Category: Single

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Dating/Courting Single

8 Questions to Ask on a First Date

See when I opened myself up to dating, I already knew in my mind that my goal was to get married. So I’m not going to waste 5 dates with someone that doesn’t want to get married.
I’m not a time waster and I would hate to waste someone else’s time. That’s why I came up with these 7 first date questions.
1. Do you have a relationship with Christ?
2. Who holds you accountable with your walk?
With these questions, I’m trying to figure out IF HE/SHE KNOWS JESUS? Does he/she have a relationship with him? Does he/she just attend church and sit in the back row or does he actually involve himself/herself with the church? Are we equally yoked? If not, thanks but no thanks!
3. How’s your relationship with your parents?
4. How do you feel about marriage?
These are the questions you ask to find out about his views on relationships and  how well he maintains them.
5. What are your core values?
6. Have you identified your purpose, your calling? Spiritual gifts?
It’s important to know what keeps him/her grounded. What directions does God have him/her going in? If you’re going to be someone’s help meet, you need to know what you’re helping with.
7. Are you having sex or have you decided to wait until you’re married?
8. What type of boundaries do you have in place when dealing with the opposite sex?
This will help you learn about his/her sexual history and also how they deal with the opposite sex. I mean, are they just all out here all “willy nilly” or do they have self-control?
The list of questions you can ask on date are endless, the most important thing is to just ASK them.
When you decide to enter into a relationship with someone, you’re in relationship with their heart, their soul, their decisions, their past and their future.
So when I started thinking about it that way, I knew I would have to learn to ask the hard questions upfront if I didn’t want to waste time. So what if they run scared, mission accomplished and if they don’t, well, then there’s potential.
What questions would you ask on a first date?

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Communication Dating/Courting Engaged Single Spiritual Intimacy

3 Ways Marriage Mentors Can Change Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do"

parents meeting girlfriend of their son at home

When I went to Christ for the Nations Institute, a Bible college based in Dallas, Texas, we heard a lot about mentors, or spiritual parents. One amazing man shared about a time that his spiritual father rebuked him for the way he spoke sharply to his exhausted, pregnant wife. I personally longed for a man of God to be a father to me as I answered the pastoral call on my life.
Mentoring is essentially discipleship.
Mentors serve so many purposes in our lives. Some may be there for life, other times a mentor is there for a specific reason or season. Whatever the purpose or length of time may be, mentors have forever changed our marriage by investing in us.
Once, in Bible college an older couple pulled Sarah and I aside and told us that they believed they had heard from the Lord about us. They then began to unpack half an hour’s worth of encouragement and prophetic words that helped pave the way for where we are heading, even today!
One of the most powerful times a couple mentored us was when we were preparing for our time on the mission field. We spent a week with this couple as they worked with us in experiencing areas of healing from old wounds, hearing God’s voice, and re-committing to ourselves to one another.
The Gifts Mentors Give
Mentors in any season are truly a gift from God, but as a dating couple, these mentors can be indispensable.
Here are three ways marriage mentors can produce life in your marriage before you’re married.
 
1.  They’ve been where you’re going. Mentors have experienced what you have or will experience, and they can help you avoid mistakes they made. One day, when my wife and I were “in talks” to have a relationship, we had a big fight. I stormed off and walked three miles to the house of an older couple that we knew and loved. When I told this couple about our fight, the husband, Bill, told me, “Daniel, I don’t know what to tell you. But Carlene and I have had our ‘spats’ too, and when we do, I talk to Jesus. Now, there’s a quiet room in the back. Go back there, pray, and listen. That’s what I do when we fight.” Funny. While he claimed to not have the answers, he gave me the answer. To this day, if Sarah and I have disagreements, I don’t go to people, I go to Christ. What a legacy this man left for me!
 2.  They can see what you can’t. Mentors have the privilege of objectivity. Mentors can look at your relationship without any bias. They can direct you when you’re lost, correct you when you’re wrong, and inspect you when you’re confused.
 3.  They give you something to strive for. Sarah and I have had some marriage mentors for life, and some for short seasons. No matter how long we have them pouring life into our marriage, we see a portrait of a beautiful marriage that we long to resemble, some day. These Godly men have modeled gentleness and delight toward their wives in front of me. These gracious wives have modeled patience and faith toward their husbands in front of my wife.
Because of the examples of Godly mentors in our dating season, we had a goal to aim for.
Oh, that we would distance ourselves from the selfie-obsession of our generation! May we learn to value the priceless treasures of wisdom found in others! Trust me: you do have more to learn.
Do you and your significant have marriage mentors?

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Home Single

Position Yourself to be Found

Two young people sitting on benches in a park and talking
There are many women that desire to be in a relationship. Yet, they are still single. The man of your prayers will not magically appear before you at the altar. You have to be willing to position yourself to be found.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
The definition of find is to discover (something or someone) without planning or trying to. The man that God has for you can’t discover you if you aren’t in position to be found. Your home isn’t a place of position, it’s more a place of comfort. Get up and get out of the house!
We are way too old to be playing the hide and seek game. If you desire a mate, allow God to position you to be found. If you’re not in the right position you will miss the opportunity to be found by your future mate.
Many times we are distracted by temporary people or even things. I often see many women posting on Facebook about their single season. Facebook posts will not put you in a better position to be found by him. You have to be in a place that shows that you’re available and even interested in dating.
That doesn’t mean be thirsty and expose yourself to men to be seen. Position yourself with dignity and class. The best posture to be found by your mate is serving the LORD. It is at the moment that you are serving God and his people you will be in right place at the right time to be found.
Don’t be afraid of rejection – it happens. When you allow God to direct your path to be positioned properly, rejection will not occur as often and you will know that the right man when he approaches you. He will be everything you prayed for and much more.
I will leave you with this… I prayed to God to send me a man of God that was on fire for him, that would love me and my children unconditionally. I prayed for a man that would pray for me and with me. I prayed about several things that I wanted in a Godly man according to the word of God.
You will know when you meet the right one because your spirit will leap with joy. I came in contact with a few people while single but my spirit didn’t leap when I interacted with them. They didn’t line up with my prayers or even the word of God. So, I kept it moving.
I continued to serve God and one day I looked up and saw the most handsome man that I’d ever seen on earth. My spirit leaped with joy and I knew it was something different about him. Well, I approached him and introduced myself. No harm in that ladies. After, that I went before the Lord and sought his counsel for my life. I needed to know if this was the one that God had for me. Sure enough God answered and said “It’s him!”
I said all that to say, be intentional about your relationship with Jesus Christ. Stay in communication with him always. The more you talk to God, he will position you so that he can bless you with the desires of your heart, according to his plan for your life. When you are positioned by God, you will be found by the right one that he purposely designed just for you.

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Dating/Courting Single

The Number One Thing EVERY Single Should Know Before Dating!

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

Preparing for the dating scene can be quite a tedious process. Exciting, but tedious. As women, we do our best to make sure we’re in a position to be found, while most men do their best to make sure they are in a position to date or court. Many attend conferences and seminars to make sure they’re fully prepared for the dating/courting process. While all of this is necessary, in my experience there’s one thing that has the potential gets lost in the process…YOU.
“What do you like in a woman?” That’s the first question I asked every guy I dated, with my pen paper in hand. Dating three young men at the same time became WAY too much for me, as they all liked different attributes in a woman. Doing my best to be the woman each of them desired became overwhelming! One weekend I was an outspoken girl who didn’t mind going to the club (totally not me), the next week I was extremely reserved and quiet (also not me), and the other week I was made to feel inferior and uneducated (also, not me).
During the initial phase of the dating process, I was so consumed with being the perfect girl for the gentleman who captured my attention; I forgot to be who God created me to be. I wasn’t the fun, silly, dress up and dress down and lover of laughter and stimulating conversations girl I was around my friends! During the dating process, I became three different people and Shannon Cheri Colar, part time.
So what should every single know? EVERY SINGLE SHOULD KNOW WHO THEY ARE! Again, the dating process has the potential to be extremely exciting, but at what cost? Understand, God created you with your destiny in mind, what human is worth altering that? No one. While dating, keep in mind there is someone, if not someone(s), who will love you just the way you are!
With knowledge that I lost myself in the dating process, I decided to STOP dating all together, remind myself who I was, and allow HIM to find me “being me”. It wasn’t until I started “being me” that someone who loved me for me found me!
My encouragement to every single person is to fall in love with “you” before inviting anyone else to. If you’re not enough for the individual during the dating process, you’ll never be enough, not in courtship, not in marriage. You know the old saying “Go where you’re celebrated, and not tolerated”.
XOXO,
Shannon C Colar

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Single

5 Lessons I Learned from Meeting My Wife on Facebook

Black Guy Using Smart Phone

If you are like me, a hopeless romantic, then you have already thought of or written out exactly how you want to meet your future spouse. Mine was that I would be at the grocery store and turn on isle 3 to get some pasta sauce and she would also be on the same isle looking for noodles. Our buggies would collide causing her to almost fall down, but I would catch her causing our eyes to meet. And…we would live happily ever after.
Your story may be completely different, but we all have at least once day dreamed about how we would meet them. Well, I am now married going on 4 years and my wife and I didn’t meet on isle 3, but rather the most unexpected place especially for us.
Yes, we met on Facebook. Yes, it really does happen.
I want to share with you 5 lessons I learned from meeting my wife on Facebook.
1. You May Not Meet Your Spouse How You Plan
This is the most important lesson out of the 5 simply because if I hadn’t been open to the reality that we might not meet in a way that I planned then I might still be single right now. Facebook was the LAST PLACE I ever thought I would meet my wife, and BOOM that’s exactly how we met.
2. Your Profile and Behavior Online Means A lot More than You Expect
My wife and I were both in a prayer group on Facebook and one day I saw her post a few prayers that really caught my attention. I then clicked on her page, and yes went through her pictures. I was shocked that we were already Facebook friends. She was very beautiful which caused me to do some more digging, leading me to her blog.   If she would’ve had crazy pictures up or wild stuff happening on her page then I probably would’ve ended my curiosity there. So, be conscious of how you have your page setup because you never know who might be curious about you.
3. Nothing Wrong With Taking Your Time to Get to Know Someone
After learning that she was single, I sent her a very friendly message through Facebook. I know you may be like…Wow, you stalked her and then messaged her? Yes, lol. It may be creepy then, but now its romantic  because we’re married. We messaged back and forth a few times but nothing serious at all and that went on for 8 months.
4. Every Relationship Is a Risk No Matter What
After prayer and talking with my pastor I felt the peace after 8 months of being friends with my now wife online. I sent her another message asking if she would be interested in us getting to know one another better. Even after all I did, this was still a risk. Why? Because the moment you involve another human into your world, nothing is guaranteed. This is why wisdom must be your guide helping you make the right decisions to guard your heart through the process.
5. Have a Relationship Support System in Place Before You Date
The one thing that made Natasha comfortable to actually be interested in getting to know me better was the strong community of people I had in my life. She saw I was heavily connected at my church and the many friends I had posting and commenting on my wall. But, clearly anyone can have this and still be a bit crazy. But, once Natasha and I were ready to get serious. I asked her if she wanted to speak with some of my friends from my church in order to feel more comfortable. Whether you’re meeting someone online or in person, being able to meet the people they spend majority of their time with really helps you to see what type of person they really are.

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Single

Wifey Material or Nah?

If Proverbs 18:22 tells us “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, why do we believe wives are made after saying I do?
The scripture does not say he who finds a woman, then makes her his wife. Unmarried women let me encourage you today…..You don’t have to wait to be approached by a man before you are made into a wife! When you submit your life to the Lord and allow him to lead and guide you, he can teach you how to embody the characteristics of a wife!
Becoming a wife is not simply about being a great cook, being able to clean a house spotless or being able to bare children. Your qualifications of becoming a wife are not simply based on what the world say a wife is. After all, to the world many women with marriage certificates are wives. We see reality shows such as “Basketball Wives” or “Real Housewives of Atlanta” where the wives portrayed are half-dressed, spends money excessively, are always in drama, are rarely with their children, can’t cook, transfer from husband to husband based on who has the highest salary and are more concerned with being popular and the latest fashion than building their homes.
According to the book of Proverbs it takes more than a willing man, a ring, ceremony and a marriage certificate to become a wife. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a wife as a type of woman who…

  • has good character
  • is unselfish
  • is a nurturer
  • is good with money and knows how to multiply what she has
  • She is a provider and is good with her hands
  • she is respected and gives respect
  • she is productive and not lazy
  • she is a giver and knows how to serve others
  • she takes care of her appearance
  • she is full of wisdom
  • she knows how to watch her tongue
  • she is faithful
  • and most importantly she fears the Lord

Ladies, the next time you feel the desire to ask God for a husband, ask yourself first….”Am I am Wife?”
Let the word of God become your standard so he can make you ready for your future! When your future husband finds you, you don’t want him to just find a woman, but you want him to find a wife!

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Dating/Courting Engaged Marriage Single

5 Poisons That Don't Belong in Relationships

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Throughout life, it’s inevitable that our hearts and minds will take beatings in ways that can potentially have a negative effect on our view of ourselves and others. The problem is, when we allow those negative thoughts to reign over the reality of who God says we are, they can cause some serious damage in our relationships.
In order to maintain a thriving relationship – whether it’s a friendship, a relationship, marriage, or with a family member – I believe it’s incredibly important to recognize when you’ve allowed these ‘poisons’ into your life, and then get rid of them!
Here are five poisons that I have observed:

  1. Insecurities: Insecurities are incredibly easy to pick up. The truth is, an insecurity represents an area of your life that is not under the authority of God. Acknowledging insecurities that you carry is a good start to getting rid of them.  Then it’s important to pursue what God says about it, and let Him have the final say.
  2. Comparisons: The problem with comparisons is that they will never end once you start! Someone will always be more ____[fill-in-the-blank] than you. But there will never be anyone who has the exact combination of gifts, personality, appearance, history, and desires as you do! The world can’t have another human being exactly just like you, so why deprive them? Figure out what makes you unique and celebrate those qualities, instead of wishing you were like someone else. Otherwise, it is an open door for jealousy, shame and self-deprecation – all of which can wreak havoc on your relationships because you will only be able to love the other person according to how much you love yourself.
  3. Negative assumptions: Assuming the worst in someone will likely bring the worst out of them. Of course people are going to let you down. Of course people are going to fail. But if you continually expect the worst to happen you may create some false truths about the other, along with missing a lot of good that may be going on! In general, assuming the best has a way of raising the other to a higher standard, along with freeing yourself from worry, anxiety, frustration, etc.
  4. Fear: Fear causes us to make decisions that may not be rooted in wisdom or love. This can put a huge strain on relationships, especially when the other isn’t aware of fears you may struggle with. It’s important to keep your motivation in check. Ask yourself why you are making a decision. Are you afraid of what could happen if you don’t? Or is it because you are certain it is right for the circumstances you’re in?
  5. Lack of Vulnerability: It is impossible to deeply connect with another person if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Not expressing feelings or opening up can only last so long until it creates a tension in a relationship. Being vulnerable may be scary at times, but has a way of developing a safe place which in turn allows a relationship to progress. Without progression, relationships tend to just go backward or fall apart.Above all, relationships take work and being intentional! The more proactive you can be about not allowing these ‘poisons’ in your relationships, the more life-giving they will be.

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Home Single

5 Mistakes Single People Make Before Marriage

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Single

Girlfriend's Guide to Marriage: 5 Great Lessons

by Kay King
That weekend when you think it’s going to be just the girls on a ski slope, looking fierce, laughing and chatting over a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows… that was the weekend I was looking forward to, but God had other plans.
We arrived late and upon check-in, one of my friends ran into another friend she knew.  They chit-chatted and the next thing I knew we were being invited back to her cabin for dinner.
When we arrived we quickly found out that they were having their very own “Why Did I get Married” weekend. It was 4 couples ranging from newly-weds to 10 years of marriage. I thought to myself how ironic is it that I ran into a bunch of married couples the weekend I was to be fasting for my future marriage.
If you don’t think God has a sense of humor, then you don’t know the God I serve. 
On the first night we all had dinner and conversation, it was so fun. 
From the men giving their advice to us singles and from the women giving their advice. I was literally like a sponge, soaking it all up. Here are 5 lessons I learned from them:

Lesson 1: Marriage is Selfless.

I know. I know. That may be a hard pill to swallow, considering how before we get married all we can think about is ourselves.  
Marriage isn’t for the inconsiderate. It isn’t for the selfish. Marriage is about serving. You must serve one another DAILY. You must serve one another even when you don’t feel like it. 
So before you head down that isle, make sure that you are ready to SERVE.
Even Jesus replied, “I didn’t come to be served, but to serve.” Serving is an admiral job- it’s the least likely to be chosen, but if you both have a servant’s heart, then you will have the one thing that will make your marriage last.

Lesson 2 :Marriage is For the Long Haul.

Why is it that we always look to these celebrities as a poster for how marriage should be? They have these lavish weddings and then next thing you know, TMZ  reports that so and so filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences”. What is that?!
Isn’t marriage supposed to be forever? 
One of the women at the cabin that weekend said her marriage had a few ups and down. She said they couldn’t agree on the simplest of things and some how it would always turn into a huge argument. She said they didn’t know what to do but she knew divorce was not an option.
She said to “take divorce out the equation” all together. She explained that you will be tested on the vows you spoke on your wedding day and your vows said to death do us part.
I mean, think about Christ’s marriage with the church. Now we don’t always do what we’re supposed to do, so imagine if God said “that’s it, I’m filing for divorce.”Where would we would? YIKES! I would hate to even imagine that. God said “no, I’m in this for the long haul, for eternity and even then after. Divorce is not an option, I took the vows and it said ‘for better or for worse'”.

Lesson 3: Your Spouse is Not Your Enemy.

Your spouse is a gift from God. In all your imperfections and in all your spouse’s imperfections, you have to know who your true enemy is. When you wage war, allow your spouse to fight with you instead of fighting against them.
I can even recall a  conference I went to and the speaker said, do you know who your real enemy is? She said look, nobody goes into marriage thinking that they will do this or that, she says we enter into marriage with true intentions of being the best we can be for our spouse but life happens. And as life happens, you can’t forget who your true enemy is. 
So instead of fighting with your spouse, take it to God in prayer.

Lesson 4: A couple who prays together, stays together.

Let prayer be your foundation. When you don’t know what else to do, take it to God.
Couples face a lot of big decisions and you won’t always know what to do, however we are connected to someone who knows all things.
A lot of married couples I know, have said that prayer has saved their marriages. It helped strengthen their marriage and even created a stronger unity between them. 
I can remember one of the guys saying that you should make time to pray with your spouse daily. He said that’s the best thing he ever did for his marriage. He says praying with his wife, is the best part of his day. Having her pray for him and him praying for her really empowered their marriage and even strengthen their relationship with Christ.

Lesson 5: Honor your spouse.

When you honor your spouse, it means you value your spouse.
You should view your spouse as a priceless treasure. When you honor your spouse, you give them confidence. You can honor your spouse by making sure they are number 1 over your job, your friends and your hobbies. Honor your spouse by respecting them and their feelings.
The Lord speaks a great deal in the bible about honor, so you know it must mean a lot to Him.
Honor your spouse above all else and your marriage is sure to last. 
 
 
I know as singles, we are often in a rush to get married but the one thing I am enjoying about this season of my life is the freedom I have to equip myself with the tools needed for my marriage.
God knows the desires of my heart so I will let him take care of that.

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Dating/Courting Home Single

Is the Proverbs 31 Woman Even Real?

The first few times I read through Proverbs 31 were not intentional. Most of my understanding of her came from others. When I finally decided to intentionally look into this woman – I quickly closed my bible and said, “Umm yea, this woman is not real, I can’t relate.” Why? Well for one, I don’t like to cook or clean, I appreciate my sleep, I don’t know how to sew (takes me 30 minutes just to get the thread in the needle head), and at that time in my life, I was working and in school full-time (do people still farm? – don’t judge me I’m a city girl). I just didn’t have a connection with or understanding of this infamous woman.
Fast forward a few years; I found myself married with a beautiful baby girl. I always had a desire to support my home and serve my husband and children but when it came time to doing it, let’s just say a girl struggled just a little bit in a few areas. My attitude about it all wasn’t always the best either. To make matters worse, my areas of struggle were directly related to my husband’s #1 love language, acts of service.
Ugh! The reality of being a Proverbs 31 woman just didn’t seem realistic or appealing. So what I did is what I always do when I face challenges in life, go to my papa – God!  
After years of skipping and glazing over chapter 31 of the book of Proverbs. I finally decided to not just read but study the chapter with intention and purpose. What I discovered was amazing and within a day’s time, my heart, attitude and perspective of this woman changed. I’m delighted to be able to share my revelation with you on who the Proverbs 31 (P31) woman really is.
1. She’s not a real woman: What? Yea, seriously. I used to think she was a real woman just nameless like the Woman at the Well. However, the P31 woman was a description of a woman, King Lemuel’s mother gave to teach him as a young boy the qualities to look for in a wife. This truth freed me of comparison. Every quality I struggled with didn’t make me less than, now I just saw them as areas I had the opportunity to grow in.
2.  She was actually single: Think about it. King Lemuel’s mother was actually referring to single women since these were qualities she encouraged her son to look for in a future wife. Sooooo…. that means becoming a proverbs 31 woman starts while single not when you say “I do.” (Oops… I sorta missed that memo but I’m getting it together now). I find that many single women view the P31 woman as something they become in the future if/when they get married and have children but nope, this is for the now preparing for later.
 3. She’s a Queen: The description of the P31 woman wasn’t just about any ol’ housewife who wore an apron all day. She was royalty! We’re talking about the wife-to-be of a king, remember? She’s a Queeeen! (She’s Your Queeeeen lyrics from Coming to America just popped in my head. Ha!). She was helping her king run a kingdom. A Queen knows her position, value and authority in her kingdom.
4.  She’s a BOSS:   This point is my favorite! The P31 woman loved God and her family but she was also about her business literally. For whatever reason, she is typically coined as a wife and mother who domestically serves her home and family, but after categorizing each verse her qualities are equally divided.  1/3 of her qualities were about her soul and her relationship with God, another 1/3 focused on her domestic abilities to manage and support her home and family, and the final third showed that she was business-wise and entrepreneurial. This woman didn’t just sit at home cooking and cleaning all day. Nope! She was also using her gifts, talents and expertise to bring in income for her family. However, she was balanced and prioritized while doing it all. I was excited to see the importance of this quality in her life. I’m all about pursuing purpose and using our gifts as women.
As cliché as the Proverbs 31 woman might be to some, she is truly a woman I strive to be. A woman of God who fully understands her worth and value, happily married, with successful relationships with her husband, children and community but yet a wise and a bomb business woman.