God can reveal your spouse. When you take the time to be faithful in the season that you’re in and also be sure to center yourself with the right people in the right places, then you are setting yourself up for a successful revealing of your spouse
 
 

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Dating/Courting Home

Dating For Two Years And Still No Ring

I’ve been dating this amazing man for two years, but have known him for a total of 8 years. As we recently approached our second year anniversary…can I be honest…disappointment greeted me.
Every time I log onto facebook someone else is getting married, someone else is having a baby or someone else is engaged. None of those someone’s were me.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when you have a desire to be married and you believe you’ve found the one you wish to spend your life with.
BUT WHAT THE HECK IS TAKING SO LONG?
I know I’m not the only girl who has felt this way.
Out of anxiety and frustration I began to pray. The Lord reminded me when I surrendered my life to him, which includes marriage.
Psalm 139:16 reads “You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” In prayer I was reminded that every day of my life has been recorded in God’s book… EVEN MY WEDDING DAY!
I’m reminded that I can’t compare my love story to that of others because we are two totally different books. For some, marriage happens on page 30 and others 250.

The point is, I’m not in control of my love story…GOD is!

Although there’s a great desire to be married, there’s a burning desire to stay in God’s will! It’s in his will that I am perfectly safe!
After coming to this realization, I’ve made a conscious effort to remain on the page God has placed me on.
I believe there are great lessons, memories and fun to be had on this on this page of my love story. I wouldn’t dare insult God’s artistic ability by racing past the pages that don’t cater to my desires.
Be as encouraged as I was to live in the moment! Enjoy where God has positioned you in this moment!
I’m comforted by the fact that God has answered my prayers in the past and this time will be no different; like all the other answered prayers, God moves according to his timing. Don’t be anxious, it wont make God move any faster…it’ll only rob you of precious moments on this page.
Be encouraged,
Shannon C Colar
Lovebyencouragement.com

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage

7 Things to Consider When Dating/ Marrying Outside Your Culture

Culture, as defined by the dictionary, is the beliefs, customs, behaviors, traditions and arts of a particular society, group, place, or time. My intention in this article is to discuss some things to be aware of when you date or marry someone from a different society, race or group. A person’s culture begins in their immediate family, and is then enforced by society and shaped by their environment. Even if you and your significant other are  from the same society, you will experience differences.
However, when you come from different ethnic backgrounds there are several things that you may want to keep in mind:
 
1. Your idea of love and expectations in marriage will be different based on the culture- take time to learn your spouse’s expectations and experiences about  love, marriage and family so you guys can be on the same page. Expressions and expectations will vary depending on the culture.
 
2. Culture impacts how and when you communicate- Take the time to learn certain phrases, meanings and how communication in marriage and family flows in your spouse’s culture. One culture maybe quite, but that does not mean they are timid. Another can be loud, but it does not mean they are angry. Learn how your future spouse views communication. Some may talk through things while others may not. It is important to learn this so that you guys do not spend time fighting over things you can easily work out.
 
3. Learn the traditions and celebrations that are important- Different cultures put more emphasis on certain things than others; meet in the middle and choose which ones you will celebrate. I think one thing I learned from my marriage is being someone who strongly relates to the American culture, although I’m an African, I tend to celebrate everything with gifts. Where as my husband’s culture, mainly African, tends to primarily celebrate weddings, births, and deaths. My husband had to learn how to adjust to the many wonderful celebrations we Americans have.
 
4. Discuss the role of extended family involvement in the marriage- Certain cultures view extended family as the nuclear family; they expect couples to move in parents or send money back home at certain times in their marriage. Discuss this with your spouse and set a clear plan on how you will deal with extended family.
 
5. Roles in marriage may vary depending on the culture each person is from- Each society has differing ideas about marriage and about the role of each spouse. Take time to get to know your future spouse’s understanding of marriage and their expectation of you as their spouse.
 
6. Remember certain traditional roles may not be biblical– With the push of family it can be hard to put down your feet about certain things you and your spouse will continue in your marriage. While some things may be cultural,  they may not align with your biblical values. Make sure that as a married couple you guys create a culture based on your beliefs, and not just your traditions.
 
7. You have to create a culture of heaven in your marriage- While our cultures, traditions and experiences make up our human experience, it is really important that our goal in our marriage, whether from the same culture or different cultures, is to emulate heaven in our marriage. When we understand the culture of heaven, it will be easier to learn how to create that same culutre in our homes.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Reconcile Your Past Relationships to Gain Access to Your Future

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As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
 
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
 
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
 
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
 
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19).  Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
 
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and  to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage

3 Biblical Truths about Submitting to Your Husband

1) Submission is about alignment
Every single time I have failed to submit to my husband, my plans have backfired. If I’m ever stubborn, or if I trust my own leadership, there are negative consequences. These are not always immediate consequences, but they’re consequences often times seen months later than the decision. This happens both naturally and supernaturally.
I have a small-scale example of this. Throughout our marriage, all 8 months of it, my husband has been asking me to wear a head scarf to bed. He’s asked this of me because it keeps my hair out of his face. I would never do it because I was too lazy to get out of bed, find the scarf and wrap my hair. I never would have imagined something so small making much of a difference in my life.
Lately, although, I’ve begun wearing the head scarf to bed. What have I found? Instead of having stubborn alfalfa hairs that stick up no matter what amount of heat or large helping of product can fix, and instead of taking 15 minutes on my hair in the morning, my hair takes 5 minutes, tops. My hair lays flat and is easily manageable.
My head scarf experience is also very symbolic of the scripture:

1 Corinthians 11:3-5 The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. A man dishonors his head if he covers his head while praying or prophesying. But a woman dishonors her head if she prays or prophesies without a covering on her head, for this is the same as shaving her head. Yes, if she refuses to wear a head covering, she should cut off all her hair! 

In our culture, we do not wear head coverings. Women’s wearing of head coverings was once a cultural religious practice that is symbolic of women’s submission to their husbands. But when I put my head scarf on at night, I put the symbolism into practice. I think of the act as saying to my husband: “I trust your leadership and I care about how well you sleep. I trust that even when I take and extra step to serve you, blessing is coming. I’m submitted to you.”
Now this is a very natural example. Other spiritual examples are too personal to share, but I’ve learned time and time again that blessings come, naturally and supernaturally, when a wife is in alignment with her husband, and her husband is in alignment with Christ.
2) Submission is for your protection
Women were designed physically weaker than men. We don’t have huge biceps, we’re often shorter and smaller in stature. Women were also designed emotionally weaker than men. Women are more prone to cry. They’re typically more sensitive. They can become hormonal around menstruation and during pregnancy.  Men are called to spiritual leadership because God has created women to be more fragile. God has created women to be protected.

1 Peter 3:7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Women are the weaker vessel. We are certainly equal. We are certainly powerful. We are certainly strong. But we are more at risk for attack while not submitted to our husbands. Satan will prey on the weak link in order to derail a marriage. He will most often not try to attack the head of a marriage first, which is the husband, but he will often take jabs at the woman to get to the man, in order to destroy the marriage.
This is why submission is so important. Submission gives your husband an opportunity to spiritually protect you. Satan can obliterate the spiritual life of a wife who stands independent of her husband’s leadership, because her stubbornness gives him an opportunity to attack while she remains uncovered by the protection of her husband. When a wife is submitted to her husband, Satan has to go through the husband to get to the wife. When a husband is submitted to Christ, Satan has to go through Christ to get to the husband to get to the wife. Submission ultimately protects you.
3) Submission is a display of power
Unity ultimately brings marriage its power. When the husband is in submission to Christ and the wife is submitted to the husband, a three-strand cord is created.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Wives, you have less power alone than you have with your husband and Christ. Submission ultimately strengthens the spiritual power that a marriage holds through unity. If you only remember one thing from this article remember this: Divided we fall, united we stand.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

Set the Foundation for Love with Honesty

My husband and I met in person at Central Park. Our business conversation quickly turned into a conversation about everything else. As he walked me to the train (after his attempt to kiss me) he stared at every movement my large lips made. I kindly asked him not to do that because it made me uncomfortable as most full-liped ladies would know. Now that I think back to that encounter, I wonder if he was looking at my lips or mesmerized by the things I said to him.
As I said in a previous article, he told me he loved me just days after meeting me. Thinking back now, I know that we were at the most vulnerable points in our lives and were able to be honest. Honesty is most important when trying to develop a relationship with someone. It is even more important than having things in common and spending quality time. It’s definitely more important than playing the so-called game of “trapping the man.”
We’ve all done it: try to find ways to get him to put a ring on it. But it is impossible to make him want you if you aren’t being yourself. The best way to show him who you really are is by the words you use. Don’t be afraid to voice what you are looking for in a relationship. You don’t want to run him off with your long list of demands but be candid about the type of relationship that you want. Make sure that you are clear that you want a monogamous relationship that can possibly lead to marriage. Why waste time? In the past, I’ve told guys that I just want to keep it casual when I really wanted to say, “I want to have your babies.” Although, God allowed me to be fearless enough to say that to my husband on our first date, I could have kept that to myself. The thing that I did let him know, which was the right thing to do was that I was tired of mindlessly dating. Yes, I was young (20) but I was tired of having a broken heart. I made sure to let God know and let him know.
I was honest but I wasn’t demanding—not at first anyway. I simply explained to the man I knew I wanted to marry, that I don’t casually date and that I hoped that the next man I was monogamous with was going to be the last person that I was with. I assured him that I was not pressuring him into anything but I wanted to be open with him. I didn’t want to date him under false pretenses and I didn’t want him to do that to me either. He appreciated my honesty and felt like he could be honest as well. It turned out that he was tired of just dating too. He was actually considering marrying someone else if he didn’t meet the right one by age 30. He appreciated that he met me before he made the mistake of marrying the wrong one.
Though it may be early in a relationship consider that the early days are your building days. These are the days that you are constructing the foundation for a long-lasting love. Love can only exist in an honest place. Its foundations must be biblical in order to thrive. “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” (Proverbs 18:21) You have the power to speak life into your relationship by being honest so be mindful of the words that you speak to your potential spouse. Also, be careful not to be demanding; that is a good way to run him off. Don’t think that as soon as you talk about your intentions for your future that you should start planning your wedding. “4Love is patient and kind…6 It does not demand its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6) It just means that you’re not wasting anymore time in relationships that aren’t going in the right direction.

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Dating/Courting Home Marriage

Let Your Husband Find You: Part 1

It was four years ago when I expressed to my pastor that I was in love and we were going to be married. He insisted that my husband-to-be only told me those words to sleep with me. It was at that point that I knew I didn’t have a counselor. I felt alone. How dare he try to take away my blessing? That day I walked away feeling like I was in a fight for my life. I knew that his feelings were that of many people who could not understand finding happiness in just 6 months.
A year and a half before meeting the love of my life, I sat in a bath tub with tears flowing down my face. I was suffering from a broken heart. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me again and this time got a girl pregnant. I felt like dying. Was he the best that I could do?
As I cried, I recalled a sermon that I heard just a few weeks before. He met a young woman who was desperate for a husband. He explained to her that her husband will find her.
“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” Psalm 18:22
As women, we cannot force relationships because its not our calling to. God created man FIRST meaning it is his duty to initiate the relationship. When he finds his wife he finds a good thing because he has found the missing part of HIM.
The pastor then instructed her to make a list of all of the qualities she desired in a husband and said that in a year, she will be married. The word of God says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7 It is when we ask, and have faith that God will answer us. We may not receive what we want exactly when we want it but in His time we will receive our answer and possibly our husband.
The young lady didn’t believe the pastor but by the next year not only was she married, she had a child.
God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. It is not up to us or anyone else to tell us what our calling or a blessings are. When we make the conscious decision to talk to God about our future, we are relinquishing the right to take control. “Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” (Psalm 55:22). If we put our total trust in Him, He will not steer us wrong, whether it be in relationships or life in general.
Following the pastor’s advice, I was able to marry the man that I requested. I rebuked every negative person that tried to advise me against following God’s word for my life including my pastor. We cannot let anyone stop us from obtaining what is rightfully ours.

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Dating/Courting Home

Date Me, Don't Use Me

Have you ever been in a relationship that you were skeptical about? It only seemed that the person you were dating reached out to you when it was convenient? I can remember the first time I was cheated on. I was so excited that I had just got into a relationship with a young lady who seemed PERFECT!
I was showing a picture of her to a friend who instantly recognized the young lady as his cousin’s girlfriend. Although embarrassed, I played it off like it did not faze me. As you can imagine, I confronted her about it and made the decision to end that situation all together. I figured, we are not married and neither can I see myself planning a future with someone who starts out untrustworthy.
But what about those who stay?
I used to believe that it was common sense for couples who weren’t in covenant relationship to leave the cheater, but more and more I have found that people will stay for reasons that aren’t even worth it. You may have heard some of the excuses, “We look good together though”, “As long as they are here at night”, or the infamous “It’s cool, because I have my own side pieces too!”
While this may seem comical, most of you who are reading this know it to be more than true! In an instance like this, I am always reminded that not everyone understand their worth. Not the cheater or the one being cheated on!
A cheater goes to and from seeking to fill their voids. You can find a cheater getting dressed up and smelling good just to catch whatever would get caught on the hook they reel out. The mistake that the cheater make is not filling their voids with the right stuff, and by neglecting to do so, continues to worsen their predicament.
If my car warns me to refuel, and I fill the tank up with water, if it doesn’t break down first it will completely shut down on me eventually. If the cheater does not seek God to teach them real love and relationship, they will continue to slay the destinies of those they trample over. I am reminded of the scripture in Proverbs 25:28 as the message bible captures the essence of the verse, “A person without self-control is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out.”
In other words, anything and everybody can come in and out as they please because you don’t have the right stuff protecting you from the elements! In relationships, the other person treats you how you treat yourself!
If you know your worth and value, both men and women, then you have given the person you date some standards to reach.  I know you would probably agree with me, that I don’t want to be my mate’s number one; I want to be her ONLY one!
If you are the cheater, be real with God and tell Him that you struggle but want to be free. God will come in and begin to transition you from whom you used to be into who you were called to be. If you are being cheated on, let God know how bad it hurts.
Tell Him that you need help getting rid of the soul tides you’ve developed and that you want God to validate you and not the one that you are dating. For the both of you, pray and ask God to fill every void in EVERY area, because you can’t afford to make a decision one day to spend the rest of your life EMPTY with the wrong person!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Uncategorized

The Rules of War: Five Ways of Fighting Fair

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Dating/Courting Home

Why Every Single Person Better Know the Power Between Being Compatible Versus Being Suitable

The first account of marriage in the bible is found with Adam and Eve in Genesis 2:18. The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper SUITABLE for him.” (Emphasis mine)
God determined it was not good for man to be alone, so He created a woman who was just right for him. Now, in today’s culture we have become much more accustomed to compatibility versus suitability.
Let’s compare the two.
Compatible: able to exist or occur together without conflict.
Suitable: right or appropriate for a particular person, purpose, or situation.
Do you see why our generation has settled for a compatible person versus a suitable person? It is with a compatible person you focus more on external similarities such as: hobbies, friends, and interests.
Just because you both can laugh together over a movie and play basketball against one another does not make them a suitable spouse for you.
Suitability is the biblical term used in Genesis to describe the type of mate God created for Adam. A person who is suitable for you goes beyond similar interests, but more into the purpose of God for that person’s life. I agreed to not be in any relationship until after I graduated high school, which I successfully completed.
I did not enter into my first committed relationship until my second year of college. She was a great girl who loved God, and had a true desire for ministry. Everything made sense in my mind because we were very compatible and all of my friends were in complete support of it. It started out as a friendship, and eventually developed into more.
I would spend hours with God begging Him to tell me if she was the one.
I began to ride on the roller coaster of emotions rather than being patient to get a peace from God. One day while being on an emotional high, it resulted in me asking her into a committed relationship. From the first day I knew I had made a mistake.
Because I did not want to look bad in front of my friends, and also hurt her, I continued in the relationship believing I would eventually fall for her. That relationship lasted six months which it was a constant up and down roller-coaster for me going back and forth whether she was my wife or not.
One day I had a talk with a friend of mine that had been in a similar situation in a previous relationship. He said to me, “Jamal, God is too good to give you something you don’t desire.” I took that phrase to God, and asked Him, if it was true. For the first time in those six months I was honest with myself about how I really felt. I ended the relationship and fortunately we stayed pure during our time together.
There had been no physical tie, but an emotional tie did develop because of the seriousness of the relationship. She was a great friend and we were very much compatible, but we were not suitable. When a person suits your life there will be a peace because it means God has blessed the now, and the later.
The freedom that came over me after I ended the relationship was unexplainable in words. I knew I had put my life back into God hands, and I did not want to make the mistake of depending on myself ever again.
This is why it is imperative for you, as a believer, to pursue someone who is not only a believer, but also as spiritually mature as you. To determine suitability you must have the involvement of God in the relationship. A person who is suitable for you will be beneficial and necessary for God’s plan for your life.
 
This is an excerpt from my book, 25 Ways to Prepare for Marriage Other than Dating which is an Amazon Best Seller selling thousands of copies in a matter of weeks. This book will BLESS your entire life and then some! You can click here to purchase!

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