Categories
Category: Engaged
Guest Writer: Marymagdaline C. Mouton
Marriage is so much different than what It thought it would be like during my engagement. The engagement season is continued preparation for a lifetime of commitment to God and your spouse. The moment you say “I Do,” no matter how prepared you believe you are, tests and trials will come their way that you would not have even imagined.
That is the part of the beauty of marriage. As our pastor said at our wedding ceremony, “your marriage begins when the blinds close and it is just the two of you.” In those moments, who are you? One thing you will come to recognize is that your spouse is a direct reflection of who you are in that moment. It is like looking in the mirror. All your faults, your flesh, and spirit will also be seen in your spouse.
In Genesis 3:16-17 NLT it says:
16 “Then he said to the woman,
“I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy,
and in pain you will give birth.
And you will desire to control your husband,
but he will rule over you.[c]”
17 And to the man he said,
“Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree
whose fruit I commanded you not to eat,
the ground is cursed because of you.
All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it.”
Eve’s fleshly desires, her choice to follow the serpent and not the teachings of God, led her to eat the fruit. She looked at her husband and offered him the fruit and he accepted. As Eve looked at her husband, she too was looking at herself in the mirror. This is because her fleshly desires for wisdom encouraged both herself and Adam to eat the fruit, and in turn become aware of both good and evil, disobeying God.
This is why it is so important to be self-aware and keep God first in our lives. For when we do this unto ourselves, it will be reflected unto our spouses. When a man and woman become yoked together in marriage, they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). This flesh operates together, and how we wield our flesh, whether in truth and light in God or not, affects our husbands in every way.
This means every time we lash out at our husbands, when we are quick to anger, or disrespectful, we must first look at ourselves. We should not think “it is HIS fault I am mad, or it is his fault we didn’t do (fill in the blank), because HE was not doing what he was supposed to do as a husband.” Instead, our first response should be “what is it that I am doing? How are my words, thoughts, flesh, and lack of attention to self affecting my marriage and husband? Is he only showing me who I am being in that moment?” That isn’t to say that every disagreement, test or challenge is your fault, rather that we are connected to our spouses as one, so why should a test or challenge be your husband’s to go through and not yours. He reflects you in every way.
Tips:
- Stay focused on your path and purpose. Your husband can become your biggest supporter and advocate if he understands your unique purpose together.
- Keep prayer and alone time with God a priority in your everyday life.
- Submit to God, and cast fleshly desires unto the Lord.
- Love your husband fiercely, and show him your love in all that you do.
Born and raised in Virginia, with deep Kenyan roots, Marymagdaline has always considered herself a lover of two homes, one in East Africa and the other in Virginia. A recent graduate from the University of Virginia with a Bachelors of Arts in African and African American Studies and Foreign Affairs with an African Concentration, she now lives in the Washington, DC area. She has a passion for young women and girls and has traveled to Trinidad, Australia, Dominican Republic, Kenya, India, and Europe to volunteer and connect with women across the globe. Her blog www.marymagdalinecmouton.com seeks to help and minister to young people through her life experiences and the word of the Lord. She is married to her wonderful husband, and they both seek to help others through their respective careers.
Guest Writers: Calandra Thompson & Culus Ellerton Williams II
Calandra: Ladies and Gentleman, most of us who are honest with ourselves in our single season desire to have a mate. We don’t know when it’s going to happen, but we keep the faith that it’s going to happen. Many of us pray for God to send us Mr. Right or Mrs. Right!
What do you do after God sends you this God-fearing man or woman?
This is not time to get comfortable and forget what God has done for you. I’m telling you now, this is prayer closet time. When God is in the midst of bringing two individuals together, the enemy is going to be on his job full-time. The enemy’s job is to kill, steal and destroy God’s people.
The best advice I can give you is to pray for and with your mate that God has placed in your life.
Culus: An older gentleman approached me while attending a church function recently. He said, “C.J., I can tell that you and your lady are pretty much official.” I laughed and nodded. My reply, “Yes we are!” He looked at me square in my eye and asked me “Are you all praying with each other?” From my silence to his question, he could tell that the answer was “NO”.
Ever since then, Calandra and I have made it a priority to pray with each other and it has made a difference in our relationship. As we pray with each other, I’ve noticed that the real issues our spirits encounter are addressed at that moment. It’s like our spirits join hands in prayer along with our physical hands.
I also noticed as we pray with and for each other, we speak life into each other’s lives. We speak victory and relief over every issue that may be troubling our spirits. It’s like our spirits had been waiting to join each other in prayer for so long that when they meet in prayer, they began to pour into each other as if they’ve found a long lost friend.
God’s word says, Matthew 18:20 (KJV) For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. We as a couple usher the presence of the Lord into our individual lives, but also into our relationship. We know that where the presence of the Lord is welcomed, there will be an abundance of love, joy and peace.
As we pray together our relationship is strengthened and empowered by the Holy Ghost that resides in each of us. It is a blessing to have someone willing to bow before God in worship to pray with and for you. Prayer should occur daily in your relationship. We pray via text message and over the phone, but the best one is joining hands in prayer. So, we encourage every couple whether courting or married, to pray with each other and watch how God blesses your relationship!
Culus Ellerton Williams II and Calandra Thompson are both devoted to Jesus Christ and their families. They both recently accepted the call to preach the gospel. They have a passion to spread the gospel to all that will hear. They enjoy encouraging and inspiring people to know more about Jesus Christ. They’re both ministry leaders at Christian Chapel Temple of Faith in Dallas, TX. Their hobbies are writing, dancing, singing and spending time with family.
Keep Watch over your heart, it’s where life starts Proverbs 4:23 (MSG)
For those who knew me as a child, they’d say I was extremely jovial, always cracking jokes, loved having fun, in addition to being extremely compassionate! I loved to see people smile, and would do everything in my power to contribute to the happiness of other’s. Well, right around junior year of high school that began to change, it got worse in college, but in grad school my old personality began to resurface once more.
What happened within those 6 years? I know now that I offered my God-given gifts to those who abused it. No matter how much they misused me and my gifts, I continued to offer them. Eventually, I began to despise who God created me to be. At that time I blamed God, “If you would have never made me this way, I wouldn’t be so hurt”.
The one situation that hurt me the most occurred in college. My grandfather passed in February of 2009, afraid of being by myself, I requested the presence of the guy I was dating. He came to my dorm (one floor away) for what seemed like 30 minutes and complained the entire time, “Can I leave?” “Do you still need me up here?” I let him leave. But, I remember when he was having a hard time with his parents divorce. I jumped in my car and drove 45 minutes to make sure he wasn’t alone. And, that’s only one of many examples. Slowly but surely, the mistreatment of those in my life turned me into a cold-hearted young lady. I now associated compassion with weakness, and jovialness as a “joke”.
It wasn’t until graduate school that I grew tired of being mean, unhappy, and living a life unfulfilled! I knew that wasn’t the life God created me to live simply because it was hard to maintain! As we know, God’s burden is light and his yoke is easy; for me there was nothing easy about being mean and melancholy. As time progressed, the more I worshiped, the more I felt what wasn’t mine (meanness and a lack of compassion) lift off of me. Oh, and it feels amazing to be the person God created me to be once more.
Of all of this, I’ve learned to protect my God-given gifts in any and every relationship, both romantic and non-romantic. When dating, be sure to date those who sharpen your gifts, not stifle them. As a therapist to adolescent, a CEO of a mentoring organization, and servant in ministry, its impossible to thrive without a smile and compassion. It’s almost as if the enemy saw what my future was comprised of, so he did his best to shut it down; his weapon of choice….dating. Don’t allow your desire for companionship to kill the very thing you were created for.
Be encouraged and protect your gifts at any cost!
Shannon C Colar
Lovebyencouragement.com
It’s very common for teachers, coaches, and parents to impress upon their children the power of belief. A child that believes in his or herself opens their minds up to the possibilities of achieving greatness. It is in this vein that Proverbs reminds us that as a man thinks, so is he. With that in mind, we as men can’t just turn on the husband gene. We have to enter into a process to get ready. A series of mental, spiritual, and emotional steps must be taken before “she” can be taken.
So, I will share with you 4 Ways to Prepare to Become a Husband before You’re Married:
1. Get your health in order.
You first owe it to God, then everyone else. Scripture says that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. It would shows utter reverence and gratitude to the Lord to take care of your body! As a result of establishing a healthy lifestyle before marriage, you will set the example for your future wife and children and lead them to greatness in a healthy lifestyle.
2. Have a life plan!
Some say it is ideal that a man be “established” (whatever that means) before getting married. I have a different perspective on that: have a plan. Being a man with a plan, shows that you are calculated, focused, and have vision. Having everything already “figured out”, often times, doesn’t leave room for the input of your fiancee/wife.
3. Have a system of accountability
Let’s face it…sometimes we, as men, can be dumb. It’s in our DNA. When our less than perfect moments arise, we need a system of accountability in place that will check us and help steer us back on the path of our plan. We are told, in Proverbs, that our plans can succeed with many counselors. A trustworthy accountability system will keep you sharp, show your potential wife that you are not above correction, and that you can answer to someone.
4. Set defined boundaries
Boundaries are needed in all relationships, but they need to be forged even more in a marriage. Setting safe, healthy, and defined boundaries before you’re married will diminish the possibility of outsiders overreaching when you are happily married. Additionally, it can help facilitate the conversation about family’s and friend’s boundaries. Fellas, the game night has to be put in its place. Mom, can’t be the first one you tell about your day. The principle of “leave and cleave” applies to all relationships that were in place before your marriage. You don’t have to stop them, but they need to be put in their proper secondary/tertiary place.
Gentlemen, the list could go on, but start with these. This will set you on a healthy path to begin journey on becoming a husband.
The idea of an exceptional marriage is a fleeting thought for many people. To be exceptional at anything takes a different mindset and usually a different type of intentional journey compared to others. I want to encourage you to be determined and dedicated to having an exceptional marriage.
First, I think it is important to ponder the following statement:
A fool doesn’t know they are a fool.
People that act foolishly rarely know or willingly admit they are a fool while they are participating in the foolish behavior. It is only after time that they can look back and maybe admit they were foolish.
I am always wondering if the way I am thinking, responding, acting, working is foolish or not.
I think that people who know they can, at any time, be acting like a fool in their marriage have a shot at living in the exceptional marriage. It is with an attitude of humility–a willingness to see and hear the truth–that your spouse and your Creator can speak into your life.
Let’s look at 6 elements of an exceptional marriage:
1. Realizing you can’t have it all
I am an average golfer. I used to be a lot better when I was young as I used to golf several times a month. I now golf twice a year on average. You could tell me that I could be an incredible golfer if I put the time in, which may be true, but I am not going to put the time in.
I think one of the most damaging ideas to the exceptional marriage is that you can have it all. Couples that can have an exceptional marriage, an amazing family, and stellar careers are in the far minority. I know there are certain people who live the exception. People may think I’m in that category as I work a full time job, a part-time youth pastor, married, have 3 kids, and in graduate school. But, my wife and I both know our limitations. We give our best to the responsibilities and opportunities we have, but we may never be exceptional at it all. I tell people that I am a average youth pastor and an average student right now. Something is going to suffer when juggling all the roles I have, and I will not allow my marriage or family to take the hit.
If you are maxed out in your time and financial commitments, talk to your spouse about cutting something. When our first child came along, we chose to prioritize what we dreamed of for our family over the status of having a nicer, more impressive home. We didn’t want to live enslaved to huge debt, and Alisa wanted to be able to stay home with the children. Our modest 1031 square home was the perfect start to our ideal. Today I was driving my 2002 car into a parking full of Cadillac’s and Mercedes. I decided to not have it all with the car so that we could allocate more money towards family bonding experiences.
Don’t buy into the lie you can have it ALL, because for the vast majority of people it is not possible. Be free of thinking you need to have it all. Focus on the things you have determined are important and critical, and then put your time and money into those things instead of stuff.
2. Sacrifice with a smile
I rode the school bus for 13 years. When I was in elementary school we sat in the front of the bus and the senior high students always sat in the back of the bus. I couldn’t wait until I was in senior high so I could sit in the back. I thought it was a privilege to sit in the back. Here is a thought, why didn’t us Senior Highers allow the freshmen to sit in the best seats?
One University I know of allows the freshmen to have the best seats in the student section right behind the vistors bench so they can yell the whole time. What a great tradition they have of giving the freshmen the best seats!
What if us men were like Baylor Univerity and gave our wife the best? Men, if you want to have an exceptional marriage, you need to sacrifice for your wife often and consistently. She is your one-of-a-kind, priceless gift.
If she likes vanilla ice cream and you like chocolate, buy the vanilla.
If she likes to have coffee early in the morning, go to the coffee shop early with her.
If she needs help, ask her what she needs and exceed what she asked for.
If you usually pick out the movie, start letting her choose.
Start to sacrifice more often and you will find yourself in a exceptional marriage.
3. Your sole mate
I believe it is possible to be married to your sole mate. Yes, you read that correctly. I did not say soul mate, but your sole mate.
One of the elements of a exceptional marriage is the singular affection and attention you give just to your wife.
The declarative statements you made on your wedding day are needed just as much today as then. Tell your wife frequently that you would chose her all over again.
Let her see by your eyes that she is the apple of your eye.
Let her know by your words that there is no one else like her.
Several years ago, you told your wife that you would be with her till death do you part. Tell her again. In fact keeping telling her that she is your sole mate and there won’t be another one in your life.
4. The 6th love language: Confrontation
Gary Chapman’s landmark book, The Five Love Languages, enlightened so many couples on the 5 main ways to express and receive love.
When most people hear the word confrontation, it brings feelings of negativity, not love. But, confrontation isn’t a negative thing when it’s wrapped in gentleness or comfort. Whether it’s correcting children, or needing to talk to a coworker or friend to address something wrong, we will all need to bring comfortation to others in our lives at some point. Yes, comfort-ation is the word I use to help me in making sure I bring wisdom and comfort in the midst of a wrong, instead of a self-righteousness attitude.
We must have the same attitude in marriage.
If you love your spouse, one of the ways you many need to show love to them is to confront them on something they may be doing that has the potential to hurt them or those around them. Most people run away from correction, but we must realize what the Bible says, that wounds from a friend can be trusted. Correction helps you grow. Receive the comfort of their love in this way. They can be trusted.
The book of wisdom says, “Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you.” Last night my wife confronted me in a loving, comforting way. I was sharing a prideful opinion and she brought it to my attention to make sure that I was not getting into the ditch of pride. I loved it.
Do you lovingly confront your spouse? Guys, does your wife do that to you? The next time she confronts you, tell her that you love her even more because she is helping you become a better man.
5. Remember why you were first drawn to each other.
One of the qualities in my wife that first drew me to her was her contentment. She could be happy, joyful, and at peace praying in a field or taking a nature walk. I loved that simplicity.
I am quite the opposite. I find joy, happiness, and peace doing lots of productive activities.
Do you see the potential for error in my last statement? To me, a full schedule often equals productivity (and vice versa). I sometimes think of simplicity and productivity as opposites. I naturally think people who are doing lots of stuff are productive, and those who favor a simple more relaxed schedule are unproductive. I can think that someone like my wife is being unproductive by simply enjoying nature, journalling, etc. That is what can happen when you forget why you were first drawn to each other.
Men, remember why you were first drawn to your wife and thank God that she is that way. Don’t try to change who she is at the core. If you loved her spontaneity when you first met, realize that she will be spontaneous, and no matter what you do–she may not ever be as structured as you.
If you were drawn to her take charge attitude, don’t get irritable years later when she still wants to take the lead in certain ways. It’s part of who she was made to be.
6. Dates
If you have more dates with Monday Night Football than you do with your wife in the fall, then you have a problem.
If you have more dates with the X-Box, golf course, or the Game of Thrones, then you have a problem.
Instead, go on a weekly date so your marriage stays fresh and exceptional. There are countless ways to go on dates that cost no money or are very inexpensive.
What night/afternoon is the best time for both of you to go on a date? Text your wife right now if you don’t have anything planned and tell her you want to take her out on ________ night.
Bonus Element
Another element of the exceptional marriage is to encourage your spouse to go to activities and events that make them come alive. My wife goes to a women’s conference in Dallas every year. My church also had a women’s conference this year. My initial thinking was that she choose one conference this year and not do both.
But, she wanted to do both.
I said go and do both.
Men, if you want your marriage to thrive, then encourage your spouse to attend things that make they come alive.
It is worth it.
If you do these elements, you will continue to have that rare exceptional marriage.
Question: What night are you taking your wife out this week?
I grew up in a semi Christian home where my mom was a strong believer, but my dad was just a really good man with no desire to go to church. This produced within me a very hypocritical Christian. I said and did one thing in church order to keep my mom happy, but lived a complete different lifestyle outside of the church.
This hypocritical spirit also followed me into my dating life. I said one thing, and actually did something completely different. I ended up getting caught up in a relationship where I began to compromise with a lot of my already preset standards. Yes, even as a man I had standards for myself. This relationship really helped me to see where my heart was with God.
It was from this relationship that God spoke to me and said, “Jamal, If you continue compromising now you will compromise for the rest of your life”.
This was a MAJOR turning point in my relationship with God and also my relationship with women.
After that relationship, I didn’t involve myself with another serious relationship for 5 years as I allowed God to really deal with my heart.
The next serious relationship I got into would be with my now wife. When we started dating, I was determined to do it “God’s Way” and be “pure”. But, as we grew closer all of this was questioned and the age old question came up. How far is really too far to be considered “pure?”
Is holding hands too far?
Is kissing too far?
Is being alone in the car too far?
Is cuddling too far?
Is looking into each other’s eyes too far?
Is laying in the bed with your clothes and lights on too far?
What is really TOO FAR?
I asked God this because I seriously wanted to honor him, but I quickly realized that the standards we set were always so easily manipulated. I stumbled upon two verses that really helped me shape my thinking:
- “Someone may say, “I’m allowed to do anything,” but not everything is helpful. I’m allowed to do anything, but not everything encourages growth.” 1 Corinthians 10:23
- “The pure in heart shall see God.”Matthew 5:8
These verses helped me to see that even though others may say, “oh its cool you can do that, but just be careful with this” that it opens the door for legalism and gray confusing areas. Purity is not a line to be crossed, it’s a posture of the heart.
The second verse I mentioned says, the pure in heart shall see God. If at all times we kept our minds focused on God, versus focusing on how far we can go without crossing the line, then we actually will stay on the right path towards honoring God.
My wife and I didn’t focus on crossing lines, but rather honoring God with every decision we made. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Did we have weak moments? Absolutely yes. We were blessed to experience our first kiss after we got engaged, and waited until our wedding night to have sex. Did we do it perfectly, nope. But, we did our best to keep our hearts pure before God and thousands have been blessed by our story.
My desire to maintain physical boundaries was an outward expression of my heart’s desire to honor God and stay away from compromise.
Stop focusing on the line, and start focusing on honoring God, and I guarantee you things will become a lot more clearer in your pursuit to be holy and pure in your relationship.
On Thursday, we will be hosting a FREE Webinar for singles and courting couples. It would be a great opportunity for you to learn the steps that need to be taken to have a successful Godly courtship.
Click here to join us.
Arguing is already hard enough on a couple, let alone all the unhealthy patterns and characteristics in arguments that I have seen and witnessed that make it even harder. As a matter of fact, researcher John Gottman has identified 6 characteristics, that if not dealt with, often lead to divorce. Here are some of those characteristics:
1. Harsh Start ups– If you start the conversation or the conflict harshly, it will end harshly. When couples use a lot of criticism, accusations and even sarcasm in their conflicts, it can lead to the conflict becoming overblown and more complicated than it should have been.
2. Flooding- This is when you come “at” your spouse with harsh criticism, yelling or even issues that they had believed were taken care of in the past. When you flood your spouse with all sorts of emotions all at once, it can be hard for them to process, communicate and understand what you need.
3. Body Language- When there is a lot of emotions involved, people tend to become defensive or tend to withdraw. The body posture someone exemplifies communicates whether or not they want to continue to be engaged in the conversation or not. Unresponsive, defensive or nonchalant body language tends to make the other person more upset, heightening the conflict.
4. Bad memories- When couples can not get over past issues, they tend to view their spouse and their relationship through a negative lens. Those lenses impact our response, and even our engagement in the relationship. It is important to remove any negative lenses and learn how to see your spouse in a new light after difficult seasons.
5. Stonewalling- Stonewalling is refusing to repair an issue in the relationship. If a couple is constantly unable to resolve an issue, it can cause hopeless, withdrawal, and can ultimately lead to separation.
6. The four horsemen. Gottman identifies four characteristics that if the occur continuously and in conjunction with one another in a relationship can ultimately lead to the couple disintegrating. The four characteristics are contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. These are things we must work to remove from our relationships.
Yes, we all have flaws and faults and are not perfect when it comes to interacting in a relationship. However, these 6 characteristics should be something we constantly attempt to avoid and remove altogether from the way we communicate in order to avoid the destruction of trust and a healthy relationship. Learning to healthily and respectfully interact with your spouse can truly save your marriage and make it unbreakable.
Guest Writer: Amanda Beckham
As you approach your wedding day, you will get lots of advice – whether it is about the actual day, or how to keep a healthy marriage. Below is a compilation of the best advice I received or wish I would have, as I prepared for what was ahead of me.
To my friend, the bride:
1. Make each other a priority. As you enter into this new season, you are going to learn a lot – about yourself, about your spouse, and how you will work together in your marriage. Your first year of marriage is said to be the most important, as it is the laying of a foundation for how you will continue to move together. Know that after you say, “I do,” comes a lot of changes in your friendships and relationships. I want to challenge you to evaluate who you are going to for support -make your spouse number one in your life. Allow him to be your go-to for the issues or frustrations in your life. He needs to know that you respect his opinion and trust him to speak into areas where you sought outside counsel before.
2. Communication is key. A phrase that is often overused as advice going into marriage. So often this is spoken, but most don’t offer suggestions on how to improve it. Remember: men are not mind-readers! Here are a couple strategies that we have found useful in our marriage.
1. Check in with your spouse on a regular basis. Understand that most men are not natural communicators and need a little encouragement to open up and really talk about their day or what is bothering them. My husband and I put aside time every Sunday night to talk about the previous week and if there is anything we can do to better serve the other or love them better. We also use this as a time to talk about anything that has been bothering us. Knowing that we have a dedicated time each week allows for open communication and a safe time to bring up something up to avoid things creating bitterness or wedges between the two of us.
2. If something is bothering you, don’t keep it in. Withholding how you feel about a situation tends to lead up to bottled emotions, often turning it into something bigger than it was meant to be. Sharing with your spouse where you are at may offer a new perspective or a new affirmation that you are not the only one feeling that way. It allows you to be honest with your spouse and creates room for growth.
3. Let him know your expectations. Whether it is housework, budgeting, chores, dinner, pr how you manage your household – it is not fair for you to get upset with your spouse if you don’t let him know how you need his support. Women are planners! Many times men don’t realize that you need help, or it isn’t second nature to them to step up and ask if they can help you with something. If you need help, just let them know! You will find this provides better results and prevents pointless arguments that spawn out of frustration.
4. If you like something in the bedroom, you have to let him know! Figuring out your sex life may take a little work, and may not come as natural as you think. Let me tell you, this is perfectly normal! It is not rocket science to figure out that for the most part, men get more pleasure from sex than women. In order to improve the experience for the both of you, I want to encourage you to talk to your spouse about the things you like/don’t like, and if you are bored with what you are doing, switch it up! A fulfilling sex life is going to take work, and you only get out of it what you put in!
3. Dream with your spouse; give your marriage purpose. At the base of your marriage, remember why the two of you came together in the first place and what you stand for. If you do not have vision for your marriage, the two of you will struggle to find definition of your future together. Make goals, talk about your dreams, decide what you want to accomplish together. It will give you a plan for where you want to go.
4. Manage conflict in a healthy way. As women, we all know it is way easier to be dramatic and expect our husbands to be the one come in and apologize in the situation. Chances are, you and your spouse communicate differently when it comes to conflict. Discuss with your husband how each of you prefer to manage conflict, and develop a way you can compromise and meet in the middle. My husband likes to talk things out on the spot, and I like to leave the room and think about how I want to respond. A compromise for us has been to set a time when we will talk about a resolution for our argument and to come back together and discuss what happened. This has given me the chance to think about what I want to say, and him a guarantee that I will be the one to address the situation at a specified time since I was the one who chose to walk away from the situation at the time.
Just know – it is NOT worth drawing out a fight simply for the sake of being right. Don’t go to bed angry, it’s not worth it. And never call each other bad names or talk poorly about each other – specifically to your friends and family. This paints a tainted picture of your spouse to the closest people around you and involves other people in your mishaps that are not their business. Keep your relationship matters private, with the exception of mentors or trusted individuals that you can rely on and go to for advice.
5. Learn how to serve, and encourage him. The first thing I learned in my marriage was how selfish and stubborn I was. Try shifting your focus off your needs, and reevaluate how you can do more for him on a daily basis. How does he want to receive love, and how can you grow in that? Take extra time to build his confidence up as a leader. Show him that you trust him and respect what he has to say. But most of all, encourage him to be the man he is called to be. Make sure you allow him room to grow and take interest in his interests. He loves them, and he loves you, so getting to share them with you is very exciting for him.
Sometimes that means getting involved in something you are not interested in, but you may be surprised how the sacrifice on your behalf can lead to a renewed joy in your relationship.
My husband is extremely passionate about CrossFit, and as much as I hated it and resisted it for a long time, I realized I was keeping him from doing something he loved and making a big deal out of something that was not necessary. Letting my pride down and taking part in this activity with him has allowed us to grow in it together and has helped me to realize how much it really meant to him. I realized I was smothering the person he was and kept him from being himself out of my selfishness and pride. Since joining the gym, I have been able to watch him excel and accomplish his fitness goals and we have been able to cultivate a community of friends we didn’t have prior. Try this in your marriage and I promise you won’t regret it. So I challenge you, step into his world. Sometimes a perspective switch is all you need.
I hope this advice sincerely helps you be more prepared to have an unbreakable marriage; I know that is helped me!
Amanda Beckham is an Analyst from Lobmard, IL. She is the proud wife of Steven Beckham and a recent graduate of Olivet Nazarene University. In her free time she enjoys photography, working out, and any activity under the sun or at the beach. She is an aspiring blogger, and strives to help other young couples set their marriage up for a success.
Guest Writer: Steven Beckham
You’re getting married soon and whether you feel ready or not, you’re probably not. I thought I was ready, but there is quite a bit that I wasn’t adequately prepared for. Hopefully these words will help you lay the foundation for an unbreakable marriage.
To my friend, the groom:
1. Happy wife, happy life. I know you’ve probably heard it before, but making this a priority is key to having a great marriage. You will find that the best thing you can do to bring you joy in your marriage is to make her happy. Compliment her frequently, and she won’t go looking for those words of affirmation elsewhere. Please her in bed, and your sex life will excel. Also, understand that you are not king of the bed yet.
Sex does not come as easy as you’ve probably dreamed it would. It takes time and practice, but learn what she likes and make it a habit to please her first. If she’s not enjoying it, you won’t enjoy it, and sex will become a burden for both of you. Always be looking for ways to make her fall more in love with you, in and out of the bedroom. In every facet of your married life, make pleasing her your primary concern, and you will find that both of you are extremely satisfied.
2. Start praying now about how you will grow together spiritually. This became a pain-point in our marriage very quickly. Neither of us has ever had a real issue growing a relationship with God on our own. Throw another human being in the mix, however, and everything changes. Yes, you still have your own individual relationships with God, but finding ways to grow together in Christ can be challenging, especially when two leaders come together with different ways of worshipping and with different spiritual disciplines.
This is arguably the most important part of your marriage. Start somewhere, and let it grow. Go through a devotional book together. Read through Scripture together. Pray together. Pray over one another. Put on music and dance around the house together. Try new things, find what you enjoy doing together, and stick with it. You’re not just an individual anymore; the two become one!
3. Find your way of bonding. My wife and I have discovered that we love watching TV shows together, especially ones that give us a good laugh. Right now, we’re both really into Parks and Recreation. We watch an episode almost every night as a way to relax, spend time together, and create inside jokes.
We often find ourselves quoting it throughout the day and making each other laugh, even if no one else knows what we’re talking about. And if one of us isn’t home, we don’t watch it. It’s not an individual thing; it’s our thing. This has created many great moments in our marriage. Whether it’s watching a TV show together, running together, shopping together, or something else, discover what you and your wife both enjoy doing, and do it together.
4. Get away from the screens. Obviously, watching a show together does not apply. If you are bonding, screens are fair game. But nowadays, whether it’s a cell phone, a TV, a computer, or a tablet of some kind, it’s so easy to use up any and all free time staring at a screen.
Let your wife know that she’s more important than who you’re texting or what you’re doing. Otherwise, you are teaching her to resent whatever or whoever she is competing with for your attention. I’m not telling you to throw away your phones and computers, but if you spend more quality time on your phone than you do with your wife, you are setting your marriage up for some long-term issues.
5. Do what she loves. When my wife and I were dating, she told me there were three things she couldn’t picture her life without: country music, Blackhawks hockey, and boating. At the time, I hated country music, hockey was boring to me, and boating made me sick. But, in an attempt to make her happy, I gave them all a shot.
I didn’t want her to resent our marriage because it prevented her from doing the things she loved most. Now, we rock out to country music together on road trips, and I’m a bigger Blackhawks fan than she is. I even went with her to see two games this past season, one of them being game one of the Stanley Cup Finals. We’re still working on the boating thing. I will admit, I hate it less than I used to.
But the point is this: I joined her in her passions because I knew they made her happy, and I found that I liked most of them, too. Sometimes, you just need a new perspective. Other times, you just need to sacrifice.
I pray these words will help you feel more adequately prepared as your wedding day approaches, and I hope your marriage will be all you’ve dreamed it would be!
Steven is an Actuarial Analyst who currently works at Segal Consulting in downtown Chicago. He is the husband of Amanda Beckham and a graduate of Olivet Nazarene University where he participated in varsity baseball. He is an aspiring blogger, entrepreneur, and investor who is passionate about helping people grow in their faith in Christ and uncover their purpose.