Tag: life

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Dating/Courting Home

25 Ways Other than Dating to Prepare For Marriage

After about 6 months of being married, I realized something that I pray every unmarried person will take very serious.  Every second I spent before I said I do, was preparation for marriage.  All the things I accomplished and all the things I failed to do contributed to my present day marriage.  Before I married, I was a huge proponent for preparing for marriage. But now that I am married, I cannot stress how important it is to prepare for the covenant that changes everything.
When I teach on this, the first response is, “Well, I don’t have anyone to date to prepare for marriage.” Dating is not the only way to prepare for marriage and also can be very dangerous if not done God’s way.

Here are a 25 ways to prepare for marriage other than dating.

  1.  Healthy friendships with the opposite sex.
  2. Get a roommate.  (same sex)
  3. Spend time with a married couple that inspires you to be married.
  4. Learn how to cook. (Poor eating habits are very unattractive and destructive to yourself.)
  5. Establish the foundation of God’s purpose for your life.
  6. Read books on marriage.
  7. Attend conferences on preparing for marriage and relationships.
  8. Identify your strengths and weaknesses in relationships.
  9. Establish a consistent prayer & devotional life.
  10. Get financial intelligence.
  11. Go to college.
  12. Examine the good and bad of your parent’s marriage.
  13. Serve at your local church.
  14. Learn how to deal with conflict with your friends.
  15. Go on a mission trip to another country with a team.
  16. Take faith risks for God to break fear and learn obedience.
  17. Examine all your failed friendships and see why things went sour.
  18. Keep your home/room/closet/car clean. (No one wants a dirty spouse)
  19. Get a hobby.
  20. Become a glass house for your close friends. (Transparency as a normal part of your life.)
  21. Ask your “real” friends what are areas of your character need development every 3-6 months.
  22. Learn when to say yes, and when to say NO. (self control)
  23. Work hard. (if you don’t want to marry a lazy person, then don’t be lazy yourself)
  24. Develop a healthy lifestyle.
  25. Get a biblical understanding of the role of a husband and wife in a Godly marriage.

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Finances Marriage

5 Ground Rules for Money Management

From the desk of the Modern Day Cindi:
One of the core values of a healthy marriage should include healthy finances. Even more importantly, although the marital bed should be kept warm and undefiled, it can indeed become cold, unsafe and distant—the space between spouses during times of financial unrest can feel like a deep, dark, bleak abyss.
Of course, the coolness of the mattress can happen for several reasons, but studies have shown that increasing distance between spouses is often due to the misunderstanding or misalignment of goals and/or intentions of how to manage current and future uses of money in the household. And this, by far, could be one of the worst things that could happen in the marital bed.
When I first got married, money was consistently at the center of most discussions. Whether in agreement or working through differing views, the discussion of finances never went away…in fact, the conversations became more and more detailed as each of us had to peel back layers of who we were to come to a common understanding that created a workable foundation.
During those communications, I learned that it was important to set ground rules so that the frustration around the money pot would not taint the sweetness of the honey pot. Here are a few of those ground rules:
Ground Rule #1: Transparency is key
Have open and honest communication. No Secrets! Be honest about your past and current state financially including salary/income, number of bills, outstanding debt, etc.
Ground Rule #2: Create a safe space
the environment should be such that it is easier to discuss finances and possible past mismanagement so that neither or either spouse feels condemned, judged, or alone.
Ground Rule #3:  Never stop communicating
Have the hard conversations, not only the easy ones, but the tough ones as well. These talks should occur frequently and early on in the relationship.
Ground Rule #4: Establish roles and responsibilities early-
lean on the stronger partner. For purposes of this discussion, stronger does not mean better or more dominant, it just means the person who is more equipped. If you are that spouse, be able to give without regret or retreat. In the event neither is capable, it is wise to enlist the help of a financial advisor, especially to manage the collective goals of the household.
Remember, the collective goals should also align with individual goals because a house divided against itself cannot stand.
Ground Rule #5: Have a game plan and revisit it often.
It is not enough to have good intentions, but it is best to create a plan together and work on it as a team (this includes prioritization of uses of money and paying off debt). Make the discussions fun and be realistic about the goals that are set. Establish milestones and designate celebrations for reaching goals.
Final thoughts: Our past and everything that was attached to it (and us) comes up when we get married—Our finances, financial practices and preferences, as well as our personalities including pride, rebellion, insecurity, lack of prioritization, being disorganized, family teachings, etc. are not exempt.
Know this: Management of finances can reflect who you are, where you are from, and what you value. Therefore, as a commitment to the marital covenant, value, protect and nurture this part of the marriage as an equally important component of establishing a partnership pleasing unto God. And again remember, a house divided against itself cannot stand.

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Marriage Parenting

Women, When Is It Okay to Be Selfish?

 
As women we take on the burden of being everything to everyone. We wear multiple hats, sometimes one at a time, and at other times two and three hats all at once. We give and give and give of ourselves to ensure that the people around us are taken care of, loved on, nurtured, comforted, encouraged, provided for, and appreciated.
As mothers we will bend over backwards to chauffeur the children to school and practices, work on homework, volunteer at their school, and squeeze in some semblance of quality family time before bed. As wives we will make sure the house is clean, dinner is made, egos are stroked, the husband feels like “the man”, our “wifey duties” are handled, and all while maintaining the balance of being an independent woman with being a submissive wife.
And these are just our “home” hats.  We also wear the daughter hat, the sister hat, the auntie hat, the minister/ and or minister’s wife hat, the employee/ employer hat, and the friend hat.
 
With all that we have on us each day, how often do we take off all those hats and put on the “ME” hat?
Not often at all. We, as women, have become so consumed with the welfare of other people that by the time we get to ourselves, we are depleted of all energy, strength, and effort. It is in our nature to nurture, to help, to give, but it is always directed outward and hardly ever inward.
Pamela Hines writes in her book The Fabric of a Woman,  “Unfortunately, many women sacrifice their personal care, growth, or development because they devote all of their time and efforts to serving others… but how can we really give ourselves to our families, and to others who depend on us, if we fail to first take the time to get what we need?”.
You will be more of what everyone else needs you to be, including yourself, when you have properly tended to yourself.
It is ok to be selfish and have “ME” moments.
You will be happier, feel better, and be able to do more when you are at full capacity, but you can only be at your best if you place value on yourself enough to invest in yourself. When we constantly give out and never replenish, we have the potential to do more harm in our relationships than good. We begin to operate out of frustration, irritability, and resentment for others and for the job that we love. As women we tend to feel that it is not ok to take time for ourselves.
“Who will do it if I don’t?” “So and so needs me. I can’t say no”.  “Let me just do it so that it gets done”. We convince ourselves that we have to do everything because it’s our job to do it, but taking care of everything means taking care of ourselves as well.
 
Challenge yourself to be OK with having those selfish moments. Spend time doing something that makes you happy.  Give yourself what you would give to others… YOU.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Finances Home Marriage Parenting

Ask Dr. Faith: 7 Keys to Balancing Marriage, Motherhood, Ministry, and Marketplace

In the last 2 years of my life, which have included marriage, motherhood, ministry, and marketplace, I have learned that balance is not achievable, but there is a way to do all four. I have been in ministry for 15 years, married for two years, a mother for one year, and a business owner for 9 months. Is it difficult yes, but I believe it is doable. Today, I will share the 7 most important things I have learned about each of these areas and how I balance them. Most people ask me “how do you do it,” and my answer is chaotically but gracefully. A lot of people have ideas about what a life full of marriage, ministry, motherhood, and business looks like.  But the truth is, you really don’t know until you get there. When I was pregnant I took 5 months off and that was incredibly hard for this busy beaver, but it was really important to recognize the necessity in doing so. That leads me to my first point:
 

  1. I have learned that every season and every role is important and sacred. I do not rush through taking care of or being with my son to get to the next task even though I want to sometimes. When I do, I just get frustrated and I rob myself of precious time that could be spent with him. So with that lesson learned I began to work around his naps and when he goes to bed. There are many times I still get frustrated trying to answer emails while he is pulling on my dress or asking to play, but nowadays I catch myself and let whatever I am doing go and give him my attention. I have learned that sometimes I can only do one thing at a time and that is fine.  I have learned not to feel guilty for putting my work aside and playing with my baby. I know as I honor my role as a mother, God will honor me as a work at home mom. Raising my baby is just as important as making the money to contribute to my family.  It helps that my husband is in graduate school and has several classes at night, which allows me to work and then focus on him when he returns. That leads me to point two.
  2. Manage your time wisely. When you are in multiple roles time can be your best of friend and the worst of friend. Learn to categorize things in your head and write down a block schedule. Whatever you do, try to have a clear map of how you are going to steward your day. Yes there are always surprises, but try to get back on track as soon as you can. I intentionally work hard to create time for my service to God, my husband, my son, and my career. Create spaces in your schedule and designate chunks of time for each task. Put first things first: Jesus, husband, children, and ministry/work. Sometimes you may feel like you are drowning in water and what you are giving is not enough, but if you do it out of a heart of love, it is enough. Give yourself Grace.
  3. Everything is not always going to be perfect and that’s okay. Life as a wife and working mother is nothing like the magazines. My house sometimes is not as clean as I would like, my prayer time not as long, my productivity not as much, but I give my best to all I have been given to steward. Do your best and get help. Find a friend who loves to clean, someone who can occasionally watch your baby so you can work, or someone who could plan meals. Plan systems and creative ways to keep your home and life running smoothly. However, the sooner you realize there will be a lot of times where things won’t run smoothly, and the sooner you become okay with that, the happier (more peaceful, settled, content)  you and those around you will be. Do not fall under the trap of perfection―do what works for your family. I pray you have a supportive husband, split chores, share in responsibilities and you will be just fine. When you fall short, repent and keep moving. Remember there is always tomorrow.
  4. Learn to understand the season you are in. I have been very eager to finish writing the books that have been hanging in the balance for awhile now, however book writing requires prolonged moments of quietness which are currently nonexistent in my life. I was so frustrated, until I realized this was not a season for books but for blogs. Using blogs I could still get out what I had to share with the world just in a shorter form. It does not mean I will not write again, it just means it is not a season for novels. Understanding the season I am in helped me release the pressure I was putting on myself. When I was single, or even before the baby, I could “go, go, go,” but seasons have changed and some things will just need to wait.  Be realistic with the goals for all areas of your life. What you can do―do it now. What you can’t do now― you can do it later.
  5. Family first. Since I am on the road quite a bit I decided that I would take my family with me as much as possible. Ministry is family. I do not believe that your calling or assignment ends just because you become a wife or mother. Instead, your calling enlarges and you are given a different sphere of influence. As a woman preacher, my heart is to include my husband and children in the work of the Lord, so much, that it all merges together. Serving Jesus and being a family should just be as normal as breathing. Care first for your husband’s emotional, spiritual, and physical needs, then your children, and then everyone else. This sort of prioritizing will be a model for others to see and follow in a ministry settings. Read the Word and pray with your husband, have family Bible reading times, dream together as a family, and always make God the center of everything. As you honor your commitments to your husband and children, I believe God honors your commitments to those you have been called to serve.
  6. Have Fun. As tiring and difficult as this season can be for some, it is also wonderful and beautiful. Life is all about perspective. The way we see the world effects what we will receive from it. Look at the not so funny moments of life, and remember you will laugh about them later. Take it easy on your spouse and children. Find time to go on vacations, have family fun nights, and laugh, laugh, laugh. Jesus came so you could have this kind of abundant life. When you want to complain remember there are so many other women who wish they had a husband, children, work, or ministry. Be GRATEFUL. Ungratefulness breads discontentment. Rejoice in who you are, what you have, and where you are going.
  7. Take care of yourself. This is an area I am working on constantly because my schedule just seems impossible. But now that it is warming up, I take a 20 minute walk with the baby in his stroller twice a day. It is good for him to get out, the mental break helps my creativity, and the walking serves as my exercise for the day. I am very protective of my time. I make sure I spend at least two hours a week watching a movie or favorite show. It is hard for me to put the iPad down, or the phone, but I remind myself that my productivity is based on my level of rest. I get my hair and feet done often, and I really push for those alone times even if it is only several hours a week!

I know I have so much more to learn, but one thing I know is that this is doable. There is no balance, but there is a way. Be all God has called you to be and live a fulfilled life. For a consult on how to balance your life better email me at info@askdoctorfaith.com.

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Engaged Marriage

5 Guaranteed Ways to Get the Most Out of Your Spouse

When reading the title of this blog, I am sure it is guaranteed to raise eyebrows. Well, allow me to explain. After being married for 8 years, I have learned a lot from doing marriage my way or the way I was taught by my parents or lack thereof.
Once we exchange rings and the fanfare is over, we become quickly acquainted with the ‘real’ person you married. Don’t get me wrong! I am quite sure many of you know a lot about your spouse prior to saying ‘I Do’.
However, I am pretty sure you find out a lot more once you are living together as a married couple. Maybe you didn’t know he was lazy or maybe you didn’t know she was terrible with money. Well,  I have developed a few techniques that will help you get the most out of your spouse.

  1. Assess his/her weaknesses – I am sure that after you left the honeymoon and moved in you are beginning to notice behaviors or weaknesses in your spouse. The areas that your spouse is weak in offer to assist in those areas.
  2. Pray for Development – Ask God to teach you to pray for your spouse. After all, God is her Father and he knows the way to her heart better than you. Trust his guidance as you pray for your spouse. You are her biggest intercessor. Pray that she grows in these areas of her life.
  3. Affirmation – Be sure to affirm the areas they are strong in.
  4. Handling their mistakes – Be patient when they makes mistakes. Use these as opportunities to demonstrate to your spouse that you want to help and that they don’t have to do it alone. Also, don’t forget to encourage them to try again.
  5. Develop a vision for your spouse – What do you want to see materialize in his/her life, career, spiritual life. Once you get a vision for your spouse, invest in it! Purchase books! Give them training ideas! Lend you ear to your spouse passions and seek out ways to fulfill them!

Finally, MOTIVATE, MOTIVATE, MOTIVATE!
There is much power in a praying, comforting, reassuring spouse. The end result is a spouse that has the courage to tackle every challenge. As she sees you going out of your way for her. She will go out of her way for you!

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Home

5 Must Do's When Stress is Getting Real

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Home

6 "Real" Questions for the Unmarried On Your Social Life

If I get one more invite to a “single’s skating party” or a “single’s potluck” I am going to scream. Do not get me wrong, I am an advocate of social environments that includes both physical activity and enjoying the delectable treats that are shared amongst semi-known acquaintances. I even consider it a sport of amusement in trying to figure out what is actually in that dish that the “new girl” made and keeps offering for everyone to try (I once tried to make an apple crisp but it just didn’t crisp up like my mom’s lol). These environments are intended to minimize the internal loneliness that the attendees are dealing with and are placed amongst a group of individuals that they do not know and forced in to an even more isolated feeling because they are not really sure if it is a safe zone.
Networking is an art; that’s why there are books, classes, seminars, workshops, webinars etc. etc. on how to engage in social environments.
1. Is that what singles are looking for when going out; to develop skills on being involved in socially awkward atmospheres?
2. Are you going to events with the hope that it will be the beginning of a fairy tale love story?
3. What are we really saying when we only offer to the unmarried cake and punch and corral them in to a roller rink?
Now if you are in the midst of planning or attending your church’s 27th annual “Saved Singles Skating Bash”, this is not to say that it shouldn’t continue. It is more of an inquiry to ask about the purpose and expectation of the results. 
4. What are the results from the single events you have attended?
5. Have you seen the unmarried remain faithful to the principles of the Bible?
6. Are you producing the Fruits of the Spirit or are you involved with reoccurring lifestyle choices that do not exhibit an encounter with the living God?
Any time that we gather together in Jesus’ name, people should be able to feel comfortable, discuss challenges, have the ability to be transparent and have discussions about solutions to live a life pleasing to our Heavenly Father. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty and joy! Proverbs 11:14 “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety (NKJV).”
I want to challenge you to seek after more of God. There is so much to discover about His plans for our lives, which far surpass temporal satisfaction. God is the creator of all things, and delights in us seeking after Him. Being unmarried is not boring and you do not have to feel awkward about your marital status.
Pray and ask God to guide you in to environments with individuals that are likeminded in desiring to fulfill the work of the Lord. If your local assembly does not have a group for the unmarried, ask your pastor and start something small at your house. You can have a potluck and Bible study…plus I’ve got a great recipe for apple crisp.
I would love to hear some feedback from you.  Comment below with your answers to these questions.
INS

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Physical Intimacy

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage Physical Intimacy

5 Quick Ways to Jumpstart to a Healthy Lifestyle

Many times I paid to write articles hear people say, ” I can’t afford to buy whole/organic foods” or “I don’t have enough time to work out and get fit/healthy.”

I know in this part of the Western World, eating unhealthy foods and skipping the gym is so much easier and convenient, but I promise you: the hospital bills, the medicine script, the exhausted and overworked body and ultimately the sickness is WAY more expensive than taking steps to living in wholeness NOW.

Here’s a great way to start:

1.

Recruit help!

Bring a friend in on your choice to live healthy and stay accountable!

cheap price cialis

It’s so much easier and way more fun to do it with someone else.

 

2. Get educated!

Watch a documentary: Food Matters, Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead, or Forks over Knives are great Netflix movies!

 

3. Make some changes!

Cut something out (soda, fast food, eating late) and replace it with something else (water, home-cooked meal, veggie snack).

 

4. Discipline your body!

Sign up to the gym, a cross fit class, a home workout routine, running, biking… whatever! Do something that will burn fat, release endorphins and make you feel good about yourself!

 

5. Love yourself:

Value your body enough to give it what it needs to work properly! This is going to make you a healthy, happy you! You are worth the investment! Don’t just settle for what McDonalds offers you! Your body needs nutrients! So give it what it needs to be healthy!