Category: Engaged

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Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Single Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways Marriage Mentors Can Change Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do"

parents meeting girlfriend of their son at home

When I went to Christ for the Nations Institute, a Bible college based in Dallas, Texas, we heard a lot about mentors, or spiritual parents. One amazing man shared about a time that his spiritual father rebuked him for the way he spoke sharply to his exhausted, pregnant wife. I personally longed for a man of God to be a father to me as I answered the pastoral call on my life.
Mentoring is essentially discipleship.
Mentors serve so many purposes in our lives. Some may be there for life, other times a mentor is there for a specific reason or season. Whatever the purpose or length of time may be, mentors have forever changed our marriage by investing in us.
Once, in Bible college an older couple pulled Sarah and I aside and told us that they believed they had heard from the Lord about us. They then began to unpack half an hour’s worth of encouragement and prophetic words that helped pave the way for where we are heading, even today!
One of the most powerful times a couple mentored us was when we were preparing for our time on the mission field. We spent a week with this couple as they worked with us in experiencing areas of healing from old wounds, hearing God’s voice, and re-committing to ourselves to one another.
The Gifts Mentors Give
Mentors in any season are truly a gift from God, but as a dating couple, these mentors can be indispensable.
Here are three ways marriage mentors can produce life in your marriage before you’re married.
 
1.  They’ve been where you’re going. Mentors have experienced what you have or will experience, and they can help you avoid mistakes they made. One day, when my wife and I were “in talks” to have a relationship, we had a big fight. I stormed off and walked three miles to the house of an older couple that we knew and loved. When I told this couple about our fight, the husband, Bill, told me, “Daniel, I don’t know what to tell you. But Carlene and I have had our ‘spats’ too, and when we do, I talk to Jesus. Now, there’s a quiet room in the back. Go back there, pray, and listen. That’s what I do when we fight.” Funny. While he claimed to not have the answers, he gave me the answer. To this day, if Sarah and I have disagreements, I don’t go to people, I go to Christ. What a legacy this man left for me!
 2.  They can see what you can’t. Mentors have the privilege of objectivity. Mentors can look at your relationship without any bias. They can direct you when you’re lost, correct you when you’re wrong, and inspect you when you’re confused.
 3.  They give you something to strive for. Sarah and I have had some marriage mentors for life, and some for short seasons. No matter how long we have them pouring life into our marriage, we see a portrait of a beautiful marriage that we long to resemble, some day. These Godly men have modeled gentleness and delight toward their wives in front of me. These gracious wives have modeled patience and faith toward their husbands in front of my wife.
Because of the examples of Godly mentors in our dating season, we had a goal to aim for.
Oh, that we would distance ourselves from the selfie-obsession of our generation! May we learn to value the priceless treasures of wisdom found in others! Trust me: you do have more to learn.
Do you and your significant have marriage mentors?

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

Wifey Material or Nah?

If Proverbs 18:22 tells us “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, why do we believe wives are made after saying I do?
The scripture does not say he who finds a woman, then makes her his wife. Unmarried women let me encourage you today…..You don’t have to wait to be approached by a man before you are made into a wife! When you submit your life to the Lord and allow him to lead and guide you, he can teach you how to embody the characteristics of a wife!
Becoming a wife is not simply about being a great cook, being able to clean a house spotless or being able to bare children. Your qualifications of becoming a wife are not simply based on what the world say a wife is. After all, to the world many women with marriage certificates are wives. We see reality shows such as “Basketball Wives” or “Real Housewives of Atlanta” where the wives portrayed are half-dressed, spends money excessively, are always in drama, are rarely with their children, can’t cook, transfer from husband to husband based on who has the highest salary and are more concerned with being popular and the latest fashion than building their homes.
According to the book of Proverbs it takes more than a willing man, a ring, ceremony and a marriage certificate to become a wife. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a wife as a type of woman who…

  • has good character
  • is unselfish
  • is a nurturer
  • is good with money and knows how to multiply what she has
  • She is a provider and is good with her hands
  • she is respected and gives respect
  • she is productive and not lazy
  • she is a giver and knows how to serve others
  • she takes care of her appearance
  • she is full of wisdom
  • she knows how to watch her tongue
  • she is faithful
  • and most importantly she fears the Lord

Ladies, the next time you feel the desire to ask God for a husband, ask yourself first….”Am I am Wife?”
Let the word of God become your standard so he can make you ready for your future! When your future husband finds you, you don’t want him to just find a woman, but you want him to find a wife!

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Engaged Marriage

A High Calling: Loving My Wife, God's Princess

Cute loving couple is standing and embracing. They are holding a cup of coffee and smiling. The man is kissing a woman with love

A High Summon
Imagine this: you—a son of the Most High, a prince in God’s Kingdom—are summoned to the holy throne of God with a new assignment. He unveils a beautiful woman, pure and radiant. She is adorned in glorious white, clothed in His righteousness (Isaiah 61:10). He locks eyes with you and says, “Behold: your bride, My daughter. Love her and serve her as I have loved and served My Church. Help her to grow into the woman of righteousness I desire her to be.”
This may not have actually occurred in God’s physical Throne Room, but it occurred when you made a covenant.
Do you remember that feeling of terror after meeting your wife’s father or guardian for the first time? I sure do. My father-in-law is a pastor and he has a beautiful relationship with God, but I was sure he was praying that God would strike me dead!
My wife’s parents told me about the kind of man that they wanted for their daughter: a man who would lay down his life to provide for their daughter. A man who would love their daughter with holy and pure love. A man who would cover their daughter.
Do we honestly think that God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth and lover of your wife’s soul (and yours) wants anything less than the best worldly father’s standards?
Your wife is a princess. She is a daughter of the Most High. What mountains would you scale for a princess? What enemies would you fight off for a princess?
A Holy Calling
My marriage is a ministry. I am President and CEO of the ministry of “loving Sarah.” God called and ordained me from the foundation of Creation to be the guardian of this princess’s heart, and love her with everything within me.
How does one love a princess? By seeing the royalty underneath her humanity. My prayer is that I can see the greatness that the Lord deposited into my wife, and fight for her destiny through prayer and undying devotion. There is no one more postured in this princess’s life than her husband—her guardian and lover—to call out and nurture the greatness that lies beneath her earthly frame!
An Honorable Endeavor
When my wife’s parents granted me permission—with huge smiles, I might add—to marry their daughter, I walked away beaming. To put it simply, I was honored. I felt as if Heaven smiled upon me and granted me divine favor.Like an athlete receives a victor’s crown, I felt as though I had finished my course and earned a great reward.
Looking back at the last ten years, I can now see that the reward wasn’t in the permission granted, it has been the journey.
Husbands, God hand-picked you to steward His daughter‘s heart and life. What an honor!
At the end of the day, loving your princess is about discernment. It takes discernment to see God working in a difficult season. It takes discernment to rightly divide God’s truth in an atmosphere thick with deception.
It takes discernment to see anointing and princess-status of the woman you married.
Oh, God, grant us discernment that we may see your beautiful daughter as you do! Don’t let us see her through earth-bound eyes, but help us to catch glimpses of true riches deposited in the hearts of our wives.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Poisons That Don't Belong in Relationships

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Throughout life, it’s inevitable that our hearts and minds will take beatings in ways that can potentially have a negative effect on our view of ourselves and others. The problem is, when we allow those negative thoughts to reign over the reality of who God says we are, they can cause some serious damage in our relationships.
In order to maintain a thriving relationship – whether it’s a friendship, a relationship, marriage, or with a family member – I believe it’s incredibly important to recognize when you’ve allowed these ‘poisons’ into your life, and then get rid of them!
Here are five poisons that I have observed:

  1. Insecurities: Insecurities are incredibly easy to pick up. The truth is, an insecurity represents an area of your life that is not under the authority of God. Acknowledging insecurities that you carry is a good start to getting rid of them.  Then it’s important to pursue what God says about it, and let Him have the final say.
  2. Comparisons: The problem with comparisons is that they will never end once you start! Someone will always be more ____[fill-in-the-blank] than you. But there will never be anyone who has the exact combination of gifts, personality, appearance, history, and desires as you do! The world can’t have another human being exactly just like you, so why deprive them? Figure out what makes you unique and celebrate those qualities, instead of wishing you were like someone else. Otherwise, it is an open door for jealousy, shame and self-deprecation – all of which can wreak havoc on your relationships because you will only be able to love the other person according to how much you love yourself.
  3. Negative assumptions: Assuming the worst in someone will likely bring the worst out of them. Of course people are going to let you down. Of course people are going to fail. But if you continually expect the worst to happen you may create some false truths about the other, along with missing a lot of good that may be going on! In general, assuming the best has a way of raising the other to a higher standard, along with freeing yourself from worry, anxiety, frustration, etc.
  4. Fear: Fear causes us to make decisions that may not be rooted in wisdom or love. This can put a huge strain on relationships, especially when the other isn’t aware of fears you may struggle with. It’s important to keep your motivation in check. Ask yourself why you are making a decision. Are you afraid of what could happen if you don’t? Or is it because you are certain it is right for the circumstances you’re in?
  5. Lack of Vulnerability: It is impossible to deeply connect with another person if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Not expressing feelings or opening up can only last so long until it creates a tension in a relationship. Being vulnerable may be scary at times, but has a way of developing a safe place which in turn allows a relationship to progress. Without progression, relationships tend to just go backward or fall apart.Above all, relationships take work and being intentional! The more proactive you can be about not allowing these ‘poisons’ in your relationships, the more life-giving they will be.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage

Relationship Goals= Compatible Callings

Happy to be together. Handsome young man piggybacking beautiful woman and smiling while standing against grey background

Are we compatible?

Western Christian culture may or may not have adapted a “caste system,” in regards to what we know and identify as our calling. Some believe that their future spouse needs to perfectly align with their calling.
We see it all the time: Pastors should marry beautiful wives who can sing, pray, or teach children, right? Oh, and a guitar-playing, worship-leading guy needs to marry a piano-savvy woman.
Someone I know feels called to a particular field of world missions and insists that their future spouse have the same exact call to the same exact group of people. Is it wrong to desire someone like-minded and like-hearted? Of course not! But we probably don’t need to be so stringent about whom we allow into our inner circle of compatibility.

Two hearts, One Vision

In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul addresses the issue with regards to believers being “yoked” (bound, committed to) with unbelievers. But what about marriage between believers? Should people marry someone with the same vocational interests, or does this great mystery of calling go beyond the income source?
Do musicians have to marry musicians? No! But a person called to live in and minister in Ghana may encounter some friction if the person they are engaged to feels called to be a full-time library clerk in their northwestern Boston commonwealth.

Godly Vision

It is absolutely possible for a youth pastor and high school teacher to find love in one another. The crux of the issue is vision.
These five guidelines may help couples be compatible, blend their unique callings, and use them together for the Kingdom:

  1. Love for one another’s purpose. My wife has always been supportive of what I believe the Lord has created me to be. God’s call on an individual’s life far surpasses a job title. It has everything to do with who a person is called to be. I love my wife’s unique set of gifts, and she loves mine. We honor what God has chosen to deposit in one another.
  2. Ability to fit two distinct purposes into one marriage. There is a very Kingdom reason that the Lord brought you and your spouse together. My wife’s gift of music and leading others into God’s presence flows well with my gift of discipleship and mentoring. A couple does not need the same job description in order to flow in divine gifts together to benefit the Kingdom.
  3. No resentment when one succeeds. Some friends of ours are both musically gifted. The husband enthusiastically supported his wife as she pursued country music. Quietly in the background, the husband began writing songs to the Lord. Soon, the worldwide Church began to sing his songs. This loving wife celebrated her husband’s anointing without glaring disparagingly at her husband’s discovered anointing. Competition for prominence between spouses is unhealthy. Celebrate when your spouse gets promoted for his or her gifts.
  4. No “surprise callings.” Don’t wait until the honeymoon to tell your spouse, “Oh, by the way, hon, I believe the Lord wants me to travel to Mars in the first manned mission.” My wife and I joked about how wild our life together in ministry would be, and we have enjoyed the journey ever since!
  5. Able to move as one. It is also crucial to be able to flow, as one, in your life together. You don’t have to have the same career but know your gifts, where you’re going, and how to blend your unique gifts to accomplish the purpose for which the Lord has brought you together!

How do you and your spouse’s unique gifts complement one another?
 

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

2 Reasons Why Loving Someone is Hard, But Worth It

Black couple sitting on couch smiling

The great Nelson Mandela stated in one of his most noteworthy quotes, “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
Just because a person has the capacity to love doesn’t mean they have been taught how to do it. It’s very sad to see the rise of dysfunction and unhealthiness in relationships. The reason may very well be that many have not been taught how to love, to adequately love a person the way they deserve. Or, it could be simply that love is hard.
Then that brings us to the question, “What does love look like to you?” In what ways do you express love to others, and in what ways do you receive love. For me, love at its highest state, is expressed through relentless commitment.
Considering God is love, the one promise I know I can depend on is that He will never leave me for He is faithfully committed to me because he loves me. Now granted there are many other ways for love to be expressed from giving, physical intimacy, quality time spent, and many more.
And, that I believe is what makes love so challenging.
That we all give and receive love differently. I would like to present 2 reasons why I believe love is hard, but worth it.
1. It reveals your flaws.
No one wants to accept that they have issues. Even in job interviews one of the most popular questions is, “What are your strengths and weaknesses”? It never fails that we make our weaknesses still sound like strengths. Its just a challenge to be honest about our flaws. Well, this is one thing that makes love hard is that it reveals where we are lacking. My wife, who knows me better than anyone, has seen me at my best and my worse. Through the journey of loving her, she has also has seen a lot of my flaws. When you learn to accept someone for their flaws is when love becomes worth it.
2. It requires all of you.
When you came out of your mother’s womb the first thing you did was cry. That cry is because you are kick starting lungs because you need air, but you also are crying for food from your mom. This shows that our first initial reaction to this life is wanting from others. But, as you mature you will learn that love requires you to give of yourself to others. To turn off your wants and put your significant other before yourself. This becomes beautiful when two people both make it their highest goal to put the other before themselves. This is when love becomes a joy versus a burden.
Yes, love is hard, but when you begin to allow your significant other into the places no one else has access to which is your flaws, then the level of trust will cause the love to explode between you.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

The Truth Lemonade Revealed About Women Today

Prior to April 23, 2016, when we all heard the word “lemonade” I imagine that a picture of freshly squeezed, slightly-sweetened juice came to mind. However, after Beyoncé officially released her visual album entitled Lemonade, that word has now taken on a whole new meaning.
 
For me personally, Beyoncé’s Visual Album squeezed some lemon juice on old wounds, reminding me of the gut-wrenching pain I have experienced in past failed relationships. It also shined the spotlight on the current condition of many women’s hearts in America today.
 
Why did so many people love Lemonade? Because it showed us that Beyonce is a REAL person too, affected by the same pains and problems we humans experience. It made her appear touchable and realistic. We often forget that celebrities walk the same earth we do, and therefore experience the same struggles.  Lemonade gave women the opportunity to relate to her; it was as if for a moment she removed her superwoman cape and allowed us to sit on her bed while she poured out her deepest hurts and secrets.
 
It also revealed a much more mind-boggling reality – even America’s Pop Culture Queen: Queen Bey, can be cheated on. I have heard SO many men and women with eyebrows raised beg the question: “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CHEAT ON BEYONCE?!?!”
 
Although I do not celebrate the fact it happened, I praise her for her transparency. She may not even fully understand the lesson she taught – but what she really showed us all is this: Even Queen Bey herself cannot satisfy lust!
 
It doesn’t matter how pretty, sexually advanced/experienced/adventurous you are, how much money & power you possess, or how “wanted” you are by men, lust can NEVER be satisfied. Beyoncé is the icon of sex, beauty, body, power, independence, success, intelligence, and fame… and lust got bored with her too.
 
Any relationship that involves lust is DOOMED to fail from the beginning for one main reason: because lust is a bottomless pit – no matter how much you fill it, it will never be full. Many women are currently exhausted and devastated in relationships trying to satisfy an un-satisfiable lust.
 
The sad thing is that lust ALWAYS shows itself quickly, and the warnings signs are evident – so why is it that we ignore these warning signs and still end up in relationships with unfaithful, un-satisfiable men? Simple – we LOVE a good challenge.
 
We like to believe that we are the ultimate woman who can satisfy a man that has previously been unsatisfied. We like to think that we are superior to the women who have gone before us and tried to satisfy him.
 
Don’t believe me? If this wasn’t true the term “side chick” wouldn’t exist. A lot of women actually openly admit to preferring side chick status because they believe that makes them the one he really “wants,” versus the one he is “stuck” with.
 
However, what we fail to realize is at one point SHE was the one he wanted, or he wouldn’t have MARRIED HER. The very fact that he is willing to entertain a side chick, exemplifies his inability to be satisfied.
 
As women, we have to do better than this. I think Lemonade really tore the veil off of a BIG issue that has become common practice, acceptable, and normal in America – it’s not if you will be cheated on, but when. I know a lot of women who allow their boyfriend/fiancé/husband to cheat on them because they claim it’s unrealistic to expect anything more in 2016.
 
I disagree. It DOES NOT and SHOULD NOT be like that. But, the hard truth is, IF it is like that – the warning signs were there and you probably ignored them. Most likely for 1 of 2 reasons:
1. You thought you were the super woman that could make him be faithful
or
2. You don’t believe you are worth more than that.
 
Lemonade was hard to swallow, especially being a woman who has experienced every step of the pain Beyoncé outlined in her visual album. But, there was one great truth we all could, and should, learn from – if EVEN Queen Bey herself cannot satisfy lust, then men don’t cheat because you aren’t pretty enough, good enough, experienced enough, or desirable enough. They cheat because of lust.
 
It would be unrealistic to expect to find a perfect man or end up in a perfect marriage. However, the standard is only low because we as women refuse to raise the bar. Lust is not very good at hiding, it usually leaves a sloppy bread crumb trail of warning signs like wandering eyes, promiscuity, indecision, and refusal to commit… and if you choose to follow the bread crumbs willingly all the way to “I do,” then it will only be a matter of time before you are sipping on lemonade too.
 
As women, it’s our job to make sure that lust is not something we teach our friends and daughters is acceptable by accepting it ourselves. We need to stop being side chicks and stealing other women’s husbands. We need to stop ignoring the blatantly obvious warning signs. We need to know our value. We need to choose better. We need to stop drinking the lemonade.
 

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Communication Engaged Home

10 Decisions You Need to Make With Your Future Spouse Before Marriage

Couple having picnic on beach

There are certain things that need to be agreed upon before marriage. These are decisions that will not change no matter what. Having an agreement on these unshakable truths will help one better navigate their marriage especially in hardships. Here are some decisions you and your future spouse can come in agreement with before marriage:

  1. Divorce is not an option, therefore, it will not come out of our mouths.
  2. We will never stand in the way of each of our love and pursuit for God.
  3. We will encourage and support each other in walking out the call of God on each of our lives.
  4. We will never speak negatively of each other in public.
  5. We will always work on our issues and get help when we need it.
  6. We will teach our kids to walk with God and put him first.
  7. We will not hide secrets as they are an open door to the enemy.
  8. We will always pursue each other and our love.
  9. We will extend grace and forgive over and over.
  10. We will celebrate each other’s success and walk with each other during defeats.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Finances Home Single

Honey, I Wrecked My Credit

Young black woman drinking tea and chatting with boyfriend on couch

Authors: Culus Williams & Calandra Thompson
Life has happened to many of us and in the process our credit was wrecked. Often times we hear that our credit score makes us attractive to lenders. So, we must ask a question… “Will your mate be attracted to your credit score?”
Many of us avoid discussing credit profiles until marriage but we think it’s important to discuss this while dating. Your mate needs to know long before the “I do’s” what your credit report reflects. According to a survey form FreeCreditScore.com, about 30% of women and 20% of men stated they would not marry a person with a low credit score.  
While you’re single this would be a great time to start rebuilding your credit if it’s been wrecked. Here are a few tips to get you started long before your mate comes along and brings up the topic.
CHECK

  1. Review your credit report. You are eligible to receive a free copy of your credit report annually at www.annualcreditreport.com

ARRANGE

  1. Set-up payment plans with the debts that are reflected on your credit report and pay them off. We would suggest starting with the smaller ones first, so that you don’t get overwhelmed. Also, negotiate with the debt collector to settle the debt for a lower amount.

PAY

  1. Keep paying your current bills on time. Most of us have cellphones and electricity bills. Paying these bills on time isn’t reflected on our credit reports but if we fail to pay and become delinquent this will be reflected on your credit.

The bible tells us in, Romans 13:7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. (NIV)
In your single season work on building your credit so that you are attractive in your mate’s eyes but also so that you are attractive in God’s eyes by honoring his word. God doesn’t desire for his people to be in debt. We are supposed to be lenders and not borrowers. We are called to build God’s kingdom by using our finances to bless others.  We can’t bless others if our finances are wrecked.
When God blesses you with a mate, your score may not be perfect but at least you can say. “I’m working on it.” That sounds way better than, my credit is a mess and I haven’t done anything about it.
We both have discussed our credit with each other and it has truly been a blessing to understand what we need to work on long before marriage. We are able to be honest and work on paying off debts while dating. How cool is that?! You can be open and honest about your credit profile and not feel ashamed.  
Trust us that you will feel a boost of confidence, knowing that you’re headed in the right direction financially.
BIO:
Culus Ellerton Williams II and Calandra Thompson are both devoted to Jesus Christ and their families. They both recently accepted the call to preach the gospel. They have a passion to spread the gospel to all that will hear. They enjoy encouraging and inspiring people to know more about Jesus Christ. They’re both ministry leaders at Christian Chapel Temple of Faith in Dallas, TX. Their hobbies are writing, dancing, singing and spending time with family.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

Dear Unmarried, Your Relationship with the Lord Matters

Beautiful Girl reading her Bible by the sea
Your relationship with the Lord should be something that you take confidence and security in. It should also be one of the most attractive qualities that your future spouse honors and respects. How you relate, involve and allow the Lord to lead and guide you shows the real and raw you. So my question is: “What is your view of God? Are you involving him in your everyday life?
Before my now husband pursued me, he first recognized my passion and zeal for the Lord. Until this day, he says that my relationship and pursuit of the Lord was one the most attractive and main reasons why he felt peace in pursuing me.
If you desire to marry a man of God you need to also be a woman of God,  a woman who loves God more than she loves her husband. “How can I love God more than my spouse?” It is only natural to do so when you truly love and fear the Lord from the right perspective.
One of the commandments in the bible is “Love the Lord thy God with all of your heart, mind and soul” The word of God does not change once you get married. The dynamics change in which you are required to include your now spouse for the beautiful reason in which you both become one. So as you love an honor the Lord the overflow of your obedience and passion will overflow into how you love, respect and honor your spouse.
I say this to encourage you to invest in your spiritual development and relationship with the Lord while you are unmarried. Do not take for granted the time, ability and focus you are able to give the Lord prior to marriage.
The success of your future marriage depends on it.  Commit to a life of true devotion along with a commitment to actively growing and maturing in your relationship with the Lord.
In I Corinthians 7:34  we see clearly what we are suppose to truly be focused on during your season of singleness: “His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband”
Enjoy the season the Lord has you in and know that your history with God is pivotal to your history with your future spouse!