Guest Writer: Holly Loube
1. When you notice good fruit, mention it.
The love of God in our lives causes us to bear good fruit. You know like, patience, kindness, self-control and all those things we aren’t exactly born with. As we grow in Christ, the good fruit becomes more evident. So, when you see good fruit, compliment it.
Sometimes we think good thoughts, but never actually vocalize them. Since people can’t read minds however, these thoughts need to be brought to life. (I know one thing for sure– whenever I’m eating a particularly good-looking fruit, I don’t just take a picture for Instagram…I come up with the perfect caption to describe the fruit too. Just saying.)
2. Bring honor back!
Sometimes we get too comfortable with people and begin to take them for granted. Try to remain grateful that they are willing to listen and give you their attention. Talk to them how you talked to them when y’all first met. (Unless of course that was rude, in which case- abort mission!)
3. Retire “I told you so.”
If being right meant that much to you, you’d just be single. We shouldn’t take pride in being right. When someone apologizes for being wrong, react humbly. More than likely, there is something you could apologize for too. (Like that rude thing you said when y’all first met.)
4. Hope for the best, prepare for the…best.
If you go into the conversation looking for a problem, that’s just what you’ll find. Expect to have edifying conversations that mirror the gentleness and humility of Jesus. (Bonus: This tip also applies to shopping. If you walk into a store looking for the sale rack, you will find it. Warning! Avoid the display window at all costs, those are trends. You don’t need trends. YOU set trends. You are a trend.)
5. Sleep on it.
Think before you speak. The quickest reaction isn’t always the best reaction. In an “instant” world, we can neglect taking time to come up with an even slightly informed response. (Note: If it takes you longer to come up with an Instagram caption to perfectly describe an epic pineapple than it does to give a rational response to someone you’re committed to, well you, my friend, are in a relationship with a fruit.)
6. Above all, love.
Because love covers a multitude of sins. And, quite frankly, dating fruit is totally overrated.
Holly Loube is just an ordinary girl who enjoys taking long walks. She once wandered so far off her path that light turned into darkness and she completely lost her vision. Just when she thought she would never see again, she looked up and saw Jesus. He reached for her hand and she never let it go again. Her desire is for everyone she meets to feel a sense of belonging and purpose. She enjoys juicing and eating Maryland blue crabs. She refers to her writing as “worship disguised as words.” Holly is a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend and a bride-to-be! She blogs athttp://hollylooyablog.blogspot.com/.
Category: Engaged
One question I always get is how do I let my husband lead me? Usually, the issue is the husband may be an unbeliever or he may have a laid back personality. There are several things that strong women can do to make sure their husbands feel able and free to lead them. I will share some below.
1. Learn his leadership Style– Not everyone leads the same way; it is important to learn his leadership style. It may be different than yours, but choose to learn it and allow him to lead the way he knows how.
2. Check yourself- Do you always want things done your way? Do you get upset when things do not look like what you want them to look like? You really need to get to the root issue of your own actions. Some of us like to say we are “Type A,” but in reality we are actually controlling. There is a difference between the two and we need to check it, especially if we are married.
3. Make space for him to lead- Often times men won’t lead unless we create space for them to lead. We always want things done a certain way or done when we want them to be done. When we act this way, we are not making room for him to lead.
4. Allow him to make mistakes- You need to be aware that leading and being the head of a relationship is very scary. Help your man understand how much you love him and support him; let him know that he does not need to do everything perfectly, he just needs to try.
5. Learn each other’s strengths- If you guys can understand each other’s strength, you can then see who is best at leading what. One may be good at accounting, another at organizing trips, etc. Learn what each of you do well, and work together on leading that.
6. Pray for him- Pray that God will give him wisdom to make good decision and continuously cover him. The Holy Spirit can teach him how to lead you.
7. Be patient- Remember, things take time. People need time to shift into new behaviors. If you have a discussion about changes that both of you are going to put into action, allow each other time to grow into your new roles.
Culture, as defined by the dictionary, is the beliefs, customs, behaviors, traditions and arts of a particular society, group, place, or time. My intention in this article is to discuss some things to be aware of when you date or marry someone from a different society, race or group. A person’s culture begins in their immediate family, and is then enforced by society and shaped by their environment. Even if you and your significant other are from the same society, you will experience differences.
However, when you come from different ethnic backgrounds there are several things that you may want to keep in mind:
1. Your idea of love and expectations in marriage will be different based on the culture- take time to learn your spouse’s expectations and experiences about love, marriage and family so you guys can be on the same page. Expressions and expectations will vary depending on the culture.
2. Culture impacts how and when you communicate- Take the time to learn certain phrases, meanings and how communication in marriage and family flows in your spouse’s culture. One culture maybe quite, but that does not mean they are timid. Another can be loud, but it does not mean they are angry. Learn how your future spouse views communication. Some may talk through things while others may not. It is important to learn this so that you guys do not spend time fighting over things you can easily work out.
3. Learn the traditions and celebrations that are important- Different cultures put more emphasis on certain things than others; meet in the middle and choose which ones you will celebrate. I think one thing I learned from my marriage is being someone who strongly relates to the American culture, although I’m an African, I tend to celebrate everything with gifts. Where as my husband’s culture, mainly African, tends to primarily celebrate weddings, births, and deaths. My husband had to learn how to adjust to the many wonderful celebrations we Americans have.
4. Discuss the role of extended family involvement in the marriage- Certain cultures view extended family as the nuclear family; they expect couples to move in parents or send money back home at certain times in their marriage. Discuss this with your spouse and set a clear plan on how you will deal with extended family.
5. Roles in marriage may vary depending on the culture each person is from- Each society has differing ideas about marriage and about the role of each spouse. Take time to get to know your future spouse’s understanding of marriage and their expectation of you as their spouse.
6. Remember certain traditional roles may not be biblical– With the push of family it can be hard to put down your feet about certain things you and your spouse will continue in your marriage. While some things may be cultural, they may not align with your biblical values. Make sure that as a married couple you guys create a culture based on your beliefs, and not just your traditions.
7. You have to create a culture of heaven in your marriage- While our cultures, traditions and experiences make up our human experience, it is really important that our goal in our marriage, whether from the same culture or different cultures, is to emulate heaven in our marriage. When we understand the culture of heaven, it will be easier to learn how to create that same culutre in our homes.
Russell Wilson, who is a top NFL Quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks is in a dating relationship with R&B Singer and Dancer, Ciara.
God spoke to Russell one night at one of her shows and asked her, “I need you to lead her”. He says he knew that God brought them together to bless others. He then asks her what if they took all the extra stuff off the table and does their relationship God’s way!
Here is a clip of him talking more about this commitment for them to abstain from sex.
Skip to 23:53!
https://youtu.be/TmVgryMK8i8?t=1433
Skip to 23:53!
This is an awesome testimony of how it is possible to abstain from sexual relations before marriage. It is not easy, but it is worth it. I love how he did ask everyone to pray for them. That is real talk!
We celebrated my grandparents’ 60th (WOW!!!) wedding anniversary about five years ago. I remember my aunt asking my Grandma how they made it that far, and she responded by saying, ‘Well we just like being married! It’s easy to be married when you like it.”
On the other side of my family, I’ve had a few conversations with my Grandpa about my late Grandma. What strikes me the most each time we talk about her is the the look in his eyes. A look of sorrow, mixed with a sincere, strong and deep love. Even though it has been over a decade since she has passed away, his love for her is as real as the ground he’s standing on.
In a society where marriage can be portrayed as ‘prison,’ or something of little to no value, I find myself craving these kind of moments. Though I’m truly surrounded by solid marriages, I can’t help but acknowledge the ones that are not only strong, but have also stood an incredible test of time. Through both conversations and simply observing my grandparents, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons about marriage and love.
Here are four of them:
1. Live how you want your kids to live.
My Grandpa had written down some advice for my brother and sister-in-law before they got married, and this was some wisdom he shared. It was something I will never forget! As I pondered this truth, I began to see the reality of it revealed in my own life and the lives around me. My grandparents have without a doubt lived lives of integrity, hard work, and passion. They instilled that in each of their children, who have in turn instilled that in their children, who are currently instilling that in their children, and so on.
There is so much power in maintaining standards for yourself that you want to see your children to live up to. As a teacher, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a child say something along the lines of ‘My dad is good at baseball so I’m good at it too,’ or on the flip side, ‘My mom wasn’t good at math so I probably won’t be either.’ Kids take so much pride in being like their parents, so you might as well choose to be a person that is worth following after!
2. Go out dancing!
My grandparents always talk about how they used to go dancing. I love to hear them talk about it! Their eyes light up as they recount tearing up the dance floor. I may be over-analyzing, but they seem to fall a little bit more in love with each other every time they talk about it.
Now, I’m not saying every marriage requires a good swing dancing lesson once a week, but I do believe that finding an activity that catches the interest of each spouse can create a special bond and memories that will have the ability to sustain joy through tougher times.
3. Recognize and utilize strengths.
My grandparents were living during a time where wives were expected to be homemakers – cook, clean, take care of the children, etc. Both of my grandmas did just that. My grandfathers worked hard to provide for the family and spent more time working outside. In both marriages, they all thrived in these roles! By no means am I saying that men and women should be confined to certain skill sets, but there is something to be said about acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses, and then using them to create a effective partnership. We are all created uniquely and with purpose!
4. Love with a big YES.
It seems that there are some husbands and wives who are more concerned about who or what they should say ‘no’ to that their heart, ironically, is more easily divided. I’ve seen from both sets of grandparents that they so deeply love each other, and that they have continually chosen to say ‘yes’ to their dedication to choose one another. Because of this, their hearts don’t have space to stray away from their commitment. Loving with a big yes also makes mistakes more easily forgivable and forgotten, sacrifices easier to make, and increases trust between each spouse.
Every pious Christian knows that prayer is an integral aspect of Christianity. Most of us are taught early on that prayer, in its simplest form, is just talking to God. As absolutely true as this is, I want to avoid approaching prayer too lightly. Prayer is a threshold. It is a conference table that we can initiate on-demand. And, our Father is instantaneously there in our midst.
“The family that prays together stays together” is an adage that most of have grown up with. Trite sayings abound on the issue, but I hope to unveil what happens in that secret place. Many of us entered into marriage with an understanding that it is a sacred covenant with God and each other.
What happens when couples pray together is that you, as a couple, are combining your will to align with His will. You invite Him into the day-to-day of your lives and seek His counsel—and fellowship. Together.
What unfolds in this holy conference is beautiful:
1. God’s will becomes clearer. On many occasions, my wife and I approach the Throne of grace together, but confused. Unsure of what to make of the situation, we go to Him and ask Him to intervene or show us what steps to take. In those moments where we do not know whether to turn left or right, the answer, sometimes even extremely practical, becomes abundantly clear to one or both of us and we come away with the peace that transcends understanding. (Philippians 4:7)
2. We begin to see things from God’s perspective. As the two of us submit our wills to His, our aim is that our will conforms to His will. Romans 12:2 talks about this process of conforming our will to His: “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” When we come to Him with hungry hearts and humble submission, we see from His perspective! The goal is to be conformed into Christ’s image. (2 Corinthians 3:18)
3. We’re unified in marriage. Praying as a couple joins us together. Nothing is more attractive to me than to see my wife on her knees, crying out to the Lord to intervene, to bless, to guide, or be present. When we see one another pray, we take one another’s heart cries as our own and contend for them together.
4. We prioritize correctly. When we enter into the secret place as a couple, we catch a glimpse of the fullness of Who He is. Everything comes into proper alignment when a husband and wife engage with the King of the universe. We are able to order our lives in agreement with God’s grandness and our reliance on His power.
5. We are bonded together with a purer bond. As we press more deeply into Him, we together witness the remarkable, unfolding saga of God’s faithfulness to our family in every season. Journal His workings as your family’s stories for generations to read! Also, simply hearing your spouse cry out to the Lord is one of the most beautiful insights into your spouse’s heart and needs.
6. We access Heaven’s resources. Jesus told us that we could ask anything in His name. (John 14:14) When a couple is devoted to Christ, there are no limits to what God avails to two burning hearts, united in love for Christ and one another. The power of agreement (Matthew 18:19) is an unstoppable weapon!
Heaven is eager to act on your behalf. Amazing things await you when you pray together!
It’s the age-old question that has sparked debate all around the world. I’m sure that no matter how many people you ask, you’ll always get a different response. So what’s mine? I absolutely believe you can be best friends with or have close friends of the opposite sex while in a dating relationship.
Disclaimer: This opinion is derived from my own life experiences.
So, nowhere in the bible does it say opposite sex individuals cannot be friends. I believe opposite sex friendship is another thing the world got it’s hands on and perverted. With that being said, I agree that you must be very vigilant with friends of the opposite sex, ensuring there are no ulterior motives.
But, not everyone has an ulterior motive; not every opposite sex friend desires to sleep with one another or date. Some actually just want to be friends! I think one’s ability to be friends with the opposite sex is based on their level of maturity.
Here are a few tips to maintaining a healthy relationship and having friends of the opposite sex:
1. Communicate– My significant other and I ask each others permission before hanging out with our friends. Its not a control thing, but we need to be on the same page at all times. No, we’re not married and technically don’t need each other’s permission, but it’s a matter of respect. Also, be honest. If you have an unsettling feeling, speak on it.
2. Be inclusive- If your significant other wants to tag along, why not? I personally make sure I always offer. I never want my “him” to feel as if I’m hiding anything, including him.
3. Use wisdom and discernment– Now let’s be honest, there are those males and females that will try to snatch the title “best friend” just to get close to someone. I personally feel like you know when someone likes you, or at least you suspect it. At that time, its imperative that you draw the line and remove yourself from the friendship.
4. Set boundaries– Your opposite sex friends CAN NOT be equal to your mate! PERIOD.POINT.BLANK. These boundaries don’t have to be formally written out, but definitely acted upon. I personally do not hang with any of my male friends late at night. According to my “him”, he doesn’t take any female phone calls after 10pm.
5. Finally, ALWAYS put your significant other first- It amazes me how many people in relationships post more pictures of their “friends” than their “significant other”. HUGE NO NO! No matter who your friends are, everyone should always be able to point out your significant other. Its simply a matter of respect.
Now I know this wont work for everyone. Some are firm believers that males and females shouldn’t be friends, while others are too jealous to even consider it. But for those of us whole believe opposite sex individuals can be friends, be sure to follow the list above! It works quite well for me! REMEMBER…the key to success is MATURITY and RESPECT!
XOXO
Shannon C Colar
Lovebyencouragement.com
As I was preparing for bed, I stood in front of my mirror and suddenly I had an epiphany: I have never owned up to the things I’ve done to my ex. It was a weird and random thought and I had no real reason to think of him considering it has been five years since I’ve spoken to him and five years since my husband rescued me from the destructive cycle of on again off again with my ex.
It was as if staring at myself as I brushed my hair opened up a part of me that I had never explored. I made myself into a victim not only in that relationship, but every relationship that I had been in. I mean, I’ve dealt with some issues. But, I created so many problems with my past partners and it was as if God said to me that I need to own up to them in order to have a successful marriage.
My boyfriend before my husband was probably my most significant past relationship because of the type of influence he had over me. I set the tone for our relationship early on when I cheated on him. It was something I was punished for during our entire three years. Months later, we went through a life-changing event and I became completely emotionally dependent on him and he took advantage of it, getting money and other things out of me that I would have never given to him otherwise.
I sometimes sit back and think to myself, “Was that me?” It seems like another life. In the past I used my experience with him to gain sympathy from other men that I took interest in because I had this need to be “rescued.” My own victimization took place of my reality as I exaggerated what had occurred and conveniently left out the fact that I hurt him too.
Though I apologized and tried to make it right, I still made him into a monster for my benefit. He wasn’t a monster; he was upset and confused as to why I would continuously hurt him.
I understand now that I had this incessant, insatiable need to feel wanted and loved. No one could have been enough for me; not until I allowed God back into my life. I realized that because I was so sick, I felt that God didn’t love me so I searched for those who would love me.
But, no amount of pseudo-kindness would fill the void in my life. When I did pray for my husband to come as I mentioned in a previous post, I was still in search of that “filler,” but no one would do. Thankfully, I kept that mustard-seed faith in the back of my heart and God delivered. I am now a new creature in Him and with my husband.
Lately, I’ve noticed that I am adopting that same victim mentality that plagued me before. Not that I am turning to anyone else for attention, but that I am using it to get attention from my husband. Because he knows me so well, he doesn’t entertain my sometimes childish behavior which, of course, leaves me unsatisfied.
It was that night that as I was preparing for bed that I finally understood that my own bad behavior in my past was resurfacing its way into my present and future. I thought I had put away these bad behaviors, but I only masked it so that I could be the “best wife” to my husband.
Without acknowledging the life I used to live, I cannot continue to make my husband happy. I also realized that not only did I need to forgive myself and my ex in order to move forward; I needed to apologize to those I have wronged.
There needs to be reconciliation in order for there to be a new creature. The word declares, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19). Without Christ’s reconciliation to the world, we would not have the opportunity of eternal life. Without the reconciliation of my past, I would not have the opportunity of an eternal marriage.
So, as I stared at myself I saw all of my faults and flaws and I said, “I am sorry.” Not only to myself and to God, but to my ex who had to endure the things I did to him, to those I hurt for my own selfish gain, and to my husband who had to try to decipher all of my mood swings and bad feelings because I never let go of my past.
Modern day technology has made it easy to connect with long lost friends, family members, and has even made it convenient to meet new friends. Unfortunately, it has also made it ridiculously easy to share EVERY aspect of our lives with the entire world. There once was a time we didn’t need to know what you ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sadly, that day has sailed. Being that social media sites aren’t equipped with an “What Not to Post Manual,” I thought I’d share a few tips:
1. Don’t Vent–
No one wants to see your overly emotional posts every other day! Social media is no place for your relationship or personal problems; that’s what friends are for. Constant venting portrays instability.
2. Don’t post compromising material–
To me, social media tells your story. You can literally tell who a person is by scrolling through their timeline. Take a look through your timeline, what are you portraying?
3. Keep some things to yourself–
The whole world doesn’t need an update on your every move. I get a good laugh every time someone posts “I hate people in my business,” but they’ve shared their lunch with them for the past 90 days, or statuses about their “deadbeat” baby daddy that they just posted a picture of “date night” with a week prior. News flash! Whatever you post on social media is no longer YOUR business, it now becomes ours.
4. Don’t “throw shade”-
So, your significant other is getting on your nerve? Well, that doesn’t mean you need to go post “When I’m gone he/she will know how good they had it”. If you have a problem, be mature and address it with the individual PRIVATELY.
5. KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP PRIVATE-
No matter what your status is, don’t invite the millions on Facebook in. Single? No need to post every date, every lonely night, or every “wasted outfit.” Courting? Every post doesn’t have to be about how he/she is your sun, moon, and stars! Married? No need to include us in every major decision you make! I’m an advocate for the element of surprise!
Short and simple, and yet for some, so complicated! Remember, social media is used to help us connect with other people, not burden our fellow followers with our everyday highs and lows. Before hitting “post”, ask yourself “What purpose will this serve?”
XOXO,
Shan
The other day my wife and I had a disagreement about an issue caused by miscommunication. In the heat of the moment, we both were very upset with one another and we both made statements that were unnecessary. After I apologized, she forgave me, and she also apologized for her role in the argument, we both looked at each other saying, “What were we even arguing about?”
It is so easy to forget things when emotions start raging. My wife and I have made it a rule that after having an argument, we go back to God’s word to refresh ourselves as to why He created marriage. It is these reminders that help us to press pass hard points in our marriage and remember the original purpose of it.
Gary Thomas, the author of Sacred Marriage, explains in his book, “God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution to raise children. He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to His own eternal, spiritual existence.”
Everything we do is first for the glory of God. He then goes on to say, “How can we use the challenges, joys, struggles and celebrations of marriage to draw close to God? What if God designed marriage to make us both happy and holy?”
Here is what the bible says about God’s purpose of marriage.
- Companionship: “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” (Genesis 2:18, NLT)
- Godly Children: “Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to your wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:15, NLT)
- Reflect and Glorify God: “As the scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his Father and Mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.” (Ephesians 5:31-32, NLT)
John piper states, “The most ultimate thing we can say about marriage is that it exists for God’s glory. That is, it exists to display God. Now [after looking at the passage in Ephesians] we can see how: Marriage is patterned after Christ’s covenant relationship to the church. And therefore the highest meaning and most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and his church on display. That is why marriage exists.”
- Sexual Fulfillment: “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4, NLT)
- Sanctification: “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot for wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.” (Ephesians 5:25-27, NLT)
“For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24, NLT)
Reb Bradley breaks it down so well by saying, “God’s primary intention for marriage, is not what most of us imagine it to be. He has not designed marriage as a place where we can finally try to get our needs met [through a functional purpose or fashioned marriage merely as an illustration]. He has created it as something much better –something far grander than that. God intends to use marriage to accomplish a very important goal – one that is His primary goal for all Christians.” God’s primary purpose for marriage is to use it to help shape us into the image of His Son.
