How Often Do Men Need to Have Sex

This is a great article written by a marriage and relationship expert, Shaunti Fieldhahn!  Don’t forget the early bird rate for Sex Without Sheets Marriage Conference ends this Sunday! Don’t miss out on this amazing conference that will surely bless you and your spouse!
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Dear Shaunti,
You’re the researcher, so please tell me the real answer: How often do guys need to have sex?  I just don’t think about sex much; I guess it isn’t a need for me.  But my husband says he thinks about it all the time, and he gets crabby that I’m often too tired.  Even though I can go weeks or months and not miss it, since he can’t, I try to do the right thing.  But oddly, even though he says he’s “deprived”, when I tell him “okay” that just makes him mad.  He says he wants me to want it like he does.  I feel like I can’t win. But if I knew how often a man needs sex I could plan on that, and hopefully that would help.
– Not Feeling Frisky
Dear Not Feeling Frisky,
How would you feel if you told your husband, “I need to hear you say ‘I love you’,” and he heaved a big sigh and said, “Okay, I’ll try to say it.  But how often do you need to hear it?  Is once a week okay?  Whatever it is, tell me, and I’ll plan on that.”
My guess is, you’d be really hurt. You’d be thinking, He supposedly loves me, but he has to force himself to dredge up the willpower to show me love?  Maybe he doesn’t really love me like he says he does.
You wouldn’t be hurt because he didn’t say “I love you” enough times.  You’d be hurt because of what it implied.  Maybe it means he doesn’t care about you. Maybe, you might think, it means you really aren’t even all that lovable.
Sex works the exact same way for most men.  In the research, there seems to be no one standard amount of sex that men “need” to have; it is what sex signals to them that is important.  Your sexual actions signal: I desire you; You are desirable; I want to be with you in that way; You make me feel amazing; I want to show you how much I care about you; and on and on.
We women think of sex as being primarily a physical need for a man: but it isn’t.  One of a man’s deepest emotional needs is to feel that his wife desires him.  And if he sees that his wife desires him, it gives him a sense of well-being in all the other areas of his life.  But if she shows <big sigh> “Okay, fine, let’s get this over with,” then it is clear to him that she doesn’t desire him, he’s no good at trying to make her feel amazing, he must be completely undesirable… and that she doesn’t really care about him the way she says she does.
In the research with men and women, it was very clear that most women (although certainly not all) simply have a different type of desire than men. We need to be approached differently. Most women simply don’t think about sex as often as men do.
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