Category: Engaged
Ready for a bold statement?
We are a society that likes the chase more than the catch.
Please know this is a general statement, and that it doesn’t apply to everyone. But in my experiences, we seem to be a group of people that quite often is looking for ‘the next best thing’ and once we have that…we want something better. The benefit of this is that it can translate to having high standards and valuing excellence. The downfall is that it greatly challenges our contentment, and when applied to relationships can make commitment very difficult.
If you have found yourself in a cycle of being drawn to the ‘chase’ but not being able to settle, here are some tips to being a person that values the catch more than the process of getting there.
1. Identify 5-7 qualities in a future spouse that are non-negotiable.
Hopefully you’ll end up with your dream man/woman but they might not be that person the first day you meet them. Decide on a handful of qualities that are a deal breaker for a potential spouse, and allow those to determine who you do/don’t date. With the other qualities you’d like, tuck them away and don’t allow them to dictate whether or not a person is perfect for you. The Lord knows our desires and is more than capable of fulfilling them! Ideally we are constantly evolving into better versions of ourselves, so what you might be wanting may come with time if it’s not in place right away.
2. Understand that any relationship will take work, no matter who it’s with.
It seems that most people look for the next best thing when a relationship starts to become hard or the commitment is tested in some way. The reality is…the next relationship will reach that point too. And the next, and the next, and so on. You’re going to have to be okay with not feeling head-over-heels in love at all times with the person you’re with if you want a relationship that will last forever. However, the reward is great! Withstanding the difficult moments will lead to a stronger bond, deeper intimacy, and ultimately, a greater love for the person you’re with.
3. Continually look for the good in the person you’re considering as a spouse instead of focusing on shortcomings.
If you don’t want to be a chaser your whole life, you’re going to have to be intentional about seeing the good in the person you’re with. Once you start caring more about their shortcomings than their unique strengths, you’ll easily be drawn to other prospects that don’t have the same weaknesses. (However – they’ll have a different set of weaknesses!)
4. Be present.
When you’re with the person you’re considering as a spouse, where is your mind? Are you thinking about the people/things around you? Are you on your phone? This person shouldn’t have to compete for your attention when you’re with them. It creates tension, and also can make you miss out on moments with him/her that build a foundation for a healthy relationship.
5. Be prayerful.
You don’t know your future, but you can talk to the One that does! If you’re given the green light on dating someone, then there may be an amazing opportunity ahead of you that requires action.
In an age where we have access to much yet little is required of us, being a “chaser” is an easy way to do life… but makes it difficult to truly find what you’re chasing after!
In today’s society, it seems premarital counseling is often replaced with a “trial run” as couples are choosing to cohabit more and are pushing marriage off. With couples getting married later or for those that do not have a strong faith connection, many feel they know what they need to know and are okay with bypassing counseling. However, here are some values of premarital counseling you may want to consider:
Pre-marital counseling helps to identify potential problem areas in your relationship.
I don’t care how healthy your relationship is, EVERYONE has something they could work on. Whether it is differing views on managing money, or how each of you prefers to handle conflict, counseling is a good way to help identify those areas of improvement. As a third party, a counselor or mentor brings an objective perspective to the equation as they point out or recognize things about your relationship that may be blinded to the both of you. Counselors also help shed light on relationship issues without one getting offended by the other.
Pre-marital counseling brings up situations you would not think to discuss BEFORE they are an issue.
My husband and I went through the book 101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged, and I was amazed at how much we benefited from the process! The questions focused on everything from kids, finances, marriage expectations, role definitions, life-shaping experiences, holidays, etc. It forced us to face potential relationship disagreements BEFORE they occurred. Here are a few examples –
What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult?
What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? What have you done to address these concerns?
Describe how you were disciplined as a child. If you have children, how will your discipline be the same and how will it be different than you experienced?
What have you learned from your previous relationships that will make you a better partner for someone at this time?
Counseling also helps to instill realistic expectations once the wedding is over.
What do you have to lose?
What’s the worst that can happen – you call the wedding off? I would consider that a win versus a lifetime of unhappiness because you didn’t face the challenges of your relationship head on. Counseling will help force communication between future spouses and encourage you to start working as a team before you are united as one. Think of this as the vision board of your marriage – it’s your opportunity to draw the blueprint – what your dreams are, where you want to go, what you want to build, etc. If anything, it will also be a good opportunity to take a step away from the wedding planning and focus on the two of you (which is what this whole wedding thing is about, right?)
Married and Young believes in this so much that they have created a BRAND NEW program for seriously dating and engaged couples called, “Me & You Forever”.
If you are interested and would like to sign up for the waiting list, then click here.
Don’t let wedding planning inhibit your investment into your relationship and future together. I PROMISE you WON’T regret it!
Recently, I was asked if my husband I were celibate before marriage and if so, how?
My response: “yes and one word – boundaries!”
Before I met my husband I made up in my mind I wasn’t going to make the same mistake for a third time and I was determined to remain faithful to God and honor Him with not only my life but my body.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I learned from previous mistakes that it’s better to avoid temptation than be in a situation where you have to flee it. When my husband and I started dating we made sure to only see each other in public and we never visited each other’s homes. It was best to just avoid close quarters. Watching a movie late at night while my roommate was out of town was no longer an option.
Along with our boundaries there were several things that helped us remain celibate before marriage:
1. Understanding: we were both on the same page. We both had the same end goal of marriage, thus, we were intentional about dating God’s way.
Dating someone who is not fully in agreement would had been hard. I’ve been in that situation before and failed. You’re more likely to be tempted by your partner and he/she may not be as committed to the relationship.
2. Accountability: we both had someone close to us, who we allowed to check in on us. My husband and I came up with a grading scale and after every date we would rate ourselves. We got a C once but never failed. Sounds funny now but it worked, and we would share our grades with our accountability partners.
3. Protecting Your Eye & Ear Gates: when dating it may be best to skip over the love scenes in movies and avoid some of your favorite R&B songs. It’s probably best to stick to comedy and gospel. Ha!
Abstinence while dating is absolutely possible but it takes intentionality. However, it’s always worth the wait!
Nearly a decade ago, my heart took a beating when the guy I was in a relationship with told me his feelings had changed and that he was dating someone else. I was sure I had done everything I thought I was supposed to do to avoid this kind of result- I was pursuing God above all else, I’d been prayerful, I’d waited for confirmations before moving forward, I made it clear it needed to be a God-centered relationship and I’d involved trustworthy friends and family in the process. There was no doubt in my mind that the Lord’s approval was all over this …until this happened!
I vividly remember the day I had this conversation and the deep hurt I experienced afterward. I desperately just wanted to get away from the pain, to forget about him, to forget about the whole thing in general, to be free from the memories we had and the resounding promises he’d made and then broke.
In the days to come, I would put a worship song on repeat: I Have Found by Kim Walker-Smith. The chorus goes like this: ‘You are all I want, You are all I need, everything my heart could hope for. We are longing for the glory of the Lord, because we know there’s so much more.” I knew I didn’t believe those words then, but I genuinely wanted to and found an incredible peace in listening to them.
Fast forward to now… I recently was at a worship service and we sang that exact same song. Tears rolled down my face as I realized – I BELIEVE WHAT I’M SINGING! I can say that I am now at a place where I truly believe that the goodness of God surpasses anything this life has to offer. I don’t have all the answers, but I know that I wouldn’t have gotten to that point without doing some specific things:
1. Focused on what I was grateful for
-After this happened, I got so sick of complaining and asking the Lord for things, that I decided to commit a month to only journaling about what I was thankful for. It completely transformed my heart! Because my focus was on what was good in my life, instead of what was negative, suddenly I couldn’t help but feel joy about what was happening.
2. Drew near to God instead of pulling away
-I distinctly remember the moment I was faced with deciding if I would allow God to be a part of what I was experiencing or push him away because He ‘could have done something about it,’ or because He ‘broke my trust.’ I put those in quotations because they are thoughts I’ve had, and I’ve heard other people vocalize…but aren’t necessarily true. It’s interesting how we want to give up the gift of free will only when we go through a hard time. I chose the first option, and am forever thankful I did. Choosing to draw close to the Father set me on a life-giving path that has led to so many adventures I couldn’t have dreamed of.
3. Worshipped
-Worship has a similar effect to being grateful…it changes your heart in the midst of circumstances. Oftentimes we can’t control our circumstances, but if our heart is right we can experience contentedness even if our world feels like it’s falling apart.
- Became a part of a community that built me up
-Find friends and family that will help you get healed up. If your current community spends more time caring about what’s going wrong, it’s going to be difficult to view the Father as the perfect One He is. Pay attention to how your community is influencing you, and look for one that gives you life. - Ask
-Ask the Lord to teach you what it means for Him to be “enough.” He is a relational God and loves to interact with us. If He says He is the way to true life, then He IS and would love to show you how! - Discovered what it means to be a child of God, instead of a slave
-This was pivotal for me in my process of desiring God above all else. When you know you’re loved and a son/daughter of the King of kings, it makes it easier to love yourself and in turn, others…ESPECIALLY the Lord. - Declared God’s promises over my life
-Find scripture that is relevant to your situation or to what you want to see happen. Speaking it out loud has great power! God spoke and the entire universe was created… He clearly has a value for speaking what you want to see even when it’s not there!
God created us to experience fullness in Him. And fullness in Him means that we get to experience what life is truly meant to be! In my experience, finding out what it means to say ‘He is enough’ is completely worth fighting for.
Years ago, when I was younger (too young), I was in a relationship with a girl of a different faith. Despite our different beliefs, we got along wonderfully. We made one another laugh, we encouraged each other when we were down, and we left God completely out of the relationship.
On a side note, “missionary dating” is not a thing. It is a distraction and an excuse for you to suppress the Holy Spirit. You hope that, by some miracle, your “light” for Jesus will draw them home, as you “minister” to him or her by leading them on. Let’s stop that.
Now, back to my story. One evening, I was home alone. The wind was howling, the freezing rain was pelting the windows, and the winter air was wafting under the door, and I had some scented candles lit for some ambiance.
I had just had a disagreement with my parents about this girl I was seeing who didn’t love Jesus. In spite of all of my reasoning, I just could not get that argument out of my head. To distract myself, I turned on the TV. The first channel that popped up was a Christian broadcasting channel. The first words that came out of that pastor’s mouth were something along the lines of, “You know when you’re disobeying God, so drop that sin, repent, and He will restore you!”
I glared at the TV and shot back, “I am not breaking up with Rebekah!” Instantly, the thunder quaked, the TV shut off, and a breeze blew through my living room, snuffing out the candles. The feeling of conviction and holy fear was overwhelming.
I broke it off with Rebekah.
Maybe you’ve been where I was, or know someone in that situation.
Stop assuming God is in your relationship if you have these three red flags:
- He or she draws out your sexuality over your sanctification. It was extremely easy to “shelf” my Christianity, because Rebekah knew what a teenage boy was after, and I had never been kissed. The human sex drive is a powerful function that God created, for marriage. The world wants us to sell out for a moment of pleasure. If this relationship ever—whether because of infatuation, sexual desire, or mere distraction—causes you to forget and abandon your First Love, God is not glorified, and this relationship is not from Him.
- You find yourself batting away caution on a regular basis. I’ve had it both ways: good and bad, in terms of relationships. With this ungodly relationship, I would enjoy being with this girl, laugh all the way home, and frown as I drifted off to sleep. When I was with the girl who is now my wife, we would worship together in the car; I would cover her and champion purity in our relationship, and I would go to bed at night, feeling closer to my First Love because of Sarah. If you are swatting at foreboding, convicting thoughts, you are in danger of hardening your heart and suppressing the Holy Spirit’s leading.
- Family, friends, and spiritual leaders warn you of the dangers of the relationship. Whether by mere outside perspective, spiritual discernment, or recalling their own past experiences, the godly people in your life who voice some red flags about your relationship are valid voices. They aren’t infatuated with the person, so they aren’t under the influence of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin (the chemicals released in your brain when you fall in love).
God renews our minds to want what He wants. And it is so good. Please, don’t sell yourself short. Save yourself for Jesus and watch as He shapes your desires into un-shakeable standards, and then provides the mate to meet those standards!
Through life’s experiences, examples around us, negative self-talk, and fear, we can easily feed into lies about relationships that consequently negatively impact the quality of our relationships. Facing them, and choosing to be set free from them before getting into a relationship will set you up for success. Here are seven common lies:
1) I’ll Be Rejected If I Put Myself Out There
There will always be a risk of rejection in relationships. Nobody wants to experience pain or heartache, but on the same level, nobody wants to be with someone that refuses to open up. If you’re not willing to deal with this lie, you’ll likely experience rejection more than if you believed that it was worth the risk.
2) I’m Not Attractive
Here’s the reality: it’s very possible that not everyone in the world finds you attractive. We are all created uniquely – we all have different personalities, we all have different interests, we are all attracted to different types of things. Along with that, the more you believe you’re attractive, the more others find you attractive. Learn to love yourself instead of waiting for others to tell you what your worth is.
3) I’m Not Enough
In what areas of your life do you feel like you’re not enough for someone to love you? If you can control those areas, choose to improve them instead of choosing hopelessness. If you can’t control them, then it’s time to let them go! You are worthy to be loved. THAT’S the truth. (Also – Jesus thought you were enough to die for. Just sayin!)
4) Marriage Will Ruin Everything
Marriage is God-created, and He doesn’t make mistakes! In instances where marriage seems to “ruin” relationships or lives, the problem is actually that the marriage wasn’t protected from the things that can wreak havoc on a covenant relationship.
5) I’ll always be__________
The problem with this lie is that it has a way of excusing oneself from self -improvement. If you convince your heart that you will always have this fill-in-the-blank issue, then it becomes less of a priority to fix. Changing your attitude about weaknesses or recurring problems can lead to becoming a healthier version of yourself!
6) I Have Commitment Problems
I hear this one a lot. I’ll admit I’m even guilty of saying this, unfortunately! In a society where you can ‘date’ without dating and be in a relationship but mask it as something less serious, it seems to be easy to avoid commitment. But there is so much beauty in choosing somebody – in deciding to commit to a person and work on a relationship instead of floating from person to person and justifying it as having ‘commitment problems’. If you want to be married, now is the time to start practicing commitment.
7) My Marriage Won’t Be Blessed Because ____
God is the Redeemer, which means there isn’t anything that He can’t redeem. Maybe you’re holding on to past mistakes, or you feel like you don’t deserve a blessed marriage, or you have failed in one way or the other. These are not good enough reasons to cancel the grace of God! He is faithful to redeem – we just need to give Him permission.
Do yourself a huge favor and start believing truths about yourself and relationships! It may take some self-checks and practice, but the quality of your future marriage is depending on it.
Your single season is not a waste of time or a curse; it is a time of blessing and preparation. It is a time that God has set aside to make you into what He wants you to be for your future spouse. Singleness is a time of blessing and waiting where God is cultivating godly qualities in you that you can offer your future spouse. Singleness is a gift from God, where you can be devoted to Him, loving Him with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength (Mark 12:30). Here are three tips to help you embrace your season of singleness:
- Embrace your Value. When you are single, it is easy to think that you are incomplete because of not having a spouse. This is further from the truth. Being single in God only defines your relationship status. In 1 Peter 2:9, God sees you as a “His chosen, a royal priesthood, and His special possession.” Embrace your season and fill your time with pursuing God as your first love, traveling, meeting new people, trying a new hobby, and giving back to others. Allow God to refine the qualities and traits in your life, remaining open to His direction and voice to stay aligned with His will.
- Turn to God. Sometimes it can be hard trusting God’s plan for your life, which can cause you to look in the wrong places to fulfill your need for love. But remember that trusting God’s plan for your life will prevent desperation and heartache if you will let Him be your guide. Because God’s love is amazing, cultivating a relationship with Him is a true blessing as you wait for your future spouse.
- Pray for Your Future Spouse. Isn’t it awesome to know that God is preparing your future spouse before He reveals them? So why not pray for them before you meet them? When praying for your future spouse, ask God to meet their needs, pray for their preparation, character, heart, growth, purity, ministry, and obedience to Him. As you pray, everything will happen in God’s timing while you are in your waiting season.
As you embrace these three tips, take the time to thank God for His gift of singleness because He has amazing things in store for your future marriage!
Five years before my wife became my wife, we were stuck in summer school together. Our school had cubicles lining the walls and she was two cubicles away from where I sitting. I feel bad for the poor, innocent soul who sat in the cubicle between ours; he was stuck right in the middle of two star-struck teens, in the thick of our teen angst.
We would toss little notes of wadded graph paper back and forth between cubicles. We did this all summer long; it’s how we passed our time! But one day, it all changed. Sarah wasn’t even my girlfriend at the time, but there was obvious chemistry between us. I knew how I felt, but was far too afraid to tell her—and even more terrified to discover how she felt.
This little game of ours went on without a hitch—until one day, our safe little world was cracked wide open. After a fun night hanging out with our friends, she looked at me differently as she got back into her car. The next day, she was obviously being tormented by some distant musings. I asked her if anything was wrong, but she couldn’t give me a straight answer. I was frustrated and bewildered by the complexity of the female mind, and returned to my little cubicle, none the wiser.
As our four-hour summer classes ended that day, that familiar little wadded up ball of paper landed on my desk—but this time, with a thud. This one changed my world. “I’m OK, Dan. I just never expected to fall in love with my best friend.”
What? Excuse me, WHAT?!
True Love’s Aftermath
As I went to work after that stunning revelation that Sarah was in love…with me…my mind was awhirl with questions, and joy, and terror.
When you discover that the individual that you’ve been pining after with trembling hands and heart ablaze feels the same way, everything changes. Navigating the precarious waters of being in love is a beautiful, yet delicate situation.
I’d like to help you out. When you discover that it’s love, remember these three things: recall your standards, act with chivalry, and stay calm.
Recall Your Standards.
When you fall in love, it is so easy and very tempting to follow your heart. As romantic and poetic as this notion sounds, the biblical principle is to follow the Holy Spirit. Your heart is still in process and development. In the nostalgic and whimsical realm of love, I had to remember what true love looks like, which is often to protect your relationship and your hearts, at the expense of impulsivity. Remember your vows of purity, and adhere to them. It is easy to fall to prey to impulses when your heart suppresses your rationale.
Act with Chivalry.
I knew that I had Sarah wrapped around my finger, and she knew she had me at her beck and call, also. It would have been easy for me to act on instinct, rather than respect. Don’t allow your flesh to mute your chivalry. Serve him or her. Be honest. Be the you that he or she fell in love with.
Stay Calm.
When that bomb dropped and I learned of Sarah’s true feelings for me, I panicked. What if I couldn’t sustain her feelings? What if she got to know me more intimately, and learned that I was more human than she had originally thought? These thoughts are normal. What I learned instead was to take it step by step, day by day. Your significant other fell in love with you. Not your superhero alter ego! Understand that, yes, your companion will see your flaws, but true love will pick up where infatuation leaves off.
If you’re anything like me, you could rattle off a handful of characteristics that you’re looking for in a spouse. Ranging from values, to appearance, to similar interests, it’s easy to dream up the ‘ideal spouse’ and filter your dating experiences through that lens. While that’s all fine and dandy, I believe there are some characteristics that require a little more scrutiny and often get overlooked, but can greatly impact the quality of a long-term relationship. Here are a few traits to search for if you’re wanting to find someone who will be your forever person.
1) Someone That Will Choose You
The idea of a marriage where both people are head over heels in love every minute sure is a nice thought, but… completely unrealistic. If you are dating someone that seems to be looking for that type of relationship, you’ll want to get a deeper understanding of how they view marriage and how they will handle adversity before it gets serious. Look for a person who knows that there is intentionality involved in a commitment.
2) Someone Who is Open to Self-Improvement
If the person you’re interested in makes comments like ‘this is just the way I am,’ or ‘I’ve always done things this way’ you may want to ask more questions to see where they stand on self-improvement. Marriage involves compromise, so if your significant other is set in his/her ways, it could create some major conflict later on. But if your love interest is working on weaknesses and is wanting to continually better themselves, there is a great chance that they will carry that into a marriage – allowing an opportunity for both of you to be your best for the other!
3) Contentedness
Is the person you’re dating happy with themselves and their life as it is? Or are they constantly looking for the next best thing? If he/she doesn’t seem to be content, they might be looking to you to be their source of happiness. If this is the case, it’s inevitable that either a) you will get burnt out trying to keep them happy or b) they will look for someone or something else to fill that void. True contentedness comes from a rooted identity in God, and when both people are grounded in that truth, there is an added stability to the relationship.
4) Values What You Value
Simply put – you will want to be with someone who cares about your dreams and desires if you want to really thrive in those areas of your life. If your significant other isn’t interested in the areas of your life that you are most passionate about, it could easily bring discouragement and tension. Note – this doesn’t mean that you have to share the exact same passions.
5) Sees the Big Picture
Does your significant other have long term plans? Are they careful with their finances? Do they know what they want to do career-wise? Do they know if they want to have a family? These are areas of life that could significantly affect both of you down the road, and so it’s important to find out where he/she stands on these issues before getting serious.
6) Has a Positive View on Family
Our histories with family influence our thoughts and actions greatly. Some have learned how to do family well because that’s the example that was set. But there are some people who have been so hurt by their family that they either a) resent family in general, b) haven’t recognized it and therefore repeat the same mistakes their family may have made, or hopefully, c) want to completely redeem their family history. Ask questions about your significant other’s history and get an understanding on how they view family. If they have a negative outlook you may want to be cautious before promising them forever.
7) Betters Others
Is the person you’re interested in the type that wants to bring out the best in others or convince them to make poor choices in one way or another? I have dated both types, and found that the latter has a way of sucking the life out of you. Pay attention to the type of influence he/she has on you – chances are pretty good that it will carry into marriage!
All in all, there’s much to think about before making a long term commitment to another person…with good reason! You’ll never find a perfect person, but paying attention to the little things could set you both up for a successful marriage. And don’t forget – your ‘forever person’ won’t just possess these qualities, but will be looking for someone who has them as well!