My husband and I met in person at Central Park. Our business conversation quickly turned into a conversation about everything else. As he walked me to the train (after his attempt to kiss me) he stared at every movement my large lips made. I kindly asked him not to do that because it made me uncomfortable as most full-liped ladies would know. Now that I think back to that encounter, I wonder if he was looking at my lips or mesmerized by the things I said to him.
As I said in a previous article, he told me he loved me just days after meeting me. Thinking back now, I know that we were at the most vulnerable points in our lives and were able to be honest. Honesty is most important when trying to develop a relationship with someone. It is even more important than having things in common and spending quality time. It’s definitely more important than playing the so-called game of “trapping the man.”
We’ve all done it: try to find ways to get him to put a ring on it. But it is impossible to make him want you if you aren’t being yourself. The best way to show him who you really are is by the words you use. Don’t be afraid to voice what you are looking for in a relationship. You don’t want to run him off with your long list of demands but be candid about the type of relationship that you want. Make sure that you are clear that you want a monogamous relationship that can possibly lead to marriage. Why waste time? In the past, I’ve told guys that I just want to keep it casual when I really wanted to say, “I want to have your babies.” Although, God allowed me to be fearless enough to say that to my husband on our first date, I could have kept that to myself. The thing that I did let him know, which was the right thing to do was that I was tired of mindlessly dating. Yes, I was young (20) but I was tired of having a broken heart. I made sure to let God know and let him know.
I was honest but I wasn’t demanding—not at first anyway. I simply explained to the man I knew I wanted to marry, that I don’t casually date and that I hoped that the next man I was monogamous with was going to be the last person that I was with. I assured him that I was not pressuring him into anything but I wanted to be open with him. I didn’t want to date him under false pretenses and I didn’t want him to do that to me either. He appreciated my honesty and felt like he could be honest as well. It turned out that he was tired of just dating too. He was actually considering marrying someone else if he didn’t meet the right one by age 30. He appreciated that he met me before he made the mistake of marrying the wrong one.
Though it may be early in a relationship consider that the early days are your building days. These are the days that you are constructing the foundation for a long-lasting love. Love can only exist in an honest place. Its foundations must be biblical in order to thrive. “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” (Proverbs 18:21) You have the power to speak life into your relationship by being honest so be mindful of the words that you speak to your potential spouse. Also, be careful not to be demanding; that is a good way to run him off. Don’t think that as soon as you talk about your intentions for your future that you should start planning your wedding. “4Love is patient and kind…6 It does not demand its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6) It just means that you’re not wasting anymore time in relationships that aren’t going in the right direction.
Category: Engaged
There are many expectations that come along with being considered a Christian and a husband. When you consider yourself a Christian then you’re saying that you are a follower of Christ, and that your life is no longer yours, but lived fully for Him. Now, combine that with husband and now you’re saying you’re a Christ following husband that desires to love his wife as Christ has loved her and you.
No man falls in love, proposes, goes through the process of planning a wedding, and then steps up to the altar to commit to one woman for the rest of his life; with the thought of failing her down the road. Failure is not in most men’s vocabulary because we were created to succeed. But, sometimes failure is necessary in order to see the ramifications of our actions.
When I got married, I vowed to love my wife as Christ loved her, and to die to my desires in order to please her. I have upheld most of the expectations that is expected of a Christian husband. Go to church regularly, provide financially, protect relentlessly, and love her unconditionally. Doesn’t that sound like a good man to you?
But, there is one thing that is missing that I myself have failed to do on a consistent basis that I know my family needs me to do or else I become a stumbling block to them.
I have failed my wife in not leading her spiritually by having a consistent time for us to spend time with God together at home.
It is a great thing to go to church together, but it gets even better when you have church together in your home. I have recognized we have allowed the busyness of life to overtake those precious moments that literally affect the spiritual intimacy and health of our marriage.
Your wife needs you not only to be the provider and protector, but also her pastor.
As her pastor you lead your family spiritually by example and are guardians of their soul. This can have the greatest impact upon their lives.
There are many ways this can be accomplished whether it be through reading a devotional together, praying and reading the bible together, encouraging one another, or having spiritual date nights.
It is our relationship with God that sets the tone for everything else we do as a couple.
The bible says in Ephesians 5:25-28, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Husbands you play a major role in your wife’s growth in her relationship with God. She needs you to grow in your relationship with Christ in order for you to be able to lead her and your children closer to Him.
This doesn’t mean you have to know more, but simply have vision to see your family become everything God has destined them to be.
I now understand the role that is necessary for a husband to carry out can be challenging, but I also recognize God has provided ways to help us. You may not know what scriptures to read together, or what questions to ask to have a meaningful conversation.
This is why my wife and I joined together with our writing team to write a devotional to help ourselves and other couples do the one thing that matters most for your marriage.
This devotional has 42 days worth of opportunities to connect with your spouse and connect with God.
We’ve already had many couples talk about how the devotional is changing the way they communicate, and helping them talk about things they’ve never talked about. It is our prayer that every couple that desire a better spiritual connection with God together would purchase this devotional.
If you’re dating, engaged, or married this devotional is perfect for your relationship.
Our Time With God: A 42 Day Devotional for Couples.
Don’t delay in having this great tool for your marriage. Whether you are a wife reading this or a husband, you can grab it now to start having quality time with your spouse and God.
Click here to learn more about the book!
Buy the book right now by clicking here.
People told me that my first year of marriage would be one of the hardest years of my marriage. I can speak from experience that the first two years were not completely conflict free. There were several times where we had to have long deep discussions and debates. Some were just as simple as differences in doing laundry and cooking then there were the more serious topics such as opposite sex friendships. Sometimes these discussions were followed by laughter, tears, snuggling, and anger.
You and your new spouse are embarking on new territory. You are no longer one person but two. You have been used to walking with two feet your entire life, now you have to learn to walk with four. It will be frustrating and it will take some time to learn how to act and think as one person. You can not do the same things you used to without considering how it will affect your spouse. But it does not have to be a miserable time. These discussion brought us together on a more intimate level. I found out more of why I love him and why God put us together. I found out that I didn’t have it together like I thought. It was a humbling time period for the both of us. Everyday with my husband was new and exciting and still to this day I can’t wait to wake up and come home to him. I love being married!!!
So what can you do to enjoy this time and work through the rough patches?
- Pre-marital counseling can prevent so many misconceptions about marriage. Get a jumpstart on communicating and caring for your spouse before the honeymoon night.
- Pray before you have to have those deep discussions. You do not want to be led by the flesh.
- Find out your spouses “love language”. Find out what speaks love to them and do those spontaneously.
- Hang out with other married friends. You will need someone to confide in and give you advice when you need it.
- Discuss and plan out your goals
- Establish and stick to a budget.
- Keep people out of your business. Your family, coworkers and friends do not need to know about your household business (unless it is one of the people mentioned in #4 that you trust to confide in).
- Go out on dates. Just because you are married now doesn’t mean that you have to stop courting each other. Your should do the same things that you did to attract him or her and keep the romance thriving
- Have grace and patience with each other.
Enjoy each other and have fun!!
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. If you need to, read that sentence again and really think about what that means. Marriage is a serious commitment. Marriage is a serious commitment that is intended to end when you leave this earth.
I feel the need to write about this because I do not want to assume that everyone who reads married and young automatically knows that marriage is forever. When you commit to marry someone, you have decided to spend the rest of your life with that person. You are committing to spend the next one-hundred years with them. Much can transpire in one-hundred years and you must be honest with yourself. Use your imagination. What is the worst thing that can happen to your spouse? Are yo willing to be with them trough that situation. Use your imagination again. What if things go fantastically well for your spouse, but they don’t go so well for you? What if they are able to achieve their dreams, but you haven’t yet realized yours? Can you be as genuinely excited for them as you would be for yourself? Can you make it through the better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until you leave this earth with this person?
Irreconcilable differences are often cited in divorce settlements. Are there any areas of your life that are non-negotiable? If you’re not married, are you prepared to talk about this to possible suitors? You may not want to speak of these non-negotiable areas on the first date, but it is important to talk about them before you get far into the relationship. If you are engaged or married makes plans to speak about these topics immediately. The sooner you speak about these issues, the sooner you will be able to walk through these issues together so that they are no longer non-negotiable issues.
Marriage is not to be taken lightly and it is very important to be honest with yourself about who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. For marriage is forever.
Enjoy your day.
Joel Pearson
Choosing a church home as a married couple can become a daunting task that may even cause disagreement between husband and wife. Choosing a church home should not be a selfish decision, but rather a spiritual one. These 5 steps will help you to keep your focus on God’s will for your marriage while making the important decision of choosing your church home.
1) Pray about it
- Pray individually | During your personal prayer time, pray for guidance. Ask God to rid you of all selfishness that could cause conflict while making church decisions. Ask him to give you the desire for the church that He wants you to serve in and belong to. Spend time in silence, as He may bring you guidance.
- Pray as a couple | Come together in prayer and ask God for unity of mind. Ask Him to lead you both to His best for you.
- Talk about anything that God has revealed to you during prayer | If God is leading you in a certain direction, communicate that to your partner. Make sure that you’re on the same page, spiritually and mentally.
2) Talk about your preferences
- What churches are you comfortable in? | Talk about your church past–the good, the bad and the ugly. This will help the both of you form an understanding of one another. Let this create an open and safe environment to freely share opinions.
- What style of worship are you drawn to? | Regardless of what style of worship you’re drawn to, God has a place in a church for you to be serving. It’s still important to make your requests known to both God and your spouse. Be willing and flexible to move as the Holy Spirit leads you.
- Where would you like to raise your children? | In other words, do you see yourself staying at this church? Discuss with your spouse about whether your church home is more likely seasonal or permanent. As always, be willing to move as God prompts you to.
3) Look for opportunities to serve
- Both you and your spouse should serve in church | You were made for the church–the church was not made for you. In fact, you are a critical member of the Church body. Make sure that you have forfeited a selfish, consumerist mindset about church and are ready to take on a servant’s attitude. If this means attending a smaller church where more help is needed, then so be it.
- You don’t have to use your gifts to serve | Everyone has God-given spiritual gifts given to them in order to edify the Body of Christ. Although, if your spiritual gift is teaching and there is a desperate need for people to serve in the childcare department, then have the courage to practice humility. Serve and help where it’s needed.
4) Look for a church with biblical teaching
- Is the worship music biblical? | Some songs are inspirational. Some songs are uplifting. Some songs even have Bible lingo. But pay close attention: do the songs mention Jesus Christ? What about the Holy Spirit? …Do they even mention God? The claims made in the music must strictly line up with the word of God. Often music used in church glorifies self as opposed to God.
- Is the sermon biblical? | You must have your own relationship with Christ in order to discern whether or not teaching is Biblical. Read your Bible. Study the scripture. Make sure that what is being taught gives an accurate depiction of God (old and new testament), Jesus, the Holy Spirit and the rest of the Bible.
- Does this church convict you and/or encourage you to grow? | Although you should not go to church solely to be spiritually fed (since you should be cultivating your own faith outside of church), it is still important that you’re being poured into. Make sure that you check out various church Bible studies or community groups. You may experience greater growth in that environment.
5) Pick the church that brings you peace
A church may have all of the “bells and whistles,” yet still not be what the Lord has for you. Wait for the peace of the Holy Spirit–both you and your spouse. It is not until then that you’ll know that you’ve found your church home.
I didn’t learn about generational curses until 5 years ago during a Deliverance service. Generational curses are negative things that follow a family for generations. It is a cycle of regrets, rejections, addictions, and pain. Though your marriage may seem perfect, there are curses that may follow you, if you allow them to.
Growing up, I was surrounded by dysfunctional relationships, including that of my parents. I saw the phony happiness as well as the blatant disrespect on both parts. How is a child ever to know what love is? In my eyes, love was not something I thought I’d ever have but I felt I needed. It scared me because I thought that if I sought love then it would hurt. And it did.
Love was treacherous for me from high school, when I first started (secretly) dating up to the time I met my husband. Even though I was not allowed to date, I snuck around and I am kind of glad that I did. I was able to get the ugly out of the way and now I have more time with the man made for me. I am not advocating pre-mature dating or disobedience. I should have listened to my mom but my stubbornness has helped as well as it has hurt me.
My generational curse was the idea that love was supposed to be “painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary,” like Olivia Pope thinks it should be (Scandal Season 2). Love is supposed be the feeling of “peace in the middle of the storm,” being empty and full at the same time, being inexplicably happy, and yes extraordinary. But that wasn’t what I saw in my household or in the generations before my parents. I had to let go of the memory of my forefathers and embrace the vision God gave me.
Before getting married, I spent time studying 1 Corinthians chapter 7, where Paul discusses sex and marriage. I struggled with fornication and I wanted things to be perfect in my relationship. I studied and studied until I started to look past the sex aspect and learned that marriage is about sacrifices; it is about the positive bondage. I didn’t realize that this type of connection or “oneness” existed because it wasn’t anything I had ever experienced or witnessed. The “bondage” puts an end to that curse because it required me to cling to my spouse. I had to shake off the old single me AND the old curses I was raised under.
When I started attending church on a regular basis, I witnessed happy marriages. Spending time around marriages that were strong, broke the curse and created a blessing. I threw away the curse of brokenness and clung to unity. I am determined to have an 80 year marriage as crazy as it may seem. I had to combat the mistrust, the desire to give up, and the painful past in order to step into my future.
I was still a teenager when I officially “went crazy,” according to my friends. I literally went from graduating from high school to planning a wedding with my beautiful young fiancée. Six months later I was waiting for her at the altar.
Why did my friends think I was crazy? Because in their well-pondered logic, I was still in the infatuation phase of the relationship. From their perspective, there was a likelihood that I was marrying Sarah because I still had the “warm fuzzies.” Good analysis, guys, but your logic was flawed!
We had invested seven years of friendship into this relationship already. We had fights where we got so mad at one another that we couldn’t even speak. We laughed so hard that we gasped for precious oxygen between intervals of embarrassingly high-pitched guffaws. We wiped away tears that we had caused one another to shed.
My point? Infatuation was not the engine driving our decision. Love was. Love anchored me to her bedside when she had her wisdom teeth removed and I helped her up from her bed to the bathroom door because she was so nauseated she couldn’t stand. Undiluted, ever-increasing love planted her feet before that altar and emboldened her tear-jerking vows to me—me—on our wedding day. Yes, it was love, but also peace. It was the perpetual peace of God in us that evaded well-intentioned skeptics and hand-wringing nervousness of people around us.
Though the objective of marriage is not to fulfill my needs, these are five reasons that I needed marriage—and still do:
1. I need what God hid for me to find in my wife. God has graciously and humorously deposited attributes of Himself throughout creation. My wife is a treasure trove of beauty that contains pieces of the mysteries of God that I am privileged to unearth, through the inexhaustibility of Christ in Sarah. (2 Corinthians 4:7)
2. I need to love someone even when there isn’t immediate gratification. Godly marriage is an invitation to invest into a something big that doesn’t only benefit us. I need to love outside of myself, my ambitions, my rewards. I need marriage because it evokes an “other-worldly,” supernatural, bond-breaking love that “covers a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8)
3. I need my wife’s tenderness. I need my wife’s feminine tenderness. I get into “warrior mode,” slaying dragons, and hunting beasts to protect and provide for my family. But God gifted man with wives to bring the beauty and tenderness of His nature to man. My wife does that for me.
4. I need my wife’s relationship with the Lord. My wife is such a worshiper! She is prone to enter into the presence of God and man, waving the banner of His majesty. She brings to my relationship with the Lord the reverence and awe of Him that I so often neglect.
5. I need my wife’s friendship. I need an encounter, in the flesh, with true unconditional love. My wife knows things about me that none know, besides God Himself—and she loves me and approaches my weaknesses with patience and faith in the God Who “works all things together for the good of those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28)
Every night I kiss the face of a fellow pilgrim who nudges me ever-closer to the shores of Heaven. In the end, we will reach those shores together and look more like Jesus because of our journey in marriage. I needed marriage then, and I need it today. And I accept this certainty with a smile on my face.
Does marriage provide God-ordained solutions to your shortcomings? How does it push you closer to Christ?
From the desk of The Modern Day Cindi: Let’s talk about roles in the marriage. Not just the typical husband and wife role, but the roles of those around the marriage; more specifically, the roles of parents. Now, this a touchy subject…one I dare speak to so I will be treading lightly. So, who comes first in the marriage? Or more directly stated, “Who is priority, your spouse or your parent?”
This can be a tough question for some to answer. It is likened to the question: “what comes first, the chicken or the egg?” Both are equally important, so trying to prioritize and rank their significance can become overwhelming when the importance of the roles are evident in different stages of life.
I remember when I first met my husband, I immediately knew we came from two different worlds with two different philosophies. My parents were both born in NYC, were world travelers, and both very educated, but when it came to their little girl, they encouraged me to do the same-be adventurous, a risk taker and see the world. Consequently, as I evolved into a young woman I was very independent.
I remember when I went to college, my mom was like “go off as far as you like, as long as planes fly, we can send for you if needed.” And my dad’s philosophy was “no news is good news.” So I rarely checked in daily to just say I’m okay; my weekly check-ins were good enough for them. Both of my parents said they knew they raised me well, I was very responsible, and I knew how to handle myself so they had no worries.
My husband story is a little different. Both of his parents were from Memphis and like mine, very educated; however, he was primarily raised by his mom as her only child. So although he too was very adventurous and smart, my husband was not nearly as independent as I was.
He told me when we got married that I had opened his perspective up to a whole new world. He and his mom’s relationship was more like best friends when I came into his life, he spoke to her almost every day, if they didn’t speak, they texted and engaged in a style of communication that I did not have with my parents, but it was all love none the same.
As we began moving toward marriage, I started sharing some of our differences with my husband and what we realized is that we both would have to do some adjusting in order to balance the expectations of our parents. He would have to slowly start cutting back the frequency and time of his check-in with his parents, and out of love for my husband, I would have to start being more intentional in spending time with my family.
What we learned from the experience was that WE set the tone of how we wanted the people in our life to treat and respect us as a married unit, not as son or daughter. We also learned that we needed to prioritize the health of the marriage above the heath of individual agendas…what that meant was we could not allow loyalties to sour our love for one another, and we also could not let guilt keep us from effectively merging the two into one. (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:8)
So, it really should not be a question of who comes first spouse or parent, because if you choose to view the marriage as a merger of people, not just assets, then it should not be if “he”, “she”, or “me” comes first. It is if “we” comes first. If you choose “we” over “me” Then start developing the mutual agreement of: Who do we need? What do we need? How do we balance? And, how can we make this work? …then the rest will naturally follow.