Month: December 2014

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Engaged Marriage Parenting

3 Biblical Earmarks of a Good Wife

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. (Proverbs 21:19 NIV)

I always had a bit of a problem with the phrase, “Happy wife, happy life.” It made me feel as if I could disrupt an entire place of solitude if I was unhappy. That my husband would forever have to walk on eggshells to ensure a peaceful home. Because heaven forbid I get upset; I would make life miserable for everyone in our household. Those are the thoughts I would get anytime I heard this phrase. It made me mad and yet confused. Is it true that the entire well being and happiness of my house depends on me? That if I get mad or upset everyone is doomed to suffer?

Well I decided to look at what God says… So I stumble across the verse above Proverbs 21:19. By the way, this isn’t the only verse like that. In Proverbs there are a few verses that state it’s better to live on the rooftop then share a house with a quarrelsome wife. I guess that is the equivalent to sleeping on the couch back in the day. Wow! So even the Bible warns about an unhappy nagging wife. But what does that mean for me? Am I never to have bad days or never argue my point?

WRONG! There’s only a handful of verses on the nagging wife part, however there’s a whole lot more on what a good wife is. And although many of us have looked at the Proverbs 31 woman as daunting and unrealistic, there is some great concepts on what a good wife is. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

1. What she says is worthwhile and kindness is on her tongue. The key here is: Think about what you are going to say. Your words have impact and can bring life or death. Even if you are correcting your children or husband, watch your words. Notice it says the “law” of kindness. The Greek word for law here is Tworah meaning direction or instruction. She gives direction and instruction through kindness. Whether that means you have to take a breather to calm down from the situation or you have to speak softer without harsh words. You can give instruction and correction without belittling or tearing down.

2. She brings him good not harm all the days of her life. This goes hand in hand with the previous point. Your husband is counting on you to be a blessing to him. “But you don’t understand how he frustrates me!” Okay, maybe he does things that bug you or maybe there is a lack of things he doesn’t do. Whatever it may be, speak to the man who you want him to become. Treat him as though he is everything you could ever want in a husband. Do it even when he doesn’t deserve it. Because chances are, he gets frustrated with you too. Give grace and uplift him. Before you know it, the man you treat him as won’t be able to hide anymore. If you see the gold in him he will begin to believe it. If you say and treat him as the best husband in the world, he will begin to see himself like that. Do the same with your kids. See the gold in them and bring it out. 

3. And last, she laughs at the days to come. This indicates to me that all of her days are not easy. Yet she doesn’t let the circumstances determine her joy. She is filled with joy in all situations. Noticed I said joy, happiness can be circumstantial, but joy is a way of being. It is choosing to stay joyful even in frustrating or difficult situations. Sure there may be days that you cry, days that you shout, but at the end of it all you know that your joy runs deep. It runs deep with roots into the everlasting joy of knowing that you are a daughter of an incredible Father who loves you.

I think for me the saying “Happy wife, happy life” is totally true. However, I don’t depend on my husband or children to determine my happiness. I choose to stay joyful and happy in all things. Do I have my bad days, sure, we all do. But I know that my state of happiness is dependent on MY CHOICE to stay joyful. And yes I am a happy wife, therefore I choose to bring life to everyone around me. Be a Happy Wife, Bring Life. 

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An Open Letter to the Dad Looking at Porn

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How to Deal with Prophecy and Dreams Regarding your Future Spouse

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Marriage

Obedience Brings the Blessing

Has God ever given you a word or told you to do something that seemed so crazy that you were afraid to tell your spouse? After a fight with my supervisor, God told me to leave my job. How could I face my family if I leave my secure position, my health insurance and my pay check? It just didn’t make any sense. I was convinced that it was my subconscious but God sent me signs. He even had strangers talk to me! They all brought me the same word: “God is ready to elevate you; you need to do whatever He is telling you to do.” I finally decided to tell him. I was afraid of his reaction but he simply said, “I’ll support any decision that you make.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Here’s what I learned:

  • Your blessing is intertwined with your spouse’s.

“26 See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse— 27 the blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today…” Deuteronomy 11:26-27
If your spouse receives a word from God, don’t discourage him/her from listening. God will never tell your spouse to do something without already making preparations for you and your family. Your spouse will never make a decision that will purposely hurt your family. He/she is just as thoughtful and scared as you are but their obedience as well as your obedience (by supporting your spouse) will bring a blessing.
If you receive a word, trust your spouse enough to talk to him/her. Even if you don’t receive the response that you want, God will create an opportunity for your spouse to be in-sync with you. Whenever my husband’s faith in my decision wavered, I asked him to pray for me but it was really for him. I needed him to be on-board with God’s word.

  • Fighting God will only lead to destruction.

“…28the curse if you disobey the commands of the Lord your God and turn from the way that I command you today…” Deuteronomy 11:28
As obedience brings a blessing likewise disobedience brings a curse. Not all Christians can identify the voice of God. If you are reverenced enough to do so and refuse to listen not only will you forfeit your blessing, you bring a curse on both you and your family. When I heard from God, I should have listened immediately. While I was questioning His authority over my life, my job became increasingly unsafe for me physically, mentally, and spiritually. My husband was also struggling with his job at the same time. He was being lied on and almost lost his position. We could not understand why this was happening to the two of us. It wasn’t until I decided that I will leave, that my husband was released from the bondage of his job. At the time, I didn’t actually leave yet but I let my job know that I would be leaving at the end of the year. I was partially listening…I tried to appease God and myself but, of course, I can’t outsmart God! I became an angry person who was unable to do her job. God used my coworker to reveal to me what I was doing wrong. I’ll never forget what she said “You are hindering your husband’s blessing.” I fell a part. That Sunday, I received my breakthrough at church and I haven’t been back to my job since. Opportunities and ideas have opened up for us that I know would not have if I continued to ignore God.
Obedience to God means having faith in Him and sometimes faith in your spouse. Trust him/her enough to talk about the direction that God is leading you in. Don’t be afraid to allow God to take control of your life because it will lead to greater opportunities for you and your family.

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5 Ways to Enjoy Singleness

Why is it that young Christians look at “singleness” as a bad thing? It’s a long lonely period when we pray that God sends us the one we’ve been begging for. For many, there’s nothing more to life but work/school, church and home. Some are afraid of enjoying singleness due to fear of sinning, while others may be afraid of falling into temptation once more; but who wants to live a boring life until they get married? Here are a few ways to experience the “Turn Up” and remain in the will of God.
1. Hang out- During singleness, it’s important that you surround yourself with like-minded individuals and HANG OUT! Hanging out doesn’t mean going to clubs, drinking, and smoking; but going to the show, throwing/hosting parties, bowling, skating, visiting a close state, going downtown and the list goes on! HAVE FUN! Enjoy the world that God has created; but choose wisely with whom and where you hang!
2. Date yourself- In the courting and marriage stage, it becomes a little difficult to enjoy “ME” time. During your singleness is the perfect opportunity to “date yourself”. Dating yourself allows you to learn more about you. What type of movies do you like, what are your favorite activates, identify your pet peeves, what are your goal? Learning about yourself will prepare you for courting and marriage. You’ll have a greater sense of self, providing the opportunity to clearing articulate who you are, what you are about, and what it is you desire in a mate.
3. Create a Bucket list- In relationships, you give up “I” for “we”; in singleness, its all about ME, ME, ME, ME, ME! Creating a bucket list allows you to enjoy everything YOU want to experience. Marriage is about compromise, right? So, there will be things you have a great desire to do, but your partner may not. This problem can be solved in your singleness! Ride the giant rollercoaster, go hiking, travel to Africa; do whatever it is you’d be disappointed if your significant other refused to do.
4. Join or Create a ministry- With lesser expectations and responsibilities, it’s easier for singles to devote themselves to the Lord’s kingdom; not to say you can’t in marriage, but it becomes more difficult. Singleness is the perfect opportunity to serve others (which is a great lesson before courtship and marriage). Plus, the word of God clearly states where our efforts are to be directed in singleness and marriage:
1 Corinthians 7:34 An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit….
5. Get closer to God- With nothing and no one fighting for your attention, give it all to God. LIVE IN HIS PRESENCE! I love this quote by Maya Angelou “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” To hide your heart in God, you MUST spend time with him. This is the time to get up close and personal, grow spiritually, learn what parts of you are not pleasing to him and perhaps catch a glimpse of your “future”.
In Dr. Monroe’s “Myths of Singleness” video (YouTube), he discusses the importance of developing yourself while single, as it will determine what you bring into your marriage. He reminds us that life begins long before marriage; it begins in your singleness. I urge every single Christian to embrace everyday of their single season, because it’s time you will NEVER get back. Marriage and dating will come, and when it does what will you have to offer?

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Finances

5 Ways to Help Your Wife Who Loves to Spend Money

I write quite a bit on the importance of budgeting. You budget so that you can free up money to save, invest, and/or put toward other financial goals. I even told a story of two types of spenders: one who plans ahead and the other who spends it all (check it out here). But I’m often asked, “What do you do when you plan ahead, but your wife spends it all?”
So here are five approaches you can use to help your wife who loves to spend:

#1 Start with realistic expectations

Let’s say you’re used to saving 50% of your income, while your wife saves 0%. Your goal may be for your household to continue that 50% savings rate, but it’s not realistic…at least not immediately.
Right or wrong aside, it will be difficult for your wife to make such drastic changes in spending habits overnight. This doesn’t mean you lose sight of the goal, but it should encourage you to set smaller milestones. These milestones are what you’ll want to communicate to her.

#2 Be as specific as possible about your budget

If you’re wife is a big spender, chances are she rarely had to think about her spending throughout her life. Going from not thinking about her spending, to knowing exactly how much to cut and where, can be overwhelming.
Instead of giving her the heavy task of “not spending so much”, make it clear. Have an idea of where she overspends and by how much she can cut back the next month, or next year. You can then communicate a more specific plan to your wife.
For example, “instead of spending $500 on dining out next month, let’s target $300. This would be about $75 per week”
Your wife now has a clearer idea of what she can do to cut back her spending on dining out. When you have a clear goal, you have a greater chance of achieving it.
Learn more about how to track your spending and how to cut your spending.

#3 Shift the focus from right now to the future

The ideas of saving and investing are all about the future. They require up front sacrifice, but the sacrifice is worth it because the savers/investors remind themselves of what the future will look like once they succeed.
Big spenders, on the other hand, spend the way they do because they’re focused more on the present than the future. They spend money on what will make them feel good now, and the future is “out of sight, out of mind. But you can shift this thinking by painting a clear picture of what you’re future could look like, and reminding her of this future as encouragement. Remember, clearer goals are more attainable.
This of course assumes she shares your financial goals for the future. If she does not, then you’ll want to shift your focus to aligning on a set of goals with your wife.

#4 Speak to her insecurities

Retail therapy is no joke. Many spenders purchase their way into confidence and status. What drives your wife’s spending? Did she grow up poor, and now makes every attempt to have nice things? Maybe she grew up in a household where if you didn’t have certain things, you were less than. There are a lot of insecurities that can drive our purchase decisions. You’ll want to understand these, so that you can address them appropriately (even if it’s not through direct communication).

#5 Make it fun, reward yourselves (frugally!)

Most of us make more progress when there are small rewards along the way. And for larger goals that require years of discipline and commitment, you’ll want to throw in a few goodies to celebrate progress and encourage perseverance.
The point is to understand what drives your wife’s spending behavior, give her a clear idea of what she can do to help your household reach your goals, and make it a little fun along the way. Remember to give her a little room to make mistakes, and watch your path to financial freedom get a lot smoother.

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Marriage

Financial 'Holiday Blues' in your Marriage

Holiday’s like Christmas can be some of the most joyous times for a young married couple. Experiencing some of your “firsts” together and creating traditions is always fun.
Being married and young is also a time where you discover you may not necessarily always have the financial means to have the kind of Christmas you were use to when you were single.
I know for me, before I was married I always made sure my family had my “wish list” and I had theirs. The majority of my income earned during the holiday season went towards finding gifts for my family and friends. And, I also made sure I found some really nice gifts for myself. My husband was also very accustom to waking up on Christmas morning with a mound full of gifts awaiting him.
Can I just say, we have not had a “mound” of anything since we have been married. I say that with a laugh because we have quickly realized those elaborate Christmases are something in the past for us right now.
If you are married and young and facing this hard realization, don’t let the holiday blues get you down. A lot of young married couples are finishing college, starting new careers, raising children and basically discovering a whole new season of life for the first time. All of these things all of the sudden take priority over spending tons of money on one holiday.
The first year my husband and I were married we had only been moved home from college for a few months. My husband had only just recently found a job and I had been put on bed rest for the last month of my pregnancy leaving me without work. Money was more than tight, it was basically non existent.

Choices

At this point my husband and I had a choice to make. We could both be upset that we would have no money to buy gifts for our families or ourselves. We could be stressed showing up to family gatherings empty handed. And, we could mope around Christmas morning disappointed we didn’t get new pj’s.
Or, we could cling to one another. It was not easy realizing we weren’t going to have the kind of Christmas we were accustom to. And, I would be lying if I said we didn’t share a few tears together. However, we saw how truly blessed we were. If nothing else, we had each other and we decided that was enough. We also ended up spending the three days leading up to Christmas in the hospital delivering our first baby girl.
My husband and I came home on Christmas Eve to our little apartment with our new baby girl. I went upstairs to take a shower and when I came down my husband had sweetly wrapped our daughter in a blanket, placed her in a little box and placed a bow around her. It was the best gift that has ever been placed under our tree.

Be Encouraged

I tell you that story because I want to encourage married and young couples. I want to encourage you to look for what truly matters this Christmas, and it is not determined by the number in your bank account. Whether you are able to elaborately celebrate this holiday season or not, what matters most is that you have each other. If you are feeling disappointed in something share your feelings with one another and face this season together. Change can be hard sometimes. It can be in those challenging moments though where you and your spouse have the opportunity to grow closer together.
Remember, Christmas is a time to celebrate the life and birth of Jesus Christ. It is also a time to be thankful that God has birthed new life into your marriage as well. If you decide with your spouse this season to accept this truth, I guarantee you can beat the ‘Holiday Blues”.
 

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Engaged Marriage

3 Reasons Why I Told My Wife the Truth

It is said that there are 5 levels to truth telling. Tell the truth to yourself. Then you tell the truth to yourself about another. At the third level, you tell the truth about yourself to another. Then you tell your truth about another to that other. And, finally you tell the truth to everyone about everything. Its ironic that a healthy marriage requires telling the truth at all of these levels, but if we can all be honest, telling the truth can be one of the most challenging things to do at times.   It is challenging because we get married with this thinking that our marriage may have issues, but it won’t be like “their” marriage.
I learned the value in telling my wife the truth early on in our marriage when struggling with insecurities and the effects of issues from the past. I despised the person I became when I hid things from her, and I would come up with every excuse to why I shouldn’t share those personal things with her. But, then God revealed to me that this was all apart of the process to make us one! These are 3 benefits to sharing the truth with your spouse.
1. The Truth Promotes a Safe Place
A safe place in your marriage is a must for establishing conducive moments for healthy communication. When your marriage is a place of safety then you and your spouse will be confident in sharing those deep things in your heart.
An open heart is the product of an established safe place. Creating a safe place requires trusting one another, and a judgment free zone. When you married your spouse, they were not perfect, and they wont ever be perfect. Accepting that is the beginning to establishing a safe place for you and your spouse to grow into the person God has destined for you to become.
2. The Truth Brings you Closer
The truth will bring you and your spouse together. There are things that happen during your day that you can just hide in your heart from your spouse. There are also those things that are happening in your marriage that you would like to open up to your spouse about.
Both scenarios are a great opportunity to draw closer to your spouse. When it came time for me to share some deep things in my heart to my wife, I was very nervous. I prayed about it, and asked God to help me communicate it. Once I finally got the courage to share those things with her, it brought us closer. This is the building blocks of a great marriage.
3. The Truth Keeps the Devil Out
The bible says that the devil is the prince of darkness. Anything you’re hiding from your spouse opens the door for the devil to use it to destroy you and your marriage. Secrets within marriage are very dangerous. Anything from a co-worker flirting with you, an old relationship getting in contact with you, or maybe you did something that you feel convicted about.
All of these situations the devil would love to get in the middle of and use it to destroy your marriage. Tell the truth! Be honest about the things happening in your life because the scripture is right, the truth shall truly set you free! A marriage that has a safe place grows from the truth being shared.

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7 Ways to Survive a Hard Season

“I used to be so bold. I had dreams. Now I’m just a bench warmer.” Such were my thoughts after returning from the mission field. Though we had heard God’s instruction to return home, I carried a sense of failure. I felt like I had laid everything to rest that I had fought so hard for, but I couldn’t explain why. I was feeling tired, invisible, easily offended, discouraged, and extremely cynical.
I wish it weren’t so, but there are just some things we only learn in the wilderness. The wilderness (or some call it the valley) is that special little place where it seems like God is silent, everybody hates you, and everything that can go wrong, will.
All sarcasm aside, we have all experienced it.
When these season fall upon us, every corner of our lives is affected, not excluding marriage. The Bible, in Matthew 4, Mark 1, and Luke 4, tells us how Jesus dealt with the wilderness. Though Jesus’ wilderness experience demonstrated that Jesus is the Son of God, it also created a template for us to grasp in those dry times.
If you’re married, the wilderness will affect either you, your spouse, or both of you. In fact, in my experience, I haven’t been through one of these dry seasons in which my wife wasn’t right there with me, staving off death, right alongside me.
Here are seven facts about the wilderness, your “Spiritual Wilderness Survival Guide”:
1. It’s hard. No sugar-coating, here. If you’re in the wilderness, I know it hurts. The wilderness, either by God’s design, your own, or the enemy’s is very hard. (John 16:33)
2. It’s a season. Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us of the seasons of life for every person. God may have you in your season of the wilderness for a year, maybe two, or maybe just for a few months. Every season varies. We see examples of long seasons of the wilderness (Numbers 32:13) and shorter seasons (Matthew 4, Mark 1, Luke 4). The encouraging takeaway is this: it won’t last forever.
3. God is sovereign. The Gospel accounts of the Lord’s wilderness experience depict a God-ordained wilderness. Maybe you caused your wilderness. Maybe Hell’s assignment against you is ferocious. Or maybe the Lord is developing faith that won’t blow over in the wind on the mountains.
4. Discouragement is your worst enemy in this season. If you find yourself trekking through the lonely valley, discouragement is the enemy’s weapon of choice. He loves to dismantle the notion of divine destiny. He thrives when you heed phantom, irrational fears. Know this: if you’re in the wilderness and you’re discouraged, you are a target. (I Peter 4:12, Hebrews 4:15)
5. Prayer and worship will carry you vast distances. In Acts 16:25-34 Paul and Silas sang in their prison! In my own seasons of the wilderness, worship was not desirous at all. I didn’t want to fabricate love when I didn’t feel it. But this weapon of worship is a game-changer! Worship, even when you don’t feel it, speaks the language of faith, which God pursues! Don’t hold back your song. Pray together, couples! You just may be a song away from the valley to the mountain.
6. Your spouse is not the enemy. In the wilderness moments, when the tension and chaos of life relentlessly infringe on your peace, there’s a tendency for hardness of heart to turn spouses against one another. In our wilderness season, I interpreted my wife’s exhortations as criticism and pretension! Your spouse is not your enemy, that’s a mirage. Your journey in the wilderness is your spouse’s journey in the wilderness. Encourage one another in the Lord!
7. There is war in the wilderness. Jesus didn’t surrender. He knew His authority! With every “right-hook lie” of the enemy, Jesus countered with the Sword of the Spirit — God’s Word! In the wilderness seasons, it may seem like nothing is going right. Your car may break down, your health goes haywire, dissension rises in your family. Rise up, husbands. Don’t despair, wives. Don’t buckle, knuckle up! You’re not a victor, you’re more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)!
Run to God, cling to your spouse, and fasten your eyes on hope. The wilderness is a season and God has a reason.
What have you learned in the wilderness?