Category: Single
Your single season is not a waste of time or a curse; it is a time of blessing and preparation. It is a time that God has set aside to make you into what He wants you to be for your future spouse. Singleness is a time of blessing and waiting where God is cultivating godly qualities in you that you can offer your future spouse. Singleness is a gift from God, where you can be devoted to Him, loving Him with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength (Mark 12:30). Here are three tips to help you embrace your season of singleness:
- Embrace your Value. When you are single, it is easy to think that you are incomplete because of not having a spouse. This is further from the truth. Being single in God only defines your relationship status. In 1 Peter 2:9, God sees you as a “His chosen, a royal priesthood, and His special possession.” Embrace your season and fill your time with pursuing God as your first love, traveling, meeting new people, trying a new hobby, and giving back to others. Allow God to refine the qualities and traits in your life, remaining open to His direction and voice to stay aligned with His will.
- Turn to God. Sometimes it can be hard trusting God’s plan for your life, which can cause you to look in the wrong places to fulfill your need for love. But remember that trusting God’s plan for your life will prevent desperation and heartache if you will let Him be your guide. Because God’s love is amazing, cultivating a relationship with Him is a true blessing as you wait for your future spouse.
- Pray for Your Future Spouse. Isn’t it awesome to know that God is preparing your future spouse before He reveals them? So why not pray for them before you meet them? When praying for your future spouse, ask God to meet their needs, pray for their preparation, character, heart, growth, purity, ministry, and obedience to Him. As you pray, everything will happen in God’s timing while you are in your waiting season.
As you embrace these three tips, take the time to thank God for His gift of singleness because He has amazing things in store for your future marriage!
“It won’t be that easy” God whispered after I literally exhausted my last option for a relationship. He said it loud and clear on March 31st 2011 around 5pm, while I laid in the floor of my dorm room. Yes, I remember the day and time like it was yesterday. My desperation for a relationship lead me to a point where I was willing to settle for someone I had avoided for years.
After finally surrendering my relationship status to God (well surrendering the guy I knew I wasn’t suppose to be with), I expected for my dream guy to waltz in my life. You know? I was finally ready for the man God had for me, or so I thought.
I later learned why it wouldn’t be that easy. Before God could send me my prince, I had to be whole! Problem with some people, myself included, is that we don’t take the time necessary to heal from previous wounds, engage in self-exploration, or fall madly in love with Christ before pursuing another relationship. Instead we change the bandages on our wounds hoping to present ourselves as “brand new”.
I now appreciate God’s gentle whisper, “It wont be that easy” as it forced me to do all of the above stated (fall in love with him, examine my heart and motives, as well as heal from previous relational wounds). Ironically so, I now date the same individual I attempted to “settle” with year’s prior. Had he been given to me during the time that I thought I was “ready”, I would have ruined a relationship destined for greatness due to the lack of value I saw in him!
It’s amazing how God works when we surrender our will to his! No lie, (yes, no lie), God always brings things full circle. To this day, I am amazed at how the one I once ONLY desired to settle with, has become a manifestation of my prayers!
Here’s a bit of advice, don’t become angry that “love” hasn’t found it’s way to you as quickly as you’d hoped. Instead, in your time of waiting, ensure you have the capacity to sustain the relationship your heart so desires! That way, when it does find you, you’ll never let go!
XOXO,
Shan
Five years before my wife became my wife, we were stuck in summer school together. Our school had cubicles lining the walls and she was two cubicles away from where I sitting. I feel bad for the poor, innocent soul who sat in the cubicle between ours; he was stuck right in the middle of two star-struck teens, in the thick of our teen angst.
We would toss little notes of wadded graph paper back and forth between cubicles. We did this all summer long; it’s how we passed our time! But one day, it all changed. Sarah wasn’t even my girlfriend at the time, but there was obvious chemistry between us. I knew how I felt, but was far too afraid to tell her—and even more terrified to discover how she felt.
This little game of ours went on without a hitch—until one day, our safe little world was cracked wide open. After a fun night hanging out with our friends, she looked at me differently as she got back into her car. The next day, she was obviously being tormented by some distant musings. I asked her if anything was wrong, but she couldn’t give me a straight answer. I was frustrated and bewildered by the complexity of the female mind, and returned to my little cubicle, none the wiser.
As our four-hour summer classes ended that day, that familiar little wadded up ball of paper landed on my desk—but this time, with a thud. This one changed my world. “I’m OK, Dan. I just never expected to fall in love with my best friend.”
What? Excuse me, WHAT?!
True Love’s Aftermath
As I went to work after that stunning revelation that Sarah was in love…with me…my mind was awhirl with questions, and joy, and terror.
When you discover that the individual that you’ve been pining after with trembling hands and heart ablaze feels the same way, everything changes. Navigating the precarious waters of being in love is a beautiful, yet delicate situation.
I’d like to help you out. When you discover that it’s love, remember these three things: recall your standards, act with chivalry, and stay calm.
Recall Your Standards.
When you fall in love, it is so easy and very tempting to follow your heart. As romantic and poetic as this notion sounds, the biblical principle is to follow the Holy Spirit. Your heart is still in process and development. In the nostalgic and whimsical realm of love, I had to remember what true love looks like, which is often to protect your relationship and your hearts, at the expense of impulsivity. Remember your vows of purity, and adhere to them. It is easy to fall to prey to impulses when your heart suppresses your rationale.
Act with Chivalry.
I knew that I had Sarah wrapped around my finger, and she knew she had me at her beck and call, also. It would have been easy for me to act on instinct, rather than respect. Don’t allow your flesh to mute your chivalry. Serve him or her. Be honest. Be the you that he or she fell in love with.
Stay Calm.
When that bomb dropped and I learned of Sarah’s true feelings for me, I panicked. What if I couldn’t sustain her feelings? What if she got to know me more intimately, and learned that I was more human than she had originally thought? These thoughts are normal. What I learned instead was to take it step by step, day by day. Your significant other fell in love with you. Not your superhero alter ego! Understand that, yes, your companion will see your flaws, but true love will pick up where infatuation leaves off.
Categories
Is He or She the One?
co-authored with Culus Williams
Many singles find themselves feeling helpless in their waiting period. They find themselves wondering, “What can I do to help myself?” I wrote an article last month, encouraging singles to “Position Yourself to be Found” Check out the article here: https://53722c5514.nxcli.net/position-yourself-to-be-found/
Are you in the position, “What happens next?” You are now a target for a good thing or a counterfeit. The enemy will send the counterfeit to tempt you to settle for someone that God didn’t design for you. The enemy will always send a representative that fits the description of everything that you’re prayed for in a mate.
The scripture that encouraged me to inspire you is: “1 Chronicles 28:9 The Lord knows what is in everyone’s mind. He understands everything you think. If you go to him for help, you will get an answer.”
Just because someone pursues you (ladies) or responds (men) – it doesn’t mean they are the one for you. Pray that this is the one that God has for you. The man or woman that God has for you will not only talk the talk but they will walk the walk.
Don’t let their words sweep you off your feet or their charming looks deceive you. Go to God in prayer and ask him to reveal it to you. His word tells us, if we go to him for help, he will answer us.
I’m sure you’ve heard this time and time again but it’s so true – “TRUST GOD!”
Let me share this as well. Just because a man or woman attends church doesn’t mean they are the right one. You still need to pray that this is the person that God has for you. They may go to church but it doesn’t mean they are a doer of God’s word. Even if they approach you, it’s okay to reject their offer. Some people are meant to just be acquaintances or even our friends.
Here’s another helpful insight. If God’s answer is “NO” keep it moving and don’t look back. If God doesn’t answer – just sit and observe that persons actions. If their actions don’t line up with the word of God, keep it moving.
One last point, if God gives you a “YES.” Then know that God has also given that person confirmation that you’re the one. God isn’t the author of confusion – he will speak to both of you. Amen!
I desire for you to be connected to the right one. Meditate on 1 Chronicles 28:9 and allow God to direct your path during the pursuing season.
There is a significant difference between a Project and a Potential Mate and it is imperative to distinguish the difference between the two.
A project is a person who you connect with and take on the role of helping them to strengthen their relationship with God. A project may or may not have a genuine motive to pursue God and they often seek your help to guide them.
On the other hand, a potential is someone who is already spiritually at your level. This person has a consistent relationship with the Lord and the fruit of their relationship with God can be visibly seen and verified. A potential is someone who you can help grow spiritually, but he/she can also help you to grow in areas as well. You sharpen one another and you are both actively pursuing God without the persuasion of someone else.
Here are 3 Dangers of Mistaking a Project for a Potential Mate:
1. Projects Are NOT Suitable Helpers or Ready to Lead! Just because they gave their life to God with your help, does not mean He sent them to you for the purpose of a romantic relationship. Mistaking a project for your help meet or yourself as their help meet is not wise.
Men of God, it is deception to believe a woman who has yet to establish fruit in her relationship with God will be equipped to bear fruit in one with you. Genesis 2:18 tells us “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” If you are walking with a woman who has yet to discover her true identity in Christ, is it even possible for her to understand her role as your Help Meet? Furthermore, if she is not in a position to help herself, how can you expect her to help you?
Gentlemen, if she cannot HELP you, can she really be your Help Meet? Women of God, if Ephesians 5:23 says “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church”, how can your Project be your Potential Mate if you are leading him? If he has not allowed God to transform his nature and to first teach him how to become a student of the word and a son of God first, why promote him to Hubby status? No matter how much time and energy you invest in your project, only God can make a man of God out of him. Ladies God never intended for you to take on His job!
2. Are you Equally Yoked? It’s great you desire to help them, but keep in mind you are not on the same level as a project and you are unequally yoked with them. When defining what it means to be unequally yoked with someone many times we only focus on the first part of 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers”. However, there is more to this scripture…”for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness”? If a man/ woman professes to be a believer but has yet to be transformed by God, can you honestly say you are equally yoked with him/her? It’s great they are now attending church regularly, but have they endured the process of allowing the light of Christ to remove the darkness from within them? The truth is, a project is not spiritually mature enough to be yoked to anyone!
3. You Risk Becoming the God in Their Life. When the lines of a project relationship crossover into a romantic relationship, it is most likely that the person guiding the relationship will attempt to mold the project into what they desire them to be. This is extremely dangerous because if the focus shifts from leading him/her to the Lord to leading them to your own heart, what happens when they encounter you but have yet to truly encounter God? When this occurs there is a strong possibility that you may become an idol or the savior in their life. It is important to not allow yourself to become a stumbling block (Corinthians 8:9) or an idol to the project in order to fulfill your own motives and desires.
Unmarried men and women, all projects have a deadline! Attempting to hold on to a project relationship beyond its expiration date will most likely lead to failure. Mistaking a project for a potential can cause you to extend a season that should have ended a long time ago. Projects are designed to remain in your life for only a season. When you extend this season longer than necessary, you delay the arrival of your potential as a result of being consumed with attempting to form a covenant with a temporary project.
Categories
How to Find Real Love Online
Living in a continuously advancing digital age comes with countless benefits, I mean we practically have the world at our finger tips with the unlimited amount of access we have. There seems to be an app for everything these days; just think of any convenient, or wild far fetched idea, and there’s probably an app for it. From finding the closest garage sales, to locating the best donut, to catching as many pocket monsters you can; you name it, its out there. And if for any reason it isn’t…you can make it happen! And it’s just the same for finding love. There are tons of dating apps that suit pretty much anything or anyone you’re looking for. However, it seems that despite all of the ways there are to get what we want, it is still so few and far between. Now I’m not claiming to have all of the answers, but I know how it should be done.
1.) Look past the cover– In a day and age where we can get what pleases our eyes by merely swiping right is nothing short of distasteful. I’m not saying physical attraction isn’t important, but when you reduce someones qualities by looks alone, than you’re not getting anywhere close to the true nature of a person. You have to look beyond the surface, as the old saying goes “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
2.) Keep your values– Lets face it, not everyone online is really looking for “love” but its important to stick with your intentions. If real love is what you’re looking for, then you should be seeking nothing but that, or else you’ll be trapped in someone else’s web of “love.”
3.) Don’t force it– Just because you’ve met someone that has the “potential”of being the one doesn’t mean they are. If your gut tells you to move right along, then you most likely should.
4.) Don’t subject yourself– If you feel that you have to post suggestive photos of yourself in order to be appealing, then you’re not going to attract anyone who is looking beyond what you’re suggesting.
5.) The right site– There are tons of online dating sites to choose from, but its important to do your due diligence by investing your time on the ones that are known to deliver. Steer away from the ones that are solely known for… well you know what.
6.) Be Authentic– Creating an online profile that displays the true you, and at the same time be gravitating can feel like your own personal human advertisement. However, always remain authentic, the right person will love you for you.
“Don’t worry, the right person will come along at the right time.”
“They don’t know what they are missing out on.”
“You’re such a catch.”
Any of these phrases sound familiar?
I remember going through my single season and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” Often times I felt like I had so much to offer, yet no one seemed interested in it.
Was I not pretty enough?
Did I not try hard enough to put myself out there?
Were there aspects of my personality that I didn’t see, but others found unattractive?
Being single can be one of the most vulnerable places. I started comparing myself to those around me – friends in long term relationships, others engaged, standing up in weddings for friends getting married, all while my “Prince Charming” seemed nowhere in sight. Here are some things I did through my season of singleness and how I navigated through it.
Affirm yourself.
One of the greatest challenges as a single is that it forces you to become your biggest supporter/cheerleader, and often your first affirmer aside from God. In a world that has taught you to find your affirmation elsewhere, the idea of drawing it from above and within can seem foreign. You are your hottest commodity – act like it! If you do not find value in yourself, how do you expect others to see it?
Set goals for where you want to go.
Don’t let the lack of a relationship or the potential of a future one keep you from accomplishing where you want to go. Use this time to push yourself to greater levels and make yourself the best version of you. If you have no vision or goals, where do you expect to go in a relationship? A relationship without vision or direction is a waste of time and will only fulfill you temporarily.
Accept it’s not your timing but God’s.
I will be the first to say, NO ONE LIKES THIS ANSWER. But be patient! You never know what God may be teaching you, or your future spouse, that may be pertinent to unlocking personal growth, and preparing both hearts for a relationship. Would you rather rush to your destination and get into a crash, or trust the time/path God is taking you, to arrive where He planned at the right time.
It’s OKAY to desire a relationship and still be confident in who you are at the time.
People seem to have a hard time with the idea of both – you’re either in a relationship or you have to portray yourself as someone focused elsewhere. It’s okay to be open about wanting a relationship, and no it doesn’t make you look desperate or unable to be on your own. If it is truly a desire of your heart, don’t allow others to dictate the way you feel about wanting a relationship.
And just a few last words of advice:
- Seek counsel from those that can bring an objective view about you.
Whether your mentor or professional counseling, personal growth and development can bring about healing and positive changes. Becoming more self-aware can help prepare you for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
- Position Yourself to Be Found.
Are you going other places outside of work and home? Try getting out with friends, getting more actively involved with your hobbies, or volunteering for a cause that means a lot to you. All of these places are great ways to meet people and you will already have things in common! Don’t count out online dating as well! It’s worked for many and some of our closest friends.
- Guard Your Heart.
I know this seems silly after basically telling you to “put yourself out there,” but in all seriousness, have boundaries. Don’t feel that you have to give more than you are ready to, and don’t settle for someone that is below your standards (in regards to foundational principles or values). Settling to get a relationship in the now will only cause you hurt and emotional turmoil in the future if/when things do not work out.
Remember – you are worthy! You are valued. You are loved. Don’t send yourself to the clearance aisle when you were made to be one of a kind!
Anyone else struggle with feeling “not good enough?” What are some things that helped you find value in YOU?
If you’re anything like me, you could rattle off a handful of characteristics that you’re looking for in a spouse. Ranging from values, to appearance, to similar interests, it’s easy to dream up the ‘ideal spouse’ and filter your dating experiences through that lens. While that’s all fine and dandy, I believe there are some characteristics that require a little more scrutiny and often get overlooked, but can greatly impact the quality of a long-term relationship. Here are a few traits to search for if you’re wanting to find someone who will be your forever person.
1) Someone That Will Choose You
The idea of a marriage where both people are head over heels in love every minute sure is a nice thought, but… completely unrealistic. If you are dating someone that seems to be looking for that type of relationship, you’ll want to get a deeper understanding of how they view marriage and how they will handle adversity before it gets serious. Look for a person who knows that there is intentionality involved in a commitment.
2) Someone Who is Open to Self-Improvement
If the person you’re interested in makes comments like ‘this is just the way I am,’ or ‘I’ve always done things this way’ you may want to ask more questions to see where they stand on self-improvement. Marriage involves compromise, so if your significant other is set in his/her ways, it could create some major conflict later on. But if your love interest is working on weaknesses and is wanting to continually better themselves, there is a great chance that they will carry that into a marriage – allowing an opportunity for both of you to be your best for the other!
3) Contentedness
Is the person you’re dating happy with themselves and their life as it is? Or are they constantly looking for the next best thing? If he/she doesn’t seem to be content, they might be looking to you to be their source of happiness. If this is the case, it’s inevitable that either a) you will get burnt out trying to keep them happy or b) they will look for someone or something else to fill that void. True contentedness comes from a rooted identity in God, and when both people are grounded in that truth, there is an added stability to the relationship.
4) Values What You Value
Simply put – you will want to be with someone who cares about your dreams and desires if you want to really thrive in those areas of your life. If your significant other isn’t interested in the areas of your life that you are most passionate about, it could easily bring discouragement and tension. Note – this doesn’t mean that you have to share the exact same passions.
5) Sees the Big Picture
Does your significant other have long term plans? Are they careful with their finances? Do they know what they want to do career-wise? Do they know if they want to have a family? These are areas of life that could significantly affect both of you down the road, and so it’s important to find out where he/she stands on these issues before getting serious.
6) Has a Positive View on Family
Our histories with family influence our thoughts and actions greatly. Some have learned how to do family well because that’s the example that was set. But there are some people who have been so hurt by their family that they either a) resent family in general, b) haven’t recognized it and therefore repeat the same mistakes their family may have made, or hopefully, c) want to completely redeem their family history. Ask questions about your significant other’s history and get an understanding on how they view family. If they have a negative outlook you may want to be cautious before promising them forever.
7) Betters Others
Is the person you’re interested in the type that wants to bring out the best in others or convince them to make poor choices in one way or another? I have dated both types, and found that the latter has a way of sucking the life out of you. Pay attention to the type of influence he/she has on you – chances are pretty good that it will carry into marriage!
All in all, there’s much to think about before making a long term commitment to another person…with good reason! You’ll never find a perfect person, but paying attention to the little things could set you both up for a successful marriage. And don’t forget – your ‘forever person’ won’t just possess these qualities, but will be looking for someone who has them as well!
Have you been hurt in the past or disappointed by a relationship you hoped would work but didn’t? Are you open to the idea of entering into a relationship again by courting? If so, it is very important to make sure your heart is ready for love. Here are a few steps to help you on your way:
Step 1 – Stabilize Your Foundation
It is imperative that your heart be stabilized and built on the foundation of Christ. Without taking the time to intentionally build an intimate relationship with the one who formed your heart, you are willingly setting yourself up to fail in your future relationship – and, truth be told, in relationships in general. Having a stabilized foundation in Christ helps you to:
- Forgive quickly and easily
- Problem solve and communicate from a place of humility
- Maintain control over your emotions
- Maintain sobriety
And the list goes on…
Step 2 – Cut the Ties in Your Heart to Ex-Relationships
If you’ve been involved in a past relationship, make sure to search your heart regarding possible emotional ties to that old relationship. You may have hidden expectations and desires to return to a relationship with your ex. Holding on to “the old” will cause you to look for the qualities and characteristics of “the old” in the person who could possibly be “the one.” Because your heart is still tied to your ex, you could unconsciously compare your ex to “the one” and miss out on a beautiful relationship because “the one” doesn’t exemplify the same qualities or characteristics.
Step 3 – Rid Yourself of the Toxicity of Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness is a terrible poison that keeps you from opening your heart. It eventually turns into pride and causes you to become a selfish person. Does that sound like anyone you would want to be in a relationship with? I didn’t think so. This is why it’s important that you take the time to willingly let go of grudges, regrets, and feelings of revenge. If you desire marriage, you must desire to forgive quickly.
Step 4 – Willingly Learn to Trust Again
I completely understand that trusting someone can be difficult, and can be even more difficult if you’ve been hurt before. However, the truth of the matter is that to know when “the one” has come, you must be able to trust God. From there, you must be able to willingly trust the person you decided to be in a relationship with. Trust issues cause tensions and feelings of uncertainty. They also rob your relationship of peace. If a person hasn’t given you a reason not to trust, don’t punish them because of your own insecurities or because of the hurt you experienced at the hands of another.
Step 5 – Mature Your Heart & Purify Your Motives
You may ask, “How exactly do I do that?” Well, it all starts with prayer and devotional life. Maintaining a disciplined prayer and devotional life helps your heart, as well as your life motives to become more like Christ. The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Guess what? Your motives are generated from the heart. So clean up that heart and make room for the blessing God has for you.
Step 6 – Remove the Guard That Keeps Away “The One”
When you’ve experienced hurt, sometimes you will guard your heart, so much so that you could become cold-hearted. Basically, you’re not allowing anyone into your heart; you’re hanging a sign on it saying “Do Not Enter” or “Love Not Wanted.” If you truly desire marriage, you have to remove the guard. It can be scary doing so because your guard keeps you from feeling the pain of disappointment and rejection. But, let me be honest with you. You will never discover “the one” with a guard on your heart. In reality, the guard rejects the “the one.”
Step 7 – Maintain a Healthy Heart While Waiting
Continue to do heart checks on a regular basis. Check your heart for any damage and fix it immediately. Prolonging dealing with heart issues causes the issues to become more deeply embedded and more difficult to heal from. In addition, feed your heart good things, such as the scriptures; pray over your heart and remain accountable and honest with the issues within it to those you trust.
Get to work, your future spouse will thank you!