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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

3 Problems Blaming Others For Your Actions Creates

The blame game has been going on for many years. Even when Adam and Eve were confronted about their mistakes in the Garden of Eden they blamed someone else. When asked why he did what he did, Adam went from calling Eve “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh” to “that woman you put here with me.” (Genesis 2:23 & Genesis 3:12). When Eve was asked why she did what she did, she blamed the serpent (Genesis 3:13). It seems like we have always had problems taking responsibility for our actions. This accountability issue is still heavily present in our generation today.
This creates 3 HUGE problems.
1. The first problem with the blame game is that it takes the ability to change the situation out of your hands. If ALL your problems are TRULY someone else’s fault, then you can’t do anything about it. But, if you were to admit that you were responsible for a lot of these problems, if not all of your problems, then you become empowered to change them. Once you begin to look for what you could have done differently to stop the problem from occurring and what you can do now to fix the problem, you are no longer a victim who has no say or control, but are now the answer/solution to your problems!!
2. The second problem with the blame game is that it makes it nearly impossible for you to grow as a person. If you are constantly focusing on the spec in someone else’s eye, it’s going to be hard for you to fix the plank in your own eye. When you refuse to take fault when you are at fault, you are actually cheating yourself out of a valuable growth opportunity. You can’t fix something you don’t first recognize is broken. When you come out of denial and begin to focus on your own issues, you can then begin to fix them, which will result in personal growth!
3. The third problem with the blame game is that it makes having any kind of meaningful, long-term, and truly loving relationship impossible. If you view every issue as being someone else’s fault you will be quick to leave, quit, and give up, and you will always be looking for someone else who can make you happier. You will never be satisfied. You will be constantly running from problems, only to find out the one consistent problem in your life is YOU! This will affect ALL of your relationships such as:

  • Friendship: If you refuse to believe you are a part of the problem, you will constantly be fluctuating between friends groups and will never truly find those life-long friends. No friend is perfect, including you. If you can’t seem to maintain friends to save your life, you may want to re-evaluate what the issue really is.
  • Family: It really is possible to get along with your family even if you have different value systems and views. Just because they may be a little different from you doesn’t mean you can’t get along. If you have an estranged relationship with a primary family member, chances are you have played some role in the current status of that relationship.
  • Dating/Courting/Engaged/Married: “On to the next one” seems to be the motto we live by in our love relationships today. If we aren’t satisfied or happy with this person, well then we deserve to leave and find someone who will make us happy! The issue with this mentality is that the problem seems to continuously follow us around no matter who we are with, which leads to more boyfriends/girlfriends than we can count on fingers and toes, divorce, heartbreak, and an overall bitterness towards love. Well I’m here to tell you that no matter who you are with, you WILL have problems. Yes, I do believe that there are some people better suited for each other than others. However, no matter who you end up with, your issues will always be there waiting to be dealt with too. Once you realize that you have problems and that your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse chooses to love you and stay with you anyway, you will be less focused on their issues. Its easy to run away and skip and hop between relationships, but its also less fulfilling and will never result in the depths of love that can only be experienced in a deep committed covenant relationship.

Resolution: Although it will be uncomfortable, it is worth it to learn how to take responsibility for your actions and become accountable for who you are. Once you stop blaming others, you are free to change your life. You will gain both better relationships and a better you!
 
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
 

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Marriage

3 Words your husband needs to Hear You Say

I Trust You
Your husband needs to know without a shadow of a doubt you TRUST him.  Not just trusting in him, when he is doing something that you feel is right. But trusting in him even when you are uncomfortable.  You need to trust the God in him, and trust that he hears from God clearly, even when you do not understand. That’s why praying for your husband is so important. Prayer allows you to keep the right perspective towards your husband and marriage.
 
I Respect You
Men need to know that they are valued just like any human being. In my marriage, ways that I respect my husband is by making sure that I honor the budget that we have set out financially each month, not talking bad about him to others, honoring his wisdom, and allowing him to lead. I honor the man that he is and will become. My level of respect is not dependent upon his actions, but upon my love for him through the eyes of my Heavenly Father.
 
I Love You:
I know you love your husband, and you show it to him on a daily basis by being an amazing wife and mother. But he needs to hear you say it verbally as well. No man is “too tough” to resist those three words from his beautiful lady!  One thing I would like to learn in the future, is how to say “I Love You” in different languages and share them with my husband at spontaneous moments throughout our day. He may be a bit shocked or taken back in the beginning, but I’m sure once he finds out what I said he will be gleaning with joy!
 
I am learning daily through my marriage that it takes two yielded hearts towards God and one another to have a successful marriage.  These three words have blessed me tremendously in how I respond, love and care for my husband.  I truly believe that as I Trust, Respect and Love my husband that God will continue to fill me up with more and more of his revelation on how to be the wife, my husband Jamal is worthy to receive.

Categories
Marriage

Why Your Spouse Should Get the Leftovers

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Dating/Courting Engaged Single

5 Stages of A Relationship Done God's Way

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home

16 Questions to Ask the Person You're Thinking About Marrying

When you are first dating, it’s easy to get caught up in hours of endless conversation.  However, as the relationship progresses into something more serious, you realize that all that conversation may have missed some important topics.  We usually hit the big stuff about life (faith, careers, family, etc), but when it comes to specifics about our relationship, we often miss the opportunity to dig deeper.  When my husband and I were dating and hit that point, I wrote down some questions I wanted to know the answers to.  Luckily, I wrote them in my notes app on my phone, so I still have them to pass along to you.
 
Whether you are seriously dating, or even newly married, I recommend these as great conversation starters.  If you’re looking for tips on how to be subtle with these, I have none.  I literally whipped out my phone and started asking questions.  But these questions evolved into a great conversation where we were both able to get to know each other better.
 
This list is by no means exhaustive and if you have a question or topic you think would be a great addition, put it in the comments section.
 
1. What is something about your parents’ marriage that you like and hope to emulate?
 
2.  What is something about your parents’ marriage that you would like to avoid/ not do?
 
3.  When thinking about marriages that you admire, what are the qualities that you like and hope to develop?
 
4. When thinking about marriages that you do not admire, what are the qualities that you hope to avoid?
 
5. What personality traits do you have that would make you a good husband/wife?
 
6. Bad husband/wife?
 
7. What are traits or characteristics about me that you think would make me a good husband/wife?
 
8. Bad husband/wife?
 
9. Do you feel comfortable enough with me that you could talk to me about difficult subjects?
i.e. sin, physical appearance, behavior, money
 
10. What are some family traditions you would like to establish?
 
11. How do you envision your future career? How do I fit into that vision? What is the timeline in an ideal world?
 
12. How do you envision your future involvement in the local church? How do I fit into that vision? What is the timeline in an ideal world?
 
13. If it were completely up to you, how many children would you have? How spread out?
 
14. Do you want a parent to stay home with the kids or do you want both parents to work?
 
15. What are some of your thoughts or ideas or ideals on how the children should be raised?
 
16. Where do you see us in 5 years? 10? 20?

Categories
Dating/Courting Home Marriage

The Devil's Plan for Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is one of the major days of the year when the enemy seeks to control the emotions of the unmarried. During this time we see unGodly spirits of loneliness, depression, isolation, comparison, rejection and doubt manifesting in full effect. Women are typically more affected by not having a man/husband in their life more than men are affected by not having a woman/wife. However, both men and women are often greatly affected during this time. So, why are unmarried believers so negatively affected by Valentine’s day or the real issue of not having a valentine/companion?
 
It is the plan of hell to get unmarried men and women to fall into the trap of believing the lies that they are alone, unworthy of love, hopeless and forgotten because they are not in a relationship. However, God’s truth is that whether you are unmarried, engaged or married, you are loved unconditionally by the creator of love! It is offensive to God to focus more on the small and little things that you don’t have at this point in your life than to receive and embrace his love for you! You were never created to be defined by your relationship status or to allow it to determine your happiness. If you find it difficult to enjoy life and to be happy now while you are unmarried, what is the likelihood a man or woman will succeed in making you happy? Your happiness should be in Christ Jesus on Valentine’s Day and every other day! He is deeply in love with you and longs for you to love him more than anything in this world.
 
To the unmarried I encourage you to rest in knowing God has not forgotten about you. His timing and will for your life is perfect. Trust that he knows what is best for you and in due season he will grant you the desires of your heart that are in alignment with his purpose for you. While you wait remember, you are the apple of God’s eye and your life is so significant and valuable to him (“You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you” Isaiah 43:4). I challenge you to close the door to every accusation of the enemy that desires to provoke you to feel sad, alone, unloved and depressed. You may not have a mate right now but you have a life to enjoy and love of Jesus Christ! He is right there with you and will never leave or forsake you!
 
Who says the unmarried can not celebrate and enjoy valentine’s day? The word of God tells us “This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm118:24). February 14th belongs to the Lord therefore we should all celebrate and rejoice in it! I encourage you to refuse to be counseled by the enemy this upcoming valentine’s day. Go out and have fun! Take your self to dinner and a movie. Most importantly embrace the true lover of your soul. Although flowers, cards and candy are all nice gestures, the love of God can not be compared to any materialistic thing. Choose to fall in love with Jesus this Valentines holiday!

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Home

For Men: 5 Crucial Keys to Stay Pure

1. Tame The Beast – God gave me a sex drive, but He also gave me earn money writing online power to control it. I will not let me body control me, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, I will control my body.

1 Corinthians 9:27 – But I discipline my body and bring it under my subjection, so that the day that I preach, I myself am not disqualified.

 

2. Cut Out The Crap – My calling, destiny and purity is way to costly to provide myself with any opportunities to fall into temptation.

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I will place a high value on my purity by eliminating those opportunities (on my phone, computer, television, etc) as well as choosing to renew my mind on God’s idea of sexuality and beauty.

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Romans 12:2 – Don’t be conformed to the ways of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind to God’s ways.

 

3. Put A Face Before The Porn – Whether I am a husband now or still don’t know the woman I am going to marry, I am going to put my (future or present) spouse before a temporary, sexual satisfaction. To fight this fight, I ask God to keep my heart fixed on the prize and to give me a revelation of how I can love her well by guarding my sexuality. What I do now sows into the future of my marriage.

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love and cherish your wives just like Jesus loves and cherishes the Church. 

 

4. Defend The Red Zone – At all costs, I will defend my physical, emotional and spiritual red zones. In turn, I will also defend HER red zones by putting up physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries until I have committed to her with a covenant.

1 Corinthians 7:36-37 – If a man thinks that he is treating his woman-to-be improperly and will inevitably give in to his passion, let him marry her… it’s not a sin. But if he has decided not to marry or there is no urgency and he can CONTROL his passions, he does well in this. 

 

5. Join The Brotherhood – I recognize that God instituted us as “THE BODY” and that I cannot do this alone. I have surrounded myself with brothers who are fighting this fight with me and keep me accountable in my endeavors to guard my sexual purity. I know that God has FORGIVEN my sins, but to walk in HEALING and FREEDOM, I must expose my secrets to the light. There, they have no power.

James 5:16 – Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

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Engaged Marriage

5 Types of Relationships You Need In Your Marriage

I am amazed at the number of couples that I meet that have no balance in their outside relationships.  Marriage itself is hard, and doing it alone makes it even harder.  Yes, at the end of the day the betterment of your marriage is between you and your spouse. But, there are many factors that can help you have a healthy marriage.  One of those factors is balanced relationships.  We were made for relationships.  From the Trinity, babies in their mother’s arms, to a group of women shopping it is clear that relationships aren’t just a desire, but a necessity.
 
After we got married, my wife, relocated to Chicago.  One of her top fears was who she was going to be friends with here. We’ve been so blessed with healthy relationships across the board.  We have couples and friends in our life that truly help us be better for one another.  Here’s a list from the relationships in our marriage that continue to provoke us towards marital oneness.
 
 
1. The More Experienced Couple
This is not older by age, but older by experience.  A great way to know they fit the criteria is whether you want your marriage to resemble theirs.  This couple most likely has children, and has successfully made it through many check points in their marriage.  Spend time with this couple whether it be at their home, or out to eat. With the couple in our life we have to schedule our time due to their busy schedule, but there is a mutual agreement between us that the relationship is necessary for us. Each time we end our time with them we go home more in love and more understanding of one another.
 
2. The Peer Couple
You will have many of these just because they are easy to come by.  The peer couple is your friends that are married, and you can relate with one another.  Natasha and I are beyond blessed to have a sufficient group of friends that got married around the same time we did.  Some live here in Chicago, but most live in other states.  Whether it’s a double date out on the town, or a face time session on the couch we make it a priority to spend quality time with our peer couples. I guarantee you we laugh the most with these groups of people.  Most of the laughs come from the similar stories we share that once had us either mad or confused, but once told its like a ticking bomb until someone says, “She/he did the SAME thing”.
 
3. The Friend
One of the first things my pastor told me before getting married was to allow Natasha to have girl friends that she can go have girl time with.  I didn’t really understand it, but man do I understand it now.  We preach and teach that your spouse is your best friend, which is truth all the way, but they shouldn’t be your only best friend.  You and your spouse need to have a same sex friend that is like a David to a Jonathan.  This is the friendship that you can be honest about things going on in your life and they have an outside perspective on it.  I’m not going to go to deep into this topic because I want to blog on this type of friendship by itself.
 
4. The Less Experienced Couple
 
Just like Paul had Timothy, you and your spouse should find a young couple whether married or dating that you can mentor.  God’s desire for Adam and Eve from the beginning was for them to work together.  When I watch Natasha share wisdom to other young couples, I fall in love with her all over again.  One of the easiest things to do in marriage is neglectfully not honor the anointing on your spouse’s life.  When Natasha and I sit down with less experienced couples to share what we have learned, we get so excited to communicate our successes and failures.  This type of relationship is more for others, but you will benefit from it too.
5. The Trinity (God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit) 
A 3 stranded cord is not easily broken!  When Christ is in the center of your marriage, then you can guarantee a lot of mess trying to get in, WILL NOT!  It takes intentionality to keep Christ in the center because its one of those, “Oh, I want to thank God” speeches that you know the person really doesn’t have a genuine relationship with Him.  This is the sole most important relationship that is needed in your marriage.  As the man of my house I have set it as a rule for us to end our night in some form of prayer.  We have one day a week that we spend an extended time with God TOGETHER, and every night a quick prayer for one another. I speak to the men on this one.  Please do not put the responsibility of keeping Christ in the center on your wife.  We are the priest of our home, and that means it is our responsibility to establish and cultivate the presence of God in our home.  This relationship will make all the difference.

Categories
Dating/Courting Home

Pursue Her! A Message to Christian Men

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Dating/Courting Engaged Home Marriage

Opposites Really Do Attract

In my life, I have worked my butt off…or have I? I’ll let you be the judge. Not really, but I’ll let you think you’re judging me. I’ve had 26 jobs since I turned 16 and just started my 27th. Many people would say I can’t hold down a job, I lack commitment, or in Jon Acuff’s words, I’m a serial quitter. I tend to think of myself rather, a learner. I learn something then move on. Though when I say move on, I mean actually MOVE. I have moved 7,092 miles since graduating college in May, 2010. I’ve lived on opposite coasts (West Coast, Best Coast!), the midwest, and the deep south (Better than both coasts). I’m actually a serial mover, not serial quitter.
 
I’ve never been one to sit still, I’m fidgety. I don’t have ADHD or ADD but some days I like to think of myself as a middle schooler trapped in an adult’s body. Besides, immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people. Can I get an amen? I have loved every move and would do it all again.
 
But as “fun” as I think I am, and as much as I have moved around, I married a still sitter. Although she has moved, it’s been well thought out. My moves? Not so much.
I married an attorney that is a thinker and a processor that decides something and sticks to it. I could never have found someone more opposite than me. Why marry her? Why marry someone like that? Why? One word, BALANCE. She gives me what I don’t have. What I lack in thought process, she makes up for, in detail. Balance, I did need it, I do need it, and I always will need it.
 
Some people told me in my single days, “Marry someone just like you! It’s more fun that way!” Well, if I married someone just like me, we would be broke, in a random city, wondering where to go next, or what to do next. In our case, opposites attract. But not just opposites attract, but opposites fulfill. That’s the big idea that I want you to see.
 
God doesn’t just want to give you someone that you’re attracted to, but someone that will fulfill what you don’t have. So can I say my wife completes me? Maybe. Are there still areas that she can’t fulfill? Of course. she’s human. Only God can fully fulfill me.
Whether you are dating, engaged, or married, look for those areas that you’re not gifted in and see if your mate compliments you. I hope they do. Don’t just leave it there; see how you can complete your spouse. If your mate isn’t good in a certain area, try it out! You might be their answer to what they need.