Category: Engaged
When you are first dating, it’s easy to get caught up in hours of endless conversation. However, as the relationship progresses into something more serious, you realize that all that conversation may have missed some important topics. We usually hit the big stuff about life (faith, careers, family, etc), but when it comes to specifics about our relationship, we often miss the opportunity to dig deeper. When my husband and I were dating and hit that point, I wrote down some questions I wanted to know the answers to. Luckily, I wrote them in my notes app on my phone, so I still have them to pass along to you.
Whether you are seriously dating, or even newly married, I recommend these as great conversation starters. If you’re looking for tips on how to be subtle with these, I have none. I literally whipped out my phone and started asking questions. But these questions evolved into a great conversation where we were both able to get to know each other better.
This list is by no means exhaustive and if you have a question or topic you think would be a great addition, put it in the comments section.
1. What is something about your parents’ marriage that you like and hope to emulate?
2. What is something about your parents’ marriage that you would like to avoid/ not do?
3. When thinking about marriages that you admire, what are the qualities that you like and hope to develop?
4. When thinking about marriages that you do not admire, what are the qualities that you hope to avoid?
5. What personality traits do you have that would make you a good husband/wife?
6. Bad husband/wife?
7. What are traits or characteristics about me that you think would make me a good husband/wife?
8. Bad husband/wife?
9. Do you feel comfortable enough with me that you could talk to me about difficult subjects?
i.e. sin, physical appearance, behavior, money
10. What are some family traditions you would like to establish?
11. How do you envision your future career? How do I fit into that vision? What is the timeline in an ideal world?
12. How do you envision your future involvement in the local church? How do I fit into that vision? What is the timeline in an ideal world?
13. If it were completely up to you, how many children would you have? How spread out?
14. Do you want a parent to stay home with the kids or do you want both parents to work?
15. What are some of your thoughts or ideas or ideals on how the children should be raised?
16. Where do you see us in 5 years? 10? 20?
I am amazed at the number of couples that I meet that have no balance in their outside relationships. Marriage itself is hard, and doing it alone makes it even harder. Yes, at the end of the day the betterment of your marriage is between you and your spouse. But, there are many factors that can help you have a healthy marriage. One of those factors is balanced relationships. We were made for relationships. From the Trinity, babies in their mother’s arms, to a group of women shopping it is clear that relationships aren’t just a desire, but a necessity.
After we got married, my wife, relocated to Chicago. One of her top fears was who she was going to be friends with here. We’ve been so blessed with healthy relationships across the board. We have couples and friends in our life that truly help us be better for one another. Here’s a list from the relationships in our marriage that continue to provoke us towards marital oneness.
1. The More Experienced Couple
This is not older by age, but older by experience. A great way to know they fit the criteria is whether you want your marriage to resemble theirs. This couple most likely has children, and has successfully made it through many check points in their marriage. Spend time with this couple whether it be at their home, or out to eat. With the couple in our life we have to schedule our time due to their busy schedule, but there is a mutual agreement between us that the relationship is necessary for us. Each time we end our time with them we go home more in love and more understanding of one another.
2. The Peer Couple
You will have many of these just because they are easy to come by. The peer couple is your friends that are married, and you can relate with one another. Natasha and I are beyond blessed to have a sufficient group of friends that got married around the same time we did. Some live here in Chicago, but most live in other states. Whether it’s a double date out on the town, or a face time session on the couch we make it a priority to spend quality time with our peer couples. I guarantee you we laugh the most with these groups of people. Most of the laughs come from the similar stories we share that once had us either mad or confused, but once told its like a ticking bomb until someone says, “She/he did the SAME thing”.
3. The Friend
One of the first things my pastor told me before getting married was to allow Natasha to have girl friends that she can go have girl time with. I didn’t really understand it, but man do I understand it now. We preach and teach that your spouse is your best friend, which is truth all the way, but they shouldn’t be your only best friend. You and your spouse need to have a same sex friend that is like a David to a Jonathan. This is the friendship that you can be honest about things going on in your life and they have an outside perspective on it. I’m not going to go to deep into this topic because I want to blog on this type of friendship by itself.
4. The Less Experienced Couple
Just like Paul had Timothy, you and your spouse should find a young couple whether married or dating that you can mentor. God’s desire for Adam and Eve from the beginning was for them to work together. When I watch Natasha share wisdom to other young couples, I fall in love with her all over again. One of the easiest things to do in marriage is neglectfully not honor the anointing on your spouse’s life. When Natasha and I sit down with less experienced couples to share what we have learned, we get so excited to communicate our successes and failures. This type of relationship is more for others, but you will benefit from it too.
5. The Trinity (God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit)
A 3 stranded cord is not easily broken! When Christ is in the center of your marriage, then you can guarantee a lot of mess trying to get in, WILL NOT! It takes intentionality to keep Christ in the center because its one of those, “Oh, I want to thank God” speeches that you know the person really doesn’t have a genuine relationship with Him. This is the sole most important relationship that is needed in your marriage. As the man of my house I have set it as a rule for us to end our night in some form of prayer. We have one day a week that we spend an extended time with God TOGETHER, and every night a quick prayer for one another. I speak to the men on this one. Please do not put the responsibility of keeping Christ in the center on your wife. We are the priest of our home, and that means it is our responsibility to establish and cultivate the presence of God in our home. This relationship will make all the difference.
In my life, I have worked my butt off…or have I? I’ll let you be the judge. Not really, but I’ll let you think you’re judging me. I’ve had 26 jobs since I turned 16 and just started my 27th. Many people would say I can’t hold down a job, I lack commitment, or in Jon Acuff’s words, I’m a serial quitter. I tend to think of myself rather, a learner. I learn something then move on. Though when I say move on, I mean actually MOVE. I have moved 7,092 miles since graduating college in May, 2010. I’ve lived on opposite coasts (West Coast, Best Coast!), the midwest, and the deep south (Better than both coasts). I’m actually a serial mover, not serial quitter.
I’ve never been one to sit still, I’m fidgety. I don’t have ADHD or ADD but some days I like to think of myself as a middle schooler trapped in an adult’s body. Besides, immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people. Can I get an amen? I have loved every move and would do it all again.
But as “fun” as I think I am, and as much as I have moved around, I married a still sitter. Although she has moved, it’s been well thought out. My moves? Not so much.
I married an attorney that is a thinker and a processor that decides something and sticks to it. I could never have found someone more opposite than me. Why marry her? Why marry someone like that? Why? One word, BALANCE. She gives me what I don’t have. What I lack in thought process, she makes up for, in detail. Balance, I did need it, I do need it, and I always will need it.
Some people told me in my single days, “Marry someone just like you! It’s more fun that way!” Well, if I married someone just like me, we would be broke, in a random city, wondering where to go next, or what to do next. In our case, opposites attract. But not just opposites attract, but opposites fulfill. That’s the big idea that I want you to see.
God doesn’t just want to give you someone that you’re attracted to, but someone that will fulfill what you don’t have. So can I say my wife completes me? Maybe. Are there still areas that she can’t fulfill? Of course. she’s human. Only God can fully fulfill me.
Whether you are dating, engaged, or married, look for those areas that you’re not gifted in and see if your mate compliments you. I hope they do. Don’t just leave it there; see how you can complete your spouse. If your mate isn’t good in a certain area, try it out! You might be their answer to what they need.
No matter your age or marital status, it is always important as a woman to actively strive to become a more Godly you, not only for your personal benefit, but also for the benefit of those around you and your ability to be used in God’s kingdom. One challenge we face as women is correctly defining what it means to be a Godly and successful woman. In a culture that promotes, encourages, idolizes, and embodies the idea of a woman who needs none other than M-E, the pressure to do everything and need no one constantly bombards us. The new idea of a strong woman is no longer defined by a woman who serves, submits, and puts others above her, but instead is a power-hungry, person-pusher who will do anything, say anything, and compromise her body, image, and reputation all in the name of making it to the top. In the words of “Queen Bey”- “Who runs the world? GIRLS!”
But were we really created to run the world and is that a position/title we would truly feel fulfilled and happy bearing? One moment we are degrading the entire population of men begging them to stand up and take their place as husbands and fathers, and the next second we are shoving them out of our way and calling them oppressive womanizing pigs. Do we even know what we want? The fact of the matter is we have become extreme in our needs and wants and have forsaken the Godly balance of respectful submission. Were we created to lead? YES! But, were we created to run the world? NO. I am not suggesting that we all sit down quietly in a corner and do nothing, however I am also not saying that we should push our way to the top.
A woman is actually in the best position to lead, love, succeed and be truly happy when she is covered, protected, and supported by a Godly man or person. Submission is a freeing and beautiful thing when the person you are submitting to has your best interest in mind. (Now, for those of you who aren’t dating, courting, engaged, or married, you may be thinking what does this have to do with me? But, I am NOT just talking about a dating relationship. Submission is something that should also be practiced with your friends, your pastor(s), your leaders, your teachers, your authorities, and in all covenant relationships. And, if you do hope to one day be married, make sure you not only have the correct view on submission, but practice it!)
At the end of the day we wouldn’t be called to live in community if we didn’t actually NEED that community. Let go of the false pressure to be a prideful, hardened, people-abusing woman who needs no one and is capable of doing everything on her own. Actually achieving this would 1. be nearly impossible, and 2. be completely miserable. It’s okay to need help and it is good to submit to the protection, counsel, and covering of those around you. Don’t attempt to build up hard walls that keep everyone out while trying to prove to the world you don’t need anyone and are I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. You’ll actually find that your glass bubble is easily broken, extremely lonely, and super unfulfilling. Even if this terrible method does help you make it to the top, whom will you share your successes with? Free yourself to not only need and rely on other people, but to also submit to them. It is ONLY through engaging in covenant relationships with the community of Christ that you will be able to become a Godly, successful, great and happy woman. Yes, you may get hurt along the way, but as always, anything with any value or worth usually involves a little pain and work.
It was July 27th, 2013 at around 6:13 PM that I said, “I DO” to my beyond beautiful, supernaturally given gift, Natasha Ann Miller. As my friends would say, I had crossed over into the #goodlife! Now being married 6 months I can freshly talk from the place of recognizing the things I wish I would have learned before I got married. So, if I had the opportunity to talk to myself one year ago, this is what I would share.
1. Learn Not to Worry, but Trust God
If you only knew how much time I took worrying how God was going to bring my spouse into my life. After graduating from college it was like okay God….IM READY, which I would repeat that phrase everyday in my prayer time. Each minute I spent worrying how she was going to come, or when she was coming robbed me from enjoying the season God had me in. If you are single waiting on God for your spouse, please do not waste time wondering HOW God is going to do it, but TRUST that He will do it. Your marriage season will come in God’s timing.
2. Learn How to Budget
It is said that finances is one of the top causes of divorce today. Many think once they get married money will eventually work itself out. WRONG! When you are single its easy to get away with a budget less life, but once you are married it is one of the most necessary disciplines needed. I encourage you to start a budget now, and do some study on personal finances. Luke 14:28 states it so perfectly, “don’t begin to build until you have considered the cost.” If you can learn this concept while single you will bypass many arguments during budget time and your spouse will thank you for it.
3. Learn Yourself
Marriage is the process by which two become ONE! Well, it’s a lot easier for those two to become one when you understand the parts of you that refuses to surrender. When you know yourself well, and can acknowledge where you need Christ to make your weaknesses His strength. It makes the merge of two individuals a piece of cake. The first few years of marriage is most difficult for those that refuse to give up and surrender to God’s inventive method for Christ likeness. Learning yourself is best done in the environment of healthy friendships, volunteering at your local church, and allowing the Word to reveal those hidden things in your heart fighting against selfless living.
The ultimate goal in marriage is to become one with your spouse and Christ that He might be glorified through your union. There are so many things that I wish I would have known to do before I got married, but I can say those 3 things will help you greatly to prepare for your marriage.
Categories
Just be Cool
Movie critics agree that the top three movies of all time are Citizen Kane, Casablanca, and Mean Girls. What’s that? One of those doesn’t fit? I agree that Casablanca is overrated, but the critics have spoken and I must oblige.
This post is about Mean Girls. Well, not the whole movie, one particular character. For those of you that have somehow not seen this cinematic masterpiece, it follows a teenage Cady Herron as she moves from Africa to a new school in America. Once at her new school, she finds herself accepted into the clique of popular girls, led by Regina George. Regina and her two sidekicks are the girls every girl wants to be. People will do anything to get into their good graces. I say “people” and not “students” because, as we learn when we meet Regina’s mom, it isn’t just Regina’s peers that idolize Regina.
When Cady first meets Mrs. George at Regina’s house after school, Mrs. George shows that she is desperately trying to appease her daughter. Throughout the movie, she dresses and acts like a teenager. She approves of her daughter doing a slew of immoral, and even illegal acts. Just after she tells Cady there are no rules in her house, she says with a smile and a wink, “I’m not like a regular mom; I’m a COOL mom.”
In relationships, we often take on the same attitude. We find ourselves desperate for the affections of another and start to overlook bad and indecent behavior all in the name of being “cool.” No one wants to be considered a nag or a wet blanket, so we let things slide. If we’re “cool” with their behavior, they’ll like us more.
Have you ever said something like “Sure I don’t like that he texts other girls all the time, but I don’t want to scare him off.” “Yeah, she’s talks down to me all the time, but it’s just her way.” “I hate when s/he __________, but ____________.” It’s nothing but excuses because we are too insecure to deal with issues. We need to be “cool” in their eyes so they don’t leave us.
And this is where we are wrong. Being “cool” does not mean that you are a doormat. Being treated with disrespect and not standing up for yourself is not what makes a person “cool.” You are a chosen Child of God and trusting Him means trusting that God has a perfect match for you, not one that you have to tolerate. Being “cool” is being able to deal with the situation, or if need be, walk away unphased because you know that God has something better planned for you.
Where a lot of us go wrong in this situation is that we don’t know how to handle the confrontation. We scream or yell or cry or freak out. There’s really no need for such histrionics. With the peace of God, you can come at it much more simply: either the behavior changes, or the relationship status does. After all, you’re too cool to get caught up in nonsense.