Category: Single

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Marriage Single

Is Everyone Meant to Get Married?

This is a question I get often as a counselor and one I even wrestled with when I was single. It is not one that can not be easily answered with a simple yes or no. Before I share my opinion on the topic, we will have to take into account cultural norms about marriage including when it should happen and what it means to the culture when someone is single or married etc. Before I answer the question here are some reason why I think some people do not get married:
1. Focused on school and career.
2. Have emotional and spiritual issues that prevent them from finding a mate or committing to a mate.
3. Have unrealistic expectations.
4. Do not know how to be pursued or pursue a woman.
5. They have believed lies about marriage that keep them from committing.
6. Timing.
7. Generational curses and spiritual hindrances.
This is connected to a previous blog I wrote concerning “The One“. I believe that God brings people that are eligible and it is our job to choose them based on biblical standards, core values, and goals etc. What does that mean?
You may have had someone who was a perfect match for you, but due to whatever reason you did not get married, that doesn’t mean no one will come around. According to the CIA fact book, the ratio of men to women right now between 25 and 55 is  one to one, so there is a great chance that he or she is out there.
So why do some people not get married?
Besides the reasons I mentioned above, I do know people who really have no desire for marriage, nothing is wrong with them psychologically, they have simply been given the gift of celibacy and they find fulfillment and joy in serving the Lord and other people. These people most of the times have never  had a desire to be married.
Now how about the ones who desire to be married and are not? I believe that God is a good father, he will not give us desires for something that is beautiful and his design and then just dangle it like a carrot for us to never achieve. What I have seen is that most people who desire marriage and have godly motives towards marriage, have worked out any emotional and faulty beliefs and are walking in purpose eventually get married.
Now you can get married with all those issues, but it is best to make sure you deal with you until the one comes. Do not settle, focus on God and walk in purpose and sooner or later you will find someone walking alongside you.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

3 Signs You Are Ready for Marriage

people, race, ethnicity and portrait concept - happy african american young woman with open arms in summer park

by Chasity DeLaCruz
“Hey! Don’t burn the marshmallows!” Dad got my attention just in time.  I was trying out a new recipe, and our kitchen had sweet potatoes, baked fish and seasoned veggies scattered all over the place. At that moment in my life, I felt an overflow of love in my heart for the first time which led me to promise myself that one day, I will cook the same dish for my future husband. Not only this, but I wanted to cook only the best food for my better half. This also enlightened me with another realization; this was actually the first sign I saw in myself that I was ready for marriage.
There are many things that can hint to you on your readiness for committing to someone for the rest of your life. The first question you need to ask yourself before preparing for marriage is whether or not you believe God is calling you to be married. Everyone isn’t called to be married, but if you know that marriage is for you and you want to get clear on when you are ready to allow your future spouse in your life, you’re in the right place!
Here are three signs to know you are ready for marriage:

1. You See Your Partner In Your Future

Make sure that you can envision yourself building a legacy with your special someone. Do your long term goals consider your future spouse? Have you thought about how you could serve in ministry with your future mate? These are all ways that a person who is ready for marriage would consider their partner in their future plans.

2. You Are a Team Player

It’s important to understand that getting married is not all about you. Can you imagine yourself serving your partner, even when you don’t feel like it? Will you be willing to cook that meal or listen about their day when all you want to do is rest? Your readiness to be a team player is a big sign that you are prepared to consider marriage.

3. You Understand Your Core Values

The best way to date with a purpose and get aligned with a partner who shares your same values is to get clear on your core values. What is important to your life? What are your top 3 core values? If you are crystal clear on your values, you will have a better change to get a mate with similar values.
 
The bottom line is that being ready for marriage is more about your willingness to accept the level of responsibility and wisdom needed to build your life with a loving partner, and pursue a purpose-driven relationship.  At the right moment, you will have your “Ah ha” moment and realize that you are indeed ready for marriage.
 
About Chasity: Chasity DeLaCruz is the founder and creator of chasitydelacruz.com. She is a wife, mom, missionary and dating strategist. She helps amazing women create their dream relationship by dropping causal dating and taking on dating with a purpose. Chasity has mastered the art of creating a purpose-driven relationship, and she’s an expert at helping women prepare for a God-centered marriage.

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

Five Things I Would Tell My Teenage Self About Marriage

This is a little embarrassing for me to admit, but hey, I’m feeling pretty generous today: most of what I learned about romance, I learned from Saved by the Bell. Zack Morris, the smooth-talking, charismatic, “blonde Tom Cruise” protagonist had that effect on lots of men-in-training in the late 80’s to mid 90’s.
As a burgeoning teen in late 90’s, I started to see that reality truly is stranger than fiction. Zack Morris’ charm only had the support and pull of teenagers everywhere because his style was scripted to work. For the rest of us, we allow God to write our story.
My “Zack Morris Worldview” changed me. As I’ve drawn closer to the Lord and come to know the power of grace, and a transformed mind, I’ve learned that there is so much more than a silver tongue: character.
If I could go back in time and walk the halls of my middle school, watching my insecure self attempt to be suave and fit in, I would look him in the eye, place my hand on my shoulder, and say, “Don’t settle for the fool’s gold, Daniel, wait for the treasure trove!”
Here’s what else I would tell him…er, me:
1.  “Promiscuity isn’t cool.” By God’s grace, I saved myself for my wife, but my friends and fellow classmates sure didn’t make it easy. We validated one another by how many people we made out with, how many girls were interested and how far we pushed the boundaries. Teenage Daniel, you don’t need “practice.” The more you save for your beautiful  wife in the future, the better. In fact, King Solomon tells young men to run from the promiscuous woman. (Proverbs 5)
2. ‘Waiting for the one’ is cool. God’s standards of “cool” are way different than the world’s. I waited for my wife. I gave my heart and body to her, by God’s grace. I would never want to shame someone who didn’t know any better, that’s not the point. God can absolutely restore what you gave away when you were blind. The point is that we can so easily plug ourselves into the wrong ideology. You can give yourself away in more ways than just physically.
3. It’s not as hard as cynical people want you to believe. Teenage Daniel had a lot of voices speaking in deafening roars about how hard it is to find love, about the sobering-yet-mythical 50/50 divorce rate. They experienced pain, but I did, too. Who do you bring your brokenness to? I’m so glad that I chose to bring mine to Jesus, so He could heal me. He brought Sarah to me and my anger had cooled; my heart softened.
4. It is hard. Zack Morris had misled me to believe that the right amount of gel, charisma, and sex appeal would get me through the hard stuff. Nope. Relationships require grit and determination. To do things the right way, God’s way, is an arduous, costly, but worthwhile process of growth and maturity.
5. ‘Happily ever after’ isn’t a passive event, it’s a lifelong process that you fight for. Fairy tales are a fun idea, but you don’t get “happily ever after” by osmosis. You get it by loving one another through flaws, challenges, and mistakes, and by celebrating the uniqueness that God has deposited into each one of you.
Relationships are funny little tools that the Lord uses to sharpen and define us, but they also bring so much beauty and depth to our lives when Jesus is the Center. Teenage Daniel, hold on tight: your bride is coming and she’s more than worth the wait!

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

How Grief Affects Your Relationships

by Raven Evans
Unbeknownst to many folk, grief is the common factor in most relationship issues that couples face on a regular basis. However, grief has a silver lining. God created grief with good intentions; he wanted us to feel it and overcome it. The problem with this unbearable sadness is that many stay stuck on the wrong side of it, never healing from the initial effects.
 
Grief is our natural reaction to loss and as humans, loss is inevitable. It starts when we leave the birth canal and enter into a world of unfamiliarity; the environment around us is no longer the comfortable womb that we have been in for the past nine months. We must now adapt to new sounds, voices, images, feelings, and surroundings. All humans go through this process and it is not an uncommon experience; even as infants, we grieve over our losses. Grief encourages us to understand and overcome our emotions in a healthy way by helping us adjust to the constant changes in environment, which life always brings; it helps us to evolve as God intended.
Most of us are not still upset over what happened at birth, but we are still grieving over our traumatic childhood experiences, especially when it comes to how we interact with others. These past events are affecting our ability to have healthy and stable relationships in the present. The seeds of rejection, disappointment, and negative emotions, which are often planted in childhood, come to fruition during our adult life. These seeds lead to insecurity, instability, and emotional distress during our daily lives.
You are probably still grieving over each failed relationship from your early days and the pattern that has emerged in your daily interactions is a byproduct of that grief. You may be finding it difficult to have lasting romantic relationships. Your soul is still comparing your previous relationships to your current one or the one that you are actively pursuing. Therefore, you may be experiencing subconscious feelings of being dropped or rejected, feelings of panic, and fears of being heartbroken. These negative expectations cause you to react poorly, which in turn will hinder your ability to have a healthy and fruitful relationship.
You may find yourself wondering where your downfall began. Was it the childhood boyfriend or girlfriend that moved away for good? Was it a really bad break up from the “puppy love” you fell in during junior high? You need to process these feelings in your adult life no matter how minor they may seem to your current state of mind.

  • Open your journal and begin writing your feelings, reliving your past moments, and letting yourself experience the situation one more time.
  • Look for patterns in your failed relationships.
  • Think about how you felt when they left you, disappointed you, or broke up with you.

What did you do about those feelings? Did you ever work through them or did you just forget them, push them aside, and move on to the next relationship?
When you don’t deal with the emotions attached to each situation, you allow toxicities to take over your soul. 
After writing it out, ask God for help to heal the broken areas of your heart. Ask God to fix the wound that grief has left upon your soul. It is not going to be easy reliving your past experiences, but it will be highly beneficial to the health of your current or future relationships. Unhealed grief can cause further trauma in your life. Don’t miss out on a beautiful relationship that God wants to bless you with by keeping grief alive in your heart! Ask Him for help and you will recover!

Categories
Dating/Courting Single

8 Questions to Ask Singles Besides "Are You Dating Anyone?"

Categories
Single

Your Future Husband Is a Real Person: 3 Areas to Pray for Him

by Kay King
I don’t know about you, but I know God has someone out here for me. Someone he has molded specifically for me. Someone for me to do life and destiny with.
Even after being single for 6 years, I still believe that. Up until last year I would just sit around and wait, until I came across a prayer challenge where they were praying for their future husbands.
It made so much sense, why do I need to wait until I’m married to start praying like a wife? My future husband needs covering now.
So I joined the challenge and even after the challenge ended,  I continue to pray.
Here’s 3 areas in which you can use to start your own prayer challenge for your future husband.
 
 

1. His relationship with Christ

We know that the Lord is the center of it all and He will certainly be the center of my marriage. So I pray prayers regarding my future husband’s spiritual maturity. I pray that he understands how our marriage should be a reflection of Christ and the Church. I also pray that through his relationship with Christ,  he learns how to be an effective leader. I pray that my future husband’s heart is aligned with Christ. It’s so important that he knows Christ and that he puts his relationship with Christ first.
Sample prayer: Lord, I pray that my future husband is committed to his relationship with you. I pray that each and every day he is maturing and growing in wisdom in all areas of his life. I pray that he is fervently studying your word and putting your word to action. Lord guide him in all truth and knowledge and help him to learn how to lead like you. Align his heart with yours so that he is able to take on your mindset concerning marriage and family. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

2. Purity

This is a huge one. We live in a world where it’s so easy to get exposed to sex, so I pray for my future husbands ear gates and eye gates. I know that wherever he turns he will likely see something sexual, so it’s important to pray his strength in this area. I even pray about his previous relationships and that he has been delivered and healed. I also know that the Jezebel spirit is real, so I always make sure I pray against that controlling and manipulating spirit. I pray that he is committed to pleasing God in this area because I know it takes a strong man to stand on the side of what’s right.
Sample prayer: Lord, I know that there is much out here today that can cause a man to fall into temptation so I am praying today that my future husband’s eyes be set on you. I pray that he has made the choice to honor you with his body and that he is focused on keeping his promise. I pray against every Jezebel spirit that would try to control and manipulate him into making choices that wouldn’t please you. Give him strength in this area. I ask that every soul tie be broken in the name of Jesus and that no residue be left from previous relationships. I pray that he be healed and delivered. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

3. Identity

It’s so important that your future husband understand who he is, not only as a man but as a man of God. When a man lacks identity, he lacks purpose and if he lacks purpose then he doesn’t need a help meet (a wife). So I pray for my husband’s identity, I pray that he finds who he is in and through Christ. I always pray against generational curses and word curses. It’s tough out here to be a man. Everyone has an idea of who and what you should be, but I pray daily that He seeks the Lord regarding his identity. I pray that he has the endurance to continue to strive for his purpose and passion. I also pray that he enters into the fullness of who God called him to be.
Sample prayer: Lord, I know that my future husband is under constant attack concerning the area of his purpose. I know the devil would love nothing more than for him to just give up but today I pray against every attack that would come his way. I pray against every word curse that has been spoken over his life contrary to what You have said and called him to be. Help him to recognize generational curses in his bloodline, so that he may confront them and break them. I pray continuously that he be the strong leader that You’ve made him to be. I pray that he seeks you more than ever and that with every encounter, he’s refreshed and able to endure what comes. I pray that he comes into the fullness of who you have called him to be and that even when he stumbles, he will humble himself and get back up. I know he’s going to be an amazing husband because he has such an amazing example, You. I thank you in advance. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
It’s important to cover your husband in prayer. Why not get an early start? Husbands have a great deal of weight on their shoulders and it’s important that you show him that you have his back. The best way to show that is to be a praying wife.
So stop praying for a husband and start praying specific prayers for YOUR husband.
I would love to hear from you and what prayers you are praying. Follow my blog Single Woman’s Diary on WordPress and Follow me on Facebook.

Categories
Marriage Single

There's No Point In Getting Married

Pensive girl. Looking through the window. Holding mobile. Thinking what to do. Great light caming from the window.
“There’s no point in getting married.” I can’t begin to express how many times I’ve heard this sentiment from my single friends. “All married people do is argue, fight, and talk about how it’s the most difficult journey they’ve ever embarked upon. So if that’s what I have to look forward to, then what’s the point”?
It wasn’t until I began to truly evaluate what my friends were saying that I was hit with a blaring truth. The majority of us married people don’t paint the best picture of marriage for someone that someday aspires to build a happy and healthy marriage.
We’re all guilty of it. Just recently, I found myself attempting to help my younger brother by letting him know how much work a marriage is. The fact of the matter is, that statement is true! Marriage is very hard work, but that’s only a part of the story. With this in mind, I wanted to paint a better more complete picture for all of my single brothers and sisters out there that aspire to someday build a special marriage so that you don’t give up on the idea of finding that special someone to tie the knot with.
I like to think of marriage as a permanent sleepover with your best friend. Just like any relationship, it won’t always be peaches and cream. Some days, there will be some speeches and screams. Anytime you merge two individuals from many various backgrounds, each with their own set of ideals, habits, and customs, there will be a period of time it takes to get on the same page. The key to building anything is to start with a solid foundation!
The same is true for your marriage. You must start by intentionally building the foundation centered upon truth, love, patience, understanding, kindness, honesty, open communication, and the love of Christ into your marriage. This is the “work” part that all of your married friends and family are always talking about, and truth be told, they’re not lying when they say it’s not easy.
However, once you and your mate establish that you’re in this together and you’re committed to always work together and pull in the same direction, the payoff for your work is far greater than anything you could ever imagine.
You gain real true unconditional love.
You gain safety when you lonely and afraid.
When you can’t sleep late at night because all off the cares and worries that present themselves in life, you gain someone to hold you close and provide comfort.
You gain a friend with will cover you with prayer constantly!
You gain someone to live a life of worship with!
You gain someone to share your home and refuge from the world with.
You gain someone to smile with, laugh with, cry with, share milestone moments with, build a family with, and more than anything, you learn what grace and mercy are all about through a real friend who’s there for you no matter what happens in this life.
So, the next time you hear your married friends talking about how difficult marriage is, remember these three things and be encouraged:
1)They’re only trying to let you know to prepare yourself for the great work that is to come
2)The work you put in will yield many of your life’s greatest joys, triumphs, and accomplishments
3)Nothing worth having comes without work and great sacrifice!

Categories
Single

The Problem With Situationships

You’re seeing this person, you’re not in a relationship, but you do relationship things. Your heart is attached, but there is no commitment.  You dream of a future but they constantly remind you, there is none. WHY, oh Why do you do this to yourself?
 
As for me, my situationship brought forth comfort. If I couldn’t be in a relationship, why not be in a pretend relationship? Why not get a free meal, free cuddle time, and enjoy the company of another. It was harmless, or so I thought. It wasn’t until my heart was fully invested that I realized the harm this “situationship” was about to present. What started as lots of fun, ended in tears and heartache.
 
I thought I could eventually win his heart, making him love me the way I loved him. That was, until he made it extremely clear that he would leave me if his dream girl crossed his path. I wish someone had shared with me the one simple, yet HUGE, problem with “situationships”.
 
So, what’s the problem? Truth be told, “situationships” are mirages, they are counterfeit experiences and will ultimately cause more problems! It’s presented as the ultimate prize, when it’s intrinsic value doesn’t even come close!
 
I’ll never forget being in a service and the preacher said, the enemy waits for an opportune time, just like he did Jesus. Remember after Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, the devil attempted to present Jesus with what appeared to be all of earth’s kingdoms. In exchange, all he had to do was bow down to the devil. Of course Jesus sent him on his way.
 
Unlike Jesus, those of us who find ourselves in “situationships” give in to the temptation. We’ll settle for what’s being offered to us, with no consideration of the future. Though Jesus was tempted, he stayed the course, resulting in him fulfilling his purpose and being worshiped by all nations, (psalms 66:4); the very thing the enemy promised. Truth is, the enemy knows our future and does his best to hinder us from reaching it. He knew who Jesus would be to all the earth and TRIED to deter him from it. Yep he tried it, and if he tried it with Jesus, he’ll try it with you!
 
Don’t give up the real for the mirage aka a “situationship”. Your future and those attached to your obedience depends on your ability to move beyond what the enemy presents. Be encouraged, and remember nothing fake can ever produce anything real. Wait on the real deal! Know if you are being presented with the mirage, the real thing MUST BE AMAZING and then some!!!!!

Categories
Single

5 Types of Women Not Ready For Marriage

by Kay King
When we’re young we read about Prince Charming coming and sweeping the Princess off her feet and riding off on a horse to their “happily ever after”. It’s like it’s embedded in our heads. We grow up thinking that’s how it’ll be until all of sudden, we learn that it’s just a fairy tale, a story.
As I was sitting and thinking about my own Prince Charming and talking with God and asking him when he’s going to come, the Lord showed me myself. How many times do we think to ourselves, this is the type of man I want. Or when you see a man displaying characteristics that are ones you want in your husband, you say Lord send me someone like that. We spend more time talking about what kind of man we want versus what kind of woman we are.
If the saying “you attract what you are” is even a tad bit true, then it makes you think, am I worthy of the man I’m waiting for? See it’s unfair to expect so much from him and place less expectations on ourselves.
So when God showed me myself, I started writing down the things I’d seen. It made me think, am I the type of woman someone is looking for. Through this personal analysis of myself came my next blog.
Here’s my list of 5 types of women who are not ready for marriage:

1. THE INSECURE WOMAN

Now while we all deal with insecurities, there are some women who are driven by theirs. Meaning, they are always talking about themselves in a negative manner or fishing for compliments to help boost their self esteem. The insecure woman usually is overly flirtatious and wants to be the center of attention. She depends on reactions from others.
As women, we should never go into a marriage expecting to get our self worth from our husband. It is God who has set our worth and it is our husbands who uphold that standard. Relying on your spouse to set your self worth be a dangerous game,  they are there to affirm but our worth was never to meant to be set by them.

2. THE CONFUSED WOMAN

Of course, we don’t always have everything figured out but you should at least know if you want to be in a committed relationship or know if you want to get married. We all know the bible tells us confusion is not of the Lord, so why is it that one day we say we want to get married and then two weeks later, we’ve changed our minds. This could be the reason you’re single. You have no resolve about your future. 
What man wants to put his all into a relationship, he isn’t sure is going anywhere? Why should he put himself out there and pursue you, if he you’re unsure if you even want to be in a relationship? Remember healthy relationships are marked by peace, not by doubt and fear. 

3. THE CONTROLLING WOMAN

This is the woman, who wants to take on the lead role and wants to be control of everything. In other words, she wants to wear the pants in the relationship. I don’t know if you know this or not but God didn’t intend two men to be in a relationship together. He also didn’t design women to be the head. (1 Corinthians 11) So if you’re the type of woman who always has an opinion about how he dresses, how he eats, how he speaks and who he’s friends with, then you may find yourself single a little bit longer. No man wants a control freak.
After all, you’re not his mama, he has already left the nest and raising a man is NOT your job. So stop trying to control everything about him.

4. THE CLINGY WOMAN

This is the woman, who makes the relationship the center of her universe. Everything she does is based on this relationship. She has no friends outside of this relationship, she has no interest or activities outside of the relationship. She just wants to be around the one she’s married to 24/7. She hangs out with his friends, she’s always tagging along for the boys night out. Now don’t get me wrong, we all know relationships go through that honey moon stage, however, being too clingy can be unhealthy for both parties involved. Ladies, let me give you some advice, get a life.
No man is going to be able to spend every minute of every day with you. I mean how can he miss you, if you’re always around. You need time a part, he needs guy time and you need girl time. So get yourself a hobby or friends of your own.

5. THE ANGRY WOMAN

Let it go. Why are you always mad at your family, at your friends, at society? Always arguing with your co-workers. I mean, you’re just mad at life. Nothing makes you happy. You’re always into some drama and it’s always someone else’s fault. 
Men don’t want to be with an angry woman. Listen, as men, they already face so much out in the world. They don’t want to come home to your drama too. And no, I’m not saying you have to hide your feelings, however, you do need to know how to bring your emotions under subjection and not let them rule you. Men are strong, but I don’t know any man that is strong enough to take on a angry woman. There will always be a lack of communication and there’s always going to be the blame game.  Proverbs 21:19 It’s better to live alone in the desert, than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.
Now I know none of you who are reading this is any of these women… right? LOL
While I know I won’t ever be perfect, I know there are still areas in which I can improve. God wouldn’t have wanted me to look inward if that were not the case. So instead of focusing  on getting married, I’m going to focus on myself. I’m going to continue to build my empire, my ministry and allow God to mold me into a suitable wife. 
I would hate to ask God to send me the one and when He arrived, not be ready.
 

Categories
Single

5 Things I Miss About My Pre-Wife and Pre-Mommy Days

Mother enjoying a rest
Let me just begin this article by clarifying and letting it be known, that there is no desire in me to be single again or to not have children. I am so grateful for the single-season I had and all God accomplished through me, as well as my months before we had our first child. It allowed my husband I to grow and be more in love. I am sharing this post to let the mommies and the wives, who are currently in this position, know they are not alone and for those waiting for a mate or even children to enjoy where they are. God has great plans for all of us, it is just important to enjoy them while we can and not take each season for granted. However, without further ado here are 1o things I miss about my pre-wife and pre-mommy days.
1.  Sleep– Especially with the children.  In my single days I thought I would fall apart if I got less than 6 to 7 hours a night, well something magical happens when you become a mom, you literally have to keep going. If I had a way to conserve sleep in my single days I would have.
2. Space– As singles we all cry for someone to share a bed with, as a married person sometimes all you want is some space (unless your love language is touch). Enjoy your bed. I know it may feel cold some nights, but at least you can sleep sprayed out if you want. When the children are added to your bed space, you will literally be sleeping in a pile or on the edge.
3. Quality Grooming Time– Honestly, if I could just get ten minutes to shower, shave or even use the bathroom without some little ones at my door I would be a happy woman. Enjoy your 30-minute bubble baths and 20-minute grooming sessions. The little ones will want to be a part of every routine. As hard as it is, you will see you do not want it any other way.
4. Cooking What I Want- As a single person, I could eat cereal and go to bed. When you have a husband to feed and then children to feed, you have to meal plan and make healthy meals. Singles use this time to create the diet that is beneficial to you, it is easier to diet while single than when you have someone to feed as well as little ones with picky diets.
5. Free Hands For Worship– I am a wild worshiper, I would jump and spin and do all I needed to do. I remember now being single and telling myself: “Go all out, because when the babies come it will be restricted”. Worship and church service time are times where you have to split your attention. The thing I have learned is that worship is not just about hands being raised, but that I worship God every day, as I use my hands in service to my children and my husband.
May you all be blessed in whatever season God has you in, enjoy it, and grow form it.