Tag: dating

The Problem with Dating

Dating is a selection process, to determine whether a person is the right one through compatibility and ‘feel good’ approaches. Courting is a Choosing God’s Best or God’s Word-based selection process- to which you measure the person based on Christ-likeness and suitability.
The problem with dating is that dating (if done without any intention of commitment) is a practice for divorce. For instance, when you or those close to you figure that there is something you don’t like about a person, you’re out- leaving the other person feeling abandoned in thier feelings. Dating gives you the freedom to be more judgmental and critical of the other person. In courtship you focus on yourself and (getting the ‘speck out of your eye’) prepare yourself for the other person- regardless of their flaws and imperfections.
You date often with your guard up, and having many dating partners can take away from you’re “stick-to-it-ness” or your desire to be committed to anyone. Whenever commitment is brought up in a dating relationship- the decision making process to commit to them on greater levels comes with confusion, maybe even contention, as you try to figure out the real reason why you’re in the relationship to begin with.
Courting allows you to hear from God early on and get confirmation that will cause you to develop in your loyalty to them as time goes on. In dating, you can tend to hold the other person at gunpoint- or have an imaginary rubric that you’re grading them on- which in most cases is unfair the other person is revealing their true self (flaws and all). In courtship you shouldn’t have to prove or put pressure on yourself to be a specific person.
In courtship- Be yourself! Courtship is when you allow yourself and the other person to be who they are- and you allow God’s word concerning husband and wife to guide you in the match-making process. This process helps you work on forgiveness, transparency, reconciliation; and if there is a rupture in the relationship, restoration is another process. Dating teaches breaking up as a means to resolve issues. Courtship teaches making up, restoration, reconciliation, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
Courtship prepares you to be a gift to the other person, and even with ths other person’s flaws and all, you allow God to present that person to you as a gift. For two are better than one. How great is it to have another person in your life who prays for you on the companionship level- and their committed.
Courtship brings about transparency. Dating protects only you and not the other person. Courtship is when you both fight together. Dating brings about hidden agendas, secrets, and unfair expectations on the other person through veiled emotions.
In the back of a dating person’s mind is the question: “Can I really be loyal to this person?” In courtship, you answer that question early on with the help of the Holy Spirit, and you understand that I can be loyal to the person with God’s help (to which there is nothing that can separate us except God’s revelation to the both of us).
However the problem exists when two people are in a relationship, but one person is dating (them in their mind) and the other is courting (the other person in their mind). In that situation, there is no mutual agreement (Amos 3:3). This means you two need to start talking, reasoning, and consider what is before you. If not, in this scenario, there will be a clash of intention, will, and desire. This could lead to one person being covenant minded, and the other person convenience minded moving forward.
There needs to be an understanding, that if Christ is in this relationship then we must acknowledge Him first, and He will direct your paths. Prayer, fasting, and studying the Word together will allow you to grow together in the Vision of God for your lives. Do not allow the enemy to divide you amongst wills, but get on the same page through commitment, loyalty, and purity first.

M&Y Guest Writer: Brian K.Cunningham is a highly sought after motivational speaker, life coach. An ordained minister and author of 7 books ranging from self-help to fiction, Brian is a proven leader amongst his peers. Brian has a B.S. in Psychology, M.A. in Teaching, and a Doctorate in Christian Education & Counseling. Brian is a Board certified Pastoral Counselor and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Brian is available for conferences, retreats, Christian counseling and small group sessions. Brian’s ministry specializes in deliverance, healing, restoration, reconciliation, faith, stewardship, all in the name of Christian education and counseling.

Tags courting, dating, engagement, intentional, love, man, marriage, purpose, trust, woman, word

Dating/Courting Home

25 Ways Other than Dating to Prepare For Marriage

Post author By admin
Post date May 7, 2014
14 Comments on 25 Ways Other than Dating to Prepare For Marriage

After about 6 months of being married, I realized something that I pray every unmarried person will take very serious. Every second I spent before I said I do, was preparation for marriage. All the things I accomplished and all the things I failed to do contributed to my present day marriage. Before I married, I was a huge proponent for preparing for marriage. But now that I am married, I cannot stress how important it is to prepare for the covenant that changes everything.
When I teach on this, the first response is, “Well, I don’t have anyone to date to prepare for marriage.” Dating is not the only way to prepare for marriage and also can be very dangerous if not done God’s way.

Here are a 25 ways to prepare for marriage other than dating.

Healthy friendships with the opposite sex.
Get a roommate. (same sex)
Spend time with a married couple that inspires you to be married.
Learn how to cook. (Poor eating habits are very unattractive and destructive to yourself.)
Establish the foundation of God’s purpose for your life.
Read books on marriage.
Attend conferences on preparing for marriage and relationships.
Identify your strengths and weaknesses in relationships.
Establish a consistent prayer & devotional life.
Get financial intelligence.
Go to college.
Examine the good and bad of your parent’s marriage.
Serve at your local church.
Learn how to deal with conflict with your friends.
Go on a mission trip to another country with a team.
Take faith risks for God to break fear and learn obedience.
Examine all your failed friendships and see why things went sour.
Keep your home/room/closet/car clean. (No one wants a dirty spouse)
Get a hobby.
Become a glass house for your close friends. (Transparency as a normal part of your life.)
Ask your “real” friends what are areas of your character need development every 3-6 months.
Learn when to say yes, and when to say NO. (self control)
Work hard. (if you don’t want to marry a lazy person, then don’t be lazy yourself)
Develop a healthy lifestyle.
Get a biblical understanding of the role of a husband and wife in a Godly marriage.

Tags dating, inspiring, life, marriage, men, preparing, relationship-killer, single, women

Dating/Courting Home

How To Determine if the Relationship is Going No Where

Post author By admin
Post date April 30, 2014
5 Comments on How To Determine if the Relationship is Going No Where

Would you invest your time, energy or finances into a college program for 2 years knowing you will not be awarded a degree or any form of official certification in the end? Would you agree to consistently pay a car note every month for 3 years and at the end of paying the full cost of the car you have to return it to the dealership?
If not, why would you invest your time, energy and finances into a relationship that has no potential to go any where? It is imperative that you define every friendship, relationship or potential relationship before entering into it. Defining your relationships early will determine if the relationship is worth pursuing or entertaining.
If your relationships are undefined you risk the possibility of not receiving what you need. There will be excessive confusion, miscommunication, and the relationship will most likely not grow or evolve into anything more than what it started out to be.
When relationships are undefined there is no clear agreement between the two persons involved of what is to be expected in the relationship or what are the needs of each person. In this case assumption becomes the foundation of the relationship and one or both people involved at some point becomes hurt or offended due to the lack of defining what they need or expect in the relationship. So how do you successfully define your relationships? Defining your relationship requires communication and for you to ask the right questions. Some key questions to ask are as follows:
“What do you expect out of this relationship?”
“What are your expectations of me?”
“Where would you like to see this relationship go?”
“How were your past relationships?”
“Who are you accountable to?”
“Are you willing to be transparent with me?”
“What are your goals?”
“What are some things that are important to you?”
“How is your commitment level?”
“What are some of your main responsibilities?”
“How is your relationship with God?”
“What are you strengths and weaknesses?”

If you or the other person believes these questions are too invasive, it is a clear indicator you are not ready to handle a relationship. Relationships are meant to be open and transparent. Without honesty, openness and transparency the relationship will never grow or mature. Asking these or similar questions will reveal the heart of the person and their intentions of wanting to pursue you. These questions are important factors in determining if you or the other person have the capacity to entertain a relationship with one another.
If one person in the relationship is not ready for a commitment, asking these questions will expose this issue. It will reveal the posture of their heart concerning relationships and whether or not they are ready and serious about pursuing you. After asking these series of questions (the determination stage is not limited to these few questions) it is important to not make plans to try to “fix” the other person, coach them into agreeing to be committed to you or proceed into a relationship when red flags are present.

Attempting to move forward in a relationship where it is clear that the other person is not ready for a commitment is unwise and a sure indicator the relationship will end in disappointment. It is unhealthy to assume if you invest time, energy, finances or put ‘work” into a person they will become ready. Investing in a relationship with a man or woman who clearly shows signs of not being able to commit or are not interested in anything long term with you is like leasing and investing in a car and at the end of the agreement sending it back to the dealership to be purchased by someone else.
It is a waste of money and time and in the end you start back at square one. Just because you invest in someone does not mean they will grow to love, value, and honor or want to marry you. Asking key questions early on will determine if the person is close to or already positioned to offer you these things. It will always be your choice of whether or not you want to invest in a dead end relationship.
Choose Wisely!

Tags courting, dating, marriage, relationship-killer, relationships

Home

6 "Real" Questions for the Unmarried On Your Social Life

Post author By admin
Post date March 28, 2014
1 Comment on 6 "Real" Questions for the Unmarried On Your Social Life

If I get one more invite to a “single’s skating party” or a “single’s potluck” I am going to scream. Do not get me wrong, I am an advocate of social environments that includes both physical activity and enjoying the delectable treats that are shared amongst semi-known acquaintances. I even consider it a sport of amusement in trying to figure out what is actually in that dish that the “new girl” made and keeps offering for everyone to try (I once tried to make an apple crisp but it just didn’t crisp up like my mom’s lol). These environments are intended to minimize the internal loneliness that the attendees are dealing with and are placed amongst a group of individuals that they do not know and forced in to an even more isolated feeling because they are not really sure if it is a safe zone.
Networking is an art; that’s why there are books, classes, seminars, workshops, webinars etc. etc. on how to engage in social environments.
1. Is that what singles are looking for when going out; to develop skills on being involved in socially awkward atmospheres?
2. Are you going to events with the hope that it will be the beginning of a fairy tale love story?
3. What are we really saying when we only offer to the unmarried cake and punch and corral them in to a roller rink?
Now if you are in the midst of planning or attending your church’s 27^th annual “Saved Singles Skating Bash”, this is not to say that it shouldn’t continue. It is more of an inquiry to ask about the purpose and expectation of the results.
4. What are the results from the single events you have attended?
5. Have you seen the unmarried remain faithful to the principles of the Bible?
6. Are you producing the Fruits of the Spirit or are you involved with reoccurring lifestyle choices that do not exhibit an encounter with the living God?
Any time that we gather together in Jesus’ name, people should be able to feel comfortable, discuss challenges, have the ability to be transparent and have discussions about solutions to live a life pleasing to our Heavenly Father. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty and joy! Proverbs 11:14 “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety (NKJV).”
I want to challenge you to seek after more of God. There is so much to discover about His plans for our lives, which far surpass temporal satisfaction. God is the creator of all things, and delights in us seeking after Him. Being unmarried is not boring and you do not have to feel awkward about your marital status.
Pray and ask God to guide you in to environments with individuals that are likeminded in desiring to fulfill the work of the Lord. If your local assembly does not have a group for the unmarried, ask your pastor and start something small at your house. You can have a potluck and Bible study…plus I’ve got a great recipe for apple crisp.
I would love to hear some feedback from you. Comment below with your answers to these questions.
INS

Tags christian, dating, god, life, living, relationships, single, social, unmarried

Marriage

3 Words your husband needs to Hear You Say

Post author By admin
Post date February 19, 2014
4 Comments on 3 Words your husband needs to Hear You Say

I Trust You
Your husband needs to know without a shadow of a doubt you TRUST him. Not just trusting in him, when he is doing something that you feel is right. But trusting in him even when you are uncomfortable. You need to trust the God in him, and trust that he hears from God clearly, even when you do not understand. That’s why praying for your husband is so important. Prayer allows you to keep the right perspective towards your husband and marriage.

I Respect You
Men need to know that they are valued just like any human being. In my marriage, ways that I respect my husband is by making sure that I honor the budget that we have set out financially each month, not talking bad about him to others, honoring his wisdom, and allowing him to lead. I honor the man that he is and will become. My level of respect is not dependent upon his actions, but upon my love for him through the eyes of my Heavenly Father.

I Love You:
I know you love your husband, and you show it to him on a daily basis by being an amazing wife and mother. But he needs to hear you say it verbally as well. No man is “too tough” to resist those three words from his beautiful lady! One thing I would like to learn in the future, is how to say “I Love You” in different languages and share them with my husband at spontaneous moments throughout our day. He may be a bit shocked or taken back in the beginning, but I’m sure once he finds out what I said he will be gleaning with joy!

I am learning daily through my marriage that it takes two yielded hearts towards God and one another to have a successful marriage. These three words have blessed me tremendously in how I respond, love and care for my husband. I truly believe that as I Trust, Respect and Love my husband that God will continue to fill me up with more and more of his revelation on how to be the wife, my husband Jamal is worthy to receive.